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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 01-23-2008, 01:59 AM
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Default The Chronicles of Whet [Story Deal]

Note: Not my best URPG story. =/

~~~

As I paddled noiselessly through the water, the motions of my small feet became fluid. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. My small eyes peered up over the water as I watched her. She was idly chatting with her friends, her soft words issuing from her tan mouth jutting out of her face. The lilypad perched atop her head shaded her face, and kept a constant shadow over her eyes. I sunk slowly down into the clear water beneath me.

I desperately hoped that she would notice me. Deep inside, I doubted it though. Why would she want a Lotad like me? I had the biggest crush on her since I had migrated to this pond with my family. Lettie was, in my opinion, the most beautiful Lotad in the pond. She was quite intelligent, and knew how to get a conversation going.

I sighed. Behind her, the beautiful multi-colored sunset illuminated her body. She would never notice me. Not ever. Turning around, I slowly paddled back to my home, a small patch of reeds on a small island in the pond. The clear water shimmered beneath me as I climbed into the reeds.

As I settled down to sleep off my troubles, I didn’t see the purple water flowing out of the pipe, right into our pond…



I woke up to a large noise coming from the pond. Scuttling out of the reeds, I saw a very disgusting sight.

The normally crystal clear water had turned a disgusting shade of purple. It was a very dark amethyst, and it had sickening waves of varying shades of maroon in it. I looked around in horror. “What…?” I asked nobody in particular. I noticed that there were a few Lotads in the water, so it wasn’t dangerous. Cautiously prodding the water with my foot first, I slowly entered the water.

Taking care to keep my mouth above the water, I paddled up to the small group. I noticed at once that Lettie was with them, she nodded her head at me. “What’s going on?” I asked timidly, scared for the pond. A large, intimidating Lotad turned to look at me.

“Well, it seems as if this purple stuff,” he began, motioning to the water, “is coming from the human’s drainage pond, through that pipe over there,” he stated simply, pointing at a pipe through which the purple stuff was oozing. “Unfortunately, the pipe is too small for the larger Lotads to go through,” the Lotad finished.

“I’ll go,” Lettie piped, and every head turned to look at her. The large an intimidating Lotad (who happened to be her father) looked at her.

“Lettie? Why?” her father asked, his eyebrows screwed up in confusion.

“I hate just sitting around and doing absolutely nothing while everyone else goes and saves the pond,” she said angrily. Her father shook his head.

“No. Not without a partner. If you get hurt, who will come and tell us? You’re not going unless you can get one,” he commanded.

I then did something that, unknowingly, I would regret.

“I’ll go with her!” I announced, and heads turned to me. Lettie’s eyes lit up in happiness.

“So, it’s settled! I’ll go with Whet!” she shouted, triumph written all across her face. Her father puffed up in anger for a second, but he let that go.

“All right, fine. You can go with Whet. But… Be careful. You don’t know what’s at the other end of that pipe, and how far away it is. It’ll be dark inside, so be on your guard,” the senior Lotad cautioned us. I nodded.

“Don’t worry, sir, I’ll keep your daughter safe,” I promised. Lettie nodded at me, and we paddled over to the pipe. A strong stench issued from the disgusting ooze, screaming “Get away! Get out!” I looked over at Lettie, who stood beside me.

Normally, I would have been ecstatic to feel this, but something about the situation changed it. It was no longer just for fun, this was real. “I’ll go first,” I said quietly, and stepped up onto the pipe. It looked like it was just big enough, so I took a cautious step into it. Stepping quietly, I padded softly into the dark pipe, with Lettie right behind me.

Inside, it was pitch-black. I felt very claustrophobic inside, but I knew there was no why out. So, bravely, I pushed onward, my footsteps making soft splashes in the water. Luckily, it seemed to be a very straight pipe, with no twists or turns, so I wasn’t worried about that.

After walking for a while, I stopped, and felt Lettie bump into my backside. “How are you doing?” I squeaked, afraid in the darkness. I could feel her raising her paw to pat my shoulder.

“I’m doing fine, thanks,” she answered, and we set off again. I had lost track of the time that we had been in here. Perhaps it was only an hour, maybe two. All I knew was the soft splish splash of our feet.

I yawned in the darkness. “How long have we been down here?” I asked Lettie quietly, as we continued our journey down the pipe.

“Ehh, I dunno,” she said in a tired voice. “Hey, do you think we could so something about the darkness? I don’t want to be blinded when we come out,” she inquired, prodding my backside with her lilypad. After thinking for a moment, I stopped and smiled. I summoned up a part of my energy into my mouth, and then shot it out.

It was a glowing green ball, which illuminated the dark pipeline with an eerie emerald light, but it provided light. Turning around, I saw Lettie illuminated in that light. I smiled at her, and she smiled back. “Thanks! It was getting a little scary in here—but let’s move on for now!” she chirped peppily, and so we moved on. I set the Energy Ball attack in my lilypad, so it would give light to both of us.

The rest of the journey seemed much better now in the light, although the water was beginning to get thicker and thicker, which disturbed me. Squinting my eyes ahead, I could see a small glimmer of light. “Lettie! I see light!” I exclaimed, and stepped up my pace. Truthfully though, this didn’t do much, as it was now like we were walking through mud. We soon reached a point where the light was just a few yards away. I let the Energy Ball sink back into my body, and looked back at Lettie. “Ready?”

“It’s now or never,” she told me, and we stepped out into the light.

Around us, green green grass sloped down into the small pond (if you could call it a pond) that appeared to be for the human’s drainage. The water was a dark purple in color, issuing from a moving bump in the middle of the pond. It was thick, like mud, and it was very easy to stand on top of it, although I sunk in a little bit. Inching closer to the bump, I cautiously prodded it with my paw. It jiggled, and white eyes shot open. “GRIME!” it yelled, and part of the pond shot up beneath me, flinging me back onto the grass.

Lettie too was flung onto the grass, right beside me. “It looks like that it has taken all of the water in the pond and merged it with its slime,” she told me. While I had been getting attacked, she had been watching, thinking. “Which means it’s known that we are coming since we began to walk down the pipe,” she finished, her face screwed up in frustration. “This is going to be one tough enemy,”

“Okay then, let’s try and attack it with a Hydro Pump, and we’ll go from there,” I recommended, and she nodded. Pulling up water from inside my lilypad, I forced it out of my mouth in a large stream against the Grimer. Lettie did the same thing, and they hit the Grimer simultaneously. It wavered for a moment, but shook the water off of itself. Obviously angered by our attack, it launched a ball of sludge up at is from the pool that it was situated in.

I rolled out of its way, and turned to look at Lettie. She too, had evaded the attack. We wouldn’t be able to hold out very long if we were hit by a few of those attacks. Lettie closed her eyes for a moment, and then jolted them open. Suddenly, the air became thicker and thicker as her Mist attack worked. Grimer gave an angry snort, and began to launch off random sludge balls.

After narrowly dodging one, I began to gather my energy in my forehead. Releasing it to the outside of my forehead, I launched myself forward in a Zen Headbutt attack. I felt my collision with the much beast, and although my attack was very effective on it, the sheer mass of the monster made my attack not as effective. Suddenly, a large hand of sludge shot up, and grabbed me.

It hurt, and a lot. Below me, the Grimer smiled evilly, and squeezed tighter. I coughed hard, and thrashed around inside the hand. Suddenly, a green blast hit the hand, making it crumble away. I ran back to the edge, where I saw Lettie. “Thanks, I was nearly a goner there,” I thanked her. She nodded, and then launched another Energy Ball at the beast. Jumping into the air, I gathered my energy like before, and launched another Zen Headbutt attack. I landed neatly on Grimer’s head, and bounced off to the side.

It gave a cry of frustration, and formed a hand from the sludge. Sweeping it around, it snatched up Lettie, and squeezed her tightly. Bringing her up to its face, its eyes glinted, and Lettie’s body went rigid. It pulled its arm back down into the sludge, bringing Lettie down with it.

It rippled as she was passed around under the sludge, towards a pipe leading away from the battle—and our home. “Lettie!” I screamed, but she couldn’t hear me beneath the sludge, or wherever she was right now. I sat on the bank, fearful. What do I do? Do I go after Lettie, or do I try and take out the Grimer? The real question was: Who am I more faithful to? Lettie, or the pond?

I set my foot firmly on the ground. Gathering the energy in my forehead once more, I charged at the Grimer in a Zen Headbutt attack. I collided with it, but it grabbed me in a sludge hand. Bringing me down to its face, it chuckled. I squirmed in its hand, and it squeezed tighter. Suddenly, I saw a glint in his eyes, and my body was useless, an effect of his Disable attack.

I could do anything as the hand of sludge dragged me beneath the surface, essentially into Grimer. I felt myself pushed along by the sludge, toward an unknown target. Above me, there was a dull light, but suddenly, it went out.

The sludge around me was pushing me down the pipe. I struggled, regaining use of my body, and poked my head above the sludge. I couldn’t see or hear anything, except for the relentless flowing of sludge. I sat quietly, carried along. As I got further away from the Grimer, the sludge became thinner, and the level decreased significantly.

Paddling along, I finally felt dry land (or rather, pipe) beneath me, and I turned around. It looked like that the sludge was blocking up the pipe. Shaking my head, I faced the direction that I had been going in, and began to run (which, truthfully, isn’t really a “run”, it’s more of a fast walk). Summoning up an Energy Ball, I placed it atop my back to light the way.

Looming up in the distance was a small green dot of light. “LETTIE!” I called, and I heard a distant reply. “I’M COMING!” As I ran towards the green light, it grew larger, and I could pick out a Lotad, running at me.

“Whet!” she yelped happily, and as we met, we embraced. It felt so wonderful, meeting up with Lettie, and my heart fluttered. “Did you defeat the Grimer?” she inquired.

I shamefully looked down. “Erm, no, it pulled me under too,” I said, my face a saddened one. “What’s worse, we were both carried away from our pond,”

“Oh no! We’ll have to make it back above ground,” she replied. “Well, we’d better get going. We have a lot of travelling to do,” Lettie told me, and turned around and began to walk. I followed her, my Energy Ball illuminating the dark pipe with the same green light as hers.

Somewhere along the trip, Lettie giggled. “You tried to defeat the Grimer, right?” she asked me.

“Yeah, but it pulled me under,” I retorted, chuckling.

“Did you try and defeat it for me?”

The pipe fell silent, and stayed that way as we continued down the pipeline.

Eventually, Lettie put out her light. “I see the ending!” she yelled, and began to run. I faithfully followed her, staying behind her back, as I couldn’t see the small glimmer of light. Soon though, white light began to swarm the pipe, and we burst through into the sunlight.

It looked to be around noontime, and we were on a beach of some sort. Above us, a leafy palm tree shaded us with its large leaves. Beneath us, small grains of sand sunk in between our claws. I could small the fresh, salty air all around us.

I began to walk out onto the beach, hearing strange slurping noises. Lettie faithfully followed, and we found a trainer and his Pokémon.

The trainer towered above us. He wore a simple pair of jeans and a brown t-shirt. His hair was long and brown, and he bent over, urging his Pokémon.

The Pokémon was about half his height, and pink. It had a large tail that shot out of its backside, and curved back down. Its small hands held something, and tried to crack it open. Most noticeable about the creature was its tongue. The tongue was huge, and was at least the size of its body.

“C’mon Sexy, you can do it!” the trainer urged, his voice wild. Lettie gave a small shriek, turning the pair’s attention to us. He smiled. “Sexy, you up for a battle? We need some new Pokémon to be on our team, now don’t we?” The Lickitung nodded its head as an answer. “All right then, start out with a Wrap attack!”

Lickitung’s tongue shot into its mouth, (which amazed me) and then shot back out at Lettie. It held Lettie tight with its tongue, and she squirmed around. Summoning my energy, I launched an Energy Ball attack at the tongue holding Lettie captive. Lickitung spit Lettie out, frowning. Apparently, my Energy Ball didn’t taste very good.

The trainer frowned at us. “Hey, you’re hurting Sexy’s tongue! Sexy, now try a Slam!” he commanded. Lickitung shot up into the air, in front of the sun. I instinctively looked up, and knew it was a mistake. Lickitung moved out of the way, and the sun shone into my eyes. I looked around frantically, my eyes now filled with a bright light.

The light disappeared as I felt a large, slimy tongue slam into me. I was instantly disgusted, and gave a scream of disgust. The tongue held me against the sand, and I was pushed in, compacting the sand beneath me. Suddenly I saw a blur above me, and Lickitung’s tongue was off of me. Springing up, I saw the trainer’s face screw up in anger.

“Sexy! Use Wring Out on the one over there!” he ordered, pointing at Lettie. Lickitung ran up to Lettie, giving her no time to recover from her fierce attack. Grabbing her with its tongue, Lickitung squeezed Lettie hard. She gave a feeble cry, and crumpled to the ground, badly injured. The trainer smiled.

“Good job!” he congratulated the pink Pokémon. Taking a small red and white orb from his backpack, he flung it at Lettie. She disappeared in a red flash of light.

“LETTIE!” I cried angrily, and charged toward the orb. Maybe I could break her out of it…

As if by reading my mind, the trainer responded. “Sexy, fling the ball into the woods!” he ordered, and I could only watch as Lickitung scooped up the orb, and flung it away, leaving me unaware of what had happened to Lettie. I fell to the sand, saddened. Lettie was gone!

If I tried to escape, I might get back to the pond, and tell everyone else what happened, but I would never see Lettie again. Of course, there would be a chance that I would also be captured on that trip, and be separated from Lettie and the pond! If I was captured by the trainer, then I would be with Lettie until something tore us apart. Setting my mind to it, I sat down and stared at the trainer.

I didn’t feel as Lickitung slammed into me, I just hung there, waiting for him to make his move.


I couldn’t believe it. The little Lotad just sat there, staring at me! Angered by the little lilypad, I called my next move. “Sexy, use Slam!”

Sexy launched into the air, then fell down onto the Lotad. He gave a small cry of pain, but didn’t resist or anything. What an odd Lotad, I thought to myself. Reaching into my cluttered bag, I pulled out another Pokeball. “Sexy, get off of it!” I ordered. My friend gracefully got off the Lotad, and I flung the Pokeball.

Lotad disappeared in a flash of red light, and the Pokeball fell down onto the sand. It shook viciously as I awaited the click that would tell its future.

~~~
For: Lotad and Lotad
Length Needed: 10k-20k
Length Achieved: 16k
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  #2  
Old 01-23-2008, 02:46 AM
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Default Re: The Chronicles of Whet [Story Deal]

I'll grade this. :D Expect one in... 2-3 hours. :o

EDIT:

Plot:

A young Lotad has a crush on another Lotad, and he is shy, and watches her from afar. Then he goes to sleep, in a bed of reeds, and wakes up to find his pond full of purple sludge. He and the other Lotad have a meeting, and the Lotad he has a crush on volunteers to go find the source of the problem, and he goes with her. They travel through a pipe, fight a Grimer, escape somehow (I was sorta confused about this, but I'll explain later), and stumble upon a trainer with a Lickitung named Sexy (xD), and that guy captures both.

It was nice. Very original, I applaud you on that. :D I personally love stories like this that are written from the Pokemon's point of view. They tend to be more original and the battles more interesting.

I wish that they had spent a little bit more time at the pond, and I felt that that part was a little choppy and jumpy. We should have gotten to know the Lotads a little more, as I did not have a clue as what Lettie's personality was. Overall it was good for the little Pokemon and I don;t have anything else to say. D:

Introduction:

The intro was just a little paragraph about Lettie, and the pond. It wasn't too good of an intro, but it wasn't terrible. D: I liked it though, it just wasn't an intro.

I was wondering, why does Whet (lol, nice name :D) think she is so pretty? Is her leaf broader? Is it the greenest of all the Lotads? Was she actually a rainbow colored Lotad? That would make this intro better and give me some clarification. As of now, what you have, Lettie might just look like a normal Lotad.

I also thought you should have described the pond a bit more. All description you gave of it was 'clear'. I have no idea how big it was, if it was deep or not, and since it was the Lotad's home, I felt as though it needed some more description then you gave it, in the intro.

Grammar/Spelling:

Just a couple typos, I'll point a one or two out, that were the most obvious.

Quote:
Around us, green green grass
Did you mean to put green twice? I understand if you added a comma, it would have been emphasis, but I was not sure. :o

Quote:
I felt my collision with the much beast,
Muck* beast. Not much. D:

Overall, you did well here.

Length:

16k is fine for them.

Details:

Your description was vivid, and I could see almost everything completely clearly in my mind, except the surroundings. The lake I've already said, and the beach where he fought Sexy, would have to be my only real complaints. There are many different kids of beaches and lakes you know, and it would do you good to give me a bit on those, if not a good sized paragraph.

If the lake turns out to be saltwater, the Lotad wouldn't survive in it. If the beach was rocky, and sharp, they wouldn't battle on it. D:

Reality:

Wring Out does damage based on how high the opponent's HP was. Lettie had already been hit once, so I assume it wasn't that high. I don't think it would have been able to KO then. D: Wrap or Bind would be better. Don't really worry about this though. It doesn't hurt you so much.

In the battle with the Grimer, how did they escape? Did it explode? Did it get bored, and spit both of them out? It was really foggy around that part, and I don't really understand it that much. Of course it might just be completely obvious, and I might just be being an idiot, but I think you didn't explain that. D:

Battle:

Both battles were reasonably well matched, and they used a couple of different attacks, that was good. For the future, don't say "the Zen Headbutt attack hit it directly", over and over again, but use more descriptive words instead of Zen Headbutt, like, "the glowing forehead, that was coursing with psychic energy". Otherwise it becomes very bland and boring very quickly.

Also, you should use your surroundings more. Maybe Whet was thrown into the lake by Sexy or maybe Lettie threw a rock or something at it. Otherwise you could be fighting in an endless flat plain. Tbh, thats not fun. D:

Work on those, and your battles will dramatically improve.

Outcome: I'm sorry, but you are stuck with two lovestruck lily pads. :D In other words Lettie and Whet Captured!! It was a bit on the borderline, but I thought it was good enough for both. It felt like it was a bit rushed though. Next time, slow down a bit, and don't forget about some of this stuff. :D

Wow that grade was short. ._. But then again it was my first. :D

PS: How did I do? :D
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I need to have basic battles.

I grade week old stories that are Hard rank or lower. :)



Last edited by Leman; 01-23-2008 at 04:39 AM.
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  #3  
Old 01-23-2008, 10:52 AM
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Default Re: The Chronicles of Whet [Story Deal]

I feel honored to have been your first grade. :D Anywho, I'll respond to your comments and whatnot later; as I have two little lovey-doveys to take care of at the moment. ;)
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