Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 01-27-2008, 09:06 PM
Trainer of Shadows's Avatar
Trainer of Shadows Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 1)
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: noitacoL
Posts: 1,243
Send a message via AIM to Trainer of Shadows
Default The Shadow Chronicles [[PG-13]]


The Shadow Chronicles

Chapter 1 - The Beginning


It was a dark night, and as a tall, 14 year old boy looked up at the sky, a glowing

meteorite began to break the black backdrop. James sat up and looked around.

"Night, get up. We need to keep moving," whispered the brown-haired teenager as he woke his Scyther.
There was an explosion about 2 miles back, and as soon as the sound hit his ears, James's
heart sank. They were still being followed.

Three men had been following James and NightBlade for a few hours now. Why? Well, let's just say that James doesn't live in the best of communities. His house is extremely small, has one bedroom, and oh yeah, James has no parents.

Well, James HAD parents, but they perished in a fire before James was even born.

But we'll get to that later. Back to the story. A few hours before Night and he were on the run, they were just sleeping softly in James house. They were rudely awoken by three men who had had a little too much to drink.

A Nidorino, Weavile, and a Gligar had attacked his shack of a house, but James and his faithful companion had managed to escape through the back door.

The gang were too busy attacking the apartment to notice two skinny figures darting through town, and into the darkness of the forest.

James's neighborhood was pretty.. well, bad. The houses each had 3 coats of graffiti on
them, the streets were full of homeless people and Pokemon, and crime was extraordinarily high.

All in all, James lived in a bad neighborhood where people attacked him for absolutely no
apparent reason.

Back to the the chase.

NightBlade and James had been running for about 3 hours straight. It was 1 o' clock in the
morning, and they were tired. James hadn't heard any sounds of the gang for about half an hour, so they had decided to rest a bit. Just a bit.

This brings us where we started. James had woken up his Scyther, and he heard the explosion.

Apparently the gang had found it amusing to set a few of the trees on fire with fireworks.

What did this mean? Bad news for the human and bug.

"NIGHTBLADE, LET'S GO!" James screamed.

"Scyther? Scyth," NightBlade said in his unusually deep voice.

They dark green mantis and the boy began to run at full speed. They were still groggy from the rest, but they were trying.

The forest was extremely dense. Pretty much the only clearing was the the one that the duo had chosen to sleep in. The rest of the forest had thick branches poking out everywhere.

BOOM.

Fire. It was catching up to them. James turned around, while still sprinting and dodging the
branches. He could just make out what looked like an armored bat flying high above the
flaming trees.

NightBlade and James were sprinting and dodging branches right next to each other.

"Night, turn around! What is that?"

James and the Scyther were trying to get through the forest while trying to make out the
figures behind them. Night and James were side by side.

"Scythe-"

WHAM!

The large branch had emerged from nowhere.

~

Voices. James tried to open his eyes. It was so black either way that he couldn't tell if
they were open or closed.

"The Scyther. I kinda like it. I've wanted it ever since we saw it in the apartment back in
that hellhole." said the first Voice.

"No. They both go. We have no use for them. And Weavile is getting hungry," said another.

"It's late. We need to go to sleep. We'll decide this tomorrow," said Voice number three.

James whispered, "Night, you there? Say something."

James longed to be able to to see what was tying up his arms and legs, where they were, and who was in control of them.

"Scyther, scyth, scythe," NightBlade whispered.

"Hey! They're talking!"

WHAM.

James and his friend fell into a deep sleep again.

~

The fire crackled as the sparks rose up into the night sky.

James opened his eyes. He felt the three Pokeballs in his pocket as sat up. It was, in fact,
very difficult to sit up, considering his arms and legs were completely immobile.

James and Night were now lying in the outskirts of the forest. There was a campfire in the
middle, and two tents as well.

There was also a man. He looked to be around twenty. He had short black hair and was wearing all black clothing. He was outside of the tent, watching the fire. Presumably he was on watch duty. But he wasn't even watching James or NightBlade.

To James, it just seemed like a dream. It wasn't real.

James's eyes closed again. Eventually, he fell back into a lighter sleep.

Until he felt some movement on his wrists.

He opened his eyes slowly to find a man with a razor kneeling right beside him.

James screamed.

"Get away from-"

The man's hand reactively clamped over James's mouth.

Then the man spoke.

"I'm- not- going- to- hurt- you!"

James was squirming and wriggling as much as he possibly could, at all time keeping his eyes fixed on the razor.

The man brought the razor down, and cut the ropes.

James was stupefied.

"What the-" James thought to himself.

"What are you doing? You are one of THEM."

The man replied, "Run. Run far away from here. They- I mean we- will find you again. But you need to get away and try to save yourself. These men are absolutely evil. They care only about killing any trainers they see."

James thought it was a trap. How could he trust a man that had worked in a gang that hurt
innocent beings? But he recognized the man's voice. It was Voice number three.

Scyther. Where was NightBlade!?

James frantically looked around for NightBlade, when suddenly a green mantis emerged from the shadows and brought his scythe up in front of the mans neck.

"Scythe."

"NightBlade what are you-"

The man couldn't talk or move. But as James looked into his eyes, he saw pure innocence.

James knew that he was just trying to help.

But NightBlade began to bring his magnificent blade towards the man's throat.

"NightBlade, NO!" James yelled as he jumped on top of the strong green bug.

They tumbled into the dirt, and once they stopped, James said, "Night, he's alright. I just
know. He's just trying to help."

They both got up, and James saw that he had a a fine cut running down his arm, which had
pierced right through his white shirt.

"Scyther!"

"It's okay Night, I know you didn't mean it. It's just a flesh wound," James said.

~

NightBlade and James were on the run again. The man had let them go free, for some strange reason. James had just about a billion questions running through his head. But all he wanted to do right now was get as far away from those men as possible.

His faithful companion was right next to him, exhausted, but still happy to be with his best
friend.

James knew that his Scyther was strong. But he also knew that he needed to get another Pokemon. NightBlade was great, but frankly, he wasn't enough.

The sun was beginning to rise. Morning was coming.

NightBlade and James had been running through fields, not a lot of trees anymore. But up
ahead, they could see the rushing of blue.

They had come to a river.

James said wearily, "We need a break, huh Night?"

The Scyther nodded in agreement. They lay down on the soft sand on the bank of the river. It was peaceful. Nothing was bothering them. The cool blue water was moving at a pretty fast pace, and there were a lot of rocks in the river.

But there was movement. A blue, round-looking figure was jumping around in the water. It was getting closer.

NightBlade stood up, his scythes ready. The Poliwag jumped right onto the sand, and it was
angry.

Her tail was wagging like crazy, and she had this evil glint in her eye. James took no
notice of this, though.

He thought, "Poliwag. Hah! Probably one of the weakest little things ever."

James had also decided that he was going to battle it. He knew it would be an easy win for
his Scyther.

Don't underestimate your opponent.

"Night, you ready?" James asked.

"Scyther."

"Good. Use Quick Attack, now!" James yelled.

James had underestimated the blue, female tadpole.

She darted left as NightBlade brought his scythe around and quickly moved towards her.

The Poliwag sent a blast of water towards NightBlade just as he was turning around, and it
hit him squarely in the face.

Night was thrown backward from the force. He gingerly got up, and James knew he had to play smarter.

"Okay! Night, Let's try a Double Hit!"

The magnificent bug began to move swiftly towards the Poliwag. The Pokemon attempted to move quickly to the left, but NightBlade had predicted it.

The Scyther's left scyther struck the tadpole's boy, causing it to crash down to the ground.

But the attack wasn't over. Scyther's right scythe began to come down on the blue Pokemon, but she managed to move away slightly.

She was somewhat successful, but she came out of it with a small cut.

NightBlade hovered for a few seconds with his wings, and drew back.

The Poliwag got up, and used her last bit of energy to concentrate. The swirl on her stomach began to spin, and although James wasn't affected, NightBlade's eyes began to droop, and he fell asleep.

"Wake up! WAKE UP!!"

But the Scyther remained motionless.

The Poliwag began to run pathetically over to NightBlade, and slapped him in the face. Hard.

A Wake-Up Slap.

The Scyther awoke to a very painful feeling, but he was awake nonetheless.

"NightBlade, let's finish this! X-Scissor!"

NightBlade got up slowly, then began to charge at the Poliwag, one scythe raised.

The Poliwag didn't have the will to fight anymore.

James instinctively took a Pokeball from his pocket, and chucked it at the Poliwag.

Her shape began to dematerialize and travel into the ball.

Twitch.
Twitch.

Suddenly three Pokemon emerged from the tall grass not far away.

A Weavile, Gligar, and Nidorino.



GRADED

Final Character Count: 9726
Pokemon Wanted: Poliwag


~ToS~
__________________

TSA lives on.


WifiFX - KageryuEX - fullmetal - zukirin - Jesus of Magikarps - Brettmeeink - Donal - ParadoxiticO - Rinol - Sinnoboy1
HOLY CRAP I FORGOT figmented imagination!

Last edited by Trainer of Shadows; 01-28-2008 at 12:59 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-27-2008, 09:21 PM
The Jr Trainer's Avatar
The Jr Trainer Offline
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 8,425
Send a message via AIM to The Jr Trainer Send a message via MSN to The Jr Trainer Send a message via Yahoo to The Jr Trainer Send a message via Skype™ to The Jr Trainer
Default Re: The Shadow Chronicles [[PG-13]]

Because I was asked. :P It'll be graded by tomorrow at the latest. ^^;

Another bad grade. Sorry about that.

Story/Plot:
This was quite an interesting plot. It swayed away from the usual first timers’ stories. Its good to come up with original plots. Just make sure you explain them more. This had a lot of plot holes and at times was pretty confusing to read. Make sure you explain more. Why did something happen? What exactly did happen. Sometimes you seemed like you skipped parts of the story and went ahead, making it at time impossible to read.

Make sure you elaborate too, make subplots, or little side quests. Make it interesting to read instead of just straight flat and down to the point. It helps a lot and makes the reader get hooked wanting to know what happens next. This story was a bit flat at times, and I tend to find myself lost, not really paying attention. Make sure you make the story interesting and fun.

This was good for a beginner, just make sure you add more to a plot, add some twists and turns and subplots. Make it more than just ‘this happened, then that happened.’ Hook the reader on and make it fun and enjoyable. :P

Introduction:
Meh, there wasn’t really much of a introduction. A small part of you telling what the characters looked like, which is good for a beginner to do. But for future and harder ranks add a bit of spice to the intro. Maybe a bit of foreshadowing or creeping out the reader. Have something to hook the reader on, don’t bore them. Then will run away. D:

Grammar/Spelling:
This was pretty good. Only saw a few mistakes. ^^

Quote:
"Scyther, scyth, scythe,"
Make sure you don’t forget a letter on something like this. It wouldn’t be pronounced right without the ‘e’ at the end. Make sure you re-read your story or put it through a spell checker before posting. Or even both of them. :]

Quote:
James longed to be able to to see what was tying up his arms and legs, where they were, and who was in control of them.
Don’t put two words that are exactly the same next to each other. I know it was probably from your subconscious, it happens to all of us. Reading or a spell checker would help it though.

Quote:
It was a dark night, and as a tall, 14 year old boy looked up at the sky, a glowing

meteorite began to break the black backdrop. James sat up and looked around.
Don’t put random spaces in between what should be a whole paragraph or sentence or whatever you want to call it.

Quote:
"Night, get up. We need to keep moving," whispered the brown-haired teenager as he woke his Scyther.
There was an explosion about 2 miles back, and as soon as the sound hit his ears, James's heart sank. They were still being followed.
And here, you’re forgetting to put a space after a paragraph. XD Also, any number from one to ten (1-10) should be spelled out. And any number that starts a sentence should be spelled out, even if its: 303444546. :P Good luck if it is that though. XD

Nothing else here. Good job for a first time story. ^^

Length:
Fine by me. Its always okay to go over the maximum given.

Detail:
There was a minimum amount of detail here. Make sure you describe more. Get everything to be pictured not only in your mind, but the readers’ minds. If you have to close your eyes and imagine what something in your story is going to look like. That may sound goofy, but ay, whatever works, works. :P

Quote:
James opened his eyes. He felt the three Pokeballs in his pocket as sat up. It was, in fact,
very difficult to sit up, considering his arms and legs were completely immobile.
Like this, what did the Pokeball look like, its obvious that they’re shaped in a circular shape. But are they flat? Three-d? Blue? Purple? Are they small big? Describe what they really look like. Even the simplest of things can help someone picture something really wonderfully.

Battle:
The battle, like I’ve said, was good for a first story. But next time make it more action packed and describe the attacks more. What did Scyther look like when it was attacking. In a rage of furry or a small cuddle-able ball thing. Make it seeable to all eyes not just yours.

Did Poliwag just fall over when if was done with battling? What did it look like when it feel, was it fainted completely, or just out of breath and needed to take a brake? Lots of words needed to be added.

But this as I said, was good for a beginner.

Final Outcome:
I see no problem with this other than making the battle a lot more two sided and adding some detail. Your small amount of grammatical mistakes helped you. Just work on what I said and your future stories should be great. ^^

Poliwag captured!
__________________

Last edited by The Jr Trainer; 01-28-2008 at 02:06 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:20 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com