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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 01-28-2008, 03:57 AM
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Default Saturday: A boy and his love of Rattata.

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It was an early Saturday morning when Antwan woke up. It was the 1st day of summer vacation. Antwan was so excited it was the summer, he can finally get some practice in with Grimer. Maybe now he'll be able to be one of the top battlers in his town, maybe he can finally be accepted in his class as a battler and not just a kid. Antwan knew he would not be able to do much with only a Grimer, his passion for Rattata drove him to want to catch one. With Rattata and Grimer Antwan thought he would rise above the few in his class and maybe be accepted.

"Finally I shall become the greatest battler in Viridian City" said Antwan.

Quickly he got dressed, grabbed Grimer's pokeball, grabbed his toast, and ran out the door.

"ANTWAN! WAIT YOU FORGO....." said Antwan's Mother

Antwan ran out to the field......He forgot...His bag with his 1st AID kit and extra balls (etc.) He ran back to his house and picked up his bag.

"Phew thank god I remembered....I would have been mad if I found a Rattata and wouldn't of have had my pokeballs" said Antwan gasping for breath...

Checking that he had everything, Antwan set out to find a Rattata with Grimer at hand. Searching high and low he encountered drowzee and many flocks of pidgey. Antwan was starting to become very aggravated at himself.

"Why can't I find a Rattata......Its been 2 hours and no sign of one....Maybe I should just go home" said Antwan sadly.

While walking back home from a long search. He sees a friend from grade school over yonder.

"KEVIN!" shouted Antwan

"ANTWAN! How's your day so far? said Kevin

"Fine.....I've been searching for a Rattata for the longest time.." said Antwan sadly

"Well keep your hopes up I'll help you" said Kevin cheerfully

"YAY! Maybe I'll finally have a cute Mighty Mouse to myself!" said Antwan with a big smile.

Antwan and Kevin searched high and low for a Rattata when they finally spotted one.

"KEVIN! I SEE ONE OVER THERE EATING THAT GRAIN!" shouted Antwan.

"O.K we have to be quite or we might scare it off" quietly said Kevin.

"Alright I think I have a plan" suggested Antwan. "O.K we'll try to corner it. Then I'll allow Grimer to use its power of the gods of poison and weaken it. Is that good?" Asked Antwan

"Hmm yeah I'll see if my Charmander can help!" said Kevin

The boys slowly creep up on the Rattata. Antwan noticed a scar near its right eye. He knew this Rattata was tough because of that scar.

"GO GRIMER!!!" Shouted Antwan.

"VAMOS! CHARMANDER!" Shouted Kevin

Both Grimer and Charmander come out of their balls. The Rattata was so scared it didn't know what to do.

"Return" said Kevin. "Now this is your shot at it!" said Kevin

"Grimer use pound!" ordered Antwan

Grimer jump up into the air. Its grimy arm came down on the rat like a wrecking ball to a building....The Rattata noticed the mighty arm coming at it, it hesitated and jump out of the way! It redirected its self and sprang towards Grimer with tremendous speed. It opened its mouth revealing its fangs and grasped onto Grimer.

"UGGH Grimer shake it off and use gunk shot!!!" Shouted Antwan

Grimer shook off the little rat, as it powered up for a Gunk shot. The odor grew in the air. Grimer was absorbing energy from the air as it grew a ball of sludge in its mouth. It looked like a poison type hyper beam. Antwan was shocked at the amount of energy Grimer possessed.

Rattata was charging at it. It looked like was getting ready for a super fang, as its teeth turned into a bright red and the glare and its eye was strong.


"NOW USE GUNK SHOT!!" Screamed Antwan

Grimer unleashed its poison power! BOOM! Rattata was shot down by the power of Gunk shot.

"Antwan use your pokeball on it!" quickly shouted Kevin

"Shoot..I can't find my balls!" said Antwan

Shocked, Antwan was searching throughout his bag, and he found this hole in the bag.

"Kevin I found this Giant hole in my pokeball slot! I'm going to have to go to the Poke'shop and buy more!" sadly said Antwan

"Alright what about the Rattata?" asked Kevin

"I don't know....It looks really injured..We'll have to take it to the Pokemon Center." said Antwan with a tear in his eye.

"Sounds good, don't be to hard on yourself, you'll eventually catch a Rattata." said Kevin trying to cheer Antwan up.

Antwan picked up the injured Rattata and dashed off to the local Pokemon Center. Running past many people staring at him with the injured Rattata in his arms. People were staring from left and right. Antwan felt like a jerk that, he knew that he over did it on the poor little Rattata. He was running towards the Pokemon Center, and dashed through the door.

The Center was filled with different plants, and had a sweet aroma. The marble floors were so clean that Antwan could see his face in them. It was extremely clean in there. Chansey were all around maintaining the cleanliness of the Center.

Antwan was trying to catch his breath...he was hardly breathing, his face was beat red, dripping sweat....

"Nurse Joy, you have to help....I was battling this Rattata and I over did it...I was going to catch it but I lost my pokeballs. Nurse Joy you have to help it." said Antwan while he was trying to catch his breath.

"Oh my gosh that poor thing. Chansey bring out a stretcher we need to bring this to the emergency room, it has some minor wounds. It'll be fine little boy just please take a seat in the waiting room." said Nurse Joy with worry.

Antwan went to take a seat. He was really worried about the Rattata, he sat there. Time went by..Antwan slowly started to doze off...

He was in a meadow with a Rattata, it was peaceful there birds were blissfully chirping. Flowers were growing in the spring air, then all of a suddden he was in a battle field. With the Rattata on the other side. He closely looked at the Rattata and noticed a scar near its right eye....

"Antwan wake up, Rattata is awake out of its bed."

"Oh may I go see it?" asked Antwan nervously.

"Of course you can c'mon I'll bring you to his bed." said Nurse Joy with a cheerful smile.

Antwan walked into the room with the injured Rattata. The Rattata had an eye of wanting to battle, he was glaring at Antwan. It started to stand up, pointing to the battle field outside the Pokemon Center. Antwan new that the Rattata was in no shape to battle. He asked it anyway.

"Rattata you want to battle don't you...You're hurt and you should get some rest but if you want to battle lets go out to the battling field." said Antwan with fear.

He didn't know what to think. He didn't want to further injure the poor Pokemon, yet he also wanted to catch it. He went outside the rattata one the one side of the field and him the other.

"Antwan! I stopped by the Poke'shop I bought some pokeballs for you!" Shouted Kevin in the distance.

"Kevin! I was just about to battle the Rattata again i'm glad you came." Said Antwan with a huge grin

"Here Catch!" Kevin tossed a pokeball towards Antwan.

Antwan caught it.

"O.K everyone i'll be reffing this battle" said Nurse Joy.

"Alright fine by me." "GO GRIMER!" Shouted Antwan

Antwan threw the pokeball. Grimer came popping out, blue streams of light and stars came out of the pokeball. Grimer went into a battling stance.

"Take it easy on that Rattata!" Said Antwan with confidence

"O.K it seems like everyone is ready." Said Nurse Joy. She waved a Green Flag.

Rattata started to charge towards Grimer, It was running faster than the last encounter Antwan had with it. Quickly it turned into a quick attack. Grimer took the blow like it was nothing, its spongy muddy body absorbed the attack. Rattata sprang off of it like a rubber ball off a wall.

"Grimer use your pound attack!" Ordered Antwan

Grimer starting to quickly throw pound attacks left and right. They were like hammers rapidly slamming the ground. Rattata was dodging them like dodging a ball during gym. Rattata grew tired and wouldn't give up. Finally, a pound attack threw Rattata in the air.

"Grimer now use your sludge bomb attack!" Ordered Antwan with determination.

Antwan's Grimer charged up for a full on sludge bomb attack, the odor level rose in the air. Rattata in the middle of the air pointed its body towards Grimer. It used quick attack!

"Grimer NOW!" Shouted Antwan

Grimer used sludge bomb. There was an explosion in the air, Grimer tightened up to take the attack from Rattata. The Rattata was hit with the sludge bomb assault and was flown out of the air. It fell to the ground...Out of health and stamina. It layed there in pain. \

Antwan knew this was his chance. It was late he was tired, he has been through a lot. He knew this was his last chance to catch this Rattata. He whipped out the pokeball, he was focused. He threw the ball at the Rattata, the feel of the moment was intense. the ball popped open, the Rattata sucked into it. Kevin and Nurse Joy staring at the ball. Antwan's sweat started to drip off his face.

The ball twitched....It twitched again.


Character Count:7,166
Desired Pokemon:Rattata

Last edited by fullmetal; 01-30-2008 at 12:26 AM.
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  #2  
Old 01-29-2008, 01:15 AM
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Default Re: Saturday: A boy and his love of Rattata.

*claims* D:

EDIT:

Plot:

A boy named Antwan and his friend Kevin, go into the wilderness, look for a Rattata, and find one. Then they battle it, (the Charmander did nothing). Antwan beats it, but has lost all of his Pokeballs. So they take it to the Pokemon center, heal it, and re-battle it. It was far shorter, but I get that. D:

Simple. Which is alright for a 'Simple' Pokemon. xD :x In the future, try to stay away from the whole "Kid wanders away and finds a Pokemon" plot. It's been used to death. D:This one did have a bit of a spin on it, with the whole Pokemon center thing. That was good.

Introduction:

It was OK.

The intro needs to have a couple things. Dragons, Swords, and Explosions. J/k, :P.

So really, it needs to tell us, the five main Ws and the H. Who, what where, when, why, and hook. The How is the main story,so that shouldn't be in the intro.

We need to know:
  • Who your main character(s) is.
  • What kind of Pokemon he has, and what he is going to do.
  • Where this story is taking place.
  • When this story is taking place.
  • Why (s)he is doing whatever he is going to do.
  • And, the Hook to keep readers reading the rest of your story.

You had 3/6. The Who, What and Where.

It also usually has a description of what the main character looks like, but that will be addressed later.

Grammar/Spelling:

Typos mainly. Remember to read through your stories once or twice, before you post them. I think you can catch them all, so I wont give any examples.

Length:

7.5k is right in the middle. Good. :D

Details:

What details?

You had barely any. Remember to describe EVERYTHING. The grass that you walked in Antwan, Grimer, Kevin, The Pokemon Center, Rattata, Pound attack, everything. Without descriptions, your stories are bland and boring. The reader wont be able to picture anything in his/her mind, making it much more confusing. Always assume your reader doesn't know what anything looks like, so you have to describe it all.

I don't have anything else to add here. =/

Reality:

Everything seemed happen-ible/real enough. So this part is fine.

Battle:

Again you lacked description. I didn't know what any attack looked like. Saying something like "Gunk Shot Hit" tells me nothing. What did Gunk Shot look like? An explosion of electricity? A steady stream of black and blue sludge? An ray of Psychic energy? Honestly I have no clue what that attack was, other than it was Poison typed, so I was completely lost. D: Thats never good. Ever.

The first battle was two sided, which is very good. The second wasn't bu I understand that, as it just got out of the hospital, so this was fine..

Outcome: This was a good story, other than the lack of detail. Since there was absolutely none, I'm gonna say Rattata Not Captured!! If you add some detail I'll give it to you. Describe the Pokemon, Antwan, and the Attacks first, and then work on the surroundings. If you do that, you can have them. They don't have to be stellar, but just enough so I can see what Is going on in my mind. D:
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I need to have basic battles.

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Last edited by Leman; 01-29-2008 at 02:11 AM.
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  #3  
Old 01-30-2008, 12:28 AM
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Default Re: Saturday: A boy and his love of Rattata.

Thanks a lot Leman :D. I fixed up my story and I know what you mean by more detail now. I re read it and it was really boring and plain. I fixed it up and hopefully it will be up to your standards.
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  #4  
Old 01-30-2008, 01:40 AM
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Default Re: Saturday: A boy and his love of Rattata.

This is pretty good actually. You should be at least this level in you future stories, but if you are going to go for anything in a higher category, you will need to bring it up a notch or two. Rattata Captured!!
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Done: 8680

I don't ref forum battles/1v1s. Don't PM me to ref, IM me instead.
I need to have basic battles.

I grade week old stories that are Hard rank or lower. :)


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