Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 01-28-2008, 03:12 AM
NeonDragonair's Avatar
NeonDragonair Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: That way ->
Posts: 41
Default How NOT to Bargain With a dragon

How NOT to Bargain With a Dragon

going for: Electrike
difficulty: Medium
length needed" 10-20K
length have: ~22,000


On the large island of Constanal, south of the uninhabited land that would be named Kanto in the distant future, a man in his mid-twenties started his hike up a steep mountain. The man’s name was Drake, and he was dressed in the finest hiking wear you could buy as he climbed the mountain. People in the village where he lived knew him as a rich, power hungry, and greedy man who always got what he wanted, nothing would separate him from his goal. Now rumor clamed that he was seeking to become king, and that something at the peak of the tallest mountain in the Dragonback mountain range would help him to achieve his goal.

…………

Drake panted as he dug yet another grappling hook into the rock ahead of him. He wiped his sweat-soaked brown hair out of his blue eyes as he hauled himself yet another foot higher. Noticing a small ledge sticking out of the rock in front of him, he gratefully sat down for a rest. He took off his pack and gently sat it down beside him, careful not to harm the valuable treasure within. Drake looked up toward the peak of the mountain, but it was hidden in thick white fog. He sighed, he had been climbing this mountain for days and he still couldn’t see the top. Trying to encourage himself, he thought of his goal, legend had it that a dragon lived at the top of this mountain, and if you offered something the dragon wanted, it would trade you anything. Drake wanted the dragon to make him king of the entire land of Constanal, and was willing to give anything to fulfill his wish. He picked up his pack, and resumed his climb, picturing himself on the throne to inspire his ascent.

Several hours of uneventful climbing later, Drake noticed the fog ahead was thinning, excited, he urged his exhausted muscles to take advantage of the visibility, but he barley made it twenty feet when he noticed a cave to his left. Drake scrambled over to it, and stood proudly at the enormous triangle-shaped mouth of the cave. The inside of the cave was total blackness, and it was impossible to see more than a few feet inside. Drake took a deep breath, and yelled, “I’ve come to see the dragon!” He noticed that strangely, there was no echo answering him.

Then he heard a flapping sound from deep within the cave. He held his breath as a few seconds later, a large shaped landed mere feet from him. The dark shape walked closer, until the weak light at the mouth of the cave slowly illumined it. Drake gasped, it was a Pokemon called Salamence, blue with blood red wings, like all of its kind, except it was over thirty feet long from nose to tail.

The dragon lowered its huge head, until its shiny black eyes met with Drake’s blue ones. Salamence opened its jaws, as if to eat the man in front of it, but instead roared “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” Drake nearly fell off the mountain in surprise, but managed to say “y-y-you can talk?”

“ARE YOU DUMB? OF COURSE I CAN TALK! WHY HAVE YOU INVADED MY HOME?” The dragon bellowed, and Drake felt a wave of fear wash over him as he realized how easily this Pokemon could kill him, so he picked his next words carefully.

“I have come to humbly request a trade of sorts, a bargain.” Drake said kneeling respectfully to the dragon.

Salamence seemed to consider a moment, before saying, “what do you have to offer, human?” Drake was relived that the dragon Pokemon had stopped roaring. The man immediately reached for five of the Pokeballs in his bag, all five made of the finest Apricorns available. He took the black colored balls out of his bag and released the Pokemon inside, five huge Snorlax; all were awake, and confused at why they were in a cave at the top of a mountain, with a massive Salamence staring at them. “Behold, enough food to last you a year.” Drake said gesturing at the huge black and white Pokemon, who had suddenly turned pale. “In return I wish to be king.”

Salamence looked from the Snorlax back to Drake, an angry red gleam in its eyes. “YOU DARE THINK I AM UNABLE TO HUNT FOR MYSELF! YOUR BARGAIN FAILS!” the Salamence roared, sending shock waves through the mountain. Salamence looked back to the Snorlax “you are free from this man’s bondage, return to the wild.” all five Pokemon immediately scattered, disappearing quickly among the surrounding rocks. Drake glared at the retreating Pokemon, each had cost him their own weight in gold.

The Salamence turned around and began to walk back into the cave, a disgusted look on its horned face. “Wait!” Drake called to the dragon, “I have another offer.”

Salamence turned its large head around, a bored look on its scaly face. Drake reached again into his bag, hoping the valuable treasure in there, his trump card, would catch the eye of the Salamence. Pausing for a dramatic effect, Drake pulled a large, beautifully cut diamond from his bag. The gem was the size of a man’s head and shaped almost like an egg, the diamond was wrapped in a pure gold webbing that contrasted sharply with the transparent jewel, altogether it was worth enough to buy an entire castle, Drake hoped it would impress the dragon enough to make him king. Drake held his breath as the dragon stared at the stone.

The dragon seemed to be in a trance as it stared at the gem; slowly it moved its head forward and closed its powerful jaws around it. As the Pokemon lifted the crystal from Drake’s hands with its fanged mouth, Drake grinned, thinking Salamence had accepted his offer. He watched the dragon as it held the gem tightly in its jaws, when suddenly the great dragon slammed its jaws shut, crushing the jewel into a sparkling powder.

“First you insult my hunting ability, now you offer me trinkets stolen from Pokemopolis?” the Pokemon’s voice was deathly quiet as he spoke to Drake, who was frozen with a look of shock on his face. How did this Pokemon know I stole the diamond from the city of Pokemopolis? Drake wondered fearfully, indeed, two years ago he had visited the utopia known as Pokemopolis, the Pokemon-worshipping people there may be the greatest civilization in the world, but they trusted people too much, it was easy for him to sneak into a temple and steal the gem, but how could this Pokemon know? Suddenly he felt this was no ordinary Pokemon, he needed to leave quickly.

Salamence laughed, a horrible hissing sound that caused shivers to run up the man’s spine, “You want to leave? Let me give you a ride.” The dragon said and lunged at Drake.

“I don’t think so,” Drake said, before the dragon could get to him. Reaching quickly into his bag, he pulled out the last of the six Apricorn Pokeballs. Although he was not a Pokemon trainer, he had borrowed one Pokemon to protect him if he needed it. He turned a knob near the top of the dark colored ball, causing it to open around the middle, and a bright flash of white light materialized in front of the oncoming Salamence. “One last deal, dragon, make me king, and I won’t have to kill you.” Drake said as his Pokemon finished materializing.

The massive Salamence balked at the small plant-like Pokemon in front of it. “Bulbasaur!” the Pokemon cried as he struck a battle pose.

Drake struggled to remember the Pokemon’s moves; he had not raised this Bulbasaur, but had got it from a friend. “Bulbasaur! Use Razorleaf!” he ordered, using the first move that came to his mind.

In response, the tiny Pokemon opened the bulb on his back slightly, and released a flurry of sharp-edged leaves toward the dragon Pokemon

Salamence snorted, “Foolish,” then it released a torrent of bright red flames from its mouth, the intense flames shot through the leaves, and continued, engulfing Bulbasaur before he could react. Drake helplessly watched as the borrowed Pokemon was burned, luckily he remembered the Pokeball in his hand, and recalled the green Pokemon before the dragon’s fire could kill the little dinosaur.

Salamence turned back to Drake, who was backed against the cave wall in fear. “What was that about killing me?” it asked, showing its teeth in a terrifying grin. “No answer? No other bargains to make? Well, I think its time we took a trip.”

Before Drake could move, he was scooped up in the blue dragon’s claws and pressed tightly against the Pokemon’s hard white underbelly. Drake could feel the wind from the dragon’s wings as it lifted them swiftly from the rock floor, and flew out of the cave. Although Drake was pressed face-up to the Pokemon’s belly, he knew they were flying at incredible speeds, and after a few terrifying minutes, the Salamence slowed down and came to a stop, dropping Drake a few feet to the ground. Drake looked up at the hovering dragon, a scared look on his face.

“You said you wanted a kingdom, well here you go, welcome to Kanto, human population, one,” The dragon said laughing, “human, you have now learned how NOT to bargain with a dragon!” the Salamence said as it flew away.

Drake watched helplessly as the dragon left, disappearing into the rapidly setting sun. After he could no longer see the Pokemon, He checked his surroundings, it appeared he was dropped in a small field surrounded on all sides by huge trees; unfortunately, the emerald leaves were too thick to see through, so he had no idea of how large the forest was. Looking at the sky, he saw no smoke that would give away a village, so he assumed Salamence was telling the truth about this place it called Kanto, no one lived here.

Sighing, Drake recalled the emergency survival training he had received before he had stupidly decided to climb the Dragonback Mountains alone. He remembered that the first thing you need to do is make a fire, luckily he still had his flint and steel from his trip up the mountain, which was a waste of time he reminded himself bitterly, before walking towards the forest to collect firewood.

As he entered the dark forest, he felt as if he was being watched, and sure enough, when he looked up an entire flock of Murkrow was staring at him. Making a twisted hand motion to ward off the bad luck the black birds made, he continued farther into the forest.

After an hour, he managed to collect a large pile of wood, and for another hour he tried to start a fire, the sparks flew wildly from the steel, but refused to ignite the kindling. Drake threw the flint and steel to the ground with disgust, he couldn’t believe his terrible luck, one week he lives in a mansion, with millions of dollars, and the next he is huddled in the dirt, over a pile of sticks that won’t catch on fire, all thanks to some monster, mind-reading Salamence. Suddenly, he heard a boom of thunder, and as if Mother Nature was trying to add to his misery, it started to rain. Cursing, Drake ran towards the forest for cover. As he curled up under a bush in an attempt to keep dry, he swore that one day he would get that Salamence back for ruining his life. With that oath, he fell into an uneasy sleep.
__________________

Last edited by NeonDragonair; 01-28-2008 at 04:02 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-28-2008, 03:16 AM
NeonDragonair's Avatar
NeonDragonair Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: That way ->
Posts: 41
Default Re: How NOT to Bargain With a dragon

Several hours later, a Pokemon returned to the forest where he lived. As this Pokemon crawled under the leafy bush that was his home, he noticed that a strange creature was sleeping right on his nest. The small green Pokemon watched the creature sleep, enraged that this thing was invading his territory, and sleeping in his nest of all things! He began charging up the electricity stored in his thick fur, allowing just enough power to wake the thing up; he didn’t want to kill it and have to deal with a corpse in his bush. Once the Pokemon finished charging up, he released a thunderbolt of pure blue electricity at the strange creature.
………………….

Drake woke up with a jolt, feeling strangely dizzy. Still half asleep, Drake tried to figure what had happened; it felt like he had been hit by a weak Thundershock. Suddenly he was hit again, and after shaking off the shock, Drake sat up and began franticly searching for what had shocked him. A few seconds later, he noticed a small dog-like Pokemon, its little fangs were bared and its green fur was crackling with electricity. Drake recognized it as the Pokemon called Electrike, one of his friends had once bred and sold them for pets, but he had never seen one that was so aggressive.

Once again, the Pokemon fired a Thundershock, but Drake dodged, rolling to the left. “So you want to play do you?” Drake said, picking up a clump of mud from the rain-soaked ground. He threw the mud ball at the Electrike, hitting it dead-on. The green Pokemon tried to shake the mud of, but the sticky stuff clung to its fur. Electrike growled deeply, and then tried to use another Thundershock, but the mud prevented the electricity from moving past his fur.

After realizing he couldn’t use electric attacks, the Pokemon tried to flee, running out of the bush, toward the open field.

“Oh, no you don’t.” Drake said, swiftly crawling out of the bush. He ran to catch up with the Electrike, blocking the small Pokemon from its escape route. Annoyed by the human, the Electrike chomped his teeth into Drake’s leg. The man shouted out in pain, and tried to kick the electric Pokemon, but it dodged nimbly out of the way. Enraged at the Pokemon’s defiance, Drake decided to solve this the Pokemon trainer way, and released Bulbasaur from its Pokeball.

After a brief flash of white, Bulbasaur appeared a few feet from Drake, the small Pokemon was covered in black burn marks, and could hardly stand up. Drake was surprised at the Pokemon’s condition; he had always thought that a Pokemon healed inside a Pokeball.

Bulbasaur suddenly fell over, and Drake felt an unexpected wave of pity for the creature, but it seemed that the Electrike cared not for the fallen Pokemon, and tackled him, sending the grass type flying into the open field. Drake ran over to Bulbasaur, and kneeled beside him. The Pokemon weakly looked up at Drake, pain radiating from his eyes.

Drake heard a rustling sound from the woods, and Electrike burst out of the forest, not yet done with the trainer and his Pokemon. The electric Pokemon crept toward Drake and Bulbasaur, thick mud still caked on its fur. Drake glared at the approaching Pokemon, noticing the sun was rising behind it, casting rays of sunlight though the trees, one of these bright rays fell on Bulbasaur, whose bulb began sparkling slightly. Drake gasped as the seed Pokemon’s wounds began to heal, and soon Bulbasaur looked good as new and stood up, facing Electrike, “Bulba!” it shouted, challenging the opposing electric type.

Drake reached into his pack, pulling out a thick book titled, Pokemon of the world. Inside the book was information about all the Pokemon known to Man, he had originally brought it to use for identifying edible Pokemon, now he would use it to show Bulbasaur’s attacks. He flipped through the pages until he found the Bulbasaur page, Drake skimmed the attack list, and choose an interesting looking move: Vine Whip- uses thick vines to grab/hit.

“Use Vine Whip, Bulbasaur.” Drake ordered, looking up from the book.

The man watched as Bulbasaur extended long vines from under its large bulb, stretching them toward the oncoming Electrike. Bulbasaur grunted as he tightened the vines around the green dog and lifted it into the air, yelping and squirming. But right as the grass Pokemon was about to throw the opponent, the Electrike bit one of the vines, and sent an electric shock through his teeth. Drake saw the wave of sparks shoot down the vine, making a cackling sound. To Drake’s surprise, once the electricity got to Bulbasaur, it passed right through the Pokemon to the ground, Bulbasaur didn’t seem to even feel the sparks. Then Bulbasaur finished off the move by slamming Electrike to the ground with a muffled thump.

The Electrike immediately stood up once Bulbasaur let him go, the way he stood, head held high and confident, told Drake, You’ve got to do better than that.

Suddenly, faster than Drake could blink, Electrike started running toward Bulbasaur, slowly at first, but quickly picking up speed until it was no more than a green streak. The streak zoomed around, confusing Bulbasaur momentarily to the Electrike’s true location, then the green Pokemon struck Bulbasaur from behind, “ Bulbasaur!” it cried out in surprise, but didn’t seem too bothered by the attack.

After the attack, Electrike ran into a patch of weeds, disappearing into the tall green stalks. From inside the grass, Electrike’s eyes turned red, and he glared out at Bulbasaur, the grass Pokemon became fearful, losing his composure. Responding to Bulbasaur’s lowered defense, Electrike shot out of the weeds like a bullet, slamming into Bulbasaur, and running back to the long grass before the stunned opponent could counter-attack.

Before Drake could find a way to help Bulbasaur, Electrike shot out of the grass again, hitting the Pokemon before he knew what had happened. Drake watched as Bulbasaur tottered drunkenly, about to collapse.

Drake knew Bulbasaur couldn’t survive another surprise attack, so he needed to find away to remove the tall grass, luckily, he knew the perfect move for the job.

“Bulbasaur, try and cut the grass away with Razorleaf!” Drake ordered.

Bulbasaur planted his feet firmly on the ground, and released a flurry of extremely sharp leaves at the tall weed pile, Drake was surprised to see the attack looked more powerful than the one he used against Salamence, It must be the pressure of his injuries, Drake thought.

The leaves cut through the plants like a hot knife through butter, hitting the hidden Electrike also, causing the Pokemon to cry out in both surprise and pain.

Now that the opponent was reveled, Drake once again checked his book for a move, Take Down, he read, a powerful tackling attack.

“Sounds good,” he said to himself before shouting “Use Take Down!”

As Bulbasaur began charging at Electrike, Drake noticed that it had surprising speed for such a chubby Pokemon, and the grass type managed to slam into Electrike before the electric Pokemon could react. The plant Pokemon hit the opponent so hard he actually hurt himself a little in the careless attack, but Electrike was hurt a lot worse. Drake surprised himself with a shout of excitement, in the past he had never been interested in Pokemon battles, but this was truly exciting!

After the two Pokemon got up, they began slowly circling around each other, waiting for the other to make a careless move. Drake used this opportunity to check the book for another move. Skimming through the list, his blue eyes fell on the last move listed: Solarbeam: absorbs sunlight and focuses it into a beam. Bulbasaur’s most powerful attack.

Drake looked to the sky, the sun was now visible, and casting a good amount of light on the field. “Bulbasaur, finish it with Solarbeam!”

Bulbasaur turned toward the sun, and Drake could see tiny particles of sunlight being absorbed into the bulb on his back. looking nervously to the Electrike to see what it was doing, he was surprised to see it was also absorbing energy, the air around it started to cackle with static electricity, the power from the sparks causing the mud on its fur to drop of like a discarded skin.

The two Pokemon stood at a stand-off, both slowly powering up for a final devastating attack.

After another few seconds of charging, the Electrike was the first to move, the last few sparks were absorbed into his body, and the Pokemon jumped high into the air, its entire body making popping sounds as it moved. Once the Pokemon reached the climax of his jump, he let out a mighty roar, and it released every bit of power from his small frame in the form of a lightning bolt. The blue energy fell toward Bulbasaur, who in that instant fired the Solarbeam. The two energies hit, and for a single second the beams connected, sunlight and electricity fighting to get past one another. The Solarbeam won out, bursting through the lightning and hitting its target, enveloping the Electrike in solar energy while he was still in the air. “Elect!” he cried out as the powerful beam drained his energy away. Meanwhile the Thunder attack veered off course and harmlessly stuck the ground, throwing up clumps of dirt.

A moment later, the beam of solar light faded, allowing the target to fall to the ground. The electric Pokemon tried to stand, but the combined effect of the Solarbeam, and losing all the electricity from his body due to the Thunder attack, left it exhausted, it fell to the ground in a limp heap.

Drake considered for a moment what he should do. The battle with this Pokemon was exciting, even fun, and he knew that if a trainer likes a Pokemon they battled, they would capture it. But did he really want to have to care for this Pokemon? He was not the kind of guy who would train a Pokemon, much less have to take care of one on an uninhabited foreign land. But, he thought, having more Pokemon meant more protection. So it all came down to the question, did he truly want to follow the path of the Pokemon trainer? He wasn’t sure of the answer, but if he did later decide to raise Pokemon he would regret not catching this Electrike, it had put up a great fight, and loved to battle, it seemed. Drake looked once more at the fallen Pokemon, which was starting to stir, and then he looked down at Bulbasaur, who was looking expectantly at him. Having making his choice, he reached into his bag for the Pokeball that had once held the Snorlax he had offered Salamence, thinking of the dragon, he realized that if he trained his Pokemon enough, he may get the revenge he so desperately wanted against the dragon.

Turning the small knob at the top of the Pokeball, he released the internal lock. He threw the ball at the fallen Electrike, watching the mysterious red light suck up the Pokemon as the ball split. Drake heard a small click as the two halves snapped together. As the internal lock started to seal the Pokemon within, the weakened Electrike struggled to free itself the ball, both Drake and Bulbasaur watched as the Pokeball rocked once…twice…
__________________

Last edited by NeonDragonair; 01-28-2008 at 03:24 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-28-2008, 03:21 AM
Phantom Kat's Avatar
Phantom Kat Offline
¡Con ganas!
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: In my strretchy pants
Posts: 5,018
Send a message via AIM to Phantom Kat Send a message via MSN to Phantom Kat
Default Re: How NOT to Bargain With a dragon

The Squirtle girl has arrived. =D

Plot: Drake is both rich and greedy and because of this, wants to become kind of Constanal, his village. He makes a desperate, hard, and foolish climb to the top of the Dragonback Mountains in where he meets an enormous Salamence; this is the dragon that would give him anything he wishes for a trade. After two insults, the Salemence is aggravated and takes Drake to the foreign land that will one day be Kanto. Distraught and angered, Drake tries to survive but a miffed Electrike attacks him. This leads to a battle between Bulbasaur and Electrike.

Wow, this was really good. I loved the whole medieval, ancient feeling you gave to the plot and this reminds of me those fairy tales of knights and dragons with magic and wishes. You pulled it off really nice, the Salamence really does seem like a haughty dragon from long ago. The olden Poke Balls was a good effect and believable so kudos for that, too.

Intro: Drake is man who wishes to be king and to become one, he needs to travel to the tallest peak of the Dragonback Mountains. In there, he meets the creature he has been looking for, a dangerous, larger than normal, Salamence.

Once again, you did a really nice job here. The little intro, prologue you could say, was a nice touch since you told us about the main character before the story even begun now where the story takes place, very important for stories that don’t place in the modern Pokemon world.

After that, you had a nice hook. You opened it in the middle of Drake’s climb which ensured that it wasn’t boring and tedious. You also described this greedy man and not in a way that I felt the information shoved down my throat. All I suggest to make your intros better is to describe the opening surroundings just as you do your characters. On top of the mountain peak foggy and unclear, maybe the rocks were brittle or solid. Maybe they were wet from a recent rain shower which made it that much harder to climb. Don’t forget that in order to open up with a bang, we need to know where your character is and make sure to write it so that feel as though we are there.

Grammar/Spelling: You did pretty good here, no major mistakes but you had some typos and wrong words here and there.

Quote:
Now rumor clamed that he was seeking to become king, and that something at the peak of the tallest mountain in the Dragonback mountain range would help him to achieve his goal.
Should be “claimed”.

Quote:
Drake was relived that the dragon Pokemon had stopped roaring.
I bet you meant “relieved”.

Quote:
Now that the opponent was reveled,
“Revealed” is the word you are looking for.

Quote:
Drake wondered fearfully, indeed, two years ago he had visited the utopia known as Pokemopolis, the Pokemon-worshipping people there may be the greatest civilization in the world, but they trusted people too much, it was easy for him to sneak into a temple and steal the gem, but how could this Pokemon know?
Like in here, you had instances in where you put a period instead of a comma. It’s not grammatically incorrect (well, I don’t think so, I’m not into grammar xD ) but it makes drawn out and rushed, IMO. In here, a period could be put after “fearfully”, “Pokemopolis”, and maybe after “much”. You still have some pretty good sentences but now, they aren’t all strung together and when you read it, it doesn’t seem so rushed.

Quote:
Salamence opened its jaws, as if to eat the man in front of it, but instead roared, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?”
In some places like in here, you didn’t have anything before or after someone speaking. You can’t leave it blank, either a period or a comma goes there.

Quote:
YOUR BARGAIN FAILS!
Nothing wrong here, I just thought this was hilarious. xD

Length: Wow, over 20K? Really nice and perfect, keep up the good work. ^^

Description/Detail: You have this down pretty well. I could visualize everything that was happening along with the facial expressions and actions of characters. You described the Pokemon, as well. This is good because some people may not know or forget how a certain Pokoemon looks like. Just make sure you describe them more in detail along with your characters and surroundings like the shape of the Pokemon, their skin color, and things that adorned their body (horns, bulbs, leaves, etc.).

Another thing to remember is that instead of using just sight in your description, use all of your other senses. Did the cave where Salamence lives dank and moist or was it filled from with the odor of blood from the food he hunts? Was Salamence’s skin sandpaper rough or was it gleaming and smooth like that huge diamond? Adding hearing, taste (don’t lick the characters, maybe use it for the air? XD ), smell, and touch along with sight can make your story come to life and with your good description already, that will be wonderful.

Battle: Your battle was long and two-sided and that is exactly what you should always do. I liked the fact that Bulbasaur was still beaten up from the cave scene but the sunlight healed him. Writing on how the Electrike hid in the grass, attacked, and then slipped back was very smart and it was even better to read how Drake thought of cutting the grass to remedy the sneaky attacks. Keep using your terrain just like this in your future stories and add as much description as possible (including all the senses) to the battle as well.

Outcome: Despite some typos here and there in your story, your story was great! So, without further ado, Electrike captured! Congrats, remember to use all of your senses and not to make your sentences rushed with a billion commas, sometimes stopping is better so that your reader can take a breather to take in all that your wrote. Keep on writing and enjoy the electric dog…thing. =p

- Kat
__________________

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce

Last edited by Phantom Kat; 01-28-2008 at 11:49 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-29-2008, 12:24 PM
NeonDragonair's Avatar
NeonDragonair Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: That way ->
Posts: 41
Default Re: How NOT to Bargain With a dragon

Thanks for the grade! the next chap will be soon ^^
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 02-09-2008, 02:12 PM
NeonDragonair's Avatar
NeonDragonair Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: That way ->
Posts: 41
Default Re: How NOT to Bargain With a dragon

Here's the next chapter,

Chapter 2

Drake slowly walked over to the still Pokeball, unsure about the capture. He picked up the ball gingerly, as if it was going burst open and the Electrike inside would attack him, but after another second, he was positive, he had captured the little electric dog.

“Bulba” Drake heard a voice say by his feet, he looked down to see Bulbasaur looking proudly up at him. The man was amazed at how you could see emotions like that from a Pokemon, almost human he thought, uneasily. Back home he had only seen Pokemon used for labor purposes; he never thought that the Pokemon had actual feelings.

“I think we should take a little break.” Drake told Bulbasaur, looking over the wounds the grass type got from his battle with Electrike.

Thinking of the electric Pokemon, Drake decided to let it out, remembering how Bulbasaur hadn’t healed at all inside its Pokeball after the battle with Salamence. Drake rolled the black Apricorn Pokeball in his hands, letting the smooth, cool surface calm his nerves. Salamence was one of the reasons that he caught Electrike, to get revenge against the dragon for leaving him stranded in this strange land was something he was dying to do.

Drake opened up the Pokeball, releasing his first true Pokemon in a flash of bright white light. As the light dimmed, the green furred Pokemon materialized. Although the Pokemon didn’t have many visible wounds, he still looked exhausted as he looked up at his new trainer.

“Hi there, Electrike!” Drake said to the Pokemon, as if it were a small child.

Electrike responded by lying down in the velvet-like grass on the ground, stubbornly looking away from its trainer.

Drake was surprised by the reaction for a second, but realized that Electrike had a right to be angry; He did steal the Pokemon’s freedom, after all.

Drake decided to give the electric Pokemon some space, and walked to the edge of the forest, making sure he could still see both of his Pokemon resting in the field

Drake closed his eyes as he leaned against a large tree, letting the sound of wind rustling though the trees wash over him. He sighed, never before in his life had things seemed so peaceful. As a young child, he grew up in a heavily populated town, and was used to living day and night in the hectic streets, filled with both people and Pokemon. Because both of his parents died while he was young, and he had no other family, so he was forced to fend for himself until the age ten. One day, it seemed like so long ago now, he was attempting to steal some roast Milktank from a small street shop. He had almost got away with it, unnoticed, except a group of older kids cut him off. At first, he had thought they were going to steal the precious food, but instead they praised him on his skill, and after finding out he was an orphan, welcomed him into their gang.

Well, he spent his entire childhood in that group, all of which were runaways, thieves on the run, or orphans like himself. As the years went on, the little gang grew, until it became a fully-fledged organization, which specialized in making money from selling Pokemon or using them for public entertainment and labor.

As the organization became more powerful, Drake did as well, rising quickly through the ranks until he became second only to the boss. With his powerful influence, he had other people to do the grunt work for him, giving them a small portion of the profit and keeping the rest for himself, that’s how he became rich. At first being wealthy was good enough for him, but after a while, he began to crave the kind of power the boss had, and the only person as powerful as the boss was the King of Constanal.

Drake was roused from his thoughts by a small pushing on his leg, opening one eye, he saw Bulbasaur looking up at him.

“What do you want?” Drake asked the grass Pokemon, a slight, unintentional snarl in his voice.

Bulbasaur opened its mouth widely, gaping like a baby bird.

Drake looked at the Pokemon a minute, puzzled, before realizing that it was hungry.

“Let’s see what we have to eat,” Drake said as he grabbed his bag from beside him.
After a few moments of rummaging though the contents of his bag, Drake realized he had no food left. The second he realized he had no food, he started to feel hungry himself.

When Bulbasaur realized he wasn’t going to be fed, he started to sniff the air, much like a Growlithe picking up a criminal’s scent. Drake watched the Pokemon curiously, until a smile came to the grass Pokemons face. Suddenly, with a small shout of excitement, the green Pokemon started to run into the forest that surrounded them. Drake quickly jumped up to follow the Pokemon into the forest, before remembering Electrike, and returning the snoozing electric Pokemon to its Pokeball.

Drake tried his best to keep up with Bulbasaur, but occasionally the grass Pokemon disappeared amongst the thick foliage, and the man was forced to only follow the sound of the occasional “Bulba!” from the thick forest in front of him.

After another few minutes of dodging hanging vines and other clingy plants, Drake heard the sound of rushing water. A moment later, the forest abruptly ended, reviling a small clearing with a medium sized river in the middle. As Drake entered the field, he was overwhelmed by a sweet scent in the air, a smell that seemed to be coming from a small grove of trees with bright yellow leaves.

Drake had never seen trees like this before; they were the size of a small Cheri berry tree, with thin trunks only as thick as his own leg. Adorning the sunflower yellow leaves where pearl colored flowers, as well as a large number of bright blue berries. At the base of one of the trees, Bulbasaur was using his long vines to pluck the blue fruit.

Drake walked over to the plant Pokemon, and watched it as it ate berry after berry. With every bite it seemed to look better, small wounds from before were slowly starting to heal. Deciding that the berries were safe to eat, Drake reached up and grabbed one, the blue fruit was about the size of his palm, and he rolled fruit around in his hands before taking a bite.
At first, he thought the berry tasted like nothing, but a moment later an explosion of a hard to place flavor filled his mouth, causing an incredible wave of energy hit him like a charging Rhydon. Quickly finishing off the rest of the berry, Drake reached for another and quickly filled his bag with the amazing fruit.

After filling all the unused space in the bag, as well as their stomachs, Drake and Bulbasaur leaned contently against some rocks near the river. Drake watched the foggy water rush by, hypnotized by the steady roar of the water, when suddenly, the surface of the water was broken by a fish Pokemon leaping from the water, “Goldeen, goldeen!” the delicate looking fish Pokemon said before diving back into the water.

Drake jumped up once he saw the fish Pokemon,

“Do you know what this means?” Drake asked Bulbasaur excitedly.

“Bulba-saur?” the dinosaur-like Pokemon cocked his head quizzically at the trainer’s question.

Drake shook his head slightly, he wasn’t used to having to explain himself, “This river probably leads to the ocean, right? If I can catch a water Pokemon, it can swim me out of this place and I can find Constanal, I can go home!” Drake said, voice becoming more excited the more he talked.

For the next few minutes, Drake collected some things that he could use to make a fishing rod, a long, flexible stick and a long piece of thin rope from his bag. He tied the rope to the stick, and for a hook, he used one of the barbs from his grappling hook he used back at the Dragonback Mountains. He finished the rod by putting a chunk of one of his blue berries on the hook to use as bait.

Drake looked over the improvised rod, thinking that if a real fisherman saw it, they would probably faint from the sheer ugliness of it.

Throwing the string into the water, Drake waited for the fish to bite, while Bulbasaur snoozed in the grass beside him.

Drake was surprised when only a few minutes later, the rod started to twitch slightly. Tensing his muscles, Drake prepared to pull the Pokemon up.

The rod jerked sharply in Drakes hands, and the man pulled as hard as he could, causing a bright orange fish to be pulled from the water. As the fish soared though the air, the makeshift hook slipped from its mouth, and the Pokemon started to fall back toward the water.

Drake stood, dumfounded as the fish started to fall into the water, but amazingly, right as the fish hit the water, a green vine wrapped around the Pokemon‘s tailfin.

Drake looked to his side, and saw that Bulbasaur had woken up, and was reeling the struggling fish to shore. Bulbasaur placed the fish on shore, slowly releasing the fish from his vines.

“That was great Bulbasaur.” Drake said, grateful for what the plant Pokemon had done for him.

Drake looked back at the flopping fish Pokemon, it had florescent orange scales and beige spikes on its back and belly, and two white whiskers sprouted from either side of its face.

“Magikarp…Magikarp” the fish Pokemon gasped as it weakly tried to breathe air.

Drake shrugged, “a fish is a fish I guess,” he said, unimpressed by the Pokemon.

“Use Leech Seed to start off.” Drake said to Bulbasaur, earlier he had memorized all the Pokemon’s attacks so he didn’t have the same problem as last time he battled with it.

Bulbasaur crouched down, and a small brown seed sprouted from the bulb on his back. Bulbasaur launched the seed at Magikarp.

The seed landed on the fish’s forehead, and wrapped the Pokemon in small green vines, a moment later the vines started to glow red, and Magikarp began to flop around in apparent pain.

“Now use Tackle, Bulbasaur!” Drake commanded his Pokemon.

Bulbasaur charged at the fish Pokemon, but a moment before he made contact, Magikarp flipped in the air, and smashed the shocked grass type in the head with its tail.

Bulbasaur blinked as a small bruise started to form on his head; the Pokemon was more surprised than hurt. Once again, the vines covering Magikarp began to glow, and this time several tiny green orbs sprouted from the vines, and flew over to Bulbasaur, healing the wound on his head.

“Try to pin it down with Vine Whip!” Drake told Bulbasaur.

Bulbasaur backed away a few feet, before shooting out two long wines from his back at Magikarp. Bulbasaur wrapped the vines tightly around the Magikarp and lifted the fish Pokemon into the air. Once again, the fish Pokemon started to flail around, causing Bulbasaur to lose his grip, and release the orange carp.

The water type fell down into the water, as it gratefully slid into the cool water the clinging vines from the Leech Seed slid of like a discarded cape.

“Try and flush it back out with Razor Leaf!” Drake yelled quickly.

Bulbasaur began to shoot the attack randomly at the water, sending up large splashes of the murky water. Once the attack moved over a patch of water a few feet downstream, the orange fish was thrown out of the water, sparkling almost majestically in the bright sunlight.

Drake threw one of his Pokeballs at the airborne fish, and Magikarp was sucked in by the red light.

As the Pokeball fell to the shoreline, Drake watched as the ball wiggled once, twice…


going for: Magikarp
easiest
length needed: 3-5K
length have: ~11,350
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 02-09-2008, 03:40 PM
Leman's Avatar
Leman Offline
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: You have one guess
Posts: 8,639
Send a message via AIM to Leman
Default Re: How NOT to Bargain With a dragon

I need to grade more. I'll grade this. D:

Plot:

Drake is a young thief who has managed to capture an Electrike, after a disastrous trip into the Dragon back mountains. After letting his Pokemon rest, he becomes hungry, and takes his Pokemon to a Cheri tree he finds in the forest. They eat some of the berries (which are red btw not blue, and the usually don't heal HP, they heal PAR :x). Then they find a stream. With a makeshift rod, Drake fishes and hooks a Magikarp.

First of all, I'd like to say that I like where this story seems to be going. Hopefully it'll be quite long and interesting.

Second, this plot for this segment of the story was very nice for a Magikarp. Though it was somewhat typical with the whole fishing thing, it was still good. I liked how Drake almost lost the Magikarp, but Bulbasaur helped it back up. Good work.

Third, I have some questions:

Whats an Apricorn Pokeball? :x

And is this the Drake from Hoenn Pokemon league? If it was, that would be so cool! :D

Introduction:

Not much really, but this is a continuation so...bleh. You might want to put in a Recap for new graders. (I was too lazy to actually read the first part.) It helps with understanding.

Grammar/Spelling:

Not bad. There were a couple typos here and there, but in total not too many. I did spot the following:

Quote:
Drake was surprised by the reaction for a second, but realized that Electrike had a right to be angry; He did steal the Pokemon’s freedom, after all.
'He' shouldn't be capitalized.

Quote:
Drake shrugged.A fish is a fish I guess,” he said, unimpressed by the Pokemon.
That should be technically two sentences.

Other wise your grammar was pretty good.

Length:

asdfgHJKL;'

You did great here. :D Heck, you could have gone for two. :O

Details:

Your detail was nice and vibrant, and I could picture everything in the story. You might want to give me a little more about the stream, or the forest, or that field they were resting in, in the future. Surroundings, I've found seem to be the place where most writers forget to describe. That, along with using your other four senses. Don't just tell me what something looks like, but tell me what it smells like, or sounds like. It adds a new depth to the detail to your stories, and they become much funner to read.

Reality:

Real enough. Except for the Cheri Berry thing, I did not find anything unrealistic about this story.

Battle:

It was somewhat short, but I understand that this is a Magikarp, and it sucks, and that you had a type advantage (No matter which Pokemon you used). I liked how you still let the carp get an attack in, and that you nearly lost it, when you used the stream. That was all good.

But, I have a suggestion, that you probably have already thought of it, and are going to use it in a different chapter. Maybe, you can put Electrike in the battle, as a test to prove itself. Electirke could have been beaten the carp, after a couple of moves that it ignored. I don't know. It could have killed you length problem here. D:

Outcome:

The story was a good story overall, and I liked it. Magikarp Captured!! Good Luck with those other chapters. :D
__________________
My VPP

Done: 8680

I don't ref forum battles/1v1s. Don't PM me to ref, IM me instead.
I need to have basic battles.

I grade week old stories that are Hard rank or lower. :)



Last edited by Leman; 02-09-2008 at 04:12 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:25 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com