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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 01-28-2008, 11:46 PM
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Default Sights Set on Jubilife!

Sights Set on Jubilife!
By Llama Commando



Chapter 1: Sounds In The Dark
Target: Noctowl
Range: Hard (20k-30k)
Achieved: 26705

"Starly, go!" a boy yelled, as his freshly thrown Pokéball opened and produced the form of a small bird. It grew larger and clearer until the definitive form of a chubby, little Starly was clear. The bird looked around at it's battle field. They were in the middle of a scenic park, with tall elms and oaks on every side, and a placid lake to the east. After feeling it had enough of a grasp of it's location, the Starly flew high into the air, awaiting the foe's move.

His opponent replied by throwing a similar ball, which gave way to a small, tadpole-like creature. The Poliwag stretched its legs after being solitary and confined for such a long period of time. No one watching this battle would have noticed an insignificant 13 year-old boy on a park bench, intently studying the battlers and their companions. His hair was jet black and he wore a T-shirt and jeans. His deep navy hat was focused around a small gator in the center, labeled Totodile. He frequently jotted down notes, mumbled things to himself, and even took a picture or two. Night had fallen on the small town of Sandgem, with both battlers using every item and piece of skill at their disposal. Other than them, everyone was safely tucked in bed, watching TV or reading a novel. That is, except for Connor Miller.

As the sun moved down and behind the distant Mt. Coronet, he had taken out a small, portable flashlight and continued his intensely thorough analysis of the competitors. Soon enough, the Poliwag and his trainer were victorious, and the two friends headed home, leaving the studious boy alone in the darkness.

Mom is out tonight, I guess I might as well do some training the teenager thought to himself as he pulled a lone red and white orb off his belt. The perfectly circular ball felt cold and smooth, as if it had been left in a freezer overnight and had the ice shaved off the following morning. He pressed the button in the middle, enlarging the ball to its normal size. "Go Squirtle!" Connor yelled as he threw his Pokéball into the street. The small ball opened, shooting out a crimson beam that eventually formed a small reptile.

"Squirt, Squirtle!" the small blue turtle announced as he shook his tail and looked at his trainer.

The two had been united just 3 weeks ago, when Squirtle had been given to Connor as his starter. His original choice had been an Elekid, but when at the point of announcing his selection, he noticed a blue turtle in the corner of Professor Rowan's Laboratory. It seemed sad and neglected, almost calling out to him. His shell was dirty, his face scarred. Connor had a sudden change of heart, and proudly announced his choice of Squirtle to the assisstant. She carried him over, and the two's lives began anew. They had bonded well, and were now the closest of friends. Connor, however, had a summer job at the Pokémart, and couldn't leave on his journey until the leaves on the trees became their beautiful fall brown. That time had come, and he had planned on leaving tomorrow. However, he felt that Squirtle could use some more training, and without further ado, they had begun.

“Okay Squirtle, Skull Bash on those trash cans!”

With blazing speed, his reptile sprinted to the three dumpsters on the other side of the dark street, and rammed his amazingly hard skull into them, sending the containers several feet into the air and their contents everywhere. As much as he knew the clean-up wouldn't be fun, he couldn't help but admire his Pokémon's power and destructiveness.

“Now, use Aqua Tail on that bench!” Connor commanded. He soon, however, began to feel the part of a vandal as he watched his tortoise prepare for the attack. Squirtle’s tail began to glow a deep blue, and bubbles rippled across it. As quickly as this process had begun it had ended, as Squirtle slammed his tail down hard on the dumpster, ripping it in half and sending yet more garbage into the street. They continued for another half-hour, then began to clean up. This on it’s own took at least 45 minutes, and then the boy and his Squirtle began to trek home, it being almost dawn anyway.

Connor decided to let his Pokemon walk beside him on the journey home, both for the sake of company and the fact that Squirtle wasn’t out much. They walked south, pausing to behold the scenery every once in a while. The sun was still lurking in its protective lair beyond the horizon, but the streetlights sufficed for Connor and Squirtle. In his time at Twinleaf Town from his birth to age 7, he had never cared too much about beauty. But his arrival to Sandgem had completely changed that, as he was introduced to the tall, green trees, the calm lakes, and the beautiful ocean to the south. Squirtle kept on, finally crossing a large, ornate bridge and finding themselves at the Pokemon Center. As they paused to rest Connor checked his watch’s reading and was astonished—2:00 a.m.

“Holy crap it’s late!” Connor shouted, startling Squirtle so badly that he tripped. “Oh, I’m sorry little guy,” Connor said as he helped his companion back up, “It’s just that Mom will be home in 30 minutes, and we’ll be lucky to get there in 45!”

“Squirt, Squirt, Squirtle,” Connor’s Pokemon responded very seriously.

“Yeah, we’ve got to get going. I’ll go on my own, you get some rest.” And without further ado, Squirtle was absorbed into the Pokeball in a stunning yet short display of light. Connor turned a corner, and started sprinting back towards home, fatigue enveloping him.

Some night-shift workers had begun to head home, creating an irritating traffic that impeded Connor’s progress. He found himself hopping over fences and trespassing upon private property just to get home. If I don’t make it within 10 minutes, Mom’s gonna have my head on a stick! he thought to himself sarcastically as he continued in his tired sprint. There was the post office, he was almost there! He rounded one last corner, and he could make out his house, outlined by the brilliant sunrise. He was so joyous that his mother’s car was not yet in the driveway, he never noticed the mysterious old man to his right.

Stepping into the street with blinding speed, the old man cut in front of Connor, frightening him so that he skidded on the pavement and fell on his rear. Getting up slowly, Connor was wary of the old man, but he seemed very nonchalant towards the young boy he had just interrupted.

“How are you today?” the old man questioned, his deep blue eyes staring intently into Connor’s own, as if seeing through his skin directly into the recesses of his soul.

“Who are you?” Connor asked as he gained his bearings. Further study of the man found him to look much younger than previously thought, his still-black hair and jeans emphasizing that point.

“You have not yet answered my question lad, that is a little rude,” he retorted, a smirk forming on his face.

“Okay, I guess,” Connor irritatedly made out, his hand on Squirtle‘s Pokeball, “But who are you and why did you stop me?”

“Oh, I’m not going to cause you any harm”, the man said noticing his apprehension, “My name is Rowan, Gordon Rowan, and I am the father of Professor Rowan.”

Cautiously taking his hand from Squirtle‘s Pokeball, Connor responded, “Oh, well it is definitely an honor to meet you then, sir. However, I must be getting hom–”

“Ah, but I am in need of a favor, which is both the reason that I impeded you and have kept you here.” the man interrupted. He was really starting to get on Connor’s nerves now.

Man, this guy’s gonna keep me from beating Mom home. He may be Professor Rowan’s dad, but he’s still an obstacle, Connor angrily thought as he responded, “What, do you want, then? I’m leaving on my Pokemon journey at noon, so I’m not in a position to do anything major.”

“That’s okay, I know all about your situation.” Mr. Rowan said in a haughty tone.

“Exactly, so you see– Wait, you know?”

“Yes, I know.” Rowan said calmly, “I’ve been watching for a promising young man to run this errand for me, and you fit the bill nicely. You see, I have an acquaintance in Jubilife City, Stan Thompson, whom I have business dealings with. He is going out of town for the coming week, and will be leaving an important parcel at his house. I told him I’d get it in his absence, but things have come up and I am unable to go. Since the first place any new trainer would go is Jubilife, I looked for a fresh, young trainer to help me. I have studied you, and you seem trustworthy and smart. I would like you to run this errand for me.

“Wow,” Connor replied, “I guess I could. I was going to head for Jubilife anyway. However, it would take a while to get it back to you, considering city-to-city travel is slow.”

“Of course, I wouldn’t let you do this for me without a proper reward.” Rowan added, a tiny smile creeping across his face.

Connor’s face lit up, “A reward? I never expected–”

“But of course you didn’t. However, I couldn’t let a favor go unnoticed. I have here in my hand a voucher.” Rowan said as he took a small slip of paper from his pocket. “This is a voucher for a free Poketch, given to the professor by a friend. However, none of us have a need for it, though an aspiring trainer most certainly would. Once I receive the parcel, I will see to it that this voucher finds its way into your hands. The Poketch Company is located in Jubilife, so you will be able to exchange it right away.”

“That’s really kind of you. However, I really have to get home now.” Connor said, getting anxious. There was still no sign of his Mom.

“After you leave, come over to the lab, we can discuss more there.”

“Will do. Until then, bye!”

“Good-bye.” Rowan uttered, quickly turning away and strutting down the sidewalk.

What a character, Connor thought, but this was interrupted by the sound of a roaring engine a couple of blocks away. Oh no! Mom! Without time to spare, Connor forced his weary self to turn and sprint home. As he reached the front door and chanced a glance over his shoulder, he could make out his Mom’s car at the end of the road. “Phew, I’m in.” he muttered as he locked the door behind him and ran into the high-ceilinged hallway. He sprinted through the kitchen, almost knocked over a delicate and expensive purple vase as he continued up the stairs, and jumped into his bed in a fashion that resembled a scene from The Matrix.
“What a way to start your journey,” Connor yawned to himself as he pulled up the blue and red quilted blanket above his chest, “With no sleep.” However, a deep slumber did indeed consume him, and he relaxed in his private realm of dream and fantasy.

Splash!

“What? What’s going on?” Connor mumbled as he realized he had been drenched with a Water Gun. “Dang it, Squirtle! What’d you do that for?”

“Because it’s 10 o’clock and you need to get ready,” a soft female voice responded.

Looking up, Connor recognized the tall silhouette of his mother, Tina. Her bright blue eyes and long blonde hair looked pretty with the sun's morning rays silhouetted behind her. Irritated that his rest had been so rudely cut short by Mister Rowan, he reluctantly got up and dragged himself apathetically past his mother and Pokemon and into the bathroom. He quietly undressed, tossed his clothes into the hamper, and got into the shower. He forced himself to withstand a freezing cold one in the effort to wake himself up… which it certainly did.

After his frigid shower had ended, he returned to his room to get dressed and pack his things. He opened the large, white window to determine what the weather was like. It was usually fairly warm in Sandgem, but he was nonetheless surprised by the heat of the April morning. The sun's radience stood out among the beautiful grass and nature of his backyard. He picked out a bright red shirt with a depiction of the small lizard-Pokemon Charmander, pulled on a pair of shorts and his black Pokebelt, and put on his shoes. He then called over Squirtle and they set their minds to the task of packing his things.

In the end they packed more than they thought they would need. Besides many a pair of clothes; the backpack also held a toothbrush and toothpaste, a small, blue flashlight, 10 red and white Pokeballs, 5 Potions, a sharp Revive that gave Connor the incentive to add Band-Aids, some non-perishable food for when a restaurant was unavailable, a couple of Oran and Nanab berries for Squirtle, his map of Sinnoh, about 3000 Pokedollars, and many other things that he had not thought of before that day. The clock read 10:30, giving him an hour and a half, give or take a little, until he would set off. Having not yet eaten, he raced Squirtle down the stairs and into the kitchen. Squirtle was definitely going to win, but Connor slid down the stair rail, giving him the lead and win. It was this close, competitive bond that made Connor and Squirtle such great friends.

Considering it would be their last good meal for a good while, Connor and Squirtle enjoyed a luscious and hearty breakfast. Connor had the pleasure of a pumpkin muffin, 3 pancakes and a tall glass of orange juice. Squirtle, who ate on Connor’s right, delved right into an Oran Berry, a Leppa Berry, and two Sweet Poffins.

“It sure does stink that Mom is such a bad cook,” Connor said sarcastically, blatantly loud enough for his good-natured mother to hear, “doesn’t it Squirtle?”

“Squirtle, Squirt!” he agreed, right before starting on his first Poffin.

His mother just laughed, her shiny blue eyes radiant in the morning light. She had a great sense of humor. She needed it, too, to survive her husband’s (and Connor’s dad’s) death. His fatality was a tragic accident, highlighted by the fact that it was caused by their former neighbor. 2 years ago at the Sandgem Power Plant, of which Mr. Miller was the manager, the normal day was passing by just as any other would have. However, a key cable connecting to the Pokemon Center was left unconnected. This was the fault of said neighbor, Frederick Small. The power was just about to be supplied, when Mr. Miller noticed the unconnected wire.

“Hold up!” he said, approaching the wire. Apparently, Mr. Small could not hear him over the roar of machinery, and released the electricity. It happened upon the wire at the same time Connor’s Dad did. Whether or not this death was accidental or a murder may never be known, but the fact that it was a tragedy and shook the foundations of the Miller family is not arguable.

By the time breakfast was over with, it was 11:45. Deciding not to tell his mother about the incident with Mr. Rowan, Connor headed up to his room to do some last-minute checks. His pack was ready, he was supplied with many sorts of medicines and Pokeballs, and Squirtle was on his side, miniaturized into Pokeball-compatible energy. After this, he went to the garage and prepared his silver and black bike. He set the gear to 2nd, and brought it around to the front porch. After one last trip to the bathroom, and one more Poffin, the two were ready.

Both Connor and his mother had silently agreed to make their good-bye a quick one, and without much time lost, Connor was riding down the driveway, and then the street. He was free, and the world was his. Who knows what adventures Sinnoh would hold in store for him? Whatever they were, he intended to find out.

He had no thoughts on his mind other than getting to Route 202 and becoming the best Pokemon trainer of all time, until he rode past the Sandgem Pokemon Lab.
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Last edited by Llama Commando; 02-01-2008 at 12:40 AM.
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  #2  
Old 01-28-2008, 11:47 PM
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Default Re: Sights Set on Jubilife!

Chapter 1 Continued

“Oh crap, I forgot about Rowan!” Connor said aloud as he rode to the other side of the street, and then back the way he had come to the lab. He locked up his bike in the rack beside the building, walked up to the sliding doors, and entered Professor Rowan’s Pokemon Laboratory.

It didn’t take Connor long to find Gordon Rowan, considering the lab was much smaller than it appeared from the outside, and he was sitting on a couch just to the right of the door.

“Ah, Connor.” Rowan said, “Please, sit down.” The man (who looked much younger in better lighting) motioned to the open spot on his side, which Connor took. “Now, I assume you expect some long-winded explanation of a simple errand from a crazy old man. However, that is not the case. I intend only to give you the basic information you need, and then set you off.”

“Great.” Connor said, eager to get going, “I’m all ears!”

From his pocket, old Mr. Rowan procured a map of Jubilife City. Pointing and circling a small dot in the southeast corner of town, Rowan made clear, “This is the home of Mr. Thompson. If for any reason you cannot locate it exactly from this map, you’ll be able to recognize it by the large lawn filled with Pokemon statues. The man is quite an art collector.” After handing Connor the map and making sure it was tucked away safely, he confided in a whisper, “Stan has left a key to the house behind the ear of the Sneasel statue. Use it only to get in, lock the door when you leave, and place it where you found it. Is that understood?”

“Yes, sir.” Connor replied, wondering why Mr. Rowan sounded so grave and secretive. “That is understood.”

Gordon Rowan smiled, “Fantastic. I have alerted the Jubilife Pokemon Center that you will be sending me a parcel. It should get here minutes after you send it.” Mr. Rowan then seemed satisfied and stood up so as to began to examine a cross-section of an Electrike on the wall. Taking this as a sign that he could leave, Connor got up.

“Oh, don’t think I’m done with you quite yet, Connor.” Gordon said without taking his eyes off the Electrike, “I have one more surprise in store for you before you head out. Please follow me.” Without another word, Gordon turned and briskly made his way to the back of the lab. Shrugging, Connor followed suit. They arrived at a door with a plaque that read Professor Rowan’s Office. Gordon opened the door wide and ushered Connor inside. He noted that the office was far larger than it appeared in the lab, and that many a poster and chart covered the wall so that the wall itself was not visible in most parts. So many things jumped out at Connor at once that he didn’t even notice the man sitting in the chair in front of him, the man who looked exactly like Gordon.

Connor, in fact, didn’t notice him until he suddenly stood, extending his arm out to Connor. He approached slowly, and shook his hand with the utmost respect, almost as if meeting the president.

“It’s an honor to meet someone of your importance and knowledge in the field of Pokemon,” Connor got out, angry at himself for how cheesy it sounded.

“Why thank you, it’s a pleasure to meet yourself.” Professor Rowan replied, a kind smile upon his face. “Please, sit down.” he added, gesturing to a chair in front of his desk.

Connor shakily took the seat, wondering what on Earth Gordon had gotten him into. He glanced over his shoulder to try to figure out what he was thinking, but the old man had vanished. Man, that guy creeps me out.

“Connor,” Rowan started. The resumption of speech made Connor jump. “Are you okay? I didn’t mean to—”

“No, no, it’s okay.” Connor assured him, angry at his own foolishness.

“Anyway, my father has told me all about this little ‘errand’, and after watching you myself for a while, I have deemed you worthy of this.”

As Rowan turned to pick up something, Connor angrily wondered to himself, My God, who all is watching me? Am I the star of an effing reality show?

However this thought was cut short when he noticed the bright red device professor now had in his hand.

“Is that a… a…Po—”

“Yes, indeed it is a Pokedex. By your amazed expression, I assume you know all about them and their functions, am I correct?”

Connor was stunned, the enormity of this event overwhelmed him. “Yes, we had to study Pokedexes in Trainer School, but only the richest or most elite trainers ever possessed them.”

“Yes, however you have shown tremendous promise, and I would like for you to fill out this Pokedex to the best of your abilities. I am too old, and have to much lab work, to fulfill this task on my own. And, not only is this the most recent prototype, with all sorts of features, you can always exchange it at any Pokemart for the newest model. How does that sound to you?”

Connor was so elated that he couldn’t even respond. Anyone watching this event would have thought he was choking, whilst he was actually just trying to formulate words in his state of emphatic jubilance.

“Does that mean you‘ll do it for me?” Rowan asked again, smiling a little at the boy’s gaiety.

With what seemed like an amazing amount of struggle, Connor managed to get out, “Sure.”

“Well then, now that that’s settled I guess you’re all set to head out. Remember to record data on every Pokemon you meet, and have fun traveling Sinnoh!”

Starting to get over his feeble state of amazement, he responded with merriment, “Yes, I absolutely will! Good-bye, and thank you!” With this and one last good-bye to Gordon, he was out and, finally, on his way.

He rode through town the happiest person in the world. Nothing would slow him down, for he was king with Squirtle and his Pokedex. Turning the last curve of Sandgem, the grassy Route 202 faced him. The world was his, and his for the taking. Boldly staring down the wilderness before him, he began his life as a Pokemon Trainer.

Not interested at all in wild Pokemon, Connor was just astounded at the fact that it was finally happening. He was living out the dream, riding through Route 202 with Squirtle on his side. However, he had never taken the time to find out how long the route actually was, and nightfall soon fell upon him.

“Crap, where am I going to sleep?” Deciding not to worry about that for the moment, he released Squirtle from his ball and decided to test out his new Pokedex. After explaining what had happened during Squirtle’s time in the Pokeball, he turned on the Pokedex. A loud beep resonated throughout the area, and the screen light up. Introducing itself as Dexter, the Pokedex then explained all of its features in detail and doing much more before letting Connor get down to business. After entering his Trainer ID Number, he was allowed complete access to the Dex. He pointed the contraption at his wide-eyed friend, and the electronic voice replied:

Squirtle; The Tiny Turtle Pokemon. It shelters itself in its shell, then strikes back with spouts of water at every opportunity.

“Well then,” Connor said, “They’ve obviously never met you. My Squirtle would never hide in his shell, isn’t that right?”

“Squirtle, Squirt Squirt!” Squirtle emphatically replied, a very proud tone to his voice.

“Yep, that’s my Squirtle all right.” Connor said proudly, “Let’s go make camp, buddy. Then we can hit the hay.” Without further ado, they set up Connor’s sleeping bag, made a fire pit, and relieved themselves. After a good meal, Connor recalled his companion and lay down in bed. However, his excitement about tomorrow and the rest of his training career plagued him by withdrawing the comfort of slumber.

Sometime at around midnight, still restless, Connor got up to stretch. However, he found himself looking right into a pair of glowing eyes. Both pairs of pupils stared at each other for a minute, neither moving.

“Oh my god, it’s a Pokemon!” Connor whispered to himself, ashamed somewhat that he had just realized this.

The mysterious eyes just stared.

Taking out his Pokedex, he prepared to have the mysterious oculars in front of him identified, but soon realized that he should have turned down the volume. In a voice that now seemed monumentally loud, Dexter began.

Noctowl, The Owl Pokemon. If it flips its head upside down, it’s a sign that it is involved in very complex thinking.

Connor quickly grabbed Squirtle’s Pokeball, expecting the precious and somewhat rare Pokemon to flee, but it just remained there, not making any movement or noise. Deciding not to let this opportunity slip away, even if it was pitch-black with his opponent being the only thing able to see, he sent out Squirtle. As the little blue Pokemon emerged, he once again prepared for a chase. And once again, the Noctowl just sat there, most likely wondering what the hell he was doing.

Whispering, he told Squirtle the plan. “Okay, this thing isn’t going to get scared easily. I want you to start off with a Skull Bash while he isn’t flying, and we’ll take it from there. However, it can pretty much see everything that’s happening so don’t bother trying to sneak up on it. Okay?”

“Squirtle!”

“Good let’s do this!”

As soon as Connor had backed away from Squirtle, he charged through the night to the branch Noctowl was perched on. Noctowl just looked at the oncoming turtle as he caught up to and rammed him. Thrown back several feet into the dark and ending at a tree with a loud thud, Noctowl just flew back up, hovering where he was, though some signs of damage were evident in the way he wobbled.

“Crap, this is going to be hard. Okay, now, his Defense is awful compared to his Special Defense, so let’s work on that. Give him an Aqua Tail!”

This time however, Noctowl felt like fighting back. As soon as Squirtle swung his tail at the owl, he flew into the air and used a Sky Attack on Squirtle, his body compressed into an aerodynamically helpful position. Obviously buffeted by the attack, Noctowl nonetheless flew back up, only to swoop back down for another hit.

Squirtle had been hurt by such a powerful attack, obviously, but having gotten in that Skull Bash made it seem fairly even. As the owl swooped down for another hit, Connor figured that this battle was going to have to be fought long-range.

“Squirtle, Hydro Pump!”

Immediately after the words had crossed his lips, high pressure water began to be visible in Squirtle’s mouth. He purposely waited until Noctowl was no more than a few feet away… and then did something very tricky that neither Connor or Noctowl saw coming.

Noctowl had planned on dodging Squirtle as soon as his mouth opened and attacking from the back. However, Squirtle realized this and held back the water as his mouth opened. He then ducked his head between his legs and nailed Noctowl in the face with a fully-charged Hydro Pump. The torrentof deep navy water rushed from Squirtle's mouth, the amount of pressure put on it astounding. Even with a high Special Defense stat, Noctowl was not able to fully withstand the brunt of a powerful Hydro Pump to the face from a Pokemon two feet in front of him.

Noctowl flew backwards, hitting a tree then landing on the ground with a resounding smack. Both Connor and Squirtle knew that Noctowl was hurt and wasn’t flying back up. However, the trick was to find it and deal it one more blow before capturing it. And with it being pitch black and with Noctowl having the ability to see where everything was and what it was doing, that was no easy task.

They cut bushes, jumped over impediments and ran all over the route. However, they were careful to keep it so that Noctowl was inside their searching parameters. They had scanned the entire area, gotten on their hands and knees, and even set random attacks hoping to hit it. However, Noctowl was very well hidden. At least until they started to head more towards their camp.

Suddenly, Squirtle just collapsed on the ground, grasping at his head as if he had a migraine.

“Squirtle! Let me help you!” Connor yelled as he hurriedly helped his friend recover his senses. It was only at this point that Connor realized this had been an Extrasensory attack. However, Squirtle was much more aware of his surroundings than Connor, and spotted the movement behind Connor’s sleeping bag right after he recovered. Without waiting to explain, he sent a gigantic torrent of water over Connor’s shoulder… and right into Noctowl. It was flattened by the attack, lying feebly on the ground behind the sleeping bag he desperately tried to escape, but he was too weak to move.

“Wow Squirtle, you’re ten times better at battling than me. I’m definitely going to make you some Poffins tomorrow, but now we’ve something bigger to deal with, wouldn’t you think?”

“Squirtle Squirt, Squirtle!” his victorious companion agreed. The two jogged over to the camp, and looked down at the Pokemon that had caused them so much trouble.

“Well Squirtle, I guess this is it.” Without another word he removed a Pokeball from his pack and tossed it silently at the sad creature at his feet. It was absorbed in crimson light, and the ball began to wobble.

It wobbled again.

And the again.

And then…


I know, edge-of-your-seat ending. Anyway, my first story is ready for grading!
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Last edited by Llama Commando; 02-01-2008 at 12:54 AM.
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Old 01-30-2008, 05:47 PM
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Default Re: Sights Set on Jubilife!

I've read it once, but I'll read it again.

Dibs on this. :3


EDIT:

Story/Introduction: This was OK, it was a pretty unoriginal plot, though it still seemed interesting. You used the whole "go on a journey" plot. So, Connor was a young boy, he was going to pick the festive and lively little Elekid as a starter, but when he want to the lab, he found a small neglected Squirtle. After seeing how it was hurt and alone, he had a sudden change of heart and picked Squirtle, that day they began training. It was alright, you should try to elaborate your plots more. If you be creative and think of movies and the anime plots, you could think of something magnificent. :D Remember, Noctowl was in the "hard" category. So this should have been a much more complex plot. I would suggest you use all of your creativity and something great will be your reward.

You didn't really describe Connor though, remember, in every introduction you need to tell us background information, as well as characteristics about the story and the characters that are in it. You should describe the setting, the mood and what Connor looked like. You should work on giving us the following things.
  • How?
  • When?
  • Why?
  • Where?
  • Who?

You managed to give a few of them, but that was really it. You should expand the plot by adding a side plot to it, not only will it give you length but it would make the story a lot more interesting. You should always try give the readers the 'hook', it's for stories that are interesting, and it will make the reader eager and eager to read more of your story.

Length: Nice, you got just around the middle, which is what all writers should aim for. ^_^ Just remember that you could of added a lot more to this by fleshing your story out with description and detail. It would have lengthened it up also if you had of added a side plot to give the reader the 'hook'. It's alright to go over the maximum too. Don't just finish a story when you've reached a certain amount of characters, as it will look rushed. Finish it when it's finished. And remember, it's quality, not quantity. :D

Spelling/Grammar: It seems you have a pretty good grasp at grammar. I didn't see too many mistakes from you. :D I seen some run on sentences here and there, and a few misplaces comma's. Just remember to always add the "é" to items like "Pokédex" and "Pokéball", as well as the word "Pokemon". Remember to run it through a spellcheck multiple times. Also, MS word doesn't catch some of the tricky commas, so you should scan over your story a couple of times, if you spot the mistake then your grammar would be improving.

Quote:
"Starly, go!" a boy yelled, as his freshly-thrown Pokeball
"Freshly-thrown" should just be "freshly town".

Quote:
It grew larger and clearer until the definitive form of a pudgy, little Starly was clear
"Pudgy" should be "Podgey" or maybe you were trying to say "Pidgey", I'm not sure, but "Pudgey" doesn't happen to be a word. :|

Quote:
As the sun set he had taken out a small
You shouldn't have that space between "sun set", so it should be "sunset".

Quote:
Mom's out tonight, I guess I might as well do some training the teenager thought to
"Mom's" should not have the apostrophe, typo. :/

There were a few more typos, but they weren't too direct. So I'm not going to bother pointing them out. ^_^

Detail/Description: This was a bit bare, there wern't too much description here. You have to point out everything and describe everything, weather it be the smells, sounds, feelings and general stuff. You should always describe people, for example. What color shirt did Connor have? Blue? You need to let us know about all of his feelings, his clothes, his personality and all of his characteristics. Was there a fragrance in the air? How about a stench? Or even something to let us know what he smelt. You could of had a delicious smell maybe? It adds more description to the story.

Feelings? You didn't really give much of this. When someone is having a conversation, you should always put a mood into the conversation, like an "angry" mood or something. I didn't really get the mood of this story though. Also, you gave some blant descriptions about sounds and colors, just a little dull though. Maybe you should look up or think of better adjectives. Instead of using 'red', use 'blood red', or 'crimson' or something like that.

You didn't really paint a picture overall here, you have to describe actions, feelings, sounds, smells and everything that needs it, like items and such.

Battle: This was good, you had nice move combos, and you were creative. Though I felt you could of used your surroundings to your advantage. Maybe Squirtle dodging Noctowl, the Noctowl knocking into a tree? You need to be creative with all that aswell. The battle was long enough too. :D I liked your imagination and creativity for the battle, nice job. You should describe the attacks aswell, for Hydro pump, you could have put;

"The small turtle like blue Pokémon took in a heavy deep breath, he then began filling himself with water, and unleashed it in a powerful manner."

Outcome: Your plot was unoriginal, your grammar was good, description was lacking, your battle was good, Noctowl not captured! Just flesh some detail in and you can have the bird. :D
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Last edited by pikahero2; 01-30-2008 at 07:08 PM.
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Old 01-30-2008, 09:47 PM
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Default Re: Sights Set on Jubilife!

Thanks for grading Pikahero. I'm in the process of adding more detail, and soon I hope to have that Noctowl. Whenever you fell it's good, go ahead and change it, since I have a bit to do and don't want to waste time adding any unnecessary details. I plan on adding some sort of twist to the next chapter, so it probably won't lack in that department. Well then, off to work!

-LC-
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Old 01-30-2008, 09:51 PM
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Default Re: Sights Set on Jubilife!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Llama Commando View Post
Thanks for grading Pikahero. I'm in the process of adding more detail, and soon I hope to have that Noctowl. Whenever you fell it's good, go ahead and change it, since I have a bit to do and don't want to waste time adding any unnecessary details. I plan on adding some sort of twist to the next chapter, so it probably won't lack in that department. Well then, off to work!

-LC-
Even a small bit more will do, just tell me when your done.
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Old 02-01-2008, 12:56 AM
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Default Re: Sights Set on Jubilife!

Okay, I've added some more detail and am ready for another grade! I didn't have the chance to change the e's to é's, but that doesn't seem like too big of a deal. I plan on making my next story much better, so stay tuned!

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Old 02-01-2008, 03:16 PM
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Default Re: Sights Set on Jubilife!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Llama Commando View Post
Okay, I've added some more detail and am ready for another grade! I didn't have the chance to change the e's to é's, but that doesn't seem like too big of a deal. I plan on making my next story much better, so stay tuned!

-LC-
It doesn't need a regrade. ^_^

Outcome: Alright, I can imagine everything in my head now, you've certainly pained a picture. Noctowl Caputured! :]
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