Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 Ľ Pokemon RPG's Ľ Pokemon Ultra RPG Ľ Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 01-30-2008, 09:07 PM
ChthonicAustrian's Avatar
ChthonicAustrian Offline
Elite Trainer
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 590
Default Gyarados! The Aqua/Magma Showdown Part 2!

~REQUIRES GRADING~

Desired Pokemon: Gyarados
Level: Complex
Required Characters: 30k-50k
Characters: 30,506+

The leather boots drummed through what felt like an endless hall, their steps synchronized as one, like the atrocious heartbeat of a racing monster, the rhythmic thumping echoing throughout the vein of a corridor. I scrunched my nose from the reek of the nauseating seaweed. We were, of course, now underwater, as Shelly had informed me.

I glanced at Shelly anxiously, her sea blue eyes held a steel-hard glare at the path ahead of us. Her mass of sunset-orange hair bounced with each stride her long legs took. Her tall form seemed to tower overhead of the Grunts behind her, giving her physical appearance as much power as her authority over Team Aqua.

Shelly lent me a few Pokéballs to contain Taurisan and Garisan, the Gible who had now become the newest addition to my small team. The corridor felt as if it had wrapped around the entire world, the painfully bright lights guiding our way stretched as far as the eye could see, and whenever I turned to look behind us, the crude glare of the Team Aqua Grunts would bore down on me as they would openly sneer.

I looked down at my Pokétch, it read half past noon, we’d started our walk at sunrise, which was shortly after six in the morning. I licked my lips nervously as I did calculations in my head. It took about two hours to walk eight or nine miles, multiplying that by three meant we had walked at least twenty or twenty-five miles.

My stomach growled loudly as we continued our walk, I blushed as Shelly looked down at me and grinned. “Don’t worry,” she reassured quietly, “we’re almost there. Archie dug this route out with nothing and nobody except him, all of his Pokémon, me, Sean, and Matts.”

We continued our walk silently, and after twenty minutes or so, the metallic silver ceiling overhead gave way into Plexiglas, where I watched with a dropped jaw at the large and rare deep sea Pokémon that drifted about lazily. Several of the Team Aqua Grunts muttered amongst themselves as Remoraid rushed by overhead, tailing after half a dozen or so Mantine. Something long and large caught my eye to my left side, but as I turned my head to look at the creature, only the whip of a large creamy white tail fin could be seen as it darted behind a rock. I shrugged nonchalantly, could have just been a Dewgong.

We finally came to a halt as a large pair of silver doors loomed before us. Shelly, Sean, and Matts stepped forward to a small control panel with a touch screen that protruded ever so slightly at the side of the door. It was so minute in comparison with the substantially sized doors, that one may have easily overlooked it if it hadn’t been for the three people strolling up to it confidently.

Matts’ bulky frame nearly blocked my view, but as I leaned forward I could see that each of them took their turns to hastily write something down, their signature, perhaps. After a moment of verification, each took turns once again to pull off their dark indigo gloves, and firmly press their outstretched hand onto the panel, where it momentarily flashed to identify each of their handprints.

Shelly stepped back as it finished her verification, and I stared at her with a furrowed brow, “What exactly is in there?”

She grinned mischievously, watching as Sean stepped back from the small control panel and Matts stepped forward. Her light hazel eyes twinkled cunningly, “Something that requires the signature and handprint of all three co-administrators.”

Her lips pulled back into a fiendish grin that seemed to mirror Archie’s wicked grin shortly before he deceived me into thinking she could join Team Aqua.

My stomach lurched uneasily, surely Shelly wasn’t as cruel to him to befriend me and then trap me? Maybe they just decided my bag would be an excuse to attack Team Magma, what if this is an enclosed prisoner cell? What if they brought me down here to think we were getting ready for war when they really just wanted to get me out of the way?

I reached my hand across my belt, ready to call forward Taurisan or Garisan as a great clicking noise sounded from somewhere deep within the room, and the doors jerked as they were slowly pried apart.

I gulped, my index finger brushing against the button of the Pokéball of Taurisan when I blinked in confusion. The doors revealed a pitch-black room, and I peered through the Plexiglas to see that the room we were going to enter wasn’t just a room… it was an underground mansion.

It looked like any other mansion, I soon realized, with large stone and metal frames keeping it from imploding deep within the pressure of deep sea. Lights within it flickered on, and I realized it must have even had windows. It towered before me, the darkness of deep sea prohibiting me from seeing the top of the towering mansion. It stretched out as far as the eye could see, and I realized that this was really a palace suit for a king.

A faint light dimmed somewhere deep within the room we faced, and it grew to reveal a breath-taking sight.

It looked like a grand lobby of a high-class hotel, or a bastion of the government. At this point, I thought to myself, Team Aqua practically is the government… A double set of velvet-carpeted staircases wrapped up to a balcony that loomed above us, where Archie stood with a malevolent grin as he stared down at us, his dark eyes glinting with a wolfish hunger, and his lips pulled back into the widest, most crooked smile I had ever seen.

Three golden chandelier hung above us, and tapestries well over thirty feet tall portrayed great Water-type Pokémon. The one that hung just behind Archie, which was easily the largest, was a faded tapestry portraying a great scene of the legendary Sea Basin Pokémon, Kyogre leaping gracefully into the air. Its form was arched as it hovered in mid-air above the foamy white sea beneath its great gray belly. Its mouth was parted slightly, revealing rows of pearly white, dagger-sharp teeth. The ruby markings across its body seemed to glow in the dark tapestry as its sun-like golden eyes flared deeply. Its lace-like tail grabbed at the wind in the picture, making the beast look far more terrifying.

I looked around the room in awe, barely comprehending the size of it, alone. There were two lamps in particular I liked, each on the sides of a large doorway that led into a short hallway, where an even larger room beyond could be seen with a great fireplace crackling quietly.

The lamps were a twin set, for they were both the same height and had the same design of a large, yet thin wave roaring upwards with a Western Gastrodon perched atop of the wave of the left lamp, and an Eastern Gastrodon perched atop the wave of the right lamp. As the enormous group of Grunts filed into the great room, I noticed that all one hundred or two hundred of the men and women could easily stand in the hall with at least an arm’s space between each of them.

“Team Aqua!” Archie roared from above, his arms spread wide and his face masking the malicious emotions he must have been feeling. I felt as if in awe staring up at him, his back to the great Kyogre tapestry and his arms wide, with a lust of power glint in his eyes, he looked like a god or a great king of sorts.

The room became deathly silent, as he slowly strode his way to the left staircase, speaking as he did so.

“Team Aqua,” he repeated, his voice no longer loud and bellowing, but softer and malicious, like a vengeful lover would say to the woman who had ruthlessly cheated on him. With a voice bleeding of vengeance and power.

“You all know who our sworn enemy is, by nature, by law, must Team Magma and Team Aqua feud. Like Seviper and Zangoose,” he grinned even more, “like a Glameow and Rattata. Guess who the Glameow is?”

A settle laughter rippled through the room, and I smiled softly, he seemed confident, surefire that we could bring Team Magma down. Shelly glanced about uneasily, and I was about to question what made her so nervous, when Archie’s voice sliced through the room like a Scyther’s blade to a flimsy leaf.

TEAM MAGMA,” he screamed, a vein bulged in his neck as he repeated the name with bitter ferocity, “Team Magma, you fools! Team Magma is the Glameow!

The room grew silent, and Shelly glanced over the heads of the Team Aqua Grunts, with a faint “told you so” look across her face.

Archie stood silent for a moment, his nostrils flaring viciously as he regained his breath. “They have this damned girl’s bag! They have the Red Orb! They have the Blue Orb!” He shouted again, his fists clenching the banister of the stairs with such intensity that his knuckles turned a soft shade of white. His eyes were blazing as he addressed the group of Team Aqua Grunts below, I dared to cast a sidelong glance at them, and saw painfully that many of them stared up at him with fear, their eyes wide and their mouths parted slightly. I sighed in sympathy of them. I realized many of them looked younger compared to Shelly or Sean, or Archie even, for that matter. Most of them probably weren’t even eighteen. Archie was leader, yes, but did he really have so much right to strike such fear in these people’s hearts?

I looked up at Archie, frowning openly at him. Was this how Shelly felt? I wondered, looking at her own dubious expression that I felt I must have been mimicking. Perhaps Shelly did feel like this, that she must be loyal to Team Aqua, but secretly doubted its leadership, that it could be improved, that these young members didn’t really need such shouting.

Or maybe they did? I’d grown up with little discipline, and look where I am, now. Spoiled, I thought to myself. I normally got any Pokémon I’d wanted as a child, and had scarcely been yelled at. Look where I stood now, so greedy and spoiled to the point where I’d called upon the help of an entire, malicious organization just to retrieve my bag? Yes, it may have had the Red Orb and Blue Orb within it, but I had been so greedy that I was the one who stole the Red Orb and Blue Orb for virtually no reason whatsoever, just to own them and be able to gloat about them.

I shook my head and pursed my lips at my own shame, it was my parents’ fault. It was their fault for not disciplining me, or telling me what’s right or wrong, for not saying ‘no’ my entire life.

I shook my head one last time and clenched my fists as I looked up at Archie. He knew what he was doing, I reassured myself, he knew how to handle all one hundred, or two hundred of these Grunts.

He knew what he was doing, even through the blindness of vengeance and rage.

At least, that’s what I’d always told myself.

-----

The bedrooms were exquisite.

There had been over fifty bedrooms, I found out. They were rather small, but they could still comfortably fit several hundred people. I was about to follow the groups of Team Aqua Grunts parting with one another to decide who was bunking with who that night, when Shelly tugged my arm and grinned.

“It’s your bag, missy.” She cooed, throwing her voice and wagging her finger as a mother would. “You’re the one who’s going to be staying with me where I can keep an eye on you.”

I laughed softly as I followed her, Sean, and Matts up the right flight of stairs, where they came to a halt silently, standing in front of Archie who looked down at the dispersing group of Grunts below, his head low and his shoulders sagging as a general might look as they watched their region be defeated at war.

“Archie, you need rest.” Shelly informed sternly, her lips thin and her complexion pale. I couldn’t understand what she was feeling, fear? Maybe she feared he would snap at her, I don’t see how she could have been angry at him, perhaps she felt that the young Grunts really didn’t need such a stern handling over them.

“No, I don’t.” He said, waving his hand dismissively, “Have you trained that Magikarp yet?”

“What Magikarp? Surely you can’t mean Han, he’s only just hatched.”

“Shelly,” he hissed through gritted teeth, “Han needs to be trained, we can’t go into war with a Magikarp. Do you have any idea how much more proficient we could be with two dozen or more Gyarados?”

“Much more, sir.” She replied through gritted teeth as well. What could be so tense between them?

“Then train that damned Magikarp!” Archie yelled, diverting the attention of many Team Aqua Grunts as they progressed through the many halls, exploring the mansion and finding any spare bedrooms.

Shelly jerked her head in what I imagined was a dismissive nod, and turned on her heel, beckoning for me as she briskly made her way down the flight of stairs.

“Shelly, what was-” I was about to ask, but she cut me short.

“Don’t talk,” she hissed, she remained silent for a second before turning to me, “Ash, just ignore what happened up there. We’re going to the gymnasium, surely you could train your Gible?”

I shrugged, still curious but not wishing to upset her, “Sure, I guess.”

We didn’t talk as we maneuvered our way through the palace. Shelly seemed to know this underground mansion like the back of her hand, for we easily found the gymnasium, and several other Grunts who had already made it there before us.

I had to duck as a lavender Crobat soared by over our heads, its four wings pounding the air mercilessly, making me shiver with fear after what happened with Team Magma’s Crobat. Three shaggy, black Mightyena tore at each other without any mercy, snapping and nipping at each other as they rolled amongst one another, gripping onto each other with their powerful jaws and scoring each other with their claws.

Shelly wordlessly pulled four Pokéballs from her belt and thrust them into the air. Four pillars of crimson light streaked down. A bulky, baby blue Walrein dove deep into the water, its yellowed ivory tusks glistened threateningly as its white mane was plastered down from the pool.

Another bulky blue Pokemon was revealed, its dark indigo fins flexing as it stretched, gaping its wide mouth into a yawn; Swampert. Its light blue underbelly convulsed as it turned, preparing to dive into the water. A blue fish-like Pokemon bobbed at the surface expectantly, the bulbous lightning-yellow orb atop its head gave off pulsating light as it dove and remerged to the surface continuously.

Lastly, sat a globular blue Pokemon I immediately identified as a Marill. I looked down at it curiously as Shelly turned to me.

“Let your Tauros run about and pick its own battles with other Pokemon. That’s what we do here in this gym, we let our Pokemon chose their fights, not us. However,” she stepped back a few feet as Marill followed her. “I’ll be wanting to battle your Gible,”

I nodded my head in acknowledgment, I sent out Taurisan and Garisan, and as Taurisan charged forward, shaking its great mane and stretching its limbs, I caught Garisan by the arm as she was about to head off and turned her to the Marill, who yawned and quivered its large ears.

“Garisan, ready for your first battle?” I asked nervously, looking down at the indigo Gible. Garisan gaped her mouth irritably at me, pulling her lips back and flashing her blood red maw and large teeth.

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’,” I thought uneasily, stepping back as Garisan stared off at the Marill with authentic interest.

“Ready, Ash?” Shelly warned, judging and identifying Garisan’s weaknesses, “Marill, Ice Beam!”

I gasped as the Marill failed to hesitate, it gaped its mouth wide and a frosty beam was fired towards Garisan, sending her back a great distance. A frosty wind buffeted me as Garisan was pushed behind me from the impact, staggering as she strained to rise to her feet.

“Garisan!” I thought, racking my mind of a Gible’s attack, “Uh… Go with a Dragon Claw attack!” I commanded.

Garisan lunged forward, her claws burning a hot fiery red as she sliced forward into the belly of the Marill. The Marill squealed and rocked on its feet, but it held its ground confidently.

“Marill, Ice Beam, again!” Shelly shrieked at the small blue Pokemon.

Marill parted its mouth once again, a frigid beam launching forward, streaking across and barreling right into Garisan’s chest. I heard the breath being pushed from Garisan as she was sent backwards again. She managed to land on her feet, but as the buffeting wind followed the attack, Garisan fell hard on her back, groaning softly.

I turned to run for Garisan, my thoughts clouded with worry.

That was when a deafening explosion tore apart the west wing of the mansion.

-----

~Archie’s Perspective

I stumbled forward, ignoring the greeting of naïve, young Team Aqua Grunts and continuous prodding of Sean and Matts behind me, asking if I was okay. Shelly had just left us, she looked as royally pissed as she always did. No matter, I would simply deal with her later.

We passed one of my favorite oil paintings; it portrayed a ship lost at sea, where the great waves were crested with white film and the ship was tilted at its side, tossed around at the great power of the sea. A great mass of jet black clouds were rolling in the side of the painting, a thin yellow slice had been painted into the painting, imitating the usually bold thunderbolts that would illuminate the entire sky.

I grinned as I saw the bottom left hand corner of the painting, where the sea could still be seen as calm and restful, the small spec only the size of a thumbnail that the painter had secretly painted, with the dim-witted people of Hoenn thinking it was the shore of a port that the ship had almost reached. I smiled to myself - only myself, several Team Aqua members, and the actual painter knew it was Kyogre.

I continued my stroll through the corridor, frowning openly at the lost Team Aqua Grunts who continued to aimlessly meander through the mansion like a river. Sean, Matts, and I reached my private study within a matter of minutes. It was truly extraordinary, the large circular room had an oak table perched on the far side, overlooking the great sea where several Pokemon swam past, aimlessly drifting around the underwater mansion.

I rushed forward at a brisk pace, planting my hand firmly and comfortingly on the desk, feeling my arm quiver in anticipation as I made my way around its large, polished surface and settled myself in the leather chair where I could face the door, or swivel backwards to stare off into the sea and lose myself with its wonder and power.

I looked out the gaping window proudly, I stared down at the coral reef that could be seen far down, nostalgia and excitement sweeping over me and I forced myself to get lost in the moment, remembering that memorable day I had seen a Manaphy tucked deep in the coral, staring up at me with wide eyes and a sorrowful expression. I imagine the construction of this underwater mansion destroyed its natural home. No matter, if the mass of coral that the Manaphy lived in was good enough for such a legendary Pokémon, than it was more than perfect for me.

I exhaled as I rested myself more comfortably in the chair, flitting mindlessly through the stack of papers on my desk. I picked up three sheets that had been paper clipped together - they were the profiles of Maxie’s own co-administrators. I grinned to myself at their own similarities to Shelly, Sean, and Matts. I read off the names of each one, studying their pictures - Courtney, Hank, and Tabitha were their names.

I then looked through more of their information; their blood type, Pokemon, history. I set the papers down after what must have been ten or fifteen minutes, and tilted back in my chair, resting my eyes.

“Archie!” Matts’ voice shouted as he ran inside, “It’s them! They’ve found-”

That was when a deafening explosion ripped through the east wing of my palace.
__________________


URPG Stats; Unavailable

Last edited by ChthonicAustrian; 02-15-2008 at 10:05 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-30-2008, 09:08 PM
ChthonicAustrian's Avatar
ChthonicAustrian Offline
Elite Trainer
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 590
Default Re: Gyarados! The Aqua/Magma Showdown Part 2!

~Ashley’s Perspective

“Shelly!” I screamed, the ground beneath us trembled and shook violently. Many people recalled their Pokémon as Taurisan ran up to me. I recalled him and Garisan, running up to Shelly as she recalled her own Pokemon.

Several people screamed as the quake increased, cracking a large, visible hole into the side of the mansion that faced the pool. Water was pouring in, sputtering out with great force as the hole increased, thrusting in great torrents of water at a vigorous pace.

“Evacuate!” Shelly screamed, gesturing for the Grunts to go through a door. I looked through one of the Plexiglas walls and saw that it was an escape capsule, large enough to fit fifty people in.

“Ashley,” She demanded, looking at me with a strong intense force, “Ashley, you need to get any Grunts in the hall, and tell them to come to the gymnasium. There are other escape pods across the mansion, one at the entrance, one in Archie’s office, and one on the farthest side of the mansion. Get as many Grunts evacuated as possible, this may be Team Magma. Go!”

I nodded quickly, rushing outside the gymnasium door, several Grunts were jogging around, asking each other questions about the continuous tremor and the explosion. “Hey!” I screamed, “Get in there! In that gym! Hurry, it’s Team Magma!” I quickly lied. I didn’t know if it was Team Magma for a fact, but I was not going to risk taking chances of them being skeptical of me.

Their eyes grew wide as they shouted to others farther down the hall. Good I thought to myself, at least they’re still acting like naïve teenagers who spread news like wildfire.

I ran forward, and found myself in the main hall. I ran up the stairs, taking two steps at a time as I raced down the hall, continuously screaming the news at the scattering Team Aqua Grunts.

I ran into Sean, who was about to yell at me, he recognized me, his mouth still hanging open. “Ashley,” he said, recognition sparked in his eyes, “Shelly? Have you seen Shelly?”

“Yes, she’s in the gymnasium,” I informed, “How many Grunts have you evacuated?”

“I don’t know,” he frowned, he screamed for two girls who were huddled closed to one another to go in the opposite direction they were heading, then turned to me again, “Archie and Matts have evacuated, now we just need to get out of here.”

“What about any other Grunts?” I demanded, bitter at his selfishness.

“We’re more important, they’ll find the escape pods. Ashley, come on, we need to go now!” He demanded, lunging for my arm.

I pulled my arm back and took several steps backwards, “No!” I shouted, fury boiling deep inside me. I wasn’t going to be selfish any longer, I wasn’t going to spoil myself in return for other’s neglect, “No! Sean we need to get as many people out as possible, or die trying,”

“Don’t be so damned stupid, Ashley!” He spat at me, fury boiling deep in his eyes. He had the facial expression of a Luxray defending its meal, his face was pulled back into a menacing snarl and his eyes glinted with a stubborn rage. He lunged for my arm, but before I could step back he had a vice-like grip across my wrist, so tight and painful that I shouted out in pain.

He dragged my forward with inhuman strength, yanking my arm hard as we progressed forward. I dug the heels of my feet deep into the carpet, but he continued to advance, and I soon found us facing a small metal doorway that was open wide, where Grunts were filing in.

He pushed me down, and shoved me forward, coming in behind me. He spread his arms to block my escape, digging his own feet deep into the hard, metal ground beneath us.

“No!” I screamed, “Let me go, there are people still out there!” I shouted at him, trying to push my way through him.

And indeed there were. There were Grunts running forward, spotting the escape capsule, but the capsule was exceeding the weight limit, as three more Grunts ahead of them pushed themselves in, I felt the capsule bob low, as Sean maneuvered his way through the dark capsule and struck some of the buttons that emitted a soft glow.

The doors clanked shut, and the small ball we sat silently in bobbed lower, it was still for a second, then several people screamed as it seemed to have been shot forth like a torpedo. I felt myself being pressed hard against the ground as we rose forward, faster… higher…

We lurched forward as the capsule broke the surface, the metal surface being pulled back automatically as the pressure was relieved, revealing the Plexiglas surrounding. I spotted several other capsule-balls rocket high into the air, at least six feet and the metallic surface of them retracted as well. The capsules were indeed large, as I spotted fifty or sixty people crammed tightly in each of them.

We sat silently for a moment as Sean maneuvered his way forward again, pushing the buttons hard for a few seconds, then the door clanked again, and was thrown back. Immediately, people began to push their way forward, climbing over one another and dropping into the sea below.

I was one of the last to leave, looking out on the horizon I spotted at least a dozen helicopters flying off at mad speed. I narrowed my eyes and saw their dark reddish brown surface gleaming in the light. Team Magma.

Sean reached his hand over to help me out of the bobbing capsule, and I was about to bitterly lunge at his hand, I heard a deep growling far beneath me.

“Did you hear that?” I asked curiously, straining my ears for the noise again. I heard it, and it was louder.

He remained silent for a moment, lowering his arm, and narrowed his eyes. The growling deepened into a deafening roar, and I felt the side of the capsule lurch just as it did earlier, a great wave crashing down on the open door, forcing water deep into the capsule. I looked around frantically, I was the last one in it, and the other Team Aqua members had been pushed farther away from the wave.

I sat up frantically, my clothes growing soggy in the foot of water I sat in, I placed my fingers against the Plexiglas nervously, the salty seawater and my fingertips smudging the glass.

“Ashley!” I heard someone scream out at me, I looked over behind me, and saw Sean swimming briskly towards me. He stopped mid-paddle, and stared up ahead of me. I followed his gaze and looked up. I gasped, and threw myself back at the opposite side of the capsule, making it nearly capsize from impact.

Glowering over me, with blue scales that shone in the sunset’s burning light, and hot, fiery scarlet red eyes, was one of the most vicious Pokémon I have ever seen. With its gaping mouth of grisly, pearly white teeth that flashed threateningly, and its great pink maw, was a Gyarados.

Fury blazed in its eyes, as it widened its mouth and lunged down at me. With a scream trapped in my throat, I reflexively threw my hands up as a pathetic shield, then felt the wave crash down on me, filling the capsule with even more water.

From my sitting position, the water was now up to my chest, so I sat up on my knees, looking down helplessly through the water to find the Atrocious Pokémon. I frantically scanned the turquoise sea water below me, my eyes wide in fear. I heard someone shout, and instantly a great wave of ice, snow, and sleet washed over the surface of the sea, freezing it solid.

I looked over, Shelly was swimming fast towards me, she wasn’t alone however - she was atop the back of a charging Lapras, who’s mouth gaped wide as it froze the sea water with a film-like ice, covering it with slushy snow.

I pushed myself up, reaching for the door I crawled out on the slushy snow that crunched beneath my hands and knees. I stood up uneasily on the ice, taking one careful, slow step at a time. After half a dozen steps or so, I heard the growling again. My breath was trapped in my chest, as I frantically tried to run across the surface. My foot slid out from underneath me, and I came crashing down on the frigid snow and ice beneath me.

Before I could draw one harsh breath, I heard a loud crack in the ice, and spun on my stomach to look around at the choppy green-blue water. All was silent for a moment, and that was when the Gyarados tore through the patch of ice, sending me flying through the air, and plummeting into the water below.

-----

~Shelly’s Perspective

“Ash!” I shouted, standing on my Lapras I grabbed a hold of her neck reassuringly as she continued to speed forward.

“Blizzard!” I demanded, as we continued forward, Lapras opened her mouth wide, bellowing a great mass of snow and razor-sharp shards of ice at the Gyarados. The Atrocious Pokémon screamed out in pain as the ice scored its exposed underbelly, but it continued to thrash about. I looked around for any sign of Ashley, and gasped in relief as I saw her head bob up several feet away from the Gyarados, sputtering and choking out mouthfuls of water.

“Ash!” I repeated, I tilted to my left side, steering Lapras towards Ashley, who looked up at me and waved her arm hysterically. We charged forward, the wind lifting my hair from my back and watering my eyes with its salty tang. I bent low and stretched my arm wide, as we skid past, I grabbed hold of Ashley’s forearm, and dragged her alongside Lapras. Lapras slowed down to a near halt so I could hoist Ashley’s bedraggled, sopping wet body onto Lapras’ back, but once she had hold of one of the large ridges, we were off at a deafening speed once again.

The Gyarados loomed forward, a bellowing hiss rising deep from its throat in a ghastly, threatening manner. The great Pokemon reared its head back and bellowed out in fury and rage, its crimson eyes blazing with deep, fiery intensity in the heat of the battle. With a fierce whip of its great, burly head, it dove deep beneath the surface, the wave rippling from where the great serpent had loomed ahead of us seemed to shake the world, and I could feel Lapras tremor from the impact of the waves beneath he hardy, iron-gray shell.

The sea was still for a heart-skipping moment, leaving me on edge with my heartbeat racing in my throat for such a wild moment, that I felt the urge to lean down and look beneath the surface for the great serpent. Lapras moaned out with the same anxious state that I felt, her head swayed from side to side and her sky blue head scanned over the inky blue water surface. I couldn’t help but utter a yelp in horror as an immense wave sent us rocketing forward, I reached back and managed to clasp over Ash’s waterlogged wrist, holding her in a tight grip as I plummeted forward, Lapras had her head lowered from the impact, and without anything to grab onto, I was sent forward into the icy water.

I managed to gasp for a short breath before I was sent plunging deep beneath the surface, the furious cries and wails of the Gyarados drowned out to faint moans in the deafening water below. My eyes burned in the saltwater, stinging as I shut them tight and aimlessly flailed about underwater, I felt cold air bite at my hand as I reached upwards, and pushed myself up slowly, being dragged down by Ashley’s dead weight. I felt my lungs burn in pain of holding in the precious air, and gasped slightly, the salty tang of the water bitter against my tongue. I mustered all my strength, and kicked hard underwater, dragging Ashley and myself upwards.

My head broke the surface, and I gasped and sputtered for air. Lapras cried out as I looked about wildly, finding my Water- and Ice-type Pokémon charging forward at the Atrocious Pokémon, who now had its wide mouth gaping wide as an intense, blinding white beam scored the air, penetrating deep into the surface as great waves rose up like a deathly trail from the line the Gyarados was slicing through the surface as it rocketed its head to and fro.

Lapras opened her own mouth wide, an icy beam lurched forward in a single blast as it sliced through the air and made contact with the Gyarados’ head, causing it to close its mouth suddenly, shaking violently as it lunged wildly for Lapras, diving and remerging from the surface in a fervent manner. Lapras circled around the beast, spotting me and Ashley - who had now started to come to - and charged forward, swerving as the Gyarados continued to thrash about.

Lapras slowed enough for me to throw Ashley across her back, and barely manage to pull myself up by grasping one of the ridges along her back, holding tight as she shot forward suddenly, for the Gyarados had just shot upwards from underwater. I panted for breath as the cold air felt bitter and icy against my wet face and hair that weighed down uncomfortably on my back.

I turned around and spotted the Gyarados skimming across the surface at a break-neck pace, slowly rising its head upward and gaping its mouth as a bright energy formed from deep in its grisly mouth. My eyes widened in fear and panic, as I knew that a Hyper Beam was coming our way. I stood up on shaky legs, clinging Lapras’ neck fearfully as I racked my mind for ideas. Suddenly, a thought struck me like an arrow to prey, and I managed to gasp for a deep breath as I prepared for Lapras’ command.


“Lapras! Go for Sing!” I shouted, cupping my hands over my ears as Lapras gaped its mouth wide, and began to emit a crystal clear song from deep in its throat. I looked back, and felt mildly relieved to see that Ashley had cupped her hands over her ears as well. And looked forward to see the eyelids of the great Atrocious Pokémon drift soundly, its mouth closed as it slumped forward over the capsule that Ashley had emerged from, sending a great wave that nearly knocked Ashley and I off Lapras.

I was about to reach for my belt, hoping to catch this great Pokémon, but before I could close my fingers around one of the vacant Pokéballs at my belt, a scarlet red and white ball shot past from behind me, I turned with wild eyes to see Ashley with an outstretched arm, leaning over on Lapras for a clear look of the Pokémon that had so recently terrorized her senseless.

I stared off at the Gyarados, who was now grunting out deep snores, and watched with wide eyes as the ball sprung open upon contact with the Atrocious Pokémon’s head, enveloping the large creature with a deep crimson red light. We sped forward to where the Pokéball had fallen into the water. As we approached the buoyant sphere, we could only just barely make out that it was wiggling on its own, the deep red light of the button flashing as it was pushed against the waves.

The light flashed one time…

And then it flashed another time…
__________________


URPG Stats; Unavailable

Last edited by ChthonicAustrian; 02-15-2008 at 10:02 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-30-2008, 09:08 PM
pikahero2's Avatar
pikahero2 Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: ...Pedophile
Posts: 2,876
Send a message via AIM to pikahero2 Send a message via MSN to pikahero2
Default Re: Gyarados! The Aqua/Magma Showdown Part 2!

Dibs like I said. :D
__________________

| Vote me and PyreTheTorchic in MoTM when it comes. :3 |

[\ Pokťmon Frenzy -URPG - VPP Stats - PyreXRyan - /]
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 02-08-2008, 05:34 PM
ChthonicAustrian's Avatar
ChthonicAustrian Offline
Elite Trainer
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 590
Default Re: Gyarados! The Aqua/Magma Showdown Part 2!

Reposting for the sake of the grade, and there has been a change of plans, Kat will be grading, to my knowledge.
__________________


URPG Stats; Unavailable

Last edited by ChthonicAustrian; 02-13-2008 at 06:51 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 02-15-2008, 09:14 PM
Phantom Kat's Avatar
Phantom Kat Offline
°Con ganas!
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: In my strretchy pants
Posts: 5,018
Send a message via AIM to Phantom Kat Send a message via MSN to Phantom Kat
Default Re: Gyarados! The Aqua/Magma Showdown Part 2!

Sorry Iím late, was sick and my brother kicked me off the comp last night as I was typing this up. ._.;

Plot: Ashley has come to Team Aquaís secret base after her bag with the Red and Blue Orbs was stolen by Team Magma. There, she begins to discovers that even though she thinks Archie is being too harsh with his words and actions, she was not disciplined enough as a child and this might have caused the whole mess in the first place. As she and Shelly are training in the gymnasium, the west (or east?) wing explodes and they immediate evacuate via escape pods. Even though Sean is telling her that they should go, Ashley remains intent on saving as many people as she can or die trying. Sean does not agree with this and forcefully drags her to the pod. When they reach the surface, Ashley is the last one in the pod when a Gyarados attacks. She almost drowns but is saved by Shelly and her Lapras who with one Blizzard and Sing, make quick work of the Water type.

I really liked it. Even though this was a second a part, I didnít feel lost about the characters nor about the overall object. We see a turnaround in her character from the first story from a girl who only wants the Orbs because they are treasures to someone who actually starts thinking about others. Another thing that I liked about the story was that the characters were unique or in other words, not like others I have read. I can really tell that Archie and Shelly have something going on between them and even though Ashley has befriended the co-admits, they are still Team Aqua members and act like it.

Intro: Ashley and Shelly have reached the Team Aqua base where Archie informs them how Team Magma have the upper hand now that they have the both the Red and Blue Orbs.

Well, you didnít really need an intro since this is a continuation. Remember, though, if a story is a continuation of another or a sequel of another, itís always good to put a little summary before the story begins in case the grader who graded the last part forgot the main points or a different grader grades the story. Nothing long or extremely detailed but enough to allow us to know the characters and their personalities, the plot, and other important stuff that will continue in the story.

Grammar/Spelling: I didnít see anything major here, maybe a typo here or there but youíve got this section down pretty well.

Quote:
With a voice bleeding of vengeance and power.
This is a fragment and even though youíre adding emphasis to Archieís tone of voice, it would be better if you connect this with a colon to the previous sentence or elaborate on it.

Quote:
That was when a deafening explosion tore apart the west wing of the mansion.
Quote:
That was when a deafening explosion ripped through the east wing of my palace.
So which one was it: east wing or west wing? Make sure you catch small typos like that.

Quote:
I sauntered forward at a brisk pace,
ďSaunterĒ is a slow walk while ďbriskĒ is fast and quick so the wording is contradicting itself here. ^^;

Length: Barely 30K so nice going. Remember that itís always good to aim for the middle even though itís Quality > Quantity and you can do this by elaborating on the plot and on the description.

Decription/Detail: This was very good, I could see everything as it was happening from the actions of the characters to the expressions of both Pokemon and humans. You described the Pokemon pretty well and not in a list of sorts.

However, I felt that you lacked description about the people themselves for I couldnít really imagine Shelly, Ashley, Sean, and Archie. Iím positive you described all of them in the first part of the story but even if you did that, you still need to describe them as you go.

Another thing I would like to say is that after you got to the surface, you did not describe your surroundings as good as I would have liked. Weíve entered a whole new scene so itís only right that you would stop the story for a small while and tell the reader how this new scene looks like. Was there smoke rising into the sky or was the water littered with Aqua grunts swimming for their lives? What about the sky? Sunny and clear or gray and dismal as though it will rain any second? Even though Ashley and the others are in a state of panic and confusion, we still want to know exactly where they are.

Battle: This was the spot in where you let me down.

Gyarados is a strong Pokemon (it wouldnít be in the Complex category if it wasnít) known for its temper and great power, I donít think two attack would take it down right off the bat. Even though the Blizzard was super effective against him, he could have still fought back with a Hyper Beam or a Hydro Pump. Also, with them being in the sea, Gyarados could have dived down and attack from beneath, something Lapras would be incapable to do with a trainer and a half-drowned girl.

Really, the battle disappointed me. It was well described but it was far too short, four attack from either side is a good match for a Complex Pokemon. Make it long, two-sided, and exciting; make the reader read more to see who would win. The battle is the last statement, the conclusion of your story, you really want to end it up a bang. The fact that Lapras has two rides can make things exciting and suspenseful

Outcome: The plot was really thought out and lack of grammar mistakes made this story easy to read. The description was lively and the characters believable, as well. The battle, Iím afraid, let me down and I KNOW you can do better than a simple Blizzard and Sing attack and Gyarados deserves more of a chance. So, until then, Gyarados not captured! Just add more to the battle, maybe about three attacks from each side, really make it exciting and the serpent will be yours. PM me for a re-grade when youíre ready. =)

- Kat
__________________

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 02-15-2008, 10:51 PM
Phantom Kat's Avatar
Phantom Kat Offline
°Con ganas!
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: In my strretchy pants
Posts: 5,018
Send a message via AIM to Phantom Kat Send a message via MSN to Phantom Kat
Default Re: Gyarados! The Aqua/Magma Showdown Part 2!

Wow, those paragraphs just made the ending so much better. You really made Gyarados seem angrier and furious and you made him use the water all around him to his advatage.

Let me point out some things I forgot to mention before:

- You described Gyarados as the "Atrocious Pokemon" numerous times and it seemed to get repetetive. Use other words of descriptions like "the sapphire dragon" or "the scale-covered menece".

- If you call a Pokemon "it" in one paragraph and "her" in another, either give it a gender or not. Also, it's better if you either give all the Pokemon in your story genders (except for the ones that don't have one, of course) or leave them all as "it", no combination of both.

So yeah, just remember to use as many attacks as you can in a battle. Pokemon have movepools for a reason, use as many as them as you can with werid and unpredictable combinations. Gyarados captured!

Also, don't forget to write a short summary of the past events for you next story in case you get a different grader. ;)

- Kat
__________________

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:57 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com