I am so, so, so, so SO
sorry for the wait! Hope the grade makes up for it! *Hopeful smile*
A girl named Molly is eating in a fancy restaurant in Vermillion City. After completing her meal and complimenting the waiter, she discovers that she has no money to pay the waiter with. Embarrassed and shocked, she turns down the waiter’s demands for her precious Soothe Bell (which she is saving to evolve her Togepi), leading her to have to work at the restaurant to earn the money back. She meets a random boy named Blue, who helps her work.
After she had finished working for the night, she ran into a randomly placed Sandshrew outside. She quickly runs out and battles the Sandshrew, in hopes of catching it.
All in all, it’s a pretty decent plot for a simple level Pokemon, such as Sandshrew. It wasn’t the most boring plot around - yet it wasn’t the most exiting, either. You never told the reader about the harshness of the place, and the way that Molly reacted to the situation. Obviously, she was incredibly embarrassed, but also a little frustrated at the owner for making her work. Her reaction could be different, according to her type of personality. I’ll delve deeper into this ‘personality’ thing later, but for now, just be aware that the plot was a little lacking in some spots.
The fact that the random boy came and helped her work was a little.. Well, random! I would have liked it if you had delved into his personality more, as it seemed like you just placed him in there as a cheap filler of the story.
However, for a simple level Pokemon, it was fine. Creative, for the most part - however, you could have explained why exactly Molly didn’t have any money, as you had commented just before that that her hair was ‘beautifully done’ which could imply, ‘expensively done’. A little more detail would have been nice.
I don’t want to sound harsh, as I have said, the plot was fine for Sandshrew. I’m just giving you these tips for future story writing, as plot holes like those need to be filled.
It was fine, for the most part. It gave me a clear understanding of the situation (except the strange confusing rich/poor scenario). However, the description was to bare minimum and the first paragraph was just too clumped together. The first paragraph could have been split into at least 2 paragraphs, if you were willing to add in more description to make it more interesting - painting a clear picture for the reader.
You introduced the fact that Molly was visiting Vermillion City, and I was waiting for a more thorough explanation - but it never came. Try not to leave plot holes such as this one, as I was left confused as to why she was only a visitor. Make sure to explain all things like this thoroughly.
The who/what/when/where .. Etc was fine, except for the ‘why’. Why was she in Vermillion? Why didn’t she have enough money? Etcetera, etcetera. Molly also didn’t have a distinctive personality. The boy, Blue, has a large one; hyperactive and lively. However, Molly doesn’t seem to have one at all. Is she intelligent? Is she hyperactive, like Blue? Or is she sarcastic and cold? Does she have a caring nature? I was left wondering this as I read the story.
I don’t mean to sound harsh, because it was fine - for a simple Pokemon. But these are all the things that you should be aware of.
The story was roughly 6.5 K. Sandshrew, being a simple Pokemon, requires 5 - 10 thousand characters, so you just scraped the minimum. I would suggest aiming for around the middle, as it will help secure the capture. 7 - 8 K would have been nice, not that 6 isn’t sufficient.
My greatest pet peeve was cut short this time. Your story’s grammar was, overall, pretty good. ^_^. However, you didn’t have a lot of complex or complicated sentences which would require well-learnt grammar. Many of them were short and sharp, which is okay for many sentences.. But can be irritating for the reader, who is left wanting more out of the story.
I’ll delve more into that in description, but for now, here are your main grammar errors.
She was obviously looking for something important. Then she looked up ,embarrassed, at the now angry waiter. It seems that I cannot find any cash in this –“
You didn’t put the first speech mark when Molly spoke. There should be a speech mark before ‘it’, am I correct. Actually, so the paragraph is more flowing, it would have been better off as a whole new paragraph.
‘She was obviously looking for something important. Then she looked up, embarrassed, at the now angry waiter.
It seems that I cannot find any cash in this -” ‘
“Oops.” She said, giggling because all of the workers came out from where they were to see what was happening.
The most common speech error in the book, and almost every story contains it. When the speech is over and done with, there is a comma
before the speech mark, followed by the character speaking. It is still in the same sentence, so the ‘she’ shouldn’t have a capital ‘s’, either.
Throughout all your story you had a full stop at the end of speech, which was fine, because in every instance you didn’t have a character directly saying it, they would be doing something, or such.
You’re going to be cleaning dishes for the rest of the day.” The waiter was walking away as he said this to Molly.
In that instance, the full stop is okay, but not when the character directly says it after. ^_^
The most skilled chef in this town prepared this for you! And you can’t rummage up a lousy 1000 dollars?
Two errors in this sentence. For one, never, under any circumstances, start a sentence with the word ‘and’. ‘And’ is a joining word, used to join sentences together, not to start them.
Secondly, you put ‘1000’ dollars. Technically, the correct way to spell that number is either ‘1 000’ with the space, or ‘1,000’. The best way, however, is probably to say ‘one thousand dollars’ as you put ‘dollars’ but put a number before it. This is quite odd, and a strange combination of number/words.
The sentence should really be:
The most skilled chef in this town prepared this for you and you can’t rummage up a lousy one thousand dollars?
That’s about it for the grammar that really needed attention. There were big grammar issues in your battle, but I’ll talk to you about that in the battle section. Like I said, your grammar was fine, but many sentences were lacking in interest and complexity, so they didn’t demand excellent grammar.
Sorry to say, but half of your story was simply dialogue. Your description was to a bare minimum, and you only described certain things when you felt the situation really deserved it. You didn’t describe anything along the way, you didn’t even describe the waiter’s appearance! I pictured him as a high class, tuxedo wearing waiter with a snobbish air, but was that how you wanted to portray him?
You even failed to describe the actual restaurant. Obviously it was a high class one, as the bill was so ridiculously expensive. I would have liked to see more of the restaurant, and what exactly made it so high class.
When describing the kitchen, it was definitely your high point. Which is kind of disappointing, as it wasn’t very flowing and nice. However, you did describe it very well, and it was able to paint a clear picture in my head, it just was thrust infront of my face, that’s all. Try to make it more flowing, gradually being described with the character’s reactions to the room around her. A lot of your sentences were straight forward, not complex or flowing. Here is an example.
With each dish she washed it seemed that a new one came in. The next thing she knew the sky was black; it was night. She went over to Blue.
That’s all you described about Molly working there. That one sentence about the dishes. That’s disappointing, as she was anticipating it sadly, thinking it would be horrible; and then, it was just that. I would like to see you describe more about her working, how she felt, etc etc.
So, with description, for a simple Pokemon, it was not so good. Although it is only your second story, the lack of description for Molly’s work brought you down. If you just describe her working, your grade will definitely shoot up!
The length was fine for a Sandshrew, and so were the descriptions. Definitely the high light of your story. I loved how you described the Elekid trying to use thunder, and Molly realising that electric attacks didn’t work against ground Pokemon - good work! I was a little afraid that Sandshrew would be hurt by it, forgetting the electricity/ground rule. :P, but it was all good!
The battle’s attacks were described really well, but it was all clumped together in one paragraph! Everything that Molly says should have been separated into a paragraph of its own, and each attack should have been, also! So many things happened in the battle, and yet, it was only 2 paragraphs! It’s a jumble to read, and kind of disappointing, as it makes the battle look short. The battle was
a little short. The Sandshrew was taken down by a swift and a water gun! And your Elekid took only 1 shot, and fainted! That was a little unrealistic, and even though a water gun is powerful against Sandshrew, it still could have taken one more move.
I see that you tried to make it 2 sided (to the point of being unrealistic), so I applaud you for that, but it just came off as being short and unrealistic. The entire battle’s strategy and thought behind it won it for me, however, as it was quite creative. The trial and error part of the electricity and ground was good, and I liked how the metronome worked in Togepi’s favour. However, it would have been so much better if the Togepi had done metronome maybe twice, with the first time being a hopelessly bad move that was not in Togepi’s favour. That happens to everyone! :]
Although the description was seriously lacking and the introduction was, too, I must say that I liked the overall concept of the plot and the battle. I want you to know that this was really, really
on the edge of being a failed capture, and I expect a little better next time. However, the fact that it is your second story, the battle and the fact that I feel a little guilty from making you wait so long (
), I guess this one can slide. Sandshrew Captured