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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 02-04-2008, 03:27 AM
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Default The Itsy Bitsy Spinarak

Yay! My first story.
_____________________________________

Everything was quiet on Route 203. Dusk had just fallen, and the silent moon shone down on the swaying foliage of the forest. It's shimmering spirit seemed to calm all of it's observers, filling them with a serenity that only the moon can. Trainers blocking the path with their violent challenges had settled for the night, and the free pokemon had all of the time in the world, it seemed, to frolick merrily about. A light breeze picked up from the Northwest, filling the air with a wonderfully sweet aroma. Soon, the area was scented as if a part of Floaroma Town had sprang gracefully into the sparkling night sky and descended upon the route. If the dirt could have been seen, one would think it was just as beautiful along with the scenery.

It had been a terrible night for Matt. He and his partner had been walking through the same scenery for three hours. It was pretty at first, but beautiful things like that often get old fast. 'Walking was boring' was the only thought that crossed through his mind as he meandered through the dense trees and tall grass. The smell also sickened him. It had nothing to do with his personality or anything, but Matt had a terrible allergy to those dreadful Floaroma flowers. He cringed suddenly as he stubbed his large toe on a poorly hidden rock. Gritting his teeth, he continued forward with a slight limp. A quiet snicker sounded behind him. Goza mused at his trainer's clumsy trek. Of course, he himself was not that graceful either, but it's always more fun to snicker at other's pain then your own.

"Oh, is that right, Mr. Smartypants!" Matt snapped, bringing Goza's attention abruptly back to their misery. "Well, you are just lucky; you don't have toes!" The blue and green whismur grinned at his trainer playfully. In one hop, he sprang onto Matt's shoulder. However, he overshot and ended up doing a face plant into the glimmering blades of grass. Goza slowly pulled himself up. Nothing was hurt but his pride, and was a little aware of the mockery he was owed. Curse that karma! But instead of laughing at him, Matt simply picked his embarassed pokemon up and replaced him on his shoulder.

"Are you alright?" Matt's voice rang, dipped in a tone of concern. The whismur simply nodded. However, it soon came to the attention that there was a smudge of dirt on his face that resembled a moustache. Immediately, trainer and pokemon simaultaneously began laughing at the facial dirt. Laughing with a friend is always a good way to lighten up an evening journey.

After about another twenty minutes, the rigid columns of bark and leaf parted, revealing a mountain side path straight into the alluminated town of Oreburgh. Matt sank to his knees in a joy and relief that was almost pathetic. Goza was not so moved that he was immobile, however. In a flash of seemingly impossible speed, the whismur was halfway down the mountain to what he knew well, was a soft bed and possibly some cheesy snacks of goodness.

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Matt tiredly limped into the near empty Pokemon Center. The trip had been a lot longer than he had expected. however, that would not deter his quest for another pokemon tomorrow. He had thought about catching one on the way to Oreburgh, but he didn't want to desturb the free time of the pokemon during the night. It also would have been a lot harder to get to his destination if Goza was worn out. Goza gets irritable easily when he gets worn out. Matt shuddered at the thought of it. Lost in thought, he almost didn't notice Nurse Joy greeting him.

"Hello, and welcome to the Pokemon Center. How can I help you?" she smiled happily.

"Hi, I just need a room for the night, please," Matt requested timidly. He hated having to ask people for things. Why should she give him a room? She didn't owe him anything.

But of course, no one ever did. "Sure, just follow me!" she responded merrily and walked briskly down the hallway. Matt made to follow her, but remembered he had to grab Goza. He searched the main room quickly, and found him attached to the vending machine. After much pulling, he was able to separate the whismur without harm.

"Nooooooo! I! Must! Have! Cheese Puffs!" he responded in anguish, but of course his trainer could not identify the words he squealed.

Quickly walking the hallway, Matt found his room and prepared for a few hours of sleep. Matt changed out of his camo cargo pants and green jacket, and pulled on a new black T shirt. He needed his rest if he were to catch a new pokemon that next day. The same went for Goza. After safely returning him to his pokeball, which was only for sleep, he climbed into his soft, feather sheets. How long has it been, that he has been sleeping on the ground? While it had only been a few days, it felt like a month to the exausted thirteen year old. After laying awake for a couple minutes, Matt drifted off to sleep, dreaming about what kind of pokemon he would catch.

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Matt emerged from his room, completely alert and ready to go, though Goza was a little more unsteady. The whismur yawned, wiping the sleep from his eyes. The two had already packed up their things into Matt's dark green pack, and were just about ready to leave. Matt waved good bye to Nurse Joy and heade out the door, but was stopped in his tracks by the sight of someone whom he had hoped not to see again for a long time. It was John, his bothersome rival who had been his neighbor back in Sangem. Matt's eyes narrowed at the sight of him, teeth clenched. Even Goza became tense at the sight of him, though not so impressive looking with cheese powder covering his mouth.

"Hey Matt," John said, in his usual arrogant voice. "It took you long enough to get here. I was beginning to think I was going to need to leave before I got the chance to challenge you."

Matt met this request with a startled expression. John had never thought Matt worthy enough to battle him. While Matt regarded this, he knew something was wrong.

"I'll battle you anytime John. Name the where and I'l be there."

"That's what I thought you might say, but I suppose it'll have to wait. I bet that that incompetent Whismur is the only pokemon you have right now. Am I right?" John mocked superiorly.

"Goza's not incompetent!" Matt replied angrily. The aformentioned pokemon also growled at the devious trainer. However, Matt's face flushed, because John was right. He hadn't gotten around to catching another pokemon yet.

"It'll be two on two, so I suggest you come back here in a couple of days when you have another pokemon." John walked away, satisfied that he was still better than Matt.

Matt was furious. How dare John make fun of him that way! he was just jealous that Gazo had managed to defeat his Spoink last battle. But John had been right. Matt needed more pokemon if he wanted to ever become strong. Still fuming, Matt turned to Goza and motioned towards route 207. They would find some strong pokemon at Mt. Coronet.


------------------------------------------------


Matt was flustered. Since they had gotten into the cave, all they had been able to find were a bunch of zubat. While a zubat might be nice for later, it wouldn't stand a chance against a psychic type like Spoink. Surely there were some other pokemon in this cave! Goza was resting in his pokeball from the last battle against a zubat. It had been perticularly nasty and wouldn't let them leave peacefully. Matt was about to give up hope, and he needed to leave soon anyway. His flashlight could only last so long. Suddenly, he heard a soft groan, a scuttle of feet, followed by a magnifiscient roar. Matt's heart leaped. The loud pokemon sounded strong, and the weaker might need help. It was a win-win situation, and he raced off to the impending battle.

Matt finally ended up in a large chamber of some sort. It's ceiling was very high, and must have stretched almost 300 feet across. Squinting to see the pokemon he was looking for, he could not see anything. Without warning, though, part of the rock wall in the back where it skinnied out again moved! Matt pulled out his Pokedex. He read to himself, "Onix; the rock snake pokemon." Matt ran to the scene and saw that the onix was bullying a poor, beaten Spinarak. Mat recognized that kind of pokemon from around his home town. It appeared to be in bad shape. The onix itself was not unhurt; the spinarak wasn't completely defenseless.

"Come on, Goza!" Matt said, releasing his pal from the spherical prison. The whismur landed with the grace of a hippo, but was on his feet in no time. Matt figured none of his equipment was strong enough for an onix, so capturing now was out of the question.

"Alright, Goza, use a Screech attack!" Matt requested. Goza leapt through the air to the side in order to dodge the onix's Slam, and landed well for once in some rubble. Immediately, he inhaled and unleashed a powerful bellow at the onix, subdueing it. "Good, now use a Stomp attack!" Goza flung himself at the onix, feet glowing. Onix recovered quickly however, and swiftly dodged it by backing into the exit of the cavern. The whismur rolled and caught himself, but was hit with a powerful Tackle and sent flying.

"Goza! Are you okay?" Matt asked worriedly. The rabbit like pokemon pulled himself up and nodded, shakily. "Alright then, use Hyper Voice!" Goza's shriek echoed in the cavern like thunder, sending the onix into a rage. It thrashed about, and caused a massive rockslide above it. Matt went from covering his ears to covering his eyes as thousands of years of dust was thrown about. Finally, after it cleared, Matt could see Onix buried in a massive pile of rock, struggling to escape. It wasn't beaten though. Matt thought quickly.

"Goza, use Roar!" Once again, the whismur screamed at his opponent. The onix, affected by the attack, pulled himself out and slithered down the tunnel, and disappeared. Matt walked back over to the Spinarak. It was twitching in pain, breathing hard. Matt realized that this was an opportune moment. Quickly, he pulled out a pokeball from his pocket, and tossed it down to the spider. It was quickly sucked into the mechanical, spherical container in a flash of red. Matt picked it up, still vibrating violently in his hand. Matt counted the shakes with upheld breath as Goza climbed onto his shoulder.
One,Two...
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Last edited by OrpheusMatt; 02-08-2008 at 12:00 AM.
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  #2  
Old 02-08-2008, 08:37 PM
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Default Re: The Itsy Bitsy Spinarak

Plot/Story:
This was a good story. It was away from the ‘goes into forest and catches Pokemon’ plot that I see on new comers into the story section. But this one was more original. It had nice twists, I didn’t think that the two would find a city and a PokeCenter, I thought they’d be traveling and wonder into a Pokemon and battle it. :P But this one was more complex, but still basic. I did like it, it was simple but fun, you made it more exciting. You’ll have to have better idea for future and more complex Pokemon/stories though. Make sure you have a mood to the story. This one did, but I’m just saying for future reference. A mood makes the story more enjoyable. Instead of it constantly going from happy, to sad, make it one of them. It really helps the story. ^^;

This was great for a first-timer in the URPG story section, usually first stories aren’t so good and end of boring the graders. :x But this one kept me interested and I wanted to read on more, which is good. Making the reader want to keep reading is the best thing you can do with a plot; having spins to it makes it more fun to read, also. This you did. This was a great start to your URPG story life. :P

Introduction:
This was kind of poor. I couldn’t really see anything. Make sure you describe what the characters look like, and where they are, which you did. You did most of what graders look for in an introduction, but not what the character(s) looked like. This could be worked on a bit, don’t forget to describe the characters to their fullest potential.

Grammar/Spelling:
I saw just a few spelling/grammar mistakes. Re-reading your story can really help you flesh out this mistakes and get you a better grade. XP

And if you're from a different country than the US and you spell words different... sorry. ._.

Quote:
it seemed, to frolick merrily about.
I believe frolick shouldn’t have the ‘k’ at the end of it.

Quote:
Matt simply picked his embarassed
‘Embarassed’ should have two r’s being spelled ‘embarrassed.’

Quote:
simaultaneously began laughing at the facial dirt
“Simaultaneously’ should be ‘simultaneously.’

Quote:
straight into the alluminated town of Oreburgh
‘Alluminated’ should be ‘illuminated.’

Quote:
want to desturb the free time of
‘Desturb’ should be ‘disturb.’

Quote:
it felt like a month to the exausted thirteen year old
‘Exausted’ should be ‘exhausted.’

Quote:
and heade out the door
You just forgot the ‘d’ on end of ‘headed.’

Quote:
Name the where and I'l be there."
That doesn’t sound right to be, though it is in dialogue, but it would sound better as “Name where and I’ll be there.” along with two ‘l’ in “I’ll.” :P

Quote:
It had been perticularly nasty and wouldn't let them
‘Perticularly’ should be ‘particularly.’

There were a few more, but I pointed out the majority of them. :x

Also, when you are using something related to Pokemon you should make the first letter a capital, anything related to Pokemon. PokemonCenter, Pokemon, Whismur, Onix... Etc.

Length:
You just went a bit over. Which is good. ^^

Detail:
This was pretty good. I could see particularly the surroundings, but not he Pokemon and the people. Make sure you describe everything, not only what the people and Pokemon see. Different points of view for stories make it easier and harder to describe things. Make sure you know what you are describing and don’t just guess on what something looks like. Also, don’t just describe what people see. What do they feel? Taste?… anything that can be described on something should be. Make the story pop out at the readers and make them be able to see what is going on, not just that a Pokemon and trainer are walking down a beautiful road. You told me what Matt was wearing, but not what he looked like. Did he have brown hair? Was he bald? He has to have some body, right? O_o

Pokemon would poorly described also. This part of the story was so-so. I could see the surroundings, but not the Pokemon/people. Make sure you get everything described, even the small parts of the story need to be described. Not as much though.

Battle:
It was small, and I liked how you made it a bit different by Onix beating up the little bug and then Matt’s Whismur battling the Onix. It brought a small twist onto the story, which is good, it was a bit different which is what you should aim for. Something more could be added to the battle. Make it longer, it was good for two-sided-ness, but make it more longer. The attacks were well described and I could see the two Pokemon Tackling each other back.

Final Outcome:
This was a bit obvious. You made it exciting, and the detail/battle/plot was good. I can easily say Spinarak captured!!
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Last edited by The Jr Trainer; 02-08-2008 at 10:07 PM.
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  #3  
Old 02-09-2008, 05:26 PM
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Default Re: The Itsy Bitsy Spinarak

Yay! Thanks fur the great advice, too! Ill work on that.
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