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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 02-05-2008, 11:46 PM
pokemaster1111 Offline
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Default Demon in the Snow

Pokémon Wanted: Snorunt
Characters (With no spaces): 9, 117
Characters (With spaces): 11, 053
Category: Medium

Demon in the Snow

Living in Snowpoint City, a snowy-white city that resides in the Sinnoh region, a young boy named Richard starts to prepare for his school trip. After taking his shower and brushing his pearly white teeth, he combs his long, curly black hair. The young eleven year-old boy always complains about his rosy cheeks and hazel eyes, which he finds very atrocious. After he put his Sean Johns and snow jacket on, he packs his assortments into his backpack and scurries off to the kitchen.

“Have you packed everything you need for the trip? You have to make sure you pack up the essentials as well…so did you?” asked Richard’s mother.

“Yes I did mom. I just need to finish tying my sneakers,” shouted Richard with great excitement.

As Richard readies for his long departure, he notices that his school bus is right in the front of his house. So he swings his backpack onto his back and flees off with little hesitation.

“I’ll catch you later mom,” said Richard with the door slamming right behind him.

Running at top speed, Richard manages to reach the bright yellow bus in time. Seeing that all the seats in the front were occupied, he finally found a seat towards the back of the bus and took his seat. Richard finally places his items on his seat and sighs in relief. The bus driver announces to the young trainers on the bus that the ride will last approximately 2 hours. Unknowingly, Richard notices that he left his map that said the whereabouts of their destination. Looking around frantically, he then asks his friend, Charlotte, a girl 15 of age with a beauty mark towards the right of her forehead that’s unidentable do to her blonde bangs hovering over it.

“Charlotte… Do you know where we’re heading off to?” asked Richard with very little clue.

A sudden laugh jolts out of Charlotte. “Well, we’re going to the Icypoint Mountain Ranges. That’s where rare sightings of a legendary Pokémon have been reported. It’s also known to be the habitat of many wild Pokémon as well,” claimed Charlotte.

Richard opens his eyes in astonishment thinking about what that Pokémon was. “Wow, I really can’t wait to get there now,” said Robert while looking out the window towards his left.

After the two-hour drive, they finally reach the Icypoint Mountain Ranges. There's snow, ice, and trees as far as the eye can see. With an indoor Jacuzzi, pool area, and training court, this place is a dream come true. But Richard has other plans; He plans to spend his time training with his Elekid, whom he’s had since the beginning of his journey. Now that the bus stopped, a sudden silence approaches the bus as the attendant raises his left hand to gather their attention.

“We are now officially in the Icypoint Mountain Ranges. Make sure that you take all of your belongings with you on your way off the bus,” claimed the attendant. “Wow, I can’t wait to get to our training in Elekid. Maybe we will even see some wild Pokémon there as well,” Robert said in astonishment while looking at his ruby red Pokéball. After leaving the bus in a single-filed line, they reach the empty lobby of the hotel, in which they will be residing in for the next three days.

“We here at the ‘Luxurious Inn’ gladly welcome you young trainers here. While here, you will be seeing some interesting, yet vast assortment of wild Pokémon. Over there on the right side of the lobby, you can find a guide showing you a map of this hotel. Mrs. Clarkson, the brunette towards your right, will be giving you guys specified envelopes with your name on it telling you what room you will be staying in. But overall, please enjoy your stay!” said the Hotel Manager. The Hotel Manager then left the scene with no other words or facial expressions.

“Wow he really seems like a nice guy. Right Tabatha?” Robert said.

Tabatha, a 14 year-old girl with numerous freckles on her pale white skin, said, “Yes, he does seem pretty nice. But I’m a little shifty on his character.”

“Aw, don’t worry. I’m pretty sure he means no harm,” said Richard with little hope.

The Bus Monitor walked in and calls out for attention. “Attention one and all! We need to lower the volume in here and give these polite people your undivided attention.” Richard pays her no mind and scurries out of the hotel in a huff. Finally outside, Richard eagerly looks at his Pokéball with a smirk and throws it into the air.

“C’mon out, Elekid!” A bright light emerges from the Pokéball, and out of it came the jolly Elekid. As the light fades away, jolts of electricity emerges from his body. His silky, smooth skin is what won him his Super Contest in Hearthome City, Sinnoh.

“Elek!” shouts the very giddy Elekid as his silky fur glistened with the morning sun.

With a great smile, Robert and Elekid scurried off into the woods covered entirely with snow. After arriving there, Richard looks around. “Elekid, let’s get in all the training we can get before we get busted for sneaking out. So Elekid, I want you to use Thunderpunch on that tree with the scar on it over to your right!”

Elekid didn’t hesitate and showed no mercy to the tree. Using all his might, he broke the tree into many oval-shaped shards.

“Good job Elekid, but I’d like us to perfect your Double Team and Thunderpunch combo.” A dead silence came along between the two. “Elekid, use Double Team!”

Elekid leaps into the air and uses Double Team. The fantastic Double Team Elekid illuminated made 8 different duplicates of the original one. All 9 Elekid eagerly await for their next order. Still arose in midair, the Elekid were still waiting for Richard’s decision.

“Now, use Thunderpunch on all 9 of those trees!”

Elekid now charges up his strength for his upcoming Thunderpunch and all of his illusions used Thunderpunch on the 9 trees. Unknowingly, Richard forgot that the Double Team were just mere copies of the real thing. Which means that it will do no harm to the 8 other trees. Elekid now descends to the ground with little exhaustion.

“Are you doing fine Elekid?” Elekid looks at Richard while taking a breath. Finally, Elekid answers Richard with a nod. Richard suddenly hears a noise coming from his left. Without time to look, he hears the same noise coming from the front of him moments after. “Runt,” are the shrieks he hears both times.

“Elekid, let’s go and see what it is!” With no time to lose, Richard creeps up to the thorny bushes where the noise came from. But Elekid scurries there and stops in his tracks. Richard looks at Elekid in astonishment, puzzled at why he had stopped. Richard finally came to where Elekid’s standing and looks in the direction that Elekid had his attention focused on.

“Wha…what is that?” asked Richard in a shocked trans. Richard swiftly took his Pokédex out and points it towards the wondrous creature. After hearing the description of the Pokémon, he is very pleased to see that he was near a Snorunt. With no hesitation, he demands Elekid to use Thunderbolt.

Elekid then uses Thunderbolt, but the wild Snorunt vanishes before Elekid could even make the move

“Where’d she go?” shouted Richard. Looking side to side frantically, they hear something from behind. They quickly turn and see Snorunt giggling and smirking. There was a period of silence.

Snorunt now uses Blizzard. The devastating Blizzard came about and covered the whole area in a bright, blistery fog. Now with the Blizzard in play, the attacking Snorunt uses Ice Beam. The Ice Beam reaches to a temperature of -162 degrees Fahrenheit and launches to a distance of 30 ft. The Elekid then gets hit with the deadly Ice Beam and falls to the ground. Luckily, the Elekid did not freeze.

“Elekid, I can’t see! Are you okay?”

“Elek!” said Elekid while slowly nodding his head with his right arm over his left covering up his injury.

“I have an idea Elekid! Go and jump onto that tree and spin as fast as you can!”

Elekid jumped onto the tree above and spun. Snorunt watched in an attempt to see what they were up to. Elekid’s rapid spinning has caused to start blowing and affecting a nearby area.

“Good job Elekid! Now jump down onto Snorunt and use Thunderpunch. "

Elekid jumps down with such an immense speed that even Snorunt couldn’t have the time to dodge. But a few seconds before impact, Snorunt digs her right arm into the puffy snow below her and throws it into Elekid’s face. With snow in his eyes, he still drops on her. But the shock that Elekid got from the snow frightens him to a high enough extent causes him to use Thunderbolt as a reaction. The Thunderbolt made contact and directly hits Snorunt in the chest. Jolts of electricity now stream in and out of Snorunts body, showing signs of Paralysis. With both combatants tired, they jump to their original side of the battle and breathe in a desperate attempt to gain their energy back.

Snorunt, now lying on the ground, slowly uses the snow as a way of healing. Richard realizes what Snorunt is doing and commands Elekid to use Thunderpunch before she fully heals.

“Elekid, use Thunderpunch now!” Shouted Richard.

The Elekid stood in its spot and charges up. His charging is completed once his body starts to glow, and small jolts of electricity shot out of his body. Elekid, running at top speed, uses Thunderpunch directly in her stomach and sends her flying.

“Now Elekid, before she can escape, use Thunderbolt!”

Elekid then uses Thunderbolt at full power and barely misses her. She dodges it at the last second by grabbing on a branch dangling right above her and uses Ice Shard as a follow-up move.

Richard, in astonishment, looks at Snorunt and doesn't take his eyes off of her. “Elekid, dodge her Ice Shard; Great job! Now look to your right Elekid, she’s in that tree. Now I want you to do what were practicing earlier and use Thunderpunch on that tree. And this time with no noise.”

Elekid charges up and rapidly runs over there with little noise and hits the tree with immense impact and devastation. The bruised Snorunt feels the vibration of the impact, and falls to the ground and receives further damage. Snorunt is now gravely injured from the past Thunderbolt and the fall from the tree. With the exhausted Snorunt lying on the snow, Richard carefully examines the Snorunt. The wild Snorunt and Elekid both lay there taking a deep breathe as the battle becomes quieter with the rising suspense. After watching Snorunt carefully, Richard sees an opening and plans an attack.

“Elekid, use the rest of your power and finish her off now!”

Elekid once again charges and gathers all the energy he has left in him. The Elekid, with much energy bundled up in his right fist runs toward the wounded Snorunt. Pulling his fist back, Elekid uses Thunderpunch right on Snorunt. The impact sends Snorunt skidding 15 ft away into the tree. The KO’ed Snorunt with very, very little energy stays in its spot on the ground. With no hesitation, Richard throws a ruby-red Pokéball at the Snorunt. The Snorunt gets sucked into the Pokéball and the Pokéball starts to glow red in the center of it. Richard, with his hands wrapped together, hopes desperately that his long, hard attempt has paid off.

One, two…


Last edited by pokemaster1111; 02-09-2008 at 02:52 AM.
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Old 02-09-2008, 01:45 AM
Phantom Kat's Avatar
Phantom Kat Offline
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Default Re: Demon in the Snow

I am here, now leave. =p

Plot: Robert lives in Snowpoint City and as he gets onto the bus for school, he realized they are going to the Icypoint Mountain Ranges. After a two hour drive, they arrive and step into a hotel. Annoyed at the snootiness of it all, Robert decides to step outside and train his Elekid. During the training session, they hear a Snorunt and they decide to battle it.

This was good for your first story, I like the fact that it strayed off the usual “kid walks into forest, finds Pokemon, battles it” because that is the most overused plot. Although you did mentioned that they went into a forest of some kind, it wasn’t to go looking for a Pokemon to but to train. Overall, original enough without being the vomit-inducing clichéness that most new authors use. XP

Remember to expand on your plot next time, add a unexpected twists that will throw the reader for a loop. Even if a plot is well written with perfect grammar and awesome detail, it will fail if it’s boring and unoriginal. Watching movies, reading books, and all that good stuff can give you some pretty good ideas.

Intro: Robert comes back home and gets on the bus for school which is bound for a two hour drive to the Icypoint Mountain Ranges.

You did very well in describing your character and where he lives. With that, you also sort of told us about his personality, easily annoyed and likes doing his own thing instead of following orders. You did this without shoving he information down my throat (as in, just a list that is extremely boring to read) so kudos. =)

The only problem I had with your introduction is that it didn’t “hook” me in to the story. Whenever you write a story, you want to start it off in a way that gets your reader interested. Even a simple thing like getting ready for school can be introduced as something exciting if you write it that way. Maybe Robert was having a dream in where he was about to kiss the girl of his dreams (no pun intended xP) where he suddenly falls of the bed which caused him to awake. It may not seem as the most exciting thing but it can if you write it that way. Without a good “hook” on your intro, your readers will not want to read more than a paragraph.

Grammar/Spelling: This, unfortunately, was what brought down your story but more specifically, the tense changes. =/

Living in Snowpoint City, which resides in the Sinnoh region, a young boy named Richard arrives home after finishing a day of hard training with his Elekid. After taking his shower and brushing his pearly white teeth, he combed his long, curly black hair. The young 11-year-old boy always complains about his rosy cheeks and hazel eyes, which he found very atrocious. After he put his Sean Johns and snow jacket on, he packs his assortments into his backpack and scurried off to the kitchen.
For example, in your first paragraph, you constantly change from present tense to pass tense and back again with no warning. There is no rule that you have to stick to one POV throughout your entire story or that you can only write in POV for all of your stories but if you do not stick to one tense and one tense only, it is very confusing and messy. Sometimes, I would think someone was announcing the battle O.o. Choose one tense and stick with it and always re-read your story more than twice to catch tense changes you might have made (I know I make them) plus any typos, etc.

Here are some other mistakes you have made that an easily corrected.

The young 11-year-old boy always complains about his rosy cheeks and hazel eyes, which he found very atrocious.
Numbers under a 100 should always be spelled out so “11” should be “eleven”, no matter if you’re talking about age or height or the number of something.

“C’mon out, Elekid!”
Whenever one character addresses another (be it by name or nickname or anything else), a comma should be placed before the name.

Other than that, just read over your story at least twice to catch pesky typos.

Length: Barely above 10K. Good job here, you added the 2K you needed. Remember that you should always aim at the middle so that it would give you one less thing to worry about. This can easily be done by adding more description and adding to the plot.

Descripion/Detail: Like I said before, you described your character well without making it a list. However, after you introduced your character, I could barely see anything else.

Though this is a Pokemon and most people have a general image as to what the 493 Pokemon look like, you still need to describe them to the best of your ability. Describe their feathers or fur or scales to how tall they are to how they sound. Maybe I have never seen the Johto anime and have never played the games, how would I know how an Elekid looked like other than it being giddy? Describe the Pokemon just how you used Robert, as though we have never seen them.

Another thing is that other than during the battle, I saw no surroundings. What did Robert’s house looked like? What about the bus and hotel? Were they cramped and smelled of sweat or was it spacious and it had a hint of perfume? Just like your characters, describe your surroundings as they we have never seen a bus or a hotel so that the reader feels as though we are in the story. Remember, for description, use ALL of your senses, not only sight.

Battle: The battle was lengthy and two sided so nice job in this area. Like the characters and the surroundings, I couldn’t see the attacks that were being thrown. How was Elekid charging up? Were electric sparks jumping off his body, did his fur crinkled and sizzle with built up electricity? How did Blizzaard look, like an ice-cold fog? What about Ice Beam? Describe before, during, and after the attack so describe how they performed it, how it hit or missed, and the aftermath (maybe Snorunt was paralyzed after the first Thunderbolt).

You left “Froslass” at the end of the battle, just make sure you catch little mistakes like that when you reread your story. ;)

Outcome: It was very close, especially since this is your first story and we Graders go easy on first stories. ;p The tense changes and the lack of detail, however, makes me say, for now, Snorunt not captured! All I need you to do, since this is your first story and all, to fix the tense changes since it’s very distracting and add more description to your surroundings and Pokemon and the Ice type will be yours. For the description, just give me a general picture of the Pokemon and the surroundings but I would love it if you overachieved and add as much as you can since it will help you for future stories. When you’re ready, just PM for a re-grade. ^^

- Kat

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce
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Old 02-09-2008, 03:18 AM
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Phantom Kat Offline
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Default Re: Demon in the Snow

-gets the uber bandhammer for double posting-

You've added sufficient detail although I still feel you are lacking. Describe the Pokemon in color, size, anything you can imagine, don't hold back. YOu've fized the tense changes, just don't forget about the grammar mistakes I've pointed out and whenever you start a new scene, describe the new setting to your fullest. I say: Snorunt captured!

Remember, description, description, and description. Plus, heed my other device, as well. Just to let you know, next time, I won't go easy. ;)

- Kat

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce
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