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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 02-08-2008, 01:56 PM
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Default A New Journy Begins (Episode two: Eterna Forest and the Angry Spinarak)

Yeah, I thought I’d be a daredevil and go for three Pokemon. If that isn’t allowed, or it’s not enough characters, then I’d prefer to capture Caterpie and Starly over Caterpie and Spinarak. I've got something under my belt for Spinarak later in the story, so if it doesn't get captured, that's fine.
I couldn't wait until the last one got graded to post this... I was too excited. xD
(typed in MS Word, written in the first person)

Last Episode's results:
Will be posted when decided.

Targeted Pokemon: Caterpie, Starly, Spinarak
Size (With/without spaces respectively): 19k/16k
Difficulty level: Easiest/Simple/Simple (respectively)
Status: Done.

Chapter 1: A Traveling Buddy

Cassie looked at me, then sighed,

"Well, I think we should be on our way. I want to get to Trainer School as soon as possible." She said.

"Yeah, well, you'd better not drag me down. I want to at least get to Orreburgh before the end of the month, and knowing how lazy of a traveler you are, that's a long shot." I retorted.

"Hey! It's not like you're any better. You may be older than me, but remember, you're the slob of the family." She sneered.

I yawned,

"True, but I get around." I replied.

"Humph. You idiot," She snorted and looked away, her short blond hair was blowing in the wind.

A reflection was rippling in the water under the bridge. In the reflection was a blonde, short haired girl with bright blue eyes and a scornfull expression. She was wearing a white T-shirt and blue jeans. Behind her, was a dark haired boy with wet clothes (from his last capture attempt) and jet black hair. Wearing a navy T-shirt and blue jeans;
he looked irritated with his sister and had serious emerald green eyes.

As I was about to go on my way, I heard someone calling after Cassie and I.

“Wait!” The voice said.

I turned around and saw a man in green, chasing after us. He had what looked like a heavy box in his hands and kept calling mine and Cassie’s names.

“I have a delivery for you. Your mother requested that I find you when she got this today, enjoy.” He said, and dropped the box carelessly on the ground, mere inches from my foot. From the loud thud the box made, it could have easily crushed my toes.

“Who’s it from?” Cassie asked.

I bent down to look and saw that it was from my "Uncle" Kurt. He was a famous Pokeball maker in Jhoto, and a very good family friend.

I opened up the box with the pocket knife in my pocket and saw to my amazement, boxes upon boxes of Pokeballs! On top of the boxes was a wooden case.

I opened it with Cassie looking over my shoulder. Inside were two of each kind of Jhoto specialty pokeball!
Heavy Balls, Lure Balls, all made by “Uncle” Kurt himself.

“Wow! Look at all those Pokeballs!” Cassie exclaimed,

“I know, they’re amazing,” I said, and looked at the note.

Allan, enjoy these Pokeballs, I crafted them by hand, and with no assistance for once. Please tell me what kinds of Pokemon you catch with them, when you do catch something. Enclosed in the box is other Silph Co. and Devon Corp. Pokeballs; you will also find a couple of handy device, the VS Seeker and Pokeradar. Use them wisely. Sincerely,
Uncle Kurt.
” It read.

Obviously, Mom must have told him last week that I was going to get my first Pokemon.

“Hey! I want some of those! You’ll just waste them all on Magikarp or fail at catching Pokemon!” Cassie exclaimed.

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. Take the Love Balls, I won’t need those; you can have the Heal Ball’s too. Those will just make my Pokemon look girly.” I said.

“Girly! Ha! Those Pokeballs could save your neck one day!” Cassie exclaimed, but snatched some of the empty Pokeballs.

“Yeah, right,” I muttered, “I wonder where I’m going to go next… I don’t have any Pokemon with me that know HMs, maybe I should head back to Eterna and go down to Orreburgh?” I asked.

“You mean, ‘where are we going?’.” Cassie corrected.

“You want to come along, don’t you?” I sighed,

“Yes. I need an escort to Jubalife, before Trainer School starts; and you’re headed that way anyways…” Her voice drifted off.

“Ugh, fine. Just stay out of the way.” I said reluctantly.

“Yay! Thank you big brother!” Cassie exclaimed gleefully.

“No problem. Just don’t snatch any of my catches from me. Like you did with Dad’s Clefary.” I smirked.

“I wanted that Clefary a lot more than he did.” Cassie grumbled.

I started to walk off, after putting my bag over my shoulder I walked on after Cassie and I greedily filled our bags with the empty Pokeballs and attached the Pokeradars and VS Seekers to our backpacks then walked briskly to the Eterna Forest, with a new, whining companion by my side.

Last edited by Shucklulz; 02-12-2008 at 02:09 PM.
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Old 02-08-2008, 01:58 PM
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Default Re: A New Journy Begins (Episode two: Eterna Forest and the Angry Spinarak)

Chapter 2: Eterna Forest Trouble

As I came through a sort of gateway, of two trees, arching like they had been effected by the geographical condition "creep". Meaning that trees and objects woud look warped, like in a carnival fun house mirror. The branches, about three feet above my head, seemed to welcome Cassie and I to the forest. Though no other trees seemed effected. On the right side, there was a steep cliff, and on the left was a thick grouping of trees, fenced in, I knew that the rumored haunted house wouldn't be too far from here. It was going to be a long way through the forest, and we only had a week to escort Cassie... I would have to go to the house on the way back.

After about an hour of walking through the forest we decided to take a rest and have lunch. I sat down on the soft grass under my feet and pulled my backpack out, looking through it for a sandwich I had packed. A shriek erupted from the forest, I whirled around to see Cassie, face to face with a Caterpie, but something was different about this one. This one was gold in color, instead of the traditional green. It's goldish-green body reflected the glistening sun on it's back, making it seem as though it were truly made of gold. It's bright black eyes also reflected the sunlight. It's intenni were bright red. It seemed to be listening to Cassie and I by using them. It seemed to smile at Cassie, and me.

“W-w-what IS that THING!?” Cassie demanded fearfully.

“Whoa! That’s a Caterpie, what a usual color though.” I declared.

“W-well you’d better get it away from me! I don’t like bugs!!” Cassie wailed.

“Alright, alright, I’ll try to catch it.” I sighed.

“WHAT!? Over my dead body you’re catching that, that THING!” Cassie exclaimed, and grabbed me by the shirt sleeve. She tried to pull me by the sleeve and get me away from it, by attempting to drag me... and it was working.

“Cater…” The Caterpie whimpered, and suddenly was saddened by what Cassie was saying.

“Oh come on, Cassie, bugs aren’t that bad; and how often do you see a gold Caterpie? I came here every day for three years and never saw one!” I exclaimed.

“Well, that’s too frequent for me!” Cassie exclaimed fearfully.

“Cater…” The Caterpie whimpered again.

“Star!” A voice chirped in the air.

“CATER!” The Caterpie wailed.

I looked back to see a Starly, in a chocolate brown and pale white colors, it was now chasing the poor Caterpie, it's sharp orange beak was jabbing at it and trying to corner it up against a rock. Where Caterpie would soon become Starly's lunch.

“Come on Cassie, please, let me at least battle it.” I moaned,

“No! We’re getting though this forest with no bugs!” Cassie retorted.

“Ugh, well, unless you want that Caterpie to be eaten by that Starly,” I started.

“Starly! Where!?” Cassie exclaimed, she let go of my shirt.

“Huh?” I thought.

“I want that Starly!” Cassie exclaimed.

“I repeat, huh?” I thought.

“Yeah, go a head without me, just let me take care of this one. I’ll catch up.” Cassie said cheerfully,

“Go Buneary!” Cassie commanded, and threw her pokeball. I looked to see if Caterpie had escaped, to my dismay, it had.

Buneary looked around its ears were curled up against it's head, ready to attack. It looked like it had just been forcefully woken up from a nap, and if you know Cassie's Buneary, that's the last thing you want. It gritted it's teeth and glared at it's target, ready to attack at the slightest hint of a command.

Hopefully I looked around and thought I heard something in the distance, that even sounded like Caterpie, though I thought I was hullucinating and ignored it.

There was no point in leaving Cassie behind now, I had no way of finding that Caterpie now... or so I thought, I looked above me and saw a string of web. It looked awfully like a String Shot attack had been used on the tree. I looked around and saw dozens of these strings. I would keep this information in mind, until Cassie had finished fighting the Starly. I couldn’t resist watching.

“Buneary, use Dizzy Punch!” Cassie commanded, Buneary jumped up and slammed it’s right ear into the side of the Starly, making it fall out of the sky.

“Excellent! Now use Jump Kick!” Cassie commanded, and again Buneary obeyed without question. Unfortunately for Buneary, Starly flew out of the way, and went into a skydive, it was a Brave Bird attack. Starly zoomed down, it seemed only an outline, it was slamming through the air so fast that it was making a seam in the air, an airless vacuum it seemed, and slammed right into Buneary, who was blown back with incredible force, and slammed into a tree, which snapped and slammed into one of the trees marked with the String Shot; knocking it over as well. Unfortunately I had lost track of where the trail had lead, I sighed as I remembered Cassie's destructive battle style with her Buneary.

"She'll destroy the whole forest if she isn't careful." I thought nerviously.

“Bun!” Buneary roared, and got back to it’s feet.

“Buneary, use Agility, then Baton Pass!” Cassie commanded.

Suddenly, Buneary burst off at breakneck speed, zigzagging, jumping up and down, disappearing between zigzags and then it glowed red, and turned into a trail of red light, returning to the Pokeball in Cassie’s hand. She threw the pokeball in her other hand,

“Go Clefairy!” Cassie called and chucked her Pokeball.

In a burst of white light, her Clefairy appeared. Its pink face, which was usually smiling, looked serious and ready for battle.

“Meteor Mash!” Cassie commanded, and at a faster speed then I had seen, Clefairy jumped into the air and it’s hand, which was now scrunched into a fist, started to glow as it landed and slammed onto Starly’s back, but what was this? Starly disappeared, surrounding Clefairy were now at least a dozen Starly’s! Had it called for help? Likely, but no, it had used Double Team. Now they all started to glow, they charged right at Clefairy,

“Here comes Brave Bird!” I exclaimed,

Cassie ignored me, with a smirk she called, “Use Follow Me.”

Astonished at what she was doing, I looked at her,

“Now Light Screen on all sides! Even above you!” She called.

All of the Starly’s zoomed straight at Clefairy, and then slammed right into the Light Screens. On the left side of Clefairy, the only Starly remaining bounced off the Light Screens and landed on it’s side. Clefairy looked extremely tired, though Cassie didn’t seem to mind.

"Use Metronome." She said quietly.

Clefairy begand wiggling it's fingers again, then it erupted in a blue light, I watched to see what attack Metronome would cause, then I couldn't believe my eyes, it began to glow green. It raised its arms and from out of the ground, gigantic spiked roots shot up at the Starly... a Frenzy Plant attack!? The gigantic roots rose up, on all sides. They now blocked my way to Cassie, extending up the cliffs on both sides and seemed to tighten around the trees on both cliffsides. I groaned,

"She'd have to get a Blast Burn to get through those," I thought, "Whenever she uses that attack, she always hurts someone or something in the process."

“Go, pokeball!” Cassie called. I could immagine her throwing the pokeball, it spiraled over to the Starly and smacked it on the forehead, it getting sucked in by the red light and it fell on the floor wobbling... I couldn’t stand it anymore, I now had an excuse, I had to go find that Caterpie!

I rushed off in a sprint down a hill and through another two trees that seemed to be effected by the Creep.

I walked through, into a sort of ominous place, expecting anything to happen, I clutched the pokeball on my belt.

It was a sort of garden, flowers were everwhere, bushes and trees were surrounding the flower patches in a curcular form. I looked to one side and saw a spider web connecting two trees, and in the middle of the web was the Caterpie I had been searching for, but it was bound to the web, stuck in a String Shot.

“Spin!” I heard from above Caterpie

“CATER!!!” The little Caterpie screamed…

“Caterpie! Get out of there!” I called, then a minute later from out of the shadows, a spider web shot out of the trees above, and on the end of it was a Spinarak.

“Spin!” The Spinarark exclaimed in suprize.

The poor Caterpie I had hunted was now trapped in the center of Spinarak’s web,

I glared at the Spinarak,

“Don’t you dare hurt that Caterpie!” I exclaimed, though the Spinarak ignored me and turned to Caterpie.

“Cater…” The Caterpie whimpered in fear.

Spinarak was about to launch what looked like a Poison Sting,

“Go, Eevee! Use Sand Attack!” I exclaimed, and chucked my Pokeball, it hit Spinarak on the side of the head, and knocked it off the web, landing on the floor on its feet. A trail of white light exploded from my open Pokeball and out of it, came Eevee; who promptly launched its Sand Attack. Kicking a pile of dirt at the Spinarak.

Spinarak launched a String Shot and grabbed Eevee by the tail and slung it up into the air, then without letting go, slammed it into the ground, and repeated the process several times, each time Eevee wailed in pain

“Eevee! Eevee! Eevee!” It exclaimed as it was slammed against the ground.

I had never expected a String Shot to be used in such a way.

“Come on Eevee! Get up and use Take Down!” I exclaimed.

At that, Eevee broke free of the web and charged at the Spinarak, I remembered from Trainer School that Spinarak’s weren’t very big on defense, and couldn’t change directions very fast on the ground.

“Now turn it into Quick Attack!” I commanded, and now all that power from the Take Down, it had been turned into a Quick Attack, with the same amount of strength, but without the strain on Eevee, that speed worked perfectly, slamming into the Spinarak, but, a slight miscalculation, as Spinarak flew into the air, it shot a String Shot up at the tree, catching itself and planting its self firmly, upside down and handing from the tree.

It turned its head towards Eevee and fired a Poison Sting.

“Eevee, dodge it!” I commanded and Eevee jumped out of the way,

“Now run around in a circle under Spinarak!” I commanded.

Eevee obeyed, and Spinarak’s poison needles were landing where Eevee stood minutes before, now turning into a purple spiral of needles, I thought it would be my time to act,

“Eevee, now run up one of the trees where Caterpie is!” I commanded, as I had expected Spinarak didn’t stop firing its Poison Sting,

“Now jump off of each tree and onto the other one!” I commanded.

Eevee obeyed and jumped in a zigzag up the tree, and in front of the ends of the web corners, the poison needles sliced through the web like butter, one even cut open a side where Caterpie was bound, though none actually hit Caterpie.

“Excellent, now jump through the trees and go to the one where Spinarak is hanging!” I commanded.

Spinarak, now very stressed because it couldn’t land a hit, hit its own web with the poison sting, and fell off and about three feet from where it had been hanging. The perfect distance from where my next attack could be landed.

“Now jump onto Spinarak and use Take Down!” I commanded. Eevee jumped off the tree and spiraled down above Spinarak, though it stopped in mid air and became surrounded by blue light, then, a small explosion, blasting poor Eevee into a tree, then landed laying over a branch, dizzy and tired, but it hadn’t been knocked out.

“Eevee, use Trump Card!” I commanded,

Eevee shook it’s head and awoke, then it started to glow in a blue light, just as before, then shot a burst of unavoidable energy landing a clean hit on Spinarak, almost knocking it out. Now there was only one thing left to do. Then I remembered the Pokeballs Kurt had sent me, and as a matter of fact, I had a Net Ball in my pocket! Which powered up against bug and water types. I smirked as I remembered this from Trainers School, why I hadn’t thought of it sooner was beyond me. I couldn’t believe that I had wasted so much time beginning the fight against Spinarak, when I could have just chucked a Net Ball at it three minutes ago, and have been done with it. But oh well, what’s done is done. I pulled the aqua blue pokeball out of my pocket, shrunken to the Pokeball’s smallest size. It had the design of a black, crisscrossing lines, symbolizing a net.

“Go! Net Ball!” I called an chucked the Net Ball and it hit Spinarak, quickly it got drawn in by a pale blue light with lines releasing from the Pokeball seal, then the lines towered down over Spinarak, who was now covered in the pale blue light, and drawn into the pokeball.

I ran over to Caterpie, not even caring if I had captured Spinarak or not.

“Caterpie, you’re free to go now.” I said, Caterpie was lying on one side, on the ground. But very tried; almost as though it were knocked out. It sat up and looked at me with big black eyes, with the sun glistening in its eyes, the shadows of the trees quivered on it’s gold body, it looked up at me, then sprayed me with String Shot in the face.

I ripped the web off my face as best I could, without ripping my hair out,

“Hey! What was that for?” I demanded, but it only looked at me mischievously.

“Cater!” The Caterpie exclaimed,

“Oh so that’s how it is, eh? Why don’t we have a battle then?” I asked with a smirk,

Caterpie nodded, and shot a String Shot, not at me, but over my head, and then landed behind me, and in front of Eevee. I turned around.

“Go Eevee; let’s start this off with a Quick Attack!” I called.

Eevee zoomed off and shot like a rocket at Caterpie, it was about to slam into it, when Caterpie shot a String Shot at Eevee’s feet, binding them together.

“Eevee!” Eevee cried.

Caterpie wasted no time, it spat more string up into the tree branches above us, and then let go, aiming like a torpedo and hit Eevee on it’s side with a Tackle attack.

Eevee’s claws extended and cut through the web.

“Eevee, grab it’s tail with Bite!” I commanded.

CHOMP! Eevee now held the Caterpie by the tail into its mouth. Caterpie squirmed helplessly, Caterpie curled up and slipped out of Eevee’s grip, then went under Eevee and jumped up from underneath with a Tackle attack! That had to hurt!

“Eevee! Use Growl!” I commanded.

With that, Eevee seemed to scream to the top of its lungs, though it seemed more like a roar.

“Now use Trump Card!” I called.

Eevee glowed with that familiar blue light again, and fired it. Never failing me, it hit the Caterpie, and blew a hole in the ground where Caterpie had stood. It flew in the air and shot a String Shot at a tree on the other edge of the garden, lowering itself close to the ground it slung itself and slammed into Eevee. Knocking it to the ground, but not seeming to be too tired yet.

"Eevee, use Tail Whip!" I exclaimed.

Eevee slapped Caterpie across the face with it's tail,

Caterpie rolled on the ground and hit a rock. It was almost time for Eevee’s ultimate move to be unleashed… Though I thought I would save it until later.

I pulled out a pokeball and chucked it at the Caterpie,

“Go Pokeball!” I exclaimed.

Foolishly, I forgot about the two remaining Net Balls in my pocket, and I used a regular pokeball.

It sucked Caterpie in with its red light and shut tight, it wobbled, and wobbled, I looked over at the Net Ball lying on the ground not that far away, and I noticed it was still moving around…

“One… Two… no!” I cried, and Caterpie jumped out at full speed, slamming into Eevee with another Tackle attack.

“Look’s like I’ll get to use that move after all.” I thought.

“Eevee, use Last Resort!” I exclaimed…

Eevee erupted into a bright white light, it became surrounded by rings upon rings of stars, they exploded out of Eevee’s body and burst around Caterpie, while stunned, Eevee charged at Caterpie and slammed strait into it, then Caterpie fell onto the ground on one side, tired and unmoving.

This time I remembered the Net Ball, I grabbed one out of my pocket, and threw it straight at Caterpie. Hitting it perfectly, Caterpie was sucked inside by the same light a Spinarak. I smiled with satisfaction as I watched the still moving pokeball which contained the Spinarak, then turned back to Caterpie…

“One… two…” I thought…

Next post: Chapter 3: Spinarak's Duel Continues!

Last edited by Shucklulz; 02-12-2008 at 03:06 PM.
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Old 02-08-2008, 01:59 PM
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Default Re: A New Journy Begins (Episode two: Eterna Forest and the Angry Spinarak)

Chapter 3: Spinarak’s Duel Continues!

While I was focusing on the still moving Pokeball, the Pokeball holding Spinarak shattered behind me.

Spinarak was about to flee into the forest,

“Wait, Spinarak.” I said.

It turned around glaring at me with its black eyes. The expression that used to be a smiley face on its back was now frowning. It seemed that it hated me, yet, for some reason, I wanted to catch it… though it tried to eat Caterpie.

“Spin.” It said distastefully.

“Well, I’m sorry I attacked you from out of nowhere. But I was going to battle that Caterpie. You shouldn’t have tried to make it into your meal.”

“Spinarak! Spina!” The Spinarak exclaimed.

“Let me guess, it’s the laws of the land, right?” I asked.

Spinarak nodded.

“Then it also must be a law of the land to battle any trainer who challenges you, is that correct?” I asked.

“Spina...” It hissed, but it seemed to agree.

“Then I’ll tell you what, you can go on your way, if you beat me in a battle. But if I win, then you let me try to catch you.” I said.

It nodded, now Eevee was watching, though it’s spunky attitude as usual kept it perfectly ready for a battle.

“Go, Eevee!” I said,

“Eevee!” Eevee called.

“Use Quick Attack!” I commanded, but before Eevee could, Spinarak’s shadow started to move around, away from it, and then, underneath Eevee.

The shadow jumped up and hit Eevee in the stomach.

“Whoa, that was a Shadow Sneak!” I thought.

“I’ve got to watch out for that Psychic attack.” I thought, remembering what happened when I was going to use Take Down, from the tree.

“Spin!” The Spinarak laughed, as Eevee fell to one side, then I remembered, I had used Trump Card twice, this would mean, that it would very powerful, and a good move on Spinarak to finish it off.

I jumped back, and ran back about a yard.

“Eevee, use Sand Attack!” I commanded.

Eevee kicked some dirt into Spinarak’s face, temporarily blinding it.

“Now use Trump Card.” I commanded.

Eevee for the third time began to glow with a bright blue light, then launched it at Spinarak, hitting it and knocking it to one side… It sat up and Eevee became enveloped in another blue light, and got lifted off the ground.

“Eevee use Trump Card again!” I said, but it was too late, Eevee had already been thrown into a tree, just as before.

“Use Last Resort!” I exclaimed.

Eevee began shooting stars, surrounding itself and Spinarak in them, though Eevee could move, Spinarak couldn’t, it was too distracted by the stars. Eevee leaped into the air and pounded down on Spinarak, making it dizzy. I thought that was enough.

Eevee looked really warn out, but I kept it out of it's pokeball just in case Spinarak wanted to fight harder.

“Stop attacking it Eevee.” I said.

Spinarak sat up, and looked at me hatefully.

“Well, a deal’s a deal,” I said and bent down. Sitting down on the soft grass beneath my feet, “you should come with me. I know Caterpie’s probably aren’t very tasty; and I’ve got a lot of Pokemon food that you could have.”

I took a Pokeball out of my belt, and pointed it at Spinarak.

It shook its head in disapproval, and shot a String Shot at me. But I was too tall. It couldn’t aim it at my face; it hit the Pokeball and snatched out of my hand, it didn’t know how to react to this, so it sucked the string back in its mouth. It realized what it was doing, but it was too late. The Pokeball hit poor Spinarak and it got sucked inside.

I couldn’t resist laughing; it was the most ironic capture attempt I had ever seen. Yet I still watched the Pokeball, with the unlucky Spinarak inside.

It wobbled once, twice...

Last edited by Shucklulz; 02-12-2008 at 09:41 PM.
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Old 02-10-2008, 12:43 AM
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Default Re: A New Journy Begins (Episode two: Eterna Forest and the Angry Spinarak)

Gah, sorry for being late, I have a cough that will make me choke on my own phelgm sometime soon. =x

Plot: Allan and his little sister, Cassie are walking when a man calls their names. They then discovered that Uncle Kurt from Johto has sent them dozens of Poke Balls, even ones exclusive to Johto. Joyfully, they accept them and go into Eterna Forest. Upon arriving, they see a golden Caterpie which Allan wants to catch. However, Cassie refuses to stay until they see a Starly. She eagerly battles the Starly and while she does that, Allan goes to find the golden Cateprie that had run off. He then discovers that it is trapped in a Spiniarak’s web and battles the spider with his Eevee. After Spinarak is sucked into a Poke Ball, he battles the thankless Caterpie and after he catches the bug, goes to fight Spinarak again.

Well, even though you used the “kid walks into forest and finds Pokemon” you did twist it up so that it wasn’t so vomit-inducing cliché. I like how Caterpie was ungrateful even after it was saved and how Spinarak refused to be caught. However, I still feel it was a little bland, maybe because they just, out of nowhere. It would have been better if they had betetr reason to go to Eterna Forest rather than just going to catch Pokemon. Maybe they had an errand to run or something along those lines.

Really, “forest stories” have been used more times than I can count. If you choose to write one, you have to make it as original as you can. This is was really good for your first story, though, it was fun to read but just make sure to make every story as original as possible. ;)

Also, I felt the guy coming with the package was a little bit too random. Saying something along the lines off, “Oh, your father told me where you were going since by the time I got to your house, you were gone.” would make it more realistic.

Intro: Cassie and Allan are walking when they hear someone call their name. They are delivered a box full of Poke Balls and after that, go into Eterna Forest.

It was decent, I have to say. You made me laugh a couple of times and it did want me to keep reading. However, I had no idea what any of your characters of surroundings looked like. Exactly how did Cassie and Allan looked like? Were both of them tall with long, blonde hair or were they short and chunky with brown hair? What about their surroundings? Were they walking in a hot, barren wasteland or were lush trees surrounding them from either side?

Your intro needs to introduce us to your characters and their surroundings because we will be following them throughout the entire story so we need to know their looks, personalities, and a bit of their history (not their whole life’s story, just saying what town they lived/live in would do xP). Also, you always want to “hook” your reader in in the intro so that they want to read more. Like you did here, add some fun into it or maybe suspense and comic relief. Just make sure it’s exciting and full of life.

Grammar/Spelling: It was alright for the most part, you certainly know your way but I did see mistakes here and there.

Where Caterpie would soon become Starly's lunch.
You had some fragments scattered here and there in your story like this one. A simple way to correct this is to attach the fragment to an already existing sentence although make sure it doesn’t make the previous sentence a run-on.

“Star!” A voice chirped in the air,
Sometimes you ended your sentences with a comma instead of a period, be careful with that.

“Bun!” Buneary roared, and got back to it’s feet.
You got this right and wrong at times so I just wanted to point this out. When you are talking about something being possessive like in this sentence (“it” being Buneary and the possession the feet), you say “its”. If you are saying “it is” like “It is snowing outside.”, you used “it’s”.

“Go Clefairy!” Cassie called and chucked her Pokeball.
Like above, sometimes you had this right and sometimes you didn’t. Whenever one character addresses another, the name of the character that is being addressed needs a comma.

You also had some run-on sentences here and there, just make sure that you can have two or more good sentences than one that has nothing but commas. Just read through your story and if you feel the need to breathe, either a comma or a period goes there. XP

Length: This was okay so no worries here. Remember, Quality > Quantity.

Description/Detail: Meh, this was okay, better than most first time stories I read so kudos.

On the other hand, I couldn’t really see everything that was going on. Like I said in the introduction, I didn’t know what Cassie and Allan looked like and the surroundings, even through they were better described, were also lacking description. As the author, you have the job to paint a picture of what is happening. Were the trees lush and green or the trees bare and dry?

All Pokemon need to be described as well. The way you described Starly was really good, make sure you do that for ALL Pokemon. Even though this is a Pokemon forum, some of us may not remember the Pokemon right off the bat. Describe from color to size, everything you can think of. Use all of your senses and describe even the unimportant stuff like the chill of the wind or the mushrooms growing on the ground as they walked. If you mention stuff like this, it will less as though your character was trapped in a bubble with nothing around them.

Battle: These were really fun to read. You used imaginative combos like Follow Me with Light Screen and using String Shot like a lasso. They were lengthy and two sided; even the Caterpie one was fun. Really, all you need to do here is describe your surroundings and attacks better. For attacks, it’s always good to describe prior to it, during, and the aftermath as in, how did they prepare for the attack, what happened as the attack is released, and did anything happen after (trees burned, a Pokemon is Poisoned, etc.)?

Also, I don’t think Eevee could fight three battles without being somewhat tired. Though Spinarak and Caterpie aren’t that strong, I suspected it would faint during the second battle with the spider.

Outcome: This was really good and I enjoyed reading it. However, the lack of introduction, the kind of bland plot hurt you, the lack of description. Since this is your first story, I wouldn’t worry too much about the plot but I do feel that the intro needs some revision and some description here and there would be nice. Until then, Caterpie and either Starly or Spinarak captured! Just add more into the intro, introduce your characters and surroundings, and some description so that the story is more vibrant and so your readers can see what’s happening better. Do all this and the other Simple Pokemon is captured, PM for a re-grade whenever you’re ready. =3

- Kat

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce

Last edited by Phantom Kat; 02-11-2008 at 12:13 AM.
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Old 02-13-2008, 02:48 AM
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Default Re: A New Journy Begins (Episode two: Eterna Forest and the Angry Spinarak)

You added a good amount in the introduction and you added detail here and there. So: the Simple Pokemon you didn't catch captured! xP

Just remember to write an intro that grips your readers, add description to everything you come across, and come up with the most original plots you can. =3


- Kat

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce
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