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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 02-09-2008, 01:34 AM
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Default Tai's First Real Capture

Pokemon Going for: Diglett (Simple)
Length: 7,775 Characters on MS Word w/spaces (Simple= 5k-10k)

Short story, first story here and first story... ever.


It was a pleasantly mild February day and all was still. The wind, departed far from the forlorn howling of the evening, made only a soft whisper as it passed over the desert sand. Light snoring reverberated through the building and the light of the day had long since slid between the slats of the blinds to cast its glare heavily upon the wall opposite the room. Tai was still sleeping, her soft, light brown hair draped over her face in a way that, had she been awake, would have obscured her deep green eyes.

She hadn't meant to sleep in on this particular morning, but the heat of the day had not yet made it uncomfortable beneath the blankets of her bed and as such she hadn't even the slightest inclination to move. Eight o'clock fled, nine followed in hot pursuit, ten went after the two to solve the conflict, and eleven finally came to moderate when, by chance, the sun's position finally caused a strong ray of light to focus on Tai's face.

"Nnngh..." she groaned as her eyes opened slowly, blinded for a moment by the harsh desert sunlight.

Tai stood up slowly and stretched her legs. She didn't know that it was already 11:30 AM, nor did she really care to think about it at the moment, but her eyes fell after a moment upon the clock situated on the eastern wall of the room.

"Oh! Hoppip!" she said, rather startled at what she'd just remembered.

The trainer got up in a hurry and grabbed the bag off of her desk. She thumbed through it, removing miscellaneous trainer paraphernalia such as a potion, a few empty Poke Balls, a used-up TM which she'd neglected to throw out, and a small spray-bottle full of water before coming to the Poke Ball with her Hoppip inside. She pressed the button to release him and apologized quietly as the cottonweed Pokemon looked up at her face, his crinkly top leaves drooping slightly.

Tai knew that Hoppip needed his morning misting to feel a little better, just as usual, and she felt bad for forgetting and sleeping in. The desert air was dry, especially during the winter, when the wind blew in from the East instead of from the more humid mountains to the West.

Her grandfather had told her about this when she first found Hoppip up in those same mountains. They had gone up to have a picnic just as spring had come on, returning the greenery to the mountaintops and putting the flowers in bloom. Her family told her when she was young that Hoppip would flock to mountains and the valleys in between as a sign of the approaching spring, riding the winds from the fields where they sprouted, and this had been her first time witnessing it.

She remembered her Hoppip following her home after she shared some of her water with it. He looked to have traveled a long ways to get to the mountains, and was so grateful for the treat that he had followed her family home despite their best efforts to let him stay with his wild brethren.

"Hoppip? Pip?"

Tai came back from her reminiscing and set to work lightly misting Hoppip with her spray-bottle as it let the drops collect on its leaves and drip onto its body. Hoppip smiled gratefully and Tai figured it was ready to go out again.

They hadn't found anything yet, but the young trainer wanted to keep looking. She grabbed the shovel that she'd left leaned against the wall and walked into the other room. Her mother had already left for work, so the house was empty and quiet.

Tai had been going out for over a year now every day, Hoppip in tow, to dig in the desert sand in hopes of finding a Pokemon fossil. Rare fossils such as the root fossil had been found nearby in the desert before, and Tai hoped she'd be the next to make such a discovery. Hoppip bounded along behind her happily as they set off from the house. There were few landmarks in the desert, but the solitary Joshua tree standing in front of her house was always enough to guide her back with its form silhouetted on the horizon.

They walked for quite some time, passing holes she had dug on other days as she went. Finally the pair reached a clean area where the sand had yet to be upturned. Tai set her bag down and Hoppip reposed beneath the slim shadow of a cactus as Tai misted him again with the water.

"Aah, Hoppip, this spot looks good, doesn't it? I get a feeling we'll find something interesting today," she told the young Pokemon who simply looked up at her happily as he enjoyed the moisture before it was quickly swallowed up by the dizzying heat of the midday terrain.

She had barely pierced the sand with the shovel when she heard a rumbling noise and the ground shook very lightly beneath her feet. There was a pause, a look around, and a tilt of the head before Tai simply dismissed it as having been nothing. She began hefting the sand into a pile next to her, carefully sifting the sand out of each shovel-full to make sure she didn't miss anything. The edge of a flat piece of rock revealed itself among the sand she'd unearthed and her heart raced. She quickly dusted off the sand that clung to it, but it was no good. This rock, like the hundreds she'd pulled up in the days prior, was simply that. A rock. And it was only a rock. Slightly disheartened she sat down and rifled through the bag for the bottle again and sprayed some into her own mouth. Hoppip cooed softly to her and she treated him to some as well.

It was almost time to leave, the sun had begun to descend in the sky, the harsh sunlight had disappeared for the most part, and another day had gone by, seemingly fruitless. Suddenly Tai jumped up off the ground. She'd sworn that she felt something move under her when she was sitting.

What could that have been? she said to herself.

She could make out a noise coming from underneath the sand once again and then without warning, a tiny Diglett popped up.

"Was that you making that noise?" she asked it, but Diglett took one look at her and burrowed back under the ground, surfacing again a little further from her, clearly frightened.

Tai grasped at her bag on the floor behind her and found one of her empty Poke Balls. She had obtained only one Pokemon so far, her Hoppip, and she wasn't sure how to proceed. She was sure, however, that she wanted this Diglett. It would be the first Pokemon she'd caught on her own if she could manage, but she wasn't sure how to proceed.

"Hoppip, try to put it out with your Sleep Powder!" Tai ordered as Hoppip leaped from the shade to help his trainer.

The thick, green powder started to radiate from the weed Pokemon as it turned its body to shake it from the leaves, but it was far too slow. The Diglett had burrowed underground again and disappeared completely from sight.

Hoppip looked around confused while Tai tried to guess where Diglett would come up, but it surfaced without warning, attempting to slam Hoppip who fluttered gracefully off the ground before the impact, as the leftover spores from its previous Sleep Powder attack wafted down to rest on Diglett's face.

The mole Pokemon squinted its eyes in concentration, trying to stay awake, but to no avail.

"Hoppip, weaken it with a Tackle!" Tai shouted as Hoppip slammed into the sleeping Diglett, jarring it out of sleep but still leaving it rooted in the ground.

The wild Diglett turned to Scratch Hoppip on its soft, pink underside as it passed, riding the momentum from the Tackle. Hoppip winced in pain and turned back towards Diglett on its own, ramming it with another attack with such force that Diglett lay stunned for a moment.

I... think this is when you're supposed to do it, Tai thought to herself as she tossed the Poke Ball from her hand towards the Diglett, bouncing it off of its stunned body, and watching it land on the ground, open, and suck the small ground Pokemon inside.

The Poke Ball wiggled once, twice...
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Old 02-11-2008, 02:21 AM
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Default Re: Tai's First Real Capture

Story/Plot: Tai, a teenager living in the desert, sleeps in for far too long one winter day. When she eventually awakes, due to the harsh rays of sun filtering in through her shades, she immediately goes to work at spraying down her Hoppip. It seems like it will be a regular day for the most part, and thus she travels out into the land surrounding her home, in search of Pokemon fossils. After an unsuccessful day of digging, Tai is on the verge of returning, when suddenly she feels something rumbling beneath her. A Diglett appears, and Tai, who has never actually captured a Pokemon before, attempts to battle and catch it.

It was very unoriginal for the most part. Sure you changed the setting to a desert and the main character’s task to digging for fossils, but it still remains as one of those "trainer ventures away from their home in search of something or another”, which has been drastically overdone. Try adding in some original and inventive aspects to the plot, things that are abnormal but all the same entertaining. What if: just as Tai discovered a fossil, it was snatched by a Diglett, and she must chase it down to an underground kingdom of similar Pokemon in order to get it back? That would be something that would catch one completely off guard, which is actually a good thing when writing a story.

Also, the day seemed to have passed much too quickly. All we were told was that Tai had started digging, and then all of a sudden we were faced with a sunset, and she began to gather her things to set off for home. If you had added in an excerpt about her searching for hours and hours or something, it wouldn’t have seemed so awkward to us readers.

Introduction: I had mixed feelings about this section. The story lacked the “attention-grabbing” factor that is pretty important in a piece of work. If someone were to begin to read this, automatically coming upon a girl sleeping, they would more than likely be turned off and not want to read much more.

Also, what does Tai look like? You can’t rely on just telling the color of her hair as an appropriate description….We need to know EVERYTHING about her if we are to perfectly visualize her as you intend. Is she short and harboring a few extra pounds? Or is she lanky and tall, with her face littered with freckles? Even minor things like that can really influence our perception of the girl.

Finally, we are told about how she got her Hoppip and all (which was a nice touch), but you don’t inform us as to where exactly she resides. Also, you say that she lives with her mother and grandfather (I think), but you lack the detail as to how she feels about each of them. Internal descriptions are rather important as well, and they help to shape and mold a believable character, but when you leave out vital information such as that, we are sort of left in the dark.

Grammar/Spelling: You did pretty well here. I really only noticed minor errors here and there, but I will only quote a couple.

Quote:
The thick, green powder started to radiate from the weed Pokemon as it turned its body to shake it from the leaves, but it was far too slow.
When telling the color of something with an adjective before it, such as thick & green, you don’t need a comma between them. That only applies to two adjectives (other than color) that are placed next to each other.

Quote:
Tai set her bag down and Hoppip reposed beneath the slim shadow of a cactus as Tai misted him again with the water.
Quote:
She had barely pierced the sand with the shovel when she heard a rumbling noise and the ground shook very lightly beneath her feet.

When combing two simple sentences, you need to include a comma before the joining word, which in the first sentence’s case is (and) & the second sentence’s case is (and) again.

Quote:
She began hefting the sand into a pile next to her, carefully sifting the sand out of each shovel-full to make sure she didn't miss anything. The edge of a flat piece of rock revealed itself among the sand she'd unearthed and her heart raced.
Well, this isn’t necessarily a grammatical error, but I figured that I would point it out anyway. The word (sand) is used 3 times in these two sentences, which is going a bit overboard if you ask me. Try to put some space between the sentences in which you are re-using a word, or use a different word such as (grit) or (grain).

Length: Good job here. This is a perfect example of the whole “aim for the middle of the set guidelines” sort of thing that so many graders try to pass around to the writer. I have absolutely no complaints in this area.

Detail/Description: You pull this off well enough. I absolutely loved the part about the hours chasing each other and such; it was quite amusing, and a tactic I really haven’t seen used much…. That is, personifying something such as the concept of time itself.

Apart from the description of your character, which I already told you about in the Introduction, I could really see everything that was happening in the story most of the time.

Your word choice is nice….You describe things in the perfect amount of detail at the perfect time, leaving the less significant events as they are, which puts much more emphasis on the more substantial events. I didn’t see anything that would have been particularly confusing to a novice reader, so good job on that.

However, I see that you failed to include an adequate portrayal of each Pokemon. Even though most of us here can recognize and visualize any given Pokemon just based on the name, you want to write as though your reader has never heard of such a creature as a Pokemon.

Battle: My only real complaint here is that it was a tad on the short side. Sure, Diglett is somewhat of a weak Pokemon and all, but I think that it would’ve put up a bit more of a fight than what it did. Just a few attacks from each Pokemon isn’t necessarily acceptable, unless you are pitting Super-Effective moves against lesser Pokemon, which is somewhat looked down upon here.

Apart from that, I really liked it. The attacks were well described and all. You could have incorporated the surroundings into the battle a bit more, such as sand going flying as the Diglett was pummeled by the Hoppip, or one of the Pokemon falling into one of the many holes that had been dug up.

Outcome: For being your first ever story as you claim, you did very well. This story was much better than most that I see from first-timers, and I commend you for that. Bear in mind that in your next story, your battle needs to be much longer, and perhaps you could expand into a more imaginative plot. Other than that, there is nothing keeping me from saying Diglett Captured. Nice job & keep up the good work! :D
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