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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 02-16-2008, 06:05 PM
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Default Evelyn

For Jr.

"More tea, madam? And more pancakes, would you? Make sure those eggs are done before I pass out the ice cream, Evvy. I'm going to finish that cake, by the way, don't make a mess," said the Mr. Mime, who was indeed Evvy's, or Evelyn's favorite Pokemon. It had been her best friend, and also was her family's own Pokemon servant. It had been loyal, friendly, nice, and was indeed a good cook. But now, when the two were alone, they had become even better friends.

She was small, a nine-year-old, a pretty girl, nice brown hair, which had come down as pigtails. She also wore the best smile Rocket had ever seen, and also liked wearing dresses, or skirts. Right now she was wearing a floral skirt, along with a nice beach-themed tank top. She loved wearing skirts and tank tops, and she liked it now also. With her gleeful smile, she started eating again.

The chains of the Mime family had been servants for the Raquens. They had been passed along, and now this Mr. Mime, Rocket, had been the latest one, and just so happened to be Evelyn's own immediate-family. Evvy couldn't ask for another friend or Pokemon to own, she just loved Rocket so much. Her parents had left Evvy and Rocket at home while on vacation, and they knew how much Rocket would take care of her, so it was no worries from the little girl's parents. Now that they were gone, Evvy and Rocket loved it.

But now, the day that Rocket would help Evvy catch her first Pokemon was going to be difficult. He wasn't sure a nine-year-old could catch a Pokemon, nonetheless with a bad Pokemon, Rocket. The Mime lines were not used for battling much, they were servants. But Rocket had a job, he knew he had to help Evvy. He had practiced himself, with Evvy, and without her. He had learned all different attacks, mastered some old ones, and knew what he was doing now.

"Um, Rocket, can you grab me the book with the battle strategies? I need to know what I can do with a Mr. Mime. It's in the library, do you mind if you fetch it?" said Evelyn, with her cute, little girl voice. She had been finishing up her favorite breakfast dish, which was special for the morning, as Rocket wanted her to be great for her battle. She was pumped, she just wanted to do it, and catch a Pokemon. Rocket had pressure, though, and he hated it.

"Yes, I do. I'll go fetch it upstairs, then. Be back soon, when I have it. Just finish your food," said the mime Pokemon, then running, over to the staircase, going up, and then taking a right into the library room. Evelyn, a swift reader, loved the library. She read almost all the books there, and had kept several things, and sometimes even slept there. She could live there, and she could stay alive for a while. She then waited, while Rocket ran down the stairs again, coming with a book.

Evvy had taken the book, and had left the room, along with Rocket. Out into the beautiful, grassy fields, the two of them had ran to the little plains and garden Evvy's mom owned, which she knew had a lot of fighting Pokemon. She had loved the garden, and fighting Pokemon, and wanted to maybe catch one. Rocket knew this. The fact that he wanted a friend Pokemon, and it was a fighting Pokemon, he was so gleeful. He just couldn't wait to have a friend beside him, and Evvy to have her own Pokemon.

But Evvy didn't quite know how to find Pokemon. She was too young, and when Rocket explained it all, she didn't understand. With her smiling, reading the book, she felt something on the floor. Looking down, Rocket nearing here, she fell down into a pit, coming down low. She had fallen, she was going down, along with Rocket. She had landed on the floor of the underground, which had Rocket next to her. He had gotten up, and let his hand out for Evvy to get up. She did, then examining the place.

It was the Underground of her house. She knew about it, her parents had told her. She had been scared, it was dark, while Rocket, holding her was not. He was smiling, and she had been looking around. With a Zubat here and there, Evelyn was afraid, she hated the bat Pokemon. Rocket loved them, which was a big difference. With a lot of Pokemon around, Evelyn felt a tickle. She shook it off, but then felt another one. And another, and another. She had been walking faster now.

She then felt the tickle, looked down, and then smiled. It was a fighting Pokemon, a Machop, in fact, and Evvy loved it. She looked at Rocket, who nodded, and got into his battle mode. When in battle mode, Rocket scared him, and the Machop had left and ran. Rocket looked kind of mad, as well as Evvy herself. She then chased it, on Rocket's back, who was running, and the two of them were running so fast.

While she jumped off Rocket, Evvy had been in front of Machop. It tried to turn back and run again, but Rocket had been there. He tried to escape through Mr. Mime, but it didn't. While it failed, it went for battle. It got ready, while it went and started running.

Running quickly, the Pokemon had let it hand out. With the epic movement, it hopped up, and on top of the poor Mr. Mime, and had chopped it right on the torso. Rocket had been hit with a chop. While it tried its best to hold onto saving himself, he stayed up, and eagerly awaited Evvy to command him. The Machop didn't let it happen, though, forcing another chop, this time on the poor Pokemon's shoulder. Still holding it in, Rocket had still waited.

"Magical Leaf!" Evelyn exclaimed, the Pokemon nodding in sync with her talking.

With that, the Pokemon had scattered several leaves, which looked weird. They had kind of been glowing beautifully, and the curious looking leaves scattered, hitting the Machop in the face. The defensive Pokemon had wiped it off his face, then scattering the leaves on Rocket himself. Rocket, still the best Pokemon he could be, held it in. He was such a good Pokemon, he was doing so well.

"Don't let it attack! Psychic!" she shouted, then letting the Pokemon attack. It nodded once more, and took his chance before Machop could hit, to run as swift as it could, and run fast. Machop saw it coming, but didn't do anything.

Machop felt it in him, he was hit by a strange, yet strong telekinetic force with the strong attack. The foe, Machop, had been down in this case, and hurt horribly. The Pokemon didn't hold it in, and went down on the ground. The damage had been done, and Mr. Mime was the winner. Machop wasn't killed so much, but still, being hurt, Evelyn thought she was ready. Waiting for Mr. Mime to throw her a Pokeball, then caught it.

She threw the ball. One ding... and sweat coming out of both of there faces... another... more sweat... and the third... sweat was falling like a river. Was... it... caught?

Last edited by RawrIsMyMiddleName; 02-16-2008 at 06:37 PM.
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Old 02-16-2008, 07:00 PM
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Default Re: Evelyn

This was a pretty simple plot. It was really close to “go into forest and find Pokemon” kind of theme. But it had a nice twists of some kind on it. You could have made this more fun if you had a completely different plot though, make sure you have better ideas for future stories. :/ This was a bit too simple, anymore and it would’ve been horrid to read. :x Making plots shouldn’t just be a ten second process, make it realistic, something fun to read. :D Not boring by just a girl walking into her “underground” of her house and finding random wild Pokemon. It kind of ruins a feel of the story. Something more really should be added. D:

More ideas, turns and twist and plots inside the plot (subplots), make it better to read. Maybe Evvy gets stuck in a whole and can’t get down into the underground and the Machop helps her get out, and then she wants him/her. So she battles it and tries to capture. That small bit onto the story could help a lot; it would make it all the more sense, instead of Machop is magically appearing and being in the story all the sudden. :P

This was a bit small. Maybe you could expand on more of what she looked like, along with what Mr. Mime looked like. What was their emotions when she was eating breakfast? Was she just shoving it down her throat or slowly and politely eating? That can just give a small bite of info on what she does with her life. The smallest and littlest things can help an introduction. Just remember to say more on what they do and act like, not just what they look like. ^^;

I didn’t really find anything that was wrong here. Everything sounded right, you didn’t have any of those small typos that we usually find in grading. It was good. I just want to point out one thing…

You were calling Mr. Mime he, him and it. O.o Mr. Mime can’t be a he and an it at the same time. Don’t go all transvestite on us graders. D:

While it tried its best to hold onto saving himself
That's where I'm coming from. :x You called Mime an 'it' and a 'him' in the same sentence. o_o

This was, on the small side. Even if it’s a simple Pokemon, you can still go more than just about 7k. :/ You want to aim in the middle of the two character amount that we give you don’t just stop once you hit the lower one. Going over it always looked upon. :o

This was moderate, I could see Evvy for the most part, but you didn’t really describe anything else. Nothing was really out there that I could perfectly see or anything. This was so-so. You could really add on, like most people you really forget emotions, and how people feel when they do or say something. Emotions can really bring a story out. Even if it’s just small emotion. Like anger, or happiness. :[ Something should be said about emotions, it can and will make the story better and have a greater chance of capture.

Don’t just describe the people and Pokemon either, don’t forget about the surrounding area, something could be done with that. What did the underground of her house look like? Was it cemented and pretty or muddy and ugly looking? It wasn’t just a big cube without nothing but Pokemon flying around it… or was it? You could tell the reader much more than you did.

This was also on the shorter side. It was so-so, moderate, whatever. Make them long and detailed; something with the attacks should be done. You need to have a bit more description. I could see some of the attacks, but not all of them, it was interesting how you described some things. But not all of them. For the future make sure you have better description, in the battle and the whole story itself.

Final Outcome:
This was pretty easy to get to point with. It was a bit basic, but your good grammar, and somewhat good battle and detail this was an easy decision. Machop captured! D:

Last edited by The Jr Trainer; 02-16-2008 at 07:03 PM.
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