The Cave Menace
|Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.
02-19-2008, 12:32 AM
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
Join Date: Jul 2007
The Cave Menace
Okay, this is my first story, I hope it's good.
The Cave Menace
Hawk was a young boy, about 12 years of age. He had dirty blond hair, and deep green eyes. He stood about 5’ 3”, fairly tall for someone his age. He was a trainer from Twinleaf Town in the Sinnoh region. It was just 2 weeks after his birthday, April 13, that he began his pokémon journey. For his birthday, his father took him to Sandgem Town to receive his first pokémon. There were many choices; so many, that any other kid would be seriously overwhelmed from the vast expanse of pokéballs. But not Hawk. Hawk had made up his mind which pokémon he would take when his time came. He had always been inspired by Totodile. He admired the determination, strength, and the fighting spirit of Totodiles.
The instant he stepped into the lab, he asked Professor Rowan, “Where are the Totodiles?”
The Professor led him over to a small station in the corner and said, “You are extremely lucky son. This here Totodile is the last one,” He said, as he picked a pokéball out of the machine.
“We’ll take it,” said Hawk’s father.
Hawk laughed with excitement when he walked out of the lab, cradling his pokéball like a precious jewel…
That was all a distant memory now. Four months had passed, and so had Hawk’s father. He died of a sudden stroke. The doctor said there was no explanation. His father was in top shape, and had taken care of his body since he could remember. He went to the gym everyday, and he went on jogs with his wife. All of that hard work, and exercise meant nothing now, because he was dead. Hawk was in Jubilife City when he received the call. He relived the moment hundreds of times in his nightmares.
Hawk was much more different now than he was four months ago. He was a tough, reticent boy now. He hardly spoke with anyone except with his best friend, Ordario, the Totodile. Ordario had inherited the aura surrounding Hawk. He was friendly, but not very social, and when it came to battles, he was a vicious beast.
Hawk was still on his journey despite his father’s death. Hawk’s father was a famous trainer, who was known throughout Hoenn before they moved to Sinnoh. He believed his father wanted him to do this, so he carried on in his name.
Hawk had just arrived in Oreburgh City. He didn’t like it very much. The air was heavy, and fairly polluted. Ordario didn’t like it very much either. He preferred fresh air, and sunny skies. Consequently, he was extremely irritable. Hawk wondered where the gym was. He spotted a young girl sitting on a bench reading a book titled Pokémon, and You. He walked over to her and said, “Excuse me miss, where is the town gym?” The girl replied, “Oh…um…hi. I’m….um…..Morgan. What’s your name?” The girl blushed, it was obvious she liked Hawk, but Hawk wasn’t interested. “I’m sorry Morgan, but I think I asked you where the gym is, not what your name is.” Morgan blushed, “Oh…I’m…sorry. The gym is over there, west of the pokémon center.” Hawk answered, “Ok thanks. My name is Hawk,” Morgan replied, “Well, if you ever need anything, I’ll be here.” “Ok, I’ll remember that,” said Hawk, as he walked towards the large gym.
“Man Ordario, girls are so weird,” He said as he stared at the pokéball in his hand. Ordario’s pokéball was different from others. Hawk had bought a special one that was white on the bottom half, and a deep blue on the top half. He bought this so he could be different from other trainers. After all, he was the son of his father.
He entered in the gym, and exclaimed, “Wow, it’s sooo big!”
A young man with red hair and glasses approached him and said, “Yup, this is the Oreburgh gym. I am the leader, Roark; will you be challenging me today?”
Hawk responded, “You bet Roark, I’m gonna beat you bad!”
“Well, you’re not challenging me until you complete a special trial. I don’t let anyone challenge me you know. I have trainers wishing to challenge me do special tasks around the city to be able to challenge me,” said Roark calmly.
“WHAT!?!?!” yelled Hawk, “I’M NOT YOUR LITTLE ERRAND BOY!!!”
“Don’t yell at me kid! I don’t play around. And it’s not an errand. It’s a pressing matter that is affecting the miners. They have informed me that a problem has sprung in the mines. A wild pokémon has managed to sneak into the mine that is not a natural inhabitant of the mines. The miner’s Machops can’t handle it because it is too fast. It strikes using guerrilla tactics. It comes, attacks the miners and their pokémon, steals their equipment, and leaves just as suddenly as it came. I am asking you to go into the mine, to the silver pool, where the underwater silver is mined. That’s where we expect it to be, seeing as most of the reported attacks come from there. Do you accept?” said Roark; he was obviously winded after the long talk. “By the way, what is your name kid?”
“My name is Hawk, and I accept Roark. I’ll solve this problem, then me and Ordario’ll own your face!”
“Whatever kid. Just get it done so I can shut your trap,” said Roark, openly showing his anger.
A Hawk left the gym; he saw Morgan and said, “Do you want to come down in the cave with me to do a task for Roark?”
Overjoyed at the opportunity to be with Hawk, Morgan exclaimed, “YES!! I’ll….go with you…”
“All right then, let’s go.”
Hawk, Morgan, and Ordario ventured into the cave, with Ordario out of his pokéball, walking by Hawk’s side. Ordario looked like a crocodile, but he was blue, and walked on two legs. He had red spikes on his back and a patch of yellow skin on his breast. He was covered with many scratches and scars from his many battles, and he treasured each one as a badge of courage. As they walked deeper in the gave, it grew darker, and began to smell like sulfur. Knowing the darker it got, the more dangerous it became, Hawk lit a torch on the wall, and took it with him. Thinking the same, Morgan pulled out a pokéball and said, “Go, Emily!” out of a flash of bright white light, a Hoothoot, a small owl with big red eyes, emerged.
“Whoa, I didn’t know you had a pokémon,” said Hawk, nonchalantly.
“Well, pokémon are great things Hawk,” said Morgan, “They keep you company, and can help in situations like these.”
“Humph,” Hawk grunted, not showing any interest.
As they walked deeper and deeper, it began to smell like water. Ordario and Hoothoot played behind the two while the walked further. They saw an entrance ahead of them, and when they stepped over the threshold, they were awed. There was an enormous cavern pockmarked with little nooks near the top. There were large stalactites, and stalagmites throughout the cavern, and a large pool of water in the middle of the cavern, that was so deep, one couldn’t see the bottom. Large chunks of silver were visible hanging off the side of the pool underwater.
“This is it Morgan,” said Hawk, “This is where Roark told us to go. I wonder what we are looking for.”
“I’ll help Hawk,” said Morgan, “Emily, fly to the top and look for something in those nooks.”
Emily flew to the top and began searching. The sound of water dripping from the stalactites stopped, and the cavern grew eerily quiet except for the sound of Emily’s flapping wings. Then a loud screech resonated within the cavern.
A large rock, about the size of a basketball, came hurtling out of one of the nooks at the top and struck Emily right on her chest. She shrieked in pain, and plummeted toward an sharp outstretched stalagmite.
“EMILY!!” shouted Morgan.
“Ordario, use water gun on Emily so she doesn’t hit the stalagmite, but don’t hurt her.”
Ordario opened his mouth, and a jet of water burst out and pushed Emily out of the way of her gruesome death. The sound came again, but it came from a different nook.
“Two can play that game, Ordario, use screech!” shouted Hawk.
Ordario opened his large mouth, “DIIIIIIILLLE!!!!!” The sound was high pitched, and hurt Hawk’s ears. But it hurt the mysterious attackers more. The cry was heard again, and it emerged. A Mankey peered out of the nook and jumped down towards Ordario. The ball-like monkey landed a punch with its scrawny arms dead on Ordario’s face. Ordario flew across the cavern and slammed into a wall. It groaned with pain, but got back up, and continued searching for the Mankey, but it was gone! The Mankey must’ve jumped back into one of the nooks.
A cry was heard again, and the Mankey jumped back down, but Ordario was ready this time.
“Ordario, use slash!” shouted Hawk.
Ordario turned to the Mankey, and swung its arm with a force so strong; it drove the Mankey back toward the wall. But Mankey was agile; it caught itself in the air, rebounded off of the wall, and shot back into a nook near the ceiling. Emily was coming to by now, and decided she would join.
The Mankey shot out of a different nook at the unprepared Ordario.
Morgan screamed, “Emily, use Zen Headbutt!”
Emily shot towards Mankey with its head glowing. This time, The Mankey was not expecting the attack, and was driven into the wall. The Mankey screeched in pain, and then, it happened. The Mankey unloaded a full power Close Combat on Emily. The Mankey’s fists and feet moved so fast, it was as if he had 100 limbs. Emily slammed into a wall, but this time, she was out for good.
Ordario was enraged. So was Hawk, “Ordario, use Hydro Pump!”
Ordario opened his mouth, and a huge torrent of water burst out hurtling towards the Mankey. Mankey was in the zone now, it easily dodged it, and while Ordario was still using Hydro Pump, the Mankey, came behind Ordario, and used Seismic Toss. Mankey wrapped his arms around Ordario and hurled him to the ceiling. There was a sickening crack noise when his head made contact with the ceiling, then he plummeted into the pool, and began to sink into the bottomless abyss. Mankey then turned on Hawk, enraged at being attacked.
Hawk chuckled, “Do you really think Ordario is done? He just fell into some water. It’s not like he fainted you mindless ball of crap.”
Mankey was furious. He began to use Close Combat, but a small gurgling sound came from behind him. He turned around, and was slammed into the wall by a full power Hydro Pump. Mankey was almost out of fight now, it was panting, slumped on the wall. Ordario was panting too, standing on the water in the middle of the pool. Mankey jumped up to the nearest nook and ran back into the system of caves.
“Ordario, you know what to do. Finish this,” said Hawk.
Ordario began to glow light blue. He closed his eyes, and began to wait.
Mankey shot out of a higher nook, using a Mega Kick aimed straight for Ordario. Ordario opened his eyes, which were now glowing red. He calmly raised his hand, and caught Mankey’s foot. Mankey was shocked. His facial expression also showed a lot of fear.
Ordario latched his other hand onto the leg and hurled Mankey to the ceiling. But this time, he didn’t wait for Mankey to crawl back into another nook. Ordario shot up to Mankey and unleashed his rage. Ordario ravaged Mankey, slamming him onto the wall, all while scratching and biting him. Once Ordario was done, he hurled Mankey down to the ground with all his force. Mankey landed with a sickening crack right in front of Hawk.
Mankey couldn’t move. He was in so much pain. Hawk said, “Well, you shouldn’t have messed with Ordario. He loses it sometimes.” Hawk took out a bright red pokéball, and gently lobbed it at the Mankey.
Mankey was encompassed in a vivid red light, and shrunk into the pokéball.
It wiggled once….twice…..
Desired Pokémon: Mankey
Difficulty Level: Simple
Character Count: 9,439 without spaces, 11,464 with spaces.
I don't have a grader booked, so feel free.
PiEaNdChIpS678 (10:48:49 PM): I found one
Mikey94028 (10:49:14 PM): is that
Mikey94028 (10:49:17 PM): who I think it is
husnainisme (10:49:25 PM): wailord
Mikey94028 (10:49:29 PM): o
Mikey94028 (10:49:34 PM): I thought it was dead
Last edited by Black Hawk; 02-19-2008 at 01:37 AM.
02-19-2008, 04:50 AM
Elite Trainer (Level 4)
Join Date: Jun 2007
Re: The Cave Menace
A boy named Hawk, who is quite unsociable and is trying to pull himself together after the loss of his father, decides to embark on a Pokemon Journey with his Totodile, Odario. He attempts to battle the Oreburgh Gym, but is turned down by Roark, due to a “special quest” that each challenger must undergo. Hawk is told that he needs to stop the mysterious Pokemon that has been terrorizing the miners, and he ventures into the caves with a newfound friend/fangirl, Emily. Together they battle and defeat a Mankey.
I thought it was sufficient for a Pokemon in the Simple category. Although it was basically a “kid ventures into forest and happens upon a Pokemon” type of plot, you added a bit of a twist by making it a cave and actually making the character have a purpose in searching for the Mankey. I have no complaints since this is your first story, but just try to spice it up in your next one.
I found the relationship between Hawk and Morgan interesting. He seems to want nothing to do with her, while she is on the verge of obsession. Not something you see very often, so it was nice and refreshing.
While you did
include mostly everything that is called for by the introduction to a story (ex. What a character looks like, where they live, personal details, etc.) I think you could have done it in a much more inconspicuous manner. It is somewhat offsetting to a reader when they read something that is put out so blatantly before them; it would be much more natural to blend it in with the rest of the story….not necessarily all at once, but just a bit here and there so that we can get an insight on your character. Other than that, this was decent, and you included most of what was required…..though a few more aspects that would be nice to see would be Hawk’s outlook on life/the world, how he views his family members/friends…stuff like that. But of course that is going much deeper, but what we see in your story is great for your first, so good job.
It was okay. There was some typos and grammatical errors here and there:
A major issue that I noticed was that you failed to capitalize Pokémon, Pokémon Center, etc. Seeing as the word is a proper noun, it should be….but don’t sweat it, I did the same thing when I first starting writing these sort of stories. ;D (This goes the same for attacks and such)
Also, you should start a new paragraph when a different character begins speaking….It just sort of separates the ideas and such and makes everything seem much less cluttered. (There were many instances where I could see the other paragraphs being broken up as well, for big, bulky passages don’t make for a very neat story.)
“Man, Ordario, girls are so weird,” he said as he stared at the Pokéball in his hand.
I bolded the corrections to this sentence. When addressing a person, Pokemon, etc., (especially in the middle of a sentence) you want to include commas on both sides. Also, (he) wouldn’t be capitalized, because it is still the same thought, it is just being continued outside of the quotation marks.
After all, he was the son of his father.
Hehe, there isn’t a grammatical error, but I just found this sort of amusing….I get what you are trying to say, but I still found it a bit blatantly funny. ^_^
Great job! You didn’t just stop because you had surpassed the designated length, but kept going until you finished what you had to say. I love to see stories like this….
This was done well enough for a Simple Pokemon. Most everything was well described, like the attacks in the battle…..but I felt like the surroundings weren’t portrayed well enough. I could envision the cave well enough, but the town and gym were completely vague. Be sure to include as much as you can to all environments that the character enters.
You were a bit skimpy with descriptions of the characters. There is much more to the physical appearance of someone than his or her hair color, height, and eye color. You want to tell all the identifying characteristics of a person, because just saying that someone had “dirty blonde hair and deep green eyes” could leave us to picture anything! Was Hawk a bit on the chubby side or built like a bodybuilder? Was his face scattered with freckles or did he have porcelain skin? Details such as these are important to remember.
As they walked deeper and deeper, it began to smell like water.
This was a bit odd. Would you care to explain to me exactly what water smells like? XD
I noticed that you included the descriptions of the Pokemon, which is great. Most new writers (and some older ones) tend to leave out what they look like, but you went into even the intricate markings of each….like the scars on Odario…. Good work. =]
I would mark this as the highpoint of the tale. You have a talent at describing battle sequences, and this one was good for the most part.
I loved how your incorporated the environment into the fight, such as having the Mankey crawl into the nooks as to avoid detection….and using the stalagmites as an extra weapon to both sides. I could’ve seen a bit more happening with this, however. Did rocks tumble from the walls as the Hoot-Hoot was struck against them? Did the water from the pool make the floor slippery?
It was a good length as well, even with two Pokemon vs. one. You included a variety of attacks and used the Mankey’s speed to add another deadly aspect to the situation. Most of the attacks were well described as well, and I found it quite amusing that you had the opposing creature come at Hawk to attack; that is something that you don’t see quite too often.
You did very well considering that this was your first story. You passed in pretty much every category, so I was thoroughly impressed. Just remember the things I pointed out, and you should be fine for your following stories. I have no regrets in saying Mankey Captured!
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