Told from the Caterpie’s perspective, the bug Pokemon is being made fun of by children in the summer’s heat. Saddened, Caterpie wonders into the woods where he sees members of Team Galactic fighting with a Wurmple. Caterpie crawls under a rock in disgust, not wanting to be captured by the Team Galactic members, and the Wurmple follows suit. After a while, they come across a trainer named DM, who seems friendly enough. After a while, they come across a trainer with a Chimchar and a Mankey. After battling a wild Pokemon and a Galactic Grunt, the trainer promises that he will come and see them again.
After DM comes to see them again, he gets into a brawl with a Galactic Commander, named Saturn. After their tough battle, Caterpie asks if he could be captured by DM.
What happened to the Wurmple? You never told us what happened to that little guy, and you never said why DM was trying to stop Galactic from building their base. Try not to leave plotholes like this in the future - it can be confusing for the reader.
Other than that, for a Caterpie, this plot was great! I liked how you made it from the bug’s point of view, and although it’s a very over-used plotline (trainer comes and tries to defeat Team Rocket/Galactic, blah blah) you made it good with it being told from Caterpie’s perspective. Bear in mind that this plotline won’t carry through in later stories where you will be aiming for harder Pokemon, however.
What’s the most important thing in any introduction?
‘Who, What, Where, When and Why.’
Unfortunately, although your introduction included ‘who’ (Caterpie) and ‘when’ (the middle of summer) if failed to show anything else. Where exactly were they? The middle of a forest? In the kid’s backyard? Why was the Caterpie there? All these things are essential to create a good introduction.
However, I liked how you included some of Caterpie’s emotions about the situation here: meaning, you said how he felt left out and wanted attention, which, as we found out later, was a part of his desire to find a trainer.
So, for a Caterpie, and your first story - it was fine. But make sure to include the 5 W’s above in future stories!
Good work! Caterpie, being one of the easiest
Pokemon to catch, requires 3,000 to 5,000 characters of a story. Your story was 5.5 thousand characters - you went over it! Good work! It’s good that you were keen when trying to catch the Pokemon.
Well, you obviously had that issue at the beginning of all your paragraphs being too cluttered, yeah? You resolved it nicely, even though there are still a few paragraphs that need checking. Namely, these include:
"Bones, use Rock Throw!" said DM. A Bonsly picked up the rocks and tossed them at the Croagunk. The attack knocked out the fighting frog. "Croagunk, return! You are so weak!" the grunt said.
"Wurm, wurmple!" said the Wurmple. (Translation: I escaped from the trainer!). "Cater! Caterpie!" said the scared little bug. (Good! I bet it was torcher!). "Wurm!" the worm exclamed. (Yeah!).
Those both should be separated after you say that each character speaks, and in the case of the second one, after each ‘translation‘.
About the translations - although it is a creative and nifty idea, it really would have been better for the reader if you had just written what they had said in English, pretending it was Pokemon language. Writing doesn’t have to be drop-dead realistic, especially in the world of Pokemon!
Also, you had spelling errors in that - ‘torcher’ was supposed to be ‘torture’, and ’exclamed’ is meant to be ’exclaimed’? Simple spelling errors like that could be avoided if you made the effort to type up your story in Microsoft Word, or look up words in the dictionary if you are unsure. In MS Word, all words misspelled are underlined with red, which is always helpful if you have trouble with spelling.
"Scaring all the Pokemon away from this land, so we can make the new team Galactic base." said the grunt.
Every time the text that someone has spoken ends, there should be a comma before the speech mark. It is still in the same sentence, meaning that it should be separated with a comma if direct speech is following it. So, it should be:
”Scaring all the Pokemon away from this land, so we can make the new Team Galactic base,” said the grunt.
You also had a lot of little errors, but none big enough to mention. You know what? That is really
good - I could find hardly anything that was wrong with it grammar-wise, after you fixed up all those paragraphs! Good work!
There really wasn’t much of it, but you had the bare necessities - such as, describing what people looked like. That is enough for a Caterpie, but if you were to aim for higher-level Pokemon, you would require more than that.
What kind of description? Well, things such as the surroundings, feelings, smells and sounds are great places to start. Try and imagine what you’re describing in your head, and gradually put in the sounds you can hear, what the scenery would feel like to touch - you know, things like that! That simple exercise will make your story’s descriptions seem so much more lifelike and interesting!
Although the description was just
fine for such a simple Pokemon, you should try and work on those skills in describing things. It will make your writing seem so much more entertaining and fun - and will definitely help you try and catch harder Pokemon!
You had a few battles, and, again, the descriptions in your battles were - okay. The very first battle with DM and the Galactic member was definitely too short and one-sided, however. Even though a fighting move is strong against the normal type Pokemon, a small Pokemon such as Chimchar without the STAB probably wouldn’t be able to take down the Pokemon. You should try and keep the battle as 2-sided and realistic as possible.
In the big decider battle, it was fairly one sided - so good job! You had a great variety of attacks which made the battle all the more interesting, but the only problem was that you didn’t really describe the attacks adquetly. You should always picture what the attacks look like in your mind - or even picture what they would look like in the anime! The anime gives great examples of how attacks are interpreted from the game, and your story should be able to describe those attacks with your own unique interpretation, also!
I don’t mean to sound harsh, because the variety and length of the last battle was fine for a Caterpie
, but if you wanted to make your stories more entertaining and life-like, describing Pokemon attacks in battle is a great place to start.
Was it a capture? Has Caterpie finally found his owner? Well, every section was definitely good enough for the Caterpie, even if some were better than others. I appreciate that you went to the effort to fix up your obvious grammar issues at the start, also. So, overall.. Caterpie Captured!
. Have fun with your bug!