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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 02-23-2008, 05:06 PM
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Default Who Likes Bugs?

Okay, an easy story this time!

Poklemon wanted: Caterpie
Characters:4491
Characters Needed: 3-6k
Difficulty:Easiest
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTE: This chapter is seen through the Caterpie's eyes.
Chapter One: Galactic Dreams

"Cater!" said the Caterpie. Some kids were watching a Caterpie crawl on a stick. The sun was burning down on the kids. It was in the middle of summer, so the Caterpie was looking for attention.

"Ew!" said a kid. The Caterpie felt left out, and walked, or crawled, away.

Then, the Caterpie came across a battle. "Go, Wurmple!" said the trainer.

The trainer was dressed in a weird outfit and had blue hair. His outfit had a yellow G on it.
"Go, Machop!" said the other. The other trainer was wearing a red training suit with white stripes on it.

Caterpie always had a dream to be on a quest with a trainer, but not like a Team Galactic dream.

"Look, a Caterpie!" said the Galactic member. "Cater!" said the Caterpie, crawling away.

The Wurmple was watching the Caterpie crawl into a hole in the ground, escaping from the Galactic member. The Wurmple once had a dream to be with other Pokemon on a team, but now he is trapped with a Team Galactic grunt.

"Wurm!" said the Wurmple, and it crawled away from the battle, following the Caterpie into the hole. The Galactic grunt was stumped.

"Where did my Wurmple go?" he asked. The other trainer walked away, heading for the Gym in town. The Caterpie was in the hole, deeper and deeper every second, when he heard the sound of another worm.

"Wurm, wurmple!" said the Wurmple. (Translation: I escaped from the trainer!). "Cater! Caterpie!" said the scared little bug. (Good! I bet it was torcher!). "Wurm!" the worm exclamed. (Yeah!).

"Cater, caterpie!" said the green Caterpie. (Now, let's get out of this hole!). After a while, the two worms got out of the hole, and saw a trainer worthy of being caught by.

It was a trainer, with a Chimchar and a Mankey by his side. He had blonde hair and was wearing a green jacket with a black shirt under it. The Chimchar had light scarlet fur and light brown fur around his stomach. The Chimchar had bruises for past battle. The Mankey had dark brown fur and light brown around the stoumach also. He had a few scars from past battles.

"Okay, go use a Ember on that Beautifly over there, Chimmy!" said the trainer. As ordered, the Chimchar attacked the butterfly Pokemon, knocking it out. "Good job!" said the trainer.

Caterpie was already heading to the trainer when he saw a huge cat Pokemon walk up to the trainer, with a Team Galactic grunt standing aside it. "Hey, what are you doing?" the trainer asked. "Scaring all the Pokemon away from this land, so we can make the new team Galactic base." said the grunt.

The Wurmple came out of hiding and attacked the Purugly. "Wurm!" it said, attacking it. The Purugly got up and tried to attack the Wurmple, but it dodged it and hid behind the trainer's Mankey. "Monty, use Close Combat!" said the trainer. The monkey jumped up and attacked the fat cat.

"My Purugly!" said the grunt, walking away. "You may have won this time, but next time, Team Galactic will shine!" said the grunt. The trainer looked at the Wurmple and said "Hi. I'm DM. What's your name?" the trainer said.

"Wurm!" said the Wurmple. The Caterpie crawled out of the hole and saw the Wurmple. The Caterpie crawled over to the trainer, and felt a bond she never felt. "I'm going to like you!" said DM. The Caterpie just crawled around hs leg, smiling the whole time. "Okay guys, I'll be back tomorrow!" DM told the bugs.

Chapter Two: DM v.s Team Galactic

Caterpie woke up and crawled out of his hole, but saw the plains where he lived were being controled by Team Galactic. Caterpie was looking for DM when he saw him facing a grunt.

"Bones, use Rock Throw!" said DM. A Bonsly picked up the rocks and tossed them at the Croagunk. The attack knocked out the fighting frog. "Croagunk, return! You are so weak!" the grunt said.

Caterpie crawled over to DM, crawling around his leg. The Wurmple came a while later, but DM needed help now. "Hello, DM. I've heard you're trying to stop the building of our base." said the member. She had pink hair and wore the same outfit as everyone else.

"My name is Saturn. I'm a Galactic commander." said Saturn. The Wurmple was ready for a battle, but the Caterpie just backed up. "Come on Caterpie!" DM said. The Caterpie crawled over to DM and stood by Wurmple. "Go, Golbat!" said Saturn. Wurmple and Chimmy were sent out.

"In that case, come out, Bronzor!" Saturn commanded. "Wurmple, Poison Sting on Golbat! Chimmy, Ember on Bronzor." DM commanded. "Golbat use Wing Attack on the Wurmple! Bronzor use a Confusion on Chimchar." Saturn said.

Wurmple got attacked before it could attack, but it got back up and used a poison sting on the Golbat. The Golbat stood perfectly still. Chimmy used a Ember on the Bronzor, knocking it out.

"Ugghh! Return! Go, Golbat!" said Saturn. Now, two Golbats stood in front of a Wurmple, Chimchar duo. "Chimmy, use Flamethrower on both!" DM said. Chimmy used Flamethrower, knocking one out, but the other dodged it some how. "Whoa!" DM said.

The Golbat used a Wing Attack on the Wurmple. "Wurm!" said the Wurmple, trying to crawl away. The Golbat hit the worm hard enough to knock it out.

"Cater!" said the Caterpie. Chimmy used an Ember and combined it with a scratch. "Chim!" said Chimmy. The Ember knocked it on the ground, but the scratch knocked it out.

"You win this time, DM!" said Saturn. The Caterpie felt lonely and wanted a home, so he asked DM if he could catch her. "Okay." DM said. DM pulled out a Pokeball and threw it at the Caterpie. It wiggled once, twice and...
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Last edited by Diamond_Master; 03-01-2008 at 03:33 PM.
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  #2  
Old 02-26-2008, 02:17 AM
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Default Re: Who Likes Bugs?

Ready for grade
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  #3  
Old 02-28-2008, 08:16 AM
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Default Re: Who Likes Bugs?

Although it has a great plot and could be really great, sadly, this story is not nearly ready for a grade. The entire story is clumped together in one chunk, extremely hard to understand and such. It's difficult to read, and I can tell that it has the opportunity to become a great story with a little grammar usage and a little more description.

I would suggest that you check out the How to Write Stories Thread (click it!), for a better understanding of how to make your story tip-top shape and ready for a grade!

Good luck! :)
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Last edited by Splishee; 02-28-2008 at 08:26 AM.
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  #4  
Old 02-28-2008, 12:37 PM
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Default Re: Who Likes Bugs?

I made it into paragraphes.
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Old 03-01-2008, 01:21 PM
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Default Re: Who Likes Bugs?

Sorry, but did you read over the 'paragraph' section of the link I provided?

Once you split the story into paragraphs respectively (that is, when someone speaks or when something new happens) I will be happy to grade this for you.

You should try writing it like this:

"Cater!" said the Caterpie. Some kids were watching a Caterpie crawl on a stick. The sun was burning down on the kids. It was in the middle of summer, so the Caterpie was looking for attention.

"Ew!" said a kid. The Caterpie felt left out, and walked, or crawled, away.

Then, the Caterpie came across a battle.

"Go, Wurmple!" said the trainer. The trainer was dressed in a weird outfit and had blue hair.

Etc etc..
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Old 03-01-2008, 03:34 PM
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Default Re: Who Likes Bugs?

Okay, now I'm finished.
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  #7  
Old 03-02-2008, 05:27 AM
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Default Re: Who Likes Bugs?

Grade

Plot

Told from the Caterpie’s perspective, the bug Pokemon is being made fun of by children in the summer’s heat. Saddened, Caterpie wonders into the woods where he sees members of Team Galactic fighting with a Wurmple. Caterpie crawls under a rock in disgust, not wanting to be captured by the Team Galactic members, and the Wurmple follows suit. After a while, they come across a trainer named DM, who seems friendly enough. After a while, they come across a trainer with a Chimchar and a Mankey. After battling a wild Pokemon and a Galactic Grunt, the trainer promises that he will come and see them again.

After DM comes to see them again, he gets into a brawl with a Galactic Commander, named Saturn. After their tough battle, Caterpie asks if he could be captured by DM.

What happened to the Wurmple? You never told us what happened to that little guy, and you never said why DM was trying to stop Galactic from building their base. Try not to leave plotholes like this in the future - it can be confusing for the reader.

Other than that, for a Caterpie, this plot was great! I liked how you made it from the bug’s point of view, and although it’s a very over-used plotline (trainer comes and tries to defeat Team Rocket/Galactic, blah blah) you made it good with it being told from Caterpie’s perspective. Bear in mind that this plotline won’t carry through in later stories where you will be aiming for harder Pokemon, however.

Introduction

What’s the most important thing in any introduction?

‘Who, What, Where, When and Why.’

Unfortunately, although your introduction included ‘who’ (Caterpie) and ‘when’ (the middle of summer) if failed to show anything else. Where exactly were they? The middle of a forest? In the kid’s backyard? Why was the Caterpie there? All these things are essential to create a good introduction.

However, I liked how you included some of Caterpie’s emotions about the situation here: meaning, you said how he felt left out and wanted attention, which, as we found out later, was a part of his desire to find a trainer.

So, for a Caterpie, and your first story - it was fine. But make sure to include the 5 W’s above in future stories!

Length

Good work! Caterpie, being one of the easiest Pokemon to catch, requires 3,000 to 5,000 characters of a story. Your story was 5.5 thousand characters - you went over it! Good work! It’s good that you were keen when trying to catch the Pokemon.

Grammar

Well, you obviously had that issue at the beginning of all your paragraphs being too cluttered, yeah? You resolved it nicely, even though there are still a few paragraphs that need checking. Namely, these include:

Quote:
"Bones, use Rock Throw!" said DM. A Bonsly picked up the rocks and tossed them at the Croagunk. The attack knocked out the fighting frog. "Croagunk, return! You are so weak!" the grunt said.
Quote:
"Wurm, wurmple!" said the Wurmple. (Translation: I escaped from the trainer!). "Cater! Caterpie!" said the scared little bug. (Good! I bet it was torcher!). "Wurm!" the worm exclamed. (Yeah!).
Those both should be separated after you say that each character speaks, and in the case of the second one, after each ‘translation‘.

About the translations - although it is a creative and nifty idea, it really would have been better for the reader if you had just written what they had said in English, pretending it was Pokemon language. Writing doesn’t have to be drop-dead realistic, especially in the world of Pokemon!

Also, you had spelling errors in that - ‘torcher’ was supposed to be ‘torture’, and ’exclamed’ is meant to be ’exclaimed’? Simple spelling errors like that could be avoided if you made the effort to type up your story in Microsoft Word, or look up words in the dictionary if you are unsure. In MS Word, all words misspelled are underlined with red, which is always helpful if you have trouble with spelling.

Quote:
"Scaring all the Pokemon away from this land, so we can make the new team Galactic base." said the grunt.
Every time the text that someone has spoken ends, there should be a comma before the speech mark. It is still in the same sentence, meaning that it should be separated with a comma if direct speech is following it. So, it should be:

”Scaring all the Pokemon away from this land, so we can make the new Team Galactic base,” said the grunt.

You also had a lot of little errors, but none big enough to mention. You know what? That is really good - I could find hardly anything that was wrong with it grammar-wise, after you fixed up all those paragraphs! Good work!

Description

There really wasn’t much of it, but you had the bare necessities - such as, describing what people looked like. That is enough for a Caterpie, but if you were to aim for higher-level Pokemon, you would require more than that.

What kind of description? Well, things such as the surroundings, feelings, smells and sounds are great places to start. Try and imagine what you’re describing in your head, and gradually put in the sounds you can hear, what the scenery would feel like to touch - you know, things like that! That simple exercise will make your story’s descriptions seem so much more lifelike and interesting!

Although the description was just fine for such a simple Pokemon, you should try and work on those skills in describing things. It will make your writing seem so much more entertaining and fun - and will definitely help you try and catch harder Pokemon!

Battle

You had a few battles, and, again, the descriptions in your battles were - okay. The very first battle with DM and the Galactic member was definitely too short and one-sided, however. Even though a fighting move is strong against the normal type Pokemon, a small Pokemon such as Chimchar without the STAB probably wouldn’t be able to take down the Pokemon. You should try and keep the battle as 2-sided and realistic as possible.

In the big decider battle, it was fairly one sided - so good job! You had a great variety of attacks which made the battle all the more interesting, but the only problem was that you didn’t really describe the attacks adquetly. You should always picture what the attacks look like in your mind - or even picture what they would look like in the anime! The anime gives great examples of how attacks are interpreted from the game, and your story should be able to describe those attacks with your own unique interpretation, also!

I don’t mean to sound harsh, because the variety and length of the last battle was fine for a Caterpie, but if you wanted to make your stories more entertaining and life-like, describing Pokemon attacks in battle is a great place to start.

Outcome

Was it a capture? Has Caterpie finally found his owner? Well, every section was definitely good enough for the Caterpie, even if some were better than others. I appreciate that you went to the effort to fix up your obvious grammar issues at the start, also. So, overall.. Caterpie Captured!. Have fun with your bug!
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