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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 02-23-2008, 01:55 AM
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Default A Shocking Discovery!

Difficulty:Simple
Pokemon wanted:Pichu
Characters : 5554
Difficulty: Simple.
Pokemon wanted: Pichu

A Shocking Discovery!

Korey was a twelve year old boy. He had absolutely no friends at school. He didn’t have any friends at school due to the fact that that he always wore the same green shirt, along with blue shorts. He always wore his Pokemon visor, which had a picture of a Riolu. Korey also was an only child, living with his mother in Pewter city. Pewter city was a beautiful site, along with many other homes, a Pokemon gym, and a fossil museum. Korey only had one friend, and that was his trusty Riolu. Riolu and Korey would sit for hours, playing at the park, and playing in their small home.

One sunny Saturday, in the middle of July, Korey was challenged to a two on two battle from one of his enemies, Philip. Philip was a rich punk-like kid, with the best clothes and best house and family. He would always brag about his lustrous possessions, about his one of a kind Pokemon, and how they have never lost a single battle ever. Korey got really frustrated by this, and thus, went out to search for his new Pokemon.

Korey went out on a sunny day. The birds were chirping, the squirrels were eating there nuts, and it was just a perfect day. Korey decided that him and Riolu would go out to the Old warehouse by the lake. The warehouse was an old, rundown building that has been standing for thirty years. The warehouse was deserted for 15 years, and the only thing living in there was Pokemon. Electric Pokemon, Steel Pokemon, and Rock type Pokemon. About an hour and a half later, Korey and his trusty pal, Riolu, arrived at the sinister looking building.

Korey looked down at the confused Riolu, and said, “What’s wrong, Riolu?”

Riolu then looked at his brave owner, with his big brown eyes, and managed to squeek out a high pitched “Riolu!” Riolu then started to run away from the building, scared out of it’s mind.

Korey and Riolu returned to the old warehouse the next day. But today, it was very gloomy out and it was raining somewhat heavily.

On there way to the warehouse, they get stopped by an angry Pichu. The Pichu had dark yellow fur, and its ears were drooped down because of the rain. The Pichu suddenly jumped out of a tree, yelled “PICHU!”
The thundershock that Pichu had blasted at Riolu was even stronger due to the rain, and Riolu barely survived.

Riolu then fell down onto the wet, grass. Riolu, now terrified, got up, and decided it was time to fight back. Riolu quickly picked itself up, and decided to fight back. Riolu, charged at the angry Pichu and used Force Palm. Force Palm left the Pichu paralyzed, but the Pichu was down, not out.

The Pichu, still a tiny bit slower, ran up to the Riolu and used a wild quick attack.

Korey yelled out to the Riolu, “Riolu, jump over the pichu and use force palm once more!”

Riolu did exactly what Korey said, and knocked the Pichu flying into a bush.

The Pichu was unable to get up. It was paralyzed, and was very tired. It twitched a couple of times, and then layed in the grassy, wet bush, motionless.

Korey then realized that the Pichu was hurt, then quickly yelled at the Riolu, “Riolu, come back!” Riolu then returned to the pokeball and Korey put it away in his belt. Korey then, picked out a great ball from his pocket, and tossed it across the grassy area. It was very wet which made it even harder. As soon as the great ball reached the Pichu, it immediately zapped Pichu up into it. It wiggled once, twice, and then…

Part 2

The Pichu broke free of the pokeball, after the pokeball wiggled twice. As soon as the Pichu got loose, Korey’s face suddenly became a frown. Korey was so sure that he would’ve caught the weakened Pichu, but he thought wrong. So Korey sent his tired Riolu at the Pichu at full charge. The Pichu suddenly became frightened, and got up as fast as it could, and got out of the way. Korey knew he wasn’t doing the right thing, sending his tired Riolu full charge at a helpless scrawny Pichu. Korey fell down to the floor, weeping and crying at what he had done. He realized he did the wrong thing.

Later, the next day…

Korey took the injured Pichu to the Pokemon Center. After that, he brought the Pichu back to his house, and gave it some Pokemon treats. Korey was in one of the worst state of his life. He had nightmares about that night, where he sent the Riolu at the helpless Pichu. “No!” Korey tosses and turns around his bed, “No, I didn’t mean it! I swear…”
Later that afternoon, Korey went outside with the Riolu. To his surprise, the Pichu was back and wanted a re-match. Korey said, “Go, Riolu!” Korey throws the pokeball onto the grass in front of his house. It was a sunny day, and that was good for Riolu.

Pichu started first. He charged at the Riolu with a mighty force, but Riolu used a wicked force palm attack as it came in contact with Pichu, sending Pichu flying 100 yards away.

After that, The Pichu returned, but this time, from behind them. Pichu did a surprise quick attack and knocked the Riolu down. Riolu, quick to return to it’s feet, used the move counter. It sat in the grass, focused on the move, then when Pichu striked, Riolu returned the favor, and sent Pichu flying once again.
This time, Pichu lay there for about 5 mintues. It wagged it’s tail a couple times, but never moved anything else.

Korey decided this was his chance. He would take one more shot at the Pichu, because he had a battle set to happen in one hour, and he didn’t want to look like a chicken if he quit. So Korey threw one last poke ball, hoping for it to catch. It rolled on the grassy plain once, twice, and..
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Last edited by korey19; 02-24-2008 at 02:58 AM.
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  #2  
Old 02-23-2008, 09:56 PM
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Default Re: A Shocking Discovery!

Story/Plot: Korey and Riolu venture into the forest, but once they pass a bush, the Pokemon gets frightened and runs away. The trainer catches his friend, and they return home. The next day they go back out and the boy discovers that a Pichu had been in the bush and had scared his Pokemon. They battle and he attempts to capture it.

I know that this is your first story ever, but I have to say that this was a very bad and inadequate plot. The concept of a child going into the woods and happening upon a Pokemon has been done to death, much to the point where a grader is tempted to fail the story right when they see it.

Your character isn’t very in-depth either. We don’t get any insight as to the inner workings of Korey, and we barely are given a description of what he looks like. Characters are very, very important in a tale, and they need to be developed on.

Introduction Well, we are given a very, very brief description of what he looks like and his age, but that is it. We need background information on Korey, but all we know is that he wakes up and goes into the forest.

Grammar/Spelling: This wasn’t very good at all. You had a lot of problems with punctuation, commas, etc.

A major issue that we saw here was that you failed to capitalize “Pokemon”. Since it is, indeed, a proper noun, it should be capitalized at all times…. And that goes for its attacks, Pokemon names, etc, as well. (Days of the week, like Saturday, need to be capitalized too.)

Another error that I noticed was that you used the number “12” instead of actually spelling out the word “twelve”. It is mandated by basic grammar that all numbers less than 100 are to be spelled out.

About halfway through the story, you switched from past tense to present tense with your verbs. Pick one and stick with it, for if you keep switching back and forth, it tends to confuse the reader.

Length: This wasn’t even half of what you should have had for a Simple Pokemon. It is outlined that you should have at least 5,000 characters, but you have only 2,800 here. This hurt you very, very much. It is not difficult at all to add length to a story, especially the slim amount of 5,000. Also, next time, remember to count the characters in the story to make sure you have enough and then post them at the beginning/end of the story so that the grader doesn’t have to add them up for you.

Detial/Description: There was none. You didn’t give any description whatsoever, and I am not exaggerating when I say that. We need to know every little detail about what the character is experiencing so that we, too, can envision it. You didn’t tell about the forest in any way, and how you described Korey was very skimpy. Detail is practically the basis of a story, so it really hurts you when you fail to tell about all of the aspects to the tale.

What was the forest like? Did sunlight pour through the branches, dappling the emerald leaves beneath? Or was it a grim, sinister place where a cold wind enveloped the surroundings and the branches stuck out like the gnarled hands of a witch? Tell as much as possible. And that goes for the Pokemon’s attacks/descriptions as well.

Finally, your word choice is very basic. Try to expand your vocabulary and stay away from the elementary words that are often associated with a child.

Battle: It was barely four sentences long. Even though a Pichu versus a Riolu is easy to determine, it would definitely have lasted longer than this. There was not but one attack from each side, while, if this were to have passed, there should have been a minimum of four from each.

The attacks were not described at all! We need to see what is going on…..you cannot just say that the Pichu used a Thundershock on the Riolu and be done with it…..we need to SEE it! We need to know what it looked like when it happened!

Outcome: Even though this was your first story, you didn’t do well at all, and even if I was to go a bit easy on you, you still would’ve come up much, much too short. I hate to say it, but you failed in every category. “Work on it” is all that I can tell you, because if you just left it like this, you wouldn’t catch any Pokemon…..probably not even a Caterpie. Pichu Not Captured! Keep everything I said in mind, and if you do a lot of work on this, I will do a re-grade for you.
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  #3  
Old 02-24-2008, 02:59 AM
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Default Re: A Shocking Discovery!

I edited it. Now need the re-grade.

~korey
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  #4  
Old 02-26-2008, 10:38 PM
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Default Re: A Shocking Discovery!

REGRADE!!! (:o NO WAI!)


Alright, I see that you added a bit more to your story...

The character, who had before seemed paper-thin, was given much more substance, which is excellent. You gave us the reason for his lonliness, his motives toward battling his rival, etc. Good.

The plot remained quite dull..... You changed the 'forest' to a 'warehouse', and had the Pichu run away a couple times. It seemed a bit more confusing to me..... I didn't really get why you had that little excerpt about him battling his rival only to have the scene quickly change to him traveling to the warehouse. Try to keep your priorities straight.

You added a good portion more to the battle, having the Pichu use a few quick attacks, Riolu use Counter & Force Palm, etc. I was still really disappointed at the lack of detail in the story.... That is what you should have / need to work on the most in future stories.

Okay. I can tell that you really want this Pichu, what with the improved story & your constant PM-ing me (lol, just kidding)..... I am still a bit sketchy on whether or not the story deserves this Pokemon, but since this is your first story & you are so dedicated, I'll say Pichu Captured!. You can't get by on the fact that you are new to the URPG anymore, so you will need to work extra hard on your future stories. Until then, have fun with the little electric mouse. ^_^
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Old 02-26-2008, 11:49 PM
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Default Re: A Shocking Discovery!

Quote:
Originally Posted by BryceBoy10 View Post
REGRADE!!! (:o NO WAI!)


Alright, I see that you added a bit more to your story...

The character, who had before seemed paper-thin, was given much more substance, which is excellent. You gave us the reason for his lonliness, his motives toward battling his rival, etc. Good.

The plot remained quite dull..... You changed the 'forest' to a 'warehouse', and had the Pichu run away a couple times. It seemed a bit more confusing to me..... I didn't really get why you had that little excerpt about him battling his rival only to have the scene quickly change to him traveling to the warehouse. Try to keep your priorities straight.

You added a good portion more to the battle, having the Pichu use a few quick attacks, Riolu use Counter & Force Palm, etc. I was still really disappointed at the lack of detail in the story.... That is what you should have / need to work on the most in future stories.

Okay. I can tell that you really want this Pichu, what with the improved story & your constant PM-ing me (lol, just kidding)..... I am still a bit sketchy on whether or not the story deserves this Pokemon, but since this is your first story & you are so dedicated, I'll say Pichu Captured!. You can't get by on the fact that you are new to the URPG anymore, so you will need to work extra hard on your future stories. Until then, have fun with the little electric mouse. ^_^
Ok, thank you. I will have fun with him.

~korey
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