Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 03-22-2008, 03:06 PM
Venusaur456's Avatar
Venusaur456 Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: <3Paired with Yumi<3
Posts: 2,645
Default Splash City

Pokemon Trying To Catch: Buizel
Characters Needed: 5k-10k
Characters (Not Including Spaces): 5,002 O_O
Characters (Including Spaces): 6,142

Chapter 1

I was at a city with lots of flowers in the Sinnoh region, but I don’t know what it’s called. I am a teen with a green shirt and green pants. I am nice to other people, but I hate it when people frustrate me. Right now, I have a job watering berries. I am watering a berry bush right now, but I don’t know what it was called either. No one in this city told me anything.

“Are you done watering the berry bush yet?” asked the lady who gave me the job. “Just about,” I replied.

I heard a crowd in the distance. “What’s that crowd?” I asked the lady. The lady looked both ways as if it was a secret, then said softly “People are trying to catch the Pokemon Buizel. Do you know what Pokemon that is?” asked the lady. “Buizel? Refresh my memory,” I said. “A water Pokemon that looks like a weasel. One of its moves is Aqua Jet,” said the lady. “I have to catch one!” I exclaimed. “Just water these berries first. We have three more to go,” said the lady. “Okay, fine,” I said. I walked toward the Pokemon center.

Chapter 2

I was now at the Pokemon center, healing my Pokemon, Bulbasaur and Poochyena. I stayed at the Pokemon center for the night.

I couldn’t sleep at all. I was thinking about catching Buizel. I would let Bulbasaur use Razor Leaf. Then the Buizel would be helpless, not attacking. And I would throw a Pokeball.

Then I heard something sounding like a weasel. A Buizel, that is. I rub Bulbasaur and Poochyena awake. “Guys, wake up. Let’s go catch that Buizel,” I said.

We walked out of the Pokemon center, and followed the noise. We were almost there when…

Chapter 3

Three Buizel got in our way, and knocked us into a hole. “Aaaaah! I’m too young to die!” I said. “BUBBBA! POOOOOCHY!” my Pokemon screamed.

But we didn’t die. We only fell four feet. “Ooooookey. I guess I’m not going to die,” I said. I looked around.

It looked like Buizel city! There were Buizel and buildings! Two Buizel came up and put us in straitjackets. “Buiiiiizel!” they said. “Are you a guard or something?” I asked. “Buizel,” said the Buizel, nodding. Then I got the feeling we were going to Pokemon jail.

The Buizel walked us into a huge building (at least to the Buizels). It was about 6 feet tall, and it had bars like it was a jail cell. With that, three more Buizel came. They all pushed us into the cell and locked us in. The Buizel slapped hands and went away.

“Let us out of here! We didn’t do anything!” I screamed. Poochyena howled right at the moon. Bulbasaur moaned.

Then a Buizel came through an unseen room and gave us a bucket of sesame seeds. “We’re supposed to eat this?!” I asked. But the Buizel left without answering me.

Chapter 4

I was beginning to loose hope of coming back to being a pokemon trainer. “GREAT POKEMON TRAINER CAPTURED BY BUIZEL!” the news would say. How embarrassing that would be.

Then, I looked at my Poketch. It said 7:15 A.M.

The same Buizel that had gave us seeds yesterday came in and gave us a seedy breakfast. It was a pancake with sesame seeds. “I never knew Buizel were so intelligent,” I said to no one in particular.

Then I looked through the bars for the first time. They were spread out very far. Not far enough for me, but far enough for Poochyena. That gave me an idea.

“Poochyena, squeeze through those bars and try to find the key for this cage, okay?” I said to Poochyena. “Poochy!” answered Poochyena, and went through the bars.

A few minutes later, Poochyena appeared and went through the bars. “Pooch,” said the Poochyena, and he spit out the key. “Thanks, Poochy,” I said, fitting the key through the lock.

Chapter 5

“Bulbasaur, use Solar Beam on those Buizel!” I said. “Bubbba! Saur!” Bulbasaur said. But while Bulbasaur was absorbing sunlight, the Buizel ran up and out of the hole. “Bulbasaur, follow them!” I said.

My Pokemon and I ran to the hole opening. But how could we get up there?

I looked at Bulbasaur. Then I remembered that he can climb. Plus, he has vines that he can shoot. “Bulbasaur, climb up to the top of the opening!” I said. Bulbasaur climbed up the hole and looked down from the top. “Use Vine Whip as a rope!” I said. “Bulbazor!” said Bulbasaur, shooting a vine down.

Poochyena and I grabbed onto the rope. We climbed up, and then my pokemon and I ran after the Buizel.

Bulbasaur was trying to Vine Whip the Buizel. But the Buizel dodged so fast plus ran fast that Bulbasaur couldn’t Vine Whip then.

We ran across the bridge into Eterna Forest. Bulbasaur never gave up on Vine Whipping them.

Then the Buizel went through a small hole that none of my Pokemon could fit through. The only way to get to the side was to climb over it.

It wasn't a very big climb. It was maybe 7 feet tall.

“Bulbasaur, do the same thing we did to get out of the hole!” I said to Bulba. Bulba climbed the seven feet and then shot a vine down to us. Again my Pokemon and I got on. We climbed up the vine until we got to the top.

Then we looked down at the other side. We saw the Buizel pretty far away. “Come on, we have to catch up with them!” I said to my Pokemon. We ran after them.

On the way, since it was night time, we saw some Murkrow and Mismagius in the forest. We past a cabin in which it looked like someone lived in.

Even now Bulbasaur was still Vine Whipping. We were gaining on the Buizels pretty fast. But suddenly, and Buizel used Aqua Jet on us. “Aagh!” I said. I was down.

When I got up, the Buizel were maybe 13 feet away. “We still can’t give up!” I said. Yet again, we ran after the Buizel. Bulbasaur probably felt like me, too. He was still Vine Whipping. He almost got one, actually.

Then, something weird happened. Instead of us gaining on the Buizel, the Buizel started to get away! “No!!!!” I screamed. But then it became my lucky day.

A dead end had came. The Buizel stopped and actually started battling.

They were spinning through the air using Aqua Jet. Bulbasaur finally got hold of a Buizel with his vine. “Bubba!” said Bulbasaur happily.

While Poochyena and I were dodging the flying Buizel, Bulbasaur was squeezing the Buizel extremely hard.

“Okay, let go of it, Bulbasaur!” I said. Bulbasaur let go.

I took a Pokeball out of my backpack. I gripped it, threw and it and the Buizel was…
__________________
<3Paired with hot Yumi<3

VPP URPG

Currently: Playing ball with me|Is Level 5|Level 6: 2,646 posts

Last edited by Venusaur456; 04-13-2008 at 09:04 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 03-22-2008, 03:07 PM
Venusaur456's Avatar
Venusaur456 Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: <3Paired with Yumi<3
Posts: 2,645
Default Re: Splash City

Ready for grading
__________________
<3Paired with hot Yumi<3

VPP URPG

Currently: Playing ball with me|Is Level 5|Level 6: 2,646 posts
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-05-2008, 03:10 AM
Phantom Kat's Avatar
Phantom Kat Offline
ˇCon ganas!
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: In my strretchy pants
Posts: 5,018
Send a message via AIM to Phantom Kat Send a message via MSN to Phantom Kat
Default Re: Splash City

Couldn't answer to your PM yesterday and the lights went out right after I got back from school. Oh well, here' your grade. =3

Plot: So a trainer (why didn’t you name him? D=) hears about Buizel and after he hears one, he goes and capture it. However, three Buizel push him down to a Buizel city and a guard locks him in a cage. After escaping, they follow the weasels up the hole, pass a bridge, and finally corner them. Bulbasaur grabs a Buizel and squeezes him hard and soon, the trainer throws the Poke Ball at the Water type.

It was different, I’ll give you that. It still had to do about a trainer trying to catch a Pokemon but you added a twist that didn’t make it like every other “kid tries to catch a Pokemon” story. However, it was very random because each scene jumped from one to the other with no smooth transition. One minute he’s watering a nameless plant in a nameless town and the next, he’s at the Pokemon Center going out to catch that Buizel. I thought the intro was some sort of dream at first with how vague everything was but it wasn’t.

This story could have turned out great if you didn’t jump from one scene to the other and explained things that were happening. Why did the Buizel throw him into their town and locked him up? Why were the Buizel running out of the hole when he got out? You need to slow down you story and explain these kind of things. Since you didn’t do that, I was left wondering about those things and that isn’t a good thing unless you’re going to continue the story and explain those things later (and even then you don’t want your story totally vague.) Take your time, don’t rush through your story, it isn’t going anywhere. Make sure you explain everything that’s happening, give reasons as to why things happened. Also, make each scene flow to the other, don’t cut it and simply jump into the next scene so suddenly it makes the readers’ heads spin.

Introduction: So a trainer hears about a Buizel after he’s watering plants in a nameless town and when he gets to the Pokemon Center that night, he hears a Buizel and runs after it.

The intro was very vague. You introduced your character in two sentences by telling us what colors were his clothes and a but about his personality and that was it. We need get a good picture of your main character (which means giving them a name) by not only describing his clothes but his hair, eyes, and even his background can help us. Anything that you can think of about your character, put it in your introduction and not in only one or two sentences but, at the least, a good paragraph. The same goes for his surroundings. What did they surroundings look like, where was he? Tells us about the people around him, the buildings, the Pokemon, anything you can think of. Use colors, smells, the sense of touch, and the sounds that your character is hearing all around him.

Another thing that bothered me was that your character seemed randomly placed in the introduction, you didn’t give us a reason why he was there and I hardly think the trainer is absolutely clueless about what he is doing there. Did he enter the town and somehow ended up watering a lady’s berry bushes? Did he destroy some stuff in a story and was watering the berries to pay off the damage? Give us a reason, make it clear to us as to why he’s where he is and doing what he is doing. Your introduction is one of the most important parts of your story because it opens up your story. You don’t want your readers confused by the first three lines of the story and refuse to read the rest, do you?

Grammar/Spelling: This was okay, I didn’t see any glaring mistakes so good job on that. I did see some things I wanted to point out:

Quote:
On the way, since it was night time, we saw some Murkrow and Mismagius’s in the forest. We past a cabin in which it looked like someone lived in.
Quote:
Three Buizels got in our way, and knocked us into a hole.
The plural of every Pokemon’s name is the same as the singular form like “one sheep” and “a dozen sheep”. You don’t need to add anything.

Quote:
We have 3 more to go,
All numbers below 100 should be spelled out so “3” become “three” and so on.

Quote:
I took a poke ball out of my backpack.
All Pokemon related things are capitalized so “poke ball” should be “Poke Ball”, “pokemon center” to “Pokemon Center” and so on.

Length: This was good, nice job.

Description/Detail: There was very minimal. The most description you gave was that one sentences about your character about the colors of his clothes. We need to SEE your story and everything in it. The characters from their hair to their clothes and the Pokemon to their size to their fur color; we need to see it all. Close your eyes, see the object in your mind, and write it down. Use all of your senses, not only sight. What did the Buizel city look like? Were buildings as tall as the trainer himself standing and were Buizel bustling around like some kind of alternative New York City? What did the city that the trainer was first in look like? Did the flowers smell beautiful? Did the jade grass beneath him tickle his legs?

Something else, as well. Just because we’re in a Pokemon forum doesn’t mean you can get away with not describing the Pokemon. Describe them as though we had never seen one, mention the color of their fur to their tails to their special little features like Buizel’s split tail and Bulbasaur’s green bulb on his back.

Battle: Except for Bulbasaur’s constant Vine Whip, we don’t even know if he managed to do any damage, there was none. You need a battle of some sort against the Pokemon you’re catching, a simple squeeze from a vine is not enough. Make Bulbasaur actually fight Buizel, make it like the anime in where they shoot off attacks and dodge. As they do, describe the attacks as thought I was seeing the anime. From their color to how they were crated to how they hit and injured the Pokemon. Use your surroundings for disadvantages and advantages, make the battle come to life. For a Simple Pokemon, about three attacks from each side would do and as you go for harder Pokemon, your battles need to become as exciting and descriptive as possible.

Outcome: You had a good idea here but the story was random with each scene skipping suddenly to the other. Also, there was no description or detail and the battle was none-existent. Sorry but Buizel not captured! Make the plot not so random by explaining what happens, add description to both the characters and the surroundings, and add a good battle between Buizel and the trainer. Do that and the little orange weasel is yours. =)

- Kat
__________________

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce

Last edited by Phantom Kat; 04-05-2008 at 03:22 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-06-2008, 04:34 PM
Venusaur456's Avatar
Venusaur456 Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: <3Paired with Yumi<3
Posts: 2,645
Default Re: Splash City

I guess:

Ready For Regrade
__________________
<3Paired with hot Yumi<3

VPP URPG

Currently: Playing ball with me|Is Level 5|Level 6: 2,646 posts
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-06-2008, 05:19 PM
Phantom Kat's Avatar
Phantom Kat Offline
ˇCon ganas!
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: In my strretchy pants
Posts: 5,018
Send a message via AIM to Phantom Kat Send a message via MSN to Phantom Kat
Default Re: Splash City

Honestly, you didn't fix anything. The only thing I saw was you changing "3" to "three" (why didn't you do that to the rest of the numbers =/) and capitalize "Pokemon". There is still no battle, no description, and the plot is still skippy. Until you fix what I told you, Buizel not captured!

- Kat
__________________

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:38 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com