Danny is on Cycling Road when suddenly Wayward Cave blows up and destroys the bridge. He finds that Team Galactic has caused it, and Mars comes to attack him with Glameow. A shiny Magikarp mysteriously blocks the Faint Attack, but Mars steals both Pokémon A discouraged Danny meets up with his brother, Sean, and they go to Veilstone to rescue the Pokémon. A battle follows between Empoleon and Drapion, and Eevee and Magikarp are finally freed. Eevee evolves into Umbreon, kicks Drapion's stinger all the way to Venus, and then they escape. Magikarp promptly engages Danny in a battle, and though Umbreon is almost defeated, Danny tries to catch it.
It was a great plot for a Magikarp, though a lot of stuff happened in just 3,500 characters. The fight against Team [insert here] is pretty common, but this was told in a rather interesting way. I sort of wish it had been developed more; what did Team Galactic want with Mesprit in the first place? But, all the same, it was much better than a common Magikarp plot… In which a kid goes fishing. (Though this DID seem a bit like a rip off of the games)
The most annoying part was, for me, Tommy not attacking the Galactic member when he took Eevee in the first place. I mean… he had an Empoleon and a Luxio for goodness sakes.
The first paragraph was a run-on sentence, but you did explain more with it then anywhere else in the story. A good introduction should be a nice, solid block with lots of description. Danny's description was nice, though it could have been better… But what did Eevee look like? You have to assume that I'm a complete idiot and have no idea what any Pokémon look like your whole story through.
You did hook me in, though! I just wish you had described the explosion a little bit more. How did it affect Danny? He was, after all, on the bridge, which was 'completely totaled'. You really should have described everything a bit more, as it would have given me a much, much clearer picture of what was happening.
Um… Yeah. It was frankly pretty bad… Well, if you want the truth, really bad. I don't know if it's some sort of battle with the keyboard or whatever, but it needs a lot of work. Actually, I probably should shut up, because I used to make a lot of the same mistakes (but only while typing for some reason).
<< Danny, an 11-year old trainer with soft brown hair and a "cybernetic jacket" from PokéTopia , and his trusty side kick Eevee just exited Hearthrome city, and cycled up onto the cycling road when a huge explosion blew out of wayward cave and completely totalled the cycling road.>>
Uh, yeah, let's just break this one into pieces. First of all, I count four ands. You should only have 1-2 in most circumstances, so even though it doesn't SHOW as a run-on, it is… I'm going to break it into separate clauses:
<< Danny, an 11-year old trainer with soft brown hair and a "cybernetic jacket" from PokéTopia, and his trusty side kick Eevee just exited Hearthrome city,>>
The first bit is fine, and I'm thrilled that you got the comma after 'Danny', which seems to be a very… disputed… grammar rule. However, there should not be a comma after 'PokéTopia' since it is a compound subject (Danny and his Eevee). Sidekick is also one word, but that doesn't matter as much. Furthermore, there should be a 'had' before 'just' IF the sentence is in past tense. If you wanted the whole thing in the present, 'just' shouldn't be there at all. Since you jumped around a lot, it seems kind of strange. Oh, and it's not 'Hearthrome'.
<< and cycled up onto the cycling road when a huge explosion blew out of wayward cave and completely totalled the cycling road.>>
The first clause can be stuck on to either sentence with no real change. If you decide to just take this section, the first word would be a 'they'. Really, before 'when', there should be a descriptor to make the sentence flow and make more sense. Wayward Cave should be capitalized (remember: proper nouns are people, places, and things!), and totaled is spelled wrong.
So… You'd end up with something like:
<<Danny, an eleven year old trainer with soft brown h hair and a "cybernetic jacket" from PokéTopia and his trusty side kick Eevee had just exited Hearthome city. They had just cycled up onto the Cycling Road when a huge explosion blew out of Wayward Cave and completely totaled it.>>
Yeah, you pretty much made the same mistakes over and over. Some VERY key points about your story are capitalization and tense. You seem to have inserted or left out capital letters whenever you felt like it. I find this site a very good guide for this sort of grammar rule, and they have some excellent stuff about capitalization, so why don't you take a look?
Tense describes a verb, if it describes something in the past, present, or future. (There are also present perfect, past perfect, and future perfect along with several others, but you use these almost without thinking about it, so they don't matter). Past tense, which half of your story was in, looks like this:
<<I washed the dishes.>>
<<I have washed the dishes.>>
<<I had washed the dishes.>>
Present tense, on the other hand, which was the OTHER half, is like this:
<<I wash the dishes.>>
<<I am washing the dishes.>>
<<I am washing the dishes three times this week>>
(Present perfect) ((Utterly confusing rule xD))
Your story needs to be in strictly one of these and its forms, not to jump back and forth.
It needs work. A lot of work. I mostly had no idea of what was going on: the town, the characters, the Pokémon, anything. You need to describe pretty much everything, even if it seems insignificant. Possibly my favorite sentence in the whole thing was the first one, since I actually got a clear enough picture of Danny. Just remember that you're the only one who knows what you see in your mind's eye when you are writing. The reader has no idea unless you paint a very clear picture with your words.
It was two-sided, which is good, but it was almost to the point of being unrealistic. I mean, an Umbreon could never almost die from a Magikarp, unless it was a very weak Umbreon and a freakishly strong Magikarp. Less attacks, more description, I think, even for a Magikarp. Work on what the attacks look like, and not so much on what they are.
The only other terribly, terribly, bothersome part was how… Gameboy-like… it was. Work on some more anime-style battling, with lots of interesting combos and exciting description. Use your surroundings! Use ketchup (They actually did that in the anime)! Use whatever sparks your interest!
Fine; though I really would have liked it about 500 characters longer.
For any other Pokémon, and for any other story, this would be a fail because of the grammar and the battle. But, because of the upbeat plot, the inclusion of an introduction, and because this is your first ever story… Magikarp captured