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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 04-12-2008, 10:09 PM
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Default Daycare Chronicles

Yeah, another chronicles thingy. :P But, I'm going for simple/medium mons, so this shouldn't take long. :o

Simple: Elekid, Pichu, Magby, Zubat, Nidoran [m], Nidoran [f] {30k}
Medium: Psyduck {10k}
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Last edited by Lati-Chan; 05-10-2008 at 07:28 AM.
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  #2  
Old 04-12-2008, 10:35 PM
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Default Re: Daycare Chronicles

Chapter 1 -- Confused much?

The beautiful glimpse of warm sunlight started to shine into Sarah Deep’s bedroom, Sarah was an average girl in the world of Pokémon, except for the fact she didn’t have a Pokémon yet, which was weird for a girl who was the rough age of seventeen. Sarah pulled the colourful electric yellow and strong pink off of her bed, the soft mattress she was sleeping on made a small, eerie screech as she hopped off of it, as it did most mornings. Sarah was wearing her soft, stretchy, baby blue t-shirt, along with her bold pink pyjama bottoms. Sarah walked out of her deep blue themed bedroom and onto the upstairs hallway. Sarah tiptoed around the house, as the chocolate coloured, wooden, creaky floorboards could make a small creak sound like a huge screech.

The house was serene at the time, as it was two hours before Sarah usually got up. She walked across the floor quickly and quietly and turned the cold, copper knob and opened the bathroom door. Inside there were the neatly tiled, dark slate blue walls of the bathroom. Sarah walked towards the sink, she took a small, strong green coloured toothbrush from a small, see-through glass shelf, she scrubbed her beautiful, crystal clear, white teeth up and down continuously, just to make sure they keep that natural shine. She looked at herself in the mirror, with it showing her long, rich blonde and brown hair, and deep azure eyes. She turned on the silver, cold tap and cold water came out. She splashed a little water on her cheeks and around her eyes, just to wake her up.

“Ah, teeth are glowing nice and white, and my eyes are still nice and blue.” Sarah boasted proudly to herself. She opened the bathroom door, and then quickly skipped across to her bedroom, and in she went. The door shut quietly, with a little ‘click’ to signal it. About ten minutes later Sarah came out, wearing a bright, deep sky blue t-shirt that looked the same to the one she was wearing before, except without the creases and it was somewhat cleaner. She also had some tight navy jeans on, along with big, white Nike, boot-like things on; they had small bits of white, soft fur just at the top of them. Sarah heard a small bang, she wasn't sure what it was, when a small, drowsy-looking figure started walking across the hall.

"Emma?" Sarah said, finding it hard to believe that Emma, her seven-year-old little sister was up at this time. "Shouldn't you be in bed?" Sarah questioned unhappily.

"Mommy said that bed is for people who are to lazy to walk, and besides, I want to get a snack." Emma replied, with a small smirk on her face, as well as her bright sienna eyes went big, making sure to look cure to so Sarah wouldn't say 'no'.

"Oh, don't cry. Aw, please don't cry. It's okay Emma." Sarah said worriedly, because if Emma started to cry, everyone would wake up, and Sarah didn't want that in case she got in trouble.

"Ha, I won't cry if you get me a brown-bread sandwich with cheese, oh, and some diet Coca-cola, please." She said, with a devious smirk on her angelic face.

"Fine, wait here. Don't wake mom or dad up, understand?" Sarah ordered, as she looked strictly at Emma's young face, waiting for a reply.

"Yes, sir!" Emma said, raising her voice a little. Emma was told to stay there, but she wanted to sit down, but right out side of her bedroom, there was so no room. So Emma walked on a little, with the end of her pink and white frilly nightdress dragging behind her. She walked into the middle of the hall, and sat down.

Sarah was down the stairs; she walked around the house quietly, even though she knew the olive coloured carpet didn't make sounds like the upstairs floorboards. She walked into the kitchen, the cold, cream coloured tiles, which were substituted for floor, were not very soft at all. Sarah looked around the kitchen, but she couldn't see bread anywhere, from the creamy yellow walls to the rich, wooden presses, she couldn't see any. So she turned her attention to the counter, where she saw the brown-bread. It was a tough, light brown colour. She pulled of the see-through, plastic wrapper and took out two slices of it.

Each slice was sort of crispy and soft at the same time, Sarah put them both on the stainless dark grey coloured counter, and opened a small press underneath it, the bright, beech press was opened, it was the fridge, and inside it, was so many colourful foods of all kinds. She took out a strong orange coloured piece of food; it was square shaped, and has a weird, yet tasty smell to it. She took out the piece of orange food, or cheese as they call it, and she took it out of the plastic wrapping, she took one slice of the stuff, and put it on one slice of the sandwich, and put the other slice on top. Sarah put her hand back into the cold fridge, she took out a small, blood red can, that read in cursive white letters 'diet Coca-cola', Sarah lifted the two of them upstairs again, and seen Emma. She gave the food to Emma, awaiting some appreciation.

"Thank you, Sarah." She said softly and happily. Emma waltzed back into her room, closing the door gently behind her. Sarah walked back into her bedroom again, she jumped on her springy bed, and looked as flat as a pancake, there was a sudden ring, it was a cliché ring too.

"Ooh, the phone." Sarah said quietly. She picked up the eye-hurting red coloured phone and started to talk on it.

"Uh, hello?" Sarah asked confusedly.

"Hi, is Sarah there?" the voice asked.

"Uh, I'm Sarah." Sarah replied happily.

"Oh, Hi, I'm auntie Karen, you're aunt. Well, I run a day-care centre near Verdanturf town, but I'm going away for a week, so I'm looking for someone to watch over the day-care, and since you're my closest relatives, living in Slateport City, do you think you could come up for the week, I'll be paying you, it's a few small jobs, and to look after the baby Pokémon, don't worry, there not wild." Karen's voice replied.

"Me? But I'm so dumb and immature, can’t my mom?" Sarah asked worriedly.

"Sorry, but I asked her and she said you needed some money, and needed some responsibilities." Karen said happily.

"Fine, but only for the week. What time should I be down at everyday?" Sarah grunted sharply.

"Uh, you need to come down within one hour, and you'll sleep overnight." Karen said informatively.

"What? Wait, what's the pay?" Sarah asked rudely, seeing as you should never ask about money.

"About thirty dollars a day, how is that?” Karen questioned.

Fine, I'll be up soon." Sarah said, "Bye." Sarah put down the phone, with a small twitch in her eye; she was terribly annoyed, especially because this was her week off school. But Sarah knew if that was the salary, she didn't really have a choice. Sarah hopped off of her bed again, and walked out into the hall. She walked into her mom and dad's bedroom, knowing they were asleep. She took a deep breath and shouted in her mom's ear.

"MOTHER!" Sarah said angrily. "Ah, that feels better." She said joyfully.

"What is it, apple tart?" Sarah's mom asked tiredly. Her drowsy, turquoise eyes made her look extremely old though.

"I'm going aunt Karen's day-care for the week on you're behalf. Good day." Sarah said, ending with a bang.

Sarah walked out of the bedroom and went downstairs; she pulled across the golden, rusty lock on the old, white hall door. She walked outside, not even bother to have any breakfast. It was a rather cold day, Sarah walked across the dull grey pathway, heading for the grassy road, so she could get to the day-care. Seeing as she sold her bike. She kept on walking, when she came to the grassy road, weirdly, she didn't see any young, 'hip' trainers going out, probably because it was so early in the morning at the time. Sarah walked through the tall, rich green grass. She didn't know what she would find, but she knew it wouldn't be too pleasant, or at least that's what she thought. When out came a small, orange otter-like Pokémon from the moderately tall grass.

"Oh!" Sarah screeched, she got quite a fright when the Pokémon jumped out, she didn't know what it was though, seeing as she didn't have Pokémon, or a Pokédex. The small Pokémon had dark orange coloured fur, with a small scaly, blue belly. It looked like water Pokémon, seeing as it had otter characteristics, but Sarah wasn't sure. It jumped right out in front of her, it seemed as if it liked her, and Sarah seemed to like it too.

"Well aren't you kind of cute?" Sarah said happily, picking it up, and rubbing it's soft belly. After a few minutes of rubbing it, Sarah put it down gently in the grass. It made a small whimper, it's eyes started to look wet, a sign that it's going to be sad. The small Buizel started using it's small, dog-like paws and it clipped onto Sarah's tight jeans.

"Oh, you can't come with me." Sarah cried, not literally, of course.

"Buizel! Buiz Buiz Nya!" The small Buizel cried sadly.

"Oh, a 'Buizel', cool." Sarah said happily. "Not that I know what you are, but whatever." She added happily. Sarah stared at the small otter some more, glancing at its small face. She could see the happiness in it's eyes, and she knew she wasn't going to ruin that for it. "OK, you can come with me." She rejoiced. The small Buizel somehow knew what she was saying, and as Sarah walked off, he followed behind her. They walked through the grassy patches for nearly an hour now, and since it was early, most Pokémon and trainers would be in there warm, comfy beds, sleeping till whatever time they want too. The day went on as did Sarah and her new Buizel. They kept on walking through the tall grass when they came to flat land again.

"Wait, this is the entrance to Mauville, yes! We're here!" Sarah said to Buizel happily. "Hear that, Buizel, we're here!"

The sun was shining brightly over Mauville City, as it's strong, scorching rays kept the whole town very warm. Sarah seen an old man, he looked like he was one of those casino people, he had a shiny black tuxedo on, and that was good enough for Sarah. She walked over towards the old man and came to sudden stop, when he pulled out a staff, it had a picture of a golden Pokéball on top of it, and the rest was a dark black colour.

"Can I help ye youngster?" The old man asked with an Irish, weak accent. His wrinkles were like a suit on his pale body.

"Uh, yes. I was sent to the Day-care, and told it was near Verdanturf, but I'm confused now." She said worriedly. "Can you give me directions?"

"Why, yes I can, little Missy." He said gladly, and then he took out a small piece of coloured paper. It had small numbers, lines and words on it. "Here you go, a small map can help you out. Just go the route it tells you and go to the day-care. Ciao!" The old man bowed down weirdly and walked off towards the grassy road. He took a small glance behind him and smiled.

"Uh, thanks!" Sarah shouted over to him, as she took a look at the map, it was folded up. She unfolded it and looked at it, it was a map of Hoenn, she zoomed in a bit and viewed Mauville City, then she seen a path coming from it to the left. Down that path, the words read 'Day-care' centre. "Ok, so I'm heading into Mauville, then taking a left. Cool." She said, as her small Buizel followed her as he walked on his small two legs. They walked into the city, it had that 'static' feeling to it, the energetic citizens where nowhere to be seen though, and on a beautiful day like this, you'd expect them to be out. Then, Sarah heard a loud scream coming from inside rectangular, lavender coloured building. She looked on the map to see if it was on the map, when it was. A small purple dot that read 'Mauville Casino'.

"Ugh, the citizens finally get a nice day and they spend it inside. Gah." Sarah sighed softly. She walked on towards the left path, where she came to a bunch of small, colourful and lovely smelling flowers, each scented with happiness. Sarah took a deep breath, inhaling the enchanting aroma from the flowers, as did Buizel. They seen a small house, it had medium-sized brown fences around it. Just outside the orphan blue coloured door, a figure stood out and waved at Sarah. Sarah looked closely, to observe it was Aunt Karen. "Karen! Is that you?" Sarah shouted over to the distance.

"Yes, come over to me!" Karen's deep voice shouted back. As her dark indigo fringe swayed in the gentle breeze as she waved.

"Okay!" Sarah walked over, with Buizel waddling behind her, it seems he was getting tired, but he would be getting a rest when they got inside. Karen looked really happy, knowing Sarah was here to mind the place while she was gone.

"Okay, Sarah, I need to leave now, I left the door open, just go inside, I need to run to the boat, see you later!" Karen said, as the bucket of words flew out of Karen's mouth very quickly.

"Well, I guess this is it." Sarah said anxiously, she gave a gentle push on the door, and it opened, inside was a small house. It was nothing more than a few small shelves and a single bed. The floors were bright brown colour as were the walls, seeing as they were made out of wood. Sarah wasn't very happy, she would have imagined this being a big centre, that was rich and filled with money. Sarah then seen a door just beside the bed, it was like it was hidden or something. She pushed it, and she came into a modern, tiled room, it was apparently the counter where the trainers would drop of their Pokémon. There wasn't actually a long line there, 2 people were waiting. People were waiting, each of them holding their Pokémon. Sarah walked behind the counter, and fixed her shirt a little, then flicked a little dust off, and was ready to work. "Uh, Hi. May I help you?" Sarah asked nicely to an old woman.

"Yes girl, I have my Elekid and Pichu, but I'm going to friend's for a week, can you mind them for me please?" The woman asked weirdly.

"Yes you may, thanks." Sarah took the small, human-like, yellow Pokémon out of the ladies arms, and it behind the counter, while Buizel was there with it. Then she took the small, rodent-like yellow mouse behind the counter. "Next, please?" Sarah asked loudly, yet politely.

"Hello there, I'm Dan, I have a lot of Pokémon, and I need you to mind for one week please, is that alright?" The man asked politely, his navy moustache made him look really weird.

"Yes, no problem. Can I have your Pokémon, please?" Sarah asked happily.

"Ok, here are my two Nidoran, a girl and a boy, and my Magby; he's a little rough, so be careful. Oh, here's Zubat, he's very fidgety, and here's Psyduck. He's quite quiet." Dan answered. "Thanks."

Sarah took all five of those Pokémon behind the counter, with Buizel. It appeared that was all of the customers, her work was done for now. She user her bottom to push open the back door, and all the Pokémon ran out. They scurried along the patches of green, lush grass. Sarah's Buizel seen a small lake, it had a waterfall coming into it, a rich tree leaning over it, and a nice, warm rock platform in the middle. It was like paradise there. Sarah's Buizel scurried over as quickly as possible to deep blue water and slid in, and then popped back out again onto the rock. He lay down, with his orange coat all wet and his arms behind his head, his reign of sunbathing began. Sarah looked around, everything was serene and peaceful. Zubat flickering around through the dark trees, the Nidoran scurrying across the rich grass, Elekid and Magby hitting eachother softly.

"Elekid, Magby, stop it!" Sarah shouted angrily, she ran over to the small kid-like Pokémon. The Magby's light red skin had some small indigo coloured marks on it. Elekid's strong yellow skin had some slate blue coloured bruises on it too. "You guys could hurt each other really badly from doing that!" They both made some gentle whimper noises of innocence. Trying to not get in trouble, they didn't. "Hey, where's the Psyduck?" Sarah questioned herself worriedly. Knowing that the ignorance of a confused Psyduck could lead him anywhere.

Sarah looked around confusedly, when she seen a big bright olive coloured bottom leaning into the water. It was Psyduck's big bottom, and his small tail looked like a little spike at the back. He was putting his hands in at his reflection, as he probably thought it was another Psyduck. He made enthusiastically surprising squeals and started splashing the water back and fort, and doing this. He then accidentally splashed Buizel, who was perched comfortably on a small rock platform in the middle of crystal blue lake. With the calm, waterfall gently crashing behind him.
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Last edited by Lati-Chan; 04-20-2008 at 08:22 AM.
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  #3  
Old 04-19-2008, 09:22 PM
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Default Re: Daycare Chronicles

He hopped up and started shaking his coat continuously to dry off. It’s not that he didn’t want to get wet, being a Buizel; it was because he was just getting to enjoy the suns warmth. He started to freak out a little, and grind his small, white teeth together in anger.

“Buizel!” Buizel cried angrily, he bent his eyebrows down in anger. He waved his hands in the air and shouted at Psyduck, but the little yellow duck was too busy chatting with his reflection. Then, because of his ignorance, Buizel decided he would attack Psyduck. Buizel opened his mouth, and took a deep breath, then out came a flow of bright yellow stars from Buizel’s mouth. A gentle breeze flew across the water and Psyduck’s reflection disappeared. Psyduck started to panic, and turned around towards Buizel, when the shower of bright stars bashed against Psyduck.

“Psy!” Psyduck squealed angrily. Waving its flabby arm’s up and down, crying at Buizel with anger. It started blowing a fuse and began to inhale deeply. Then it used screech and began to emit a sharp screech. Sarah didn’t like the two fighting, so she went to break it up by running across the grass to pick Psyduck up, when he user his small yellow hands and scratched her.

“Alright, Buizel! Let’s go!” Sarah shouted angrily, while a small scratch on her arm began to bleed dark red coloured drips of blood. Buizel jumped from the rock to beside Sarah on the grass and got ready to battle. “Okay, let’s get things hot with a Water Gun!”

Buizel opened his mouth to a small oval shape, and then out came a raging blast of blue water right at Psyduck, it hit Psyduck right in the face, and he fell backwards into the water. There was a loud smack when he hit the water, sort of like a belly flop, it sounded sore. Psyduck flowed quickly down to the bottom were soft thump was heard. Sarah ran towards the water’s edge and leaned over. Only to see a ‘sleeping’ Psyduck at the bottom of the lake, with his eyes closed.

“Houston, we have a problem.” Sarah said enthusiastically to herself. “Ugh, I hope he’s okay.” Sarah sighed heavily, worrying about Psyduck. After a few seconds of thinking an automatic response came from her. “Buizel, go down and bring him back up.” She demanded.

Buizel took a small breath and jumped in the water, with a small splash lightly wetting Sarah’s jeans. She watched as Buizel swam down towards Psyduck, pushing his arms and legs forward to swim. He came down to Psyduck, and reached his hands out towards Psyduck. Then Psyduck’s eyes opened, Buizel got an awful fright and darted away. Then he turned around. Psyduck stretched his hands out, and opened his mouth; he made a small screech and used water pulse. Strong pulses of water were thrown at Buizel, each one like a tsunami wave, but not as strong.

Buizel was pushed back, and small bruises started appearing. Buizel was weakened a little and hopped out of the water. Psyduck hopped right out after him very quickly. Buizel clenched his fist and pulled it back behind his head, and it started glowing a bright white. Buizel then sprinted towards Psyduck and used Focus Punch without the command from Sarah.

“Wow, I- I don’t know anymore attacks…” Sarah sighed worriedly; she wasn’t exactly ‘smart’ when it came to Pokémon, so she didn’t have any idea what other attacks Buizel knew. “Uh, do your thing!” Sarah shouted, clueless of what she was doing.

Buizel knew Sarah was in a bad situation, so it was going to fight itself. Psyduck put it’s two hands against its head and began to push, then, a glowing blue aura surrounded Buizel, and Buizel was lifted into mid-air. He began to panic and got scared, squinting a little with pain, then he began to grind his teeth with anger. Psyduck looked like a retard at that time, with his tiny, dot-like black pupils being in the middle of his plain white eye. Then, a grin came upon his face, he took his hands from his head. Buizel dropped and loud thump came from his landing, he was lying on his side, sighing heavily with pain. "Buiz..." He added slowly.

"Buizel! Come on... Uh... Uh..." Sarah said, hesitating because her dear Buizel was in pain, and because she didn't know any other moves for him. The pressure was on Sarah. She couldn't think of anything, so she just yelled encouraging things to her Buizel. "C'mon Buizel! You can beat him! I know it!"

It wasn't helping Buizel at all though, he still sighed heavily with pain from the falll. Then he got up slowly and pushed a bit of dust off him. Buizel gave an angry glare to Psyduck, Psyduck did the same to Buizel. Then Psyduck quickly opened his mouth for a Hydro Pump and out came a huge blast of powerful water towards Buizel, he ducked slowly and the water hit a rock near the other Pokémon, who peered over excitedly.

Sarah's deep azure eyes opened widely, she remembered something, "Buizel, quickly, bubble!" Buizel knew that it was one move he knew. He opened his mouth into a small circle, and out came a big, see-through bubble floated over towards Psyduck, who was regaining some energy from using Hydro Pump, the bubble floated towards him, and Psyduck was contained inside. Psyduck pushed against the bubble, but it didn't burst.

One, two, three, was he caught within the thin layer of the bubble?


Chapter 1 so far;;
Characters needed: 10k-20k for Psyduck
Characters have so far: (with spaces) 21,794k (without spaces) 17,779k

Oh, and I know Buizel can't learn Bubble, but it's just 1 small move. c:

Splishee will be grading, btw. :3
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Last edited by Lati-Chan; 05-06-2008 at 10:21 AM.
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  #4  
Old 05-10-2008, 01:51 AM
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Default Re: Daycare Chronicles

Sorry for the wait. :x

Grade

Plot

Sarah Deep, of Slateport city, wakes up a fine, average morning. After being pestered by her younger sister to make a sandwich.. She is called by Karen, her aunt, to mind the daycare centre near Vendanturf town. After a long voyage, meeting a friendly Buizel, Sarah picks up the Pokemon and soon develops into a fight with a rather rude Psyduck.

Firstly, you get brownie points for mentioning Slateport and Mauville, my favourite cities in all the games. :]. The plot was well thought out and creative, not your average Pokemon-catching plot. What I really liked was that you ended the battle with the Psyduck being contained in the Bubble attack (don’t worry, the Buizel-doesn’t-learn-bubble-thing is fine ^^), rather than being caught in a Pokeball. Very creative, and fitting to the story.

So, yeah. Good work here. However, that sandwich thing was wayy too drawn out. There are certain aspects to a story that are exciting and deserve to be drawn out, but making a sandwich described in a lengthy and in-depth way as you did just bores the reader. I know you’re big on description, but certain things don’t require it to save readers not enjoying the story. Keep this in mind for future stories. ^^

Introduction

You introduced the character in a nice way, with the great subtle descriptions of her average day-to-day life, such as the fact that she is an early riser, and her appearance infront of the mirror. Well done. ^^

Although where Sarah lived wasn’t explained until much later, I really don’t have any complaints about your introduction - except for the fact that it’s a pretty average one, for a Psyduck. A character waking up from a sleep in painfully common, but your creative plot makes up for that. ^^

Length

Well, Psyduck, being a Medium level Pokemon, requires 10 - 20 k of characters. Your story is 21 k - pretty much the maximum that is required. So, well done! However, keep it in mind that a lengthy story won’t always secure the capture, especially if some components contributing to that length made the story somewhat boring. But, your story was fine in most parts, so no need to worry. ^^

Grammar

You have a great grasp on grammar. Well, you should - you are a grader. :P. But, it’s nice to receive compliments, so there is one coming your way. Well done in this area.

But, like most stories, there are quite a few faults that I believe are worth mentioning, because they are consistent in your story or are just too big to miss. ;]

Your first biggie is probably your sentence structure. It’s not one of those big, obvious grammar errors, but these can make your stories incredibly hard to read. Take the first sentence of your story, for example:

Quote:
The beautiful glimpse of warm sunlight started to shine into Sarah Deep’s bedroom, Sarah was an average girl in the world of Pokémon, except for the fact she didn’t have a Pokémon yet, which was weird for a girl who was the rough age of seventeen.
This large sentence covers a lot of topics, that, even though they’re all about Sarah (the main topic), need to be separated into sentences. I can see that you love your commas - it’s okay, I do too, and is a sign of great complex use of sentences - but sometimes, too much becomes hard to decipher for the reader. ^^

This sentence would be better as something like:

The beautiful glimpse of warm sunlight started to shine into Sarah Deep’s bedroom. Sarah was an average girl in the world of Pokemon, except for the fact she didn’t have a Pokemon yet. This was weird for a girl who was roughly the age of seventeen.

Notice how I also fixed up the ‘rough age of seventeen’ bit? I’m sure you can see that it makes a little more sense like that - well, I think it does. ^^

Quote:
“Ah, teeth are glowing nice and white, and my eyes are still nice and blue.” Sarah boasted proudly to herself.
This mistake was consistant in your story, so I’m guessing you just don’t know about it, or you keep forgetting. Everyone has to learn or be reminded somewhere, yeah? :P

Whenever there is speech, followed by the description of someone speaking, there is a comma separating the speech, to the speech mark, to the ‘Sarah boasted’, or whatever it is. It’s all, grammatically, in the same sentence, and no full stop or capital letter is required (unless it’s a proper noun, such as Sarah :P).

Soo.. The sentence should be:

“Ah, teeth are glowing nice and white, and my eyes are still nice and blue,” Sarah boasted proudly to herself.

Quote:
Sarah seen an old man, he looked like he was one of those casino people,
You did this a lot. And I mean, a lot. I’m not too sure what was going through your head, but you somehow used ‘seen’ instead of the better-sounding ‘saw’ in almost all of the setences which required it.

If you really wanted to use ‘seen’, you could have written ‘Sarah had seen an old man’, which would be grammatically fine. But ‘saw’ is just, overall, better sounding and easier to read in the past tense that you are using in your story. Past/Present/Future tense is everything. :O

That’s about it for your mistakes. I know it seems like I was picking at a lot, but I just wrote all that so you can better your grammar standard for future stories - which is already very, very good. ^^

Description

I don’t know about this part. Your description was, overall, very in depth and specific. Your vocabulary in adjectives and adverbs is very complex and nice, which improved your descriptions a lot. However, as much as you were able to adequately describe things around and about the character, there was a lot to be desired in figurative language.

Figurative language is using things such as metaphors and similes, which, accompanied by great descriptions that you have, can make for a killer of a story. Let’s take this description for example:

Quote:
The house was serene at the time, as it was two hours before Sarah usually got up.
I love your use of the word ‘serene’, and this sentence doesn’t need much editing in the paragraph it was in - but, the sentence by itself could use a really great metaphor or simile. Something like:

Silently knowing, the serene house watched quietly over Sarah as she wandered around, like a aged, knowledgeable hawk.

See how the use of metaphors made the atmosphere of the house much more clear and real? Just a few of those scattered throughout paragraphs (not every sentence, of course) and your description would have been on the scale of AMAZING - although now it’s really close to that, but a few more knowledge of descriptions could raise the bar even higher above average than it already is. ^^

Battle

No complaints. The highlight of the story, definitely. Satisfactoringly 2-sided, with the Psyduck getting in its share of powerful attacks on the variety of turf. Well done! I especially liked how the battle started, and definitely how you switched the battlefield - from the lakeside to the lake, the Water Pulse underwater was spectacular.

Good work! ^^

Overall Grade

Although I feel I was a little hard on you, your story really was very much above average. Your great plot, battle and descriptions are what won it for you, though. So, Psyduck caught! I LUFFED THE STORY! :3

Have fun with the duck, my long lost sister. Will you feed me now? xD
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Last edited by Splishee; 05-10-2008 at 01:54 AM.
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Old 05-10-2008, 07:26 AM
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Default Re: Daycare Chronicles

Thanks Splish. :) Battles are usually what I have trouble with. x_x I'll keep in mind all the things you said. Thanks. ^^ EDIT: I will feed you now. ;3
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