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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 04-16-2008, 01:51 AM
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Default Pedro

hehe, I think I can pass this one. >.<

Pedro stared at the immense, butt-ugly teacher writing down on the dusty, and painted chalkboard with a light blue chalk. He sneered at the teacher and glared out the cracked window. The room was dusty and very poor. A student behind him thrashed in his desk with his hand. Then, that kid pulled out a small, dirty duster. This kid leaned toward and placed it on Pedro's brown, messy hair. "Um . . . why did you do that?" Pedro whispered.

"Because you're ugly," the kid squinted his eyes and raised his mouth very high.

Pedro clenched his fists and became angry and whispered loudly at the kid, "Gosh, I am going to kill you!"

At this school, everyone was easily insulted. And when they got insulted, it usually ended up in fights. The principal didn't care though. As a matter of fact, this principal didn't care about anything. Almost every day, a group of kids yell at Principal Rico. Pedro never screamed at him though, even though he was like his twin. Pedro didn't care about anything also, especially school. He just wanted to leave and go on with his life.
He really just wanted to get out of all spanish things.

A few minutes later, the quite bell rang and a shiver went through the classes. A small, creepy voice slivered through the hallway. Someone loudly screamed, "who's there?"

A faint voice replied with, "Kekeke, this school is perfect to get. It seems like it has much Pokemon."

A shiver went through the school when he said Pokemon.

Then an echoing crash busted through the doors and a large, steel, shiny truck blasted through the hallways. Pedro managed to glance at a Pokemon though the steel bars on the back of the truck. Pedro then noticed that those bandit s were probably Team Rocket or something. He asked to be excused, which was unnecessary, because the fat teacher lay fainted on the dusty floor. Pedro grasped the doorknob, trying to be silent, but the door creaked when he opened it. Pedro's head peered through the door and he looked cautiously throughout the halls.

"Nothing is here, I guess," Pedro announced to his class. But then a large man appeared right behind Pedro and threw his hands towards his head. the huge man puled Pedro until he hit the other wall.

"Time to face the torture!" The big man naughtily laughed.

He jumped up and threw a small Pokeball and out came a green Pokemon with small rattles in it's hands.

Pedro stared in awe and disbelief. The Ludicolo joined the big man laughing. It then shook his head and began to sing.

"Ludi, Ludi, Ludi!"

Pedro despised singing, and it was like torture from this. It stopped until Pedro started to cry, even though the big man's arms were on Pedro's stubby shoulders, he managed to pull out a Pokeball and out popped a small seal, with glowing eyes and a shiny coat of fur.

"Spheal! Use Blizzard!" Pedro ordered.

A cold, shivering wind roared through the school, and then powdery, white snow flew through the hallway. Ludicolo held it's arms tightly then finally got pushed and blasted towards a chair. Ludicolo tripped and lay on the broken and cracking chair.

The big man threw his Pokeball towards his Pokemon and a crimson light shone over Ludicolo, making it to come back in the ball.

"I will get you!" the big man grunted.

He pulled his shaggy, wrinkled pants towards his waist and ran towards the creaky door with the sign that printed "EXIT" on it.

Pedro held out his hand, commanding Spheal to hi-five him. Spheal raised it's chubby arm and managed to slap Pedro's hand. It took a while, but Pedro finally sat on his knees so Spheal could hit him.

Pedro thrusts his arm and ordered Spheal to come back in the ball after it hi-five'd him.

After Pedro tip-toed to his class, aware if they're was anyone else, until he stumbled onto a Pokeball. When he kicked it, a small Pokemon with a huge lilly-pad on it's head tackled Pedro into the wall, knocking dust from the ceiling and shaking the school. He glanced up in terror that the ceiling was about to fall.

After the Lotad tackled Pedro, it began to run towards the "EXIT" door also. The Lotad was pretty fast, it almost out-ran Pedro.

"I finally get it, this Lotad fell out of the big man's pocket or something," Pedro panted.

When he pushed the mechanical doors out of the way, he kicked up a storm. Pedro moved closer and closer, maxing out his speed. Then he decided to dive for the little Pokemon. He was afraid of getting dirty, as he loved his brown, shiny hair and the peachy skin he had.

He pushed out his arms and spread out his fingers. Then he leaped off the dirt road and attacked Lotad. It struggled and bit Pedro, ut he lay on the dirty ground until it managed to set free. It ran a few feet, then spun around and blasted water towards my face. Pedro's eyes began to burn and he covered his face. Some of the water dripped toward the dirt, and caused mud. Without knowing where to go, he fell into this mud puddle. His face covered in small worms and dirt covered in mud. He brushed the mud and dirt of with his sleeve, getting dirt on clothes.

"Gah! You stupid Lotad! I am going to get you!" Pedro roared around the silent forest.

He grasped his Pokeball on his belt and chucked it through the sky. A chirp of a group of Pidgeys spread throughout the forest. The Pokeball popped open when it struck the dirt ground and out came the small, chubby Spheal.

"Spheal, use Ice Ball!"

A shot of a small chunk of ice smashed the ground and rolled toward the brave Lotad. It hopped off the ground and calmly floated towards Spheal. Suddenly, another pop of Ice shot through the air and smacked Lotad in the face, hitting it towards a tree. About three or four apples fell of the tree, knocking Lotad in the head.

"Now is the chance! Use Aurora Beam!" Pedro cheered.

A rainbow colored beam slashed the wind and closely flew close to the ground. A small gale rose around the beam causing dust to flow everywhere. Pedro covered his eyes and cheered at the same time.

The beam smacked Lotad into the tree, and a rainbow light flashed as the beam ended.

Lotad was urging to battle more, but it couldn't. Despite it's health, the Lotad managed to uncover another attack. The little Pokemon danced around for a second, and a cloud covered the dark, gloomy sky. The cloud began to roar and small rain drops fell as a sprinkle. Lotad sneered at Pedro, and raised it's courages head toward the sky. It then started to back up, then flew back his mouth, and a thin jet of water spit toward Spheal.

"Spheal! Counter it with a Water Gun also!"

Spheal blew back it's mouth also and unleashed a water stream. The small drops of the shiny, but dangerous rain enhanced their strength. The water from the attack pushed back and forth as the Pokemon pushed and pushed.

"Come one Spheal! I know you can do it!"

Spheal the glimmered a little, and then blew it's chubby arms toward the ground making the stream more powerful and push Lotad's so far, it managed to blow Lotad toward a lake. The Lotad couldn't budge, and the dangerous rain ended. It's small lilly-pad allowed it to float through the lake, silently.

Pedro then cheered a bit, and returned the sky blue seal to it's Pokeball. He slanted his mouth and wished the Pokeball would catch it.

He leaped into the air and pulled back his arm.

"Go! Pokeball!" He roared, tossing the Pokeball towards Lotad.

Lotad then grasped it's stubby arms into the dirt, trying not to be caught. It then braced for impact from the white and red ball spun towards him.

It popped out of the water and wiggled once, then twice, and then . . .



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Last edited by Linoone; 04-19-2008 at 03:33 PM.
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  #2  
Old 04-16-2008, 01:52 AM
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Default Re: Shivering Pedro

Characters; 7601
Needed; 5k-10k
Going For; a Pikachu. :]
(Lotad)
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Last edited by Linoone; 04-19-2008 at 03:33 PM.
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  #3  
Old 04-19-2008, 10:29 PM
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Default Re: Pedro

Since I need to grade more, and Ludicolo is a beast, I'll grade this one. DDDDDDDDDD:


Plot:

A kid a wild school,is sitting in a class. Some sort of bandit, comes, and tries to steal Pokemon. Pedro beats him in a battle. Then Pedro finds a Pokeball that the fat man had dropped. It contained a Lotad. Pedro chases the Lotad into the forest, and catches it.

I liked it. It was original enough, since that most of the time you don't capture a Pokemon that used to be a evil doer's.

The beginning part was confusing, especially that bandit dude/person. Why did the bandit attack a school? Normally they go for things like Pokemon warehouses, congregations of powerful trainers, or research facilities, or things like that with technology, or lots of Powerful Pokemon. True, there are lots of people with Pokemon at a school, but you explained that this school wasn't to good of a school. The Pokemon would have been poorly trained. Villains will go after strong Pokemon, so they don't have to train them their selves. This particular villain seemed solely something to get Pedro away from class, and near the Lotad. The story becomes far more interesting if the evil-doer has a particular, logical motive. They don't do the things they do, just because their evil. So remember that if you ever write a huge "good vs evil" story.

Also, what happened to the police/paramedics? Wouldn't someone notice a truck flying through the wall of a school, and notify someone?

Introduction:

This was fine. You didn't really describe what anyone looked like, other than the fact that the teacher was ugly, and that Pedro had brown hair. You cannot leave something as important as what your character's appearance vague. It keeps the reader guessing, and of course, thats bad. Other than that it was pretty good.

Grammar/Spelling:

Lots of typos, like:

Quote:
It struggled and bit Pedro, ut he lay on the dirty ground
'ut' should be 'but'.

I'm far too lazy to look for all of the typos, but you want to reread your story to make sure you don't have any typos. It makes the story look sloppy, and it seems like you don't really care. D:

Another thing you did was use odd word choice.

Quote:
He slanted his mouth and wished the Pokeball would catch it.
Slanted is an adjective. I know your trying to tell me that he made the: =/ face. Just put frowned. It conveys the same meaning.

Length:

Fine.

Details:

Honestly, this is where you were really lacking. I couldn't really picture anything other than the attacks. You should try to describe everything like you describe the attacks. It will quickly, and easily make you story far, far more vibrant. Remember you need to describe every single thing that you mention in the entire story.

Something like "brown hair" wont really cut it, for a description. There has to be at least 200 million people on this planet with brown hair. Tell me if their tall or short, tanned or pale, stocky or lanky, freckled, or not, and things of that nature. If you're confused try reading some of the grader's stories that are full of description, for ideas for what you need to describe.

Reality:

Real enough, except for that villain thing I said already. How Pedro got to the forest.

Battle:

It was very good. :) Unlike the rest of your story, this part vibrant and described quite well. Again, try to make the rest of you descriptions like the one's for your attacks. I like how you used Rain Dance in the battle. Very original, and clever, to incorporate the weather like. I also liked how you slammed Lotad into trees, and used your surroundings well.

The apples falling reminded me of my Lotad story. I did the same thing, in the sequel, except that the Lotad was on my side. :P

If Lotad had gotten one or two more attacks in, then it would have been better, but for now its good.

Outcome:

It was border line, but Lotad Captured!! Try to describe everything like the attacks, with all that vibrant-ness (<-- O_o) Good job though.
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Last edited by Leman; 04-19-2008 at 11:50 PM.
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