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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 04-19-2008, 09:10 PM
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Arrow ..::~Snorunt And The Mystry Of The Snow Temple~::..


..::~Snorunt And The Mystry Of The Snow Temple~::.
Pokemon trying to capture:Snorunt.
needed:10k-20k
Prolouge:

DDanny is young daring boy with soft blonde hair with a cool dark navy tracksuit with dark crimson stripes tearing through the middle; and his trusty newly evolved Umbreon have travelled across hundreds of towns and cities, and seen mystical Pokemon, But nothing the compares to the mystery that unfolds over the next couple Days in Sinnoh. They were walking Across Orenbourgh city; when all of a sudden and earthquake shook the ground in half, ripping it of his limbs. Danny Ran To the Pokemon Centre to see what had happened. He switched the big, black plasma widescreen TV And "Poke News" Appeared on The Screen.

"Today On pokenews, The Earthquake Of a life time, or a myth? And an overload of Magby has overloaded The mountain we all now as “Mount Coronet“. The Earthquake Has supposedly opened a magma chamber leaving flows of Magby streaming out; James reports

"Thanks Cathy, As I speak now a huge heard of Magby has ran past me onto route 214, And there has been sightings a of a huge, gold mythicical creature. But really I think its some sort of prank. Wha...What is that Regigi....."
The hotline disconnected.

"Thanks you for that.. Um strange information James. Also the New Pokemon Platue has opened west of snow point city and is accepting battling entries while across the street is the Artic festival for Pokemon contests! This years favourites for battling are: 1st-Danny Mondigo-2nd-Harry McDonald and of course Jordan Renchaw. To Day We Also have an interview with professor. Indigo of Sinnoh Work labs industry; for an interview with Daryl Jones. Over to you Daryl!".

"Thanks for that Cathy, And thanks for being here John Indigo.” Daryl said.

"No; the pleasure is mine. You can all call me john if you like. The Pokemon expert.” John replied.

"What do you think of the new Pokemon sighting by 214?"Daryl asked enviously.

"True,Ive heard About folklore That includes "The mysterious gold mythical creature."

"Well im not entirely sure, but your the professor!"

"Well im not sure how long I can stay here, you know with breeding farm and all"
Professor indigo’s phone rung with the new "windows Theme" as his theme tune.

"Yes.....Yeah...No.. Touros.. Snorlax....Yes!. Ill be right there."

"What’s wrong professor?"

"A touros has escaped I need to go anyway.Oh and, Danny; if your watching this Remember to take your freeze potion."

"Bye John."
John leaves The Room.

"Err...Back to you Cathy."

"Thanks Daryl, And Thank you for watching pokenews!"

"Well We better Go now, Umbreon."i said.

"UMBRE...ON.. On on "Umbreon growled.

"Oh yeah and i really should remember The Freeze potion now shouldn’t I."

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Last edited by GreyScale; 05-26-2008 at 07:09 AM.
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  #2  
Old 05-16-2008, 06:53 AM
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Arrow Re: ..::~Snorunt And The Mystry Of The Icicle Temple~::..

Part Two: A Snowy Situation!
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Danny exited out of the large red Pokemon centre, and across a long, winding muddy road. There was a huge field of lush dark-green Grass; on the edge of that was a short, brown hill. He ran really fast across the grass, Gaining speed to belt it up the hill.

“Wow. Look at it Infernape, Isn’t it beautiful? I mean the mountain.” I gasped
Infernape releases as small amount of fire from its hands, As a sort of way of saying yes.

“Glad you see in my way Burner.” I said.
They entered Mount Coronet by and obvious cave door. Suddenly the ground started to shake again. At that time, a strange, luminous red glow emitted through the cave. All of a sudden; a huge heard of Magby flew out of the cave like spits of fire. One of them appeared to be hurt.

“Magby, are you alright?” Danny asked.
There was no reply from the Magby.

“The only way to save the Magby is to capture it!” Danny exclaimed.

“Go, Heal ball!!”
The ball turned once, twice and one last time until the Magby was caught.

“Yes, good job it was a heal ball, as now its back at full HP.” He said.
Danny rolled the poke ball out his hard, Making it swirl like a tornado. A red glow tossed Magby out of the ball.
Danny, Infernape and Magby climb over a tall muddy bridge, When a cave door exit glowed in the deep, Black darkness. They walked through the glowing door to see a huge snow storm!
Crystal clear white, Glittery snow hurled through the air like dances of light.

“Wow, That sure is a lot of snow there guys.” I said.

“Hi!” A voice echoed from across the route. A tall girl with long black hair and a pink duffle coat ran up to Danny.

“Hey there, Im Danny. Why are you round these parts? Who are you?” I asked astonishingly.

“Hi, Im Jasmine, You can call me Jazzy B if you like. Anyway, Im here making my way to the Pokemon contest league! Any reason you’re here?” She said.

“Well, Im here for the Pokemon battling league! I have kind of been picked as this years favourite, And I hope to win with my Infernape and Electivire!” I Said shyly.

“Would you like to travel with me?” I added.

“Sure! We could be like a Pokemon team!” Jasmine exclaimed.

“Err…Sure, I don’t see why not. It could be pretty fun.” I said.

Danny and Jasmine examine there surroundings, And they noticed a large bridge. They climbed the large, Brown bridge and leaning towards the sky was a huge building. It Had a huge PAL symbol on it. The way the snow rebounded of it had an effect like glowing crystals, Fading away into the light.

“I think were here Jasmine!” I exclaimed

“Gee, What gave that away?” She chuckled.
Danny and Jasmine walked up in front of it, The light shone on the doors, Making them a shiny as glass. The doors slid automatically swung open releasing a clean, Clear, Beautiful Pokemon centre and
entry hall.

“Oh, Hello there Danny! it’s a pleasure to see you again. You are?” A woman in a navy blue tracksuit with luscious dark brown hair asked.

“ Well im Jasmine, And I hope to be participating in your Pokemon contest. May I?” Jazzy asked.

“ Sure, I don’t see why you cant. You do have a Pokemon right? Oh and my name is Emma.” Emma exclaimed.

“ Yes of course would I be hear if I didn’t?” Jasmine said

“And ill be entering the battling you know!” Danny said sarcastically.
“Oh, I know. Ill register you both on are computer.” she said.

” Jasmine, Please exit through the door over there. Your in set 1 for division A. Good luck.” She added.

“good luck Jasmine!” I yelled.

“Thanks, Good luck to you too!” Jasmine replied.

“Danny, Please exit through that door there.” Emma said, Pointing to a small , Red, Shiny door.

Danny walked through door, Which revealed a large Pokemon battling field.

“Im your referee, Jackson. Please send your Pokemon out.” Jackson exclaimed

“Go Venasaur, Frenzy plant!” A boy in a red tracksuit and light green hair yelled.

“Go, Infernape , Full power flare blitz” Danny commanded.

Frenzy plant released a lot of spores, Hitting Infernape with force, Even though it wasn’t very

effective. Then Flare Blitz hurled into Venasaur inflicting massive damage.

“Venasaur is unable to battle. Infernape is the winner!”

“Danny, Due to that quick win you have been placed into the semi finals. You may take ten if you wish.” Jackson said.

Danny walked into the entrance hall, To see Jasmine sitting down on a bench, Looking a little bit upset

“Hey Jazzy, What’s up?” I asked.

“I made it to the finals, But I lost to Zoe, She was just to good a co-ordinator to beat.” Jasmine cried.

“Well you made it to the finals, To me you did brilliant. What Pokemon did you use?” I asked, Trying to cheer her up.

“Thanks for trying Dan, You’re a really good guy. Oh, And I used Empoleon. I didn’t go as well as I thought it might of.” Jasmine said.

“Well it doesn’t matter, I thought you did great. And thanks for everything.” I said.

“Danny Mondigo, Please report to the battling arena. You next battle is in session. Please report to the blue stadium near of the vending machine.” Jackson yelled through a blow horn.

“Gee’s im coming already!” I replied.
Danny entered through the big blue door to see a huge stadium, Crammed with hundreds of thousands of spectators, Waiting to see his next move.


“Im Darren, You next opponent. Nice to meet you!” Darren calmly said.

"Hey, Nice to meet you. Im Danny Mondigo; Good luck!" I yelled

"Participants, Please take your positions for this semi-final battle!” Jackson asked.

“Please send your Pokemon……Now!” He added loudly.

“Go, Electivire! Thunder punch go!” I commanded

“Go, Infernape! Flare blitz!” He yelled
Flare Blitz knocks into Electivire, But Electivire still has a lot of strength to use on thunder punch! Infernape takes a lot of damage, Same with Danny’s Electivire.

“Go, Giga impact! Full force Electivire!” I yelled.
“Then I’ll go close combat then!” Darren commanded.
Electivire hammers into Infernape, While Infernape is using Close Combat. It was pretty even…Then… .

“Electivire finish it off with thunder punch, Get as close as you can!” Danny exclaimed.
Giga Impact and Close Combat collided and released a huge field of energy. The thunder punch swept through the field and hit Infernape with high pressure, Leaving Infernape in intense pain dangling of a wall.

“Infernape is unable to battle, Danny is the winner!” Jackson Yelled.

”Good game Danny, I hope to see you on the battle field some time soon!” Darren cried.

“Thanks, Good luck in your future endeavours Darren.” I replied softly.
Suddenly, A huge gold creature waltzed into the stadium, Nearly destroying it in the process.

“Oh no! It’s true! Regigigas is real, Everybody; Run!” I boomed at the top of my voice.

:.1 week later.:
Danny and Jasmine have returned to professor Indigo’s laboratory to see what he can do to save Sinnoh.
“Danny, There is one myth that occurs to me that could possibly save us from Regigigas’s rath.” John said.
“Yes, Continue please.” I asked.
“Well, According to Canalave library, Regigigas pulled the continents together. It couldn’t continue to do everything its self, So it made three bodies to help it.” Professor John Indigo continued.
“Bodies? What do you mean by bodies?” I asked.
“Well, There was a body of steel, Registeel; Regice, The body of ice, And Regirock, The body of earth. It is said if for whatever reason Regigigas is awakened, There is only one thing to stop it.” John explained.
“What is the one thing?” Me and Jasmine asked.
“An Ice Beam from Regice, An Ancient Power from Regirock and a really strong Flash Cannon from Registeel. But there is one last thing, A….” John finished.
“What is it?” I asked.
“A hail from a….. Snorunt!” He exclaimed.

“Ok, Then were of to get them… Where are they?” I asked

“In the Snow Temple!” He yelled.
Danny and Jasmine went to Snowpoint city, To be yet again swept by vicious cold snow.
The Snow Temple was there, Glimmering in shining, Cold light. Danny and Jasmine enter the spooky temple
2 Days later:

“Regice Ice Beam!” Danny exclaimed.

“Flash Cannon Registeel” Jasmine yelled.” “And Regirock, Ancient power!” Jasmine yelled.

“Snorunt, Hail please!” Danny yelled.
Crystal shards of white appeared from the sky, Calming Regigigas. It was then hit by an array of moves; Knocking it to the ground. Suddenly Regigigas calmed and teleported to the tall blue Snow Temple. All of a sudden, All the oceans breeze and wild crazy waves stopped, And the chill in the air had disappeared. Danny and Jasmine had did it, They had saved an epidemic and did well in competitions ; Which unfortunately they cant finish till next month.
Danny and Jasmine chased back to there respective home towns to tell the story of Regigigas.
Maybe one day they’ll meet up again, But what I always wondered was what happened to the Snorunt?…..

"Mum; Its me im home! Mum?” Danny exclaimed.
In the middle of his living room was the Snorunt.

”Snor-unt-unt-unt!”

“What? Oh I see, You want me to capture you! Pikachu, Thunderbolt!” Danny yelled.
A huge Ice Beam flung into Pikachu’s Thunderbolt freezing it, But the high voltage cracked it and shook Snorunt straight outside.

“Snor!” It yelled, releasing a Hail Storm.

“Pikachu, Volt tackle!” Danny commanded.
That was it. Even being weakened by hail, Volt Tackle still had enough juice to knock Snorunt out. The Volt Tackle was like a party of electricity only in a more sparkling manor. Sparks shone of Pikachu's body, Like a ball of energy from the sun

“Go, Poke ball!” Danny exclaimed
The ball turned left, Right, Forwards, Backwards then it shone red. A mystifying chill executed through the air. Did the Snorunt get weakened enough to be caught?……
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Last edited by GreyScale; 05-26-2008 at 07:48 AM.
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  #3  
Old 05-18-2008, 04:02 PM
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Arrow Re: ..::~Snorunt And The Mystry Of The Snow Temple~::..

My Story is finished, And i appreciate a grade please.
Here are the stats:
Words: 1928
Characters (including spaces): 15959
-Thanks in advance.
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Last edited by GreyScale; 05-26-2008 at 07:49 AM.
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  #4  
Old 05-19-2008, 09:00 PM
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Default Re: ..::~Snorunt And The Mystry Of The Snow Temple~::..

Introduction/Plot: So, our young hero Danny runs into an earthquake, he runs to a plasma screen TV, it opens a hope in the mountains and Danny goes to explore, only to run into a Snorunt.

This was a pretty interesting plot, it was a little basic, and similiar to the plot in your first story though. I think you should try and develop the character Danny a little more; he seems very generic and boring. But yeah, this plot was quite good, well done. ^^

Length: This was fine, nearly in the middle, nice job. ^^

Grammar/Spelling: This was sadly your worst area, you had a lot of grammar mistakes, typos and comma mistakes. Use Microsoft word or an online spellchecker to check your grammar, the proofread it yourself. Pokémon should be capitalized also. The only words you need to capitalize are places, people, important things, names etc. Your probably around 11/12, you should know this stuff. -_- And when someone finishes speaking, you don't need to capitalize 'said' or anything, just put a fullstop, comma after the sentence is finished.

Quote:
They were walking Across Oronbourgh city; When all of a sudden and earthquake shook the ground in half,
A few things with this sentence; Oronbourgh, I believe should be Oreburgh. Also, after a semi-colon (;) you don't need to capitalize the next word.

I could go on and correct the whole story, but the mistakes were really what I pointed out earlier.

Description/Detail: I had mixed feelings about this; in some places you seemed to have really vivid and accurate description, while in others it was very blank and poor. I felt you could have fleshed out more description in more important places. Like characters; you gave a few words of description, then that was it. The same with surroundings, if you start describing them, don't stop untill you've made your point with them.

Also, the Pokémon should be described aswell, even brief descriptions telling us what they resemble, and what colors they are and such. ^^

Battle: This definitly got better, it was two-sided and well put out. I just think you could have used your surroundings a little more. But nice job here; you also described the attacks a little, which is nice. Just remember to use a variety of moves and be smart with the combos. ^^

Outcome: I put a lot of thought in; Snorunt not captured! This was a nice story, you just need to fix all the grammar mistakes, and add in a lot more description, and I'll gladly give you the little snow runt.
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  #5  
Old 05-20-2008, 07:09 AM
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Arrow Re: ..::~Snorunt And The Mystry Of The Snow Temple~::..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Limelight View Post
Introduction/Plot: So, our young hero Danny runs into an earthquake, he runs to a plasma screen TV, it opens a hope in the mountains and Danny goes to explore, only to run into a Snorunt.

This was a pretty interesting plot, it was a little basic, and similiar to the plot in your first story though. I think you should try and develop the character Danny a little more; he seems very generic and boring. But yeah, this plot was quite good, well done. ^^

Length: This was fine, nearly in the middle, nice job. ^^

Grammar/Spelling: This was sadly your worst area, you had a lot of grammar mistakes, typos and comma mistakes. Use Microsoft word or an online spellchecker to check your grammar, the proofread it yourself. Pokémon should be capitalized also. The only words you need to capitalize are places, people, important things, names etc. Your probably around 11/12, you should know this stuff. -_- And when someone finishes speaking, you don't need to capitalize 'said' or anything, just put a fullstop, comma after the sentence is finished.



A few things with this sentence; Oronbourgh, I believe should be Oreburgh. Also, after a semi-colon (;) you don't need to capitalize the next word.

I could go on and correct the whole story, but the mistakes were really what I pointed out earlier.

Description/Detail: I had mixed feelings about this; in some places you seemed to have really vivid and accurate description, while in others it was very blank and poor. I felt you could have fleshed out more description in more important places. Like characters; you gave a few words of description, then that was it. The same with surroundings, if you start describing them, don't stop untill you've made your point with them.

Also, the Pokémon should be described aswell, even brief descriptions telling us what they resemble, and what colors they are and such. ^^

Battle: This definitly got better, it was two-sided and well put out. I just think you could have used your surroundings a little more. But nice job here; you also described the attacks a little, which is nice. Just remember to use a variety of moves and be smart with the combos. ^^

Outcome: I put a lot of thought in; Snorunt not captured! This was a nice story, you just need to fix all the grammar mistakes, and add in a lot more description, and I'll gladly give you the little snow runt.

Thanks for the grade anyway. Even though i put 2 weeks into this, Im not going to give up. I really want a frosslass, And im not going to stop till i get snorunt. Expect an edit after school.
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Last edited by GreyScale; 05-20-2008 at 07:15 AM.
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  #6  
Old 05-21-2008, 08:20 PM
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Arrow Re: ..::~Snorunt And The Mystry Of The Snow Temple~::..

Well, I went over what I saw was wrong, And I hope it was enough to capture with regrade please Limelight.
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  #7  
Old 05-21-2008, 08:39 PM
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Default Re: ..::~Snorunt And The Mystry Of The Snow Temple~::..

Outcome: You seem to have added in some minor detail, but the grammar is still very bad. I don't think I need to point out all the mistakes, use an online spellchecker. You used semi-colon's for speeches, that's wrong. And you forgot to capitalize 'i' for when someone speaks. D: Snorunt not captured! Your going to have to use a spellchecker to get the real mistakes.
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  #8  
Old 05-26-2008, 07:03 AM
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Arrow Re: ..::~Snorunt And The Mystry Of The Snow Temple~::..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Limelight View Post
Outcome: You seem to have added in some minor detail, but the grammar is still very bad. I don't think I need to point out all the mistakes, use an online spellchecker. You used semi-colon's for speeches, that's wrong. And you forgot to capitalize 'i' for when someone speaks. D: Snorunt not captured! Your going to have to use a spellchecker to get the real mistakes.
Lati-Chan.... I Read you WHOLE post and at the moment im on word fixing all the mistakes.Do reckon you could give me one last grade When im finised?
EDIT:ILL post it here when im finished
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Last edited by GreyScale; 05-26-2008 at 07:41 AM.
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  #9  
Old 05-26-2008, 07:52 AM
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Arrow Re: ..::~Snorunt And The Mystry Of The Snow Temple~::..

Yes, I finshed my proofread and im pretty sure im deserving of my favourite pokemon.
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  #10  
Old 05-26-2008, 03:06 PM
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Default Re: ..::~Snorunt And The Mystry Of The Snow Temple~::..

Alright, I'll do a re-grade. But instead of just the outcome, I'll add the grammar part too.

Grammar/Spelling: I'll admit it, your grammar has improved a lot. I just don't think that you understand. You seem to be making mistakes once, then you have the same thing right all the rest of the time in your story. It really doesn't make any sense to me. I've noticed how after someone speaks, you left a space then typed. Then once in your story you didn't use a space or a capital letter. It just really confuses me.

Just remember that you always capitalize 'I' if your saying ex. 'I have a bowl of fruit.' As your telling us that you have a bowl of fruit. Along with Pokémon associated things, they should always be capitalized. You learn a lot of this stuff in fourth grade, which apparently your either in or past. Please, remember; you only need to capitalize peoples names/important people, places, important things. Pokémon-wise you need to capitalize items, attacks, Pokémon and anything else.

I noticed a lot of times you capitalized words in the middle of sentences. I'll give you a couple of examples to show you.

Quote:
The Earthquake Of a life time, or a myth?
Why did 'Earthquake' deserve a capital letter, unless it was someone's name, a place, or a move, then it doesn't need to be capitalized. 'The' was the first word in the sentence, which makes it okay for 'the'.

Quote:
"Thanks for that Cathy, And thanks for being here John Indigo.” Daryl said
You don't need to capitalize anything after a comma, unless of course it's a name/place/person or Pokémon associated.

Quote:
“Wow, That sure is a lot of snow there guys.” I said.
Again, you don't need to capitalize the next word after a comma.

That's all the major times when it happened. I'd also like to say another thing; NEVER USE GAME ABBREVIATIONS. Seriously, some people havn't played the game, and to some people (including me) it just sounds pretty wrong. Instead of using an abbreviation, try just using 'health', but don't use 'hit points'. It doesn't really sound right.

Well, I'm done nit-picking. There still are quite a few grammatical mistakes, but I've pointed the major ones out. So I hope you can find the rest on your own. Don't be lazy on this section for future stories though, because after seeing this, graders won't go easy on you. Also, you should try and keep your grammar this good when you post aswell.

Outcome: This was still a little borderline for me, the grammar has greatly improved though, even though the description lacks a little, I'll say Snorunt captured! I won't let you away next time, I just know how much you want the little critter, and how much your grammar has improved. Well done.
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  #11  
Old 05-26-2008, 03:56 PM
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Arrow Re: ..::~Snorunt And The Mystry Of The Snow Temple~::..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Limelight View Post
Alright, I'll do a re-grade. But instead of just the outcome, I'll add the grammar part too.

Grammar/Spelling: I'll admit it, your grammar has improved a lot. I just don't think that you understand. You seem to be making mistakes once, then you have the same thing right all the rest of the time in your story. It really doesn't make any sense to me. I've noticed how after someone speaks, you left a space then typed. Then once in your story you didn't use a space or a capital letter. It just really confuses me.

Just remember that you always capitalize 'I' if your saying ex. 'I have a bowl of fruit.' As your telling us that you have a bowl of fruit. Along with Pokémon associated things, they should always be capitalized. You learn a lot of this stuff in fourth grade, which apparently your either in or past. Please, remember; you only need to capitalize peoples names/important people, places, important things. Pokémon-wise you need to capitalize items, attacks, Pokémon and anything else.

I noticed a lot of times you capitalized words in the middle of sentences. I'll give you a couple of examples to show you.



Why did 'Earthquake' deserve a capital letter, unless it was someone's name, a place, or a move, then it doesn't need to be capitalized. 'The' was the first word in the sentence, which makes it okay for 'the'.



You don't need to capitalize anything after a comma, unless of course it's a name/place/person or Pokémon associated.



Again, you don't need to capitalize the next word after a comma.

That's all the major times when it happened. I'd also like to say another thing; NEVER USE GAME ABBREVIATIONS. Seriously, some people havn't played the game, and to some people (including me) it just sounds pretty wrong. Instead of using an abbreviation, try just using 'health', but don't use 'hit points'. It doesn't really sound right.

Well, I'm done nit-picking. There still are quite a few grammatical mistakes, but I've pointed the major ones out. So I hope you can find the rest on your own. Don't be lazy on this section for future stories though, because after seeing this, graders won't go easy on you. Also, you should try and keep your grammar this good when you post aswell.

Outcome: This was still a little borderline for me, the grammar has greatly improved though, even though the description lacks a little, I'll say Snorunt captured! I won't let you away next time, I just know how much you want the little critter, and how much your grammar has improved. Well done.
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANKYOU
*GOES AND JUMPS ANOUT HOUSE YELLING
" CAPTURED SNORUNT "
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