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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 04-24-2008, 09:26 PM
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Default Machop the Runaway

It was a cold summers day, the wind was blowing gently, the sun was nowhere to be seen, and the sky was filled with clear white clouds. All of Hoenn was peaceful, all except for Slateport City. In Slateport City, the wind whistled all around, telling the birds to chirp more. There was some loud noise coming from the Museum, and not everyone was happy about it.

“GET OUT OF OUR CITY!” Some angry protesters shouted in unison. They all had long white t-shirts with the slogan, ‘Pick on someone your own size!’ Everyone was peering over at the Museum, even if they were over at the crimson roofed Pokémon Centre. Some big black, shiny vans were driving along the middle of the neatly bricked road. Men that looked like secret agents, or worked for the government were there. They had their fully black, with white shirt suits. They had dark navy and black sunglasses on. They were all very organised, hopping out of the vans one by one. They all looked almost identical.

They had neat haircuts, with their hair being very short, and usually a dark grey colour. There faces were flawless despite the wrinkles. They were marching as if they were in the army or something.

Then it came, a little grey van with two Pokémon on it, there was a Machop and a Poliwag. The Poliwag was a navy tadpole like creature, its eyes were big and its lips were a bright pink colour. Its mouth was a small, oval shape, and it’s body was just so round. The Machop, on the other hand was like a human, except with a sort of six-pack that most humans wouldn’t have. His skin was a sky blue colour, and his eyes were big and the pupils were red. He had small little grey things on his head too. The van drove up near the museum, and stopped.

“Ladies and gentleman, guys and girls, cats and dogs, welcome to the Dynamic Duo!” An announcer said he was wearing a white and red t-shirt, along with matching white and red shorts. He had white boots on; they were like what women would wear.

The van door was a sliding one; it slid open and two small figures hopped out boringly. They walked slowly along the clean, bricked ground. It was Machop and Poliwag, instead of looking enthusiastic and happy like all performers should, they looked bored and tired. They tried to look happy by doing small dances as they walked.

A small boy, he looked about seven years old, having short, fluffy brown hair, and a small mullet going down his neck. He had a happy smile, and he had a pure white and blood red t-shirt. He looked worried, as if he wasn’t happy with the state of Poliwag and Machop.

He looked like he was going to go over and comfort them or something, whatever it was, it was a good thing. The small boy was in the people packed crowd, it was full of yahoos and freaks, and they were screaming and shouting about nothing. The small Machop and Poliwag started to tremble because of the noise. The small little boy ran out of the crowd, he then decided to slowly walk to the side of the van, where he could get Machop and Poliwag. Suddenly, something erupted in the crowd. Even though it wasn’t even started yet, nor had any music been turned on, some drunken man got out of the crowd.

“Thank you! Whooooooo!” He shouted, with his shrill, drunken voice reaching everyone. He had three small, black hairs on his head; they were curled up in a cute fashion. He had dirty, wrinkled horrible skin. His hair was wild, long and untamed. It was a black colour, with a ton of curls stuffed into the back, front and sides of it.

He was drunk on his own rage, Poliwag and Machop started to cry at him, alerting and warning him to leave. But he ignored them continuously. Machop started to bang his hands together, making loud warning noises. But the drunk ignored him, Machop’s bright blue skin started to burn, it turned into a light red colour. His face then went a to blood red, crimson sort of colour, Machop was really frustrated. The small boy watched, panicking about if Machop was going to hit him.

Machop raised his hands, and hit the drunk, weird man off his feet. He landed with a thump onto the ground.

“Hey, little weird thing, you just knocked me down!” He said, his deep voice sounding dopier every time he talked or said anything.

“Machop!” Machop cried back at him, showing no fear to his drunken rage.

Machop stood his ground, not fearing the man, knowing that he could easily make him faint by attacking him. Instead of attacking, Machop let out small roars of alert. Telling him to leave. The small boy standing beside the van trembled in fear of the small Machop.

The drunken man raised his hand to Machop, he had a small, see-through bottle of rum or some kind of beer, and it was tinted green though. He raised it to Machop. Machop took a step back, he was scared. The man lashed his hands while holding the bottle, down at Machop. Machop put his hands on front of his head, right before the bottle hit him, the kid ran out. The little boy ran like a train and scooped Machops small little bottom into his arms.

He kept on running, he ran out of the crowd and into the wide-open Slateport City. The boy’s hair was blowing of his head in the light breeze, and his hair was ruffled as well. He ran through the beautiful, white-bricked paths of Slateport. He was heading for the Slateport Market.

He ran through a small patch of flowers, it was lush green grass, and a rainbow full of flowers, there was crimson, light pink, sunny yellow and so many more wonderful bright colours.

“Don’t worry, I’m Alex, I’ll take care of you,” Alex said happily, hugging Machop joy-filled. He had just remembered Poliwag was still there, but he wasn’t going to risk Machop being hit by that man.

The little boy ran, he ran and ran as if his life depended on it, his small little legs began to grow tired, after about twenty-seven minutes of running across the vast paths of Slateport City.

Alex was really tired, but he then came to the entrance of the Market. There was a big beige and red sign. It read “The Market, hey big spenders, come on over here!”

It was a very inviting slogan on the sign. It made everyone want to go in and spend all their money, which is exactly what the shop owners want them to do. Alex then ran over to small stall, it had bamboo sticks holding it up; they were a yellow beige colour with little rings going up and down them. It had a big royal blue sign that read ‘Items Galore!’

Alex knew maybe he could get something for Machop to eat or snack on, it wasn’t likely there’d be anything cheap enough, but he thought he might be able to steal something from under the shopkeepers nose.

Alex sneaked over to the bamboo held stall with Machop, he released Machop from between his arms. Him and Machop then sat right beside these long tablecloths like materials; they were hanging down obviously to cover anything underneath the stall table.

Alex peeked under the table, seeing a ton of unsold merchandise. There were small little crimson, emerald, ruby, and sapphire and lots of other coloured bottles. There were even little jars of mashed up food, solid brown food and so many others.

Machop reached in as soon as Alex pulled the tablecloth up, he smelt the food. Machops hand reached towards a little bottle of solid food, it was a salad sort of thing, and it had a green colour scheme to it.

As Machop reached in, Alex heard some distant screaming and shouting; he took his head from underneath the stall and got up.

“What’s that?” he said, confused what the noise was.

He looked up, and seen a small figure, he was wobbling to one side, as he was drunk.

“Uh oh… Machop, c’mon!” Alex said worriedly, “We got to get out of here!”

Alex and Machop ran like there was no tomorrow, racing to get away from the drunken man. For a drunken man, he sure was running fast, he was catching up with them quite quickly. He had caught up to them by the time they got to one of the smaller stalls, were small broken toys of all sorts were being fixed.

“END OF THE LINE, PRETTY BOY!” The drunken man shouted in anger, with a deep tone to his voice.

Alex had been caught by the long, curly haired man. He was holding the collar on Alex’s shirt.

“Let go of me!” Alex shouted, he was waving his arms and legs trying to break free from this wreck of a man, “Help!”

Machop started to shout a gibberish sort of sentence at the drunken man. The drunken man dropped Alex and his white and crimson red t-shirt. Machop then walked closer to the drunken man; he had a stance as if he was a boxer.

The man stepped back, and put his hand into his pocket, he was fiddling around looking for something, until; he brought a small sea green and a light green orb out of his pocket. It was white on the bottom half of the orb, while the top half was a sea green colour, with little decorated designs that were light green.

“I choose you, Makuhita!!” He shouted, without any hesitation at all, he swung his arm and the air, and threw the green orb and out came a small humanoid like creature. Its belly was puffy and its cheeks were tubby and large. It had orange skin along with navy boxing gloves and feet.

“M- M- M-…” Alex stuttered at the sight of the amazing little creature, he tried to summon the Machop he had, but he was too nervous and afraid he would lose. “Machop!”

“Alright then, let’s go, Machop!” Alex shouted enthusiastically, calling his Machop to battle the little Makuhita.

Makuhita and Machop both stood angrily, looking at each other as if this were a Texas showdown or something. Both of them were completely focused on winning this battle.

“Ok Maku, let’s start with a Low Kick!” The man shouted, he had gotten out of his drunken rage and was now completely steady and focused on the battle.

Makuhita pushed his arms out, as if he were in attack mode, and jumped over Machop, Machop’s small little head looked up as Makuhita jumped, Makuhita flipped several times in the air, before landing right behind Machop. He then put his small little navy circular feet and pushed Machops muscular little light blue coloured legs aside, he swept Machop off his feet, and Machop fell with a thump.

“Mach…” Machop sighed in pain, breeding heavily to regain some health.

“You okay, Machop?” Alex questioned worriedly. Sweat dripped down the side of Alex’s head, it wasn’t because of the battle was exciting; it was because he was worried about Machop.

“Machop, c’mon, let’s show him, use your Mega Punch!” Alex shouted happily, trying to encourage Machop to get up and show Makuhita what he’s got.

Machop got up, flicking dust off him like that, he then pulled his small light blue fist behind his head, and pushed out, hitting Makuhita straight in the face, Makuhita fell down, but then popped right back up. It was as if he was a bouncy ball or something. He wasn’t hurt nor injured after falling.

“Use Mega Punch again, Machop!” Alex shouted, encouraging Machop to keep going.

Machop did the exact same as last time, pulling his hand back to hit Makuhita, this time, he hit in the jaw, and Makuhita fell down, but he didn’t bounce back up as usual. Makuhita had a small bruise on the side of his big, orange left cheek. Machop had a smile on his face.

But Makuhita was angry, he decided to get up and finish this off.

“LOW KICK!” The man shouted from a distance, screeching to Makuhita loudly.

The Makuhita did a break dancing like move; he swung his big, round, sandy-coloured body along the ground and his legs kicked into Machops again. Machop this time was in great agony, he had purple and blue bruises on his legs.

“Machop… Eh… Use… Errr….” Alex said, stuttering, he wasn’t sure what else Machop knew. When suddenly Machop took a long, deep breath and clenched his fists together, then tucked in his arms tightly. He ran at Makuhita like a herd of Tauros. Makuhita got nervous and didn’t get out of the way in time to be slammed right to the ground, this time it looked like they were both out. Machop’s eyes were shut tightly, as his teeth screeched together with pain. He held his shoulders, as they were hurt badly.

“Mach…” He stuttered in pain, slowly closing and opening his eyes. Machop grunted at Alex, a dark sea of sombre surrounded Alex’s head, as if he were to loose Machop in this battle, even though they weren’t that close.

“Ha, I knew this would happen, a pathetic kid and his loser of a Machop can’t even defeat me when I’m drunk! Ha, that’s pathetic.” The weirdo said, babbling to himself proudly.

“No, Machop!” Screamed Alex sadly, as the muscular Pokémon lay down on the ground helplessly. Alex watched as the man reached into his dark pockets, he pulled out a small, bloody red and clear white sphere. It had a small, 3-D grey button on it. Alex knew exactly what the small orb was. A Pokéball, and he knew what it was for too. Machop must have too. He got up and limped back towards Alex. A glint of fear was shining in his big eyes.

The man clenched the Pokéball in his palm and quickly swung his arm back, then throwing it forward, the Pokéball flew extremely fast across the air, spiralling powerfully. It was a blur of red and white in the air, it came down and hit Machop in the head, Alex gasped with shock, to know that his Machop could be gone. A bright red aura surrounded Machop, and he was absorbed into the Pokéball like the flick of a switch.

“MACHOP!” Alex screamed with despair, tears slid down the side of his rosy red cheeks, which then turned pale after the sight of Machop disappearing. The Pokéball fell onto the ground, it wobbled side to side continuously, and both the weird man and Alex watched it, waiting to see weather Machop broke free or was imprisoned in the Pokéball.

The orb rolled back and forth, one… two… Three… Was it caught?

Characters: [with spaces: 13-15k] [without spaces: 10-11k]
Wanted Mon: [Machop]
Needed Ch #: 5k-10k

Currently reserved by Leman :)
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Last edited by Lati-Chan; 04-27-2008 at 07:32 PM.
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  #2  
Old 05-04-2008, 08:48 PM
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Default Re: Machop the Runaway

K, I'm gonna start grading this now. D:


Plot:

A boy and his Pokemon go to some sort of rally that you didn't really talk much about. It seems like a very unpopular show. A drunk man comes, and a Machop tries to get the drunk to go away. The drunk tries to hit Machop, but the boy carries it away. Eventually the drunk catches up to Alex and Machop. The drunk battles the Machop, but Alex, who isn't to great of a trainer loses. Then, the drunk tries to catch it.

Interesting. The capture method was unusual, and somewhat unrealistic, but it was interesting. If you had described the Pokeball as some sort of evil ball that could steal Pokemon, that would make it more realistic. I understand that the Pokemon had not acctually been caught at that moment, but Machop had listened to Alex so yeah... D:

Your beginning was confusing. I have no idea why they were rallying like that. It makes more sense after reading that little summary you put in your stats, but you should put a bit more explanation in the story. Like, why was it so unpopular? D:

Introduction:

You introduce the character nicely. I like how he isn't the first thing you say. The description is nice, and I can see pretty much like what he looks like. I thought it was fine except for that bit of ambiguity that I have mentioned.

Grammar/Spelling:

Quote:
“Mach…” Machop sighed in pain, breeding heavily to regain some health.
That came out really, wrong. :x Breeding should be breathing. Try not to make typos like that, as they can completely change the meaning of sentence.

Your sentences also sounded somewhat repetitive after a bit. You either kept starting of the same way, like with 'then'.

Try no to create too many run on sentences, like:

Quote:
Makuhita pushed his arms out, as if he were in attack mode, and jumped over Machop, Machop’s small little head looked up as Makuhita jumped, Makuhita flipped several times in the air, before landing right behind Machop.
If that second comma was period it would make it not a run on, and a gramticallly correct snetence. Watch out for that sort of thing. D:

Length:

Good. D:

Details:

Overall you described it pretty nicely. You sometimes made odd descriptions, that to me didn't make much sense. Like:
Quote:
sky was filled with clear white clouds
Clouds aren't really clear and white at the same times, are they?

You also sort of contradicted yourself sometimes like:

Quote:
He had a happy smile, and he had a pure white and blood red t-shirt. He looked worried, as if he wasn’t happy with the state of Poliwag and Machop.
Happy and worry are two contrasting emotions.
Quote:
“M- M- M-…” Alex stuttered at the sight of the amazing little creature, he tried to summon the Machop he had, but he was too nervous and afraid he would lose. “Machop!”

“Alright then, let’s go, Machop!” Alex shouted enthusiastically, calling his Machop to battle the little Makuhita.
This is odd. How can someone be extremely timid, and then become extremely enthusiastic in a second. Whay is it in two seperate paragraphs?

Reality:

Could happen.

Battle:

You didn't use a variety of moves. Mainly Low Kick, and Mega Punch. Try to go with more than two. Both Pokemon have pretty large movepools that you can chose from. They're both pretty evenly matched, so your battle should be longer. In the future try to make the battles long, two sided, and using a variety of different moves. Maybe you can make the trainer have to use more that one Pokemon. That always makes it interesting.

Overall it was the worst part of the story. :(

Outcome:

Despite the poor battle, the story was good, so I'm gonna say, Machop Captured!! Work on the battles next time, and try working on the grammar. I'm pretty sure if you reread the story you can catch it.
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Last edited by Leman; 05-04-2008 at 10:52 PM.
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  #3  
Old 05-05-2008, 10:08 AM
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Default Re: Machop the Runaway

Thanks for the grade, Leman. :) I'll keep in mind what you said and work on it for next time. =)
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