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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 05-02-2008, 10:58 PM
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Default The Claws of the Monkey

In the darkness of night, a lone silhouette scampered through the forest, fleeing some unknown terror. Then, the blood curdling scream of a Luxray in hunt pierced the night. The silhouette seemed to freeze for a moment, and then resumed his flight from the Luxray. Mankey's small circular torso rose and fell with quickened breaths caused by the adrenaline coursing through his veins. Mankey took stock of his surroundings, he noticed small dew drops dripping, the pale orange of an upcoming sunrise, but Mankey dared not stop long to take notice of these beautiful surroundings. Mankey thought to himself, "How did I end up in this predicament? Hunted by a Luxray, with nowhere to run? I'm only three! I'm too young to die! " Then bitter memories surfaced to his consciousness. It had been a nice day like any other, He had been running around and playing with his friends. Then the fight broke out. One of Mankey's friends started going into a trademark Mankey rage. Mankey fearing for the well being of his friends, calmly gave his friend a chestnut. Since chestnuts were favorite foods among most Mankeys, His friend calmed down. Then it dawned on the group, Mankey had showed no agitation whatsoever, and all Mankeys were supposed to have short tempers. Realizing that there was a threat to the Mankey way of life, Mankey's friends did the only thing they could think of. They tried to take him down and then desert him. Mankey saw what was going on in the minds of his friends, and knew that he had very little time left before they attacked, so he did a very human thing, or at least it was thought to be human trait among Mankeys. Mankey turned tail and fled.

The Howl came once more and Mankey was jarred from his thoughts. He had to do something, but what could he do? A Luxray would be too powerful for Mankey to handle, and Luxrays can find prey no matter where they hide. Then, Mankey burst out of the forest, and saw a sight no wild pokemon has ever seen before. In front of Mankey was the shimmering lights of Eterna city. Behind him, he heard the dismayed scream of his pursuer. Mankey did not understand why the Luxray would be dismayed to find Mankey cornered, since no wild pokemon in their right mind would go into a human settlement. Then, it dawned on Mankey that humans use electricity to power their many machinations, so maybe the many flowing electrical currents are blinding Luxray. Without wasting time to test his theory, Mankey scampered off into Eterna City. As Luxray's cry grew fainter, Mankey's confidence grew stronger, and he moved deeper into the human city. Mankey found an empty trash can and decided to sleep in it. As Mankey lay curled up in the trash can, he thought about why this had to have happened. eventually, Mankey fell into a deep sleep.

Warren blinked rapidly as the sun shone in his sea green eyes. He ran off in the direction of the Eterna city gym, feeling the wind make his brown hair toss wildly around.. With what seems like a shriek of protest, the doors squeak open and Warren steps in. Then, Warren awakes to a soft touch. Warrens smile of contentment twists into a frown of unhappy surprise as his brother looks over him. Warren yells, "What the heck are you doing here Mike?". Mike stares at him for a few moments, but soon shrugs and walks away. With look of shame on his face, Warren remembers that his brother had become a mute a year ago when trying to catch a Koffing, and all human doctors said that the cause was due to the smog that Mike must have inhaled. Warren ran down to the bottom of the stairs to the first floor the Eterna city Pokemon center. Warren bolted to the doors and was about to open them, but then he heard a voice behind him say," Young boy! Don't forget your pokemon!". Warren turned around and took the Pokeballs from the nurse and ran out the door. As Warren neared the entrance of the Pokemon gym, he noticed a crowd of people already waiting there. Soon, he heard the gym leaders feminine voice address the crowd. Warren sped up his pace, but didn't make it. The speech was over and the crowd was mumbling with each other. Warren sneaked near enough to hear a conversation. Minutes later, he walked from the crowd with a look of pure dismay. A Mankey had been seen in the streets at night and the gym leader was hunting it, so until it is caught, the gym will be closed!

With a new look of Determination, Warren set off to find the Mankey and then get his badge after disposing of the Mankey's wild self. By the afternoon, Warren had found no leads and was too hungry to even walk with coordination. Warren stepped into the Pokemon center to get food. There was yet another crowd in a Pokemon center, and Warren sighed with the monotony.In the center of the crowd a man screamed,"You all must listen to me! Pokemon are invading our town! The Mankey was not the first! I heard a Luxray Too!". At that moment Warren became bored with the constant screaming and left, but those words burned in his mind. Warren stepped out of the Pokemon center for the second time a little more enriched with knowledge and food. He set out to an alleyway where he had heard a Luxio had been sighted. As he ran into the alley, sounds of a battle entered Warren's ears.

Panting, Mankey jumped at his adversary, slicing its flesh with glistening claws. His opponent sparked with electricity and charged at Mankey Mankey jumped out of the way too late and brushed against his opponent. Mankey screeched in pain as he felt jolts up his spine. Mankey fell to the ground, with no more fight left in him. Mankey stared in awe as red light flashed through the air and took the form of a dog. The Dog enthusiasticly yelled, "Snubbul!" and plowed into Mankey's adversary. Snubbull's fangs glowed with a red hot intensity as it jumped at Mankey's mystery foe. The fangs sunk into the flesh of the pokemon and soon the fur of the pokemon was alight with fire! Snubbull leaped away from his new foe and watched as it writhed in pain from the fire spreading across its fur. Mankey's eyes widened as he saw what he had been fighting. In front of Mankey stood a full grown Luxio, obviously sent By Luxray to retrieve the prey that Luxray lost. Snubbul charged at the Luxio, opening his jaws wide in an attempt to knock out Luxio. Luxio jumped out of the way and quickly turned around. Luxio's fangs glowed as sparks of electricity jumped between his to main canine teeth. Luxio barked in triumph and sunk its teeth into the Snubbull. Snubbull's voice twisted into one of pain and surprise. Luxio stared into Snubbul's eyes even as Snubbull closed his eyes. A red beam shot from the shadows and engulfed the Snubbull, even as a second beam shot out to tabe the form of some kind of worm. The worm charged into the surprised Luxio's side and knocked Luxio into a wall. Luxio's eyes slowly closed and the worm stood triumphantly over the loser. Warren stepped out of the shadows to look at the still burning Luxio. Warren turned his head around and stared directly at the Mankey. Warren tossed the empty sphere he had been holding onto the paralyzed Mankey.

Something in Mankey Snapped as he saw that red and White sphere arc towards him. Mankey screeched in his thoughts, " Have I just gone through my entire life just to be enslaved by this thing?" The red light engulfed Mankey and healed his wounds and ailments. With all his might, Mankey flung himself against the metal sphere he was in. He was rewarded with a light snaking in through a minuscule crack in his prison. With renewed vigor, Mankey battered the crack until he felt the sphere shudder and open to release Mankey. Mankey stared for a moment at the dismayed human and then ran off into the forest. Mankey looked for the first time at the scenery he missed during his flight. Then, as if it had been waiting for him, Luxray burst out of the bushes. In a sinister tone, Luxray growled," Finally I'll get that monkey pork I've been craving." Mankey stared at Luxray with fear but he did not run, he knew it had to end now. Mankey screeched and leapt into the trees, and then jumped at the Luxray with great momentum. Luxray say Mankeys arms form a cross, and jumped to the side. Mankey fell into the dirt, but got up and leaped again at Luxray, this time slashing with a fury swipes. Luxray ducked and then bit at Mankey's belly with fangs crackling with energy. Mankey screeched, but remained calm and jumped back onto the tall oak tree. " Are you just going to sit up there like a-," Luxray started to say, but its sentence was cut short bt a knock to the head from Mankey's stick. Luxray snarled at Mankey and snapped at the stick, but Mankey was quick enough to jump out of the way. Mankey slashed through Luxray's flesh multiple times before Luxray screamed in pain and let out a wave of discharging electricity. the wave hit Mankey full force, But Mankey held his ground long enough to wait it though. Luxray looked drained by the fight, and he kept coughing. Mankey was not in better shape, but Mankey ran up close to Luxray and started kicking and punching Luxray at close range. Luxray finally shuddered and fell to the ground.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Mankey saw the black Caterpie facing him with determination. Mankey leaped forward and tried to cut it with his claws, but the Caterpie merely shot out a lasso of sticky silk to bind Mankey's legs. Warren walked up with another sphere in his hands. Mankey's eyes widened and he started struggling against the silk he was bound in. " Never will I be a slave!" Mankey thought, " This pink thing will not control me! I have done too much, lived so little, it just cannot end this way!" Mankey was once again engulfed in the red light, with as much defiance as before. The sphere wiggled once, twice...


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Last edited by Chared; 05-13-2008 at 12:36 AM.
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  #2  
Old 05-06-2008, 11:35 PM
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Default Re: The Claws of the Monkey

Yay! its finally ready to be graded! I hope I catch him so I can name him Okorizaru
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Last edited by Chared; 05-07-2008 at 10:33 PM.
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  #3  
Old 05-08-2008, 07:32 AM
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Default Re: The Claws of the Monkey

Alright, I guess I'll take this. =)

Introduction/Plot: Alright, so a young Mankey is suddenly being chased by a vicious Luxray. He is running through the forest and it's nighttime, a usual time for Luxray to hunt. The faint howls of the Luxray get closer. After awhile of running, Mankey comes out to bunch of beaming lights of Eterna City. He decides he has to go to escape from death's gory prison. He came into Eterna City, and hides in a trashcan for the night. Then it turns out that tons of people know about it. A random guy named Warren is brought into it and he decides to go after it and yada yada capture. :x

This plot wasn't too original; at the start I was really absorbed into the story because you included those "scary" words. It was ok at the start, then ear the end you began to lose out on what the original point was. Maybe it could've ended in Luxray coming into the city and trying to fight Mankey. Even little twists in the plot make stories much more interesting to read. This was a little random as well, first it's a Mankey and then you go to a random guy who we know nothing about. Maybe you could give Mankey a name, an age or something, more background on the characters would give us a better view of them. =)

The introduction definitely came out very nice. I liked how you brought Luxray into the intro straight away, and telling us about his scream was scary. You described everything really clearly in the introduction, all except for the surroundings. I wasn't sure what kind of forest it was, mainly because we didn't get any detail on it. Anyways, nice job here, except for the random plot. :3

Length: This was fine, you barely scratched the minimum though. Try and go at least 1k to be safe; at least that's what I'd do.

Grammar: You seem to have a good grasp of grammar, the only major mistakes I found were words that had no capital letters and typos. Just some others mine things btw; Remember to always capitalize the word "Pokémon" and any words associated with it. [e.g Pokédex, Pokéball etc]

Quote:
Then, the blood curdling scream of a Luxray
"blood curdling" should be "blood-curdling".

Quote:
Then The fight broke out.
"The" doesn't need to be capitalized.

Quote:
Mankey fearing for the well being of his friends, calmly gave his friend a chestnut.
You don't need a comma after "friends".

Quote:
. eventually, Mankey fell into a deep sleep
The first word of every sentence needs capitalization. ^^

Quote:
In front of Mankey was the shimmering lights of Eterna city.
"was" should be "were". :3

Quote:
Warren yells, "What the heck are you doing here Mike?".
You don't need a full stop after you've already put one. You see the question mark? The little dot at the end is considered a full stop, or that's what you have to image it as. Meaning there's already one there.

Quote:
,"Young boy! Don't forget your pokemon!".
"pokemon" should be capitalized. Also, fullstop at the exclamation mark already.

All right, other than that there are no major mistakes, well done. ^______^

Description/Detail: I had mixed feelings about this. You appear to be going in a pattern; you start with the description, then it goes away. It was like that for a lot of the story. Even when you were describing, it wasn't really that clear. Always try and describe the surroundings, emotions, senses and characters. You didn't describe as much as expected either... What about Mankey? I know we have all probably seen a Mankey in the game or something, but what does he look like in your opinion? A small, kung-fu Monkey? I get an image from that already. What about Luxray, I don't think he appeared in person to Mankey, but was there hunger in his deathly eyes? Anything? Describing things is like painting a picture, you don't want a blurry one, do you? So, the description was quite poor, sorry. Just remember to describe characters, surroundings, sight, emotions and anything else you need to.

Battle: This was a bit better, and it was two-sided, but you must remember; The Pokémon you want to catch must be in a battle somehow or someway. The fact that Mankey only took one attack wouldn't class as a battle. :| The battle that did go on was quite good though, you described each of their pain very well and some of the attacks. Though Luxray and Snubbul have a pretty big move pool, so you could've used a variety of moves. Also, try and use your surroundings in anyway as possible, maybe Snubbul could've grabbed the lid of a trashcan and hit Luxray with it. (Not that it would happen it real life x_x)

Outcome: This was a tough decision for me, but for the lack of detail I'm going to have to say; Mankey not captured! If you can describe the characters, surroundings and emotions a little more, I'll be able to give you the little Monkey. ^^
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Last edited by Lati-Chan; 05-08-2008 at 08:14 AM.
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  #4  
Old 05-09-2008, 02:16 AM
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Default Re: The Claws of the Monkey

Thanks for the feed back, I'll work on that and revise it. I also understand what you said about the plot after reading it, I realized the plot kind of deteriorated. I'll try to keep that from happening in my next story. Also about the switching between Warren and, Mankey, I'm just trying to show both sides of a story, though I understand that it was confusing...
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Last edited by Chared; 05-12-2008 at 11:16 PM.
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Old 05-13-2008, 12:35 AM
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Default Re: The Claws of the Monkey

Ok, I revised and edited it... I hope I catch Mankey this time...
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  #6  
Old 05-13-2008, 03:43 PM
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Default Re: The Claws of the Monkey

Outcome: Well, you seem to have added quite an amount of description, fixed up some grammar mistakes; so with this, I have no trouble saying Mankey Captured! Have fun with the monkey. ;3
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Old 05-13-2008, 10:11 PM
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Default Re: The Claws of the Monkey

thank you!
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