Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 05-04-2008, 03:41 AM
aoboco Offline
Elite Trainer
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 772
Default The Lorain Files

Part I: This is the beginning of Cynthia Lorain's little journey. She doesn't like her perfect life, and is looking for excitement. When she stumbles upon a group of battlers, she is amazed at the way they battle, and wishes to join in. Unfortunately, she doesn't have a Pokemon. She gets a stranger to loan her his Glameow to catch one, though. At this time she already has a Pokemon in mind. Magikarp. The Magikarp that her parents had bought her as a pet. She couldn't stand it, now will she keep it?

Part II: Cynthia catches the Magikarp, but then realizes how useless a Magikarp is. The next day, she completely changes her outfit and hair and returns to the group of battlers. She watches an Aipom fight against a Zigzagoon before returning the Glameow to Spike. At first, he doesn't recognize her. He tells her most of the rules of the battles, and mentions that all of the Pokémon used here are wild. He gets her into the next fight, which is with the Zigzagoon from earlier. After a short battle, Cynthia attempts to catch the raccoon like Pokémon. Will she succeed?

Last edited by aoboco; 11-25-2009 at 09:20 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-04-2008, 03:51 AM
aoboco Offline
Elite Trainer
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 772
Default Re: The Lorain Files

OOC: The italics are used when the story is being told by Magikarp, in first person. Also, this is my first story... finally buckled down and wrote it.

Part I

Cynthia glared at the foul red fish. She never did like Magikarp. They were horrible creatures. They were boring, too. They never did anything! Worst of all, this huge one was her pet.

Cynthia got everything she wanted. Almost. She lived in a big house with a rich father and mother. Even with three younger sisters, there was plenty of money to go around. Everyone in this household, excluding the nanny, got everything they wanted. Almost. Cynthia had wanted a pet. She had said that any would do. Her parents, though, picked out the only pet she couldn’t stand. A big, ugly, Magikarp.

The nanny was asleep, and she would be for the next four hours, when a phone call from the parents would wake her up. Cynthia had time to spare to do whatever she wanted to do that was not allowed.

She left the house every day after her private tutor visited. One more year and she would be free of this restricting place. The girls weren’t allowed outside by themselves, but were trusted enough to abide by that rule. That trust was misplaced in Cynthia.

The nanny’s house key was on the elegant wooden table beside the grand double doors. Cynthia casually picked it up with the practice of one who does something every day. She checked the mirror above the table, making sure that her long brown hair looked nice. She brushed her bangs back, rather annoyed. Her parents liked long hair, but hated when it hid Cynthia’s brown eyes. The bangs kept doing just that, though.

When Cynthia was finally satisfied with how her bangs stayed out of her eyes, she unlocked the doors with a twist of her wrist. The door creaked as it opened, a testament to the age of the house. Even with the added things like a lock and a bunch of other new technology, the house itself was still old. This creaking wouldn’t wake the nanny, however. Only the telephone could. Her sisters would hear, but not tell. Cynthia was perfectly safe from her parents’ wrath. She always had been.

Picking through the mess of shoes in front of the door, she slipped on some flip flops. The familiar slap of flip flop on stone was heard only by her as she stepped outside. A barrage of fresh air was a nice change to the musty air of the house. Cynthia loved being outside. She slammed the door closed behind her, quickly locking it with her key.

There was little to do where she lived, but she knew where she could find some real excitement. The city. The city was only a couple miles away from her house, and a subway ran most hours of the day. Descending the steps away from her house, she crossed the expansive yard before making it to a highway. Few cars touched this highway, for most people took the subway. However, those who were moving, or just going on a trip, did take this way, and had to pay the toll. Those tolls kept the highway nice and smooth. Cynthia had to cross this to get to the subway station on the other side. Not bothering to glance both ways, she reasoned that she had only ever witnessed seven cars pass by in the last year. Of course, she had heard plenty of others, but, since she always came out at the same time of day, shouldn’t that mean that the same amount of cars would be driving around at the same time of day? She realized that it wouldn’t, but that really didn’t matter. She didn’t actually need a reason, after all.

The station to the station and the station itself were dark and damp. Dim lanterns hung from the walls, lit day and night for the simple reason that the workers were quite lazy. That was fine with Cynthia. It was the afternoon, after all, and the sun wasn’t shining down the stairway to show her where to step. The ticket booth was manned by a kid about her age. “Whadya want?”

“A ticket to the city.”

“What city?” The kid seemed barely awake, and was starting to annoy Cynthia.

“You know the city I’m talking about.”

“No, I don’t. Be more specific.”

“Please, everybody calls it The City around here. There isn’t another city for hundreds of miles!”

“Oh… that city. Why didn’t ya say so?”

“I did.”

“No, ya just said ‘the city.’”

“Well, that’s because I was talking about The City.”

“Ya know that ya got ta be more specific.”

Cynthia couldn’t take it anymore. She fell silent, and grabbed the ticket he gave her. Some people! At least the chat had wasted a little time. By the time she was done with him, the subway had pulled into the station.

“That’s yer ride.” The drone of the kid’s voice hit her ears.

“I know that’s my ride. What else would be?”

“Ya could walk.”

“If I wanted to walk, why would I buy a ticket?”

“I dunno. Ya may not of been thinkin’ straight.”

“My brain is fine, thank you.”

“I didn’t say nothin’ ‘bout yer brain. I said yer mind might not of been thinkin’ straight.”

“I’m still thinking straight.”

“Well, rich people are weird. Ya could of just bought it for any ole’ reason.”

“I bought it so that I could ride to The City!”

“What city?”

“Ugh!”

“What?”

“You!”

“What ‘bout me?”

“Can’t you stop talking? Or at least be more competent?”

“Just doin’ my job…”

Cynthia stormed away from him. What was wrong with him? Stepping onto the subway, she heard his last comment before the doors closed.

“No refunds!”

Cynthia spent the whole ride gnashing her teeth. The ride was a short one, though, and when it did stop, she was still in a bad mood. Pushing through the crowd of people that was always at the station in The City, she earned a few nasty looks and words. She really didn’t care, though. Just the other day she had heard of an underground Pokemon battling league. Except that it wasn’t really underground. It was just called that because it was supposed to be a secret. They had different rules than most leagues, and wasn’t exactly legal. Cynthia wanted to check it out.

She wasn’t exactly sure where this league would be, but she guessed that it would be in the old downtown. An earthquake had torn apart that part of the city and, rather than rebuild it, The City had built a new downtown area. Old Downtown was pretty much deserted. You would think that police would be prowling down there, what with it being the ideal place for criminals. However, they spent more of their time protecting the places where people actually lived, ensuring no crime to the citizens of The City.

So Cynthia walked in the direction of Old Downtown, thinking. There was a lot to think about. She could always entertain herself with impossible scenarios where the nanny actually woke up. That event alone was impossible. The rest she invented in her mind would have been possible if the first event was, but alas, they were all make believe. In no time she found herself lost, which was where she wanted to be. She had never gone to Old Downtown before, so it seemed pretty much like being lost. Except that she knew exactly where she was. Odd how that worked. Either way, she was where she wanted to be.

A call distracted her from her reverie, and she followed the voice to a large, flat area in between two buildings that were only about three stories tall. They had been ten stories before the earthquake. The rest of the buildings added to the rubble in street, making this flat area a rather rare sight. Not only was it flat, it was large. The rubble must have been cleared away. People leaned out of the windows in the buildings. Cynthia wasn’t sure that was too safe. The buildings looked like they would join their other seven stories as roadblocks. Behind those buildings were the remains of the bridge that crossed through the middle of Old Downtown. There had been three solid platforms to the bridge. They made it possible for cars to move across it in three different sections. The bottom and middle sections were encased by those solid platforms, and then the top was just the top of the bridge. At least, that was what it was like before the earthquake. Now the top two platforms had caved in against the bottom platform, some parts being smashed while the rest stood either straight up or in some diagonal position. More people lounged in the crevices this formation provided, or leaned over the railing that had fallen into place.


On the flat area stood two kids, both that appeared around the age of eight. An old man stood between them, hands in the air. A sharp sound pierced the air, and it took a moment for Cynthia to realize that there was a whistle held to the old man’s lips. He dropped his arms and stepped back.

Cynthia watched in fascination as Challenger One whistled and a Growlithe ran to his side. The boy nodded to the little dog who, in turn, started barking like crazy. A Houndoom joined them, closely followed by an Electrike. Challenger Two already had his Pokemon with him. At his side saw his loyal Vaporeon. On one shoulder stood a Mudkip and on the other rested a Meowth.

As the six Pokemon went at each simultaneously without direction from their trainers, Cynthia skirted the battle field. The fight really was odd. The trainers just watched on, saying nothing, while the fur flew. She saw the Growlithe biting the Meowth, before it got knocked away from one of Mudkip’s various water attacks. It was hard to tell which one for the chaos. While walking, however, she wasn’t watching where she was going, and bumped into someone who was standing closer than most to the fight.

“Excuse me,” Cynthia said quietly, trying to get around the person that was clothed in black. The shirt he wore was that foreboding black with red at the edge. Black jeans with stitched red at the bottom of each leg matched. Old sneakers crusted with mud almost completed the outfit. The last part was the hat, which covered much of the face in black. That hat was actually nothing special, just an old baseball hat so faded one could barely see the logo. It was pulled down, though, so that the visor was the thing covering his face.

“Who are you? I haven’t seen ya around… ya must be new. One question. Are you going to report us to the author-i-ties?” He articulated that last word oddly, Cynthia noticed.

“Why should I?”

“Have ya seen what is goin’ on?”

“Yeah… say, I won’t report you if you let me join in.”

“Do you have a Pokemon?”

“Well, no, but-”

“No Pokemon, no battle.” A Glameow climbed up the man’s back, coming to rest on his shoulder and wrapping its long tail around one of his arms.

“If you don’t let me in, I’ll report you.”

“Do ya have a way to get a Pokemon?”

“Well, I have a Magikarp at home… but it won’t likely come along willingly. Can I use one of your Pokemon to, er, coax it to come along?” Cynthia could tell that the man was sizing her up, trying to decide whether to put his trust in her.

“Tell me where ya live, and I’ll give ya two days to return Glameow before I come afta’ ya.”

Cynthia nodded enthusiastically.

“Oh, and while ya at it, ditch the pink. You stick out like a sore thumb here. Find some black ta wear.” With that he used his free arm to tug the Glameow off of him and handed it over. The little cat, though, hissed at Cynthia and unsheathed its claws. “Calm down, Razor. Listen to this girl until you come back to me. Ya hear?”

“Glameow…” It stopped hissing, but still stared suspiciously at Cynthia. She reached out and took him from the man, placing him on her own shoulder for lack of better place. She had no Pokeballs. As soon as she did, though, he unsheathed his claws and sank them into her shoulder. She bit her tongue and winced, trying to keep back the scream of pain that itched to come out.

Looking toward the battle that had been going on during her conversation, Cynthia saw that the Growlithe lay motionless on the ground. The Vaporeon was bleeding badly and limping, but was still fighting. The Meowth was sprawled across the ground next to the Mudkip. Electrike and Houndoom were dancing around the Vaporeon, about to win. “Are they… dead?”

“Nah. When they’ve had enough, they do that. Last team standin’ wins. By the way, what was your name again?”

“Cynthia. Cynthia Lorain.”

“Name’s Spike. No fancy last name. When your born on the streets, you don’t gots a last name.”

Cynthia turned away from the battling, making her way out of Old Downtown, and toward home. That had been an eventful outing to say the least.

Last edited by aoboco; 11-25-2009 at 09:20 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-04-2008, 03:51 AM
aoboco Offline
Elite Trainer
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 772
Default Re: The Lorain Files

Cynthia was so wrapped up in the memories of the strange battle and the man that she had met, that Spike, that she actually ran into her front door. How did she get here? She wasn’t quite sure. Somehow she had paid for fare back and just walked up. And just kept walking… Thrusting the key into the door, she unlocked it and entered the house. Her flip flops were off her feet as soon as she could get them off, and the door slammed behind her. Running up the various staircases, she couldn’t concentrate on the house. She could only think of how many more stairs she would have to climb before reaching the top floor, and her room.

Cynthia made quite a racket, but the nanny didn’t wake up. Still. Of course, she didn’t expect her to. In the safety of her room, the girl pried loose the Glameow from her shoulder, flinching again when she saw the deep cuts. Gingerly placing him on the plush pink floor, she watched as his eyes went directly to the Magikarp. Directly to that amazing ugly, amazing huge, thing. It was uglier and bigger than most, and it was hers. Not only that, but she was willingly taking it with her! She would probably be keeping it forever! Oh, the dread.

She had to get this over with. She had to get the Magikarp to obey her. The only way to do that, though, would be to beat it in a battle. There was no telling how Cynthia knew this. It was just a gut feeling. That feeling had been there ever since she had first gotten the Magikarp. Still, she couldn’t help but give the little guy a chance. She just had to be fair.

Pulling the fish’s bowl down to the floor, she held on to the Glameow while explaining the deal to the Magikarp. “I’m being really stupid,” she thought to herself, but she couldn’t resist. “Okay, you two, fight…” What were Glameow’s moves? She didn’t know. “Um, Glameow, just, you know, scratch Magikarp up a bit.” She sat back to watch the battle.

What was Cynthia doing to me? Was she trying to prove something…? Did she sense that I would never listen to her; I would never obey her commands? Why else would she be sending this Glameow to fight me? I had to fight back. I had to keep my independence, my dignity. I had so much on the line… if only she knew.

By Cynthia doesn’t know. She has no clue what I have gone through. She doesn’t know that I was stolen from my friends and family to come live here. I was stolen from the open water to live in a bowl. Why couldn’t this family just buy one from a Pokemart? The answer was simple. They had to have the best. They had to have the best of everything, including Pokemon. Especially Pokemon pets.

The family was greedy, was all I could say. I knew for a fact that Cynthia didn’t like me. She hardly even fed me! It was all because of that youngest daughter, though I didn’t know her name, that I was still alive. Now Cynthia took an interest in me. But for what purpose? For her own personal gain, I suspected. That seemed to be the way things worked around here. Everyone watched their own backs. They didn’t watch anyone else’s. It was eat or be eaten. Cynthia was the predator. I was the prey.

The prey could fight, though. They prey could defy the predator. In some rare cases, even, the prey could trick the predator. The prey could turn the tables. The prey could win. I was going to be that piece of prey. I was going to be the one that gave the predator the shock of her life. I would win this battle against the Glameow. I would win. The girl couldn’t possibly catch me, she had no Pokeballs. At least, yesterday she didn’t… Of course, yesterday she didn’t have the Glameow either, but now she did.

Cynthia started speaking, telling about how the battle would work. I didn’t care. I would battle anyway I wanted. I cringed as I heard her directions to the Glameow. This would be one painful battle.

All too soon, the Glameow was upon me. Or at least above me. I saw his paws gripping the glass of my bowl, trying to stay on top. His mouth twisted into a grin. No, not a grin. A sneer. Yes, that was it. The grin was a sneer. That cat thought that he would win easily enough. Well, he was about to be proven wrong.

I watched, trying to fake oblivion, as the Glameow relieved one of the front paws from the duty of holding his small body up. That little paw slowly approached. As if that wasn’t enough, the anticipation made time seem to dramatically slow down. It was almost unbearable, waiting for so long for my chance. Patience was key, though, so I waited. I heard the loud beating of my heart, going a mile a minute. A mile every slow minute. It was the only fast thing in this world. I waited for the slowness to break into a rocket of speed. I waited for the tension to snap.

Just like that, time resumed to normal, no, to double speed. The paw was dipped skillfully into the water, claws unsheathing just as the Glameow began his graceful ark upwards. It was intended to spear me, I knew. I, though, had a few tricks up my sleeve. Swimming faster than I ever knew I could swim, I outran his paw to the surface. Using my momentum, I jumped high out of the air. It was high enough to tempt the cat to a point where he couldn’t resist swiping at such an easy target. He had to use his other paw, however. The sudden off balance did too things. One, it made him miss me by an inch, and two, it made him fall headfirst into the bowl.

So I said the family was rich and got the best of everything. Well, I had never truly appreciated that they did until now. Because of this, my bowl was exceptionally large compared to a normal bowl, or so I would have to guess. I just never noticed it before, because I had always longed for water without walls. Because of the size, though, it allowed for Glameow to fit his whole body inside and still give me plenty of room to maneuver.

Landing with a splash, I had no time to look at the expression on Cynthia’s face. I imagined complete awe, though that was rather unlikely. Now, though, was not a good time for daydreaming. I had to concentrate. There was a fish castle in one corner, large enough for me to fit in, and not much else. Wiggling, I got ready for my next move. With a great sweep of my tail fin, I sent my huge body hurtling toward the cat.

Glameow, though, was too fast for me, even in the water. In swiped at me from above, pinning me to the ground. I felt a bunch of weight being pressed down on me. That cat sure weighed a lot for its size! My eyes felt like they were about to pop out, the edges of my vision were becoming black when Glameow finally let up on me. He was sitting up, so I guessed he had used the time to push himself up. His claws unsheathed again. I had been preoccupied at the time they had been sheathed, so I couldn’t recall when that had been.

I really only had one choice now. Twisting around as best as I could at this point, I found myself in a rather uncomfortable position. My scales felt like they were going to fall off from the stretching, but I eventually elongated myself enough to be able to bite the cat’s paw. I didn’t actually have teeth, so I didn’t hurt him, but the mere thought of my biting him was enough to stun Glameow. In his moment of weakness, I wriggled out from beneath his paw and tried throwing myself at him again.

This time my weak tackle connected, startling him out of his shock. Anger swept over his face like a plague, and he swiped at me. Was that all he could do? I dodged easily enough. This was my turf. Flapping my fins as wildly as I could, I propelled myself toward the castle. Glameow pursued me.

I hadn’t counted on my strength deserting me. The adrenaline suddenly left me. The thought that I would be safe seemed to suck all the extra energy the thrill of the battle had given me. I fell to the floor of the bowl. Flailing, I tried to crawl through the fine sand. Maybe I could still make it…

But no, alas I couldn’t. I realized that long before Glameow expressed his full wrath. Once again time slowed, as my fate became clear. I couldn’t go on. Something sharp easily drove through my scales, right into my flesh. The sand raced away from me as some mysterious force pulled me up. I was going to die. I knew it. I had taken it too far, and now I would be punished. I wouldn’t have to obey Cynthia’s orders, but rather, I would die. I could feel it in my tired bones.

Soon after the sand was gone from beneath my fins, the water released its grip on me. When my ascent finally stopped, I waited. I tried to savor my last moment alive, but it was no use. It was just too hard…

Then Cynthia’s voice reached me. She was telling Glameow to release me! I wouldn’t die! Excitement coursed through my veins, until I realized that I would still have to do as Cynthia said. I didn’t mind that quite so much anymore, though, for I believed that, after that display, she might treat me with a little more respect. Air rushed past me as a fell. Expecting water, I was utterly surprised when a dry substance took hold of me. It seemed to sprout up and wrap its fingers around me. What was it? What was it?


Cynthia nodded to Glameow as he dropped Magikarp to the carpet. She had been truly amazed by the fight that this ugly thing put up. Withdrawing her single Pokeball, she smiled. She had known that she would need this. Just the sight of the thing helped her recollect buying it from The City on her way back to the subway. Taking a deep breath, she tossed it at Magikarp.

A red light hit the Pokemon, making his scales shine for the first time. The light enveloped him, and all at once it was gone. Magikarp was gone. He was in the Pokemon. The Pokeball rocked back and forth. That Magikarp wasn’t ready to give up yet. Hopefully it would be soon. Back and forth, back and forth, almost in a manner meant to hypnotize, until finally...

OOC: Please excuse the grammar of some the people who are talking. It is meant to be that way.

Last edited by aoboco; 11-25-2009 at 09:21 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-07-2008, 11:27 PM
aoboco Offline
Elite Trainer
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 772
Default Re: The Lorain Files

This is ready for a grade!
Words: 4,074
Characters (no spaces): 17,771
Characters (spaces): 21,846
Pokemon: Magikarp
Difficulty: Easiest (3,000 - 5,000)

Actually, it was ready on the 4th, but I forgot to say that it was...

Last edited by aoboco; 05-13-2008 at 09:47 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-15-2008, 08:07 PM
The Jr Trainer's Avatar
The Jr Trainer Offline
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 8,426
Send a message via AIM to The Jr Trainer Send a message via MSN to The Jr Trainer Send a message via Yahoo to The Jr Trainer Send a message via Skype™ to The Jr Trainer
Default Re: The Lorain Files

Story/Plot: Aha, this was different from the usual Magikarp story. It wasn't just that 'goes to pond/lake/[area with water],' but it was more of an actual story not just a cliche beat off of some other boring story. XD But down to business, I can't really say this was bad at all since it was just about the opposite of that. But one thing I do want to say is that since I'm assuming that the Cynthia character is from the anime (maybe not, couldn't tell), you can make up your own characters and it is really more looked up to than not doing it. But again, maybe its not the same person and I'm just too weird to not notice that. :P

Also, when you're writing for something as simple as a Magikarp, you don't have to strain your brain with writing like this. Make it easier for yourself, but don't put almost no effort into it, only make stress on yourself when you're writing something more complex, but for Magikarp or anything that is as easy as they are, just give a push of effort and let the story slid out. But, that's just my own kind of thing and maybe you like to write a lot more and make sure everyone gets the full grasp of it! I didn't really see anything more that I can say for this since it was about 50x better than anyone/thing would expect for something as a small little Magikarp.

You have a gift, and I can you're already using it! XD

Introduction:
Again, more than enough. It might not have got me as hooked as I would've wanted it to, but as I read into the story more I kept wanting to read a bit more. But sometimes the first paragraph can hook someone or make them not want to read the rest or any more of your story; that's just some people though.

This is good as well, keep it up!

Grammar/Spelling:
Nothing. I found nothing more than a few little mistakes that aren't worth mentioning because they're so feeble and useless to point out. Making my job hard I suppose. Again, as I've said good job with this and keep up the good work.

Length:
I don't think this needs to be discussed any further.

Detail/Description:
Oh joy. This was great, I could see everything I wanted to see. If I couldn't see it right away as you'd said it, later on I would see what they appeared as and get it all. The people, actions, things, just about everything was described well enough for me and I couldn't see you improving much on this. Once thing I do want to say though is that make sure you tell what the Pokemon themselves look like, as if the reader had never seen or heard of Pokemon! Yes this is a Pokemon Forum, but you need to describe anything and everything. You can even make small extras onto the Pokemon, like scarfs, facial hair (XD); just have fun with it and make it clearly stated, but not too dull at the same time like:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Boring
Cynthia finally got her hair in the right way that she'd wanted it.
But go the farther distance and do something like this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by You [Exciting!
]When Cynthia was finally satisfied with how her bangs stayed out of her eyes
You told us: what she did, why she did it, and what it looked like. That's just about the perfect thing you can do instead of just saying what she did with it, or just what color it was; however sometimes saying the color blantly can make it better, matters how you state it really.

Battle/Reality:
It was beleivable for sure, everything that I could get was human-like and if it wasn't it seemed correctly influenced into the story.

The battle was good for the small Magikarp, just make sure you have a few more attacks when getting into harder typed of Pokemon. I can't really say anything more since this was just about flawless. I might be able to see making it more of an anime battle and using the surroundings a bit more, which I can't stress enough. Make sure you use the surroundings (though its not needed) to the Pokemon's a advantages. And don't be afraid to use moves like Substitute, Screech, Tail Whip... and all those other underused- in stories- moves, they can make the battle pretty damn exciting. :P

Final Outcome:
Sorry this is pretty short, but there wasn't much to comment on since it was just about flawless and perfect. I would give you 4 Magikarps for this one story, but since you're just going for one you get it!

Magikarp captured!!
__________________

Last edited by The Jr Trainer; 05-17-2008 at 07:31 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-18-2008, 12:07 PM
aoboco Offline
Elite Trainer
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 772
Default Re: The Lorain Files

Thanks for the grade I'll keep those things in mind for my future stories. Oh, and I don't know if Cynthia is from the anime... the only ones I've watched had just Ash, Misty, and Brock...

Last edited by aoboco; 05-18-2008 at 04:25 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-31-2008, 04:21 PM
aoboco Offline
Elite Trainer
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 772
Default Re: The Lorain Files (Part II out)

The italics are used when Zigzagoon is telling the story in first person. Also, I suggest that you read the first part to know what is going on, though I have tried to make things as clear as possible.

Part II

“Wait until Spike sees this!” Cynthia cried triumphantly. The Magikarp was hers! She would go back to Old Downtown and show everyone! She would beat everybody with her little… Magikarp. Realization sunk in. Magikarp. What was the little fish good for, anyway? That was a complete waste of time. She would have to return the Glameow to Spike and stand there, humiliated, with her Magikarp.

She didn’t even like the thing. The only reason she had bothered to catch it was so she could participate in those Pokemon battles that she knew was to become her haven. It was already a breeding ground for street scum. A little danger and thrill was all she was seeking. This sheltered life of hers didn’t give her much. No, it did give her a lot. A lot of material things, that is. She didn’t want material things, though; at least not the kind that her rich parents gave her.

“No, no, no, no, no!” Cynthia just had to vent her anger. Each ‘no’ was emphasized with a stomp of her foot. It didn’t matter how loud she was, no one would ever figure out what she had done; no one that would get her in trouble, anyway. Her three younger sisters may be able to figure out what happened, but not the nanny or her parents. The nanny was as useless as the Magikarp. She slept all day, waking up only when the phone rang. She would then have a short chat with Cynthia’s parents and go back to sleep.

“Is everything okay, Cynthia?” It was a small voice that was calling to her. It almost went unheard through the deafening chaos that ravaged through her mind. Pushing back the frustration and anger that had built up over a stupid little fish, she attempted to answer.

“I’m fine, Silver,” Cynthia called, struggling to keep her feelings out of her tone.

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah.” The intricately carved door opened slowly. Instead of looking a little above the doorknob as she usually would, she looked intently at the space a little bit below. Sure enough, that is where Silver’s lovely blonde head appeared. Her baby face wore that small, secretive smile that was a very familiar sight. Dressed in a scarlet, flowery dress, she was adorable. Billowing green sleeves swallowed her pudgy arms as she gripped the doorknob.

“You were yelling, Cynthia. I was worried about you.” Cynthia’s frustration melted into love as she heard the sweet voice of her youngest sister. Silver was the only person you could calm her down so quickly. Concern briefly passed through her as she realized how perfect the young girl’s speech was. Their parents had hammered speech and manners into them for years, but it was just sad to see a little girl unable to enjoy the careless speech of kids her age.

“Don’t be worried,” Cynthia cooed, sinking to her knees and thrusting her arms out. “Come here, you.”

A bigger smile flitted across Silver’s face before she came running for her big sister. That little girl must have been the most caring person in the world. Cynthia’s mouth turned up at the corners as she prepared to embrace her.

The Glameow, though, didn’t know Silver, and didn’t appreciate the new face anymore than he had appreciated Cynthia. Spike hadn’t told him to behave for Cynthia’s siblings. Claws were out in an instant. The little blue cat-like Pokemon was prepared to attack long before Silver came in range. Its long, thin tail lashed expectantly, ball of fluff on the end shaking violently. Only a few more steps and he would lunge.

Silver passed Glameow, and he decided to seize the moment. Launching himself from the plush pink carpet, he swung his front paws in a downward arc. The claws made contact with the girl’s arm, carving deep lines into the flesh.

Nothing happened for a moment, and then the waterworks started. Tears poured down Silver’s face. Cynthia grabbed the Glameow and roughly pulled him off of her poor sister. “Don’t you ever attack my family again!” Tears were threatening to emerge from her eyes, too, but she wouldn’t allow them to. She had to be strong, if only for her sister’s sake.

“Silver,” Cynthia began, but was forced to pause as she wrestled Glameow to the floor. Pressing one arm on the small Pokemon, she made sure that it wasn’t going anywhere. It struggled against her, though, and ended up tearing a bunch of pink carpet out of the floor. Cynthia didn’t care. “Silver, go talk to Monica. I’m a little busy with this stupid Glameow.” Without another word, the most precious human in the world ran from Cynthia’s room, in too much pain to remember to close the door behind her.

Anger flared up in her again, this time directed at the Pokemon under her arm. Her other hand pinched the loose fur on the back of the creature’s neck, not too accidentally grabbing skin as well. The arm that pressed him to the floor was pulled away. A screech bounced off her walls and traveled out of her room as she pulled the Glameow off the ground. “You are going back to your stupid trainer tomorrow, and then I never want to see you again!” Cynthia’s screech was almost as loud as the Glameow’s.

Carrying the cat over to what looked like part of her pink wall, she slammed a button with her free hand. A door slid open automatically, revealing a huge walk-in closet. Pink outfits of every design were either hanging neatly on racks or folded neatly on shelves. It was all sickening. Throwing the Glameow into the place didn’t do much to make it less so. Pressing the button again, she watched the door slide back into place. There. Now the thing could reflect on its poor choices. Or not. Cynthia wouldn’t if she were locked in a closet.

None of that mattered now. It was getting late, and her parents were coming home soon. She was expected to have eaten and be in bed when they arrived. There wasn’t time to eat, though, so she would have to skip, like always. There was another problem, though. The Glameow was in her closet, so she couldn’t change into pajamas. She could just sleep in her clothes, but really hated doing that. It didn’t look like there was much choice, though. After turning the light off, she crawled into bed.

The second that she was under the covers, Cynthia fell asleep. Her sleep was dreamless, though, so it passed rather quickly. When she was young, she used to have the most outrageous dreams. Her two youngest sisters still had them, and Cynthia tried to get them to really enjoy them, because they weren’t going to last forever. Monica agreed with her, having stopped having dreams herself.

Last edited by aoboco; 05-31-2008 at 04:31 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 05-31-2008, 04:22 PM
aoboco Offline
Elite Trainer
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 772
Default Re: The Lorain Files (Part II out)

Upon waking, the first thing that Cynthia noticed was that there was brown hair all around her. It was the same dark hue of her own. Sitting up, she didn’t even think about how it could have gotten there as she felt around her head. Her fingers brushed against something that didn’t feel like her hair. It felt like fur. It was the short, velvet soft fur of Glameow.

Cynthia let loose a scream as she tried to pull the thing from her head. She didn’t want that cat to cause any more damage to her beautiful hair! There was a pounding in her head that drowned out her own voice as pressure increased by way of thorn sharp claws. All at once, she was released from the Glameow’s vicious grasp and got the pleasure of seeing him being thrown forcefully to the ground.

Seeing that the Pokémon was taken care of, she turned to more important matters. More than anything else, she was worried about her hair. She had to get to a mirror fast. Her head swung around so wildly that the pink wallpaper, carpet, and just about everything else all blurred into one thing. One horribly pink blur, with no mirror in sight. Even when she had stopped moving, all she saw was that endless pink. Her eyes couldn’t work when she was focusing so hard on getting to a mirror. Where was that thing? Oh! She got it! It was in the bathroom!

Rushing to her door, Cynthia ignored the sharp pain that dug into her ankle. All she could think of was what that demon might have done to her hair. Without the recollection of even opening the door, her ears picked up the sound of it slamming open. Another slam signaled the bathroom door, and then her vision cleared from the pink haze. There was the mirror. A short haired, brown eyed, shocked face stared back at her.

Over the initial shock and fear that the Glameow might have done something horrible, Cynthia scrutinized her image. The short hair looked nice, actually. Her parents had always insisted that she kept her hair long, but this was much better. She would have to finish the job, though, since Pokémon were horrible hair stylists. While she was on a roll disobeying her parents, she could start wearing black instead of pink. Yeah, that sounded good. Hadn’t Spike told her to ditch the pink the other day?

Cynthia nodded to herself. Her mind was made up. Stealing out of the bathroom, she hurried through the morning preparations. The Glameow watched her, but made no more attempts to rip her hair out. There was only one problem. Black was not a color that could be found in her closet. Instead, she pulled on a light pink shirt that was too small for her and a darker pink pair of tight shorts. She didn’t like how they looked together, but few that she knew would see them.

Cynthia grabbed a wad of bills off of her bedside table and stuffed them into her pocket. There was a pair of scissors there, too, so she stuffed those, point down, in her other pocket. She would take care of her hair after getting some new clothes. Still angry at the cat like Pokémon, she delivered a swift kick to his side. The creature was quick to scamper away, but it couldn’t resist hissing on its way.

Paying no mind to the Glameow, the tall girl marched out of her bedroom and marched down one flight of stairs to reach the ground floor. A plump woman dozed in the rocking chair beside the phone. Hello, nanny. Cynthia considered grabbing a quick breakfast, but she wanted plenty of time to get to The City. Her tutor wouldn’t be coming by today, for it was a Saturday.

The nanny’s key, which had been thrown carelessly onto the regal oak table beside the door, was soon jammed into the single keyhole of the double doors. The door was opened in a matter of milliseconds, and Cynthia was quick to escape, almost unaware that she had slipped on some new flip flops. A ball of fur rushed past her, jumping down onto the first step outside.

Cool air wrapped its arms around her as she locked the door behind her. The stone steps that led down from the door were dull, unable to reflect the sun on an overcast day. Following this path, she was able to transport herself through the artificial grass and onto the street. A sign for the subway blinked weakly to her right. It obviously wasn’t aware that it was daytime.

This time when Cynthia ventured down the disgusting steps, a rank smell almost sent her running back. She would have if she hadn’t been frozen in her tracks by an ear splitting screech. Twisting around, she realized that she had stepped on that Glameow’s tail. It was overreacting. The sight of the thing reminded her that she was supposed to return him to his trainer. It was a good thing that it had followed her this far.

She had to go on. If it wasn’t for the fact that she had to return the Pokémon or else her life would be threatened, she could have turned around right then and deserted her dreams for battling with her Magikarp. Really, she wouldn’t have been missing much.

Instead, she forced herself to continue into the grounded subway station. Old sweat and other, much worse, unsanitary smells tried to out due each other in a little competition that involved making her vomit. Cynthia didn’t submit to any of them, more for the fact that she hadn’t had breakfast than having a strong stomach.

Many bodies were tightly packed into the small station, mostly in line. This was just great. Now she would have the opportunity to wrestle with this disgusting odor for quite a while. Too busy holding her breath to strike up a conversation, she stood silently, moving with the wave of bodies that flowed ever so slowly toward the ticket booth. The closer she got, the more tightly packed the bodies seemed to be, until she was squished between two huge people. The moments of fresh air were long gone, though Cynthia wished they weren’t.

The smell wasn’t the only thing irritating. It was deafeningly loud, too. Everyone was talking above each other in vain attempts to be heard. As if that wasn’t enough, the occasional subway pulled into the station. That sound was ten times louder than the regular chatter, and these people certainly weren’t considerate enough to shut up. They continued raising their voices, desperate to be heard above both the subway and their neighbors. It was chaos.

At the front of the line, Cynthia let out a grin of relief. It wasn’t only because she was finally at the front of the line. The woman at the booth was so friendly and understanding. The conversation with that ticket manager from the day before was a faded memory now. A faded memory that held only slight irritation was all it was now.

“Where will you be heading today?” Even her voice was as sweet as sugar.

“Well, I’ll be heading to The City.” Cynthia paused, preparing herself for the lady to ask her what city she would be heading to.

“How many tickets will you be buying today?” The question actually surprised her. So she knew a thing or two about the location of this subway station. That was a good sign.

“One, please.”

“That will be two dollars, please.”

Cynthia forked over the two crumpled bills and received one ticket. She thanked the lady and moved on. Picking the only bench that had room, she sat to wait for her train.

Knives dug into her back and she lurched forward. There was no point in making a sound. No one would help her. Spike had said he would come after her. She would probably die right here, in this subway, and no one would know until everybody left, which could take a very long time. She waited for death to claim her, but it was taking a while. It was taking too long to stay hunched over like this. Straightening, Cynthia listened. No one seemed to have noticed someone attack her. Actually, the initial pain had faded. There seemed to be a weight on her shoulder, too…

A purr filled with laughter drifted softly into her ear. Turning her head, she spotted the Glameow on her shoulder. Of course it was that dreadful cat. Spike had said that in two days he would come after her, not just one. Its dull blue tail, which was longer than its own body, wrapped around the back of her neck, draping itself over her other shoulder. His humor didn’t strike her funny bone.

The roar of the subway filled the tunnel. Sound bounced off the walls, trumpeting the fact to all who would lend an ear and most who would not. It took a few more seconds for the train to pull up and screech to a halt, but by the time it did, everyone was on their feet.

The doors either slid open silently, or the racket from the crowd covered it. Everyone was pushing and shoving to get on, Cynthia included. Many of the smaller people were pushed out of the way by the bigger as they made their way to the front. Cynthia was already sort of close, and out of range of those big people. Curses were thrown hopelessly through the crowd. Others begged to be let through, but no one was listened to. It was every man for himself down here. The rough floor of the subway was perhaps the best feeling in the world right then. Cynthia was on. Without her brain’s consent, one arm was flung out, groping for a pole to hold onto. The smooth metal that she touched was cold, and her sweaty hand welcomed the touch. Soon she was clinging to that pole, trying not to be knocked down by all the people fighting to get inside.

The subway was the same as the station. It was loud and stinky. The pain in her shoulder from the Glameow’s claws just increased as the cat tried hard to be swatted off. Cynthia was sure she was about to suffocate when the train finally stopped.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 05-31-2008, 04:23 PM
aoboco Offline
Elite Trainer
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 772
Default Re: The Lorain Files (Part II out)

Her exit was delayed. A lot of people had to get off the subway before her. Fear ignited in her. What if the subway went to the next stop with her still on it? The thought emboldened her to push and shove with the rest of the crowd until she tumbled out into the new subway station. On hands and knees, Cynthia panted, desperate to find fresh air, but almost too tired to. That rush on a Saturday morning was a new experience for her, and not one that she ever wanted to relive.

It took her a couple more minutes to fully recover from the incident. Crawling a few feet, she realized that this station was caked with mud and grime. Thoroughly disgusted, she forced herself to stand. Finding that it wasn’t too bad to stand, she took a few more steps. Nothing was broken, or even damaged. She had made it out alive.

After Cynthia had climbed the steps out of the subway station, she could hardly remember what had happened. Instead, she was thinking about the future. Paying just enough attention not to be hit by a car, she made her way to the old downtown part of the city. She was almost there when she remembered what she was wearing and why.

A quick visit to a clothing store supplied her with a long, loose black shirt and baggy black pants. A shoe store carried the kind of tennis shoes that she had seen Spike wear, but not as old. This was turning out to be a sort of shopping spree. A hat store managed to sell her a hat that had no logo but was in the shape of a baseball cap. It was bright red with a black visor. All of the clothes that she bought were pulled over the ones that she was wearing, except for the shoes. She deposited the flip flops in one of the various useless trash cans on the sidewalk. A beauty salon gave her access to a mirror, which she used to cut her hair to shoulder length. She barely recognized herself. There was only one more thing left to do. She visited a Pokémart, buying a few Pokéballs, and then she was done.

Now Cynthia was ready to confront Spike and the rest of the people in Old Downtown. Now she was ready to be humiliated as her Magikarp was beat by everyone. Now she stood the chance to do anything exciting with her life.

Cynthia made her way to the same spot as the day before pretty easily. Few people were on the streets on the way there after she left the civilized side of town. Not even the police wasted their time here. Parts of buildings rested on the cracked streets. A great earthquake had convinced most people to desert the place. Now only criminals and other street scum inhabited the area.

The fresh air and rhythmic sounds of her feet did much to relax her, and by the time she came to the crowd that she had seen the day before, no worries troubled her. She blended in to the crowd this time, so no one really noticed her. There were more people here than before. More people lined the buildings that formed two sides of the cement square. More people watched from the broken bridge that made the third side. Cynthia was sure it would collapse under their weight. More people stood in the open area that was the forth side, creating a human barrier. Two trainers stood in the middle.

As Cynthia watched, a purple monkey eagerly awaited a signal. It would go from jumping from one foot to the other to jumping from one foot to the tip of his tail, which was shaped like a giant hand with three fingers. She recognized it as an Aipom, and turned to see the other competitor. At first glimpse it resembled a raccoon. On closer inspection, she noticed that the fur was longer and splayed almost like an old fan. It was a Zigzagoon, and it looked pretty fierce. A whistle was blown, and the two started fighting.

Cynthia looked away. She wasn’t interested in the fight at this point. Her main goal was to return the wretched Glameow that made his presence known at every opportunity. A splotch of red in the shadows caught her eye, and she decided that it must be him. Few people were wearing red, for it was really noticeable. If the police did happen up here, they would like to be able to hide in the shadows.

A few people grunted in protestation as she tried to shove her way through the ground, but no one physically stopped her. She did make it to Spike, though, and immediately felt the claws of the Glameow. Then they were gone, and the cat with the longer than real tail was on Spike’s shoulder. He turned in surprise, looking wildly around.

“Hey, Spike. I returned your Glameow.” He looked down at Cynthia, clearly confused.

“Are you new? I don’t recognize ya.”

“No, I’m Cynthia.”

“Lorain?”

“Yeah, Cynthia Lorain.”

“That really you?”

“The one and only.”

“I totally didn’t recognize you! Did you get yer Magikarp?

My voice dropped. I wasn’t really proud of the feat. “Yeah, I did, thanks to your Glameow.”

Spike nodded, turning his attention to the fight. After a moment, he turned back. “Do ya want to put yer Magikarp to the test?”

“Not really.”

“Why not?”

“Because what good is a Magikarp?”

“I don’t appre-ci-ate people taking my Pokémon and then not using what they catch!” There he went with that odd articulation.

“Fine, fine. I’ll do it.”

“Good. Wait here.” With that, Spike was odd, weaving his way through the crowd. No one seemed to mind that they were being shoved aside by him.

Cynthia decided to go back to watching the fight. The Aipom looked pretty beat, but the Zigzagoon was still full of spirit. The raccoon Pokémon rolled over onto his back and beat his paws against his stomach. It made a pretty loud sound, actually, but it seemed to make him a little tired. The Aipom took his chance while Zigzagoon played his Belly Drum, and lunged forward. His little paws were slashing at the air at a mile a minute, already starting in on the Fury Swipes attack.

Zigzagoon was too fast. He rolled out of the way, finished with the drum. Once on his feet, he assessed the situation quickly, figuring where his opponent would hit the cement. He lowered his head slowly, for the timing was very important. Two seconds passed before he launched himself into a charge. Just as the Aipom crashed into the cement and nearly knocked himself unconscious, Zigzagoon rammed into him, throwing his head up less than a second after impact. The attack had been made more powerful from the Belly Drum, and it sent Aipom flying into the air.

The monkey would have gone flying further if it had not hit the wall of one of the buildings and fell back to the ground. The person who had blown the whistle parted the crowd so that he could reach the fallen Pokémon. After scrutinizing it, he blew his whistle and waved his hand toward the Aipom’s trainer.

By then, Spike was beside Cynthia again. “It’s against the rules in this league to make a Pokémon faint. They give up when they’ve had enough. We do have to follow a code of honor, though, not to drive our Pokémon until they faint just to win. Kinda ironic, actually, that our underground community has a code of honor.” He chuckled at the thought, shaking his head slightly. “Not that many heed it. They really only keep their Pokémon from fainting sos that they won’t run away. These are wild Pokémon, ya know. The trainers gained their trust, but they ain’t nobody’s own. Anyway, yer goin’ ta be fighting today.”

“When?”

“Now.”

“What?”

“I said that you will be fighting now.”

“Why?”

“Because I talked to the ref and got ya in.”

“Who?”

“Whoever they decide to pit against you.”

“I can’t do this!”

“’Course you can. Don’t worry. You’ll do fine.”

“That’s easy for you to say!” Cynthia was getting worried, and it showed in her suddenly high-pitched voice. Spike winced.

“Enough of that. Just get out there an’ fight.” He shoved her forward, and that was that. She could make it the rest of the way by herself. Her shoes crunched against the cement, making her think of bones crunching. It was a creepy sound in a creepy part of town. She gulped.

The square of open area seemed so much bigger when she was on it, and it seemed like forever before she finally reached a faded red X on one side of the square. A cool wind brushed past her. Had it been there before? It must’ve, but life was moving too fast for her to notice. Now she had all the time in the world to notice. Now she had all the time in the world to wait.

The shadow of a person took its place on the opposite end of the expansive square. It took Cynthia a second to realize that it was actually a person, not just a shadow. The Zigzagoon from the last match stood at knee height beside him. Without thinking, she reached for the Pokéball in her pocket, the one that had something in it. The small red and white ball paused momentarily when it came to shoulder height. It opened to reveal a red ball of energy that poured out, forming into the shape of a fish before it reached the ground. The color became slightly duller as the Magikarp materialized. Long whiskers brushed the cement. A whistle pierced the air.

Cynthia’s opponent had talked over his strategy with the Zigzagoon many times before, so he already knew what to do. Magikarp didn’t. Zigzagoon sprinted toward the fish, but stopped short to spray loose gravel at it. Cynthia’s Pokémon visibly flinched, trying to curl into a ball. “Do something, Magikarp!” Cynthia called in vain, but to no avail.

Zigzagoon growled menacingly in an attempt to reduce Magikarp’s attack. It was a challenge, though, and the fish took it that way. Angry, she uncurled herself and flopped forward slowly. She tried to throw herself at him in a tackle, but it just wasn’t working. Cement wasn’t good battling conditions for her. Zigzagoon was smirking as he danced easily away from her. This battle was going to be pretty short, and he knew it. Lowering his head, he got ready for his infamous Headbutt.

Zigzagoon charged at Magikarp, ready to finish the battle. Magikarp, however, had other ideas. Wiggling, she splashed some gravel in Zigzagoon’s direction. The shower did little to stop the raccoon, though, and he continued. When more gravel was flung at him, his mind was changed. He would go with a different attack. Without breaking stride, he leaped into the air. The gravel that would have hit him went right under him. If he landed this attack, Magikarp would have surrendered, and everybody knew it.

Cynthia knew it too, and would not, could not let that happen. If it did, then it would happen for every battle after. No one could loose to a weak Magikarp. She had to get another Pokémon somehow, some way. An idea sprang to mind. Would they let her? Did she care? She could do it… couldn’t she?

One hand went to the pocket that her empty Pokéballs were kept and grabbed one. In a moment it was out in the open for everybody to see. “Flail!” It was the only word that she could think of.

Magikarp obeyed and started squirming, thrashing every which way. Dust enveloped her, random bits of gravel shooting out. Quite a few hit the Zigzagoon in the tender areas of his face, distracting him. He entered the dust cloud, but didn’t come out for a few seconds. Everyone held their breath, waiting to see what would happen next. They were too absorbed with the fight to notice Cynthia with her Pokéball.

Dust. There was dust everywhere. Too much dust. I couldn’t see where I was going. I guess that I was expecting that pathetic Magikarp to stay in the same place, but she didn’t. When I landed, it was the first time that I had ever felt how hard the cement really was. Years of throwing Pokémon to the floor had never taught me that lesson. My head was pounding. I couldn’t think. I had to get out of that dust, but I didn’t know which way to go. It felt never-ending.

Something scaly hit me. It didn’t really hurt, but I couldn’t know that. My head made it hurt more than it ever could, and my knees just buckled. I collapsed, and I wasn’t too proud of it. What kind of Zigzagoon was I? I was supposed to be a champion one. Now was I about to lose to some fish? I didn’t think so. The next time that scaly fin came by my, I sunk my teeth into it. That caused it wiggle more, almost wagging me back and forth.

I let out a growl, which was the only thing that I could think to do. The wiggling lessened. The Magikarp was afraid. My teeth sunk in deeper, and I felt her strength give. There was only one way to go, and that was backward. Maybe, if I kept going in that one direction, I could get out of the suffocating dust. The load I carried tried to resist, but I was just too strong for it. Or she was too weak for me. I certainly didn’t feel strong. I had just engaged in many battles, and I was really very tired.

Without anything stirring it up, the dust settled, and I finally made it out. Magikarp was moving only enough not to surrender. A single tackle could make her do so without making her faint. My jaws loosened, and I let go. Five steps back, and I was ready. A single tackle could end it all.


Cynthia knew that her time had come. Her Magikarp would lose the battle if she didn’t act quickly. Spike had said that these were wild Pokémon, so she really could catch one if she wanted to. Closing her eyes, she whispered a short prayer. She didn’t really believe in God, but she wanted all the help she could get. Then she released the ball.

As the Zigzagoon was sucked in, the crowd gasped. Then they started shouting angrily. This was against the non-existent rules that everyone took for granted. The Pokéball wiggled once, twice, three times, until…

OOC: Again, please excuse the grammar of some people.

Last edited by aoboco; 06-01-2008 at 01:00 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 05-31-2008, 04:25 PM
aoboco Offline
Elite Trainer
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 772
Default Re: The Lorain Files (Part II out)

Ready for a grade

Pokémon: Zigzagoon
Category: Simple (5,000 - 10,000)
Characters (no spaces): 23,971
Characters (spaces): 29,330

Last edited by aoboco; 05-31-2008 at 06:37 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 06-03-2008, 03:02 PM
Draconic_Espeon's Avatar
Draconic_Espeon Offline
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 3,570
Send a message via AIM to Draconic_Espeon Send a message via MSN to Draconic_Espeon Send a message via Yahoo to Draconic_Espeon Send a message via Skype™ to Draconic_Espeon
Default Re: The Lorain Files (Part II done)

You can thank Lonewolf for this grade; he suggested I read this. ^^

Introduction: There really wasn't a whole lot of an introduction, but, since this is a continuation, that's okay. You did have an overview of the capture before, which was great as well, though I went ahead and read the whole thing. You started with a hook, the dialogue at the beginning, which was good. If I hadn't just read the first part, it would make me wonder what exactly it was she was talking about. In any case, this section is fine.

Plot: Well, to be honest, I really liked this plot. I like stories that take characters and really throw them out of their element, like here with a girl that's been pampered all her life getting a chance to battle. You go even farther with it, though, with the underground battling league, and how her family was, and Cynthia wanting to break free of their reign. Overall, it was enjoyable, and a fun read. That's really what we're looking for plotwise, so keep it up.

I really liked the end as well, with Cynthia going against their unwritten rules. I can't wait to see how that turns out. ^^

Grammar: Not bad. In fact, it was very good. I love stories where I don't have to go pick out too many grammar mistakes. You seem to know what you're doing here.

Quote:
Silver was the only person you could calm her down so quickly.
You probably meant 'who' here.

Quote:
Many of the smaller people were pushed out of the way by the bigger as they made their way to the front.
It seems as though something was left out here, and there should be something after 'bigger', or you could reword it to say 'by those bigger than them'.

Quote:
The pain in her shoulder from the Glameow’s claws just increased as the cat tried hard to be swatted off.
Shouldn't it be 'hard not to be swatted off'?

Quote:
Zigzagoon growled menacingly in an attempt to reduce Magikarp’s attack.
This is more a suggestion than a rule, but when you are using an attack name in past tense, like 'growled' here, and it is an attack, capitalizing it makes it easier to identify. It's really your call, but all regular attack names should be capitalized.

Quote:
Angry, she uncurled herself and flopped forward slowly. She tried to throw herself at him in a tackle, but it just wasn’t working.
Here, though, 'tackle' should be capitalized.

Length: Er, yeah. This was really long enough for a Medium Pokemon, so I definitely have no complaints. I really like to see when people put in that extra effort to ensure the capture.

Detail/Description: You really excel in this area. Some places seem a bit wordy to me, but other than that, everything is very vivid and detailed. You really paint a picture of Cynthia and what she's going through, which is exactly the writer's job. However, there were a few places where you used similar words in one sentence. Watch out for that in the future, because it can make your writing dull and monotonous. A good way to get around it is by using a thesaurus. If you have Microsoft Word, there's a thesaurus in it, but if not, a good website to use is www.m-w.com. That's the Merriam-Webster Dictionary site, which has a thesaurus as well.

Battle: This was really one of the most interesting parts. You took something very straightforward and changed it to your own style, by adding in the portion in first person from the point of view of the Pokemon. To me, it made the battle all that much better. Even beside that, you did everything you are supposed to in a battle; you described well, you kept the battle two-sided, and you definitely included the surroundings. The only fault I really saw was that it seems unlikely that a Magikarp would be able to fight out of water, but for the battle to work, I think it was okay. Aside from that, this was pretty well perfect.

Outcome: Was there any doubt? Zigzagoon Captured! Sorry for the somewhat short grade, but there wasn't much I saw that you needed to improve upon. You really did a great job with this. You've got a lot of talent, and you could really get far, so I encourage you to keep writing! I also suggest going for something a bit harder in the future, like at least a Medium or a Hard range Pokemon. You're definitely ready for them, and the challenge makes the stories more fun! Keep up the great writing!
__________________
:::URPG:::

Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-03-2008, 11:53 PM
aoboco Offline
Elite Trainer
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 772
Default Re: The Lorain Files (Part II done)

Thanks for the grade, DE And I'll be sure to thank Lonsie, too...
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:25 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com