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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 05-15-2008, 02:40 AM
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Default Before the Gym Leader: Winona

Characters: 9366
Required Characters: 5-10k
Aiming for: Taillow

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Before the Gym Leader: Winona
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"Thank you, Windy," Winona said gratefully.

"Ah, it's nothing. I've never seen such talent in one so young. There's a chance that you will become the Gym Leader of this very city," Gym Leader Windy said, patting Winona's purple hair.

"You really think so?" ten year old Winona said in awe.

"I don't think so, I know so," Windy replied.

"Yay! I'll try my hardest, I promise! And with this Swablu you gave me, I swear I'll make your prediction true!" Winona promised.

"Thank you. Now, I believe you have to train your Swablu?" Windy asked.

"Yep. I'm going now, bye!" Winona dashed out of the gym, overcome with excitement.

Winona, a little girl of Fortree City. She had lilac-colored hair, and she her movements were one with the wind. Her clothing style was like Windy's - unique. As a matter of fact, Winona practically idolized Windy. Windy, the current Gym Leader of Fortree City, had no doubts that Winona would become the next Gym Leader of this city.

"I wonder, where should I start?" Winona pondered aloud. "Oh, I know! Route 120! I'm quite sure that there are many Taillow there, and a Taillow is a must if I'm going to become the Gym Leader of a Flying type Gym. Winona quickly went home and picked up some of her savings to buy some Pokeballs at the Pokemart. However, there was a man in black wearing shades guarding the door to the Mart.

"Sorry, you can't come in," the man halted Winona.

"Why not?" Winona asked in dismay.

"It's not your business, kid. Just leave stuff like this to the adults, now GET OUT OF HERE!" the man yelled.

At that moment, the Pokemart door opened, and two men dressed like the man guarding the door came out each holding a sack in one hand and a pistol in the other.

"Quickly, before the police arrive," one man ordered.

Winona got the feeling these guys weren't the good guys, and she pulled out her Swablu's Pokeball.

"I don't know who you are, but I believe I should stop you. If it turns out my suspicion was incorrect, I'll apologize. But for now, I choose you!" Winona tossed her Pokeball.

The Pokeball floated on the wind gracefully. Winona felt as if time had slowed, perhaps even stopped. Looking at the Pokeball's graceful movements in the sky, it filled Winona with an amazing feeling, as if she were a bird. Then, time resumed and the Pokeball opened up.

"Swablu, knock out those bad guys with Sing!" Winona commanded.

Swablu lashed out at the men with tendrils of peaceful sounds. One man yawned, another just fell to the ground snoring. The final man was obviously struggling, and he was the last one to fall.

Two hours later, the police had arrived.

"Thank you. I don't believe it, one so young as you caught the twins known as the Men In Black and their leader, Neji Hyuga," one of the police officers shook his head in awe.

"Well, I'm going to become the Gym Leader of Fortree City one day, so what do you expect?" Winona replied confidently.

"Hahaha, I believe you will. By the way, why were you at the Pokemart?" the policeman asked, whipping out a pen and a notepad.

"I was going to buy some Pokeballs to start catching Pokemon. Which reminds me..." Winona glanced at the fading sun. "Oh well, guess I'll have to start tomorrow."

"Oh. Well, I've got to report back to the police station. Nice to meet you, Winona. Good luck on becoming the Gym Leader of Fortree!" the police officer said.

Winona nodded. The rest of the night passed in a blur. Winona didn't pay attention much. Most of her focus was spent on everything that had happened today. There was the robbery, the start of her journey, and her dream to become the Gym Leader of Fortree City. Winona couldn't stop thinking about the whole journey that had happened today. However, it had worn young Winona out as well. Before she knew it, she was asleep.

"Briiiing!"

Winona got up and slammed hand down on her alarm clock grumpily.

"Aghhh... I'm so tired," Winona yawned, reluctantly getting up.

She hurriedly left home and went to the Mart.

"Hi, I'd like some Pokeballs please," Winona quickly requested.

The cashier handed over a bag of goods.

"There's five. $10.00, please?" the cashier held out his hand to take the cash.

Winona handed over a $10.00 bill, grabbed the Pokeballs, and ran out of the Mart so fast she would have attracted attention if anyone had been able to notice the barely visible blue-purple blur.

As she dashed, or practically flew across the road, Winona took no heed of her surroundings. So, it was her who was at fault when she bumped into Windy.

"Oops, sorry," Winona mumbled.

"It's OK, Winona. Why are you still in Fortree? I believe you should have started your journey by now," Windy said.

"Yesterday, there was a robbery that I stopped. The cops came, and they were interviewing me and stuff. I didn't have a chance, because it took a while," Winona answered regretfully.

"Ah. Well, better than going, no?" Windy asked.

"Yep," Winona replied.

Winona quickly departs to the nearby Route 120. It was a quick run on the winds for Winona. She was there in almost no time at all, not even in the most disrupted millimetre in Dialga's kingdom could there've been a faster way for Winona to get there. She began searching for partners in her quest to become the Gym Leader of Fortree City.

A long while later, Winona found that her dream was much tougher in reality. There were many Pokemon, that wasn't the problem however. Most of them were Grass types or Normal types. Winona groaned exhaustedly.

"Oh my God, I'm so tired..." Winona sighed, sitting down on the ground. She took out her pack, and took out a ham sandwich she had packed yesterday. Winona tossed Swablu out of its Pokeball, and cut half of the sandwich for it.

"Swa swa swa swablu!" Swablu gratefully accepted the food.

Together, they munched on the ham sandwiches. Side by side, woman by Pokemon. It was a serene sight - or at least until a Taillow flock attacked Winona and Swablu.

"What the -" Winona screamed, astonished.

"Swablu!" Swablu was caught off guard as well, and it paid the price as one of the Taillow grabbed what remained of Swablu's part of the sandwich with its talons. Squawking victoriously, it flew away. Some of the Taillow followed it, others remained to take Winona's sandwich.

"Swablu, get 'em all with Sing!" Winona yelled.

Swablu's beautiful voice lashed out at the remaining three Taillow. The Taillow's eyes drooped as sleep was induced upon them.

"Great job, Swablu!" Winona celebrated, taking out three of her Pokeballs. "I'm gonna catch 'em all!"

Winona tossed her Pokeballs at the five Taillow. The Pokeballs all shook. Winona felt the tension transforming into blood pressure in her head. Then, all of a sudden, a Taillow appeared and used Fury Attack. The quick jabs pierced and broke each Pokeball.

"Taillow!" this new Taillow cried out.

The other Taillow squawked. Then, they flew away. Winona assumed that this new Taillow was the leader of the flock.

"All right, bring it on!" Winona yelled confidently.

Then, Winona saw it. Upon closer inspection, she noticed that this Taillow was different than the rest. Instead of the usual navy, this Taillow was a light green.

"What the heck is that?" Winona asked.

It was then that she remembered of something special Windy had showed her a long time ago.

"Winona, this is called a Shiny Pokemon. They're Pokemon who have different colors than the regular set as the original species," Windy had explained as she petted her newly caught Skarmory in the orange sunset. "Notice the green feathers. On most Skarmory, the feathers are red. This is caused by a mutation at birth, according to research done by Professor Birch,"

"Wow! I want one!" Winona had said.

"Well, Winona, if you want something, you'll have to work hard for it," Windy had replied.

"Oh, I will! I'll try my hardest!" Winona had promised Windy.

The rest of the scene dissolved.

"Looks like I worked hard enough to meet a Shiny Pokemon at last," Winona said grimly. "We're gonna catch it, Swablu. Use Sing!"

Swablu tried to use its beautiful voice to lure the Shiny Taillow to sleep. However, the Taillow managed to resist the attack.

"Taillow!" the Taillow squawked.

It flapped its wings repeatedly. This motion created a gust, which knocked Swablu back.

"No! Swablu, Astonish!" Winona ordered.

Swablu suddenly leapt forward. Taillow backed away, surprised.

"It's vulnerable! Don't hold back; TAKE DOWN!" Winona bellowed, feeling the sweat dripping down her forehead and tasting the salty perspiration in her mouth as it dropped into the chasm.

Swablu charged Taillow. The reckless attack was dangerous to Swablu as well as Taillow, and the energy consumed in using the attack knocked Swablu out. Thankfully, the aggressive tackle knocked Taillow out as well.

"Good job, Swablu! I'll tend to you later, for now..." Winona tossed a Pokeball at the Taillow.

Taillow entered the Pokeball... Winona dashed towards Swablu while grabbing for a Potion from her bag.

The Pokeball shook once... Winona sprayed Swablu with the Potion.

The Pokeball shook twice... Winona returned Swablu to its Pokeball.

The Pokeball shook thrice... Winona held her breath and ran to the Pokeball.

The Pokeball...
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  #2  
Old 05-15-2008, 04:31 PM
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Default Re: Before the Gym Leader: Winona

-is forced- jk, I'll be grading for ya Nitro. ;3

Introduction/Plot: Winona, the 10-year-old girl who's lifelong dream was to become the leader of Fortree City, gets her first Pokémon. She gets it off the current leader; Windy. Windy encourages her that she can become the leader in time. She rushes off to the mart to get Pokéball's and stops a robbery in the process. She comes across a Taillow and tries to capture it.

This was nice, it had some nice twists like how instead of Winona getting her mon from a lab, she got it from Windy. Then she stops a robbery? It sounds cool, but you could have expanded it a little by maybe let them fight back or something. It sounded really... errr.... fake in my opinion. But this plot is pretty good, I would like to read a sequel to it, maybe showing how Winona got all of her Pokémon? It would be cool.

Windy, Windy, Windy. He sounded like a pretty cool character, but I would have liked to know more about him. His age, some basic background on him or something. I also would've liked to see what he looked like, fleshing out a little description on him would help a lot. Also, try to include some 2-5 sentence paragraphs in between the dialogue.

I felt this story was flashing from scene to scene, without even showing how the character got there or anything. It was a little confusing, so instead of after something skip to the next scene, work on building up to it.

Length: Nice. :3 Nearly 10 D:< Good job ;]

Grammar/Spelling: This was pretty good. I didn't find any major mistakes except some misuse's of comma's. Not much either. You have a tight hold of grammar; just a little tip. All numbers under 100 should be written in words and not numbers. ex. $10.00 = ten dollars. Nice work here, I don't like you, making my job hard like this. MMK?

Description/Detail: I had mixed feelings about this. I felt some of it was good, while some of it was a little blank. What you need to work on using more descriptive words, and a variety of them. You used the word 'awe' several times in this story. It makes the description somewhat tedious and a little boring to read. Use more original and exciting word to get the readers attention. But other than that, the description was pretty strong.

I think you should work on describing the Pokémon and the surroundings, the surroundings were left brief and bare, with weak words like 'green' and 'blue'. So instead of 'green grass' turn it into a better sentence like; 'rich, dew-covered green grass' which describes it in several ways. The Pokémon got no description. :[ Even brief words for Taillow like "navy coloured, swallow-like Pokémon" tells us the color and what animal it resembles.

Battle: This wasn't the best. Swablu controlled the battle for most of it, using sing several times. What about attacks like Steel Wing, Dragonbreath, Peck etc? These two Pokémon have quite large movepools, which means this battle could have been lengthened a lot. It's a simple Pokémon, so around 4-5attacks should be used, along with a sense of creativity by using your surroundings too. :)

Outcome: This was borderline for me; you had several nice parts in the story, like the plot, but the battle needs work. So I'm going to say Taillow captured! Work on these things next time!
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Last edited by Lati-Chan; 05-15-2008 at 09:59 PM.
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  #3  
Old 05-16-2008, 12:24 AM
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Default Re: Before the Gym Leader: Winona

Thank you so much, Lati-Chan! I'll work on those things. No sequel, however. Maybe another Gym Leader, however. ^_^
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