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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 05-16-2008, 03:28 AM
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Default Tensions on Mt. Coronet

Tensions on Mt. Coronet

Chapter 1: Rough Day

*SLAM* … The thick oak door was shut behind Mike as he returned to his log cabin from yet another unsuccessful fishing trip at Lake Acuity. Mike was six feet tall, was an arctic fisherman, and had a muscular build. Only on rare occasions could one find Mike concerned on any matter besides his job. A blinding blizzard mixed with a fierce hail storm had been raging ever since an unidentified hiker was killed from the most random of avalanches only a few days back. The blizzard had been making Mike come home early to stay safe, but always without any catches from his boat, fishing rod, or loyal companion, Arcanine. Mike brushed off as much snow as he could from the storm, walked over to his coffee table, and sat down with his black coat and bibs still on. The expression given off by his face told that something was troubling Mike. Mike’s wife, Liz, walked out of their bedroom and sat next to him. Liz was about five and a half feet tall and had a petite figure. She had somewhat long, straight, brown hair, and was usually in a cheerful mood except in situations like this.

“Rough day again?” she asked.

Mike replied, “Calling it rough would be putting it lightly. Try disastrous. This storm just won’t pass. It’s been nearly a week! There MUST be something causing this mess and I must find out. We’re starting to run low on food.”

“It isn’t too bad. We still have enough for a couple more weeks, and if we go that long without you getting anything, then yes, maybe we could be screwed.” Liz said jokingly.

“I’m going to take a shower now.” Mike said as he stood and walked off.

Chapter 2: The Plans

Saddened by Mike’s frustration, Liz walked over and lied down on the couch to watch a bit of TV to relax. Of course the channel that will always be there first will be the Weather Channel because Mike always feels like he needs to make sure he has to properly prepare for what may occur. Before changing to her favorite television game show, Are you Smarter than a First Grader, Liz noticed the weatherman saying something about the blizzard and its causes.

“It seems as if a pack of Swinub, Piloswine, and Mamoswine at the peak of Mt. Coronet are the main contributors to this bizarre blizzard.” said the weatherman. “Some say that the killed hiker may have been tempted these Pokemon and their blizzard. Some believe that it was the hiker who brought on the avalanche. Police are still investigating.”

“Oh my god, does Mike know about this?” said Liz. “I have to tell him this”

Minutes later, Mike walked out of the bathroom with steam venting behind him and a towel wrapped around his waist. Liz ran over to Mike, snatched his arm, and dragged him over to the TV.

Liz told him, “Mike, the weatherman just explained everything that’s going on. The blizzard, the hiker, you name it.”

“Wow, seriously?” replied Mike in awe. “Well, what is it?”

“Apparently, it’s a pack of Mamoswine and their children causing this mess because of something that the hiker had done.” said Liz. “He then said that police are investigating, which means it’ll probably take another week… You should go check it out for yourself, Mike. They’re all at the peak of Mt. Coronet.”

“I’ll go tomorrow at dawn” said Mike anxiously.

As the rest of the night moved on, continuous thoughts of the dangers and opportunities were racing through Mike’s mind. Mike had never attempted to climb Mt. Coronet. He had passed through caves of the Mountain for business trips and such to Eterna and Celestic city, but climbing Mt. Coronet was said to be comparable to that of climbing Mt. Everest.
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Last edited by TheEvilDookie; 05-18-2008 at 12:16 AM.
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  #2  
Old 05-16-2008, 03:28 AM
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Default Re: Tensions on Mt. Coronet

Chapter 3: The Big Day

Mike woke up at around 5:15 A.M. About 30 minutes than what he planned on, but plenty of time for proper preparation nonetheless. Mike slipped on a clean pair of bibs, zipped up his favorite navy blue North Face coat, strapped on his pair of worn out snow boots, and put on a beanie and goggles. He quietly left his cabin into a light flurry, and gently shut the door to prevent Liz from waking. With his Pokeball containing Arcanine on his belt, Mike hopped onto his snowmobile. Although it was filled with gas, and advertisements claiming that it could mow its way through any pack of snow, the advertisements were clearly wrong like always. Nearly an hour of making his way to the top of the mountain, Mike came across snow up to five feet tall.

“Well Arcanine, I may need your assistance on this one.” said Mike.

Mike tossed the Pokeball, and with a glimmering shower of lights and sparkles, out came Arcanine.

“Arcanine, I need you to aid me in getting through this huge pack of snow.” Mike commanded.

Arcanine faithfully obeyed and allowed Mike onto his back. Morning turned into mid day quickly and that small flurry was beginning to turn into yet another day with the blinding blizzard. To provide himself with safety, Mike took Arcanine with him into a nearby cave large enough to provide a reasonable shelter. Mike gathered logs, kindling, and other sources of fuel for a fire, and piled them together in center area of the cavern.

“Here Arcanine, light a fire for us to get through the rest of the day until the blizzard weakens again at dusk.” Mike directed while he sat down.

Arcanine inhaled deeply, puffed out his chest, and released a series of burning embers onto the dry oak. The heat that was emitted from the flames was strong enough to be felt from all corners of the cave. Mike was a little overwhelmed from the intense warmth that he began to slide back to the wall ice wall. As he was sliding, a strange wiggle motion was felt from behind along with soft figure. Mike sprung up out of shock and turned around. He noticed a pile of snow camouflaged with the surroundings maneuvering all about.

“Arcanine, brush the snow off of whatever that thing is right now!” exclaimed Mike.

Arcanine got down low and focused his whole attention on the disguised object. He began to crawl slowly and moved in closely. Arcanine then jumped up into the air, landed less than a foot away, and swiped at the object using his claw with great speed. The snow blew away and revealed a Swinub which shouted out, “SWIIIIIIINE!”

Swinub cowered and rolled itself into a ball. Mike walked over to the Swinub and kneeled down.

“Heh, this thing is much more afraid of us then I was of it.” said Mike. “Hey now, what if that pack of Mamoswine are looking for this Swinub? What if the killed hiker took the Swinub and that’s what caused the pack to start the blizzard? It all makes sense now!”

Mike took a blanket from his pack that he had been carrying with him and wrapped it around Swinub. Day turned to dusk which meant that the blizzard died down a bit.

Mike stood up and said “Alright Arcanine, let’s move out. I don’t want to wait any longer than I have to”

Arcanine barked and ran towards the cave entrance. Mike put his pack back on, and with Swinub in hand, climbed onto Arcanine. About one hour later, they had almost reached the peak, and began hearing strange grunts and roars. Swinub raised its head, looked around, and started crying back to the noises.

“What’s going on?” Mike wondered to himself. “We must be getting closer to Swinub’s pack.”

Swinub then leaped from Mike’s arms onto the snow. With the tiny feet that it has, it surprisingly scurried much faster and expected; just about the same speed as a human jogging on a flat meadow.

“Swinub, come back!” shouted Mike.

Mike hopped off of Arcanine into the thick snow up to his knees. Mike fought as hard as he could to get through the snow until Arcanine threw Mike onto his back again. To catch up to Swinub as quickly as possible, Arcanine released a flamethrower to melt the snow and reach Swinub to wherever it fled.
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  #3  
Old 05-16-2008, 03:30 AM
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Default Re: Tensions on Mt. Coronet

Chapter 4: An Unexpected Twist

Mike and Arcanine finally reached the very peak of Mt. Coronet. They found their rescued Swinub in the surrounded by the pack. Mike took a couple of steps towards Swinub, but was immediately halted by a few Piloswine and Mamoswine. Two other Mamoswine closed off the path to where Mike had entered behind Arcanine trapping them in. With their intentions assumed to be inflicting severe pain and injuries if not death, the pack all started staring at Mike and Arcanine with a frightening and suspicious stare. Before Mike had any attempt to make an escape, Swinub began hopping around and shouting to its fellow brothers. The Mamoswine and Piloswine backed off leaving Mike, Arcanine, and Swinub center staged at the very peak of Mt. Cornet. Mike turned around and noticed the couple of Mamoswine continuing to block off the exit. Mike turned back to face Swinub, then, in a blink of an eye, shot a countless number of piercing Ice Shards at Arcanine’s direction. Little harm was done, however it was completely unanticipated. Moments later, hail in the size of golf balls started descending from the clouds.

“What’s going on?” said Mike in a panic. “I can barely see Swinub anymore... GAH! I got hit on my forehead! Arcanine, use a Flamethrower on Swinub! He’s asking for it!”

Arcanine obeyed and released a steady steam of smoldering flames onto the targeted Swinub. Strangely enough though, Swinub was still standing. In fact, about four illusions, one of them being the real Swinub, were present.

“What the—Arcanine use Flamethrower again!” shouted Mike.

Once again, Arcanine emitted more searing fire onto one of the Swinub copies and missed. The hail became even more intensified and was pounding Arcanine. The amount of energy that Arcanine had left started to dwindle down. Seconds later, the ground commenced in a light rumble which gradually increased in magnitude. Cracks began running down Mt. Coronet underneath Arcanine which lead to the Earth splitting and trapping in Arcanine. Loud whimpers from Arcanine could be heard all around as the Earthquake from Swinub had struck Arcanine in many of his limbs and body. The ground leveled itself and Arcanine was freed.

“I’ll never be able to defeat a Swinub of all Pokemon with all this hail.” said Mike. “Arcanine, if you can hear me through all this, use Sunny Day! That’ll enable you to locate Swinub and strike!”

Arcanine rested himself and sat down in the snow. The clouds from above lightened in tint and a few faded away allowing beams of sunlight to shine down onto the battlefield. All of the hail then vanished and Swinub was spotted. Before Arcanine could stand once more, the ground started shifting and more rumbling was felt.

“Arcanine, hurry!” Mike shouted “Use the Sun’s power and attack Swinub with a Flare Blitz!”

Arcanine took in so much sunlight that he engulfed himself in a blazing inferno. Arcanine then dashed through the snow with great ease and leaped into the sky causing anything to look his way to be blinded by an assortment of glaring illuminations. Plummeting down onto Swinub, Arcanine caused endless waves of heat off of the Flare Blitz to melt every inch of snow on the peak of Mt. Cornet. Both lie motionless in the middle of the battle field. Swinub, from the injuries of Flare Blitz, and Arcanine from the recoil of the attack delivered.

“Here’s my opportunity!” hollered Mike.

From his belt, Mike took a red and white Pokeball and enlarged it by clicking the button on the front. He took his grip on the ball and prepared to throw. With every ounce of power remaining, Mike heaved the Pokeball which smote Swinub and absorbed it into the ball. The suspense was at its climax. The Pokeball shook once… It shook again… Even once more, and…

Pokemon: Swinub
Difficulty: Medium (10-20K)
Characters: 11,441 (?)
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  #4  
Old 05-17-2008, 11:52 PM
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Default Re: Tensions on Mt. Coronet

It may have not been six hours, but I didn't make you wait a month, did I?

Plot: Mike is a fisherman who hasn’t been having much luck in catching fish ever since that weird blizzard came. His wife, as she is watching the news, hears about what is conjuring the blizzard: a group of Manoswine, Poliswine, and Swinub, on the peak of Mt. Coronet. Mike decides to scale the mountain with his faithful Arcanine. On the way, they rest and find an abandoned Swinub that might be the reason the blizzard has occurred. However, the Pokemon escapes to the peak of Mt. Coronet, and when Mike and his Arcanien reach the top, they are forced to battle Swinub.

This was nice, good for the little Pokemon. I liked how the blizzard was created and how the killed hiker was tied into it. I do think that it moved a little bit too fast. You could have explained more about the incident with the hiker since it was the main reason why the blizzard was created. Also, I find it odd that Liz tells Mike to explore what is happening at the peak. I expected her to be against the very idea because, as you said, climbing the mountain is the equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest. Other than that little snippet, I would say is to take your time with the plot, but it was good enough for Swinub.

Introduction: This was also good. You told us about Mike, what he does and his current, troubling, situation, and about his wife. You described Mike and Liz well (though with Mike, you only told us about his height and build), you didn’t describe much of the surroundings. What did their house look like? What did the surroundings around the house look like? The surroundings are just as important as the characters so make sure you describe as much as them as possible.

Grammar/Spelling: For the most part, it was good. I didn’t see any major mistakes that distracted me from the story. However, there were typos in your story, some of them made some of the sentences awkward to read.

Quote:
“It isn’t too bad. We still have enough for a couple more weeks, and if we go that long without you getting anything, then yes, maybe we could be screwed.” Liz said jokingly.
The period needs to be a Pokemon because you’re saying “Liz said”. You didn’t do this for the majority of your story so make sure you keep this mind.

Quote:
About 30 minutes than what he planned on, but plenty of time for proper preparation nonetheless.
All numbers below “100” should be written out. So “30” should be “thirty”.

Quote:
“Well, Arcanine, I may need your assistance on this one.”
Whenever one character addresses another, there should be a comma before the name of the character that is being addressed like show above.

Quote:
Mike hopped off of Arcanine into the thick snow up to his knees.
The sentence sounds awkward. It would sound better if you put “that went” after “snow”.

Quote:
Two other Mamoswine closed off the path to where Mike had entered behind Arcanine, trapping them in.
You need a comma.

Quote:
Cracks began running down Mt. Coronet underneath Arcanine which lead to the Earth splitting and trapping in Arcanine.
Since you are just talking about the ground and not the planet itself, it should be just “earth”. Also, the second “Arcanine” makes the sentence sound redundant. Changing it into something like “the fire dog” makes it sound better.

Quote:
Loud whimpers from Arcanine could be heard all around as the Earthquake from Swinub had struck Arcanine in many of his limbs and body.
This part of the sentence sounds weird to me. Something like “in many places of his body” sounds better.

Quote:
Plummeting down onto Swinub, Arcanine caused endless waves of heat off of the Flare Blitz to melt every inch of snow on the peak of Mt. Cornet.
You don’t need “off”.

Quote:
Both lie motionless in the middle of the battle field. Swinub, from the injuries of Flare Blitz, and Arcanine from the recoil of the attack delivered.
“Lie” is present tense, and since you’re story is in past tense, it should be changed to “laid”. Also the second sentence is a fragment, you can connect it to the sentence before with a colon.

Overall, just proofread over your story more thoroughly because mistakes like these can make a story seem sloppy. ^^;

Length: Good enough, good job. ^^

Description/Detail: It was good enough for the Swinub, but I know you can do much better. The surroundings can be described better because other than saying the storm was a “flurry” and other related words, I could not see anything. Was everything so white Mike couldn’t tell which was up and which was down? How did Mt. Coronet look like? Did it look like a mountain covered in both boulders the size of his Mike himself? Did the peak rise so high it disappeared into the steel-gray clouds?

Also, you didn’t describe the Pokemon at all. Even though we’re in a Pokemon forum, you have to describe them just as well as the human characters. Mention Swinumbs pig-like appearance, Arcanine’s beige mane, etc.

Another thing I would like to mention is that you didn’t describe any of Mike’s hike. Mt. Coronet is apparently a very hard climb, so tell us about it! Was the snow so blinding Mike repeated stumbled and fell? Did he get so out of breath that he had to be carried by Arcanine numerous times? Don’t just skip the borings parts of the story, we need to see exactly what the character is experiencing.

Quote:
Mike and Arcanine finally reached the very peak of Mt. Coronet.
A lot could have happened as they scaled towards the peak. Avanlanches, wild Pokemon who have been disturbed by the recent blizzard, etc. These are the things that, though may not have much significance to the overall plot, keep the story going along; these moments are also very good opportunities for us to know about the character and what makes him tick. We can find out what Mike felt about the Swinub escaping, what he felt about scaling such a dangerous mountain, and many other things.

Tip: Instead of using the characters name all the time, you can use words like “the loyal dog”, “the muscular human”, and so on to spice things up.

Battle: I was pleasantly surprised to see that the battle was long; I was expecting it to be shorter with Arcanine having the upper paw and all. I love how you used Swinub’s Hail for him to cloud himself from Arcanine, that was smart thinking. All I say is to add some more color to the attacks, tell us more of what they look like. Other than that, this was your best area.

Outcome: Despite the fact that the plot seemed sort of lacking, and the description could have been elaborated on, it was a nice story for the little creature. So: Swinub captured! Make sure to elaborate more on the plot and descriptions in your stories, and proofread over your story more thoroughly to get all those nasty grammar mistakes. Other than that, have fun! =)

- Kat
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Old 05-18-2008, 12:08 AM
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Default Re: Tensions on Mt. Coronet

Thanks for the grade, Kat. ^^ I'll work on what you suggested in my next story.
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