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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 05-26-2008, 06:07 AM
Sigma_ Offline
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Default Generic Story

Going for Diglett, it is 5k characters, this is about 5100.
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Troy woke up in his comfortable villa house. He let out a tremendous yawn as he left the comforts of his bed and into the comforts of his expensive bathroom. Troy had an easy life; his parents were rich and would get him anything he desired. After his bathroom-related activities, Troy sat down for breakfast. His butler had prepared a helping of pancakes. Troy ate them without realizing how lucky he was.

However, there is one thing Troy didn’t have that he really wanted. He wanted to be a Pokemon master. However, his parents hated Pokemon. That is why Troy only had one Pokemon so far, a Cubone. His parents would never supply him any Pokeballs to capture anything. Recently, though, Troy had snuck out and bought a few Pokeballs. His parents were out of town. Troy rummaged
through his backpack to make sure they were there.

“What is that! What are you doing Master Troy with those Pokeballs? You know what your parents think about Pokemon!” said his butler, Geoffrey

“I…Uhm…Am keeping it for a friend!” replied Troy anxiously
Troy was worried Geoffrey was going to punish Troy (his parents had deemed it okay), but instead Geoffrey walked away. Then he came back with something, it was a bone.

“Ahh! Please don’t hit me with that!” Troy pleaded

“Hit you? Look, I know you want to try to catch a Pokemon. So give this Thick Club to your Cubone. I used to own a Marowak, but I traded it away without the Thick Club. Just don’t tell your parents I gave it to you.”

“Gee, thanks! I won’t tell my parents.” Troy said surprised
Troy left from his house with a stride in his step due to his new gift. He planned to head to a nearby cave. He thought the morning would be a perfect time to find some Diglett that had overpopulated the area. Troy hopped on his bike and started his cycling.

Once Troy had reached the cave, he stopped. It was bright inside precariously. It was a rather small cave that let plenty of light in through its entrance, though, so it seemed rational. Troy examined the floor of the cave and it seemed rather smooth. He then sent out his Cubone, who held onto Troy’s shoulder. Troy searched in his backpack again, pulling out the Thick Club and exchanged Cubone’s normal bone with it. Cubone seemed delighted in having this accessory, both fashionable and deadly.

Troy cycled further into the landmark, being wary of any nearby Diglett to capture. He was careful to avoid any large rocks that would plummet his bicycle over leading to a painful situation. As Troy went further, so did the level of darkness. Troy was astonished how dark it was for such a small cave. He eventually went to walking with his bike, rather than using it as intended while Cubone made use of its bi-ped design. Suddenly, Troy and Cubone heard some rumbling. WOOSH! A stalactite fell and nearly pierced through Troy. Troy stood in amazement as he realized his own mortality. Cubone stood in a defensive manner.

Suddenly a Diglett popped out of no where. It spread sand all around, messing with both Cubone and Troy’s vision in the semi-permeable darkness.

“Cubone, I’ve been prepared for this! Use Double-Edge!”

Cubone rushed towards the mole, but then it disappeared into the ground. Cubone rushed right into the rocky surface causing a few pieces of rock fell from the roof of the cave.

Then Diglett popped out again from its safe haven of underground and created a Fissure right at Cubone.

“Watch out Cubone!”

Cubone jumped at the edge of the new cliff created on it, but it barely hung on from it. It had stuck its new bone on top of the cliff to create a pole to hang on. Cubone used its upper body strength then to climb up.

“That was close. Use Bonemerang!”

Cubone then let go of its beloved device only to have it come back a few seconds later. The Bonemerang hit Diglett and then zoomed past it before it could go underground. The Diglett was too dazed to go underground before the Bonemerang came back to hit it again and then swiftly return to the hands of its owner.

Diglett seemed angry after those two blows. It rapidly gathered mud in its mouth and created a spherical ball of it. It shot it in the air above Cubone, who looked up one second late as the Mud Bomb departed right on its head. Cubone flailed around in its lack of vision.

“Come on Cubone, try another Bonemerang!”

Cubone threw its bone again, almost randomly. It flung into a wall and then back towards Cubone, but not into its hands. The bone clanked Cubone on the head.

The devilish Diglett then let go a wild Earthquake, causing damage to Cubone both directly and indirectly from the barrage of debris from above. Troy had also suffered some damage from this.

“Come on Cubone, just one more Bonemerang”

Cubone was weak, it tried to eye its opponent. It blinked a few times and then regained focus. It eyed the little bump in the dirt and threw its bone majestically once more. Diglett closed its eyes as it took the damage and again as the bone came back. Diglett looked dazed even more.

Troy searched for his Pokeball and then shot it too at the Diglett. The Pokeball glowed in a mysterious aura as it shook.
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  #2  
Old 06-01-2008, 12:19 PM
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Bryce Offline
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Default Re: Generic Story

I expect a one-time ref pass for this. Haha. ;3

[I]Story / Plot:[/u] A rich kid named Troy, whose parents have never approved of his desire to become a Pokemon master, is preparing to go out in search of some Diglett when his butler gives his Cubone a Thick Club and encourages the boy. Troy and Cubone then venture off into a nearby cave and soon encounter a Diglett. They battle it and attempt to capture the Pokemon.

The title pretty much says it all. This was nothing more than a generic story. I’d like to know why you would even write a story like this with the whole “kid travels off into a forest or cave in search of Pokemon” plot when you know how much graders despise it. That certainly didn’t help you any.

Otherwise, I guess it would be sufficient enough for a Simple Pokemon. The concept of a child whose parents don’t want him to follow his dreams of being a Pokemon master is done to death as well…

Your characters also seemed incredibly flat and cardboard-like. Their personalities are just so predictable that it sort of made this story not fun to read. Please work on adding depth to each person… Giving them emotions and facial expressions and thoughts and such.

Introduction: Nothing much to it. You tell about how Troy is waking up and getting prepared to go catch a Pokemon and does not appreciate the things he has… I can’t really suggest anything other than describing everything to its fullest.

Spelling / Grammar: This wasn’t too bad. You had a lot of common, careless errors, such as forgetting periods here and there. Overall, there were a few more mistakes than necessary, but it wasn’t anything major.

Quote:
However, there is one thing Troy didn’t have that he really wanted.
Saying that there “is” a thing offers that the story is in present tense, but having “didn’t” in there suggests that it is past tense. Pick a tense and stick with it.

Quote:
“Gee, thanks! I won’t tell my parents.” Troy said surprised
A) You’re forgetting a period.

B) There should be a comma separating “said” and “surprised”.

Quote:
Cubone rushed right into the rocky surface causing a few pieces of rock fell from the roof of the cave.
There should be a comma after “surface”, since a pause needs to be indicated.

Quote:
“Watch out Cubone!”
When addressing a person (or Pokemon in this case), you must put a comma preceding the name. So, it should look like this:

“Watch out, Cubone!”

Length: You BARELY skimmed the surface. Never stop just because you have enough… Always write until you get your point across.

Detail / Description: This was really lacking. Sure, you included some nice vocabulary words, but the description was virtually nonexistent. You always want to paint a picture for your reader by using as many adjectives as you can to describe everything and anything. Otherwise, they may not envision the scene the way it was intended.

You didn’t tell about your characters’ appearances AT ALL. We didn’t even get Troy’s age, nor his hair color, eye color, height, particular markings, clothing…. ANYTHING. This went the same for Geoffrey as well.

Also, what was up with you not telling what a Diglett looks like? Surely you could have at least included something about it being brown and such…

You did tell about the surroundings quite nicely though… Good job on that.

Battle: I can’t really complain. Other than it having very, very little description, it was quite nice. It took up quite a large chunk of your story and such… Good job again.

Also, I loved how you made sure that it was two-sided. Throughout the entire battle, you could never be sure who had the upper hand, nor who would come out on top… Cubone looked to be finished near the end, but came back to defeat the Diglett.

Outcome: To be honest, I was very, very close to failing this, just due to the lack of description and your see-through characters. Just know that this is your one time that I’ll go easy on you, simply because I haven’t seen any other stories from you, and I really don’t know what you are capable of. Next time, a story like this won’t cut it. Diglett Captured! I’ll be watching for your next story, so know that you have to work your hardest to even catch a Magikarp. Otherwise, have fun with your new dirt-lump. :D
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