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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 05-27-2008, 06:11 PM
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Default Don't Fall Snover!

(IF any names say Sarah, that mean Sheila, I made a typo)

Don’t Fall Snover!

The village of Snowpoint. A calm yet cold and friendly environment where Pokemon Trainers battle here, as part of training. The deep white snow lay on the floor resting, and the sun rises in the sky showing the promise of a new day.

Sheila, who started her Pokemon career yesterday, lay on her bed awake studying everything in her room. The clothes cabinet on her left side and on the right side a desk with her only Poke ball in. The cream painted walls reflected the sunlight onto her, urging her out of bed.

She got out of her cosy white quilt, and got changed into her black shirt with no sleeves, white gloves with her finger tips showing, black trousers with plenty of zip up pockets and white trainers.

She opened her hazelnut clothes cabinet and looked at the mirror inside of it. It showed her fine, long brunette hair along with her soft white skin and the smile on her face.

She picked up her Poke ball and walked out of the green door, and walked down the stairs on her left. She had size 8 feet, so she was bound to make a loud noise going down the stairs, for anyone in the house to hear.

“Honey, your breakfast is ready! I got you something special!” Her mother Misty called her.

Once Sheila had got down the stairs, she turned to the right and ran straight towards her mother. To be more specific, her “special” cereal. Misty was no different looking to Sheila, it was just that she was older, around 40. Sheila was 18, so she had started her Pokemon journey later than most people.

“Mum, you’re pretty good at guessing my trends aren’t you?” Sheila commented over her Pikachoc cereal, which had miniature shaped chocolate versions of Pikachu in it.

“Yes, I am. I used to be a teenager when I was younger you know!” Misty replied, with a grinning face.

Sheila’s blue eyes sparkled; she appreciated having a mother like Misty. She sat down on the chair at the table, grabbed a metal silver spoon and ate her way through it. It was very tasty, and she was glad there was more.

“I’m going to go outside and get a bit of training in, ok?” Sheila said.

“Did Professor Rowan teach you how to catch a Pokemon?” Misty enquired her.

“No he didn’t, but I’ve seen it done on TV loads of times by this kid called Ash Ketchum so I know how to capture them,” She said, determined to prove she was responsible enough to be a trainer.

“Well fine, but be careful ok?” She said.

“Yes, can I borrow a Poke ball then?!” Sheila asked.

“Yes, and you can take my water stone, it’s been passed down through our generation, keep it on your journey, you may find it comes in handy,” Misty handed her daughter the Water Stone, a stone with shining blue colours, dazzling and glowing in her hands.
Sheila took both, put them in her trouser pockets and ran outside of the house for her training.

She was greeted by her neighbour, Bruce who also started his journey yesterday. He was wearing a brown beanie, black shirt and a green jacket, and camouflage trousers, and black shoes.

“I know the perfect place to train; do you want me to show you?” Bruce asked with his deep low pitched voice.

“Sure why not, just don’t roll your brown eyes at me if I do something stupid ok?” Sheila grinned.

They headed north of Sheila’s house towards the forest, where there were dark and tall birch trees everywhere. They stepped into even more ice, and preceded towards the waterfall, where was some space in the trees, water and snow to battle. It was perfect for two new rookies.

They both knew the battle would be fun. They were both people who knew fair play and they always had the ability to try something different, which made them so unique.
They both enlarged their Poke balls, and threw them into the air unleashing two separate Pokemon.

Sheila’s Pokemon was an Aipom, a small purple monkey that had a big tail with a huge hand on its tail used for grabbing, Aipom also had a face had a creamy circle around it smiled and raised its tail into the air.

Bruce unleashed his Eevee, a creamy brown rabbit with a lion’s mane. It had black sparkling eyes, it stood on four legs and had a bushy tail.

Both Pokemon were of equal size.

“Shall we begin?” Bruce glared.

“Aipom, Swift!” Sheila answered sending Aipom a command, trying to catch Eevee off guard.

Aipom stood on its tail, and sprung up into the air, charging its move.

“Eevee, use Quick Attack!” Bruce commanded Eevee, trying to stop Aipom’s attack.

“Aipom, dodge and then use Tail Whip!”

Eevee jumped into the air and with incredible speed, charged at Aipom, but while Aipom’s tail was charging Swift, Sheila changed its motives. With incredible timing and strength, Aipom was able to curl itself into a ball and smash its tail onto Eevee, sending it down to the ground. Eevee was able to land however.

“Nice moves Sheila!” Bruce said.

“Yeah, Aipom seems to be showing me the way,” Sheila replied.

Aipom landed on its two feet and grinned at Eevee, attempting to taunt Bruce’s Pokemon into a direct attack.

“Eevee, Sand Attack!” Bruce countered.

Eevee turned around and used its rabbit feet to kick with enough power, rough and painful sand out of the snow into Aipom’s eyes blinding the monkey.

“Aipom, jump into the water quick!” Sheila raised her voice.

Sheila made a big mistake, she forgot where the sand hit Aipom, and it jumped backwards away from the waterfall.

With no warning, out of the waterfall came a huge blast of ice hitting and freezing Aipom, distracting Sheila and Bruce. They saw a Snover jump out of the waterfall and into the ground they were battling it on.

This Pokemon was white at the top and brown at the bottom; it looked as if it resembled a snow-covered fir tree. It had two; legless feet that slightly resembled tree roots and its hands were green like a tree’s leaves.

“Oh no, not a Snover!” Bruce moaned.

Sheila grabbed Aipom’s Poke ball and prepared to put it back in its Poke ball but the Snover was too quick. It jumped into the air and grabbed the red and white ball and ran past Sheila, making a getaway.

“Come on Sheila, we’ve got to chase it! We’ll use my Eevee!” He suggested.

Sheila nodded, and they ran straight towards the Snover showing a pace advantage.

Sensing they were right behind it, Snover came to a stop and threw the Poke ball full force at Sheila’s face. Bruising her and inflicting pain on her cheek. There was nothing she could do, nor help Eevee with.

“Eevee, use Quick Attack!”

Eevee dashed full speed at Snover, and it made contact, sending Snover to hit a big and hard tree.

“Quick Sheila, let’s go back to Aipom!” Bruce shouted.

Sheila picked up the Poke ball, and then they ran back to where Aipom was, with Eevee beside them.

“Hey I know Bruce! I have this thing called a Water Stone; my Mum said it’s really helpful! Let’s try it out,” Sheila suggested, pointing it at Aipom’s frozen state.

Eevee started glowing, covered in a bright white silhouette. Everyone’s eyes turned to Eevee, as the Pokemon began to change shape, into a four legged mammal Pokemon named Vaporeon. It had a light blue body and a sky white collar, yellow ears and dark blue ridges on its spine leading down to its fish like tail.

“Oh no, this isn’t going to help us beat Snover at all! How can a water type like Vaporeon help us beat a grass Pokemon like Snover?!” Bruce complained, disappointed in Eevee’s evolution.

“Well, Vaporeon will come in handy soon, right? Besides, a good trainer can always win, no matter what type advantage right? You remember Ash Ketchum when he beat a Gym Leader’s Onix with a Pikachu!” Sheila said trying to make a positive side.
“All we can do now is try to find a Pokemon that can help us melt or smash the ice!” Bruce suggested.

They turned to the right, and headed deeper into the dark forest. They were surrounded by dark birch trees, but that didn’t put them off.

After a while, they found a Bidoof, a beaver like Pokemon with buck teeth, a floppy black tail and furry brown skin. The problem was however, it looked like it was hibernating.
“Excuse me Bidoof, would you mind doing me a favour? You see I’ve had my only Pokemon frozen by a naughty Snover, please may you help me unfreeze it? It would be a great help-” Sheila was interrupted.

“DAMN IT!” Bruce was so frustrated with the Bidoof being asleep and everything else that happened he turned his foot back and kicked the sleeping Bidoof with all of his built up frustration.

Before Bruce got a chance to ask Vaporeon to help him, it and Sheila were long gone past Bidoof, running away. The innocent beaver opened its eyes, growled and lunged at Bruce, biting him on his left knee. Bidoof got a crunching grip; it ripped through his trousers and grounded Bruce, leaving him bleeding.

The Bidoof didn’t do any more damage however; it ran away in the same direction to where Sheila and Vaporeon were heading.

Sheila was a having a more pleasant time, running for her life, but still. There was one problem though. Bruce was nowhere to be seen, and Sheila had no idea where she was going.

The forest’s darkness cam to a halt, as Sheila reached the end of the forest. Downhill was down a mountain, it was a dead end. The other ways out were blocked by big wooden fences, not climbable.

STOMP. STOMP. STOMP.

Sheila and Vaporeon stood there silently, scared.

CRASH!

A tree toppled, heading for Sheila. Vaporeon pushed Sheila out of the way.The tree missed them, but it shattered the wooden fence altogether. It was now possible for them to fall down.

Snover appeared with menacing eyes, and somehow, a tree in its hands. A Woodhammer. An lethal Grass type attack capable of destroying a Pokemon like Vaporeon.

“Vaporeon, use Bubblebeam full power!” Sheila cried.

If Sheila could weaken Snover enough before it could make contact, Snover might just drop it and be successfully weakened.

Vaporeon’s cheeks guzzled with water, and unleashed quick yet pretty barrages of Bubblebeams, but it didn’t seem like anything was working. Vaporeon dodged to the side of the fallen tree, trying to protect itself.

Snover growled, and with tremendous power, swung the Woodhammer into Vaporeon, smashing it into the tree, but making sure it didn’t fall down the mountain. A crunching sound shivered Sheila’s spine, as the tree was smashed in half.

Snover wasn’t done. It unleashed a barrage of green and sharp Razor Leaf attacks, but it didn’t stop at all.

CRASH!

Snover cried, and collapsed to the floor. Aipom was stood behind it. Sheila had the angle to see what happened. Aipom had defrosted, jumped through the trees and tail smashed Snover’s back. The Woodhammer recoil damage, the Bubblebeam barrages and the brutal finish from Aipom.

“Aipom, make me proud buddy!” Sheila cried, throwing her Poke ball at Aipom’s tail. Using its tail, it smacked the Poke ball into Snover. The ball flashed and sucked Snover into it and the ball rolled two times but then...

For: Snover
Rank: Medium
Characters: With Spaces, 10,884.
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Rampardos pwns (16:33:31): i r older than you :P
Volcanflame (16:33:35): ooo wat a coincidence
Rampardos pwns (16:33:35): and samrter

Last edited by umbreonandespeon; 06-01-2008 at 09:17 AM.
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  #2  
Old 06-01-2008, 09:00 AM
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Default Re: Don't Fall Snover!

*clings* Dibs again :P

PLOT:

A rookie trainer, Shelia, who lives in Snowpoint City, is going to train with her friend, Bruce. Before she goes, her mother, Misty, gives her a Water Stone, saying it has always been helpful to the family. Sheila leaves and she and Bruce go to a forest to train. They have a battle that is rudely interrupted by a Snover. It freezes Aipom, Sheila’s Pokémon and runs off, with Bruce, Sheila and Eevee (Bruce’s Pokémon) in hot pursuit. They lose Snover, so return to Aipom. Sheila tries to heal Aipom using the Water Stone, but only succeeds in evolving Eevee instead, much to Bruce’s dismay. They go off in search of a Pokémon to unfreeze Aipom, and find a Bidoof. Bruce kicks the Bidoof whilst it’s sleeping, and, in return, gets bitten. Sheila and Vaporeon have, by this time, fled. They reach a wooden fence before turning and seeing Snover, using Woodhammer. Vaporeon tries to weaken Snover but Snover is storng against Water Attacks. Suddenly, Aipom appears and Double Hit’s Snover in the back. Sheila throws a Pokéball at Snover, attempting to catch it.

I think this was a very good plot. At Medium level, you have to start getting to the point where originsl plots are a must, so I’m pleased to see that :). There were a few bits that I thought could’ve been explained more (E.G. How did Aipom get unfrozen, why was the Snover so intent on hurting the Pokémon, even if it is wild?), but other than that, I think you made a good plot here. Good job!

INTRODUCTION:

You introduced us with Sheila starting her day in the way anybody would: get up, get dressed, have breakfast… ok, maybe the last bit not everybody would do xD But yeah, typical morning, you wouldn’t expect to later be fearing for your friends Pokémon’s well being, would you? Nice introduction that explained who Sheila was, where she was, and everything else a good introduction has.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:

I’ve seen better. There weren’t tons of mistakes, but a hefty amount.

[[The deep white snow lay on the floor resting, and the sun rises in the sky showing the promise of a new day.]]

When using a sentence in one tense, you continue using that tense throughout the sentence. Also, if it’s at the start of the story, that’s usually the tense throughout, but you did that, so that was good. For example, it would be either one of these:

**The deep white snow lay on the floor resting, and the sun rose in the sky showing the promise of a new day.**
**The deep white snow lies on the floor resting, and the sun rises in the sky showing the promise of a new day.**

[[Sheila, who started her Pokemon career yesterday, lay on her bed awake studying everything in her room.]]

Sort of the same as above, except that it’s the word ‘yesterday’. That’s present tense, and the rest of it is past. An alternative might be to use the words “the day before”.

[[but I’ve seen it done on TV loads of times by this kid called Ash Ketchum so I know how to capture them,”]]

There should be a comma after ‘Ketchum’, as it’s stating a different subject than the clause before.

[[Yes, and you can take my water stone,]]

‘water stone’ should have capital letters: Water Stone. This goes for anything Pokémon related, including attacks, items, and Pokémon names.

[[She was greeted by her neighbour, Bruce who also started his journey yesterday. He was wearing a brown beanie, black shirt and a green jacket, and camouflage trousers, and black shoes.]]

You’ve got too many ‘and’s in that sentence. It’s ok to use the and between black shirt and green jacket, because they’re sort of a pair; for example “I’ve got Pikachu, Plusle and Minun, Magnemite, and Electrike”. Plusle and Minun are usually said with an ‘and’, so it’s ok. The correct way of your sentence is:

**She was greeted by her neighbour, Bruce who also started his journey yesterday. He was wearing a brown beanie, black shirt and a green jacket, camouflage trousers, and black shoes.**

[[Aipom also had a face had a creamy circle around it smiled and raised its tail into the air]]

I think the second ‘had’ should be a ‘with’, or remove ‘also had a’ and put an apostrophe and an ‘s’ after Aipom, to show possession.

**Aipom also had a face with a creamy circle around it smiled and raised its tail into the air**
**Aipom’s face had a creamy circle around it smiled and raised its tail into the air**

Also, another error with the same sentence. It should be two separate sentences.

**Aipom also had a face with a creamy circle around it. It smiled and raised its tail into the air**

[[Eevee turned around and used its rabbit feet to kick with enough power, rough and painful sand out of the snow into Aipom’s eyes blinding the monkey.]]

Two commas needed: one after ‘kick; and one after ‘eyes’.

[[It had two; legless feet that slightly resembled tree roots and its hands were green like a tree’s leaves.]]

The semi colon should be a comma, as the next phrase isn’t the start of a new sentence, nor continuing a list following a colon.

[[We’ll use my Eevee!” He suggested.]]

Nothing major, just that you’d said two names before that, so ‘he’ could be anyone. I know Bruce was the last to speak, but it’s always good to remind the readers who it is.

[[Sheila was a having a more pleasant time, running for her life, but still.]]

I know, this is probably annoying, I’m asking you to change semi-colons to commas, then commas to semi-colons xD. The first comma should be a semi colon.

[[Vaporeon pushed Sheila out of the way.The tree missed them,]]

A space after the full stop is required.

[[An lethal Grass type attack capable of destroying a Pokemon like Vaporeon.]]

‘An’ should be ‘A’. An is used for when the next word begins in a vowel sound; A for when it doesn’t.

[[Aipom had defrosted, jumped through the trees and tail smashed Snover’s back.]]

Another sentence I think was worded wrong.

**Aipom had defrosted, jumped through the trees, and its tail had smashed Snover’s back**

[[The Woodhammer recoil damage, the Bubblebeam barrages and the brutal finish from Aipom.]]

What did all these things do? It’s like an unfinished sentence.

LENGTH:

Scraping the bottom of the barrel is bad. Length does play an important role in grading, otherwise it wouldn’t have its own category. For future stories, aim for at least halfway between the desired amounts, over it if you can! :D

DETAIL/DESCRIPTION:

Definitely your strongest area; you described everything clearly, from Sheila to Snover. The only thing I would say is try to not just describe things like “Aipom was a monkey Pokémon with a tail and paws and a tan belly” all the time. Try to describe them using movement (Jackson told me the name of that, but I can’t remember :P). For example: “Aipom was a monkey Pokémon; It used its paws to pick up some snow and threw it at Eevee. Eevee returned fire, and the snowball hit Aipom’s tan belly” Much better :)

Also, since I think you’re very good in this category, try to describe things with not just sight. I, myself, am not very good at this, but that’s not to say you aren’t. Try and describe using all of the senses.

BATTLE:

There were two battles, and I like that in a story; you can’t get too much battling. They were both two-sided (good), you described attacks well (good), but it wasn’t quite long (bad D:). Most of the time, battles take up a good chunk of the story, maybe a few chapters for higher ranked Pokémon. Stories with long battles > stories with short battles.

OUTCOME:

Well… the battle could’ve been longer, the plot had a few holes in it, and the grammar could be refined a bit, but your description was great, which I think saved you. ^^ Snover captured!. Have fun! ^^
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Last edited by -Pichu Boy-; 06-01-2008 at 02:03 PM.
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  #3  
Old 06-01-2008, 02:28 PM
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Default Re: Don't Fall Snover!

Thank you Magickid, I'll be continuing this story soon, so I'll pm you then. Thanks for grading m8.

~U&E~
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Rampardos pwns (16:33:31): i r older than you :P
Volcanflame (16:33:35): ooo wat a coincidence
Rampardos pwns (16:33:35): and samrter
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