Explosion of Depression
|Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.
05-28-2008, 12:34 AM
Join Date: May 2008
Explosion of Depression
Explosion of Depression
"Beep! Beep, Boppity-Boop!"
Dane flailed his hands around wildly in an attempt to shut off his loud alarm clock.
"You make me wish I were dead, you obnoxious machine," Dane said with a sigh.
This was not an unusual statement for Dane. He was often going on about how life was pointless and that he wished he were never born. Dane was a young lad who had long rainbow colored hair that covered both of his eyes and the rest of his ugly face. He had a gelatinously fat face which lowered his self esteem even more. His round nose and "butt chin" was covered in ruby red pimples that seemed to shine like precious jewels in the light of the sun.
"Well, I guess I'll have to survive another day in this wretched body," said Dane as he pulled his black sheets off of his death bed and began to brush his rotten teeth.
After his morning rituals were completed, he walked down stairs for another serving of depression from the world.
"Dane, my son! Are you all ready for the big race today?" Dane's peppy father, Daniel asked with a big grin.
This was an annual thing for Dane's family. Every year they would go to the town Pokémon race, where all the families would get together and compete in team events.
"What do you think, Daniel? Do you honestly think I would want to participate? Why do you even ask?" Dane barked back at his father.
"Well, why don't you want to participate? At least give me an explanation," Dane's father replied.
"Why don't I want to participate? I don't have any Pokémon that aren't complete failures. The only one I have is Munchlax and it's just as fat and worthless as me."
"Oh, now I see!" Daniel shouted as he jumped up and clicked his heels together, "Well then, I want you to go into the forest and find a better Pokémon! Off you go now, go find a super powerful Pokémon so you can kill those towns people good, you here me?"
With that said, Dane's father pushed him right out of the door, excited to have his son possibly catch a new Pokémon.
As Dane entered the light, his heart began to burn and turn black inside. The sun was shining so bright; it was like nothing Dane had ever seen before. He hated it. The birds were perched on the luscious green trees so happily. Their beautiful songs meant nothing to him; they sounded just as disgustingly obnoxious as his alarm clock did that morning. Everything in the forest was just so happy, a little too happy for young master Dane to handle.
"Let's get this over with. I want to get out of this horrible place they call the outside as soon as possible," Dane mumbled as walked through a pathway of trees that made the entrance to the forest.
The light that previously burned Dane was now blocked by the thick tree covering. Wide open grass land turned into a dense forest of trees with many plants, large rocks, and a lot of strange looking weeds and mushrooms. This gave Dane a slight feeling of happiness. The darkness soothed him, and it made him feel at home.
Dane looked around the forest for a moment and then his vision was drawn back to those golden colored mushrooms. They looked so magical, so appealing; Dane knew he must taste one. The depressed lad reached out with his pale little arms and grabbed one of the mushrooms. He took a bite and let it sit in his mouth for a moment. It tasted just as magical as it looked! For a moment, everything in Dane's vision went blurry. All of his troubles were gone and he was in a perfectly happy state of nirvana. His vision which was once black and white was filled with all sorts of colors; spiraling colors, strange mixtures of colors that made Dane feel very sleepy. Yes, he was getting very sleepy. Dane tilted his head back and it felt as though he were flying. He was falling now; slowly drifting through a deep abyss of azure, and know he had crashed. He had landed on a fluffy bed of clouds! And now, everything was black again.
"Chop! Chop, chop!"
A slicing pain went through Dane's head. He was awake now, and that carefree state he had had recently was gone now.
"What is hitting me?" Dane grumbled.
Everything was blurry, and he could not quite make out the figure that stood above him. It was small and gray, he knew it was either a Pokémon or a strange little man.
The pain came back again. This blow seemed to knock the confusion right out of Dane's eyes. Everything was clear now, he could see the face of his attacker; It was a Machop! The tiny gray Pokémon stood above Dane with a disgruntled expression on it's face. For a Pokémon of its size, it was very powerful. It had muscular legs and arms that appeared to be as strong as a man twice his size.
The Machop swung it's arm down at Dane's face once more. Dane screamed in fear and rolled to the side, barely avoiding the Machop's reach. Dane then quickly scrambled onto his feet and grabbed his Pokéball.
"This thing wants to battle, huh?" Dane said as he panted for breathe.
Dane tossed his long rainbow colored hair out of his face and then threw his Pokéball down to the moist forest ground. The Pokéball popped open and a tiny, fat blue Pokémon was released; it was Dane's Munchlax.
"Munchlax. I don't know what the point in even fighting is, but I guess we have no choice. Use Body Slam," Dane said in a monotoned voice.
The fat Munchlax charged forward as fast as it's stubby little legs could carry it. It leaped a few inches into the air, and then slammed against Machop with all of it's weight.
"Blargh! Ma-Machop!" the Machop yelled as it's muscular body was squished against the jagged side of a rock.
Machop regained it's energy and then kicked forward at the Munchlax that was keeping him captive with it's large stomach. Munchlax flew into the air and tumbled a few times across the grass. It's excess weight gave it quite a bit of momentum which kept it rolling for a while. Once it finally stopped rolling, Munchlax stood up, dazed and confused from being rolled around so much.
"Alright Munchlax, use your Defense Roll," Dane said lethargically.
Munchlax tucked it's head inside the excess skin on it's belly. A magical green ring flashed around it's whole body, and Munchlax looked more sturdy, maybe a little bit more capable to take hits.
Just before Munchlax could roll out of it's Defense Curl, Machop lunged forward and swung both of it's arms out wide. It then slammed it's arms down with great intensity in a sort of X-formation. It was Machop's Cross Chop attack. It's power was rumored to be strong enough to shatter rocks into tiny bits. As Machop attacked, Munchlax cried out in pain. It had almost given up it's will to fight, it had taken so much damage already.
"Munchlax, there's still hope. Maybe we aren't complete failures. Let's keep trying, maybe we can win this," Dane said with a slight smile on his face.
Munchlax realized the determination in it's trainers voice. Now it was determined; it too had a desire to win.
The short and stout Munchlax tucked tself into a ball. It then began to roll at high speeds, speeds that Munchlax would never be able to reach if it were running. Before Machop even got a chance to move, Munchlax rolled right under it's legs! The little muscular Pokémon was caught off guard and was sent flying into a tree. It slid down and lay on the ground, unable to move for a moment. Almost at the same time it fell Munchlax was already rolling towards Machop again! It rolled right over Machop this time, the weight of it's body pushing all energy out of the Machop.
Machop tried to get up, but it was too weak. It sat on the ground unable to move.
"We did it, Munchlax! Maybe we aren't useless!" Dane shouted excitedly. "You know Munchlax, I learned something from this. Maybe it's best not to always have a negative outlook on life. Perhaps things aren't always as bad as they seem."
"Yeah, optimism!" a mysterious voice echoed from the deepest parts of the forest.
"Well, I guess if we capture Machop then we have a good chance at winning that race," Dane said. "Here goes nothing."
Dane excitedly reached into his pocket. He grabbed a new crimson colored Pokéball and threw it at the limp Machop's body. Machop was sucked inside. The ball started to wiggle once, twice...
Desired Pokémon: Machop
Characters Needed: 6,000
Character Count: 8,280
06-01-2008, 01:34 PM
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: The land of tea and fish 'n' chips
Re: Explosion of Depression
I'm claiming so many stories. ^^
I think this is my shortest grade yet D: Oh noes.
A boy called Dane wakes up, and is angry that he has to endure another day of loathsomeness of his own body. He goes downstairs and his dad, Daniel (got a bit of a D thing going on there? xD), is excited at the Pokémon race held annually at their town. Dane doesn’t want to go, as Munchlax never wins any races, so his dad forces Dane to go to the forest and catch a Pokémon.
:o I love clichéd plots with a twist xD. Sure, he’s a ‘kid going into forest looking for Pokémon’, but he’s got a different motive, which I like about this plot! I’m not sure how many stories you’ve written, so if it’s your first, good job. ^^
You started us off by doing what you should always do – introduce the main character! *cheers* You told us who he was, what he looked like, where he was, stuff like that. A great introduction, and yeah, I hate alarm clocks too. :P
A few typos here and there. Your worst mistake was probably continually placing an apostrophe when using ‘its’ for possession. There is none, despite the rule D: A few other minor mistakes where placing commas instead of semi-colons, for example:
[[It had almost given up it's will to fight, it had taken so much damage already.]]
Other mistakes were:
[[Dane said as he panted for breathe.]]
‘Breath’ is the noun, ‘breathe’ is the action. ;)
[[Dane said in a monotoned voice.]]
I always thought differently, but ‘monotoned’ is apparently not a word. Of course, my sources might be lying like heck, so just watch out for that in future.
The least amount of mistakes I’ve ever had to point out, so have a cookie!
You lieeeeed D: Your story was NOT 8280 characters; it was 8219 :P And you don’t need 6k for Machop, just 5k. So, basically, in the middle. That’s the minimum Grader’s ask for, good job (I’m running out of ways to congratulate people!)
Definitely good, have another cookie. The description of Dane’s face was amazing, as was his feeling after eating the mushroom. The effects were sort of like that of meditation, or maybe it was a magic mushroom (I hope not, they’re illegal!)
My only tip would be not to over-describe things. I once was told in one of my story’s grades that I’d put too much description in at some points, and that it was starting to get boring to read. That story wasn’t, but I felt it was on the verge of, so keep aware of that next time. If you feel that a blind person would have a good picture, stop. :)
I think I’ve used too many little words in this grade (shock, horror!) so I’m going to put more of an advanced vocabulary in.
I felt that the battle between Machop and Munchlax was intriguing! They certainly had been eager for more, and I was very depressed when it ended.
…Ok, maybe the battles wasn’t THAT good, but it was still a great battle. You definitely had it two-sided, and at some points Machop looked close to winning! At some points, I didn’t know what the moves were, but that might’ve just been me accidentally skipping them, so, as the French say, bien!
Battle was good, description was good, heck, the plot was good, even for a cliché! :P Have fun with your fisticuffs, because Machop Captured!. I look forward to seeing more of your stories in the near future :)
MK + Trainer17 = Evil twins | MK + Leo = BFFs
Last edited by -Pichu Boy-; 06-01-2008 at 04:05 PM.
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