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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 05-31-2008, 01:41 AM
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Default Sibling Rivalry

I groaned (at least in my mind) as I tried to break the restraints on my body. My eyes stared blankly at the ceiling, unmoving, as I was unable to move neither my body, nor any other muscle in my body. Well, I couldn’t move any of my stuffing (or at least, that was what it felt like).

It certainly is an odd feeling, being trapped inside the body of a doll—you observe everything that goes on around you, but are unable to do anything. No one who passed by gave a glance at me, only the dark burgundy ceiling looked at me. For the past hour, I’d been hearing my mother’s doctors rushing by, mumbling to themselves, as they catered to her dying whims.

My mother was Sabrina, leader of the Saffron City Gym. As of late, she’d been going a little crazy, (using her psychic powers against challengers, which she doesn’t normally do) and had been diagnosed to be dying. I didn’t exactly know what she was dying of, as the doctor’s kept it a big secret for some odd reason.

I honestly don’t know what kept her going. Was it that she wanted to see one of her (favorite) children obtain the gym? Or was she prolonging her life as to continue being pampered by those who came to visit her.

In any case, she or my siblings who had trapped me in this doll could come by and save me (really, only she would save me, my siblings would laugh and maybe feed me to their Pokemon).

I was snapped from my thoughts, as my vision clouded with a strange blue color, almost like the color of the sea. It seemed to drift around the corners of my mind, like fog. I knew what was coming—a flashback. I had inherited the strange ability form my mother to see into the past. I couldn’t control when they happened, but often times, they proved useful to what I was doing at the moment. It was strange though, as when I was in my flashbacks, it was as if time hadn’t moved at all.

The cloud of blue began to fill my mind, and soon my vision was nothing but blue. I then found myself feeling like I was falling—which normally scares me, but at the moment, it was nice just to actually feel something happening, and be able to look around (although there was nothing to look at).

Suddenly, I found myself as I had been earlier that morning, looking into a mirror. I stepped to the side to inspect myself. I was casually running my fingers through my shoulder-length brown hair, trying to make it look as if I had brushed it. My deep purple t-shirt was wrinkled, but looked nice in comparison with my blue jeans. I (well, the me that was in front of the mirror) took one last glance at myself (once again, the me in front of the mirror) in the small, gleaming mirror, and headed out of the room.

I (the me that’s me. Not the me that walked out of the room) then looked around at my room. The walls were burgundy colored, with a splattering of my favorite bands’ posters tacked upon the wall. A small bed with its covers thrown back was tucked into a corner of the room, beneath a window letting the early morning sun into the room.

Suddenly, I found myself in my mother’s room, standing off to the side. Beads on dangly strings hung from the ceilings, and I could smell lavender. A crowd of men in white coats stood to one side of her large bed, all nervous and twitchy. A small lady lay underneath the deep purple covers of the bed, seeming diminutive against the huge bed. She was propped up with a couple big, white pillows, her black hair billowing out to the sides.

On the other side of the bed was a strange man. He was garbed in a green tunic, with a strange green hat that looked like a floppy cone. His face was hidden from where I stood, but I could hear him talking.

“We’re going to give a series of tests to see which is best suited for the job,” he was saying to Mother, who didn’t appear to be listening at all. “The first test will see if they can capture a Pokemon,” he told her.

“Do you think that if cows were pretty mermaids, they’d be able to fly?” she asked. The man in the green tunic simply nodded at her,

“Most definitely,”

I turned around to face the door, and saw the faces of my siblings peering in the room. As those gathered around the bed began to discuss different things, their heads moved away from the cracked door. I, taking one last glance at my mother, walked through the door, (no need to open the door) and saw the backs of my siblings heading down the hallway.

I began to follow them, and soon, we were in a small room, only lit by a small light bulb in the ceiling. One leaned up against the red brick wall and began to speak. “So, we’re going to have to capture a Pokemon? Sounds interesting, neh?” he asked, his voice muffled by the bandana that he wore around his neck. His head was tilted into it, showing only his red, curly hair.

“Yeah, but of course, Libby’ll get in the way,” said the girl laying on the old couch, her dark black hair that she had inherited from her mother flying out from behind her.

“Chhyeah, of course though, Libby’ll do something to outdo us, and she’ll get Mom’s approval. AGAIN,” the third boy said, from a dark corner in the room.

Was this really what they thought about me? Did I really try to outdo them? I didn’t think so, but their words made me think about it. It just seemed that mother liked what I did more.

A knock on the door startled them, and I too, jumped. “Harvey? Charlie? Mandy? Are you guys in there?” a voice asked from the other side of the door. I froze. It was my own voice. I wanted to jump up and yell “No!” but I wouldn’t hear me. My three siblings looked at each other, evil grins spread across their faces.

“Yeah, we’re just cleaning up. We’ll be out in a second,” the one with the bandana, Charlie, told me, lifting his head out of his bandana to show a handsome face, blue eyes sparkling even in the dim lighting. He beckoned for his siblings to follow, and they all exited the small room. I walked out with them, horrified.

“Hey, Libby, we have something to show you,” Mandy said slyly, her black hair hanging neatly down her back. “Follow me!” she announced, skipping down the hallway happily, her hair flipping up behind her. I (the other me) set off at a jog to catch up to her, while the two boys merely walked. I stuck behind them, listening to their whispered words.

“So, what are we going to do?” asked Charlie. Although I could only see the back of his head, I could picture his face in my mind, scheming about how to take me out.

Harvey turned to look at Charlie, showing his face. Harvey’s black hair was combed back neatly, and his face was free from scratches or other marks. “I think we’ll have to dispose of her somehow,” he said without any expression on his face.

Charlie looked confused, but soon we caught up with where Mandy and I had stopped.

It was a small room, about the size of someone’s office. No posters or pictures adorned the wall, only lavender wallpaper that wrapped the room in its color. In the middle of the room was a large square table, which was positioned perfectly in the center of the room. On top of it was what looked almost like a maze someone created for his or her hamsters, except for one major difference.

There were small houses, nicely painted. It was like you were in a neighborhood where all the houses are built the same, but were painted a bit differently. One had green shingles, another had tan siding, etc.

I (both of me) snapped around as the door clunked shut behind us. It looked odd, its white standing out against the lavender walls. On the wall opposite this door, I could see another door, which was where the doctors. My attention turned to the table as Harvey began to speak.

“Libby, look down at the third house on the right. We noticed something new about it!” he said, smiling broadly. I bent down to look at it (the other me).

“I don’t see anything,” I said, my voice muffled by the houses.

“Keeeep looking!” Charlie said. While I had been looking at the house, my three other siblings had gotten together and nodded to each other. They walked calmly apart from each other, unbeknownst to me (the me that was inspecting the miniature town).

The me in the past looked up from the town to see my siblings with their eyes closed. I wanted to reach over and break my siblings’ concentration, but I couldn’t, so I watched, mesmerized once again as they used their psychic powers.

Suddenly, my siblings opened their eyes. Each of their eyes glowed a dark blue.

I screamed, (both of me), as I was fearful of what was happening to me. I watched as my body fell onto the floor, limp. It hit the floor with a thump, and began to shrink, almost like a balloon releasing its air, and was soon the size of a children’s doll.

Libby laughed evilly; I could tell that she had enjoyed it. As my vision clouded in the blue fog that I had seen earlier, her laugh echoing in my ears as I once again found myself as a doll.

Urgh. Now I was just back where I started, having accomplished nothing. So my siblings had trapped me like a doll. Was I going to let that get me down? No! I was going to find a way to break this, and win the Saffron Gym.

Of course, those hopes were dashed quickly, as I could soon see, I wasn’t going anywhere. I couldn’t move an inch, and no one would be coming in here.

Suddenly, my ears picked up a noise coming from a side of the room. I would’ve looked up, but I couldn’t, being immobilized.

At this point, I was panicking to get moving again. In my mind, I scrambled, trying to gather enough energy to send a psychic pulse that would attract the attention of whoever had entered the room.

Suddenly, a tan creature with a long moustache bent over me, its eyes twinkling blue. Its ears looked almost catlike. “Dabra?” it asked, grabbing my body in its claw. I was scooped up, and held up in the air, body limp, but my mind was whirring.

It was my mother’s Kadabra! In its hand, it held a spoon, which enhanced its psychic powers. It had a large, busy tail, and strange, clawed feet. It was mostly tan, although its chest was a dark shade of brown.

It stared at my body intensely, and then laid me down onto the floor. Was it going to leave me there? It looked down at me, its eyes glowing blue, and it pointed its spoon at me. Suddenly, his body glowed a bright blue, all the way out to the tip of the spoon. The blue leaped off of the spoon, and onto my body. I could feel energy rushing through my limbs, as I grew larger. Soon, I was my normal self.

I jumped up from my position on the ground. “Kadabra!” I screamed, overjoyed. “You’re a lifesaver. Do you know if the competition for the gym has started yet?” I inquired, my voice filled with excitement, and anger. I would show my siblings that I was no pushover. Kadabra nodded, a saddened look on his face.

Without another word, I left the room, running out into the long hallway. I could see the man in the green tunic walking out the door in the main part of the gym. I sped off after him, my footsteps echoing in the strange building.

As I flung the old, beat-up doors leading to the outside world open, I could see the man in the green tunic stopping to chat with someone wearing a nice black suit, with his hair spiked up to a point. As I approached the pair, I could hear their voices, only slightly muffled by a small fountain that bubbled clear water endlessly nearby.

“She just seems to have disappeared. My hair can’t find her anywhere!” the man in the suit said, which seemed like a very odd sentence. Was everyone going crazy? The two turned to me, as I got closer. “Aha!” the man in the black suit yelled triumphantly. “Attention duelists! My hair has found her!”

Both the man in the green tunic and I looked at him strangely, and I turned to the man in the tunic. “I’m here. I got a little… tied up,” I told him. “I’m Libby, Sabrina’s fourth daughter,” I told him, trying to ignore the man who seemed to be obsessed with his hair (who, at the moment, was making sure it was still pointed).

“Well, it took you long enough to get here. You and you’re siblings are competing to own the Saffron City Gym, as your mother isn’t in the best condition,” he began, and proceeded to tell me everything I had known from seeing them discussing it in my vision into the past.

When he finished, I nodded. “So, where’s this Pokemon I have to catch?” I asked him, stealing a glance at the man who still tried to perfect his hair.

“Well,” the man in the green tunic began, “You see earlier today…”

As soon as he began to talk I could feel myself entering a flashback, falling once again through the thick blue fog, and landing in the same courtyard I stood in now. Around us, a small, decorate fence bordered flowerbeds of assorted colors, which stood next to a high wooden fence, which ran perpendicular to the large, purple building that was the gym. The bricks in the ground were laid down in circular patterns around a small fountain in the middle, its white marble endlessly bubbling up clear water.

To one side of the courtyard was the man in the black suit. On his belt, was a conspicuous Pokeball, gleaming brightly in the sun. He stood facing the fence, busily combing his hair, and I could hear him muttering encouraging words to it.

A creak made me turn to the gym. Out of the gym snuck three people in black cloaks, which covered their heads, and their faces, although I knew that these would be my siblings.

One crept up behind him, and leapt on his back, yanking ferociously on his hair.

“AAH! MY HAIR IS BEING ASSAULTED!” he roared, wheeling around violently, trying to shake his small attacker. While he tried to get them off, another ran up, and snatched the Pokeball from his belt. His attacker got off his back, and the three dashed away into the city beyond. He didn’t really seem to care that they stole his Pokeball, but seemed to care more that they had, unfortunately, messed up his hair.

The blue fog once again surrounded me, and I found myself back in the present, where the man in the green tunic was finishing telling me what I had seen. “This man was going to test you, but without that Pokemon, it will prove to be rather hard,” he said dramatically, taking a glance at Hairman.

I sighed. “So, what now? Do you have another Pokemon or something that I could capture?” I asked, only slightly impatiently.

He gave me an awkward glance. “Well, there’s his Pokemon,” he said, jerking a thumb at Hairman, “but it is his, and it’s a little… odd,” he finished, almost fearfully.

“Baldy? Yeah, you can battle him. My hair wants a Pokemon with a little more hair,” Hairman said, reaching into his suit jacket’s pocket, pulling out a small Pokeball, which he tossed to the man in the green tunic.

The man in the green nodded, and taking a small, blue sphere out of his pocket, he encased the Pokeball in the sphere. It glowed a bright aqua for a second, before dimming to a dull blue. The casing snapped open, and the Pokeball fell onto the ground, breaking open.

In a sudden flash of red light, the ball’s prisoner had been released. It looked like an overlarge acorn, about a foot tall. It waggled back and forth, as if unsure of what to do.

The man in the green tunic shot a look at Hairman. “I’ll be inside if you need me. Supervise her capture of this Seedot,” he ordered, turning around and walking into the building.

Hairman nodded at me, his hair once again perfectly pointed. “My hair commands you to send out your Pokemon!” he announced.

With a little cough, I reached for a small red and white Pokeball in my jeans pocket, and pulled it out. “Neets, come on out!” I chirped quietly. As the Pokeball impacted the ground, there was a red flash.

If anything was smaller than the acorn in front of me, this was it. It was a small lime green bird, about three-fourths of a foot tall. It had a small, pointed, yellow beak, which wasn’t very intimidating at all. A small red tail feather sprung out of its rear, looking out of place like it had sat on it by accident. It hopped uneasily about on two miniscule red talons, cocking its head (which, could also have been its body) at me.

“Tu?” it chirped, its voice very high-pitched.

“Neets! We’re going to take out this Seedot!” I told her encouragingly. She nodded. “Alright, let’s start out with a Peck attack!” I ordered. Neets sprung to my command, launching herself at the small acorn. Her beak jabbed at the Seedot’s soft body, and it leaped back in pain.

“Seed!” it yelled at Neets defiantly, and it closed its eyes. I couldn’t tell what it was doing, so I went ahead and ordered another attack.

“O-o-kay. Uhh, try a Future Sight attack!” I demanded, although with a little uncertainty. Neets closed her small, black, beady eyes. The two Pokemon sat there with their eyes closed, almost as if they were having some sort of twisted staring contest. Suddenly, Neets’s eyes flew open.

“NAA!” she screamed, her high-pitched voice echoing around. Hairman’s hands flung up to cover his hair, almost as if he was trying to protect it from the noise.

Suddenly, I saw what Neets was seeing. I saw Charlie, his bandana hanging noticeably around his neck, his ginger hair covering his ears and eyes. In his arms, he held a pink Pokemon. It looked very strange, but yet dopey at the same time. It was pink, with a tan snout and tiny black pupils in its white eyes. Its stubby legs hung limply at its side. A long tail sprouted from its backside, tipped with white at the end.

Charlie set the Pokemon on the ground, and my line of sight (well, Neets line of sight) turned to follow where Slowpoke was pointed. I could see Hairman, myself, and the two Pokemon, battling. It looked to be only a couple seconds in the future, but this would give me all that I needed. Suddenly, my view turned to Charlie, who closed his dark purple eyes, and placed his fingers on the side of his head. Slowpoke looked up, its pupils now changed from the usual black dot, to an exact replica of Charlie’s eyes.

I snapped back to the present. Looking at Seedot, I could see its eyes turn purple as well, and I knew exactly what Charlie was doing.

He was channeling rage into the two Pokemon, which meant that they would attack more violently and erratically than normal. This would turn out to be harder than I thought….
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Old 05-31-2008, 01:43 AM
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Default Re: Sibling Rivalry

“Hey! That’s the Pokemon that was stolen when my hair was assaulted!” Hairman yelled to me, victoriously pointing at the Slowpoke that hurried onto the scene.

Seedot suddenly gave an ear-splitting scream, and its body began to grow. Neets was stunned by this, hopping back with a little squeak. It certainly was an odd sight, seeing the small acorn grow to about twice its size, as a result of its Growth attack. Suddenly, it closed its eyes violently, and began to row at a rapid rate, soon becoming a monstrous Pokemon.

Now longer was it the diminutive acorn. It was now a huge acorn, at least 15 feet tall. Its large feet crushed the fountain in the small courtyard, spilling water everywhere. With a scream, Hairman fled into the gym, and I could hear him bolt the doors behind him. Thanks, Hairman.

Slowpoke gave an evil, almost human laugh. It began to breathe in and out very rapidly, facing Seedot. I knew instantly that it was trying to use a Psych Up attack. “Neets!” I yelled at the small bird who hopped around nervously, too afraid to do anything.

Suddenly, Slowpoke began bulging, and was soon about the size of Seedot, and was angry as well. Lifting up one of its enormous feet, it sluggishly smashed it down in the general direction of Neets. Neets fluttered out of the way of the fatal blow.

With fear, I looked at where it had crushed. The bricks were absolutely crushed by the sheer size of the blow. A small crater, about three feet across, and a foot deep was indented into the ground. Slowpoke continued to smash at the ground, but that didn’t direct my attention away form Seedot. It was beginning to grow red, a sign I recognized as it getting ready to use an Explosion attack, which would easily kill me, and Neets.

I began to panic. There wasn’t any place I could get to in time to be safe. Growth had powered it up, so was there any way I could take it out?

I clenched my eyes, thinking desperately of an answer. If I could swap its size…

My eyes shot open in realization. “Neets! Use Power Swap!” I ordered, urgency flooding my voice.

Neets closed her eyes, and a small beam of white light shot out of her, right into the Seedot. Neets began to grow larger, absorbing the Growths it had used, while Seedot shrunk as it lost its Growths, although it still glowed red. I laughed. I could almost imagine how angry Charlie was right now.

I watched Neets raise one of her now gigantic talons, and step on Seedot. When she lifted her foot back up, the small acorn’s top was only visible, as it was trapped in the ground. Neets turned to the Slowpoke and let out an angry noise. Above them helicopter’s rotors whirred. Slowpoke looked up, and shot a ring of water out at them. The helicopters, hit by the strong attack, whirled away into the distance.

“Neets! Don’t let its size get to you!” I yelled to my gigantic Natu who although large, was still about three-fourths of Slowpoke’s size. “Use an Ominous Wind attack!”

It suddenly grew cold as a strong wind blasted through, and into the town. I heard garbage dumpster’s lids flung open, and could see papers flying up into the air. Slowpoke let out a roar, and rammed Neets with its overlarge head. She staggered backwards, crushing the wooden fence beneath her talons.

Slowpoke went in for another attack, this time with its head sparkling as if it had fireworks strapped to its head. It rammed into Neets, and she fell onto her backside, crushing a small shed that was on the other side of the fence. I could hear whoever owned it screaming as the giant Natu crushed it, but at this point, I didn’t care.

Neets struggled to get up, and I could see another blow would be fatal to her. “Don’t give up! Neets, try to see what it’ll do first!” I ordered, hoping that the enormous bird would still listen to me, despite. She glanced down at me, and nodded. Slowpoke laughed, and began to glow with a magenta aura.

I instantly knew what the attack was before it even began. “Neets! Me First! Quickly!” I yelled, knowing that this would take Slowpoke down if it hit.

Neets’s eyes twinkled, and suddenly, it looked as if she had a magenta fire around her, blazing, angry with the dopey Pokemon. Slowpoke began to twitch, and crumpled up into a ball on the ground, shrinking back to its normal size, a subject of her cruel Psychic attack.

I smiled at Neets. “We did it! That’ll show Charlie not to mess with us!” I yelled triumphantly. Neets hopped around, shrinking in size just like Slowpoke.

As I looked down at the two Pokemon that lay crumpled on the ground, I thought about why I had battled them. I had to impress Hairman, right? What would impress him more than catching tow Pokemon, when I was only expected to catch one?

So, I grabbing an empty Pokeball from my pocket, and Hairman’s old Pokeball, I flung the two red and white spheres at the acorn that was embedded in the ground, and the small pink Pokemon who was very scared.

They entered the Pokeballs in unison, and landed neatly on the ground. I hoped that Charlie was feeling really bad right now, as after trying to sabotage my chances of getting the gym, he hand ended up helping them.

They shook once, then once more, and I crossed my fingers, waiting for the final ding.


For: Slowpoke and Seedot
Level and Length: Medium and Simple (15k-30k)
Characters: 23,300

Ready for Grading!

Oh, and Bryce claimed this. ;D

Oh, and anyone who tells me what Hairman references gets a cookie.
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Old 05-31-2008, 04:16 AM
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Please don't tell me Hairman is me. =[

Story/Plot: Sabrina, leader of the Saffron Gym, has fallen ill, and her four children must compete to see who should be the rightful new leader. Libby, the youngest, and whom the mother seems to always favor, is transformed into a doll by her spiteful siblings in an effort to prevent her from competing. She gets help form her mother’s Kadabra, and, after delving into various flashbacks that help her to learn more about the conspiracy, Libby battles a Seedot and Slowpoke in order to show that she can pass the first test.

I loved this plot since the first time we discussed it over AIM. The concept of siblings conspiring against the youngest, who only has good intentions, is intriguing, and I liked how you incorporated many scenes of flashbacks in order to further the story.

However, it was quite confusing in many parts. Having to continuously switch from “the me that is in the flashback” and “the me that is watching the scene happen” really could divert the reader’s attention from the actual tale as they struggle to remember whose point of view they are seeing the story from.

Also, I don’t feel like you dwelled enough on the relationships of the characters in the tale. Perhaps you could have shown some instances in which Libby was favored over the others in order to show why their hatred was justified. Also, I don’t think you put enough emphasis on the mother. It seemed like you sort of rushed through the parts that incorporated her, and I think that the children would care more that their mother was dying than was shown.

Introduction: It starts off with Libby in the form of the doll struggling to free herself from that prison. She is trying to find some way to reverse the effect, and is instead transported into a flashback of hers, which helps give insight as to why her siblings did this to her.

I really, really disliked how you did this. Sure, it was clever to start out with her being in a predicament and all, but the lack of description of how it felt to be in the body of a doll really made it lack in effect to me. It felt like you were telling it all matter-o-factly, as though she were not in a dire situation, but rather that she was just telling the instance to a friend.

I don’t know… The mood simply didn’t fit what I was reading.

Spelling/Grammar: You had quite a few errors. Most of them looked to be just careless mistakes, so I won’t quote them… Instead, here are some others that I saw frequently.

Quote:
My eyes stared blankly at the ceiling, unmoving, as I was unable to move neither my body, nor any other muscle in my body.
Here, we have not a double negative… But a triple negative. Only one of the following: (unable, neither, nor) may exist in that sentence… So choose one & stick with it.

Quote:
She was propped up with a couple big, white pillows, her black hair billowing out to the sides.
Normally, when you have two or more adjectives in front of a noun, you would separate them with commas…. But that doesn’t apply when one of them is a color, so the comma between “big” and “white” is unneeded.

Quote:
In the middle of the room was a large square table, which was positioned perfectly in the center of the room.
This sentence seems a bit redundant. You already state that the table is in the center of the room… So the part about being positioned perfectly in the center is unnecessary.

Quote:
One had green shingles, another had tan siding, etc.
That is terribly unprofessional. You never want it to seem as though you are creating a list… But rather stay in character and describe everything thoroughly… The word “etc.” should never appear in a regular tale.

Length: Nicely done.

Description/Detail: This was nice. You know how to paint a picture for the reader, and with every new environment that the characters enter, you make sure to give a vivid description of it.

However, the way that you told of the characters really was lacking. First of, you never even tell how old Libby is, nor any particular physical traits that she harbors rather than just that she has brown hair. It is all too often that I see writers only tell a character’s height, eye color, and hair color… You need to get very personal with each character… This goes the same for Charlie, Mandy, and Harvey. How old were each of the people, as well?

Also, the attacks in the battle were rather…. Poor as well. I could see a lot more happening with it. Please don’t skimp on their descriptions just because you are nearing the end of the story… You want to go out with a bang.

Battle: This was rather short to me. You could have had each Pokemon performing a couple more attacks, but it was still good nonetheless. It was quite interesting how you interpreted the attack Growth, having each Pokemon grow to over ten times their natural size.

I thought of Godzilla for some reason, while reading that. Hah. x]

Having Charlie inhabit the Slowpoke also gave the battle a bit of zest and twistiness… You certainly didn’t want to make this just an orthodox and customary battle, but rather to break the chains, and that’s what you did.

Nice work. =]

Outcome: Everything was mostly in your favor here. You should work a bit on your grammar and word usage, as well as developing the relationships between each of your characters. Other than that, I must commend you on everything else. You aren’t a member of the CUA for nothing, my friend. Slowpoke and Seedot Captured! I can really see you continuing this, so I am looking forward to it.
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