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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 06-15-2008, 07:42 AM
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Default Shirley

Yes, this was my entry for Week Two of the WAR Fanfiction. I figured that I could convert it into a URPG capture or two, so that's what I did here. I hope it makes sense to you. :D

__________

Shirley.



“We’ve arrived, Ms. Svetlana.”

The driver’s voice acted as a rope to my consciousness; the simple acknowledgement reeled me away from the pivotal point of a stupor to once again thrive in the recognition of my surroundings. The ethnic man, donning a ridiculous cap inscribed with the emblem of my estate, leaned over the seat, surveying me with glazed eyes. It was obvious that my trip from cognizance was entirely conspicuous to him, yet it was equally apparent that he paid no mind to it.

“Oh,” I chirped, fumbling with the handbag in my lap, “Yes, thank you, Victor.” There was no complex gratitude behind my words. In fact, I was barely aware that they had pried themselves from my lips at all, for it was such an innate response toward one that had done a deed under my request.

In a synchronized movement, I threw open the door and slid my stocking-swathed calves from the leather interior of the limousine. High-heels met the corroded sidewalk as I slipped from the inside of the vehicle, relishing in the delicate breeze that fought in vain to break the clasps on my coat. Early spring had yet to bring the blazing temperatures known in Goldenrod, so such apparel wasn’t deemed inappropriate just yet.

I gazed toward the building that we had arrived upon. Comprised of unmarred soft gray marble and supported on all sides by columns plastered with intricate carvings portraying angelic figures, the structure was impressive in both mass and beauty. An expanse of stairs impeded the sidewalk, and I quickly mounted them, neglecting the handrail, for only Mew knew what infected simpleton had laid their diseased tentacle of a hand upon it over the years.

The National Bank of Johto.

The name alone brought a sense of prestige washing over me as I climbed the final steps, inspecting the golden lettering sprawled above the door. Said to house the largest collection of funds in not only the region, but perhaps the world, this had to be one of the most significant buildings in operation. Millions buzzed to and from this place on at least some occasion during their bleak and meaningless day, and already I could see a line winding toward the door.

You’re close.

The hiss broke my examination of the bank, and as a precaution I swiveled about. However, as always, there stood no individual leaning over my shoulder, whispering these words into my ear. They spawned from an internal source, and this was certainly not the first time in which they had invaded my thoughts.

Just a bit further. You know what to do.

It was unknown even to me whether the voice was male or female, for the sentences it spoke were pronounced in such a whisper that such information was unattainable.

I froze.

By now I knew not to fight the messages it spoke. I knew not to throw myself headlong against a wall in an effort to shake the voice loose, not to wrench at my hair and face in a foolish attempt to free myself from its grasp. The bruises were evidence to this. Yet the voice remained.

It would be senseless of me to take a guess at how long I had harbored such an entity. Ever since being crowned the Pokemon League Champion, I would suppose. At first, I had considered it to be just another commodity to pass along, such as the trophy and title that had been bestowed upon me eight months ago. It had actually been a belief of mine that these daft thoughts had plagued the former champions. In all my twenty-six years, I had never considered myself to be a naivete, that is, until such a theory claimed my mind. But, as such, the voice had dispelled that speculation upon its latest entrance.

Each morning I would awake, blissfully ignorant of its presence, until it would strike with a dreadful command, differing every time. The initial task that it had demanded of me was nothing more than to scorn a servant of mine, which I did with bitter ease. Most, following that, were just frequent, trivial labors as such… A minor theft here, an undeserved lashing of one of my Pokemon there, nothing more than insignificant measures.

I had grown so accustomed to petty occurrences such as those that today’s assignment shocked me to a point where I could barely stand upright. To say that I was completely caught off guard would be a falsehood, for there had always been a lingering expectance of such a request.

Drifting from my inner scrutiny, I found myself amazed that this voice could conjure up the ability within myself to completely disregard whatever action I happened to be performing to stop and delve into deep thought. I had managed to make it to the sliding glass doors, and watched in distant embarrassment as the inhabitants of the bank shot disdainful and inquisitive looks in my direction. Clearly my turquoise fedora draped in a black velvet ribbon and high-collared merino jacket hid my identity to such a point where these citizens couldn’t even distinguish their own champion. Strangely, it was reassuring.

Hurrying inside, the scent of stale coffee and city dwellers washed over me. It wasn’t the most appealing of combinations. Pausing briefly, I attempted to locate the cash counter among the milling and shuffling crowd, which seemed intent upon blocking my vision. The chamber was vast enough to house two football fields, yet these people found it necessary to cluster within the inner reaches of the room. It was just another mystery of human nature, I supposed.

When I had, at last, located the nearest counter, I breezed over to it, casually nudging aside those that acted as hindrances, only to earn a couple cries of protest. These, I shrugged off, finally making it to the front of the winding line. In order to earn my place as the lead customer, I found it necessary to flash the current holder of the position, an Asian businessman, a dazzling smile and twirl a lock of my shoulder-length honey-shaded hair. An instance in which my charm had not yielded in me getting what I wanted had yet to present itself, and as customary, the man scooted back a few feet, allowing me to step in front of him.

“Yes, how may I help you?” the rather toad-like bank teller asked, the monotonous tone of her words failing to give me the impression that she enjoyed this profession. Dingy coils of graying almond hung around her eyes, which drooped as though belonging to a basset hound. A dark, bulbous mole stood prominently against the backdrop of peach that was her upper lip, and I cringed at the sight of the grapevine-patterned dress that she had barely managed to squeeze her corpulent frame into.

Do it.

My analysis of the lady’s appearance was cut short by the returning hiss, and in the faintest hope that the voice had come from somewhere other than my mind, I bent over the mahogany desk and muttered, “Excuse me?”

It was obvious that she had, in fact, not been the source of such a noise, for the elderly woman, whose nametag dubbed her “Shirley”, sighed and repeated, rather irritatingly, ”Yes, how may I help you?”

My hopes dashed, I proceeded to continue with what I had come to do. “Oh. Yes… Well, you see…-“

Quit stalling. Do it now.

And with that, my hand came rocketing from within the confines of my coat pocket, a red and opaque sphere within the steel grip. I made no attempt to make the action seem inconspicuous, and tossed the Pokéball to my right, into a group of chattering businesspeople, who quickly scattered at the sight of the reeling, flashing orb.

“Where’s your safe?” I inquired of Shirley, endeavoring to confer a threatening note to my words. Boggled eyes greeted me, quite unlike the sleep-drowned ones she had donned only seconds earlier. Her lips trembled in what I took to be progressing speech, but the blinding flash of the opening Pokéball obstructed my further vision.

When the brilliant glare and dancing spots cleared, a monstrous entity rose up from the spot that had just previously harbored a teetering Pokéball. Rust-iron coated shoulders emerged from the splintering light to tower above the gaping crowd. The nose-tickling tang of dust cantered from the creature, and with a deafening roar, the Rhyperior propelled the desk into the air, where it twirled, almost magically, for a brief moment, then fell to the floor in an almighty crash. Bellows and shrieks of horror clogged the air, but I disregarded such acts of weakness and clambered over Shirley’s desk, snatching at the lapels of her suit.
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Old 06-15-2008, 07:44 AM
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Default Re: Shirley.

“Tell me where the damned safe is!” I screeched into her panic-stricken face, knowing that the arrival of my Rhyperior would reinforce the ideal that she had better not lie. My sparkling green eyes bore into hers, and I could only guess that from her perspective, they were anything but comely. Beauty can become a deadly thing when tainted with rage, and at the moment, I was verging on lethal.

“It- It’s behind me,” she stammered, her face abnormally calm for such a situation. It was only then that I became aware of the strain in her forearms and the continuous nodding of her head. Glancing down, I could see Shirley pressing away at a hidden button on the underside of the desk, a silent alarm no doubt.

Infused with a fury unlike any I had felt wash through my body before, I struck her a forceful blow across the cheek, which sent her tumbling from her seat. Then, paying no mind to whatever injury I had bestowed, I leaped to the ground on the opposite side of the wooden structure, listening to the low rumble that spawned from Rhyperior following in my wake. It took but seconds to locate the safe, for with its glistening steel doors and various sets of keypads adorning all sides, it wasn’t hard to locate.

“Rhyperior, Horn Drill.”

On command, the Pokémon hastened to my side and took a sturdy stance before thrusting the most prominent and serrated of its horns into the dead center of the door. The grinding, screeching sound that sprang from such an act extended to all reaches of the room, and every person, in their effort to evacuate the building, fell to their knees in agony. Hands were thrown to defend ears, and I grinned at their pain…

What was wrong with me?

When the shrill rasping noise gave way to that of an incessant, dull thudding, I concluded that Rhyperior had successfully breached the initial layer of the safe’s defenses, and thus called another dictation.

“Hammer Arm!”

Just as the Rhyperior tottered to the extent of his toes, in order to get the maximum leverage with which to deliver the attack, a sequence of shouting and barking encroached the scene. Turning to face the mob of terrified customers and workers, I could view the flashing blue lights and a succession of uniform-clad men rushing toward the doors, guns drawn, steely expressions marking their faces.

I couldn’t allow them to enter. After all, I had come this far, and I knew that if they were to get within the building that all hopes of pulling this stint off would be dashed. I would fail the voice, and only Mew knew what consequences my psyche would face then.

“Rhyperior, use Earthquake instead! Hurry!”

Interrupted from his previous attack, the Drill Pokemon threw himself upon the floor, proceeding to bash at the gleaming tiled ground with dull fists. The tremor following that zipped across the entire bank, uprooting every tile, tossing people, as though rag dolls, into the walls and each other, and activating the building’s defenses. As planned, the metal sheathes used as protection at night cascaded from the ceiling, shielding the door from any intruder, yet another thing that I had not accounted for was the inducement of the sprinkler system.

The spickets mounted atop the ceiling initiated, sending a shower of water cascading down upon every inch of the bank. Not but twenty seconds passed before every individual and implement in the place was soaked to its very core, and I realized, with an unnerving shudder, that this would do nothing to help the cause of my Rhyperior.

Content with my strategy of keeping the police out, I turned back to my operation, leaving the captive citizens to snivel amongst themselves. After all, they were no threat. Or so I had thought.

Sodden with the continuing sprinkle of water, my hat toppled from its spot upon my head, exposing my glimmering locks, which had yet to be drenched. That is, until a potent blast of liquid plowed into my back, pitching me into the wall, from where I gasped and sputtered for breath. Blinded by the mist that hung low to the ground from the sprinklers, I could barely make out my Rhyperior being buffeted by the burst, his limbs flailing in apparent pain.

Confused by this occurrence, I glanced back toward the door, expecting to see a police officer standing with his trusted Swampert, who somehow had gotten past the doors. Yet my expectations of a burly and powerful man fizzled out when I saw the person that dared challenge me. Stout and portly, her face drawn back in a sneer, Shirley stood, hands out around her, calling another command to the Quagsire at her left.

Had I not suddenly been overcome with a fit of laughter at the notion of her believing that she could defeat me, I could have easily avoided the second rendition of the Muddy Water attack. However, blinded my own incredulity, I was unable to rid myself of the Water Fish Pokémon’s path as it galloped forward, a swell of brackish liquid cascading over it. It struck me head on, and I was once again thrown mercilessly back into my Rhyperior, who shrank to the floor, suffering a perpetuity of distressing spasms.

“Enough!” I roared, regaining my stance with difficulty. “Rhyperior, Take Down!”

The rhinoceros-like creature, delayed by his flooded skin, threw himself forward, grunts and snorts fluttering up from his lungs. Then, just as he neared the bulbous azure Quagsire, he reared to his fullest stance.

It was at this moment that I heard Shirley speak again, her monotonous tone lost to that of a stern, passionate pitch. “Counter.”

My scream of protest was caught in my throat, and stricken with the need to prevent my Pokémon from concluding the attack, I stumbled forward. But, alas, it was too late.

The Rhyperior tackled its unharmed adversary with unrivaled force, plowing the creature into the floor with a grinding clunk. However, the Quagsire reacquired its footing far too quick for the Drill Pokémon, and thus was allowed to lift the ponderous beast from the ground, a feat unknown to any Pokémon ever before, and slam him back to the floor with a thunderous boom.

I choked back a wail and watched through a tear-clogged vision as the iron padding on his shoulders fractured, his various horns shattered, and the aura of life drained from him.

You idiot. That’s it. It’s all over. You’re done for.

I made no effort to escape. It would just have been in vain. There was no mistaking the clatter as the doors were thrown open, nor the pattering footsteps as the police entered the bank. I was barely mindful of their presence as they surrounded me, shotguns thrust against my head, nor as my wrists were bound and my body lifted and shoved in some unknown direction.

How I had been beaten, in this untraditional sense, by a lady thrice that of my age, was unknown. I knew not why my tactics failed me, nor why I made no effort to call out another Pokémon. Surely my team of impregnable creatures could overcome even the strongest of these officers.

Nothing else existed to me now other than the deepest ire I had for that wretch that had defeated me. That hideous creature with whom I had no connection, but whose face alone could now provoke the deepest hate within me. That horrible, terrible, monstrous, evil, putrid, vapid creature.

That…

That…

Shirley.
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Old 06-15-2008, 07:46 AM
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__________

A shadow shifted groggily beneath me as I hurried to my desk, the dim light causing its movements to trace the tiles sluggishly. My footsteps were quick and light, a mere pattering against the reflective white floor; the booming echoes of even these minor noises made me uneasy. But then again, I had always been wary when alone in this bank. Not just because of last week’s befuddling incident, but always.

The phone that I clasped to my ear felt extraordinarily heavy for its size. The sounds it was emitting, those choppy syllables, cut through the air as though an axe cleaving a stump. Most of the words went unnoticed by me in my rush to gather my belongings, but I caught the end of the message.

“… Dinner will be ready by the time you get home. And please, Shirley, drive safe.”

It seemed as though my husband wasn’t keen to wait for my response; the subsequent sharp click and resounding dial tone were an indication of this. I sighed, allowing the stress of the past few days to pour from my lungs. All of the interviews, the court preceding, the media, all of it resulted in not only wasted time on my behalf, but an insurmountable tension to build within both my body and psyche. I mean, how much is there to say about the Pokemon League Champion barging in and demanding the cash from the safe? And the fact that I stepped up when none of my employees had the balls to take her on and defend the bank all of a sudden made me the century’s hero? I wouldn’t call it being a hero. I would refer to it as basic human courtesy.

I guess that’s the problem with today’s society. Courtesy is scarce, and when it is displayed, as in last week’s circumstances, it is blown up to be seen by the public as “valiant” and “gallant”, as the newspapers had made me out to be lately. As cliché as it may have seemed to those reporters, my response of “things weren’t like this in my day” was brimming with the utmost truth. That was the only genuine thing that they had printed that day.

I clutched my purse to my breast, relishing in the only recently realized fact that this was the only moment of peace I’d had in that time. Though the silence was daunting in a place such as this, I said a silent thank you to the bank’s manager for allowing me to lock up tonight. I really needed this quiet.

I shuffled toward the expanse of bulletproof glass that served as the entire front wall of the bank, its glass sectioned off in individual panes, as to prevent total failure if something were to issue even the tiniest crack. Most were still intact, yet in passing, I surveyed a few whose panes were chipped and water-damaged, and a chill passed through me at the recollection of the sprinklers. They had fried every last computer in the joint, yet it wasn’t surprising in the least to come in the next morning to find the entire bank furnished with new appliances and devices. After all, this was the renown National Bank of Johto.

The sliding glass doors parted easily before me to allow access to the night air, which immediately coated me with the heavy tendrils of humid stickiness. A powerful storm had passed through the area just this morning and when merged with the dense layers of smog hovering, as though a guardian, above the city, nobody knew what weather we could expect on the ground-level.

I quickly rid myself of the woolen sweater to which I had been confined, ignoring the way my bosom flopped against my belly. Sure, I knew I wasn’t in shape the way I had been in earlier years, yet I still didn’t need to see evidence of it. That was precisely the reason my hair, although marred by white streaks currently, was constantly dyed a comfortable almond color. I didn’t hate the way I looked, but time surely was a bit too cruel in my case.

The echo that resulted from my footsteps in this environment were quite tame in comparison to the way they had thundered within the empty bank, and it was quite reassuring. I was focused on nothing other than my Honda Civic, however, whose bumper was perceptible just around the corner of the building. I would have to venture through a ten-meter stretch of darkness, though, in order to reach it, and submerging myself within its coolness, I cursed the builders of this structure. Whose bright idea was it to omit a street light right here?

A tingle zipped down my spine as I stumbled through the darkness, the reflective rear of my vehicle acting as a beacon. Sure, I had assured my children that there was nothing to fear in the dark when they had been young, and the fear I felt right now confirmed the suspicion that I was, indeed, a hypocrite. However, this alarm was unfounded, for I knew that I wouldn’t encounter anything that didn’t exist in the daytime. Yet, and I realized this just as the creatures stalked in front of my path, what about the dangers that lurked in both times of the day?

I muffled the surprised “Oh!” that sprang to my lips with the aid of my hand and cautiously took a step backward. The two animals had surely seen me, but knowing I intended no threat, perhaps they would leave me be. I moved back further, gripping the marble wall as though it could save me from these things.

The first Growlithe, however, matched that step, and in the span of two seconds was within a meter of me. My heart hammered in my chest, each beat bestowing a distressing thud to my ribcage. The sight of its bared yellow fangs and disheveled, soiled coat made my knees tremble, which was not entirely healthy for a woman of my age, let alone a martyr of arthritis.

Its breath steamed out into the already uncomfortable air, and the succeeding stench was putrid, making my stomach collapse upon itself in utter disgust. The Pokemon’s paws padded delicately beneath every gait as it pursued me in my backward voyage step by step. Its eyes, which had by now narrowed fiendishly, and sunken in abdomen suggested that this creature meant me no peace, and my heart throbbed even more violently.

I inched ever onward, sliding my hand as inconspicuously as possible into the folds of my pocket. My fingers met the cool exterior of a single Pokeball, and I laid them upon it for a second, momentarily appreciating the cold metal, for the rest of me was sweating unbelievably.

A low growl rumbled from the Puppy Pokemon’s throat, causing the ensnarled creamy mane that trailed low beneath its neck to shiver. This noise seemed to attract its companion, for in but a moment’s breadth, a second Growlithe scampered to its side, a snarl mounting her lips.

Synchronized in movement now, I realized that this encounter had been transformed into a game. They were waiting on who would make the first move, and unfortunately for them, I wasn’t about to sit back and allow these two that privilege.

I whipped my arm out just as the male sprang, and catapulted the Pokeball into his chest. A fissure snaked down its side, light seeping out into the dead night air, before exploding with a dazzling flash. I didn’t know whether it had been the sheer force of my throw or the eruption of light that caused the beast to pounce backward, and I didn’t care.

The only thing that mattered now was the materializing figure that was crouched in the dead center of these mongrels and me. A sturdy three feet, the Loudred easily towered above the pair, and paired with the massive round appendages that reached out from its head, the Pokemon was intimidating to say the least. He was trained not to look around and examine his surroundings, for my Loudred knew that I would only call him out in a dire situation, and thus would need to focus on the fight at hand, nothing else.
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Old 06-15-2008, 08:12 AM
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“Loudred, Pound!”

With surprising speed, the Big Voice Pokemon launched himself off in the direction of his two opponents, fist held high above his head. He spanned the gap quickly before releasing a clenched hand upon the nearest Growlithe’s skull. His female companion, upon hearing the depressed whine that squeezed itself from the other’s lungs, threw herself into the air, teeth glinting in the low light. Her jaw closed forcefully around Loudred’s bicep, earning a booming howl from him.

Latched onto his arm via the Bite attack, the Growlithe endured being thrown about as Loudred flailed his arms wildly. Her growling didn’t cease even as he plucked her, rather painfully, it seemed, from her position using his free arm, and threw her to the floor.

He was allowed but a moment to catch his breath before being bombarded from the rear by a wisp of fire in the form of a Flame Wheel attack by the larger of the two Puppy Pokemon. It illuminated the entire alley, dispelling the shadows and causing every crevice to become visible. It curled up Loudred’s spine, crisping the deep lavender fur into a charcoal black. The smoldering hairs carried with them an unbearable stench, which unluckily was whisked in my direction by an awry gust of wind.

“Use Stomp now!” My voice was hoarse, and I had to hold myself back from lunging in to protect my Pokemon. Two on two was definitely not fair, and if this continued any longer, I would have to change that.

Complying with my command, the large Pokemon, which had, now that the Flame Wheel had diminished, become nothing more than a disfigured silhouette, swiveled about. This attack was to be directed at the female, and once he had located her cowering in the corner, licking her wounds, Loudred forced his leg downward, her flank directly beneath his foot. A distant crack fizzled into the air after the sharp movement, followed by an ear-splitting howl from the Growlithe. It carried sorrow and agony, and for a moment I almost felt sorry for the injured creature. Almost.

Then, enacting the same strategy that the two had used previously, the male Growlithe spread its jaws as wide as possible, a feat that deserved the slightest recognition, and issued a potent blast of flames upon my Loudred’s backside. The Flamethrower soared, as though a meandering serpent, into the sky before falling, delicately, but harboring an incomparable vigor, upon the lavender Pokemon.

This particular Loudred was not omitted from the excruciatingly tumultuous voice known to the species and thus delivered the most ear-piercing bellow I’d ever had the misfortune to endure. I didn’t know if this was just a simple screech resulting from pain or a Hyper Voice attack, but whichever it was, the noise tossed both Growlithe mightily into the marble wall and knocked me onto my behind. I briskly threw my hands to my ears and watched as the very air vibrated with the energy of the move. Each wave battered the mangy mutts, but I was fortunate enough to have been pushed a sufficient distance away to avoid any damage.

Even sheathed by my hands, my eardrums pulsed within my head, pain searing through my skull. Tears sprang to my eyes, and no thought existed in my mind other than to stop my Loudred. My previously clenched eyelids ripped themselves from their pair’s company, and I witnessed the bulletproof glass fluctuating within its frame. Had it been constituted of any other material, it surely would have ruptured by now, and that was a scary fact.

I teetered to my feet, the continuous hoot of my comrade pressing on me like a hundred pounds and managed to cry, just loud enough to break the constant scream, “Supersonic, then Pound, go!”
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Old 06-15-2008, 08:13 AM
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Default Re: Shirley.

Perturbed from his squealing by my voice, the Loudred refrained from the act only to propel himself back toward the two, albeit a bit more slowly now, and curled his lips into an “O”. Unlike the last attack, the shriek that blared from his mouth this time was much too high-pitched for my ears to detect, but it seemed to be acting wonders on the our opponents.

But when granted a chance for retaliation, the tiger-marked puppies floundered toward him, their movements faltering as though inebriated. The depraved look still existed in their facial expressions, yet their bodies didn’t seem to be complying with their minds’ orders to pounce and assault the Big Voice Pokemon. Instead, the male Growlithe, obviously perplexed, leaped upon his partner Pokemon and proceeded to gnaw at her face and neck, using a Crunch attack. She whined and groaned, but apparently it had no effect on her mate, for he continued to munch away at her flesh. A crimson liquid trickled from the wounds he was inflicting and matted her already revolting pelt.

“Now… Do it.” I said, indicating that he should finish off the set of attacks.

Loudred didn’t let me down. Effortlessly, he crept up to the struggling pair and, using two claws, which was uncommon for such an attack, bashed in the head of the male Growlithe. His fist connected directly with his sagging ear, compelling the creature from the top of the female to stagger momentarily before crashing down against the wooden fence that comprised the second wall of the alley.

“Okay, now finish off the other with Brick Break,” I spoke calmly, for it didn’t seem as though we were in any danger any longer. I kept my eyes on the battle, though, for there was no telling what could happen. This week had been weird thus far, so I was expectant of any further surprises.

As Loudred, battered and bruised no less than the Growlithe, turned to deliver the finishing blow, the remaining Puppy Pokemon tackled him, her mouth aglow with the presence of fire. I anticipated her to perform the customary Flamethrower that was to known to the species and was surprised when her teeth secured themselves to Loudred’s neck and flames began to lick out from her mouth at the same time.

The longer that the Fire Fang attack inflicted Loudred, the faster his health would be sapped, and I knew that I had to stop it. Teeth clamped, as to not let loose another shout, Loudred lifted his hand once more, shaking with severe pangs now, and released it in a Brick Break upon the canine.

It had an instant effect.

As though a sack of straw, the female dropped from his neck; the fire within her jaws ceased its tumbling, and she fell still, obviously defeated. A peaceful expression claimed her face.

My lips quivered open in impending celebration, but snapped shut when I noticed the brilliant flames at the opposite end of the alley, their billowing tips illuminating everything in sight. I had to lift my hand to block the glare in order to see, but by that time, the speeding bullet had already reached Loudred.

Engulfed in a sweltering inferno, it seemed as though the male Growlithe had felt it necessary to perform a final Flare Blitz before succumbing to unconsciousness. He plowed into the Big Voice Pokemon, and even hindered by the excessive weight of the added animal continued to gallop until his feet gave way beneath his torso and he collapsed just a few feet away.

Vines of smoke curled up from his body, as well as from the knocked out bulk of Loudred, whose face was twisted upward in a scowl that was both comical and heartbreaking. To stand among these lifeless animals, being the only one that could sense anything whatsoever at the moment was humbling, but I knew that the longer they stayed in this state, the more lasting damage would be done to them.

Just before dropping Loudred’s respective Pokeball upon him, I sauntered over to where both Growlithe lay and cast a sphere upon each. The resulting wisps of red light that each was metamorphosed into were lazy and labored, and I feared that they didn’t have enough lasting energy to even get within the orb. But that anxiety was put to rest the moment they were slurped inside and the subsequent flashing began.

Why I was attempting to capture the two mutts that had tried to attack me, I had to no clue. But after all, this whole week was full of weird things, now, wasn’t it?
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Old 06-15-2008, 08:17 AM
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Default Re: Shirley.

Quote:
Number of Characters Needed: 20,000
Number of Characters Contained: 31,318

Attempting to Capture: Growlithe and Growlithe

Other Comments: Yes, this was quite a random capture, but whatever. I apologize for the two short posts at the end, but the Reply box was lagging majorly with large pieces of text, so I had to shorten each.

Reserved For: PhantomKat7 <3
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  #7  
Old 06-15-2008, 06:56 PM
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Default Re: Shirley

I know, when the Reply boxes lag, I’m this close to just forgetting about posting. >.>

Plot: The Pokemon League Champion, egged on by a voice she had in her head ever since she was crowned Champion, walks into the National Bank of Johto to rob it. As her Rhyperior is causing damage and scaring the civilians, she attempts to steal the money. However, she is stopped by Shirley, the old bank teller she had talked to moments ago. In a harsh battle, her Rhyperior is defeated and she is taken into custody, all the whole cursing Shirley. We then jump to Shirley later on, who is thinking that it wasn’t bravery that had allowed her to apprehend the Champion but simple human courtesy that no other employee had displayed. As she is walking to her, the nigh and darkness a bit scary to her, she is assaulted by two Growlithe. When they show no peace, she sends out her Loudred and battles them.

Okay, like I said earlier, the whole plot was awesome. While many people, including myself, wrote about the Champion as a confident person who was challenged by a normal trainer, you took the prompt and wrote about it in a perspective I would have never thought of. Really, it’s hard to imagine such an important person as the Champion attempting to steal money from a bank only to be stopped by a bank teller. The second part you added, although not as exciting, goes more in depth with his Shirley which is pretty cool because I thought of her as a cocky woman who was not what she seems. To sum it up, despite the fact that it wasn’t so action-packed with murder and blood and all, the originality along with the characters satisfied me and made this an enjoyable read.

Introduction: It was deceiving, that about sums it up. You led us to believe that this was just another wealthy Champion going to the National Bank of Johto for who knows what, and then, BAM!, we find out she has this voice inside who is “making” her rob the bank. Quite a hook, I like it. Besides that, you also described some of her looks which was good because I didn’t have to wonder as to what she looked like.

Grammar/Spelling: You make my job difficult. On top of using words I have to look up, I can barely find a mistake or two. I did find some typos and the likes, which I will show them to you ‘cause I can:

Quote:
Unlike the last attack, the shriek that blared from his mouth this time was much too high-pitched for my ears to detect, but it seemed to be acting wonders on the our opponents.
Yeah, one of those words has to go. ;)

Quote:
“Now… Do it.” I said, indicating that he should finish off the set of attacks.
Should be a comma.

Quote:
“Okay, now finish off the other with Brick Break,” I spoke calmly, for it didn’t seem as though we were in any danger any longer.
Not a grammar mistake, but I think you should replace one of the “any” with another word so that the sentence doesn’t sound a bit repetitive.

Length: Right in the middle, no problems here. ;)

Description/Detail: I would say this section is tied with the “Grammar/Spelling” section as you’re best. I could see the Champion, Shirley, the Pokemon, the attacks, and the surroundings. You also have a real knack for the details; event the smallest things like Shirley’s mole (eww xD) was clearly seen without making it seem like a tedious fact or something you just decided to add it to up your character count. I do think you should elaborate on the Pokemon’s descriptions, though, a little more detail as to what they look like. However, that’s just me nitpicking because you already have this section down pact.

Battle: I was actually surprised this was as lengthy as it was because I thought: 1) Shirley was going to use her Quagsire, and 2) I thought she was absolutely going to dominate the dogs after showing she can take down the Champion. The battle was perfect for the puppies. I was glad to see that both of them equally battles rather than one doing all the battling while the other was quickly taken down by Loudred. The attacks were well described and so were the Pokemon’s reactions to the pain, something that most people forget to put. I would have liked for the surroundings to play a part in the battle like the sprinklers in the earlier battle, so keep that in mind for next time.

Battle: Really, was there any doubt? Growlithe and Growlithe captured! I’m glad you decided to add to the one-shot, and have fun with your new Pokemon! =)

- Kat
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  #8  
Old 06-15-2008, 07:09 PM
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Default Re: Shirley

Wow. That was seriously quick.

Thanks sooo much, Kat! Yayz!

I actually felt like I was ruining the entire story by adding on a whole 'nother half, but hey, I guess it worked. x]

& I thought that my battle was really lacking compared to the whole rest of it, since I wrote the second half at 2:00 am in one sitting as I did with the first. xD

Woot Woot!

Thanks, again. I heart you x10 <33333 lol.
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