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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 08-21-2008, 04:55 AM
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Default Six World Leaders- Seventy Two Hours

Autohoress's Note: This fan-fiction is a...work of fiction. -Insert disclaimers here- Any resemblance of characters, places, etc is purely coincidental. The first chapter is more of a prologue- It’s going to be much longer when I start the actual story itself.

Also, there will be mild sexual or violent references, just so you know.

------------------------------------------------

Six World Leaders, Seventy Two Hours

Sunday Morning: 7:00 Hours

Debbie Fields lay back in her sofa as she read the Daily Post.

“Same old news," she muttered to herself, as she thumbed through the newspaper disinterestedly. "A bunch of people dying here, an assassin going berserk there..oh geez,” she sighed, as she kept the newspaper down and scratched her pet Skitty on its head, who purred.

Suddenly, both of them jumped as the phone rang shrilly.

“Who could it be so early in the morning?” she yawned, and glanced at the number.

555-BETS

Debbie hesitated for a moment, glancing at her reflection in the mirror, wondering why her Chief was calling now. Was it because of the incompetence in her last mission?

Normally, Debbie’s an average, university student, dating guys, leading life as any student of her age would do. Her father was a well respected Financier, her mom being involved in Medicine, and she was more interested in following her father’s footsteps, once divorce loomed around the corner. After all, her father was richer than her mother, and offered her the freedom that she wanted.

Her mom would be stunned to learn what she was, and would kill herself, or her daughter then and there, if she knew what her daughter was…

Queen Hawk, assassin, dangerous player in the favorite game of organized crime.

Looking from outside, she was a blonde haired, cute, sweet, gentle blue eyed girl, who spent her free time at pet shelters, among a load of other things she used as dust to blind everyone.

But behind the scenes, she was a ruthless terrorist, working overtime. Her favorite game was taking revenge on those who especially annoyed her, whenever she could find some spare time to do that.

One of her recent missions involved setting a spring of traps in a city of Kanto. The terrorists had made a deal with the government. One Billion Dollars in Twenty Four Hours; or else.

No go.

Too bad for them, the parents of the children in the six buses that went on a picnic. She just blew the convoy up, once they started to cross a bridge. Incidentally, not even one child survived. As for the parents and the rest of the populace, they condemned the government forever, and the media splattered the government and the government’s name became mud.

Ever since then, they were more eager for negotiations. Debbie was considered a heroine in the underworld.

Debbie sighed and picked up the phone. “Yes, Debbie speaking.”

“You took your while,” the voice on the other end of the phone replied. It was a flat voice. Not a trace of accent, drawl, slang, or anything. It was a clear cut voice, low, cold- yet it held some sort of robotic, yet humanly deadliness and coldness in it.

“Sorry sir,” replied Debbie.

“You are being assigned a new mission,” her chief replied. “Have you seen today’s papers? I am specifically talking about the front page in particular,” he added.

“The negotiations meet about some nuclear disarmament by the premiers of all the countries?” Debbie asked, trying to stifle a yawn.

“Yes,” he replied, without a hint of emotion. “Read the names of the big shots attending the meet.”

Aloys Lambert- Prime Minister of the Orange Islands

Victor Williams – President of Hoenn

Karl Brunhild – President of Orre

Ariel Kline- Chancellor of Johto

Ryota Ayabito – Premier of Kanto

Laney Phillips – Prime Minister of Zahav

“What about them, sir?” asked Debbie, a little confused.

Her chief laughed shortly over the phone. “You’re one of our best assets- which is why I am giving this mission to you.”

“Mission?” asked Debbie, confused for a moment, before it hit her. “Do you mean you want me to-?”

“You are quick on the uptake,” he replied. “Your mission is to eliminate all six. They’re a thorn in our side; they’re trying to work against us. I would ignore this meet, but inside sources say that they’re trying to work on a mechanism that will fight organized crime and terrorism, meaning that unless we stop them, we’re out of business. I’m giving you 72 hours to complete this mission. Time starts at Sunday Night, or Monday Early Morning, 0:00 Hours.” The phone clicked.

Debbie fell back, still a little surprised.

She had to finish this mission…in 72 hours.

Six world leaders, seventy two hours.
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Last edited by Snow Fairy Sugar; 08-21-2008 at 05:15 AM.
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Old 08-21-2008, 05:10 AM
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Default Re: Six World Leaders- Seventy Two Hours

Wow, what an angle! You've got my attention.
She certainly does sound ruthless, and a mission like that would cause chaos wouldn't it? Wow.
As far as grammar, I didn't have any mistakes jump out at me, which is a good thing. ^^

Quote:
Originally Posted by May Norman View Post
Normally, Debbie’s a normal, university student, dating guys, leading life as any normal student would do.
Maybe fix the beginning of that sentence. You use normal twice. ^^'
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Last edited by k_pop; 08-21-2008 at 05:13 AM.
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Old 08-21-2008, 05:18 AM
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Default Re: Six World Leaders- Seventy Two Hours

Quote:
Originally Posted by k_pop View Post

Maybe fix the beginning of that sentence. You use normal twice. ^^'
Thanks for pointing it out, I fixed it. =]

And I'm glad it caught your attention. xD I hope you enjoy it, I've started typing out Chapter two, and it'll be up as soon as possible.
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Old 08-21-2008, 12:20 PM
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Default Re: Six World Leaders- Seventy Two Hours

Warning: This is a Poke Poke review. I tend to be kinda harsh but I don't flame. If you get offended easily, please look away.



I have to admit, it is an interesting angle and if done well, it would make a great story. Unfortunately, you didn't do it that well. I'm going to tell you why.

First off, I find it hard to imagine that a university girl is involved in terrorism. Why would she do it? And it's kinda hard to keep that big a secret from everyone. You see it done in movies and all but in reality, it's hard to believe.

The story is also rushed. It's only the first chapter but nothing really happened other than she got a phone call. Most of the chapter was just details about Debbie's life. Granted, it could have been a bit more interesting if you fleshed it out a little instead of writing it like a boring summary.

I can't really see how pokemon are involved in this story. Unless you have some pokemon-related thing in the plot later on, why make a pokemon story if the story could do well without them. The whole story reminds me of the Kim Possible scenario. Please make it realistic.

The title is also bland. It lacks.. erm, flair, you could say. It has nothing to attract readers in. You know, make them say 'Oooh, that's a cool title. I wonder what the story is about.' And using the same phrase in the first chapter doesn't help the fact at all.

I won't go into grammar here. I'm sure I could find a few mistakes if I looked real hard but I'll skip it for now.

Lastly, and most importantly, there is no description. Judging by the way you write, I'm sure you'd do pretty well in that department if you tried, but you just... didn't try. I mean, I don't know what the room looks like. I don't know what Skitty looks like. I don't even know what the phone looks like. I only know what Debbie looks like and only vaguely.

That's it. Work on the points I mentioned and you'll probably have a great story.

P.S. I'm just trying to help you. Don't take this the wrong way.
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  #5  
Old 08-25-2008, 05:30 AM
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Default Re: Six World Leaders- Seventy Two Hours

Yeah, no problems..thanks for the review, I should work on descriptions more.

As to how she became a terrorist...I'll explain that later in the story. :o
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