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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 03-21-2009, 03:18 AM
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Default [PG-13] Forever

Forever

Chapter 1
Contesting Rage

Bullies were worthless, extremely worthless, and they fed and grew on the tears of their victims. In the public, they were seen as the hot-shots, the head honchos, the fiendish fighters, and even attention spammers. They were extremely accepting of their peers’ laughter and attention. However, on the other side of the lawn, their true sides were revealed. They were indeed depressed, angry, ill-treated, and savages in their families. These emotions undoubtedly affected their personalities at school and these are the factors that ultimately gave them their modern name: bullies.

Kale, the top bully at Snowpeak High and a six-foot two Machamp, virtually attained the status as “king of the campus”. For some reason, everyone feared him, whether it was for his bizarre muscle pattern, the four teal-colored arms he had, or the four championship wrestling belts he had so easily attained in the last four seasons. It was obvious that he had nothing else better to do then to pick on the freshmen and sophomores that went on with their day. He was a senior, a well-liked senior, and he was always getting his way through the lower-class men. Whether it was stealing their lunch money, giving them the popular “four-armed flex”, or even tripping them while they walked, he had definitely established his fear into all of their minds.

That’s particularly why Pokemon of all sorts had dreams to pursue. They were something to look forward to and keep focused on. However, with Pokemon like Kale existing, it just seemed impossible. If his type was mad, you had to suffer, and quite frankly that wasn’t fair at all.

Today was March 20th, 2009, and I still haven't allowed Kale to ruin my dreams. Space was my dream, my passion, and even though Kale was there to pester everyone else, I've managed to stray away from him, along with Miles. Miles was my closest friend, and probably the only one that I wanted at this damn school. He was an intelligent Pichu, shorter than average with a notched ear, but a bit too shy. Still though, now that he knew that he could trust me, he often revealed some of his inner personality toward me.

“Victory!” Miles yelled, chasing behind me. “Wait up!”

I often ignored everyone after school, including Miles, mainly because Kale was attracted to attention. Even the smallest things, such as Miles screaming at me like this would attract Kale's attention, and it would only give Kale another reason to do something drastic to satisfy his emotions, or more specifically, his boredom...

“What day should I mark you down for? Today or tomorrow?” I whispered with a sarcastic tone, obviously giving the signal that Miles forgot about Kale's irrational behavior. “Keep summoning unnecessary attention like this and your answer will be today.”

Miles glared at me, then began to lower his eyebrows, beginning to speak once more.

“What are you afraid of him for? Remember! You're the one that saved me from my fight!” Miles exclaimed, now gaining lots of attention. “Give him a few good electric pulses through his overrated body and he'll fall over! Kerplat! Nothing else he could possibly do...”

Now he was just being ignorant. Ridiculously ignorant.

“Oh really? Whose to say that I shouldn't just destroy you rats now?” A sudden, ominous voice said in a menacing tone. “Why don't I just give you both a few blows to your abdomens? Knock the wind out of you both...”

Suddenly, both Miles and I were lifted into the air, dangling above the warm concrete. At the same time, I twisted my head to see who our assailant was, and as I guessed, it was no one other than Kale himself.

With a sudden jerk, but a powerful one, he tossed the both of us into a rocky wall, leisurely walking toward us afterward. He cracked his knuckles on all four of his fists, hoping that it would strike even more fear into our minds. However, that was just disgusting in my opinion, and when I looked at Miles he was shivering with unnecessary fear.

“Really? Today?” I said, quickly getting back onto my feet and running in front of Miles making sure to protect him. “Normally, I would just rant on how overrated you truly are, but today, you made me bleed. Now something has to be done...”

And in all honesty, something had to be done about Kale. Telling the principal or my parents about his actions wasn't enough. That just made him stronger. Today, I had to handle the issue myself, whether I was successful or not. Although I was only a single Pikachu, I had some power, maybe not some to match up to Kale's, but I had intelligence and strategy to back me up, along with a partner.

“Miles, get ready.” I commanded, charging up portions of electricity. “Today is the day you become Miles the Magical Pichu.”

“Freaking stupid, I swear...” Kale sighed, walking closer and closer toward us. “Today...”

There was a brief pause.

“You both die.”

He was no longer a school bully, but a psychotic menace. However, something was different about him, entirely different, and I had a feeling that we weren't at the advantage at all. In fact, I felt as if Kale had the upper hand.

“Death is a part of life. I don't fear it.” I stated, charging up even more electricity.

Little did I know, something would happen soon, and in result, it would probably change my life forever...
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Last edited by SuperBoy; 03-21-2009 at 04:06 PM.
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  #2  
Old 03-21-2009, 04:24 AM
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Default Re: [PG-13] Forever

It is good. I can't say much since to me this is only the opening chapter and not much has happen. I was kind of confuse on what Victory was but it is ok.

Can't wait for the next chapter.

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  #3  
Old 03-21-2009, 04:49 AM
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Default Re: [PG-13] Forever

Awesome story. I'll be here for the next chapter, you can count on that.
Gotta love the intrigue with Kale and his "difference." Personally, I'm going for demonic posession, but that's probably because that's what would be the cause in one of my stories XD
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  #4  
Old 03-21-2009, 04:53 AM
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Default Re: [PG-13] Forever

Quote:
Originally Posted by Charizard Michelle View Post
It is good. I can't say much since to me this is only the opening chapter and not much has happen. I was kind of confuse on what Victory was but it is ok.

Can't wait for the next chapter.

Chips, Syrup, Whip~
Thanks for reading, Chars. Happy to have you as a reader, and yes, I will do a better job of distinguishing characters. Thanks for pointing that out.

And for those that don't know: Victory is the main character, a Pikachu. Miles is a Pichu, Victory's best friend.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pokol DaErran View Post
Awesome story. I'll be here for the next chapter, you can count on that.
Gotta love the intrigue with Kale and his "difference." Personally, I'm going for demonic posession, but that's probably because that's what would be the cause in one of my stories XD
Thanks for reading also. I'm happy to gain new readers!

Yes, Kale's "difference" will be quite mysterious. However, I don't want to spoil anything, so let's just see what happens.
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Last edited by SuperBoy; 03-21-2009 at 04:57 AM.
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  #5  
Old 03-21-2009, 07:57 PM
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Default Re: [PG-13] Forever

Chapter 2
Let the Games Begin

Anger raged within me, and I knew that this was only the beginning. Of all the days, today was my day to finally confront the irritating, overly impulsive Kale. Just looking at him made me want to rip my insides out and chuck it at his face. However, this wasn’t fantasy or some sort of fairy-tale. This was reality, and I had to deal with this in a mature fashion, whether it meant that I would go home bruised up or not.

“He’s coming, Victory!” Miles screamed, now tugging on my zigzag tail, urging me to flee while we can. “We can still get away! We’re faster than he is!”

“Running won’t stop him.” I firmly stated, charging up even more portions of electricity. “Someone has got to stop him, and honestly, it looks like it’s going to be our job.”

Slowly, Miles released his grasp from my tail and lifted his head up. I could tell that he was still somewhat nervous, but my words were just enough to get his head in the game and be brave for once. As I said before, someone had to stop Kale sooner or later, and now with Miles at my side, I was sure that things were going to become slightly easier.

“Shut the hell up and fight!” Kale demanded, now charging at us with a fiery passion. “Talk is cheap!”

I had no time to think about what to do. Machamps were known to know every type of martial art out there. Whether it was Judo or simple fighting styles, they had it mastered, and judging the amount of belts that Kale had, he was beyond mastered at the styles. If he got his hands on either Miles or myself, then who knows what could happen…

Without hesitation, I leapt into the air, unleashing a major thunderbolt attack down toward Kale. He was able to evade it with a simple dodge roll and was now headed toward Miles who stood in place with fear.

“Miles move!” I screamed, now landing on the warm cement and dashing toward Kale. “Paralyze him, anything! Just do something!”

Still, Miles didn’t move. I had to do something or else Miles was a dead mouse.

“Take this!” I yelled, unleashing another major thunderbolt toward Kale, and this time it hit him head on. “Never been touched by a Victory Bolt, huh?”

Afterwards, I charged toward Miles, grabbing him by the hand and running off of the school campus. Kale picked himself back up, shaking the remaining static, and began to chase after us, this time filled with even more anger.

“Miles listen. You have to do something. There’s two of us and one of him.” I explained, trying to provide him with the supporting words that he needed. “We have the advantage. All we need to do is strategize and use our power effectively.”

At first Miles still didn’t say anything, but after a few more seconds, he slowly shook his head, letting go of my hand and now running on his own.

“He can only exert so much force into a single object or foe at once.” Miles proclaimed, now stopping and thinking. “We need to make him focus on more than one thing. That will cause him to become slightly distorted with our movement.”

“Well, we don’t have anything, and he’s almost here. What can we destroy? The fences, the house, the trees…”

Suddenly, Miles interrupted my speech.

“The trees.” He said, charging up bits and bits of electricity. “We’ll destroy the branches, use them as a fortress, and while he’s busy either looking for us or destroying our fortress, we'll charge a major attack…together.”

Honestly, the plan wasn’t bad. In fact, if this worked, there was a high chance that we’d undoubtedly win the battle. Now we just had to put our plan into action.

As Kale finally came into view, Miles and I began to dash around the park, destroying tree branches of all sorts with our electricity. While Kale was chasing us we tossed every object we came by toward the ground, specifically to obstruct his path. After hundreds of branches were lying on the field, we began to pick up the pieces and build our defensive barrier: the fortress.

“Hiding…just like the worthless rats you are…” Kale sighed, now calming himself down and walking toward us with a serious expression. “I’ll rip apart that mediocre defense and kill you both afterwards…”

This time, Miles wasn’t afraid. At once, we both began to charge up as much electricity as we could, joining hands with each other and feeling the pulses inside one another. Thunder. That was our final offensive and if it made contact, there was no way that Kale would continue the fight. If anything, he would faint from loss of energy.

Suddenly, we could feel Kale ripping through the pile of branches once by one, easily focusing his attention on getting to the bottom where we hid. On our side, the Thunder attack was well and prepared and tiny bolts of electricity were now erupting from our red cheeks.

“1…2….3.” Kale mumbled, finally pulling off the last branch. “Like I said…today, you die.”

On sudden reaction, Kale threw his arms toward us grasping us both and just as he was about to give us a dynamic Seismic Toss, we both unleashed the massive Thunder attack that we had prepared. Kale screamed and instantly threw the both of us down toward the ground as he knelt toward the ground and slowly fell face first into the grassy field.

I looked over toward Miles who was bleeding just a bit from the impact that the toss has given us, but otherwise he was only breathing hard due to a massive use of his energy. He was younger than me, so it obviously took a bigger toll on his body than it did on mine.

“Whew…” I sighed, wiping my forehead with my small, yellow hand. “The battle is over. Kale the Great has been defeated…”

Miles began to chuckle a bit, struggling to stand up, but finally pulled himself together.

“Thanks, Victory. You gave me the courage I needed to finally stop being wimpy…” Miles mumbled. “You’re strong by the way, if you didn’t already know…”

I slowly began to chuckle myself, throwing my arm across Miles’ neck, hugging him like a brother. “Thanks, man.” I replied.

Suddenly, I watched as Miles was lifted slowly into the air, and as I quickly twisted my head to see who was grasping him, my eyes were revealed to a fully healed Kale.

“Miles!” I screamed, charging my body with tons of electricity. “Let him go, Kale!”

With haste, I dashed into Kale’s abdomen, watching as he began to laugh and then suddenly he stopped laughing. Instantly, Miles fell to the ground as Kale’s arm exploded into pure dust. We watched as the rest of his body did the same and after only a few seconds, Kale exploded into nothingness.

“Whoa…what the hell just happened?” I questioned, now fearing the possibility that we were both murderers. “My attack shouldn’t have done that.”

Tons of other Pokemon began to come out of their houses, peering at both Miles and I, wondering what we did to Kale. It seems that they were all watching the fight from their windows, and now they had just witnessed something drastic. If my thoughts were correct, we looked like murderers, and the police would be here any minute to arrest the both of us. Problem was…we didn’t kill Kale. We don’t know what happened to him….

Suddenly, I began to feel drowsy, now stumbling over my own two feet and watching as Miles turned to a blur. He was doing the same and there was no doubt that it was an Hypnosis. The police? Here already? No…

“I’ll explain later.” An ominous voice said. It was an Absol, and she was a little bit older than we were. “For now, don’t say a word. We need to escape…”

Again, there was a brief pause.

“And now…”

She quickly threw Miles onto her back and bit my back, grasping me as she ran away from the field. For now, she was just a stranger, but she was our last option. Still though, there was nothing I could do about it. I was now induced into a deep sleep, and so was Miles, and for now we just had to wait until we woke up to see what would happen…
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Last edited by SuperBoy; 03-21-2009 at 09:25 PM.
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  #6  
Old 03-21-2009, 08:16 PM
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Default Re: [PG-13] Forever

And the plot thickens!
Wow, talk about intrigue. Hopefully Chapter 3 comes soon, it's turning out as a great adventure story so far... :D
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  #7  
Old 03-21-2009, 08:24 PM
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Default Re: [PG-13] Forever

I really likez it. You've got a good start to your story going. Keep up teh good work!
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  #8  
Old 03-21-2009, 11:51 PM
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Default Re: [PG-13] Forever

I really like it so far. ^^ It's different from other Pokemon stories; they go to school! xD
Just remember to add Pokemon qualities with human themes.
I like your characters as well. They're different from each other, and Victory seems like a real hero. :D

Specific crit now:

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperBoy View Post
Although I was only a single Pikachu, I had some power, maybe not some to match up to Kale's, but I had intelligence and strategy to back me up, along with a partner.
A long sentence, no? It has a few too many commas, which makes it kinda funny for the reader to read. I recommend putting some hyphens in there instead of commas. Maybe like this:
"Although I was only a single Pikachu, I had some power - maybe not some to match up to Kale's - but I had intelligence and strategy to back me up, along with a partner."
Or you could always put a full stop there instead of the first hyphen. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperBoy View Post
However, something was different about him, entirely different, and I had a feeling that we weren't at the advantage at all.
I would put a double hyphen here:
"However, something was different about him--entirely different, and I had a feeling that we weren't at the advantage at all."

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperBoy View Post
Machamps were known to know every type of martial art out there.
Drop the 's' from "Machamps", and plonk it down after the 't' in 'art'.
Pokemon's plurals never has 's's on the end. It's like saying: 'mouses' or 'sheeps'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperBoy View Post
Without hesitation, I leapt into the air, unleashing a major thunderbolt attack down toward Kale.
Pokemon attacks have their first letter capitalised. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperBoy View Post
“Miles move!” I screamed,
Always, in situations like this, a comma is needed after the name. Try reading it like that, and then with a comma. x3 COMMAH IT UP, BAYBY.

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Originally Posted by SuperBoy View Post
Still, Miles didn’t move. I had to do something or else Miles was a dead mouse.
I'm a little picky when it comes to use of repetitive words close together (even though I do it too). Maybe, instead of that second 'Miles', you cold have 'my Pichu friend' or something. x3

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Originally Posted by SuperBoy View Post
Afterwards, I charged toward Miles, grabbing him by the hand and running off of the school campus.
This is what I was talking about with the whole 'Pokemon and human qualities' thing. Personally, I think you should replace 'hand' with 'paw'. (You said 'hand' a little later on, too.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperBoy View Post
“Miles listen."
Just reminding you about the 'comma after the name' thing. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperBoy View Post
we began to pick up the pieces and build our defensive barrier: the fortress.
I like the idea and plan, but doesn't building a fortress take a long time? Hours, maybe? xD
It would probably be better to explain how they're building it, because otherwise, I could easily imagine them to be wearing builders' gear and they've got a cement mixer and a crane to lift the branches down. xD
I know that's being silly, but just remember to make things like this specific so the reader can visualise specific things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperBoy View Post
Suddenly, we could feel Kale ripping through the pile of branches once by one, easily focusing his attention on getting to the bottom where we hid.
I think this is supposed to be 'one'. x3

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperBoy View Post
“1…2….3.” Kale mumbled, finally pulling off the last branch.
In stories, you must always write the number out in words, unless it's a large number or something like a number plate. Also, there are three small dots before '3', and then a PE2K one right before it. The PE2K one kinda looks out of place. x3

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperBoy View Post
Kale screamed and instantly threw the both of us down toward the ground as he knelt toward the ground and slowly fell face first into the grassy field.
Repetitiveness again. Repetitiveness again. Repetitiveness again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperBoy View Post
“You’re strong by the way, if you didn’t already know…”
I would put a comma after 'strong'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperBoy View Post
With haste, I dashed into Kale’s abdomen, watching as he began to laugh and then suddenly he stopped laughing.
I agree; very sudden. Maybe you could say something like:
"With haste, I dashed into Kale’s abdomen, watching as he began to laugh. But as I got closer, I noticed that his laughter was beginning to fade until it was no more." Or something like that. ;3

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperBoy View Post
He was doing the same and there was no doubt that it was an Hypnosis.
'a' Hypnosis.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperBoy View Post
An ominous voice said. It was an Absol, and she was a little bit older than we were.
Wasn't Victory's vision fuzzy? How could he tell it was an Absol. What is an Absol? Things like this need to be explained a bit more. (I do know what an Absol is xD, but you need to describe what it looked like. Maybe you could have described it and not actually said: "it was an Absol", instead just leave it for us to figure out.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperBoy View Post
She quickly threw Miles onto her back and bit my back, grasping me as she ran away from the field.
You could probably say: "and bit my own". :3

Anyways, I'm done with correcting! :D Sorry if I sounded bossy or anything. :3 Just doin' mah job.

So, I'm also guessing Victory is also like a narrator? x3
I'm totally looking forward to more. :3 I'll be here to correct it! :D (And see what that Absol is doing here.)

~Xanthe.
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  #9  
Old 03-22-2009, 04:03 AM
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Default Re: [PG-13] Forever

Nice. So we are out of the playground and into the meat right?

Glad to see my little absol persona is finally on stage. Can't see where will be going. haha

Also if you want, YIM me for some ideas. We can have a brainstorm convo. haha

Chips, Syrup, Whip~
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