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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 10-14-2008, 06:23 AM
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Default Cychips

Cychips


In the year 2046, the people in the Mossdeep Observatory of the stars, discovered a radio transmission signal. The words on the signal were completely unlike any language on Earth. The day went down in scientific history. Humans had finally made some sort of contact with extraterrestrials. Or rather, extraterrestrials had made contact with Humans.

The day was the 14th of May. It was calm in the observatory, when the signal arrived. People monitored the satellites that were designed to pick up signals like this. The worker’s sat bored at their screens, knowing that today would be no different. No signal would be picked up. Or so they thought. At precisely 1:26:18 a loud crackling sound burst of the speakers of the, sleeping Arnold Nostrof. The young man yelled loudly leapt from his chair, and toppled down onto the ground with a crash. Amidst the unexpected chaos, the signal had gone.

It was over two hours later, at exactly 3:42:07, when something else came, to the satellite monitored by Arnold again. Starting off as a faint hiss it grew louder and louder, and suddenly it stopped. The entire room was silent until a commanding voice blared out from the speakers: “Ksofrotzih id eeo atrayli na kotoshmos! Abatro genchi nagag kirksai omte…” then it faded out again, replaced by the same faint hiss. Then it came back all of a sudden with renewed vigor, ”a Cychips valla noggramatoj!” The voice ended, and the hiss left.

For fifteen minutes the entire room was silent. Then a man in the corner began to clap. The applause slowly grew, until the entire staff was cheering. The next day’s paper and every single new station were covering the story. Arnold Nostrof became an instant celebrity. The transmission was named after him. He was given a promotion and became the head of the new department, who were in charge of finding a source of this mysterious Nostrof’s Transmission. He never found it.

He died at age 72 in 2096, bitter and annoyed at his failure to get any idea concerning the transmission named after him. The people who came after him did not get any answers either. In fact people had no idea where Nostrof’s Transmission was from, until 2203 when someone made a fantastic discovery.

To be precise, it wasn’t a person at all. A small, orange Pokemon called Rotom was the mastermind behind this discovery. It was October 19th, nearing midnight. Storms were raging throughout the Hoenn region. Lightning flashed across the Hoenn sky, and the clouds poured down rain. The elusive, floating electric type was drawn to the lightning that flared across the sky. Happily the glowing ghost frolicked in the lightning storm. The eerie blue bolts that stuck out of his body acted like lightning rods drawing the electricity towards him. Unfortunately something else was drawn towards the innocent Pokemon.

A booming bark echoed through the stormy night. Rotom jumped up in surprise, as a yellow and blue dog like Pokemon leapt into view. Its jaws were lined with menacing white teeth, and its claws were razor sharp, just like the yellow hair on its back and head. The intruder lunged at Rotom, its outstretched jaws just narrowly missing the Electric-Ghost. Then it zipped off through the trees, away from its attacker.

It was quite a while before the terrified Rotom came to a halt in a completely unfamiliar area. The small Pokemon had never been here before for sure. He had never seen a rock so flat or straight like that. Cold and wet the Rotom decided to drift off through the wall to see if there was any shelter inside.

It was nearly empty in when Rotom drifted in. Only an odd look machine stood in the corner, near a window. It was a large, brown box, with a silver disc on top. On the disc, stood a long antenna with a blinking red light. Curiously, Rotom drifted up towards the light. An outstretched, lightning shaped limb slightly touched the antenna. A small, yellow bolt of electricity ran through the machine. The entire machine beeped loudly, and the disc began to spin. Rotom jumped, and raced through the wall, away from the odd machine.

Soon, the machine stopped, the antenna, pointed out of the window, into the night sky. Later, in the morning, when the rain cleared, a man came to the machine, to tend to it for the day. He pressed a button, opening up the speaker and was startled to hear a noise.

“Cychips…Cychips…Cychips…,” it said over and over again.

The man tried to move the antenna, but it snapped back to its original position. It was an amazing discovery; the second version of the Nostrof Transmission Suddenly, the man realized something. The word “cychips” was a word on the original transmission! Quickly the man found the coordinates to what the signal machine was pointing at, and left it to find a larger telescope.

Later, peering through the telescope, at the coordinates where the signal had come from, he found a star called Upsilon Andromedae. Double and triple checking the coordinates, the researcher confirmed that this planet was where the mysterious cychips signal was from, and the same place that the Nostrof Transmission was from. But, a signal coming from an inanimate object, like a star, was preposterous. There had to be a planet of some sort there, and one that was suitable for habitation. Sure enough, when the researcher looked through the records of planets a few minutes later, he discovered that Upsilon Andromedae did, in fact, have four planets, and one was deemed habitable, though only just.

The researcher quickly published his discovery, hoping to get a raise and a planet named after him, but he was not appeased. The Hoenn Region Department of Science and Learning (HRDSL) decided that the name “Cychips” was more appropriate for the name of this new planet. The researcher who discovered this received a small bonus, and his name was lost to history.

HRDSL quickly embarked on a project to figure out the quickest and cheapest way to get to Cychips. The answer they came up with was extremely simple. In fact the method that they came up with was old, and known to society for many years. Teleport.

They would use the most powerful Teleport to get a small pod with a few scouts, diplomats, and some researchers there first, to greet the unknown life form. They would collect vast amounts of data, and begin trading with the civilization, and things would go from there. Luckily, HRDSL knew exactly where they would find a Pokemon with a Teleport move that powerful. It resided in the care of the Hoenn Region Champion, Ormuz.

Ormuz was the only person in Hoenn who had managed to hunt down and befriend one of the rarest Pokemon in the world; Mew. Nobody knows where he went to get it, only that the hunt had a significant impact on him. He just disappeared one day, and months later reappeared with the little pink Pokemon. Before his disappearance he had been happy, loud, and curious. Now he was quiet and reserved. it was hard to guess at his real personality. He was still very caring, a brilliant strategist, and wasn't afraid of much; except flying. Since then he battled his way to Ever Grande City and there took up his post as Hoenn Champion. So far he has proved to be an excellent Champion.

When the HRDSL spokesperson asked him to go on the expedition for transportation, the tall burly man quickly agreed. Soon Ormuz and a group of scientists were strapped into a small spacecraft loaded with scientific equipment; ready to be transported light-years away.

The inside was not roomy. In fact it was extremely cramped, with a row of tightly packed seats, in one cabin facing a large screen. The walls were white and sterile, and the small room was empty except for that. The Hoenn champion was sitting all the way to the right, with a single empty seat to his left.

The twenty-four year old shifted nervously in his seat. He had never been on a craft like this before. The vertical takeoff position made him queasy and the space suit and seat were extremely uncomfortable. He knew the flight would be short, but that didn't stop him from hating it; or from wanting to throw up. All they had to do is leave the Earth’s atmosphere, and then Mew would Teleport them to the Planet Cychips, and they would enter the atmosphere and depart.

Ormuz suddenly heard a booming voice from outside. "T minus ten seconds...nine..."

Ormuz braced himself. His heart felt as though he might break out of his chest.

"Six...five...," the voice boomed.

From under him he heard the whine of an engine coming to life. He began to breath deeply, trying to alleviate some of the anxiety.

"Three...two..."

The thrusters groaned to life.

"One. We have liftoff!"

There was an explosion of sound, like a blast of a cannon, as the flame were pushed out of the thrusters, propelling the craft into the air. The entire craft rattled like a massive earthquake. Ormuz's teeth and eyes were clenched together tightly, as his head shook from side to side, rattling his brain, giving him a severe headache. It was an entire minute until the brutal shaking stopped, and the craft came to an abrupt stop.

Ormuz rubbed his head and breathed a great sigh of relief. He glanced around to see that the rest of the scientists were just as rattled as he was. He quickly glanced out a window and saw nothing but black dotted with specks of light. He saw a lone blue sphere down below him, covered with great, bright green shapes. Earth.

They had made it into outer space. Ormuz cheered with the rest, clapping. A gruff voice resonated through the cabin:

“Ready for Teleport,” it said. Ormuz nodded, pulled out a small red and white sphere from the right pocket of his orange spacesuit, and pressed the silver button in the center. It expanded to the size of a grape fruit, and opened up, revealing a jet of brilliant white light. Out of the light, formed a small pink, cat like Pokemon, floating in midair. She looked at Ormuz with her large, bright blue eyes, as if she were waiting for something.

Ormuz smiled at it. “Teleport us to Cychips, Mew,” he said. The two had rehearsed this already. Ormuz had already told Mew exactly where the planet was. He had told her the coordinates, the direction from Earth, the distance from Earth, and any other sort of information about the location of Cychips. Ormuz was confident that he and the rest of the crew would get there with no harm.

Being out in space was a necessary. It makes the Teleportation that much easier. The atmosphere is a huge blockade in teleportation. Sending your particles through a field of molecules requires a lot more energy than one would think. Sending yourself trough empty space was a lot easier, even if it was over many light years.

Mew seemed to be focusing, staring unmoving at a fixed point in the wall. She began to glow a blinding blue color, and a ball began to expand from her body. Ormuz, and the crew shielded their eyes for the bright light, but to no avail, the light filled the entire cabin. It lingered there for a couple seconds and the suddenly the entire world went black.

It was a mere three seconds later, when the world was flooded back into light. Mew floated in the center, her eyes devoid of the playful, energized gleam that was once there. She nearly toppled out of the air, and into Ormuz’s lap. Hastily, he pulled out a Pokeball, and meant to give Mew a nice long rest, but he was distracted by a gruff voice, saying, “Ready for descent.”

Suddenly, the capsule turned to face a direction, which Ormuz presumed to be down (it was hard to tell in space.) The thrusters shot out, pinning Ormuz, Mew, and the other crew members to their seats. Ormuz turned his head to see out the small window, but saw nothing other than the flames that they were supposed to be accustomed to seeing when entering a planet’s atmosphere.

Ormouz looked away from the window, and stared forward. The giant screen in from revealed a picture of a peculiar silhouette, like a giant sphere, flat on one side, with a round head poking out. Nothing else but gray static appeared.

“Cychips!” it buzzed, and as if that word was its cue, the screen exploded. Ormuz cringed, bracing himself for the shattered glass that soared towards him but it never came. Instead a bluish tinted sphere had appeared around him. Ormuz stared bewildered for a second, amazed. He looked down to see Mew’s giant blue eyes open, staring up at him. He smiled in thanks.

The capsule was still rocketing downwards the planet’s surface His heart was still pounding, but he, and the other crew members seemed to think that all the malfunctioning was over. He glanced out of the window and saw a the ground approaching quickly, and felt the cab leveling out. Feeling as though he had survived the wretched flight, he relaxed, only to hear a peculiar sound. It was a faint hiss, that grew louder and louder until, after about ten seconds, it filled Ormuz’s ears, giving him a horrible headache, as it grew even louder. And just when he thought he could take no more of the noise, the craft around him sizzled with electricity, and exploded around them.

Flames, and shrapnel bounced off the shield the Mew had created. Clanging of things hitting the shield, and the crackled of flames outside replaced the infuriating hissing noise. Nothing came through the shield though. Not even a gust of air flying back from the explosion, or the immense heat that was sure roasting the men that had been riding with him. Horrified at the destruction in front of him, Ormuz looked down, at the fast approaching ground, and at Mew’s pained face as she tried to keep the shield from vanishing.

Then suddenly the explosion just soared away, flying in off behind them to smash into a giant gray mound of dirt or steel. Smoke billowed out of the crater that was newly formed. Ormuz and Mew however, still dropped downwards, until the smashed down upon a black rock surface. The shield shattered from the impact, and the tiny pieces faded away into nothingness.

Ormuz sat on the rough ground, with his unconscious Pokemon in his lap, and his heart beating furiously. It took him a minute or two to get over the shock, before he came to his senses. "This is why I hate flying," he grumbled to himself. Shaking his head to clear it out, Ormuz took Mew into his arms. The Pokemon opened its eyes a crack, and that even seemed to demand much effort. “You were amazing!” he whispered to her, before letting her into here Pokeball for a well earned rest, and attaching the ball to his black belt.

Ormuz quickly disposed of his orange space suite, leaving a nice pair of faded jeans held up by a black belt underneath. Luckily the atmosphere was completely breathable. He looked around his new surroundings. The ground was a rocky grayish black, everywhere, almost like overturned asphalt. The entire planet where he had landed seemed to be covered in it. There was a massive mound of gray to the right, pouring out smoke where his crew had fallen. He winced as pain shot through his heart. The champion did not dare to go there; the entire mound might catch fire and trap him. Besides there was no way anyone could survive that crash. He suspected that either this was a small mountain, or a collapsed building like the massive structure that he stood in front of.
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Last edited by Leman; 10-26-2008 at 01:45 AM.
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  #2  
Old 10-14-2008, 06:24 AM
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Default Re: Cychips

The building looked as if it was once a huge grand building made with pearly white stone, and huge golden trimming, that was as tall as any on earth with three massive sky-scrapers jutting out of the huge base. Only one of the three looked as though half of it had not been ripped away, and the rest of the structure was covered in orange dust. Parts of the building had been torn off leaving huge holes in the side. As Ormuz neared it he saw what were probably the remnants of a pinkish colored fountain, large squares of orange dirt which could have been a garden, and even a huge pedestal directly in front of the building that must have once held a massive statue. Only one gigantic foot was left.

Ormuz stared down across to the other side of the building. There, there was an opening that Ormuz presumed to be a door. Two statues were situated next to it. Unlike any of the other structures these were still brightly colored green and white, and didn’t seem to be chipped or broken at all. He was wary of them; people might be nearby, watching the entrance.

Ormuz took off one of the six Pokeballs that were attached to his belt, and pressed the button in the center. Opening up in the center, it let of a blast of white light. When it cleared, a large, fierce looking monster stood in its wake.

The Pokemon was at least six and a half feet tall, maybe even seven feet, covered with rock hard green skin. Spikes ran down his back and onto his short tail. On each of his stiff, but powerful limbs were three short claws that wear razor sharp. The Pokemon roared into the empty planet.

Ormuz grinned at the appearance of Tyranitar, one of his most powerful Pokemon. The champion moved forward to the building, beckoning the rocky behemoth to follow. They reached the statues in seconds. They were odd, sentential like statues, with large pillars for feet, and thin round bodies. They two had no hands, but instead shard swords grew from their arms. Their faces revealed only the red eyes, for the rest was covered by a mat of green hair. A single red crest grew out of their skulls.

The two statues looked oddly familiar Ormuz. He could not put his finger on exactly where he had seen these sort of beings, but he was sure he had seen them somewhere. As Tyranitar and his trainer neared, and the statues came into full view, Ormuz gasped, and Tyranitar growled. They were statues of the Pokemon, Gallade! Some had been used against him in league battles once or twice.

‘But what are these statues Gallade doing millions of miles from Earth?’ wondered Ormuz. They approached the Gallade statues, made to go past them. The second Ormuz stepped past the doorway, into the dirt covered hall, the sword like arms of both Gallade whipped out and formed a barrier in front of him. The statues were alive!

“Kierda!” hissed the one on the right.

Ormuz and Tyranitar backed away cautiously, not taking his gaze off of the two Pokemon.

“Sorry, I don’t understand exactly what you are saying,” he said calmly to the Gallde, hoping that they would understand.

They did seem to understand. Scowling they turned to each other and muttered in their native tongue to each other. Ormuz only under stood a single word. ‘Human’.

“Leave,” hissed the Gallade on the left. Ormuz paused, taken aback by the fact this space-Pokemon could speak and understand English. They must have been pretty advanced.

“Leave,” he repeated.

“Sorry,” replied Ormuz. “We have nowhere to go.”

The Gallade growled, annoyed. The one on the left side extended the sharp sword like figures on his arms. When Ormuz didn’t budge, he lifted one into the air and prepared to strike down Ormuz.

Noticing the oncoming strike, Ormuz leapt to the side, yelling, “Focus Punch, Tyranitar!”

The monstrous Rock Pokemon already had his had pulled back as the Gallade struck the air where Ormuz had been. The three clawed fist struck the left Gallade in the head, sending it flying backwards into the large room, with a crash. Dust fell from the ceiling, showering the fallen Pokemon.

Tyranitar turned to his second adversary, who was standing at the spot, not what comprehending what had happened. Ormuz took complete advantage of this situation and called out, “Shadow Claw!”

Roaring, Tyritar raked his three claws across Gallade face, sending him spiraling into the black ground outside. Grunting the Pokemon picked himself up and charged towards Tyranitar, as the large Pokemon was turning to face his adversary. The Gallade struck twice with the Brick Break attack, once in the shoulder and again in the stomach. Tyarnitar doubled over, growling in pain. Gallade jumped backwards, and then rushed in for another attack.

“Counter,” mumbled Ormuz, just audible enough so Tyranitar could hear. Gallade prepared to deliver another painful slash to the massive Pokemon’s head. As the blow was about to connect, Tyranitar grabbed the bottom of Gallade’s armpit with one arm, and the bicep with the other arm., and twirled the Pokemon over his head like it was nothing more than a giant rag doll, and slammed the creature into the hard ground, shattering it, leaving the Gallade in a crater. Growling Tyranitar turned to a grinning Ormuz, who quickly complemented the large Pokemon on his great work.

The pair of them came to a revelation. The planet was inhabited. This civilization that once stood on this planet was very powerful before then, but had now fallen into disarray. However the members that were left were hostile. Even then, Ormuz and his Pokemon probably had some sort of supplies. He’d rather tackle these civilized people rather than the untamed wilderness.

Now with their senses on the edge, Ormuz and Tyranitar entered the seemingly empty hall. Eight brown doorways lined the edge of the hall, but there was only one that was not blocked by the mounds of dust and rubble that piled up in the huge hall. Only one even seemed as though you could go though. The mound seemed to be cut in two, revealing a black a white checkered floor, flecked with dust.

Ormuz motioned for Tyranitar to follow him as he walked though the two mounds on either side. Ormuz scanned the junk piles on either side for anything useful. A crimson fleck caught his eye. Ormuz neared it to get a better look, as Tyranitar’s eyes darted around the hall keeping an ever vigilant watch. A sack the same color of the dust on the mounds lay there, filled with red and white spheres; Pokeballs! Ormuz snatched up the sack, and checked if any had anything in them. There were five in all. He swung the sack on his back and proceeded through the narrow doorway.

He stepped into a downward sloping tunnel. At the other end there was a light. He suspected it was artificial, which meant it was probably inhabited. He would need Tyranitar to be alert and ready when he got there. Unfortunately that would not happen. Standing at the edge of the entrance, the large Rock Pokemon growled. Obliviously the massive powerhouse would never be able to fit through the tiny doorway.

Tyranitar kept snarling at the incipient, too-small, doorway, as Ormuz recalled it in a burst of red light. A smaller Pokemon would be necessary to help him here. If Ormuz had his way, Mew would be floating along side, yet she was far too tired to do anything except rest; besides she had earned it.

There was another Pokemon in Ormuz’s arsenal that he would be able to use. Grabbing the fourth Pokeball on his belt, and tossing it in the air in front of him, he yelled, “Come on Yanmega!”

In the wake of the shower of golden light, floated what seemed to be a giant, green wingless insect. It had a two huge red compound eyes and a long stiff tail. Though the bug seemed wingless, Ormuz knew that the pair of white and red wings on its back were just flapping far too fast to be seen.

There was shuffling down the corridor. His spectacle with the two Pokeballs , and shouting had obviously alerted someone to his presence. It was with extreme caution that he inched forward, with his winged insect flapping in his wake.

Ormuz peered through the doorway. A large spinning chair sat in front of a massive computer. Streams of odd characters swamped the screen. The blue metal that the computer was made from was shiny and clean, much in contrast with the rest of the things he had seen so far. The back of the chair was the same shade of blue, and just as clean. In fact, the entire room was that shiny crystal blue, except a long yellow tail hanging off the chair.

Ormuz stood there, in the entryway not daring to move; he didn’t want to be attacked though. But then again this was a simple engineer or technician, not a guard. Ormuz would have to contact him. So, Ormuz stepped forward and cleared his throat, getting ready to say something.

Immediately the thing in the corner leapt from its seat screaming. The yellow creature, was wearing a wimple brown vest, on its skinny little chest. Its massive head sported two slits for eyes. It pointed one of its six long fingers at a space in the wall, where he obviously thought the noise was from and a rainbow colored beam shot from his hand, slamming into the silvery blue wall.

Yanmega soared up in the air immediately without needing an order. Flapping his wings faster than before, a loud buzz filled the room as a blast of blue sound waves launched themselves at the Pokemon. Smoke filled the room, emanating from the point of impact. Yanmega and Ormuz grinned, flushed with what they thought was their victory.

Suddenly the tunnel behind them lit up. A beam of light soared through the air, striking Yanmega’s tail, sending sparked of electricity coursing through his body. It toppled out of the sky, barely picking himself up inches from the ground. As the large bug struggled to regain height, another beam, exactly the same, flew out from the side of the room, smashing into Yanmega’s wing. It was shot backwards, slamming into the blue wall, leaving a dragonfly sized crater.

“Quick Attack, Yanmega!” said Ormuz.

Regaining control over itself, Yanmega shot through the air at the small Pokemon. Seconds before the strike connected, the Pokémon disappeared, and instead of delivering a decisive blow, Yanmega plowed into the ground. Another beam of yellow electric energy shot from the direction of the computer, striking Yanmega square in the back. The bug writhed in pain on the ground as the painful electricity coursed through his body.

Unable to watch the bug in pain, Ormuz quickly made it disappear in a flash of red light, and with another flash of white, a reddish humanoid Pokémon replaced it. Magmortar stood in the center of the room, with his large girth, and mincing yellow dual cannons on his arms. Flames seemed to cover his body. Some were real, and others were just patterns, but they were still intimidating.

“Fire Blast!” yelled Ormuz, the second Magmortar set foot on the battlefield. “Keep firing till you hit it!”

Magmortar raised one of the pair of cannons. With a loud bang, a round sphere of orange flames erupted out of his arm and careened over to the tiny Pokémon. Just it had done before, the Pokémon suddenly disappeared, and the ball of flames flew of harmlessly and faded into the air.

Catching the Pokémon with the corner of its eyes, Magmortar turned and fired again at the small Pokémon, before it had the chance to launch its own attack. Again it disappeared into thin air appearing at the volcanic Pokemon’s side. Flames kept flying around the room, with the small psychic type dodging each and every one.

“This isn’t working,” muttered Ormuz, scowling. Suddenly an idea hit him. Raising his voice, he said. “Magmortar, use Overheat!” Then he immediately leapt into the tunnel.

Flames poured from every inch on Magmortar’s body, engulfing the run in an inferno. Flames swirled in the room, scorching and blackening every single inch in the room. There was no way that the Pokemon would be able to guard himself long enough.

When the flames died down, and Ormuz rushed back into the black room, the two saw the small Pokemon blackened and burnt on the ground, unmoving. The two stared down on it for a little bit, and then, Ormuz, struck by a sudden idea, dropped a Pokeball on it.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Its for Abra and has like 25k characters
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Done: 8680

I don't ref forum battles/1v1s. Don't PM me to ref, IM me instead.
I need to have basic battles.

I grade week old stories that are Hard rank or lower. :)



Last edited by Leman; 10-26-2008 at 01:42 AM.
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  #3  
Old 10-25-2008, 10:18 AM
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Default Re: Cychips

Story/Plot: Okay, I have to say that when I first started reading this, it seemed like a very unique and fun plot to read… Aliens sending a mysterious signal to Earth one day, how cool is that? I was excited as I read on, but then as we got to the introduction of the main character, it wasn’t really tasteful to me, as it took an entirely different turn.

Firstly, the entire first half was a summary more than anything. It felt like you were just telling about something that you read about, rather than telling the story yourself as things happened… More like a book report or something. I didn’t have too big of a problem with this, as you included a lot of vital information toward building the plot, but I would have liked to see more focus on the very beginning, what with the signal and such… That seemed to have the biggest impact, but you just zipped right past it.

Secondly, you didn’t build up the character of Ormuz enough for us to really understand him or have any feelings for him. A little information about his past would have been nice to see, as well as showing his personality in some way.

Once they arrived on Cychips, everything kind of turned “blegh” for me, in terms of my interest in continuing to read it. It was really, just, confusing to be honest. I couldn’t really envision the place or anything, and the whole predicament, including the fact that the Pokemon could speak human tongue, really didn’t make any sense.

Introduction: Like I said, you sort of whizzed through this, but I still enjoyed it, as it decently set up the premise of the story and such. Nice work here, I don’t really have anything to complain about other than the fact that the Rotom part was sort of unneeded and just distracted from the story as a whole, since it really didn’t have a major impact other than turning on the machine, which could have been turned on a different way.

Grammar/Spelling: This was okay-ish, I must say… You have the basics of spelling, separating paragraphs, and sentence structure down pretty well, but I noticed a lot of other mistakes that were repeated.

You seemed to have the most problems with comma usage. Here are 4 basic times you use commas:

1) When you are combining two sentences into a compound sentence, you place the comma at the very end of the first sentence, before the conjoining word “and, but & or”.

2) In complex sentences, you would place the comma after the prepositional phrase, if you were using one… phrases that usually start with words like “in, after, between, etc”.

3) In lists of three or more items, you would place a comma after the first two things in the list, but not the third.

4) If you are using an adjective to describe someone such as: “Agitated, John glared at her.” , you would place the comma after the adjective, since it is telling about John, but technically interrupts the flow of the sentence.

Really, other than that, it was only you using odd words here and there in strange places, we well as just careless things as forgetting words, adding unneeded s’s to some words, and occasionally switching to present tense. Watch out for these sneaky errors, and always proofread your work. You had plenty of time to do that while you were waiting for me to grade your story.

Length: Rad.

Detail/Description: This was alright. Much better than a lot of others, but still lacking in terms of scenery and characters specifically. The whole planet of Cychips was really vague to me, as were the events in the rocket… You sort of rushed everything, not really dwelling on what was happening, so most of it was just a mist, and it was like, you just skipped that whole part. I probably don’t make any sense, huh? xD

One part that I felt deserved a lot more significance in terms of description was the takeoff of Ormuz and the crew in the pod. No doubt it would have been a terrifying experience, and I think that you could have described a bit more emotion besides just his fear, such as other thoughts that might be running through his head, as well as things that were happening to his body; such as being thrown around roughly, his breath hanging in his throat during those first few seconds after takeoff.

We need to see that your character is human, and if you don’t describe his thoughts and feelings towards new and dangerous situations such as these, we don’t really get an understanding of him.

Battle: I actually thought your battles were quite nice. You had some good description in your sentences, and I loved how you incorporated the environment into it (yes, that is such a common thing for a grader to say, but it really does make an impact.) However, certain things I felt were a bit “stretched”, such as the Lava Plume attack at the very end. Not only do I think the building would have been more damaged, such as being on the verge of toppling over, but also the fact that you made it seem to be more powerful than a Fire Blast attack, when it is, in truth, not.

Also, I felt like your battles followed the Anime-style more than they should have, which meant that they were not as realistic as they could have been. I think two Gallade would have caused a bit more trouble for a Tyranitar than you portrayed, and having the Rock-type take out the two Fighting types in one or two hits just didn’t really seem practical to me. I understand that that wasn’t the main battle, but still, you could have focused on it a tad more.

Outcome: I really liked the plot when you started off, but about halfway through, it really all went way downhill for me. It all felt like an RP post, to be honest. You had quite a few grammatical issues that could easily be solved by a quick proofreading, and until you fix them, along with adding to the detail of the characters’ personalities, and adjusting a few scenes, I can’t give you the Pokemon. I know you can do better, which is why I am pushing you. Abra not captured!. PM me for a regrade. I’m sure you’ll be successful with just a little bit of editing.
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Old 10-25-2008, 05:05 PM
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Default Re: Cychips

Ok, Thanks for the grade. :)

I don't really agree with the battle stuff though. Magmortar used Overheat, not Lava Plume, and Tyranitar can OHKO those Gallade. Especially since they were out of shape, so yeah. Shadow Claw+ Countering a Night Slash also would end in a KO. As well as the fact as the Human tongue. These guys were supposed to be a once advanced civilization, that recently crumbled, so the ability to speak is a remnant of their past greatness. Also Rotom's significance will probably be explained later. The fact that it could pinpoint Cychips and the other Pokemon and workers couldn't will be explained.

Other than that I agree. I did really rush the second half. x_x I think I wrote it all up in two days maybe? Six hours total I think. So yeah, I'll edit that.
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Last edited by Leman; 10-25-2008 at 11:44 PM.
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Old 10-26-2008, 02:01 AM
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Default Re: Cychips

REGRADE:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Leman View Post

I don't really agree with the battle stuff though. Magmortar used Overheat, not Lava Plume, and Tyranitar can OHKO those Gallade. Especially since they were out of shape, so yeah. Shadow Claw+ Countering a Night Slash also would end in a KO.

Yes, but that too proves my point. You don't want your stories to follow the mechanics of either the anime or the games exactly... Pokemon are living, breathing creatures... You don't measure their vitality or "life" in percentages and such; so even though something could knock out its opponent in one hit in the games, that still doesn't constitute for what would happen in reality... By that logic, I could write for a Feebas, then have Jolteon kill it with one hit, then say that that was enough for the battle.

However, I saw that you added some to Ormuz's personality, showing how it was altered significantly after to his disappearance to how it was once he reappeared. Some of the prominent mistakes that I noticed were fixed as well...

The final battle is still a bit skimpy for me, but I suppose that you worked hard enough for the Pokemon. Abra captured!. Like I said, I wanted to see you work for your Abra, and I usually do that to people that I know can do better.

Have fun with your Psychic type. :D
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