Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 08-30-2008, 06:56 AM
Shinies's Avatar
Shinies Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 3)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: In a Box
Posts: 3,474
Send a message via AIM to Shinies
Default Machop!?

Going for: Machop
Chracters: 6,699
Ready for Grading!


Machop!?

It was a beautiful day in the glorious valley. The sun shining off the river that went on for miles, the dandelion petals in the air, and of course, Pokemon battles! Pokemon are weird creatures that come in many shapes and sizes. They roam the planet called Earth, waiting to be captured by a human using a Pokeball. Humans are strange beings who have long legs and arms and they wear armor made of cotton. Pokeballs are round shaped objects that are a bright red on the top half and silver on the bottom half. Today in the glorious valley a human boy named Josh with long black hair, blue eyes, a small nose and medium shaped ears tries to capture a Machop using his red, furry dog called Growlithe in the Flowery Meadow.

“Growlithe use Quick Attack!” yelled Josh as Growlithe ran in lightning fast speed to hit the opposing Machop with a fierce blow. Machop, a very strong Pokemon with yellow hair in three rows. Machop looked like a human except that he had darkish colored skin compared to the human’s peach colored skin. After taking the powerful blow from the Quick Attack, Machop walked up to Growlithe, grabbed him with his two powerful arms and used the attack known as Vital Throw which threw Growlithe ten feet from where he was and landed hard on several flowers.

“Are you okay!?” said Josh as he looked over to Growlithe. Growlithe’s face was covered in agony and Josh knew right away that Growlithe was hurt. Josh turned around and saw the wild Machop running with his right fist in the air and glowing a bright white.

“Oh no, he’s going to use Brick Break!” thought Josh as Machop had an evil grin on his face. Machop lunged into the air with his right fist in ready position to deliver the blow. Just as Machop used his Brick Break attack, Josh went down to hug Growlithe and to take the hit for him.

“You’re safe now” explained Josh as his face was covered in pain. Machop was in shock of what Josh had done for his growlithe. Machop looked at his right fist and ran away.

“Let’s go to the Pokémon Center!” said Josh as he got up with Growlithe in his hands. Josh could see the Pokémon Center from where he was and started running toward it. Running through the flowers and stepping on them hurt Josh as he loved flowers very much. He finally got to the Pokémon Center after running 2 minutes and stepped inside.

“Chan –sey!” said the Chansey doing its job by standing at the door and saying hello in their weird language. Chanseys are pink, round with an egg in their bellybutton and very peaceful creatures. Chanseys are not known to battle but when they do they can take a hit.

“Hello to you too!” replied Josh as he nodded toward the Chansey. Josh walked over to the counter where a white lady with pink hair was standing.

“How may I help, sir!” said the nurse in excitement.

“Yes, as you can see my Growlithe is terribly injured!” said Josh.

“Oh yes! Let me heal him for you!” said the Nurse as she took him from Josh’s hands.

“Please be careful with him!” yelled Josh as he started getting worried of Growlithe’s health. Josh went to the couch in the corner of the room and sat down to wait.

“Maybe if I go to sleep time will go by faster” said Josh to himself. Josh closed his eyes and fell into a deep sleep.

“Excuse me!” said the nurse in a low pitch voice as she gave Josh a tiny shove to wake him up. Josh stood up and rubbed his eyes.

“What’s wrong!” said Josh with a worried look on his face.

“Nothings wrong, your Growlithe will be just fine!’ explained the nurse calming Josh down.

“I just wanted to ask you how this had happened.” asked the nurse.

“It was a wild Machop and if it wasn’t for me, Growlithe would have been hit by another Brick Break.” explained to Josh as he used his right arm to rub his back slightly.

“Well, that Machop has been giving me a lot of patients lately!” said the nurse with upset face.

“I think you should just leave it alone and continue with your Pokémon journey.” said the nurse.

“I can’t just leave this strong Pokémon! I have to catch it, it would help me out a lot!” explained Josh as he was determined to catch the Machop.

“Very well then.” said the nurse in a depressing way. Josh thought it was best to stay for the night and go out looking for the Machop tomorrow. Maybe then he and Growlithe would have enough energy to fight the Machop.

The next morning Josh had gotten Growlithe and had just stepped out when they saw Machop sitting in the flower meadow.

“This is our chance, Growlithe!” said Josh as he put on his determination face. After the short walk from the Pokémon Center they finally arrived in front of Machop. Machop looked up and was surprised to see Josh and Growlithe.

“We’re back for some more!” said Josh as a slight grin appeared on his face.

“We want you to come along with us on our journey, Machop!” said Josh as he backed up a little to give the two Pokémon some space. Machop nodded and stood up; he got into position and waited for Josh to make a move.


“Alright Growlithe, give him your Flamethrower!” yelled Josh as Growlithe opened his mouth and a fury of flames escaped and aimed for Machop. Machop quickly dodged it by sidestepping but was met by a Quick Attack from Growlithe. Machop was blown back by the Quick Attack and made his move toward Growlithe. Running at high speed Machop jumped into the air and when coming down he was aiming for Growlithe with his Right Leg out in front of him and glowing. Machop hit Grolithe with the Low Kick attack and sent Growlithe flying 2 feet and landing 6 feet from where he was at.

“Growlithe, are you okay!? Yelled Josh as Growlithe stood up with some pain in his face. Machop charged toward Growlithe, with his right fist glowing and landed a powerful Karate Chop on Growlithe.


“Growlithe! We have him what he wants do what I told you to do!” screamed Josh as Growlithe quickly stood up and used his Double Team attack. Growlithe started making copies of himself and before Machop knew it, there were twenty Growlithes surrounding him.

“Growlithes, use your Fire Spin Attack!” screamed Josh in excitement! All twenty of the Growlithes opened their mouth and extremely big and hot Flames came out aiming toward the machop and anything else inside the circle. The flames engulfed Machop and there was nowhere to run. The flames finally stopped and all that was left inside was a burnt up Machop lying on the ground.

“Yes, now to throw the Pokéball!” yelled Josh in excitement of defeating the Machop. Josh reached into his pocket to grab his only Pokéball and he threw it at the Machop. The Pokéball hit Machop and a Blinding white light came out of the ball as Machop went inside it. The ball wiggled once, twice, and after the third it was still…
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 10-20-2008, 11:05 AM
Ataro's Avatar
Ataro Offline
RUSTYREFBOT
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Location
Posts: 20,271
Send a message via AIM to Ataro
Default Re: Machop!?

Story/Plot: One word, random. :P This is really common now, so I’m not going to complain much since this is for a Simple mon anyway. Another thing is about the usage of Chansey and the nurse. Although they are practically the only characters that serves in the hospitals in the Pokemon world (a man once appeared in one episode as a doctor, not going to talk about that one though), you can try to twist and turn that a little to achieve more of the originality for your plot. Perhaps it is a Happiny this time instead, and a haggard, old lady is in charge instead? Such minor things can be good and not just leave the reader knowing what is going to happen next.

Introduction: You introduced to us the surroundings, Josh’s facial appearance, and also a little about Machop and Growlithe. The problem here is that these introductions simply appear like how a Pokedex describes things. For example, “Pokemon are weird creatures that come in many shapes and sizes. They roam the planet called Earth, waiting to be captured by a human using a Pokeball. Humans are strange beings who have long legs and arms and they wear armor made of cotton. Pokeballs are round shaped objects that are a bright red on the top half and silver on the bottom half,” that was what you wrote. However, it became a little irrelevant to the story after I’ve read the entire story, and made me think that that was simply to fulfil the length requirement. Though, still good job on most of the introductions. Perhaps, you can also try to describe what is Josh wearing, is it a singlet with short pants? Or maybe he was wearing a shirt coupled with jeans? Whatever a character puts on, we can tell a lot about his character, his behaviour or even the mood of the story at that point of time if you went on further and describe about the way he wore his clothes (ragged manner depicts how poor his family is). Of course, that will work better if you’re linking it to his background to prevent randomness.

Grammar/Spelling/Reality: Not my favourite part, but please bare with me. D:

Quote:
“Growlithe use Quick Attack!” yelled Josh as Growlithe ran in lightning fast speed to hit the opposing Machop with a fierce blow.
You probably need a couple of commas in there to make it sound right and to suggest a break.
>>> “Growlithe, use Quick Attack!” yelled Josh, as Growlithe ran in a lightning fast speed to hit the opposing Machop with a fierce blow.

Quote:
After taking the powerful blow from the Quick Attack, Machop walked up to Growlithe, grabbed him with his two powerful arms and used the attack known as Vital Throw which threw Growlithe ten feet from where he was and landed hard on several flowers.
This is not really a grammar problem but more of a reality problem. I find it hard to visualize how Growlithe or Josh will let Machop walk up to Growlithe and throw him around. Perhaps ‘run’ or ‘dash’ would be better.

Quote:
Josh turned around and saw the wild Machop running with his right fist in the air and glowing a bright white.
Awkward on the part of ‘glowing a bright white’. Adding a ‘in’ between ‘glowing’ and ‘a’ wouldn’t hurt right? :[

Quote:
Machop was in shock of what Josh had done for his growlithe.
Capitalization please, probably just an oversight.

Quote:
“Let’s go to the Pokémon Center!” said Josh as he got up with Growlithe in his hands.
Another reality problem, as I don’t know how Josh doesn’t look/sound hurt after that Brick Break attack on his back. You might need some adjustments here.

Quote:
He finally got to the Pokémon Center after running 2 minutes and stepped inside.
Quote:
… sent Growlithe flying 2 feet and landing 6 feet from where he was at.
Both of them have the same problems – numbers need to be spelt out.

Quote:
Chanseys are pink, round with an egg in their bellybutton and very peaceful creatures.
You don’t need an ‘s’ for the ‘Chansey’ since Pokemon words are always both singular and plural.

Quote:
“Hello to you too!” replied Josh as he nodded towards the Chansey.
Addition of ‘s’

Quote:
“Very well then.” said the nurse in a depressing way.
Full-stop after ‘then’ should be changed to a comma.

Quote:
After the short walk from the Pokémon Center, they finally arrived in front of Machop.
You will need a comma to suggest a break.

Quote:
Running at high speed, Machop jumped into the air and when coming down he was then came down, while aiming for Growlithe with his right leg out in front of him and glowing.
I’ve realized you really don’t like to use commas. ;s By the way, the first letter of ‘right’ and ‘leg’ are bolded because you capitalized them, which you shouldn’t of unless I’m missing something.

Quote:
“Growlithe, are you okay!? Yelled Josh as Growlithe stood up with some pain in his face.
‘Yelled’ to ‘yelled’

Quote:
“Growlithe! We have him what he wants do what I told you to do!” screamed Josh as Growlithe quickly stood up and used his Double Team attack.
I didn’t really understand what you were trying to say for the speech part. I’m thinking you’re missing some words, but you only will know. :P

Length: Good enough.

Details/Description: This was not too bad for a Simple mon but you’re still capable of achieving more. I’ve noticed there are more descriptions in the earlier paragraphs, but they’re also the negative ones. Like what I had mentioned earlier, several descriptions of yours are kind of robotic, and it was as if you paused your story, read out the descriptions, then continue your story. Try to make your descriptions go along with your story, and not just out of the blue.

Battle: This was still okay… I’m talking about the last part of the battle since it was the official one, and not the first one. Of course, that doesn’t mean you should take away the middle battle. The first one was more of an introductory battle of how Josh and Growlithe were totally outclassed by the Machop. However, in the last part, it didn’t have to be so fast just so that we can see the difference between both battles. Have a greater variety of attacks used by both Pokemon, especially Machop, as well as having Machop fight more. For example, the Double Team and Fire Spin combo which was awesome could be lined up at the last, as the finishing move. Before that, it could be possible that Growlithe tried this but failed as Machop had used Foresight? And as your earlier parts did mention about Machops jumping so much, it could also be possible that he jumped to dodge that Fire Spin? Though what you’ve written was still okay for a Simple mon, remember what I said when you’re going for higher level categories to write for.

Outcome: Machop not captured! You’re already a pretty experienced writer, so I actually did expected more from you. Since it was for a Machop anyway, I will give you your Machop once most of the grammar/reality mistakes I’ve listed are changed, and the way the flow of the description goes. Once those are done, Machop will definitely be yours and feel free to PM me for a re-grade by then.
__________________
urpg stats . the ultra dex .
avatar image courtesy of emma-kins .
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:42 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com