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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 10-12-2008, 02:42 AM
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Default Brian and Husnain's Sister go to Cam Lovers R' Us

Brian the Angry Shellos Meets Husnain's Sister!

“Mom! It’s not my fault!” I yelled angrily, stamping a sludgy foot down. My mom towered above me, her three big eyes staring angrily down at me from an olive green head, fins striking out on either side.

“Yes it is! You pushed you brother, making him fall into glass!” she screamed angrily, nudging the blue Shellos beside her, who could be mistaken for me. His dark blue slimy skin was covered in red cuts. The white tipped fins that sat atop his head were stained red, and his normally cheery yellow mouth now frowned at me. His green belly quivered as he breathed in and out.

“Yeah, how could you!” he quipped, his voice sounding pathetic on the outside, but underneath, I could hear the sarcasm.

“Mom!” I yelled, my small voice sounding large in the muddy hollow that we stood in. “I told you! It wasn’t my fault! He was running, and wasn’t looking where he was going, and stepped on it, cracking it!”

“Brian, stop it. Really. You pushed him into there! He says so himself!” She screeched, her boneless body shaking with anger.

“But I’m saying that it wasn’t me!” I retorted, leaping slightly into the air, making dark brown mud splash around me. Through the light that flowed in through an opening in the hollow, I could see my mother’s angry face.

“Uggggh. I’m done with you. Just get out of here, okay?” she said dramatically, turning to my brother. He smirked at me while she wasn’t looking, giving me a rude face.

“You know, I will!” I announced fearlessly, moving towards the entrance. “I’m going to Jr’s, don’t bother to try and get me to come back. His family loves me more than you!” I said bitterly, leaving the hollow.

“Haha! Good luck with that! Jr’s grounded!” she yelled, her voice getting fainter as I edged through the thick mud, the sun shining down on my slimy body. Blades of grass moved by me as I worked my way through the marsh toward my friend Jr’s house. Suddenly, I heard a creature sloshing through the mud, his body masked by the blades of grass that sprung up everywhere.

“Hello?” I asked nervously, hoping that it wasn’t a Pokemon trying to prey on me, or a Bidoof, which just annoyed me. A small pink head crept through the grass nervously, but once it saw me, it relaxed. “Oh, hi Jr. Mind if I stay at your place tonight? I’m angry at my mom.” I told him.

“Sorry, I’m grounded. I’m just coming back from getting some berries,” he said, flicking his pink head back slightly to indicate the berries that sat on his slightly spiked shell.

“Oh, my mom wasn’t lying then,” I sighed, looking at my friend. His white chest was covered in mud.

“Hey, it’s okay. You can probably come for dinner, my mom won’t mind,” Jr said consolingly. I nodded, and we poked along through the marsh, the tall grass masking us from predators. Our small size came in handy sometimes, surprisingly. Eventually, we reached a small hole in the mud, with a rock above it. “Here we are,” Jr said perkily. We got ready to move into his house when suddenly, it went dark around us. Jr squeaked, and darted into the hole.

Towering above me was a human. She looked young, as she wasn’t very developed. She had long pigtails that shot out of the sides of her head. Big round glasses perched themselves on her sharp nose, which was dotted by freckles. She wore a green dress, that cut off around her knees. With one foot, she kicked the rock near Jr’s hole into it, and bent down to look at me.

“Hi there, little buddy! My name is Stupid! But everyone else just calls me Husnain’s Sister, so you can to!” she cheerily squealed, revealing ugly silver braces in her mouth. Stinky breath shot out of her mouth with each word. I slowly moved back. “No! Don’t go! I want to take you back to show my big brother, Husnain!” she yelped happily. “I guess that means I have to catch you!”

Husnain’s sister reached into the olive green purse that hung around her shoulder, and pulled out a red and white sphere. She flung it at me, but I swerved out of the way. The Pokeball hit the mud with a disgusting noise, and sank in. “Eww, I guess I have to weaken you first!” she announced, grabbing yet another Pokeball from her belt. She pressed a button on it, and after a flash of red light, a Bidoof appeared.

The stupid brown thing cocked its head to the side, grinning broadly. Its big buck teeth shot out of its mouth, which made it look even stupider. Its small beady eyes looked at me, then darted all over the place. “Biiidoo!” it squeaked.

“All right!” Husnain’s sister chirped. “Go after that Shellos with a Headbutt attack!” she announced. The beaver jumped forward at me, baring its open head. Ready for the attack, I lowered my head into the mud, and flung mud into the air. It came back down, covering my body. Bidoof slammed into me, and slid off, only hurting me mildly. I flailed my backside towards it, skimming along the mud in a Mud Slap attack.

The mud forcefully hit the beaver, getting in its eyes. “Bidoof! Don’t take that! Use a Rollout attack!” she squealed. Bidoof curled up into a ball, and began to roll towards me, covering itself in mud. I realized that it couldn’t see what it was doing, so I scooted out of the way, and Bidoof rolled on past me. The girl obviously wasn’t very bright. The ends of my fins tingled suddenly, and I could suddenly feel the moisture in the air. I recognized that now was a good time to do a Rain Dance attack, and so I did.

I spun wildly around, hopping up and down in the process. Above me, the bright blue sky grew darker, and with it came rain. It poured down, making Husnain’s sister look at me angrily. “Hey! You made it rain! That’s not nice!” she screamed, stomping her feet in the mud. “Bidoof, now! Roll at it!” she cackled. I realized that I hadn’t been paying attention to the beaver, and as it slammed into me, I regretted my mistake. I flew back a couple feet, and landed into the mud with a splash. The rain still poured down around me, washing the mud off.

Angrily hopping up, I laid down in the mud, gathering the muddy water around me. “Hey, Bidoof! It looks like its getting tired! Hit it with a Superpower attack while it’s down!” she squeaked. Bidoof charged towards me. Once it was a couple yards away, I rose up, but under me, mud and water surged upwards, racing towards Bidoof. Bidoof slammed into the Muddy Water attack, also slamming into me, sending me flying backwards. Bidoof’s momentum was stopped, and it was swept backwards.

“Aww, Bidoof! Are you okay?” she asked. The beaver Pokemon nodded at her, and she looked back at me. Okay, use a Hyper Fang attack!” Husnain’s sister giggled. The beaver charged at me, chattering its teeth. I closed my eyes, allowing the mud to seep into my skin in an attempt to use Recover. I quickly felt rejuvenated, but this was cut short as the beaver bit into my slimy skin. I shook my boneless body wildly, trying to make it get off, but it wouldn’t let go.

“Okay, Bidoof! Let go and use a Superpower attack!” Husnain’s sister chirped. Bidoof jumped back, panting, then charged forward. I used another Mud Slap attack, and Bidoof’s body was once again covered in mud, and as it came towards me, I edged out of the way. I bent down and scooped up some mud in my mouth, and shot it at Bidoof in rings in a Water Pulse attack. Bidoof spun around dizzily for a second, then slumped to the ground, unconscious.

Husnain’s sister was very angry now. “You knocked out my Bidoof!” she screamed at me, her damp clothes sticking to her body. Reaching into her purse, she pulled out a Pokeball, and flung it as hard as she could at me. I felt it contact my head, and then my consciousness slipped away.

Characters (with spaces): 7575
For: Shellos West Sea
COMPLETED
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Last edited by Stinky; 11-10-2008 at 11:17 AM.
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  #2  
Old 10-15-2008, 02:48 AM
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Default Re: Brian the Angry Shellos Meets Husnain's Sister

I want a Shellos. D:

Plot: Brian is a Shellos that has been wrongfully accused of hurting his brother, who it milking it for all it’s wroth. When his mother tells him she doesn’t want to see him, Brian goes to his friend Jr, who invites him for dinner at his place. However, a human soon appears and spots Brian, announcing she is Husnain’s sister and wants to capture him. Sending out her Bidoof, she engages him in a battle.

It was pretty straightforward, nothing exciting really happens, but it’s good enough for a Simple Pokémon. To be honest, I was hesitant in grading your story just because I knew this was a comedy URPG story, and I don’t really like the comedies that keep popping up every few days. However, I found the story enjoyable, and I guess I should have expected such a thing from you. Just make sure that in the future, even when you make a comedy story, you extend the plot to make much more interesting because some graders may not like the comedy and simply point out that the plot was nonexistent. Better safe than sorry, right?

Introduction: I always think dialogue is a very good way to start the introduction; it makes the reader wonder what in the world is going on. You described the characters, what was going on, and the fact that they were in a hollow. Everything’s in order, everything was well introduced, so you get a pat on the back for this section.

Grammar/Spelling: Your grammar and spelling is always good in every story of yours that I read, and this was no exception. However, I would like to point out that there were a good handful of typos in your story. You can always get away with a few typos, but this story was only 7K, and in such a small story, typos are very noticeable (kind of how in a small marching band, you can easily spot the people who are not in step…yes, I breathe band). Make sure you double check, maybe even triple check, for typos, especially when you write a small story.

Length: Come on, why do I even put this section? Perfect like always. :p

Reality: Wow, this section exists?

Only something I noticed that made me do a double take. Brian and his family are Shellos West but Jr is Shellos East. How are two types of Shellos that are shown to be in different parts of Sinnoh living so close together? Maybe the area where they live is right on the edge of Coronet mountain, and therefore, have the two types. Don’t let the readers assume, though, so make sure you explain things more thoroughly in your next story.

Description/Detail: Good, good, like always. You describe the characters without make it like you’re shoving the information down our throats. I did notice that after Brian left his home, you neglected to describe the surroundings other than the grass. Were they in a forest, swamp, somewhere near a city. Don’t forget to describe everything when you make a comedy story; the funny stuff is only supported by sections like the plot and description.

Battle: Hehe, the battle made me laugh. x)

This was also very good. Okay, perfect for the little Shellos. The attacks were described, the battle was, for the most part, two-sided, and you used your surroundings, as well. Maybe you add some more elaboration like how the mild pain felt or how the rain fell from the heavens. It will just make the battle more realistic and exciting, a big bonus when you’re going for those harder-to-catch Pokémon.

Outcome: Sorry the grade was so short, but hey, you’re an awesome writer and the story itself wasn’t very long. So without further ado: Shellos of the Wild West captured! Good luck in the tourney, and make sure you keep writing and imporivng on those stories! :D

- Kat
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  #3  
Old 11-10-2008, 11:16 AM
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Default Re: Brian and Husnain's Sister go to Cam Lovers R' Us

Brian and Husnain's Sister go to Cam Lovers R' Us

My head swam as I found myself in a dreamlike state, as I heard the annoying squeaky voice that belonged to Husnain’s sister talking to me. “Shelly, now I’m going to take you home to meet my older brother, Husnain! I’m sure he’ll love you very much!” she squealed. My vision was hazy, and I couldn’t make out any distinct shapes, only shades of blue in blobs flowing around. Was I in a Pokeball? It certainly had an odd feel to it, as if time didn’t flow in here.

Suddenly, I found myself in the hands of Husnain’s sister. She seemed a little disgusted to be holding me, but she grinned anyway. “Shelly, here we are! This is Husnain’s room!” she squeaked, setting me down on the floor. She was really excited about nothing. It was a white room. The walls were white, the hard floor was white, nothing hung on the walls. Only a golden doorknob set in the side of the room was the only color, save for Husnain’s sister, me, and a purple gas condensed into one area.

It was certainly very strange. It had no face, but the gas was opaque, an amethyst color. It swirled around. Husnain’s sister stuck out an arm above me, pointing at the gas. “That’s my brother Husnain, Shelly!” she announced proudly.

“My name isn’t Shelly!” I yelled at her angrily. She was getting ready to speak, probably to say how silly I was (being she couldn’t understand me) but she was interrupted by a voice.

“Stupid, don’t speak,” the voice said. It was raspy and old sounding, and seemed to resonate from the mass of gas. “Come closer, Shellos.” it commanded. I felt forced to come closer, and inched across the floor, leaving a trail of sticky slime beneath me. I stopped a couple feet in front of the gas ball, and something told me that somehow, it was observing me. “Stupid, I told you to bring me back something interesting! Not a Shellos!” the raspy voice said. Husnain’s sister ran up to me and picked me up, hugging me against her body.

“Be nice to Shelly!” she screamed at Husnain. Husnain made an exasperated noise.

“Whatever. But, now I have something new I want you to get for me,” the ball of gas announced. Husnain’s sister leaned in close, brining me in too.

“I’ll only get it for you if you say that you are sorry to Shelly!” Husnain’s sister retorted, flicking her head back, her pigtails flinging back along with her head. Husnain sighed.

“Fine. Shellos, I’m sorry. Now, Stupid, what I want you to do…” he said dramatically, to catch his sister’s attention. “I want you to infiltrate the Cam Lovers R’ Us Club!” he yelled. His sister screamed, jumping back, obviously scared by something.

“But Husnain! That’s where the lowliest of the low go! They’re camwhores! What if a pedophile gets me?!” Husnain’s sister yelled at the gas, hugging me closer all the same. I squirmed in her grip, but she reprimanded me. “Shelly, stop!”

“You’ll be okay. Now, take pictures of yourself!” Husnain rasped. Husnain’s sister frowned, but obliged, and took me through a door that I hadn’t seen. This new room was much smaller, like the size of a walk-in closet, with white walls and a white floor like the last one, but there was one major difference. Set against the computer was a computer. It was large and black, and its screen glowed with color. It was placed on a large wooden desk, that had nothing on it save for the computer’s monitor, a small silver camera, and a cord.

Husnain’s sister sat down at the desk, placing me onto the desk. Awkwardly picking up the camera, she turned it on. “Take five pictures,” a raspy voice from behind us said. I turned around to see Husnain hovering in the room. “Only by placing at least five pictures in one post on their website will it appear for you.” Husnain told his younger sister.

“Well, why don’t you take pictures of yourself?” she asked stupidly, reminding me instantly of the Bidoof I had fought earlier. Husnain made a motion that reminded me of a human shaking his head.

“Just take the pictures!” he screeched. Husnain’s sister, with a frown, lifted up the camera, and scooped me against her body. I stared at the camera not knowing what it was. Suddenly, a bright white flash jumped out of it. I screeched, as my eyes burned from the bright flash of light. “Stupid, you hurt Shellos’s eyes! Leave it out of your pictures.” Husnain commanded, and I inched behind the computer monitor. Four bright flashes later, I was sitting besides Husnain’s sister, looking at the screen, which ultimately had more pictures of her.

Her braces reflected the flash of the light in most pictures, and her wide-rimmed glasses shined. In the first picture, I got a good look at me. My blue face stared curiously at the camera, while the fins on top of my head seemed to twitch. The rest of my body was engulfed by her arms. “We look beautiful, Shelly!” she squealed.

“My name isn’t Shelly! It’s Brian!” I angrily squealed.

“Okay, Stupid. Get over there. There’s already someone there to help you; his name is Zak. You’ll know him when you see him,” Husnain said mysteriously. His sister laughed laughed, and took out a Pokeball. Pressing the button on the red and white sphere, I was sucked into it, blacking out, as I was still tired from the earlier battle.

My eyes blinked open as I felt a sudden burst of energy, as well as a new voice saying “I hope to see you again!” but I heard nothing else after that, until I heard Husnain’s sister yelling. I found myself on the gray sidewalk beside her, looking at a building. It was thoroughly uninteresting, a building made with red brick, much like the others that lined the street behind us. Husnain’s sister looked down at me. “Shelly, here we are! Are you ready?”

I nodded fiercely, feeling energized. Husnain’s sister smiled, and grabbed the doorknob, twisting it in her skinny hands. It swung open, and music flowed into the street. It was exciting music, with a steady beat that you could tap your foot too. Husnain’s sister scooped me up in her arms, and walked inside, closing the door inside.

There were seven people on the inside, all different looking. They all looked at us as Husnain’s sister grinned broadly. “Well, hi guys!” she squealed. One girl with very blonde hair stepped forward, her chest jiggled furiously as she walked.

“Who. Are. You?” the girl asked, flipping her hair back. As Husnain’s sister tried to come up with an answer, I looked around the room. The room was rather large, larger than it appeared from the outside. It was nicely decorated, with wooden tables lining the walls, and pictures of people on the wall. It smelled musty; it seemed that an air freshener that sat on one of the short tables wasn’t doing much.

“I’m Husnain’s sister!” she squeaked, straightening her back out. The blonde girl laughed.

“Oh, yeah, now I remember you! I’m May!” she squealed, sticking out a hand. Husnain’s sister grasped it, getting my slime all over the poor girl. May screamed, jumping back. “Ewww!” she cried. “Bryce! Get me a sexy towel!” One of the guys in the room grabbed a towel off of a table, and handed it to May.

“I’m Alana Marie. Welcome to Cam Lovers R’ Us!” she chirped. She had dirty blonde hair, and her face seemed to show signs of lots of smiling, much like all the others in the room. “Did you want to join?” Husnain’s sister nodded, and Alana grabbed at the hand that hung by Husnain’s sister’s side. “I’ll take you to the registration room then!” she yelled cheerily, seeming not to care about the slime on the hand. She led us through a door in the back, and over the music, I could hear the members talking again.

The room she had led us into would be fairly plain if not for one fact- the walls were plastered with pictures of the girl who was now sitting at a desk. The desk was rather cluttered with assorted pictures of the people in the room behind us, and a few pictures of Husnain’s sister. On one side of the desk was a red and white Pokeball, which glinted mysteriously in the dim lighting emitting from a dirty lamp. More desks lined the wall all around her, each covered in pictures like the one she sat at.

Behind her though was the most interesting thing, a solid blue shell.

It was a navy blue color, with deep grooves set into it. The shell creaked open to revel a small pink ball, surrounded by blue balls. The pink ball had a tired-looking face that peered sleepily at us, but didn’t seem too interested, so it closed its shell again. Alana noticed that Husnain’s sister and I were looking at it and chuckled. “Oh, that? She’s Clamperl. The oil released by her shell is great as a lotion!” she said cheerily, turning back to her desk to search something out, her light blue shirt ruffled.

Suddenly, the door, which had gently closed was flung open, and in walked a man in a white robe. “Stop!” he yelled, his long beard moving as he talked. He had long wavy brown hair that seemed to meld with his beard. “Alana Marie, I challenge you to a Pokemon battle!” he yelled, pulling a red and white ball from his robe. Alana Marie jumped up, glaring angrily at him.

“Adrenaline! We let you into this club because we thought you would be mature!” she growled. “I knew from the start that you were a bad nut!” She said, grabbing the Pokeball off of the table beside her. “Husnain’s sister, just step to the side, this shouldn’t take long,” Alana commanded in her high-pitched voice. “Now, Lopunny, let’s take him out!” she chirped, shoving her finger on the button in the center of the Pokeball. A flash of red light revealed a large chocolate brown rabbit.

It was about four feet tall, with long fluffy ears. Its body was chocolate colored and thin, with long slender legs. It had large tufts of hair shooting out of its head, above red eyes that seemed to contradict its beautiful appearance. It hopped up and down anxiously, waiting for the battle to begin.

“Okay then!” Adrenaline said, releasing his own Pokemon. “Come on out my beautiful Jynx!” he said sweetly, revealing a Pokemon that was quite the opposite. It had dark purple skin, and eyes with tiny black pupils. It wore a long red dress, covering its feet. Ugly blonde hair sat on its head like a mop. It leaned forward, blowing kisses at the Cam Lovers R’ Us owner. “Jynx, start out with an Ice Beam attack!” Adrenaline ordered. The ugly Pokemon reared its head back, sucking in air.

“Lopunny, jump out of the way!” Alana squealed. The agile bunny leapt out of the way, just as Jynx shot a thin beam from its mouth. Alana Marie dove under a desk, and the beam shot behind her, hitting Clamperl where the two parts of its shell met. The shell ricocheted off of the wall, bouncing onto the floor. “Oh, you’ll pay for that! Lopunny, Jump Kick!” she yelled. The Rabbit Pokemon leapt into the air, sticking one of its long legs out as it rushed towards Jynx. Jynx gracefully moved out of the way, sending the Pokemon through the wall.

“Okay, Jynx, while its down, use a Psychic attack!” Adrenaline yelled. I saw Alana rushing forward, but my view of the battle was interrupted as Husnain’s sister set me down.

“Shelly! Go get Clamperl!” she told me in a hushed tone. “Don’t let Alana see you!” she squeaked. I darted beneath the desk, and could see the closed shell, but it was by Alana’s feet. With a sigh, I peered out behind me. I could see Lopunny furiously attacking Jynx, but Jynx neatly avoided all of its attacks. The members of the club were huddled in a corner, motionless. I turned back to Clamperl, realizing that there was no way I could get in there without being seen. I jumped into the fray, feeling for water beneath the ground.

I released it as I charged forward, bringing it up beneath me in a wave that carried me on top of it, putting me at waist length with Alana. I smashed into her, knocking her off her feet, and flinging Clamperl against a wall. “Hey!” she screamed. “Lopunny, get this thing away from me!” Alana commanded. The bunny rushed forward at me, cocking an arm back, in preparation of an attack. I jumped forward at it, slamming into it at its knees, making them buckle beneath it on the slippery floor. It wiped out, and slid across the floor into a desk. I slithered over to Clamperl, and tackled it towards Adrenaline.

Suddenly, I felt two arms scoop me up. I frantically looked around to find myself in Alana’s arms, the last place I wanted to be. “You leave Clamperl along or Shellos gets it!” she said menacingly, holding me against the wall. I squirmed against her grip. Adrenaline stopped the sliding shell with his foot, and stared blankly at us.

“You wouldn’t!” he gasped.

“Shelly!” Husnain’s sister said with tears in her eyes.

“Ohmigod, that’s so sexy!” cried the guy who had gotten May her towel earlier. Jynx stared blankly forward, unsure of what to do without its trainer’s orders. I closed my eyes, ready for the worst, but found myself on the floor. I looked up to see Jynx locking lips with Alana. Everyone’s face was that of wonder, except for Bryce. “Ohmigod, it’s just like Katy Perry’s song, ‘I Kissed a Girl’!” he exclaimed cheerily.

Alana pushed Jynx away, giving it a quick slap to the face. Jynx looked offended, and strode away. Alana seemed to be in shock, so she didn’t notice Adrenaline connecting a camera to her computer. It made a loud beeping noise that snapped Alana out of her daze. “What are you doing?!” she roared at the man. Adrenaline grinned.

“I just put that picture of you kissing Jynx on the internet!” he exclaimed. I could see his eyes darting to where Lopunny struggled to get up. After all the fighting they had been doing, the wall that had separated us from the main room was completely demolished, save for a couple bits of wall poking up from the top and bottom. Clamperl sat at his feet, its shell closed tightly.

“Lopunny, use Quick Attack to grab Clamperl!” Alana suddenly commanded. The bunny rushed forward, scooping up the Bivalve Pokemon in her arms. I slowly slid away from Alana, to where I could be in a good position to grab the shell.

“Jynx! Use Grass Knot!” Adrenaline ordered. Jynx reached into its dress, and pulled out a long thick rope. She swung it over her head, and looped it around Lopunny, tugging forward at the end. The bunny clattered to the floor, sending the shell flying. I rushed forward, billowing water up beneath me, and I met the shell in the air. I grabbed it in my mouth and surfed down to the floor near Adrenaline and Husnain’s sister. Alana looked appalled, and I could see her getting ready to say something, but she was interrupted by the opening of a door.

In rushed a man dressed in all green, with what appeared to be a stuffed onion on his shoulder. He was tall, and had an aura of authority around him. Messy black hair covered is eyes and ears. “Rust!” everyone muttered.

“What’s going on in here?!” he roared. Alana began to babble about what had happened so far today. Husnain’s sister turned to Adrenaline.

“Who’s Rust?” she inquired. Adrenaline shook his head.

“Big trouble. He can send us off to jail, or close down the club, depending on what happens here. If he closes down the club though, we’ll get Clamperl…” he replied, looking down at the shell I held in my mouth. I set it down, tired of holding it.

“Hmm…” Rust said, scratching his chin. “Alana, I already told you! I don’t like this club, and there are children around! You can’t post pictures like that! And the fighting!”

“But it was them!” Alana shouted, pointing at Adrenaline, Husnain’s sister, Jynx and me. Rust took a moment of contemplation, then straightened up.

“Okay, I’ve decided…”


For: Clamperl
Characters (w/out spaces): 15,433
FINISHED

If Rust closes down the club and gives Clamperl to Adrenaline, then it's a capture. If he takes Adrenaline, Husnain's sister, Brian, and Jynx away, then no capture.
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  #4  
Old 11-11-2008, 04:28 AM
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Default Re: Brian and Husnain's Sister go to Cam Lovers R' Us

Introduction

Husnain has a sister? :O

Well... I was lost for a moment, since Shelly can be a nickname for Shellder as well. You should at least do a short recap so that new graders know what's going on. And I don't know what Husnain's sister looks like, not that it matters. xP

Pass here.

Plot

It was fine on the whole and rather hilarious. (I LOL'd at rust's appearance and Husnain being a Gastly) The only things that made me stop to think for a while was Adrenaline popping out all of a sudden and challenging Alana to a battle. And I thought that Adrenaline should have used a godly Magikarp to own. XDXDXD And Husnain's sister wanting to go after the Clamperl all of a sudden. But funny stories are made to be random, so whatever.

You didn't feature enough cam whores D:

Pass.

Grammar/Spelling

On the whole there were no mistakes, but I could have sworn that I saw 'laughed laughed' just now in your story. Maybe you fixed it. :P

Nothing short of perfect. Distinction! :3

Length

Oh posh, 15k is enough.

Pass. No, don't pass the loot, it's just a pass!

Detail

I liked how you described everything unobtrusively: in Kat's words, "without make it like you’re shoving the information down our throats". The only problems I have to nitpick with is that May and Bryce didn't get enough description. And I seriously have no idea what Husnain's sister looks like beyond having specs and braces. Otherwise, everything was described a-okay. :3

Passss.

Battle

I honestly didn't see it coming. You chained a battle between Alana and Adrenaline into a snatchfest between Brian and Alana lolwut. You didn't use the surroundings very much unless you count Brian summoning a wave to ride on, which should have drenched the room, but it didn't. @_@

There wasn't really much of a battle, granted. More of shoving Clamperl around, and then rust coming in and deciding who dies. rar. I would have thought Neo as a more suitable candidate since he's a Global Mod and rust isn't, but meh.

I guess it was enough of a messy scuffle, since there was a lot of tripping and bashing involved and even a kiss lolwut. Pass.

Overall

Well, it's a funny story, so I had to let some random stuff go, but it was a good story on the whole anyway. The battle was a bit iffy, but I decided to let it go because I lieked the funnies.

Outcome

Clamperl CAPTURED

See you around.

Pika out.
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