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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 09-28-2008, 08:17 PM
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Default Power plant problems

Alan Baxter rubbed his eyes as the bright, early morning sunrays erupted through the emerald trees. As he groaned softly, stretching his arms, he dopily got out of his muddy sleeping bag. All of a sudden, he stumbled over a rock and tripped onto the ground. He fell flat on his face, and yelled out loud, “OWWWW!” The rock woke up. Two gravely arms emerged, and large eyes slowly opened. It floated over to the sleepy pokemon trainers head and looked at him thoughtfully.

“Geodude?”

Alan looked at the Geodude with a glum expression on his face, “That hurt.”

“Geo, geo, geo, geo.” The Geodude floated off laughing, as it disappeared through the shrouded trees of Dusk Forest.

“At least that fall woke me up,” he said to himself.

Alan Baxter was fourteen years old, had short, spiky hair and was small and skinny. He had left home at the age of thirteen to begin his Pokemon journey. His goal… was to become the most powerful trainer in the whole world. He had only been gone one year and he had made it quite far. He lived in Twiglet town and had traveled all the way to Dusk Forest.

Alan opened up his rucksack and took out a scruffy notebook swarmed with graffiti. Under the graffiti you could just make out the words journal. He opened it up and it had a long list of objectives scribbled out. There was one at the end of the list that wasn’t scribbled out. “Get out of Dusk Forest”. He had been travelling through Dusk Forest for three days now without visiting a Pokemon centre. His Pokemon were extremely weak and beaten.

According to his town map he was almost at Railight Town which had a Pokemon centre in it. He had to hurry if he didn’t want his Pokemon fainting. Railight Town was also famous for its power plant which supplied electricity to the entire town.

Alan put away his map and started getting ready to set off. He was unsure about letting his Pokemon out for a breather. This was because his Growlithe was extremely un-obedient. He thought to himself, “It’ll be okay if I only let him out for a minute.” Alan pulled a red and white poke ball from within his rucksack and hurled it into the air. The ball opened just before it hit the ground and a blood red light darted out of it forming the silhouette of a small dog like figure.

Growlithe was a deep orange colour with jet black stripes, just like the fur of a tiger. He had a big, bushy tail and razor sharp teeth. “Growlithe,” The Pokemon yapped happily. Growlithe was panting playfully like a puppy. He looked around fascinated by the trees. As he was looking around he noticed a large white bush. Growlithe barked at the bush and began chasing it. The bush began to run away from Growlithe. Growlithe was in hot pursuit of the bush. Alan laughed as he watched Growlithe run around in circles chasing his tail.

Alan got ready and ate his breakfast whilst Growlithe happily played. A flock of wild Starly gracefully flew over head the treetops. Growlithe growled menacingly. He drew in his breath and exhaled. An enormous ruby flame blasted out from his mouth, hitting several of the Starly. The flock of Starly squawked loudly as several of there members fell, smoking, towards the forest floor. The Starly hit the ground each one making a loud thud. Growlithe looked extremely happy with himself. “Growlithe, what did you do that for?” Alan shouted. “Get back here NOW!” The Starly above were fluttering every where and feathers were pouring down.

“SQUAAAAAAAAAAAWK!” Alan and Growlithe jumped into the air in surprise. The flapping mess of Starly above all flew away quickly.

“What was that?” As Alan spoke a huge figure of a magnificent bird appeared above there cowering heads.

“RAPTOR!” Staraptor had shadowy grey feathers, two enormous wings and an awesome haircut. “RAPTOR!” the bird screamed again. It dived down at Growlithe like a speeding bullet. Growlithe reacted just in time and dodged the attack. A good quality about him was that he was lightning fast. He shot off into the trees and went out of sight. Staraptor wasn’t all that slow either. It shot up into the air to pursue Growlithe.

“GROWLITHE NO!” Alan shouted at the top of his voice. Alan grabbed his stuff in panic and ran after Growlithe.

Fifteen minutes later Alan was still running. He was panting madly and stumbling everywhere. Growlithe was no where to be seen. Alan noticed a large building out of the corner of his eye. He looked just above the trees and saw the top of an enormous skyscraper. It had large yellow letters on it saying “Railight Power Plant”. He was overjoyed. He had finally reached Railight Town, but he still had to find Growlithe.

He ran out of the trees onto the concrete path. Not paying much attention he ran straight into a hiker. “WOAH!” the hiker shouted as Alan bounced off his flabby stomach.

“Sorry,” Alan said, squinting as the hikers belly wobbled from the impact.

“You should watch where your going, young man,” the hiker said rubbing his stomach. “Why are you running anyway?”

“My Growlithe ran this way, have you seen a Growlithe?” Alan asked worriedly.

“Nope, but I have seen a mighty big Staraptor head this way though.” Alan ran straight past the hiker after he said that.

“Thanks for your help,” Alan shouted back at the hiker.

He ran into the city and saw a big crowd of people gathered around in a huddle. He ran over to see what was going on. As he joined the crowd he saw a flood of red light rush into a poke ball. The person holding the poke ball was a young looking man, around his twenties, smart, wearing a formal jacket and had a tidy comb over. Everyone cheered loudly making Alan jump. Alan asked the man with the poke ball, “what’s going on?”

The man replied, “Everyone here just witnessed me catch a pretty impressive Staraptor.”

Alan relaxed, “Thank god. Oh yeah have you seen a Growlithe run past here.”

The man said, “Yes I have, this Staraptor here was chasing the poor thing. The Growlithe ran straight into the power plant.”

“Thanks,” Alan said quickly and ran towards the power plant entrance.

When he got there he saw a guard looking terrified. “What’s wrong?” Alan asked.

“There’s a Growlithe and an Elekid in there fighting. There going to destroy all the machines. I’m new here and this is my first day. What shall I do? I don’t want to get the sack so early.” The guard was panicking. He was sweating as if he was in a desert.

“If you let me in I’ll sort it out,” Alan said.

“G-g-go ah-head,” said the guard, stuttering.

Alan ran into the power plant. He saw Growlithe fighting a small, canary yellow coloured pokemon. It had dark, black stripes on its body and large hands, which looked pretty powerful. It had bolts of electricity charging through, what seemed to be the Pokemons ears. It turned around to look at Alan as he entered. “ELEKID!” the Pokemon shouted. It raised its fists and slammed them down onto the ground sending large streak of blinding electricity towards Alan.

“AAAHHH!” Alan screamed as the mass of lightning shot towards him.

“GROWLITHE!” Just as the electricity was about to hit him, Alan heard Growlithe howl in pain. Alan opened his eyes and saw Growlithe on the floor in front of him, smoking from where he had taken the attack.

“Growlithe are you okay?” Alan said hurriedly. Growlithe jumped up on his feet and growled at Elekid. Elekid looked at them angrily. It raised its fists, ready for a fight. “If it’s a battle it wants, let's give it to it.”

Growlithe howled loudly, intimidating the Elekid. “Okay Growlithe, blast that little yellow trouble maker with a Flamethrower!” Growlithe breathed in heavily, inflating his chest. Growlithe unleashed the breath in a huge flurry of incinerating flames. They flew at Elekid so fast that it didn’t have any time to dodge.

“ELEKID!” it screamed as it was scorched by the fire. Elekid jumped out of the flames and smacked Growlithe in the face with its electrical fist. Growlithe flew across the room, but it managed to regain balance before it hit a machine.

Elekid looked badly injured but it was still standing. Elekid jumped back from Growlithe onto a large machine. Lights were flashing, buzzing and beeping all over it. The Elekid raised its fist charging up a Thunder punch and smashed it into the noisy machine. Alan and Growlithe leaped back as the machine exploded. Electricity surged through Elekids body and into its fists. Elekid withdrew its fist from the machine and roared. Elekid looked like he was as good as new.

“Growlithe use Bite!” Alan shouted. The Elekid clapped its hands together, unleashing a catastrophic shockwave to fly towards Growlithe before it could attack. Growlithe jumped over the electrical wave and bit Elekid, square on the head. Elekid screamed as Growlithe clamped its jaws into Elekids flesh. Elekid reacted and slammed Growlithe with another Thunder punch. Growlithes jaws were released from Elekid and he flew a couple of feet away.

“Okay Growlithe, lets finish this with Extremespeed.” Elekid tried to react but Growlithe slammed it to the floor with the blink of an eye. Alan pulled a poke ball from within his pocket and said smugly, “Your mine.” He threw the ball at the badly wounded Elekid. The same blood red light absorbed Elekid into the ball. Alan now had to wait for the outcome.

He gritted his teeth with anticipation as the ball rolled once, twice……..



Character count-9429
Characters needed-5k-10k
Pokemon wanted-Elekid

Ready to re-grade
Atarobot
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{URPG}

Credit to EmBreon

Last edited by Metallic Houndoom; 12-13-2008 at 06:57 AM.
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  #2  
Old 10-20-2008, 09:08 AM
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Default Re: Power plant problems (NEEDS A GRADE!!!)

Story/Plot: This was nothing really surprising since it was simply another common plot – trainer-walks-into-forest-and-captures-Pokémon. However, this is your first story, so that is not much of a problem yet, for an Elekid anyway. Though, I found it hard to believe when Alan bumped into the hiker. Alan was just 14 years old, so it’d be rather impossible for the hiker’s head to hurt when Alan should be shorter than the hiker. At most, it’d be the stomach/belly that hurts. As an overview, I also have to say that space out your story more. Although your doing paragraphing throughout your story, press ‘enter’ two times, so it’d be like:
Quote:
“Alan walks…..”

“Then, he bumped…”
Although you cannot see how it affects your story from that tiny example, you can perhaps look at other writers’ stories, and you can see the difference in yours and compared to them. (Yours’ being chunked up.)

Introduction: You did provide some information that a reader will want, although you can still improve on it. Instead of simply saying what his hair was styled like, his size, why he left home, and such, you can perhaps introduce him in a wavier manner. A good example of what you did would be,
Quote:
Alan Baxter rubbed his eyes as the bright, morning sunlight erupted through the emerald trees. He groaned softly as he stretched his arms. Alan dopily got out of his muddy sleeping bag. He stumbled over a rock and tripped.
Basically, that was simply a jumbled up of sentences telling us what he was doing, and you can note that I didn’t say ‘describing’ but ‘telling’ instead. The reason was simply because throughout the quote, you barely used any connectors between sentences which made me sad. Without the use of connectors, it makes your sentences appear random and… boring. From that, we can change it to…
Quote:
Alax Baxter rubbed his eyes, as the bright sunrays in the early morning erupted through the emerald trees. As he groaned softly while stretching his arms, he dopily got out of his muddy sleeping bag. All of a sudden, he stumbled over a rock and tripped onto the ground.
It might not be the best, but you can at least see the changes, as he rubs his eyes to getting up and to the tripping action. By plainly saying ‘He stumbled over a rock and tripped,’ you’re expressing no time sequence. Such words/phrases like ‘suddenly’ or ‘all of a sudden’ can bring wonders by transforming a boring sentence into a slightly more excited version of a sentence.

Grammar/Spelling: Seriously, you really have a lot of those capitalization errors which can be easily corrected by yourself. Perhaps you didn’t know this, but the first letter of all Pokemon-related words must be capitalized. Such examples would include ‘Pokemon, Geodude and ‘Thunderpunch. I’m actually guessing that you know this since you did capitalize at times, but at other times you didn’t, which gave me the impression of you rushing through the story. Take your time to perfect your story, and read through again after you’ve completed it and you’ll be able to fix many of the errors that you are committing now.

Quote:
Alan Baxter was 14 years old, had short, spiky hair and was small and skinny.
I’m not sure if the age needs to be spelt out in words too, but better be safe than sorry. All numbers below 100 usually need to be spelt out in words, except for dates. So in this case, it would be ‘fourteen’ instead.

Quote:
“Growlithe.” The pokemon yapped happily.
You need to change the full-stop after Growlithe to a comma instead. Most often, you normally don’t use full-stops in such similar cases, but a comma.

Quote:
“If it’s a battle it wants, lets give it to it.”
That should be changed to, "If it's a battle it wants, let's give it to it."

As you read books or articles, you can also learn to observe their use of punctuations and apply it to your own piece of work.

Length: Yeah, this section was pretty well done, so good job!

Details/Description: Throughout the story, there was hardly any description done. You’re doing a really basic level of description where you simply say one of the things you can see on the surface, like the sleeping bag. Sure it was muddy and all, but what does mud even looks like? Basically when writing your story, take it that the readers are blind-folded; hence you need to describe things in the five senses – sight, sound, feel, taste and smell. Of course, if you have sight and perhaps one of the other four, I’m really happy already since I can actually visualize what you’re writing. And trust me, it makes a huge difference to your story/outcome.

Battle: This was probably the only part where you had descriptions continuously. :P This portion was not too bad but it could use a little arranging of paragraphing with the speech and such, not to mention lengthening. Based on a simple Pokemon, this was perhaps a really borderline battle. Another advice to you would be to make use of your surroundings. Since you’re battling in a place filled with so many machines, this should be where Elekid really gets some advantages, being an electric-type. Make use of your surroundings and introduce more attacks, then you can have an even better story.

Outcome: I thought about this and changed my mind a few times but in the end, I still decided on Elekid not captured! Most of the sections were actually sufficent for the Simple category Pokemon and besides, this is your first story. You'll just need to fix up those punctuations that are similar to/what I listed and capitalize those words accordingly and last but not least, paragraphing!! However, if you want to include more description and stuff, that will be great as well. You're really rather good for a first-timer but once you fix up those points that I've listed, Elekid will definitely be yours! Good luck. Feel free to PM me for a re-grade when you're done. :]
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Last edited by Ataro; 10-20-2008 at 09:50 AM.
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  #3  
Old 10-21-2008, 10:46 PM
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Default Re: Power plant problems (Ready for re-grading)

I'm happy to say that Elekid is captured! You really worked hard on this and put in great effort to change most of the things that I've listed out, so I don't really see any more reasons to pull you back from capturing. Have fun with that Elekid and good luck for future stories!
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