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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 10-20-2008, 12:11 PM
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Default Yanmama! [Story Deal]

Cindy sat on the highest branch of the tallest try she could find, looking out into the horizon with her large than beady but not really big, black eyes. They were searching for a nice oak tree with a large hole in the middle to cuddle up in for the night. Well not actually cuddle since there wouldn't be anyone else in the hole. A droplet of water appeared in the female's eye and traveled down her plushy green face and over the swolled red pair of skin extrusions she called lips. After that more and more started to flow out of her eyes. Her red antenae, which looked more like horns, were drooping with depression. She spotted one that looked decent enough and floated lazily over, her normal wing speed capacity of 340 wbpm, that's wing beats per minute for all you unfamiliar with the term, was now cut in half and risking her ability to stay aloft.

When Cindy reached the tree she grabbed a couple of leaves with her front feelers and carried them in with her to be used as a blanket. She sat in the small hole and sobbed herself to sleep. Cindy had a wonderful dream. It was of her, building up all of the confidence in her small Yanma body and going back to her village to stop Bartholomule, the evil dictator of their tribe. Bartholomule was a real jerk, he came in one day with his army of Scizors and Heracrosses and those nasty Vespiquens and told use he was gunna run our tribe. Before that we'd had a peaceful communism in which there was no government and all the food in the town was distributed evenly and so on and so forth. We tried to rebel, but the only people in our tribe who ever reached Bartholomule's Yanmega level had left and decided to travel with humans. This seemed silly to Cindy because what could be better than the tribe? But she figured it was something they figured out when they became Yanmegas. But back to the dream, Cindy fought valiantly but was just a tad too weak for Bart the Fart's power, the nickname she gave the meany. However, in the nick of time, Cindy's mother swooped down and used her razor sharp pinsor to cut his wings, tail, and head right off. Cindy watched in amazement. Her mother was beautiful, her crimson skin shined blindingly with the sun. Her black eyes were deeper than a bottomless pit, mesmerizing those who dared to look into them. Her spotless wings could reach over seventy trillion wing beats per second. She was the best Yanma that ever lived.

With Bart the fart dead all the Yanma children could return to the village and live with their mothers again. They'd play and sing and dance and have a good time all the time. Cindy and her mother would become the rulers of the tribe. They'd evolve too and become strong Yanmegas, but they'd stay in the tribe to keep protecting the Yanma's forever. Cindy would also meet a nice, genuine Yanma to marry her and they'd have 3 little children. Then her children, Cindy herself, her husband, and her mother would live and protect the people of the tribe as the strongest family ever.

Cindy's eyes were forced open suddenly. Something had awoken her, something unnatural in this area. She looked desperately around for any signs of life inside the tree. She seemed to be safe in her little wooden safehold for now. Then the sound repeated itself. It was like a rooowrf kinda sound that sharply cut the night silency. Cindy's skin crawled with fear as the echoing sound rushed towards her. Not daring to poke her head out, the dragonfly waited patiently for the sound to go away. However, this was in vain. The sound not only continued, but grew closer and louder. Tears began to drip down her face as she felt the pound of her heart.

The odd sounds grew closer as leaves and tree branches were shattered under the weight of whatever was approaching her. There seemed to be multiple creatures from the rapidity of the steps, but it could just have a lot of legs. Cindy wanted to know her hunter, but looking out would be suicide. She resisted her curiousity by making an image in her head. Ironically, this was one of the worst things she could've done at the time. She saw Bartholemule's men only larger and with meaner dangerous, grimacing faces. They're sharp crimson claws and glaring red eyes forced Cindy off the edge. She gave a slight wimper. It wasn't loud, but the extremely sensative ears of the closing prey could hear a pin drop. They turned around and rushed towards the area of the sound. The night air began to feel thick as the predators approached the prey. They're roooowf's grew in intensity and volume. The microscopic hairs on Cindy's bodies that helped her feel were standing on edge. She was done.

Then the sounds stopped. Breathing was all that could be heard as the creatures' steps slowed and loudened. Suddenly, the tree was struck, shaking the entire thing. Cindy yelped as she flew out into the night. The animals in front of her were like nothing she'd seen before. There were two four legged creatures, like in the stories, but they were smaller than she'd been told. Their orange fur was standing up, but in a different mood than Cindy's. They had a bad feeling in them as they made a grrrrrr. She looked over at the other monster. This one had only two legs, but it also had two arms. It's skin was very multicolored, with tan in some parts and reds and blues on other parts. At the top they had a small patch of fur. They were very strange.

Cindy cocked her head as she floated in the air, wondering what was going to happen. Then the two legger said something. It sounded like a word, but Cindy couldn't really understand it, until one of the four leggers started to inhale. A small flame was fired at the bug. Cindy panicked at first, but decided it would be in her best interest to dodge it so she speedily darted to the side. The fire blew past her and burned up the leaves of an unsuspecting tree.

Another word was said as the two began to run twoards her on the ground. Cindy wondered if they realized she was in the air and they were on the ground. She quickly realized they did know as one began to jump off the back of another when they drew closer. A head was shoved into a stomach as a bug fell to the ground. Cindy winced in pain as she tried to stand up, desperate to get back into the air. The attack had caught her by surprise. She racked her brain for anything her mother had said about battling. Something popped into her head, it was a risk, but it might work. She began to buzz, like she would when she didn't get the candy she wanted from her mother. Her mother always seemed to be flustered by this, Cindy hoped it would work.

The attacking four-leggers stopped in their tracks as they began to scratch their paining ears. Cindy felt success as she pulled her body off the rough ground. She continued with the sound, happily swinging from side to side. She liked being in control. Her joy was not long though, as the two-legger, who was also struggling to cover his ears, yelled something out that helped the four-leggers break out of the trance long enough to spit out more balls of fire. She noticed the attack just in time for an aglie dodge, but the fire balls had pulled me closer to the ground.

Before Cindy could realize her mistake, one of the two rushed towards her, its body roaring with flames. She was struck directly in the stomach as she felt a burn growing. Cindy tried to let out another buzz, but it had less emphasis and managed to only delay them for several seconds. She tried to think of another attack, but her mind was blank. The bug roughly remembered her father seperating into a whole bunch of Yanmas, but she wasn't sure how to do it. As the dragonfly stopped the buzzing she tried to imagine two of herself. An aura around formed her as she looked over to see a copy of herself. Cindy thought again of two of herself as she soon noticed there were four. The four-leggers became confused, but the two-legger told them something. They looked fiercely at the multiple Cindy's and started to shoot flame balls at each of them. Not liking to be burned, she dodged them, noticing that the copies, well copied her. Which sounds good, but they all dodged in the same fashion Cindy did, not paying attention to the bullets fired at them. She was quickly detected to be the real one as the fire balls were aimed at her.

Dodging the first couple, Cindy was eventually brought down by the barage. She felt her limp body looking over at the two legger, who was approaching her. Its legs made a swish as they rubbed against each other. Cindy's eyes felt heavy, watching in silence as the two legger advance towards her. It reached into a slip in its lower skin and pulled out a little ball. It looked like a fire ball, with a powerful red color and a blinding white on the bottom, but it clearly wasn't, or it would've burned itself. The two legger touched a small gray jutting out part in the center, which made the ball expand. It was now about the size of the creature's hand. It looked down at the ball as it raised an arm and tossed it. Cindy tried to dodge, or just move, but her body was too limp. She just watched as the metal object floated towards her. The first impact with the ball was rough, it felt like being punched. The pain jolted through her face as the ball bounced away. Cindy hoped that it was over, but her plea was lost. The ball stopped in the air and opened, Cindy felt her body being shrank as her arms and legs turned into a red beam. Tears ran down her cheeks as she tried to break free. Her head was spinning as she looked for an open body part. She looked at what she thought was her final vision. It wasn't so bad, a peaceful forest, with the four leggers sitting pown and heavily breathing, their pink tongues drooping out. The two legger watched with anxiousness as she slipped away from this dimension.

The last comprehendable thought before becoming pure energy was, "Mommy?"

The metal ball fell to to the ground with a soft thud as it wobbled back and forth, once, twice, and

Last edited by GreenRampage; 11-02-2008 at 11:02 PM.
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Old 11-02-2008, 11:04 PM
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Default Re: Yanmama! [Story Deal]


Just broke the minimum with that dramatic ending

Pokemon going for: Yanma
Difficulty: Medium
Character count: 10044
Character requirement: 10000-20000
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Old 11-04-2008, 09:11 PM
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Default Re: Yanmama! [Story Deal]

Basically a Yanma is very weak and finds Pokemon with a Trainer, they battle, etc. As Emma would say you have an easy way of telling a story; like a child’s book (that being a good thing of course!).

It’s a pretty simple plot that was, honestly, boring in the beginning, but you made it nice and different from what I expected. Difference of what is expected it obviously a good thing, so I thought I’d say that since not much I can say on your plot.

Oh and, for the small flashback it would be nice if you could italicize it, or change it to bold or something. D: The back story helped too, of course. If you hadn’t explained that I would have no clue what in hell you were talking about when you said the colony was weak or something. XD

How you started the story was really easy. You did it fast but it all kind of slipped together with your story. So this is good too. :P

This was okay, there were a few errors that I’m going to point out, but they’re nothing terribly bad. They just look like it’s the slang we use in today’s world.

She noticed the attack just in time for an aglie dodge, but the fire balls had pulled me closer to the ground.
You went from third-person to first person (she ŕ me), which you don’t want to do. Also you made a typo on “agile” but who care.

It was like a rooowrf kinda sound that sharply cut the night silency.
“Roowrf” technically isn’t a word but I’ll tell you about that later. “Kinda” would be turned into “kind of” since that’s proper. And “night silency” could be turned into “night’s silence” possibly.

There were some others but I don’t know where they are now… XD

Yea, whatever. <_<

There was a small amount of this, but at the same time it was very good. :P The small amount of detail you put into the story was easily pictured and I didn’t have to look up 80 letter words like I have to do sometimes. Simple and sweet; you seem to be good at doing that kind of stuff. I like it!

As I said about the “rooowrf,” technically its not a word and it would be better if you could use a simile or metaphor or something to say what the sound was like, something like this: “The noise that erupted from the silence was like a dog barking as the dust of dawn.” You know something that would make it easily understandable. And the same thing for the "grrrr" sound you mentioned.

I also liked how you used the emotions of characters, how she wanted to be strong but couldn’t. That always seems to get me, makes the stories so much more interesting.

This was awesome, really. Although I could see a more variety of moves used, but this is completely fine since you used that unique thing of the Pokemon jumping atop one another then attacking Yanma. Yea, that was really cool. XD People usually completely forget that they aren’t solely trapped into using only Pokemon moves, or that the Pokemon are in a white box.

That was also good, you used the leaves for a coverage on Yanma.


Final Outcome:
This was a bit on the lower-side, since I know what you can do. But since I liked the story and it was simple and sweet… Yanma captured! :P

EDIT: Ooh, I see. That makes so much more sense. xD

Last edited by The Jr Trainer; 11-08-2008 at 02:58 PM.
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Old 11-08-2008, 01:23 PM
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Default Re: Yanmama! [Story Deal]

Thanks so much Junior ^.^

Explaining the rooowf and the grrr, I wanted it to be like she's never heard of a dog before, so it was kinda like what she would've thought it sounded like. :P

Oh I was very frustrated during this story. I wrote the first half in third person and then randomly started writing in first person and I had to go all the way back and change half of the story back into third person. ><
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