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Old 10-21-2008, 12:32 PM
Riceeman's Avatar
Riceeman Offline
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Default The Silent Mountain - Chapter 1

Chapter 1 - A Tale of Two Burmy's
Characters without spaces: 6421
Aim to catch: Mareep

The wind tugged at Rhys's head of straw like hair. It was even the colour of straw, a mix between a bright golden yellow and a dirty brown. The owner of the hair walked casually along the steep dirt path that ran down the side of the mountain. Rhys had lived on the mountain all his life, and he had grew accustomed to the nagging breeze.

The path stated to flatten slightly, until it was flat. Rhys looked out to his left, smiling at the open space. There was a large plateau jutting out from the mountainside. On it were fields, separated by hedges and fences. Rhys walked to one such division, pushing open a gate and walking through into the grassy field.

There were 2 species kept in the fields. One was Miltank, who Rhys and his Dad milked regularly to give them milk to drink. The other was Mareep, whose wool was sheared and sold every so often. In this particular field which Rhys stood, golden fleeced Pokemon stood. They let small sparks off when they walked by each other, and their noisy bleating filled the air.

Rhys walked to a bench that was situated on the edge of the plateau. Far below, a bright blue river cut through a sea of green trees. Flocks of Starly and Tailow flew through the air, and in the distance, the sea sparkled under the shining sun. He sat casually on the bench, watching the flock to make sure they were not attacked by Mightyena or other predators.

A Burmy popped out of Rhys’s rucksack, and jumped onto Rhys’s shoulder. It’s cloak was slightly different to that of a normal Burmy. Here, leaves like Sycamore and Oak were scarce, and the leafiest foliage were gorse bushes and grass. As a result, Rhys’s Burmy, nicknamed Terra, was spiky and very dark green, with patches of brown gorse dotted around her cloak.

The morning passed uneventfully. Rhys had watched the sun rise across the sky, and he ate his lunch, consisting only of a sandwich, quickly. The only incident in the afternoon was a half-hearted attempt of poaching by a Poochyena. It had been chased off quite quickly by a hidden power from Terra.

The sun began to dip behind the mountain, and it was in that orange light that comes between daytime and nighttime that things got interesting. Rhys yawned slightly as Terra tried for the 56th time to jump over the hedge connecting this field with the next. An electrical sound, along with a flash of sparks, drew the little Burmy’s eyes away from it’s efforts, and it turned and made as much noise as it could to it’s owner. Rhys looked up, and Terra’s hidden arms dashed out for a split second, pointing at a huddle of Mareep.

Rhys stood up quickly and wandered to the gang of the sheep Pokemon. When he got closer, he realized that it wasn’t just a disorganized huddle, but actually a circle, enclosing a particularly large Mareep. It let out loud bleats, it’s eyes were wild and it’s wool crackled with powerful sparks. It suddenly shifted it’s fierce gaze towards Rhys, and it’s fleece erupted into a ball of electricity. It pawed it’s foot on the ground, and all of it’s fellow species quickly got out of the way, giving Rhys and the Mareep a lot of room.

“So” Rhys said calmly, fixing the Pokemon with his calm gaze, “You want a battle? Terra, use Tackle!” He cried the last command, pointing dramatically at the Mareep.

His Burmy burst from her position behind his legs, soaring towards the Blue skinned Sheep. The Mareep let out a great roar, the electricity in it’s fur exploding outwards in a powerful discharge attack.

“Protect!” Rhys called quickly. Gorse and Grass from the field suddenly flew up around Burmy, forming a protective barrier. The thunder blasted the shield, but it did not break. Burmy hit the ground before getting upright again. The Mareep was already moving though, and as it ran the orb situated on the end of it’s tail started to glow brightly. Suddenly, whole chunks of the field were lifted in the air, and then were tossed at the helpless Burmy.

“Power Gem” Muttered Rhys, before ordering his Burmy, “Protect again!” The plant shield once more formed around Burmy, and once again endured the Mareep’s powerful attack, “Now Terra” Rhys called, “Hidden power!”

Terra began to glow an intense blue, before the glow materialized into a giant, ethereal dragon that reared up and bared it’s fangs at the startled Mareep. Rhys gasped. Burmy had never managed a hidden power this strong, nor should a simple Burmy be able to make such a strong attack.

The dragon suddenly flew down on the golden sheep, causing the Mareep to be tossed to the ground a few feet away. The cerulean wyvern then shattered into thousands of fragments which landed at Rhys’s feet. He smiled as the Mareep got to it’s feet again. It’s wool began to crackle with electricity, and Rhys realized it was using charge.

“Terra, use tackle!” He cried, but it was too late. The Mareep unleashed a giant Thunder on to the bewildered Burmy, powered up greatly by charge. The yellow strands of lightning sent Burmy crashing into a rocky section of the field, filled with sand so that the Mareep could practice traversing mountainsides.

Terra let out a small sigh of pain, before slowly getting up. It’s black skin was charred even darker, but before it did anything else, it suddenly realized that the thunder had sent it’s cloak flying. Letting out a cry of distress, it’s arm whirled around at a breakneck pace, picking up the closest things to it, which happened to be sand and rocks. It hopped back onto the grass in it’s new cloak, ready to fight again, though much less so then when the battle had started.

The Mareep knew it had the upper hand, and once more, it shot giant streaks of lightning at the now brown Burmy. Rhys cursed, knowing that this was probably the final strike. The Thunder hit, sizzling around the Burmy, before it disappeared, crackling into nothingness. Terra was unscathed, and she chirped happily.

The truth finally dawned on Rhys. It was brilliant! The cloak switch had changed not only her look, but also Terra’s type. She was now of a Bug and Ground typing, so she was immune to electric attacks. His gaze was triumphant now as he pointed at the annoyed Mareep.

“Hit it with another Hidden Power!” Terra nodded at the command, and she started to glow blue again. Instead of a dragon though. It turned into a delicate blue rose, which suddenly whipped out with thorns, hitting the Mareep squarely on it’s blue skinned head. The Mareep gave a cry of pain, but Terra was already speeding forwards.

“Tackle!” Rhys called, and the plucky sand covered Burmy hit the Sheep Pokemon with a huge impact. It’s knees faltered slightly, but it stayed standing. Rhys realized that it would fight to the very end when on it’s feet. If he could some how get it onto it’s back…He gave another smile as he found the answer.

“Terra, run under the Mareep, use Protect and then jump upwards!” Terra gave Rhys a look, but obeyed anyway, dodging the large feet to get under the crackling fleece. Again, grass and other debris surrounded Terra. She gave one last look at Rhys, then the Burmy leapt in the air.

The startled Mareep was pushed upwards by the protective shield, and it was sent flying into the air a few feet. It came back down with a thud, rolling over onto it’s back, it’s face now fixed in a look of despair.

“Now, smother that Mareep!” Rhys shouted. Terra launched herself onto the Golden Sheep, landing with a thump. Her sandy cloak fell off, smothering the sparks of electricity. The Mareep, too exhausted to get up, weakly bleated, the ferocity gone from it’s character.

Rhys smiled, pulling out a Pokeball. He nonchalantly tossed it, as Terra got out the way and quickly refilled it’s cloak with bits of grass. The Mareep was absorbed into the Pokeball in a ray of red light, and Rhys watched it as it rocked backwards and forwards…

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Old 10-28-2008, 09:07 AM
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Default Re: The Silent Mountain - Chapter 1

Story/Plot: So, Rhys was a boy whom had stayed in the mountains all his life. Then, Rhys noticed that the Mareep were acting weird and found out that they were all surrounding a particularly larger Mareep. After that, Rhys decided to battle the Mareep since the Pokemon looked like it wanted one. This was rather interesting and when the group of Mareep was all surrounding the larger Mareep, it made me think that they were worshipping him. Also, it was a really good connection from how the Burmy noticed the weird formation and called out for Rhys’ attention. In other words, this was rather good, especially for it being your first story.

Introduction: The story started off with the depiction of Rhys’ hair and I felt that was nice to read. Then, we were introduced to the location of the story and the characters in a smooth manner. However, even though we know how his hair looks likes, we don’t know completely about other things. For example, what was he wearing? How old was he? You don’t always have to mention the age, but simple things like wrinkles or perhaps he ran around the field like a hyperactive kid, will always be a good estimation of his age. Since, I don’t know whether he is an old man or a young boy now. I mean, it is still possible for an old man to have only one Pokemon right? So, these things will be good additions to your story.

Grammar/Spelling: This was quite good, except for your punctuation and the 'its' problem.

"The wind tugged at Rhys's head of straw like hair."
That should be ‘straw-like’ so as to avoid any confusion, because ‘straw like’ will sound as if Rhys straw were like hair, which is wrong.

"There were 2 species kept in the fields."
Always spell out numbers unless they’re dates, so it will be ‘two’.

"It’s cloak was slightly different to that of a normal Burmy."
It's is a contraction for it is or it has.
Its is a possessive pronoun meaning, more or less, of it or belonging to it.
So, it’s should be changed to its. This was a major problem in your story. I tried listing them out all but it would be rather messy, so I think it would be better for you to either run it through a spelling check software or MS Words, or you can read it through again and identify the mistakes.

Just remember that it's should only be used if you're trying to say something like it is or it has, then it will be fine. However, if you're using trying to tell us that this item that belongs to a Pokemon, then you should use its.

"The sun began to dip behind the mountain, and it was in that orange light that comes between daytime and nighttime that things got interesting."
That should be night time instead.

So” Rhys said calmly, fixing the Pokemon with his calm gaze, “You want a battle? Terra, use Tackle!”
Needs a comma after 'So'.

“Power Gem...muttered Rhys, before ordering his Burmy, “Protect again!”
>>> Bolded are additions/changes for this sentence. Also, I feel that the underlined phrases were kind of awkward. Perhaps you can try to just give up the dialogue, so the entire changed sentence would look something like this;
"Power Gem..." Rhys muttered, before ordering his Burmy to use Protect again.

"She gave one last look at Rhys, then the Burmy leapt in the air."
You will want to either stick to 'it' or 'she' for Burmy, same goes for the other Pokemon through out the entire story. Try not to use 'it' at some point of time, and use 'she' at another point of time. Stick to one throughout the story.

Also, I noticed you had Hidden Power spelt as either 'hidden power' or 'Hidden power' sometimes. Keep it at Hidden Power and you're fine.

Length: Good enough.

Details/Description: You have really good vocabulary and that will be an advantage in this section. Basically, you're rather good here as well and I really like the way you describe things. A way to improve to be even better would be to describe things in all of the five senses. So far, you've touched on sight, go further and experiment with the other senses next time, and that'll make me very happy.

Battle: Probably one of the best of your sections as well. I especially liked the part where the Burmy's cloak dropped off, so he quickly went around to pick up things to make his cloak. Of course, this was a excellent animation of his special forms and I was really amazed at this. Furthermore, I understand that Burmy only knows three attacks so this was great when compared to that fact. Keep up the awesome job.

Outcome: What can I say? Every section was quite good, especially for the battle/description wise. Even though there was a major problem regarding the 'its', that can be easily fixed by reading through a second time after you've written everything. Without further ado, Mareep captured!!! I hope to see more stories coming from you!
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