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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 12-20-2008, 01:30 AM
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Post Shadow Quest

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Last edited by TreeckoFan; 11-24-2010 at 10:28 PM.
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  #2  
Old 01-02-2009, 03:21 AM
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Default Re: Shadow Quest: Chapter 1

This is good, actually...for a first story. It has flaws, but since the chapter isn't done yet I really can't say much. Personally I'm sick of extra-terrestrial junk, but since it's 3009, I guess it's okay. But I have some questions.

- If this is trhe far future, why don't you explain any futuristic stuff? They ride in limos, so I guess nothing's changed, except everybody's rich. Where do they grab something to eat? What kind of movie do they watch? This kind of stuff could add a bit to the character development.

- Is it past or present tense? You use "is" quite often, but at the beginning you make it clear it should be past tense.

- Whose house are they at!?

-Instead of saying "looked kind of like Kirby (capitalize, it's a name!)," you can say "looked stout and round. His feet resembled big, floppy shoes. It made him almost look like a popular video game character."

- His parents are dead? So who does Marr live with? His friends? Which one?

- What does the world look like? Is it always a polluted dark sky, or does it look just like the world today? What's the plantlive look like?

- Whenever you say "it's," it means "it is." So "it waved it's hand" would be "it waved it is hand." And that sounds weird, doesn't it?

This could be expanded on SO much...and it gives me the feeling to write something about alien life. So, for now, I can't say much, as I said earlier, but I'll look for the next part. =D
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  #3  
Old 01-15-2009, 01:50 AM
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Default Re: Shadow Quest (Re-Edited)

Quote:
"Hey!" Zan glared at Lan, "Well... Your a jerk!"
It should be you're.
Quote:
There he had murdered the Exicutioner, had his me follow him, and claimed the ship.
Earlier it says The Exicutioner, so to be correct with the name it needs to be capitalized here also.

Idea: 5/5
Plot: 4/5 (It starts a little too fast, and what happened to the original when they were talking for a bit before and after the "Earthquake"? That was good!)
Spelling: (I didn't really check that much but still -->) 4.5/5
Length: 5/5 (Good length, better than me...)

So overall it's good! ^^ Have fun writing more chapters!
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  #4  
Old 01-29-2009, 03:37 AM
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Default Re: Shadow Quest (Prolouge, Chapter 1, and more of 2)

This is getting very interesting. "Cube of Knowledge" I wonder what that is? It's getting more and more interesting! Keep it up! (And the more random, the better! xD) One thing that stuck in my mind though, how big is the cube? And what specific colors? Or is it just all? xD I don't know why I'm getting all crazy about it though... D=
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  #5  
Old 01-30-2009, 04:01 AM
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Default Re: Shadow Quest (Prolouge, Chapter 1 and 2)

One mistake I happened to catch:
Quote:
"I'll fight hard for my land, my king, and for you Crystal!"
There should be a comma between "you" and "Crystal"...

Getting more interesting! xD Leaves me curious with how the Fluffys look. And that's the first time I've ever seen a story where a "magic" staff attacks it's user. xD Keep it up!
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  #6  
Old 03-20-2009, 12:00 PM
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Default Re: Shadow Quest: PG-13 (up to chapter 5)

I must say, this sounds really good! I love the description in the prolouge too, really gave me a feel of the situation. Although I prefer pokemon only fan fics this one sounds like it has promise! Keep it up!!
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  #7  
Old 09-18-2009, 12:35 AM
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Default Re: Shadow Quest: PG-13 (up to chapter 5)

Hmm, well, from what I saw, you could use a bit more description in some areas. I just browsed through (strapped for time doing other things), but from what I've seen, this looks rather interesting. You've got a nice chapter length, and the plot moves right along to where you don't get bored in the middle. I'll take the time to do an in-depth error check soon, but I like what I've seen so far; keep up the good work.
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  #8  
Old 09-29-2009, 11:21 PM
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Default Re: Shadow Quest (chapter 5)

Phew. Finally got this review you wanted done.

Prologue Pt. One: Looks much better this time around. Good job. But if a mansion is levitating, why would an earthquake affect it, I wonder? Check the spelling and grammar, and maybe read this aloud to check if it sounds right. And while doing so, don't create imaginary commas and what-not. And one last thing: what do herbs have to do with movies, and what particular movie were they watching and on what kind of screen, in what kind of room? Give us a slightly clearer vision of the future.

Pt. Two: Again, fully check over and improve grammar and spelling. You tend to use your instead of you're and it's instead of its. Common mistakes, they be. Also, before a quote press Enter TWO times ALWAYS. And "stronger, smarter and capable" should have MORE capable in it. Watch what you capitalize. The alien species are neat, methinks, though I don't get why they all share the same dialect, and have no alien accents. That would be awesome. At the end of quotes, be sure to include commas if not other punctuation. You sometimes leave your quotes with no punctuation.

Ch. One: Much less errors in this one. Now that the story is picking up I quite enjoy the adventure feel, even if the main character is cocky and that's bad. *points to "HA THIS IS GONNA BE EASY"* Still a few grammatical issues, but overall really nice. On the other hand, Wormasaur would mean something along the lines of 'worm lizard', and that's really odd and kind of gimmicky, especially since this worm doesn't have scales. Perhaps the giant carnivorous worm would sound funny just the same?

Ch. Two: Once again, less errors, still a very fun read. And once again the grammar could use a quick touching-up, but nothing stranger danger.

Ch. Three: Interesting to see this from the point of view of both the Bubbles and the Fluffys. Once again, grammatical missteps (loosing instead of losing, '...and The rest looked like leopards...'), and maybe a bit more description in the fusion process.

Ch. Four Pt. One: 'She has barley known about the Fluffys' is very funny to me. Barley is a type of wheat, mebelieves, and has should be in past and not present-tense, which would be had. Barley really got me. And '...each one two looking...' was something else you should edit. Each quote or person saying something should have their own paragraph, yo. Also about quotes, don't say, ' "Hi." He said.' Instead say ' "Hi," he said.' Again a few more grammatical errors, but I won't go into detail, except NEVAH put a period directly after a quote.

This is getting really interesting. I'm gonna have to side with the Fluffys' story on this one. Oops! I was wrong, heh heh.

Pt. Two: Misspellings and not the best grammar again, and also try to use some more commas and less redundancy in terms of, "He stood up. He laughed. He danced. He did blah-blah..." You also keep using it's instead of its, and once said Loen instead of Leon. Also, reatched!?

That three-chapter arc was good. Well thought-out (mostly, will get to that in a sec), and you obviously put a lot of effort into this story. On the other hand, why are their gods just fifty-foot-tall monstrous versions of themselves? Why do they go away right after saying they never died? Awfully queer... I don't quite understand the centipede thing, either. He came and he...just kind of died after Leon slashed him. He died more easily than the lion! I know there were two other armies fighting it, but that was sort of a letdown and the action wasn't too clear.

Ch. Five Pt. One: After a dash, don't capitalize. When someone thinks, use italics and not quotation marks. Beware of redundancy. 'There wasn't any roads' should be 'There were no roads'. 'The guards looked like a man' should be 'The guard looked like a man'. 'I fit him pretty well' should be 'It fit him pretty well'. Overall, sounds like an interesting setup.

Wait, what the heck happened to Zak? I know it's about time to get back to Marr and his current saga concludes in the same chapter it's introduced, but it seems like you completely forgot about Zak. Unless you have something planned...

Pt. Two (third post): By the end of school, wasn't Marr's outfit already on? 'As fast of a gun' should be 'as fast as a gun'. 'Strait' should be 'straight'. Remember, commas are your friends and you should use them more often. Some sentences are almost run-ons. A head can't thrust its head, it's already a head. Sometimes you should separate sentences and not shove more commas in, so watch for that delicate balance. Why would Zore DESTROY the pillar Sam was hiding behind? Even if it was to show his rage, why would a king do that to his kingdom? Wouldn't it start to collapse or something? Again, watch out for that grammar and make sure your action is clear.

Pt. Three: You accidentally failed at indenting. Celia fails at not teaching Marr magic. If she loves him, why doesn't she teach him the magic at first? Why does she just say 'nope'?

Pt. Four: Again, beware of redundancy. 'A matter of was stronger than the other' must be fixed, or else. If he won, does he really need to push...something into Zore? What does that even mean? You can carefully NOT do something!? 'I shall ask you one more' should have 'once more' in it instead.

How do you think Zore's kingdom will react when they say 'OH NO ZORE IS GONE LETS SEARCH AROUND THE UNIVERSE' and later 'WE FOUND ZORE LETS KILL HIM'? He could have sent an announcement to the planet before leaving. Other than that, the story for this chapter was alright, only Zore cutting down pillars that had no reason for existing is...weird.



OVERALL: The storyline is a nice, kewl adventure at heart. That aside, I'd like to see more unique aliens. Plasma beings? Huge guys? Small guys? Big insect-like things? I wouldn't expect to see beings on most planets looking really similar to humans or hornets without explanation.

Also, the grammar keeps tripping on rocks in the road. You should fix that, y'know.

Much better than the prologue I read a while ago, but still needs work.

And again, what happened to that guy Zak? Or Zack, whatever it was.
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  #9  
Old 10-17-2009, 05:38 PM
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Default Re: Shadow Quest (Chapter 6)

Well, I've finished reading the sixth chapter (you should really edit the title of this topic to show that, it still says "Chapter 5 finished"), and the grammar's better, but I think quotes should look more like this...

"Blahblahblah," he whispered. "Maybe blah-" He paused, then continued, "-and blah blah."

"Blah." He smirked.

But about the chapter itself. Wow, the Shadow Master is cocky if he doesn't have guards protecting his base. I thought his appearance was a bit of a disappointment, but that's just me. Maybe there's some stuff about true forms and what-not. I would like to see some sort of story behind Faaru, Daaru and Baaru (by the way, once you spelled it "BARRU"), because they don't make much sense to me, especially Daaru. And very special armor sounds weird coming from a guy named Shadow Master, but hey, let's go with it and see what happens next.

So overall, I think I need to read another chapter to really judge it. So write the seventh chapter and we'll see what happens.
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  #10  
Old 10-22-2009, 08:57 PM
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Default Re: Shadow Quest

I love your story, but can you make a Table of Contents so people don't have to look through every post for the chapter or chapter part they want to read?

~VV~
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[12:38:20 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH" <---- Yup.
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."
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