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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 01-03-2009, 03:17 PM
Alana Marie's Avatar
Alana Marie Offline
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,431
Default Trained by Pokemon: Buizel the Bored

So, this is my first URPG story. I am not all the confidant with my writing, but love to do it. So, here goes:

Overveiw


This is a simple story of a girl and her Pokemon, however the two seem to have opposite roles. The Pokemon being more commanding and controlling then the trainer, and the trainer not wishing to do as she is told. Alana (trainer) and Chanztarr (Charmander) start out in a cave. Where Chanztarr is stuck in a hole, a Buizel happens along and finds their squabbling interesting. And decides to help the Charmander out of the hole, but requests a battle in return. The new trainer and her Pokemon jump at the chance.


Trained by Pokemon: Buizel the Bored

“Alana!!” the soft, clipped voice of a Charmander rose from the ground. In fact, straight from the ground, no Charmander was in sight.

“Er…Chanztarr?” a girl (Alana most likely, being as she was the only person around) inquired, hesitating as her head of golden brown hair flung about in search of the small Charmander.

“Alana! Use your eyes, hole, 2 feet away” Chanztarr commanded, acting more like the trainer then Alana was. “…Why do I even try with her” he muttered under his breath.

Alana twisted around and checked her a feet, a small, pitch black hole, seemingly reaching down to the very depths of the earth. Alana squatted on her knees and peered down into the hole. Down at the bottom sat a red blob, completely unrecognizable had it not been for the voice coming out of it earlier.

Down…down…down, at the bottom of the hole, Chanztarr sat muttering to himself. He was a small Charmander, no unusual marking, but perhaps he would now have a scar from the rock protruding into his left leg. Chanztarr was a noble Pokemon, much more mature and intellectual then most Charmander’s. and took it upon himself to school his trainer in how to be a proper young lady. Of course, it was all in vain. A girl like that was un-teachable. If she was a Pokemon, her nature would be a imp. But Chanztarr was left in her hands for any chance of escape. And he really wanted out of there, that rock poking his leg was getting rather annoying

Alana sensed her Pokemon’s annoyance and leaned closer into the hole, even with such a thin frame as her (almost unhealthily so, though the girl was a pig when it came to eating) she would not fit down the hole. Chanztarr was in a odd position, his head and shoulders supporting the rest of his body. His head and shoulders were at the bottom and his small, pad like, feet were above him, his tail trapped beneath his own weight. Chanztarr resorted to the fetal position so the strain was not as hard on his head and neck.

“Can you attempt to light your tale Chanzzy?” Alana called down.

Chanztarr rolled his eyes, at both the stupidity of the question, and the name that followed it. “No, Alana.” he stated firmly, each mouth movement sent a fit of dust down his throat. “I would have tried it already, its stuck beneath me”

“Oh…” Alana blanched as she wracked her ADHD riddled brain for a way to get him out. Maybe she cou-“How did you get down there anyways?” and of course distraction settled over her muddled brain.

“I fell alright, now, GET ME OUTTA HERE!” the fury sent little rocks clattering onto the Charmander’s fuming skull. He groaned and rubbed the dust from his eye. If this was his rescue team, he would be in there for a while.

“Mr.Snipnsipsippityton is forgetting who is saving his flaming lil’ butt now aint he?” Alana commented. Chanztarr growled, Alana hissed.

This was, for the most part, the constant of their relationship as trainer and Pokemon, useless fighting coupled with childish tactics. How naïve, and yet oh so interesting. Interesting, enough, say for a wild Pokemon’s interest to become peaked?

Sleek, orange, carefully is slunk, positioning its long, barrel like body behind a rock. Its otter-like-face peering around the boulder and towards the squabbling couple. The Pokemon’s eyebrows raised suspiciously, of all the Pokemon and trainers he had seen, these were the most odd. It was like they had switched roles. Buizel’s noticed the hole, it had been dug by a prankster Dugtrio that was constantly causing trouble for trainers. Buizel clearly saw that the Charmander was never getting out on its own.

An idea, sparked within the frontal lobe of its large brain. While the two seemed to enjoy quarreling, he reckoned the two were handsome battlers. And if we got them out maybe they would fancy a battle? Buizel’s nose tickled with excitement, he had not battled in over 3 hours! Oh how this Buizel did love to battle!

He slunk his tangerine body over to another hole, directly attached to the very hole Charmander was in (albeit a small, thing, layer of dirt separate them). Buizel stuck his long snout down the hole, the black, cool, dirt clinging to it and let fly a massive watergun.

Water, it rumbled through the tunnel like the pipes of a shower, twisting and turning, kidnapping dirt from the tunnel walls and spiraling it along with the watergun. Pretty soon the clear, clean and fresh water that had left Buizel’s maw only seconds ago was black, dirty and horrifically reminiscent of Willy Wonka’s chocolate river. The water spiraled through the tunnels, little rock chunks and dirt specks danced around in it. The watergun, (well, not it appeared to be a mud shot) reached the small wall separated to two tunnels and put on the pressure. The water eating away at the wall’s dirty form.

Chanztarr felt the ground rumbling around him, and the soft lapping of water around him. “Not good.” he muttered. Alana peered down to him

“What’s going on?” she questioned. A small trickle of water opened through the wall, the Charmander’s face turned almost white.

“Flood!” he screeched as the muddy water broke through, he had barley enough time to hold his breath before he was submersed in the muddy fluid. At first, he would not budge, not even the slightest fidget. But the water began to erode the tunnel walls. He wiggled himself free and was shot to the top by rushing water. His world was a swirl of black and brown, and a murky light.

Alana was mortified, a bubbling lake of dirt and mud jumped upwards from the tunnel and Chanztarr was lost from her view. The gloppy blob just kept spiraling out of the tunnel but nothing came with it. After a minute, she hysterically fell to her knees and waded through it, searching for her Charmander. She screamed his name over and over, struggling against the thick, and gloppy goo. It was like quick sand almost. It was not pulling in her, but it was coating her clothes, making movement difficult, it rose higher and higher and was up to her chest now. She sifted through it desperately.

Plop followed by a desperate noise of air swishing through lungs. Alana turned her head over to the noise, and there was Chanztarr, coated in mud and trying to breath. Alana scrambled over as fast as the giant mud pit would let her and tackled the Charmander to the ground, hugging the air out of him.

“Your safe!!” she screamed planting kisses all over his smooth head.

“And covered in mud” Added Charmander. “How did this happen?”

Buizel ended the water gun when Chanztarr was safely above the mud. Time for his battle. The fast Pokemon jumped from behind the rock with a confidant “Buuuiiiizzzeeeeeelllllll” a stance of the gods in his body language.

“Er….” Alana raised a eyebrow. “A..Buizel? I bet she did this. She saved you Chanztarr!”

Buizel’s face fell and he wished he could speak to the girl and correct her that he was, in fact, a male.

“Alana, he is a he” Chanztarr groaned.

“Oh.”

“Buiiiiiiz! Zelzelzel! Eeeeelelelelelellele!” The Buizel roared cockily.

“He said he saved me, but in return….wants a battle?” the Charmander translated. “So, want to give it a try?”

Alana jumped up triumphantly. “Let’s do this!” she screamed, fist pumping.

Buizel thought it an odd sight. The girl was tall and slim, wearing jeans and a bright yellow shirt. Both of which now coated in mud, her hair was down with globs of mud strayed through it and a scratch or two on her face from the stray rock in the mud. But besides all this she stared fiercely at the Buizel with crystal blue eyes. Most girls would be freaked about the whole mud thing.

“Ready when you are Chanzzy” She stated. The Charmander groaned at the name but jumped into ready position, a smirk on his face. “Your move Buizel.”

Buizel jumped into action, spiraling in the air and throwing a watergun at the Charmander. It hurtled towards them, hitting dead on. After the water settled Chanzzy was standing there shaking his face. The attack had hit and hard, and while it had a bad effect on Chanztarr he grinned.

“Thanks for the wash.” he stated igniting his tail.

“Chanztarr jump in the air and use scratch!”

He obliged, the muscles on his thigh rippled and he sprung upwards, like a falcon he angled down, claws outstretched. Buizel jumped to the side, avoiding the attack and sending Chanzzy’s claws digging into the ground, a rattle of pain went up the Charmander’s arm as his attack struck, but not his intended target. Buizel twisted, his tail connecting with Chanztarr’s back. The Charmander fell forward, but spun around and grabbed the tail.

“Throw him!” Alana screeched, caught up in the heat of battle. It was a wondrous place to battle, it was dank and dark. Shaft’s of light filtered down from the ceiling onto the floor creating a patchwork effect. Somewhat like a chess board. Alana Imagined in her mind it was a game of chess. To keep herself focused.

Chanztarr flung the Buizel across the ground, it skirted about like a stone thrown over water and landed in the pool of mud.

He jumped out of the mud, like a angry swamp monster, trying to kill a helpless village girl. And lunged towards the Charmander, using bite.

“Dodge and use Metal Claw!”

He jumped up, landing behind Buizel. The water Pokemon tried to turn around, but the mud was slowing it down. Chanztarr delivered the attack, knocking Buizel to the ground.

“Fire fang go!”

Flames surrounded the Charmander’s mouth as he lunged, his flaming maw clamped around Buizel’s torso. Buizel let out a growl and punched the Charmander in his face. Chanztarr fell back, rubbing his snout.

That’s going to bruise he thought, BOOM Chanzzy smashed against the wall, Buizel’s paw around his throat. Buizel’s mouth bubbled, a Bubbelbeam was on its way, forming it the fanged mouth of Chanztarr’s opponent.

Alana though fast: “Flamethrower!”

Both Pokemon opened their mouth, but the flames came first, evaporating the bubbles and knocking Buizel back to the opposite wall, his head banging on the cold, smooth surface. The body of Buizel lay crumpled, as it struggled to get up. Alana threw a great ball at the nearly done Pokemon. Its greenish-blue coating glistening in the light.

A red, bright light, reached out and grabbed the Buizel, like a alien abductor, sealing it inside. Its casing shook once to the left, then once again to the right then fell back the other way.

“Come on!” Alana whispered, this would be her first caught Pokemon. Chanztarr looked with pleading eyes, if Alana did not make this, she would be crushed.


Character Count: 10628
Level of Capture: Simple
Going After: Buizel
Status: Completed and ready for grading.
__________________
Wat.

Last edited by Alana Marie; 01-04-2009 at 09:23 PM.
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  #2  
Old 01-06-2009, 10:22 AM
Splishee Offline
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Default Re: Trained by Pokemon: Buizel the Bored [[A garde would be nice, if possible]]

GRADE

Haha, “Chanztarr looked with pleading eyes”. Good work trying to use the puppy-dog-eyes approach on me!

Plot

The plot was strange for me to grade. I mean, I say that mostly in a good way. Basically, there is a girl named Alana and her Pokemon fell down a hole, and a rogue Buizel decides that he wants to battle with them. But the only way to battle would be to rescue the Pokemon! So after the rescue, they battle, and Buizel is defeated.

The plot seems so simple when typing it out like that, but there really wasn’t anything simple about it. It seems easily thought of, but I don’t think many people have used a plot with that much abnormality. For one, using a character of a Pokemon who is bloodthirsty for a battle but somewhat righteous at the same time, rescuing a Pokemon in order to battle him is pretty abnormal. And I liked how you incorporated the character Alana’s quirky nature in creating the humour and irony with the Pokemon overruling the trainer. It was very cute. :]

Overall, I liked your plot. It was different than the norm, which is definitely something that you want to aim for in these stories. :o

OH, and I also loved how you changed the POV from Alana to Charmander to Buizel to Alana to Charmander to Alana… it was skilfully done, and wasn’t jerky or weird like that can often be. You did it well. Kudos! :o

Introduction

Haha, a very quirky beginning that meshed well with the overall quirkiness of the rest of the story. It started off with a Charmander being caught in a hole and being severely angry with his trainer that is doing nothing ahout it. You introduced your characters nicely, capturing Alana’s amateurism in the way she handled the situation and Charmander’s taking control of the situation. Nicely done, xD.

Although, if I can offer some critism despite how much I liked the beginning, I think you could have given some more description on the landscape and even Alana’s appearance. Alana wasn’t really described until later on in the story, and although later descriptions are usually okay, it wasn’t until the very end. You don’t want to leave it that long for the reader to find out how exactly a character looks, it leaves a kind of blank image in their mind.

Length

Yeah, just on the maximum for the recommendations. No complaints, you did your research. GOOD WORK! :D

Grammar

Your grammar puzzled me when reading this story. You seem to have a good grasp on relatively all grammar, yet there were a lot of mistakes in the story that I wasn’t sure were just out of lack of knowledge or laziness or… something else? I don’t know, it just confused me a little.

Firstly, there were a lot of typos. A lot. The typos weren’t the kind to be picked up by Microsoft Word, either. They were things such as typing ’we’ instead of ’he’, both words, but obviously typos. Going over your writing once or twice can prevent these confusing mistakes. Here are some examples of them to give you a better idea:

Quote:
And if we got them out maybe they would fancy a battle?
Supposed to be ‘he’? :x

Quote:
(albeit a small, thing, layer of dirt separate them)
I’m assuming that’s supposed to be ‘thin’. xD

Quote:
and there was Chanztarr, coated in mud and trying to breath
In that context, ‘breath’ would be ‘breathe’. Since you can’t ‘breath’, you’d take a ‘breath’. And you ‘breathe’. That’s the verb. Okay, I’m confusing myself. XD

Um, yeah, those are just 3 of them, and there are quite a lot of those silly ones. :x. Don’t worry, they’re not the hugest deal in the grammar department, but just watch out for silly things like that in future stories.

Now, the big stuff I think you may not realise you’re doing and how to fix ‘em. :]

Quote:
Plop followed by a desperate noise of air swishing through lungs
‘Plop’ is something we call an onomatopoeia (long words are cool). Usually, when they are describing a noise that something makes or something similar, they need to be within apostraphes ( ‘ ‘ those things for the people that get names mixed up like me D: ). So, ‘plop’. xD Some onomatopoeias are okay without them, but who really needs a huge grammar lesson? D:

Quote:
Buizel jumped to the side, avoiding the attack and sending Chanzzy’s claws digging into the ground, a rattle of pain went up the Charmander’s arm as his attack struck, but not his intended target.
‘Kay, umm, I’m not meaning to be a lame grammar nazi here, but I really am saying all this to help you avoid more annoying graders in the future.

That quote up there is quite awkward in the sentence structure. In a lot of sentences, it seems you either overuse your commas or underuse them, adding full stops in random places where a comma would suffice. Commas are tricky to master, as their usage has so many random rules and are complex.

Basically, there shouldn’t be a comma after ‘ground’. You kind of started a new topic that needs a new sentence when ‘a rattle of pain’ came into it. Basically, it went from describing buizel’s actions, and his claw going into Charmander, and then rushing onto Charmander’s reaction. Unless you had put ‘into the ground, causing a rattle of pain to shoot up Charmander’s arm’, there really should be a full stop as it seemed like you were abruptly shooting into a new topic that needs a sentence.

Wow, that sounds confusing. Basically, if you’re continuing on about something else whilst in a sentence and not adding it onto the statement previous (such as: ‘I saw that the sun was bright, grass grows taller’ as opposed to ‘I saw the sun was bright, which caused the grass to grow taller.’), you should put a full stop instead. It’s just neater.

That was a long explanation, and it kind of hurt my head. I hope you can make sense out of it…

Quote:
“No, Alana.” he stated firmly, each mouth movement sent a fit of dust down his throat.
Something almost everyone forgets or just has trouble with. Since speech and the ajoining ‘he said’ or whatever after it is actually in the same sentence, there shouldn’t be full stops before the closing “ things. Exclaimation marks and question marks are fine, but they are supplements for commas instead of full stops in this situation. So, grammatically, it should be:

“No, Alana,” he stated firmly. (yadda yadda).

Okay? OKAY!

Wow, that was long. I feel kind of bad for droning on for so long because, really, your grammar was fine. There was nothing HUGE that really bugged me, and the story was able to flow fine for the most part. But those biggies listed can make it frustrating to read at times, so keep ‘em in mind for future stories.

Description

Don’t really have anything to say here. Your description was pretty much perfect. Your vocabulary is awesome, you’re able to paint the picture, show not tell, yadda yadda yadda. Good work, you obviously have a lot of talent for writing. :]

However, like I said in the Introduction part of the grade, describing the surroundings and ‘setting the scene’ really help give the reader a better view of what’s happening, which is a good thing to have in stories. Since landscape description was kind of lacking, keep that in mind. Otherwise, fantastic description. Well done :D

Battle

No complaints here, everything in the battle was great. You had a good mix of Pokemon attacks, the Pokemon’s emotions and usage of the scenery was excellent. A lot of people simply put in the Pokemon attacks and the trainer barking orders, which isn’t that exciting and is quite generic. I like how you included the Pokemon reacting by punching the other away and such, making the characters seem more real other than generic fighting machines programmed to only use certain moves. And the emotions, such as Alana’s excitement, were great. Yeah, it was just all-round good. I’ll stop rambling on now. D:

Overall

What can I say? A great story; everything was extremely above par (or… below? Isn’t that better in golf? :x) for a simple Pokemon like Buizel. Because of that, YOU FAIL.

Just kidding. You pass! :]
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