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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 01-03-2009, 07:58 PM
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Default Bugs

Bugs

Only two types of people ever come to the metropolis known as Veridian city. People who want to challenge the local gyms, or trainers heading into the forest to the north. Both beginning trainers and advanced trainers passed through the city from time to time. One of those trainers was called Tommy.

The small stout boy was a newer trainer that was passing though the city. He had received his unconventional starter Pokémon started just three day earlier. Fending off the hoards of Pidgey and Rattata, Tommy and his Nincada had stumbled into the city late at night. The two got to the Pokecenter, with Tommy’s brown hair caked with mud and the tiny bug Pokémon exhausted. A quick night’s rest, both were sort of rested, and only a little tired.

The stubby eleven-year-old walked out of the Pokémon center in the early morning with a tiny red and white sphere clenched in his hands. He had a shrewd idea what he would do. Tommy knew a gym existed in the city of Viridian. Despite how new of a trainer he was, Tommy still believed that he had a shot against the gym leader.

The breeze ruffled the boy’s untidy hair and orange jacket as he approached the massive brown building. Clenching the ball harder he moved towards the square building, across a large empty brown field. Nothing was there, except for a giant, lone oak tree. Breathing fast, Tommy grabbed the handle of the door, only to be interrupted by a loud, high pitched voice.

“What are you doing?” it said.

Tommy whipped around to see the intruder. A girl with shoulder length brown hair and a bright yellow shirt stood about a foot away from him. She wore a pair of brightly colored red socks and a pair of jeans that barely made it past her knees. He hands rested on her hips, and she wore a scowl on her face. Her black eyes glared at Tommy, before she spoke again.

“What are you doing?” she repeated.

“What does it look like I’m doing,” said Tommy, annoyed. “I’m going to challenge the gym!”

The girl scoffed. “Can’t you read!?” she yelled. “It’s closed.” She pointed to a small white piece of paper pinned up on the door. It read: “Gym retired. Look at the Pokémon center for leader app.”

“Oh,” muttered Tommy.

“Besides,” said the girl, “you wouldn’t stand a chance against him. I can tell by your looks that you don’t have much experience. You probably don’t have more than one Pokémon!”

Tommy felt a twinge of anger. “Oh yeah?” he growled. “How’d you figure that out, genius?”

“So I’m right?” said the girl, smiling.

“Wha-,” the boy started angrily. Then he stopped. “Yeah I only have one.” The girl smiled. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not good!” he yelled.

“Oh yeah?” said the girl, still grinning. “Prove it,” she said.

“Ok, I will! Just tell me what to do,” said Tommy. He gripped his Pokeball harder.

“Alright,” said the girl. She paused for a moment and looked around. “See that tree?” she asked. Tommy nodded. “There’s a Kircketot in there. Catch it,” she told the boy.

The boy grinned. “No problem!” he said. “That’ll be easy!” He paused though, suddenly remembering something. “I’ll need a Pokeball then,” he said, holding out his pudgy hand to the girl.

The girl almost laughed. ”You don’t even have Pokeballs! Jeez, and you thought you could beat a gym!” she reluctantly handed over a small red and white ball, still wearing a satisfied smile.

Tommy snatched it from her, and stuck it into the pocket of his baggy jeans. Then he took the other ball that he had earlier and threw in towards the tree. “Go! Nincada!” he yelled.

The ball flew through the air until it hit the ground and exploded, showering the field with a blast of bright white light. A startled squeal came from the oak tree, followed by a thud, as Tommy, and the girl shielded their eyes from the light. In the wake of the light, stood a small white bug with a pair of huge black eyes and a large brown claws poking out of a hard shell. The bug held its body up with two more sets of small legs. A small protrusion from under its eyes moved slightly, making a clicking sound, stirring a small pink object that stood at the base of the large oak tree.

This bug stood up with pairs of stubby little legs, and a yellow round band wrapping around its head. Its little eyes darted around the area, trying to avoid Nincada. Two little black stalks protruded out of his head from above his eyes.

“That bug looks funny,” said Tommy, frowning. Suddenly, the bug launched itself forward, smashing its head into Nincada. The white bug screeched, and Tommy launched into action. “Scratch attack!” he yelled.

As Kircketot moved out, Nincada raised his claws, striking it twice across its face, leaving dark slash marks on it. The little bug tumbled backwards, and Nincada pounced again, hitting it three more times, with vicious scratching.

“Good job!”Yelled Tommy. Nincada stopped and moved back. Kricketot fired itself forward with another Tackle attack. Nincada moved to the side, and the pink bug whirled past it. They turned to face each other. Kircketot did not hesitate before firing himself at Nincada again. Nincada did not have any time to move. Kircketot slammed into him, knocking him backwards. The white bug flipped over in the air, landing on his back. Tommy groaned, as Nincada flailed around like he was a turtle.

Kricketot grinned, before hitting Nincada twice more. Each strike was met with screeches of pain from Nincada. Though he could not really move, Nincada was not out. His limbs were still flailing wildly, but it still couldn’t get right side up, despite yells of encouragement from Tommy.

Gathering its strength, Kircketot waited a moment before charging. The tiny bug waddled forward amazingly fast, blasting the white bug in the large oak tree with an awful thud. The entire tree shook, as Nincada flopped down to the base of the tree, leaving a crack.

“See?” said the girl. “You wouldn’t have stood a chance against the gy-“She stopped. There was a snap from above, as a low lying branch fell from the tree landing on the little pink bug. It yelped in pain and tumbled to the floor.

“Wow!” said the girl and Tommy at the same time. There was a short pause and instantly the girl began to protest.

“That doesn’t really count! The Bide attack didn’t work right, and it backfired!” she stomped angrily on the ground, and crossed her arms.

“I won fair and square, so be quiet,” replied Tommy grinning. ”And what do you mean the Bide didn't work right?”

“After the scratch attack, it should have released its stored energy then, but it held it in until the last attack,” she explained quickly, sounding upset.

“Oh,” said Tommy, not really understanding what she meant.

“Just catch it already!” she yelled. She dropped her upset attitude and said, “Bet you won’t get it anyways!”

Tommy just laughed, and tossed the ball. The Pokémon disappeared in flash of red light.


Lolitfails
6,859 Characters. For Kricketot. :D I needed something for the WWC D:
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Last edited by Leman; 01-17-2009 at 11:53 PM.
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  #2  
Old 01-10-2009, 09:01 AM
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Default Re: Bugs WWC

Code:
Initiating Steak House Grading Protocol
Introduction

This was not too bad. You hooked me with the description of Viridian, and your introduction of Tommy is pretty good. He may be small, but you instantly gave me the impression that he's a tough hotshot trainer.

Well-done. :D Distinction.

Plot

This was simple, and to be honest, a little boring. Thankfully I haven't read any sub-par fanfiction for a long, long time, so I'm cool. :x (When I'm reminded of those things, I tend to do violent things. Like failing people.) I mean like, girl meets boy. Girl riles boy. Boy does stuff. I can't remember how many times this has happened to Ash in the anime. :x One rather glaring flaw in your story is that the girl isn't given much of a background, especially since her involvement in the plot is really pivotal. I mean, she's the one that gets Tommy to go whip the Kricketot one and capture it. A name at least would have been nice. :x

Well, it's a Kricketot. Meh. Take a Medium steak with a Pass.

Grammar/Spelling

This is where I rant long and hard. You lack proofreading! See here:

Quote:
Fending off the hoards of Pidgey and Rattata, Tommy and his Nincada had stumbled into the city late at night. The two got to the Pokecenter, with Tommy’s brown hair caked with mud and the tiny bug Pokémon exhausted. A quick night’s rest, both were sort of rested, and only a little tired.
The first one is hordes. And for the second bolded area... Ouch. You want to put an "After" at the beginning of the sentence to make the sequence of events evident. i.e. After a quick night's rest, both were sort of rested, and only a little tired. After that, you might want to reword the sentence. If they are "sort of rested", there's no need to tell us they are "a little tired" since "sort of rested" tells us they were not totally rested. If you want to remove "sort of rested" instead, keep in mind that you want to change "and only a little tired" to "but still a little tired". Okay, so the second bolded area wasn't actually a proofreading-avoidable mistake, but still.

Also, look here:

Quote:
Gathering its strength, Kircketot waited a moment before charging.
I think you know what's wrong here. Third time's the charm:

Quote:
“Good job!”Yelled Tommy.
Yeah. I believe I have sufficiently proved my point about lack of proofreading.

This sentence is kinda screwy too:

Quote:
“Gym retired. Look at the Pokémon center for leader app.
You should try "Ask at" or "Look in". "Look at the Pokemon Centre" implies that if I just turn around and look at the walls of the Pokemon Centre building, I'll see some poster advertising the open Gym Leader position, which is obviously not the case since Tommy missed it. And try not to use short-forms please, there are people that don't understand simple abbrieviations. I doubt an official notice will have short-forms anyway. :x

You missed a hyphen on "low-lying branch" somewhere, so yeah.

Your comma placement is a bit dodgy, but I'm too lazy to elaborate at the moment. Hurhur. Go look over it yourself.

I don't feel like ranting much more for such a short story, so let's end this section. Mmm, Medium steak. Take a Pass.

Length

YOU EXCEEDED!!!!

Take a Medium-Well and a Pass. :P

Detail

Isn't Kricketot red in colour? Not pink? Sorry, just had to get it off my chest.

I don't have much to complain about here... You described everything except the oak tree, which doesn't really matter to me for such a simple story. Good to see you haven't been infected by my "cluttered description" syndrome. :D I want to gripe again about a lack of background info for the girl, since it kinda actually goes here under Detail. :x Oh well.

Medium steak comes with a Pass attached.

Battle

This was rather interesting simply because Nincada ended up on its back and flailing around like a turtle or Squirtle. Yeah. Other than that it was rather bland, but then again, Kricketot and Nincada's movepools are under nine thousand, so yeah.

I don't see any Bide attack. Where's the Bide attack? :x

The branch falling onto Kricketot was clearly hax, and I bet it scored a CH too. That's unfair. D: Then again, Nincada getting flipped was hax too, so it evens out. This battle is two-sided! Environment use was okay as well, with some interaction with the Oak tree.

Considering you hardly had much to work with, this was pretty good. :D Medium-Well Pass.

Overall

Why do I get this feeling that you got drunk halfway through writing this? :X I mean, for the first half it was okay, then BAM. All sorts of random typos start appearing, and your commas suddenly go off-colour or something. :x Ah well, it still meets expectations anyhow.

Outcome

Kricketot CAPTURED

RAWR now grade my 66656 character story lol

-lazy to rant over a 6K story-
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