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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 05-18-2009, 11:40 PM
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Default Amusement of Suffering Ready~

Amusement of Suffering
By Me

Chapter: 1- The Scent of a Cherry Popsicle

It was 7:30 at night and John was licking a cherry Popsicle. You see John is my pet Meowth he is addicted to anything shiny, and popsicles. My name is Billy. We both live in the small town called New Bark Town in the good ‘old Johto Region. What I didn’t know is that an Eevee can be so dangerous it can kill people. Three days later I never underestimated an Eevee ever again. But for now I did. Because of underestimating I had nearly gotten killed, and here is my story...


Chapter: 2- A Dark Figure

I was sitting in an easy chair on the porch outside when I saw a dark figure in the bushes 20 feet away. It looked to be an Eevee. John just finished his Popsicle and began to meow at the Eevee. The Eevee came closer with a smirk on its face like it was saying follow me. Now I never had an adventure ever since I used to be a Pokémon trainer 10 years ago so I was really excited to be pursuing a Pokémon again. I am now 21, and allowed to be doing just about anything from digging in a sandbox to drinking beer. So having the right to be able to follow and catch a Pokémon, I followed the Eevee. The Eevee scampered away when I stared to chase it. After 20 long minutes of chasing it finally ran into the forest by my house. “So John, (who had been running with him) shall we go into the forest, and catch that Eevee?” (Even though I never usually tried to catch Pokémon in several years I still had a hunk of Pokeballs with me.) John nodded yes. “Alright let’s go,” I yelled running into the dark forest.

Chapter: 3- Ritual?

I checked my medal watch. 9:15. “We could be here all night finding that Eevee,” I told John. “Do you still want to hunt it down?” John nodded again, a fire blazing in his eyes. John had always been loyal to me. This is why I kept him. When I was 15 years old I didn’t want to take care of all the Pokémon I caught so I simply released them. But my starter Pokémon was John. He won me several battles and I thought he was too special to be released. “RAWR,” John screamed pointing his tail west. “Is that where the Eevee is,” I asked John. He nodded yes. Then John and I started to run west in the creepy forest where trees were as tall as Mt. Everest, and shadows lurked everywhere. After running for two minutes I noticed a light. “Fire light?” I thought to myself. We ran a bit more until we noticed what was going on. “Holy cow,” I screamed. “Is this some type of ritual?” Whatever was going on that same Eevee was a part of it, and many more were down there. The question was what in the world were those Eevee’s doing? I was about to find out.

Chapter: 4- Poor Shellos…

The Eevees down there seemed to be having a party- an executing party. Then I noticed it was not just Eevees down there, but Leafeons to. (As any Pokémon Trainer knows Shelloses are extremely weak to grass moves.) Then all the puzzle pieces were put together. “The light I saw here was a Solar Beam attack which is one of the strongest grass moves,” I whispered to John. “That could severely injure or kill a Shellos!” A Leafeon had just used another Solar Beam. It took a very long time to use one because it was 10:28 at night. BAM! Another Shellos had just got hit! Only one Shellos remained standing. “I got to do something John,” I muttered to the Meowth. Meowth’s eyes became red. Then John charged into the execution. “JOHN NO!!!,” I cried. But it was too late. John stood in front of the Shellos, waiting to defend it from incoming Solar Beams.

Chapter: 5- Why? Why are they doing this?

I knew exactly why the Eevees disliked the Shelloses. Neither Eevee nor Shellos is native to Johto right? Well 10 years ago I traveled all four Pokémon regions. In Kanto I caught an Eevee. I had released the Eevee in that very forest I was in that night. In the Sinnoh region I had caught a Shellos. I had released it in the swamp right by that forest. One thing about my Eevee was it was very aggressive. It yapped and yelled at any new thing it saw. On the other hand my Shellos was very gentle, and nice to all my other Pokémon. Unfortunately bad things happen to good people. Eevee picked on Shellos all the time, and had never stopped hating it. Ten years later the forest became plentiful with Eevees, and in the swamps there were many Shelloses. The ancestors of my Eevee never stopped hating the Shelloses. Now that you are informed with this knowledge we will continue with what happened to John.

Chapter: 6- Amusement

I ran out of the bushes yelling for John to come back on the top of my lungs. I finally took out Johns Pokeballs, and zapped him inside. Then I looked back at the crowd of Eevees and Leafeons. Every one of them had a smirk on there face or was laughing. Then a muscular Eevee growled at the crowd as if it was saying shut up. All the Eevees obeyed him and calmed down. They stepped back a few steps. “What, I yelled. What are you doing to these poor Shelloses?” (At the time I did not know why they were doing this.) Then one of the Eevees scratched another Eevee sitting right next to it. “RAWR,” yelled the other Eevee in pain. Then before I knew it both of the Eevees were quarrelling on the floor. I had been pretty good at figuring out what Pokémon were saying so I gave it my best shot. “Do you want me to fight that Shellos,” I asked. The entire crowd by me howled yes. I sent out John from his Pokeball. “We aren’t going to hurt that thing,” I mumbled to John. “No way!”

Chapter: 7- The Epic Battle

The Shellos must have heard our conversation because it looked like it was ready to fight. “Shellos,” I said to the survivor. “We are not going to hurt you. Do you understand me?” The Shellos nodded yes. Then it began. “Slash John,” I commanded. The cat sprang at the slug. Shellos moved his head swiftly dodging the easily-critical-attack. Then Shellos quickly spat out a Water Gun attack. John got hit right in the face. That seriously ticked off John! “Now we’ll try a Night Slash,” I ordered. John vanished into the night, and then BAM! It hit the poor slug. Shellos had a red gash across his throat. I smiled. What those Eevees didn’t count on was I was a Pokémon Trainer, and I could catch that Shellos. “Pokeball go,” I yelled throwing the red and white ball. The Eevees looked shocked. I bet they never saw that before! The Pokeball wiggled twice and…
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  #2  
Old 05-18-2009, 11:41 PM
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Default Re: Amusement of Suffering Ready~

Target: Shellos
Needed: 5k-10k
Have: 6,355
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  #3  
Old 05-22-2009, 07:54 AM
Lusitania Offline
 
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Default Re: Amusement of Suffering Ready~

BIntro I laughed at the popsicle thing. It just didn't make sense. First of all, why is a Meowth obsessed with popsicles? Also, how is it holding it...? Is it just on the ground, or, what? THis part seemed rather weak and rushed, as did the entire story. It wasn't a good way to start a story, and it was as weak as it was rushed.

Think about your story before you write it, and then re-read it when you're done. Also, try to make your chapters longer. A paragraph a chapter really isn't a good way to do a story v.v

Plot I'm sorry, but your plot was rather...to put it bluntly, not good. It was rather all over the place, and like the entire story, rushed. You had some random elements, and even though you tried a plot twist, it was poorly executed. By the way, if you release one Eevee and one Shellos, they couldn't reproduce that fast, and they couldn't reproduce at all. Sex involves two people, you see, and that is how babies are made. When a male sperm cell is combined with a egg cell, a baby will eventually form. If there's only one of each, they can't reproduce.

Also, a Solar Beam can't charge at night becuase there isn't any solar energy. There are lots of things that solar energy has that lunar does not, like all kinds of light (UV, visible, et cetera), and that is presumably what Solar Beam is powered by.

Reread and think about your story before posting and/or writing it. It'll help to reduce plot holes and help to pass the story.

Detail =/ there really wasn't any detail. You used simple adjectives such as colours, but really they don't cut it. You need to use elaborate details, or at least better ones, to make me savor and visualize the story. These are just words on paper, or rather, a monitor. There's nothign making me want to read the story besides the fact that I'm going to get money for grading it. You really need to work on this section, it's really big for a lot of graders, and sometiems can even make or break you.

So I advise thinking about your story and maybe giving it to another person to read before you post it. Have them critique it like I am to you, and then it'll be a lot better. Get them to comment on your detail, and tell them to pull no punches. Or maybe even talk to another member about it. It helps, trust me.

Grammar THis section was arguably the worst. Mistakes were littered everywhere, and you had several recurring mistakes. I'll focus on those.

First of all, you seem to have problems with commas. Put a comma when listing three or more things, ending a quote, breaking up a sentence that has an independent and a dependent clause, and before the conjunction in a compound sentence.

Also, remember to capitalize all Pokemon related words. Also, all numbers under 100 should be spelt, so twenty instead of 20 and ninety nine instead of 99. I'm sure there are other problems, but for now, I'm extremely tired and need to go to bed soon. If you want me to elaborate on this, PM me or IM me at Robertio123.

Battle ;-; It was only one paragraph. First of all, it was way too short. It was one chapter, but that one chapter was one paragraph. Likes I said, make the chapters bigger or do away with them altogether.

Also, you used a 'he did this, he did that' kind of battle system. You shouldn't do this, instead, you should describe and elaborate on each and every attack. Also, try to fit in five moves from each party, so you should have at least ten moves. At this point, you only have three. Not to mention you attacked the Shellos after saying you wouldn't hurt him :s

Do these things and you can make the battle better and longer.

Length FIne

Outcome I'm sorry, but SHELLOS NOT CAPTURED! To fix this, I suggest you fix plot holes, add description, fix up some of your grammar problems, make the battle better, and either do away with or lengthen the chapters. Good luck and good night.
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