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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 04-02-2009, 12:54 AM
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Default Outta This World!

Prologue:

The century is 2700. The setting: outer space. Our brave friend Kory is part of a little group of Space Pirates who are hunting up some treasure for them to steal. They find that the Rocky Government has some loot they have been hiding in a warehouse, so the Moon Gravlers (Kory's Space Pirate group) has decided to welcome themselves into the warehouse. When they do, Kory stumbles upon an interesting device...

~~~
Notes/Definitions: (no, I don't need them, but I've always wanted to have my own set of "Notes/definitions" so here it is! Sadly, there is not much to be noted though)

"S-Chips" are a form of currency. Roughly worth about a dollar.

Choka is a type of flying bird that was discovered on Planet Koona. When cooked, it tastes like chicken ;)

Tauro is a small, out-of-the way planet owned by the Rocky Government...

Rocky Government: a large government that governs about three small planets on the western side of the Poke'Galaxy. It is not very popular with most other governments due to its past history of strong-armed and illigal ways (not that anyone can prove anything they did wasn't legal, but everyone knows it was them). It is also known for trying out odd and dangerous experiments.

The Abzhama Teleporter is a device discovered around 2200 or so. Its been refined a lot of course, but the basic principles remain the same--it teleports you from place to place, within a reasonable range. It works by using the tapped energies of Abras, Kadabras and Alakazams.
~~
The story assumes everyone would know what "space-pirates" are (if you didn't know, they are basically pirates in space who steal things, lol). The story starts off with the year being around 2700 and in the future Poke'Galaxy (which happens to include flying space crafts, like the one the main character is on).

One last note: I don't want to go into boring details on how every little thing works in the new age of the Poke'Galaxy, but things like Cold Suits (which allow the users to survive on very cold planets--at least, for a short time before you have to go indoors) and Fire Suits (same as Cold Suits except that it is ment for extremely hot climates. There are even rumors that a Fire Suit that can stand the sun's temperatures is being made...) along with several other little devices make it possible for life in outer space. I mean the year is in the late 2000s, so a lot of things not thought possible before are now possible through advanced technology. Lots can happen in a 700 hundred year time span. Now on with the story!

Copywrite 2009 by Dragoness
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Last edited by Dragoness; 04-17-2009 at 10:42 PM. Reason: Don't ask. Seriously. :)
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Old 04-02-2009, 12:59 AM
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Default Re: Outta this World!

Chapter One

"Do you want your face slapped three ways from Tuesday?" yelled Kory Cit at the short, heavy man cowering in front of him. The man shook his bearded head, drops of sweat flying from his forehead and onto his light orange shirt.

"No, Commander Kory, I don't. It's just, well, I was only wondering..." The man never quite finished his sentence before Kory backhanded him across the jaw. The poor man fell backwards and down from the force of the hit, landing his well cushioned behind on the smooth white stone floor.

"Jake! Do as you are told and all will go very well for you. If you stand around questioning my orders all day, nothing will get done and if you dare question my command in the field, then it'll probably mean jail-time for us all and death for you!" Kory snarled at Jake, looking down at him from his much greater height of six-foot-two, compared to the mere five feet of Jake. Jake paused from rubbing his sore jawline and nodded at Kory.

Turning away from Jake, Kory looked at the rest of the Moon Gravler space-pirate crew, all of whom were staring at what had just went on between their second highest ranked officer of the crew and one of their own shipmates. He sighed and brushed a lock of his short, bright green hair away from his face. That hair framed a young man's pale face, with a sharp nose and sea-blue eyes. Dressed casually, he wore a forest green longsleeved shirt today. Black trousers with a thin silver chain hanging beside the pocket and and black boots with studs finished off his wardrobe.

"All of you, the plans have been laid out. The Chief Commander, Dona, and I have explained in great detail what is to happen tomorrow night. You know the plan, you know it is risky, but if we don't risk something, we'll never gain anything. Be ready and prepared. Come to me later if you have an actual question and not a jerky comment about me or the plan." At this moment Kory chose to throw an angry look at Jake, who in turn looked away from Kory's glare. Kory turned his attention back to his crew now, trying to silently count to ten in order to calm himself down. He had never had a good handle on his temper and the stress of the upcoming heist had shattered any control he had over it.

With a curt nod, Kory walked over and sat down in a niche in a wall of the room. As people started to let things to get back to normal, talking, joking and drinking, Kory continued trying to calm not only his anger, but his nerves as well. Unconsciously, Kory started to describe the room to himself as he attempted to relax. It was an odd relaxation technique he had picked up somewhere. This room is quite large and almost made into a circular shape, but with some odd corners that were cut into it by an architect that was probably drunk as a skunk when he designed this spaceship. It's painted in a disturbingly bright shade of red. It is on the outer side of the ship we're using, so it has a few good sized windows that look out into a black abyss with an occasional sighting of a planet or moon. The floor is made of tiles that are some type of ivory colored stone. A bunch of simple, black, round tables fill the room with matching chairs. At the moment, the room is filled with at least twenty people from the Moon Gravlers. The room is like a den, basically, for all the crew members to hang out in. It has four doors: one to the kitchen; one to the command center, aka, where the pilot steers the ship to make sure we don't end up splattered on the side of a comet or something; one door to the meeting room; and one door to the dining hall. That's only four places on the ship, that still leaves the sleeping quarters and a much smaller, second den room, plus some other rooms that I'm sure I've forgotten Kory thought to himself, slowing his breathing down a little. The exercise in description worked, for he was calm when he finished.

Almost as soon as he had finished describing the room to himself, a young woman walked over to the niche he had sat down in. She stood at maybe five feet and five inches, with long strawberry blonde hair and a dark complexion. Dark brown eyes were set into a pretty oval face that had a few small wrinkles in it, even though she was still in her early thirties. She looked quite good that night, wearing a pair of silky black pants and a black silk shirt with silver embroidery in the shape of a rose down the front and back of it.

Kory noticed the woman as she walked up to him. He sent her a lukewarm smile as she knelt down beside him. "Commander Dona, what have I done to deserve your wonderful company?"

Dona, Commander of the Moon Gravlers, let out a small snort of laughter at his comment. "What haven't you done? You are doing an awesome job of taking care of things. By the way, I heard about what happened with Jake just now..." Dona raised a questioning eyebrow at him.

"Jake was being a donkey's rear end, like always," Kory told her bluntly. "He was questioning how dangerous our plans are for tomorrow night and then he started questioning how good a leader I was to encourage you with your 'Odd and scary ideas'. He just needed a reminder about who was in charge here."

By the time Kory had finished speaking, Done was frowning, clearly not pleased with Jake. "Good job. I also came to give you this to look at. It was in the Rocky Stars' paper. I printed it out for you. Also, Gela is in the meeting room, waiting for you. She has a couple questions about the plan and she wants you to answer them." Dona paused for a minute to give Kory a smirk. "I offered to answer them, but she wanted you...said some garbage excuse about 'He can explain things so well though' but she only wants to see you." At this, Kory blushed a little. He was barely twenty and was still not used to the game of "Girl like boy".

"I'll take care of that soon," said Kory quickly as he accepted a piece of paper that Dona pulled out of her pocket.

"I'm sure you will," Dona told him with a wicked smile as she started to walk away from him.

Kory watched her leave the den before he turned his attention back to the paper she had handed him. After a few sentences into the paper, he groaned. It read as the following:

Rocky Star reporter Sandry Queen reporting:
The recent attack at the Mount Steams Bank turned this reporter's attention to the rise in space-pirates. The attack on Moon Steams Bank has been linked to a local space-pirate group called the "Moon Gravlers". Little is known about them except that they exist and contain several members of differing ages. It has proven to be very difficult to catch any of the Moon Gravlers' members. A reward for information about the group has been posted by the Rocky Space Police; the reward stands at 5000 S-Chips. The group is considered to be very dangerous...

The article continued on for a little more about space-pirates, but Kory had the most important information already. It's going to be a problem, that reward, he thought to himself.Someone could turn us in if they wanted all those S-Chips. We need to be careful. Ah well, nothing I can do. I should just go and see Gela now.

Kory got up, stretched his arms and back, which made a few cracking noises and headed towards the Meeting Room. He stopped just infront of the door to look at a very small mirror beside the door. As he looked into the mirror, he smiled a little. At least I look alright, he thought.

Running a hand through his hair, Kory entered into the Meeting Room. As he entered into the room, he observed some changes that had happened to it since the last time he went in. The floor had been cleaned so its red stone tiles shone, reflecting the light of the large chandlers above it. The smell of lemons and soapy water still hung in the air, causing Kory to wrinkle his nose a bit. He moved his line of sight to the walls, which were still a light shade of blue, but new paintings had been added to them. One painting caught his eye in particular. It showed the Moon Gravlers current spaceship in great detail. The artist--most likely one of the crew members--had painted the space craft as if you were looking at it from the outside. You could see the windows on the sides of the round ship, with two oval disks jutting out from its sides, each disk holding its own set of rooms while the main part of the spacecraft hold the main rooms where Kory was right now. The colors the artist used were exactly right--a dark gray and bright white paint covered the entire ship while a royal blue accented the edges of it.

Forcing his attention to the middle part of the room, Kory saw that someone had also cleaned the large round table. Its oak wood now shone with a new coating of wax as did the matching chairs all around it. And in one of those chairs sat a pretty young woman. She was reading intently from a large red book and hadn't noticed that Kory was in the room. He smiled at the girl, taking in her long black hair, tied back in a ponytail and her tanned skin from too many hours on Earth. Kory even noticed that the dark plum colored, short sleeved shirt she was wearing fit her nicely, as did the knee-length blue plaid skirt she had on.

"Hey, Gela," Kory called out, noticing that his heart seemed to be beating faster for some reason. Gela looked up at Kory with a grin on her slightly round face.

"Hello Kory, I just wanted to ask you some questions about tomorrow night. I only heard the last bit of the plan because I had just came in from grocery shopping with the cook while you were explaining things," Gela told Kory as she pulled a chair out for him to sit on.

"That's understandable," said Kory as he took the offer of the chair. "Starting from the top, we're going into Rocky Government's "secret" warehouse. It's on the small planet of Tauro. We'll set the ship to invisible mode and land right behind the warehouse. Then we'll put on the oxygen suits, go into the warehouse and take some things there and then leave. I'll point out what we need to pick up in there when we land. We know the schedule of the guards and know a backway in that isn't watched by cameras. We should land at about six in the afternoon."

Gela nodded as Kory finished with the brief but detailed layout of the plan. "Well, thanks then. That cleared up some stuff." Gela paused for a second before continuing. "So how are you doing?"

"Umm...fine, actually. Doing rather well," replied Kory as he tried to find the words he wanted to say to this cute girl. She just smiled at him, making him feel slightly nervous.

The conversation continued like that for a while, both of them chatting about every day things, with the exception of the time Gela asked Kory how he knew about the "secret warehouse". His response was a simple and quick one about knowing some people who knew. It was shortly after Gela asked him this question that the conversation ended so Gela could go to bed and so Kory could finish some errands. As soon as he was done taking care of things, Kory slipped into his own bed, ready for a goodnights sleep. As he drifted off to sleep, a thought went through his head. Things are going to go off without a hitch tomorrow, I just feel it. It was one of the few times that Kory's gut feelings had led him astray...
~
The next day seemed to arrive a second after Kory closed his eyes. After he awoke early in the morning, as was his habit, he had to answer multiple last minute questions about that night. Nobody seemed to mind disturbing him during his morning work-out routine, during breakfast or even snagging him as he came out of the bathroom. What is it today?! Why on Earth, Mars or Poke'Planet are these bloody people coming to me for every question under the freaking stars? Kory wondered irritability as he started to munch down on a piece of grilled Choka. He was in the Den room again, this time sitting at one of the round, black tables with his lunch as the aroma of grilled Choka and vegetables filled the room.

"Hey, Kory. I need to ask you something-" came a girls voice from behind Kory, who had just finished swallowing a large bite of Choka.

Without bothering to look, Kory snapped out, "I don't know! And if I did know, I probably wouldn't tell you!"

"Oh, okay than. I just wanted to tell you that I might be late tonight to Tauros, I'm helping out the cook again," said the same female voice.

Hold it. I know that voice. I hope its not her, not when I just snapped at her like that, thought Kory, a feeling of worry filling him. He slowly turned around and his heart sank to his toes. It was Gela standing just behind him, giving him an uncertain smile, as if afraid he might yell at her again.

"That's fine Gela! Just, umm, be careful about getting to Tauro without being spotted. You have the Kazham teleporter?" asked Kory, quickly trying to wipe any bits of food that may have gotten smeared onto his pale chin. Gela nodded that yes, she did have the Abzhama teleporter.
"Good! Just use that to get on the space craft and then teleport over to Tauro," Kory told Gela as he started to pull out a seat for her at the small table. She shook her head shook her head at him, her long black hair flipping to and fro.

"No thanks, Kory. I need to go now and I've already eaten..." Gela politely refused Kory, her dark eyes refusing to give up any information on how she really felt about the young man in front of her.

Kory looked down at his dark red sneakers, face growing slightly hot. "Look, Gela, if it's about me snapping at you earlier, then I want to say that I am sorry. I am just under a little pressure and I blew it," explained Kory, looking up at Gela. He couldn't help but notice that the black cotton pants, silver shirt and black vest she had on complimented her figure very well.

Gela smiled a little at Kory and shook her head. "It's not that, I'd love to spend some more time with you. It's just that I really do need to go and I have eaten. I understand why you acted like a Ursaring with a bur under its tail, you're job is very stressful." At this point, Gela took a moment to pause before continuing on. "Look, after tonight is all done with, why don't you and I go spend some time with each other. You know, talk some more and stuff, over lunch or something."

Trying to keep the pace of his heart under control, least it jump from his chest from excitement, Kory nodded at Gela, a shy smile crossing his pale face. "Alright then," he said, leaning back in his chair.

"I need to go now. I'll talk to you later tonight then," Gela said as she smiled at him, her deep red lips parting to show shiny white teeth. As she turned to leave, she stopped for a second and swooped down on Kory and planted a quick kiss on his cheek. She then hurried out the door which lead to the kitchen before the astonished Kory could say anything. He rubbed his burning hot cheek where she had kissed him, mind blank for once on what to do or say.
~
"Now, be on the alert for any guards. They shouldn't be here, but plans can change. More things go wrong due to impatience and bad planning than anything else. Move slowly, we have time," Dona told the group of Moon Gravlers she had before her. They were on the planet Tauro and the time of day would have been called "night" if Tauro had more than a small glimpse of the sun. This left the tiny planet rather cold, though not nearly as cold as some other, farther away planets. As it was, every Moon Gravler had on slim, black Cold Suits over their normal clothes. The suits were one piece, with a long zipper down the front and a black hood with a clear type of plastic over the eyes. Inside the suits were mouth and ear pieces so the group could more easily and quietly talk to one another.

Kory nodded at Dona as he observed the compound where the government warehouse was. Long lines of sharp steel fencing surrounded a barren gray slab of rock and dirt that was the ground. Not much grew on the little planet due to lack of light, water and temperatures that are never above -20 degrees Fahrenheit. The storage facility resembled a large, white and brown box with a few large doors and windows. All of it was badly in need of paint and a new security system, but while Rocky Government had tons of money to take care of it properly, the cheapskates chose not to. Finally, long metal light-posts cast a powerful light over the compound with the exception of a small piece of ground that was thrown into shadows because of the warehouse. That was where Kory, Dona and the rest of the group were.

"Got it," said Jane as she looked up at Kory. Jane was a Moon Gravler member, one of the more senior ones who had come into the group more then a year ago. What the young, thin lady was referring to was that she had just finished cutting a large hole in the thick fence that went around the warehouse. She quickly set down the small welding tip and the sharp wire cutters she had been using and started to brush off the silvery dust that had gathered on her jet black suit.

"Good job," said both Kory and Dona together. Smirking at Kory because of the simultaneous speech, Dona offered Jane her gloved hand and helped her stand up.

"Alright guys, lets go. Follow me and pick up whatever Dona and I tell you too, then bring it back to the ship," said Kory, giving a quick nod at the Moon Gravler's stealthed spaceship, which sat a few hundred feet from where they were now. He then bent down and slipped through the opening in the wire and then ran to the door at the back of the building. The others all followed him, intent on their mission. A large amount of merchandise, possible experiments that some people would love to get their hands on and maybe even some rare Pokemon were all in the warehouse. All told, you were talking into the hundred thousand S-Chips range.

Once the lock was opened, Kory and the group all slipped down the hallways. Cameras had been given a looped feed so nobody would notice the unwelcome guests as they padded through the bright, shiny halls. White tile was the flooring throughout the place, matched with sick yellow walls and large bracketed lamps. This place is so ugly, Kory thought to himself as he carefully pick-locked one of the many doors that filled the hallway he was currently in.

The door opened with a slight pop. Waving the rest of the guys into the dark room, Kory clicked on a large flashlight he had carried with him. The light shined across the concrete-like floor and over several large metal shipping containers. Heavy wooden boxes, both big and small were also revealed by the flashlight. They all filled the huge room, at least five thousand square feet over the floor and twenty-five feet high. Large doors were off to the side of the room--it was the only way that the shipping containers and bigger boxes could have gotten into this room.

Moving quickly, Dona and the rest clicked on their flashlights. Then Dona walked across the floor to one of the containers, her boots making a soft clink on the floor. Pulling a hammer from a small red bag she had slung over her shoulder, she pried open a small box. "Bingo," her cool voice said. From the box she pulled out an ancient, golden stature of Mew. She had to use a lot of her strength to move the small stature as it was solid gold. That started everyone off. Using crowbars and hammers they all carried with them in small packs, they started opening the shipping containers and boxes, carrying what they could out to the ship. All was going well for about fifteen minutes when a loud screech filled the air. It was an alarm. Red lights started flashing from buzzers placed at the corners of the room and the alarm increased.

Copywrite 2009 by Dragoness
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Last edited by Dragoness; 04-18-2009 at 09:59 AM. Reason: Btw, it is supposed to be Moon Gravlers :) I didn't misspell gravel. Not yet, anyway.
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Old 04-02-2009, 01:00 AM
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Default Re: Outta this World!

"Guys! They know we're here. Grab whatever is light weight and run! NOW!" yelled Dona. She herself grabbed a very small box and started for the doors, many of the Moon Gravlers following her. Crud! How do they know we are here? thought Kory as he ran to the spot where he had set his pack down. As he got there, he noticed a small Poke'Ball that someone had left in a shipping crate. Grabbing it, he turned around to run and his foot caught on one of the boxes. With a curse, he fell to the ground, dropping the Poke'Ball. Luckily it didn't open when it fell and he grabbed it quickly. Unluckily, he had taken precious minutes grabbing things and then tripping over his own feet. When he looked up, he was people in bright red suits walk in through the door. They were carrying tranq guns and calling over to heavy, fighting type Pokemon.

Drat! I need to hide or I'll be in for it, was all Kory could think as he looked around wildly for somewhere to slip into. His eyes caught sight of a large shipping container nearby that the crew had managed to open. It had been surprisingly hard to get it open a few feet, but it was large enough for him to stand in and plenty of room for him to hide in. Making sure his flashlight was off, Kory ran over to it and squeezed through the opening, making sure to close the doors as tight as he could. Once inside, he carefully tip-toed his way around the pitch blackness, touching what felt like boxes.

He stopped moving when he heard gruff voices outside the shipping crate. "Look around, they could still be here. Look into every crevice, nook and cranny." A small clamor of "Yes, Sir." filled the air in response to the hard, cold voice.

Maybe I can find one of these boxes to hide in or something, Kory thought as he tried to form a plan of action. As he was thinking, the opening to the container start to creak open and light started to spill onto the items inside. NO! a panicked Kory thought. Being careful not to make noise, he carefully hurried his way to the back of the crate. As he got to the back, he tried to turn to his right only to find a large metal bar on the ground. He fell onto a hard, smooth surface and let out a yelp of pain as his jaw made contact with cold metal. "Who's here?" came a voice from the front of the container.

This can't be happening, thought Kory as he pushed himself up. One of his hands hit a small square box with a button on it. The minute his hand pressed the button, a hissing noise filled the air and white lights began to flash next to him. "Preparing for time travel. Please stay still," said a mechanical voice from above Kory's head. Suddenly Kory felt a rushing wind on the back of his neck and a soft click as a clear door shut behind him. He had managed to step onto some tall, round device with metal poles making up the framework for the door and ceiling. Now he was locked in the device with no way out. "Countdown to year 2000...three....two...one," that same mechanical voice said. Lights in colors of white, red and purple began flashing inside the device as it started to shake. A sharp whistling sound filled the air, so loud it made Kory cover his ears. One last flash of violet light and the shaking, whistling and lights stopped.
~
Bright light shined through Kory's eyelids. He opened them and then gasped in shock. He was no longer in the confines of the shipping container, but on a massive flat rock. With a hiss, the door to his cage-like device opened and Kory hurriedly stepped out onto the rock and took a good look around. The rock he was on was mostly flat and gray. It covered what seemed like a good mile strip of land length-wise and several hundred feet width wise. Its edges were surrounded by forest on one side and beaches on the other. Kory was about a hundred feet from the beach side and watched as small blue waves came in and out on the golden sand. "Where am I?" whispered Kory to himself as started to peel off his Cold Suit and dump it beside the machine he had been in. When he got out of the large black suit, he found himself comfortable in a short sleeved royal blue shirt, black jeans and a pair of dark red sneakers.

What is this place? Poke'Earth still has some beaches and forest, but not like this. They polluted the place too much for it to be like this, although Poke'Earth's land is slowly building itself back up. This reminds me of pictures of what it was like in the early 2000s, but the year is 2716. But that machine...it said something about the year 2000. but I can't be in that year...can I? If not, then where am I? And how am I- Kory's thinking was suddenly interrupted by a loud "HOOOWLLL," from a mournful voice inside the forest. Leaping up from the hot rock that he had sat down in, Kory looked over at the forest. It was maybe a eight or nine hundred foot walk, not very far to where rock gave way to dirt, dead leaves and fresh trees.

What on Poke'Earth is going on here? thought Kory as slowly started to walk towards the dark forest, full of large, healthy trees. As he made his way towards the forest, picking up speed, the urgent howl came again. Kory broke into a dead run, his lime green hair being blown back from the both the running and a light sea breeze that had started. Half-way to the forest an untied lace from his sneakers sent Kory flying across the rocky stone. He let out a small yell as the rough spots in the rock dug into his skin, leaving small drops of blood and dirt. The Poke'Ball he had grabbed earlier from the warehouse had slipped out of his pocket and went sailing through the air to land about ten feet from Kory. As he got up, he saw the ball and watched with bated breath as it slowly opened. What rare Pokemon can this be? Perhaps a powerful Charizard, or a Porygon, or something good! Kory thought eagerly as the Poke'Ball suddenly burst open with in a flash of red light.

"You've got to be kidding me," said Kory, disgust and disappointment thick in his voice. Beside the Poke'Ball, a small pale green creature with little black eyes looked up at him. It stood about two and a half feet tall on four light green legs. A dark green leaf thing covered the Pokemon's back and top of its head. The edges of the leaf were tightly curled up. The creature sniffed Kory and then let out a bark.

"Why a Lotad? You are cute little guys, but I was expecting something...different, more strong," Kory told the little Pokemon. "Hmm...all the same though, I think I'll capture you. I have just the Pokemon to do it too. I got her a little while ago from a local Poke'Mart." Kory pulled out a small orange and white Poke'Ball and threw it at the ground in front of him. It burst open in a flash of pink light and then returned to him, its owner. From where the Poke'Ball hit, a small gold and white colored Pokemon stood. It had sharp teeth inside a small snout and stood about three feet tall on four bright yellow legs. A circular mane of white fur that stuck out like jagged spikes was right around the Pokemon's head. The rest of its golden fur stood up in ruffled spikes and clumps. It grinned at the Lotad, its deep blue eyes calm, but alert.

"Before I use Jolteon, lets try the peaceful way. Do you wish to come home with me?" Kory kindly asked the Lotad, extending a hand towards it. The Lotad shook its head "yes" and then shook its head to the sides "no". It then pranced its little paws about and growled at Jolteon. "You just wanna battle, then you're come? Alright. Get ready Jolt," Kory called out to the Jolteon. She turned around her vivid yellow and white head to give Kory a nod before she turned her pretty eyes back on Lotad.

"Alright, use your Thunder attack!" Kory called out to Jolt. The Pokemon flexed its muscles and then squeezed together its two shoulderblades and let out a yowl directed at Lotad. From Jolt's mouth a blazing stream of yellow lightning shot out at the Lotad. The lightning was followed by a giant roaring sound from Jolt's throat that seemed to fill the air. As Jolt roared, the painful bright streak of lightning hit the Lotad's back and sent it
rolling across the rock with a scream. Standing up, the Lotad let out a fierce cry, its back now sporting a long, thin scorch mark. Then Lotad started running at Jolt, its small feet picking up speed across the rock until about a foot from Jolt it flung itself through the air and tackled Jolt down. Together the two Pokemon rolled across the ground, Lotad's light green skin and Jolt's eye catching gold-yellow fur intermingling with each other.

When Jolt stopped rolling, she kicked the Lotad off of her chest with a shove of her powerful hind paws. She then stood and let out a hiss towards Lotad, eyes ablze with fury. Growling deep in her throat, Jolt ran forward a few steps to the Lotad and bit down on its chest, her teeth sinking into flesh and leaving a tiny amount of blood. As she released her grip on the squirming Lotad, a powerful flash of yellow light came from her mouth, showing that she had used an electrical attack as well as a physical one. The Lotad let out an ear piercing screech, making Jolt cringe and forcing Kory to cover his ears up. The Lotad then closed its eyes and began to whimper. From its body a slight stream of glitter floated through the air towards Jolt, hitting her in the face and causing her to let out a yell of anger as a little of her health was sucked away from her and into Lotad. The fang marks on Lotad's little chest stayed, but the grew a little less deep.

"It's okay! Now use your Quick Attack," were the orders Jolt received. Tensing up her foreleg muscles and lowering her head slightly, Jolt walked backwords a few more feet and then broke into a dead run towards Lotad. As it neared Lotad, Jolts speed increased dramatically until it was nothing but a white and yellow blue of fur as it bit and nipped at the Lotad, leaving little cuts all over its green body. The Lotad growled at Jolt then flung itself head first into Jolt's ribcage with great force. Jolt let out a yelp as she was knocked over onto the hard stone. Her soft body skidded several feet before she came to a stop.

With a whimper, Jolt stood up, a single tear of pain sliding down her plump cheek. She stood there a minute, catching her breath as Kory gave her the orders to attack again with Thunder. Giving Lotad a look over, Jolt could notice that it was almost done in. Lotad's breathing was labored, sweat covered its chest and face and it just looked tired. It could always try to run for the forest, but the Lotad was too proud to run from any battle and it knew better then to move towards the sea. While it may land on soft sand, Jolt could easily push the Lotad into the water and finish it off with a electrical move. Better to stay on hot, hard rock.

Jolt opened her mouth wide as another roar came out from it. The noise was like a thundering after a strike of lightning. An orb of golden-white energy grew in Jolt's mouth. Then the energy turned into a stream-lined ray of power, hitting Lotad square in the face. It sent the poor little Pokemon flying backwords where it tumbled over itself and then landed with a nasty smack. The Lotad pushed itself up then fell to the stone again. Shaking, it shoved itself up once more, this time staying up. It then closed its eyes and sent the glitter into the air and at Jolt once more. Jolt let out a tiny yowl of pain as a bit of health was sucked away from her and into Lotad.

"Thunder Fang, once more!" Kory called out as Jolt shook her head, sending sweat flying onto the rock which was quickly evaporated by the hard sun. Giving a war cry, Jolt focused on Lotad and then ran to the little Pokemon at full speed. She bit down with force making Lotad screech. As Jolt pulled her mouth away from the Lotad a sudden burst of white light came at the new wound from Jolt's mouth. It hit the Lotad and caused the poor Pokemon to collapse where it stood and stay there, its eyes closed.

"Jolt! You did a great job! Now come back here," Kory said this as he ran over to the Jolteon. Gently he patted her thick fur and then pulled her back into her Poke'Ball. Kory then walked over to the limp body of the Lotad and gently touched its sweat streaked back. "It'll be okay buddy, don't worry," the Lotad was told in a soft voice. Kory then pulled out a small gold and green Poke'Ball and threw it at Lotad. The small sphere hit Lotad and sucked it in with a flash of orange light. It then shook once, twice...three times as Lotad allowed itself to be captured. "Yes! You put up a good fight buddy." With that, Kory picked up the small Poke'Ball and put it in one of his many deep pockets.

That same gastly howl came from the forest again, sounding even more stressed than before. I don't even have a moments rest, do I? Kory thought to himself as he tied is sneakers laces tightly and then started running towards the forest. After a minute of hard running, he reached the end of the rock, where it crumbled away into dirt. The dirt continued on into a deep looking forest, full of large green trees in various shapes and sizes. Pulling out a waterbottle from his small pack, Kory took a few sips as he carefully walked into the cool shade of the trees. He quickly returned the water to his pack as yet another plaintive howl came from deeper in the forest.

Kory continued after that howl, pushing past small bushes and around tall trees. He kept walking into the forest, following the sound of the next couple howls. He was just wondering how much longer he would have to walk when he pushed past a wall of greenery and gasped. In front of him was a large clearing and in the clearing, rays of sunlight fell down on remains of a big building. It looked like it could have been a four story building at one point, but had been knocked down to about two stories now. The first story of the building was mostly intact, save for some holes in the walls, broken windows and doors that were hanging half-off their hinges. The second story though had large chunks of the walls taken out, showing dirty hallways and rooms with old desks and chairs knocked down everywhere. What was left of the walls were made of heavy red brick except for two white stone pillars holding up the front porch of this building. It must have looked grand at one point, but something had destroyed its splendour.

An excited howl came again from inside the building. Hoping nothing would fall on him, Kory carefully made his way through the dry leaves and dirt of the clearing's floor and walked up a small set of steps into the building. He had to be careful to skirt large piles of broken brick and glass. What made this mess? What was the point of this building to begin with? Uhh! There are too many questions and not enough answers. I'll find a way to go home as soon as I find out where I am. Maybe that device that brought me here can bring me back if I fiddle enough with it. The device! I left it back there! Stupid me, I hope nobody steals it, Kory thought as he grimly stepped through an opening where a door had once been.

Once inside the place, Kory took a good look around. The floor was made of a dark red stone tile, sticking up from the floor in places. The light blue paint on the walls was peeling in places and a large stone staircase leading up to the second floor had lost one of its carved wooden banisters. A few old polished tables lined the walls, some of them holding vases in which dried, dead flowers still lay. Light shone down from several large candles that filled a heavy crystal chandelier.

Who is lighting these candles? It doesn't look like place has been lived in for a good while, Kory wondered as he slowly made his way over to the staircase. As he reached the staircase, he froze. A creature was hiding in the shadows near the top of the stairs. As it made its way into the light, a smile crossed Kory's face. The creature was a Pokemon. Its skin was covered in bright white fur with the exceptions of gray-black fur that covered its paws and face. From that dark face, teal colored eyes full of intelligence looked down at Kory. A black looking blade of fur and skin seemed to stick out of its head, the end curved slightly. The same kind of blade served as its long tail as well. It was the Pokemon Absol.

The Absol walked slowly down the steps, its sharp claws clinking lightly on the marble stone. It stopped when it reached the bottom of the steps, a few feet in front of Kory. Its height reached to Kory's waist, not counting the erect tail.

"Aren't you pretty..." whispered Kory as he reached a callused hand out to touch the Absol. It allowed his fingers to gently brush the top of its head before shaking his hand away. It then fixed its eyes firmly on him on spoke.

"I am Abby. Welcome to the Ex-Pokemon Lab of Jira's Island," the Absol said in a cool, female voice.
~~
Copywrite 2009 by Dragoness
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Old 04-02-2009, 01:06 AM
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Default Re: Outta this World!

I must be dreaming, there is no way that a Pokemon spoke to me. Sure they are smart beasts, but actual speaking? Not possible, thought Kory as he took a step back from this odd Absol. "Did you just...talk?" Kory asked her, feeling foolish for asking.

"Yes," said the wolf-like Pokemon, its small mouth moving with every word she said. "I understand your fear. Most Pokemon cannot speak the human tongue, though we do have our own ways of communicating. I am different. Myself and some other Pokemon were the targets of cruel experimenting that took place here in the last couple of years. Some of us gained the ability to talk in English. Others did not, but they grow powerful enough to destroy this place! The humans that survived ran and have never returned. I would like to leave this place though, as would some of my friends. That is why I called you, boy. One of us saw you appear near the beach. He could sense you had a good heart so I started to call you here."

"Wow..." was all Kory could say. Still in mild shock over the discovery, he sank down to the dusty ground. After a minute of silence, he spoke again. "I don't know where we are or how to get back. I'll probably be heading back to planet Tauro myself as soon as I can find a way back. What planet is this?"

Abby raised an elegant eyebrow. "This is planet Poke'Earth. What planet do you speak of? You can only be from Poke'Earth. Perhaps the ride knocked you on your head or something...." The Absol looked concerned as she walked forward a couple steps to Kory.

"No, it can't be..." Kory said, putting is head in his hands. As he did that, he noticed a small piece of paper on the ground. Written on it were the words: Experiments on Abra done today sucessfully. July 5th, 2001

"No!" yelled Kory, startling Abby. She pranced a little as Kory asked her, "What is the date, Abby? I need to know!"

"I think it is perhaps July or August, 2002. Why do you ask?" she replied, looking at Kory curiously.

"It shouldn't be this time...it should be in the year 2700," Kory replied, horror filling him.

"Well, the Pokemon that saw you, Abra, did say you appeared out of nowhere in a canister-looking machine," mused Abby thoughtfully. "It is possible you time traveled, I'd believe most anything after what those Professors did here."

"I need to get back to that machine. But I can't go back to planet Tauro. I suppose I could always see if it'll drop me off elsewhere, but still...And who made that machine anyway? This doesn't make sense." Kory bit his bottom lip, almost drawing blood.

"Who says you have to go back? Tell me about planet Tauro and your life in the future," Abby requested as she down on the bottom step of the stairway.

Kory was normally a fairly quiet boy who did not like talking about himself that much. However, between the unhappiness of being sent to a different century mixed with the shock of a talking Pokemon, Kory was more than willing to talk about his life. After taking a good look around to make sure there were no other humans or recording devices, Kory began to talk to Abby about life in the future. He told her about his Mom, Dad and sister. He told her about the Moon Gravlers, how he had always known Dona and how she had started the gang up and got him into joining it by promising they would only steal from those who they felt were deserving of it.

"But isn't it still stealing?" asked Abby when Kory got to talking of the Moon Gravlers. "Even if you're taking from "bad" people?"

"But the things we took the Rocky Government would have used to finance another useless war, more nasty attacks at other governments for their own profit and lots of other stuff like that! Besides, the Rocky Government already stole a lot of stuff from us, why not take a little of it back?" Kory said firmly, taking a sip from the waterbottle he had retrieved from his pack.

"It still doesn't sound right," Abby replied stubbornly.

Kory let out a deep sigh. "It's complicated. Not everything is black and white, some things are gray."

Abby simply shook her head at him. She did not believe him there.

A thought suddenly occurred to Kory. "Hey, I've told you all about my life. Why don't you tell me about yours? How did they destroy this place? And what exactly did the scientists do to you guys?" As soon as the words were out of Kory's mouth, he wished he could take them back. It felt wrong asking Abby to spill the beans on whatever horrible things had happened to her.

Abby did not seem to mind though. She closed her eyes for a second and then began to talk, her voice emotionless. "I was a wild Absol, maybe twenty-five or so. In human years, that'd be more like five years. Anyway, I used to live in a small forest on the mainland, maybe a half-hours swim from here for a strong Pokemon," Abby paused, her eyes growing colder. "One day, while trying to find some sweet berries, an old man came up behind me. He was tall and pale, wearing all black and he had a little gray beard. I thought he may have wanted to capture me. I figured I could fight whatever Pokemon he sent..." Anger started to fill Abby's voice.

"But he didn't send any Pokemon. Instead he pulled out a purple Poke'Ball with moving vines on it, like one I've never seen before. When he threw it, it opened up and a net fell over. I tried to cut the net, but it was like it was made of black water. But the water never fell into a puddle and I could not cut through it. I fell dizzy and blacked out. When I woke up, I was in a steel cage, in one of the upper rooms here."

Abby's breathing increased and she almost shook with anger and a little fear. She was both furious and still scared when she thought of what happened to her a couple years ago. She continued on though, refusing to stop her story.

"They injected us with some liquids. Some of them made me feel stronger, but others made me throw up for hours." The white and black Pokemon's voice rose up to an alarming level. "They never said who they were working for, only that they were called the Rose-Pokemon Science Team. Those...people wanted to make us very strong and smart, but obediant. Well, after enough experimenting, they got two-thirds of what they wanted. We were all very smart and powerful, but so full of hate we could never obey them!" Abby paused to take a breath, her eyes ablaze with fury.

"Besides those injections, they gave some us strange food. It was a jell-like substance that tasted nasty. The scientists forced it down our throat. After a few days, I began to talk English. They were happy, but dismayed that my power level shot down to that of a normal Absol. The same happened with the other Pokemon."

"We formed a plan though. The ones whose strength had grown quite strong, they pretended to be very sick. Well, we were all sick anyway, they just made it seem like they were on their death bed. Those humans took some of them out of the cages. They made the mistake of not only taking six of those Pokemon all out at the same time, but they underestimated how strong the Pokemon were. Within minutes my friends were able to break free of the restraints on them and began to destroy the place. Once they got a little rage out of their systems, they got the other cages opened. We then attacked the scientists. Many got badly hurt, but they escaped in their own helicopters, atop the roof. We then waged war on the rest of this laboratory. Geodudes and Golems took out walls, Charizards burnt most of the computers up and others did the same such things. I myself broke out windows and ripped up doors." A grin slid over Abby's face as she remembered the destruction.

Reaching a hand over, Kory gently touched Abby's soft fur. "That's horrible," he whispered.

Abby shook her head. "No, what was horrible was that they escaped. Most of the Pokemon went their own seperate ways, but some of us stayed here. The scientists probably think we all died or escaped, because they have never returned. Don't feel sorry, feel mad."

Kory stood up and gave a careful pat to Abby. He knew how hard it must have been for her to talk about this. To rehash so much of her painful history. She did not want a drop of pity though. "I do feel mad. Very mad." Kory stopped for a second before continuing. "I need to go back to that machine. Do you want to come with me? Battle with me, travel with me, be my Pokemon."

Abby stayed still for a minute as she thought this over before she smiled at Kory, exposing sharp white teeth. "I would like that Kory, but I want to see your battling technique first. I also won't travel in the Poke'Ball except for perhaps the capture. I also want to bring my friends if they are willing to come. Or perhaps you should give your gang time to cool off and stay on Poke'Earth for a while," she suggested as she stood up.

"Maybe I will. You do realize you could get hurt battling me?" Kory asked as he pulled a small blue and gold Poke'Ball from inside his pant's pocket.

"Yes, I do. That's why there is a Poke'Center Station inside that room there," Abby gave a nod to a small door right off from the entrance.

Running over, Kory entered into the door. He was greeted with a sight of a small room filled with dust. The lime green paint in this room was peeling as well, but as Abby said, there was a large red and white Poke'Center Station. He found a small generator near it which he flipped on. He then put the Poke'Balls holding Jolt and Lotad in the machine so they could heal themselves. Sneezing from the dust, Kory walked out of the room to see Abby staring at him thoughtfully. "Ready?" he asked her and then threw the blue and gold ball at the ground.

In a flash of gold light, the ball opened. A large blue sea creature stood in its place. It had the body of a twenty foot tall snake with gold and sea blue scales. Large catfish whiskers came from the sides of the creatures large red mouth. Long, scary looking teeth filled the mouth as the Pokemon let out a roar, its light green eyes ablaze. It had bright white and violet fins that covered the top of its head and down its spine.

"This is Gyarados, or Larry. He is one of my other friends," Kory said as he gently patted one of the hard blue scales.

Abby's eyes widened at the sight of the Gyarados, but then she closed them with a smirk. Taking several steps back from Larry, she stopped and then broke into a run. As she neared Larry, she jumped and slashed him several times across the chest and his fish-like tail using the blade she had on her head. The cuts she left broke Larry's skin, but did not go very far into his tough scales.

"Use your Aqua Tail attack!" Kory called out to Larry. Letting out a hiss of anger, Larry swung his massive tail around in a circle across the tiled floor. He then pounded it down twice beside Abby, sending the intelligent Pokemon flying to the ground in a flurry of white and black fur. Then a small suction duck on Larry's tail opened to spray a forceful stream of white water at Abby, hitting her in the chest and sending her flying across the room. As she landed, the poor Pokemon's back dug up some of the red tiles and caused her to howl in pain.

Standing up, Abby looked at Larry with anger in her eyes and ran at him, her bright fur becoming nothing but a blur. Larry tried to move his large body out of the way, but he was slow and Abby was lightning fast as she bit and scratched Larry's scales. A couple of her attacks managed to hit under the edges of his scales causing the big Pokemon to roar in pain.

"It's okay Larry!" Kory called out. "Use your Ice Fang attack."

Larry obeyed. With a growl, he lunged down at Abby. The much smaller Pokemon was able to leap to the side to avoid his first lunge, but ran into his tail. As she stood up again, Larry lunged again and bit down on the pale Pokemon's sides. While biting down hard, his fangs started to glow a bright blue color and Abby let a yell as he released.

Running away from Larry, Abby glared back as her sides heaved from the effort of breathing. Then slowly turning to fully face Larry, the started to inhale and exhale as a light green glow came from her body. As the dirty white Pokemon prepared for the Razor Wind attack she was doing, Larry attacked her. A heavy jet of blue and white water rushed from his mouth in a thick stream, hitting Abby with full force and pinning her to the ground. As the attack stopped, Abby stood up and shook of her soaking wet coat. The green glow she had earlier returned. A light wind seemed to start as Abby opened her mouth to scream at Larry. Then the wind picked up, blowing hard through the broken windows and doors.

"Oww!" snapped Kory, holding his cheek. A single drop of blood slid down it where a leaf had smacked him with high force. Seeing what was happening, Kory hurridly backed away from Larry as leaves started flying through any available hole. They all flew at Larry, smacking and slicing into his weak spots where thick scales did not exist. Larry let out a roar that made the building shake a little as the attack finally came to an end.

"C'mon! Use Twister!" Kory yelled to Larry. Quickly, Larry took a very deep breath and let it out. As it came from his mouth, it stirred up the dust into a small funnel. Using his tail and breath, Larry was able to make the funnel grow to about ten feet high. Giving it a hard blow of his breath, Larry sent it flying towards Abby. She tried to run away from it, clambering up the staircase, but the tunnel followed. The tiny Twister ripped up stone in places where it was weak as it followed the Absol up the stairs and into a small room to the side. All this time, it grew in strength until it was about fifteen feet high. Kory rushed to the staircase to see what was happening just as Absol went flying out from the room and banged down the steps. She had been caught up in the Twister and sent flying.

"That...hurt," Abby sputtered out as she forced herself to stand. Once she was standing, she focused on Larry, who was only a few feet away now. With a snarl, she jumped onto him and climbed up to his face, using his scales as footholds. When she got to Larry's face, she stretched back a paw and slashed him across the face using her sharp claws. As Larry roared back, three bloody scars his cream and blue face, the weakening Absol lost her grip and fell, smacking into the ground with a painful thud.

Abby moaned deep in her throat as she tried a failed attempt at standing. As cool Absol struggled, Larry let out a small cry. He was shaking slightly from the repeated attacks; little droplets of blood covered his face from the Razor Wind and from Abby's Scratch attack.

"You'll make it buddy!" Kory told him as he ran over to Larry. He gently patted Larry's scales as he looked at the worn out Absol. A twinge in his heart at the sight of Abby panting and shaking was the only clue that Kory felt bad about how hard the fight was going. "Wanna give up?" he asked her.

"Never!" she snapped back, finally giving herself a hard push so she was standing on wobbly knees.

"I didn't expect you too," Kory smiled. "Use Hyper Beam to finish this battle!" he commanded his Gyarados

Larry took a deep breath and closed his eyes. A light red glow started to appear around his head as his eyes snapped back open. Abby tried to run away, but her walking was not very good. At best, it was sluggish and painful. Larry was able to take easy aim of her than and opened his huge mouth to let loose a thin, pearly white beam of power. As it hit the Absol and sent her soft body slamming into the ground, the beam of energy grew thicker and changed colors so it was a very pale pink now. It finally stopped striking Abby and Gyarados fell to the ground so he could recover. Ignoring the the fact the floor had just finished shaking when the big Pokemon fell, Kory patted him. "It'll be okay buddy, you fought very well," he told the giant Pokemon, his hands gently petting the rough blue scales. Taking out Larry's Poke'Ball, Kory threw it at the Gyarados, pulling Larry into it with a flash of blue light. He then turned around and started making his way over to Abby.

As Kory reached her, he stooped down and gently touched a lock of her soaking wet fur. "Are you okay?" Kory's voice came out with a tinge of concern in it.

Abby looked up at him, sweat sliding into her pale eyes. Sending water and sweat drops flying, she shook her head. "I am fine. I may go with you, if I feel like it," she replied evenly, keeping her pretty blue eyes on Kory's dark blue ones.

He nodded and pulled out an extra Poke'Ball from a side pocket on his pants. The black and dark red Poke'Ball grew bigger in his hand as he prepared to throw it. Abby closed her eyes and Kory threw the Poke'Ball, sucking Abby into it with a burst of green light. Lets hope she allows herself to be captured, though I am not sure "captured" is the right word for such a smart Pokemon like Abby, Kory thought as he watched the Poke'Ball start to shake. I hate how she was treated. Perhaps I should give the Gravlers a little time to cool down. I could find these scientists who did those horrible things. I may steal, deceive and perhaps lie a little to cover my butt, but I would never experiment on Pokemon like that! If she decides to come with me, I think I'll help her find those bad guys. Then let her and her pals exact their own revenge. A grin crossed Kory's face. He wasn't a cruel boy and he wasn't given to helping just anybody out. In his core, he was a nice person, though the personality most people saw was usually cool, or even cold. Kory was starting to feel less stressed and more happy now that he had a plan worked out now. To help Abby.
~~~
Copywrite 2009 by Dragoness

-
Pokemon going for: Lotad and Absol
Characters Needed: (For both Pokemon combined) 35,000 - 50,000
Characters I have: 49,059
Words: Approx. 9,000


Part of this is my first Story Deal. Somebody wanted to get a Lotad and I wanted my Absol.
---
Ready to be graded! :) Thanks for reading!
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Last edited by Dragoness; 04-18-2009 at 10:20 AM. Reason: What else? Fixing them errors!
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  #5  
Old 04-17-2009, 10:16 PM
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Default Re: Outta this World!

Hmmm... This was a toughie, I'll admit. Well, here it goes:

Introduction:

Well, it was certainly attention-grabbing. Overall, I would say you did a pretty good job on the introduction. Over the first few paragraphs, I was able to get a sense of what Kory looked like, the setting, and the plot worked itself into the story very smoothly. So, yeah...

Story/Plot:

I think here is where I've got the most to say. Your plot started off pretty strong, with Kory planning a huge heist of some sort and eventually carrying it out... I was hooked up until about where he met Abby, at which point the plot came a bit... detached, I think is the word I'm looking for. My problem is that the plotline that includes the old lab seems cut really short, whereas I would have personally liked to know a lot more about the laboratory's history before Kory went straight into the battle. For example, what kind of torture were the Pokemon subjected to that made them so hate-filled and bitter, as Abby seems? How exactly did they gain the ability to speak English... and to destroy the laboratory?

One thing you did exceedingly well at was pulling in threads that sounded as though they should have gone on to foreshadow an event in the future, but didn't, or which could have been turned into some really cool plot twists. One big one I noticed was the point at which Kory describes the room to himself in detail, and you go out of your way to explain why. At the surface, it just seems like a really corny way to tell the reader how the setting looked. However, as I read it, I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be cool if this came into play later on, and by describing a room to himself Kory suddenly notices a way to escape that he never would have seen before?" Or something along those lines. Another little thread I expected to go somewhere was the confrontation at the beginning with Jake. I expected Jake to somehow turn on Kory later in retaliation, perhaps betraying him or the Moon Gravlers to the authorities.

As it was, the story had a fairly interesting plot line, with an obviously huge plot twist right in the middle. However, the plot as it occurred after the time travel was a little bit bland, and, as I stated, seemed like it could have been developed a lot more.

Description:

Your description in some parts was very strong, while in others a little less so, though I don't think I saw any parts that really stuck out as really bland due to lack of description. One note to keep in mind is that it's always a good idea to search for more vivid adjectives when you write. I noticed that whenever you refer to different characters, you usually only have one or two ways to do so. For example, Abby was always "Abby" or "the Absol." It really spices up your writing when you find different words to do this. For example, Absol could have also been described as, "the white Pokemon," "the dark Pokemon," "the dog-like Pokemon;" the list goes on and on. Just don't get yourself stuck in a rut. Otherwise, you did a pretty good job. Keep it up! ^_^

Grammar:

For the most part, your grammar was fine, and most of the mistakes were little ones that could have been caught with more diligent proofreading, rather than errors that occurred over and over, though I did see one, as evidenced by these two quotes here:

Quote:
a) We're set the ship to invisible mode and land right behind the warehouse.

b) "You're make it buddy!"
I wouldn't have mentioned it, but I know it happened in at least one other place as well. For some reason you ended a couple of contractions with -'re that should have ended in -'ll. I don't know why that is, but it caught my eye because it happened a lot.

Quote:
All told, you were talking into the hundred thousand S-Chips range.
When you use 'you' in your narration, you've switched from third into second person. When you write from the third person, you shouldn't address the leader because they weren't actually there, though I understand what the sentence was supposed to convey.

Quote:
"That's fine Gela! Just, umm, be careful about getting to Tauro without being spotted. You have the Kazham teleporter?" asked Kory, quickly trying to wipe any bits of food that may have gotten smeared onto his pale chin. Gela nodded that yes, she did have the Abzhama teleporter.
I don't know whether this should really go in the description section or the grammar section, but it goes along with the proofreading, so I put it here. You may notice that you called the teleporter two different thing. My guess is you just missed it as you were writing. This is one of the reasons why you need to look over your writing closely.

Length:

Almost the maximum recommended. No qualms here.

Battle:

Well, there's not a lot that I can say here that I haven't already. Overall, I would say that you should just pick more vivid adjectives to describe the effects of the Pokemons' attacks. Otherwise, you had most of the normal qualities that a battle should: They were clearly two-sided, a variety of attacks were used, and the Pokemon didn't just seem to stay stationary in Pokemon Stadium fashion, and they were both quite long. All in all, you did a pretty good job with the battles.

Overall:

I said this was tough, and I meant it. You did well in this story, but you didn't excel in any specific area. And when you're writing for a Complex 'mon, with a Simple one on top of that, I would expect a little more... Okay, so Lotad definitely captured, and Absol... is going to wait a little longer. If you want, you can just take the Lotad and run with it. However, to catch Absol, I would like you to add in a longer storyline involving the laboratory and Absol's sad story, which I felt was just cut too short. You can do this any number of ways, I just want to know how Absol got there and what happened, in more detail. Overall, good job, and I wish you good luck in whatever you choose to do! And, if you do decide to improve on the story, just PM me and I'll come take a look.
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I can probably take some grading requests now. But don't all rush me at once. :/

Last edited by Elrond; 04-17-2009 at 11:36 PM.
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Old 04-18-2009, 06:38 AM
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Default Re: Outta This World!

Thank you for the grade! :) I sometimes do seem to switch between second and third-person, but I don't always catch myself doing it :( Sad thing is I proofread this at least five times.

Alright, well I fixed up the part where Abby tells more about her past. I was kinda saving some of that for the second chapter, but I can (and did) put it in here.

I also edited the battle a little and fixed some parts to say "Wolf-like Pokemon" or "The worn out Absol". There are still a couple quotes like "The Absol" but I figure that as long as there are only a couple, then it will add to the story, or at least not detract from it.

I am fixing up a couple minor grammer errors and then sending you a PM for a regrade. Either today or tomorrow :) One last thing: I put the new dialoge between Abby and Kory right here, so you don't have to go searching for it.

Quote:
A thought suddenly occurred to Kory. "Hey, I've told you all about my life. Why don't you tell me about yours? How did they destroy this place? And what exactly did the scientists do to you guys?" As soon as the words were out of Kory's mouth, he wished he could take them back. It felt wrong asking Abby to spill the beans on whatever horrible things had happened to her.

Abby did not seem to mind though. She closed her eyes for a second and then began to talk, her voice emotionless. "I was a wild Absol, maybe twenty-five or so. In human years, that'd be more like five years. Anyway, I used to live in a small forest on the mainland, maybe a half-hours swim from here for a strong Pokemon," Abby paused, her eyes growing colder. "One day, while trying to find some sweet berries, an old man came up behind me. He was tall and pale, wearing all black and he had a little gray beard. I thought he may have wanted to capture me. I figured I could fight whatever Pokemon he sent..." Anger started to fill Abby's voice.

"But he didn't send any Pokemon. Instead he pulled out a purple Poke'Ball with moving vines on it, like one I've never seen before. When he threw it, it opened up and a net fell over. I tried to cut the net, but it was like it was made of black water. But the water never fell into a puddle and I could not cut through it. I fell dizzy and blacked out. When I woke up, I was in a steel cage, in one of the upper rooms here."

Abby's breathing increased and she almost shook with anger and a little fear. She was both furious and still scared when she thought of what happened to her a couple years ago. She continued on though, refusing to stop her story.

"They injected us with some liquids. Some of them made me feel stronger, but others made me throw up for hours." The white and black Pokemon's voice rose up to an alarming level. "They never said who they were working for, only that they were called the Rose-Pokemon Science Team. Those...people wanted to make us very strong and smart, but obediant. Well, after enough experimenting, they got two-thirds of what they wanted. We were all very smart and powerful, but so full of hate we could never obey them!" Abby paused to take a breath, her eyes ablaze with fury.

"Besides those injections, they gave some us strange food. It was a jell-like substance that tasted nasty. The scientists forced it down our throat. After a few days, I began to talk English. They were happy, but dismayed that my power level shot down to that of a normal Absol. The same happened with the other Pokemon."

"We formed a plan though. The ones whose strength had grown quite strong, they pretended to be very sick. Well, we were all sick anyway, they just made it seem like they were on their death bed. Those humans took some of them out of the cages. They made the mistake of not only taking six of those Pokemon all out at the same time, but they underestimated how strong the Pokemon were. Within minutes my friends were able to break free of the restraints on them and began to destroy the place. Once they got a little rage out of their systems, they got the other cages opened. We then attacked the scientists. Many got badly hurt, but they escaped in their own helicopters, atop the roof. We then waged war on the rest of this laboratory. Geodudes and Golems took out walls, Charizards burnt most of the computers up and others did the same such things. I myself broke out windows and ripped up doors." A grin slid over Abby's face as she remembered the destruction.

Reaching a hand over, Kory gently touched Abby's soft fur. "That's horrible," he whispered.

Abby shook her head. "No, what was horrible was that they escaped. Most of the Pokemon went their own seperate ways, but some of us stayed here. The scientists probably think we all died or escaped, because they have never returned. Don't feel sorry, feel mad."

Kory stood up and gave a careful pat to Abby. He knew how hard it must have been for her to talk about this. To rehash so much of her painful history. She did not want a drop of pity though. "I do feel mad. Very mad." Kory stopped for a second before continuing. "I need to go back to that machine. Do you want to come with me? Battle with me, travel with me, be my Pokemon."


And after fixing a couple grammer errors, I put some more editing at the bottom that has to do with Kory and poor Abby.

Quote:
He nodded and pulled out an extra Poke'Ball from a side pocket on his pants. The black and dark red Poke'Ball grew bigger in his hand as he prepared to throw it. Abby closed her eyes and Kory threw the Poke'Ball, sucking Abby into it with a burst of green light. Lets hope she allows herself to be captured, though I am not sure "captured" is the right word for such a smart Pokemon like Abby, Kory thought as he watched the Poke'Ball start to shake. I hate how she was treated. Perhaps I should give the Gravlers a little time to cool down. I could find these scientists who did those horrible things. I may steal, deceive and perhaps lie a little to cover my butt, but I would never experiment on Pokemon like that! If she decides to come with me, I think I'll help her find those bad guys. Then let her and her pals exact their own revenge. A grin crossed Kory's face. He wasn't a cruel boy and he wasn't given to helping just anybody out. In his core, he was a nice person, though the personality most people saw was usually cool, or even cold. Kory was starting to feel less stressed and more happy now that he had a plan worked out now. To help Abby.


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Last edited by Dragoness; 04-18-2009 at 10:20 AM.
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Old 04-18-2009, 01:08 PM
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Default Re: Outta This World!

Alright, I like it. ^_^

Good job. I'm still a little on the edge, just because of the overall story, but you did what I asked, so I have no problem saying Absol captured!
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Old 04-18-2009, 02:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Elrond View Post
Alright, I like it. ^_^

Good job. I'm still a little on the edge, just because of the overall story, but you did what I asked, so I have no problem saying Absol captured!
Thank you very much! :) Awesome. Thanks for the advice on the story. I'll try to improve as best I can next time.
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