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Old 04-10-2009, 02:29 AM
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Default Thaumaturgians

Just so you know, the incantations are in Greek letters. I think it'd be useful to the reader to tell you what each spell does, just in case...

πυρκαγιά: Shoots fireballs
θραύσμα βλήματος: Shoots sharp bits of steel similar to shrapnel
σταματώ: Halts target
βλήμα: Fires a missile of energy
σφίγγω: Conjures vines that constrict the target
κινώ: Teleports user
κύμα: Conjures a wave
ακτινοβολώ πυρκαγιά: Shoots fireballs in all directions
μεταβάλλω: Transforms target
καλώ ____: Summons object, object placed in '____'
θέληση: "Willpower attack", blast launched from user's body, the bigger the user's willpower, the bigger the blast

Also, if you want to know how this fits into the history of ancient civilizations... The Greek rule started on Crete, somewhere around early 2,900 B.C.E., which I thought would be convenient to tell you since I took the time to research that. Exactly how that fits into the story, you'll find out.


Ancient civilizations are, in a way, similar to the high tech Transformers - there's more to them than meets the eye. Take the Thaumaturgians, for example.


2,717 B.C.E.


Fireballs crossed the dark midnight sky, coming from the end of a tall wooden staff. Wielding the long staff with both hands was a figure wearing a hood of dark purple. Long, hazelnut hair draped over the figure's black eyes. His pale skin was lit up by the fireballs flying around him in the midst of a city built of amethyst - one of the Thaumaturgian cities.

"Die!" growled the man, watching as the fireballs impacted on men wearing togas, also wielding staffs - part of the Greek rebellion. As they collapsed, more men in toga replaced them, launching more fireballs from their staff as they shouted incantations.

"Reinforcements are here, Ajax!" The man, Ajax, turned as he heard the sound of a familiar voice behind him. The first thing he saw was more figures approaching, wearing similar cloaks and carrying staffs.

"θραύσμα βλήματος!"

"Behind you, Ajax!" shouted one of the troops, "σταματώ!"

Ajax turned, and saw many bits of sharp steel halted in midair by his ally's halting spell.

"Thanks for the save, Alec!" Ajax yelled gratefully, pointing his staff at the hostile, "βλήμα!"

A projectile of green energy ejected from Ajax's staff, piercing through the Greek spellcaster. However, just as Ajax was about to pat himself on the shoulder, another one stepped in front of the fallen man and yelled, "σφίγγω!" Conjured vines leapt from his staff and constricted Ajax.

"The exec needs help, the exec needs help!" hollered one of the purple cloaked troops, referring to Ajax.

"I'm on it!" Alec said, "πυρκαγιά!" Fireballs immediately left his staff, all of them zooming towards the surprised vine-conjurer. As he died, the vines immediately loosened their grip on Ajax.

"Once again I'm in your debt, Alec," thanked Ajax as he breathed.

Alec nodded, then swung his staff to smash a shard of ice that had been flying towards him.

"Ugh, we've got to retreat! Head to Crete, Regrouping Point 3!" yelled Ajax as more enemy reinforcements rushed to the circular town center to fight.

"Got it! κινώ!" shouted one of Ajax's troops, teleporting away. The other troops repeated the spell, teleporting away.

"κινώ!" mimicked Ajax, focusing on the familiar hills of Crete.


And suddenly, he was gone, teleported away by his spell. Ajax looked around. There he and his troops were: at the grassy hills of Crete. The morning sun was slowly rising from the east, her golden rays of light snaking around the hills around Ajax and his Thaumaturgian soldiers. They were the last of the Thaumaturgians, the rest wiped out by Greeks.

"Well, men, what are we to do?" Ajax faced his troops.

"We should fight the Greeks! We are mighty spellcasters, while they are ants! They should stay where they belong: under our feet!" growled one of the men.

"Ants though they are, they have spread like a plague, now they greatly outnumber us. As such, they outpower us," Ajax sighed.

"As long as we have shoes large enough, any amount of ants can be crushed! And as long as we have willpower great enough, the Greeks can be crushed!" another Thaumaturgian retorted angrily.

"Very well. Let's check our willpower and have a vote. Will those who want to fight the Greeks please raise their hands?" Ajax asked.

Hands flew up into the sky. Ajax saw very few Thaumaturgians with their hands down. Ajax sighed. Though it was against his will and he was the leader of his troops, his troops were ultimately his leader.

"I guess... We're fighting the Greeks!" announced Ajax, trying to sound confident.

The troops roared in approval, some waving their staffs in the air.

The decision was made not a second too late, either. The Greek army suddenly appeared on a hill, a familiar navy blue aura around them. Ajax recognized it as the aura created by the "teleport-to-target" spell, and figure that the Greeks had followed them using that very spell.

And the chaos began. The Greeks had the advantage of surprise and managed to loose an assorted stream of attacks into the midst of the Thaumaturgians, but they quickly recovered, countering spells with spells. Incantations were yelled, screamed, and roared ferociously, all mingling with each other to become the roar of war.

Ajax rushed to the front of the battle alongside his men, shouting spells and counterspells. He watched his enemies fall, but he watched even more of his allies taste the soil.

"κύμα!" Ajax shouted, pointing his staff at the wave of enemies. A wave of his own left his staff and swept over his enemies, the powerful currents drowning them. However, once the wave abided, more Greeks approached. One of them yelled something inaudible, and Ajax toppled over, falling to the ground. The last thing he saw was one of his purple-cloaked men struck by lightning, no doubt conjured by a hostile. Then, all was dark.


When Ajax returned to the land of the conscious, the first thing he noticed was the many purple-cloaked men lying on the ground, most likely dead. Many Greeks were amongst them, but it looked like the Greeks had won the battle. Ajax doubted any of his troops survived save him.

Ajax looked around the hills. The sun was now pretty high up in the sky - it looked like noon. Ajax saw many footprints imprinted on the grass leading away from the hills to the Thaumaturgian city of Crete. The Greeks had mostly likely went there and claimed the city. Ajax knew that instead of the familiar amethyst buildings, the Greeks would have had turned them all to marble with a spell. Ajax knew hope was gone for the Thaumaturgians, but he, the last Thaumaturgian, would die fighting for them. He wouldn't live, but neither would many Greeks after his assault. The amount of dead Greeks would, in the end, be big.

Ajax followed the footprints laid down on the hills by the Greeks, walking up and down perhaps two hills before arriving at the magnificent city of Crete. It had been the Thaumaturgians' greatest city - now Greekified. As Ajax had guessed, the entire city was no longer built of the familiar purple gemstone, but was now the faded white metamorphic rock the Greeks coveted so much. Ajax saw some Greeks patrolling the perimeter of the city, and decided to teleport into the midst of the city. Focusing on the familiar city square, Ajax murmured, "κινώ!"


Silence. Dead silence. Ajax saw many Greeks, all wearing white togas and wielding staffs. There were men, women and children, all staring at him in a combination of surprise and confusion. Ajax used this to his advantage and yelled, "ακτινοβολώ πυρκαγιά!" As he roared the spell, he thrust his staff high in the air. From the point, fireballs quickly rained down in all directions. Ajax could feel their heat, and knew his spell had been a strong one. As the fireballs impacted around him, he watched triumphantly as the Greeks crumpled after being hit by the flames.

"Greeks, fall back!"

Ajax turned. A lone Greek was running towards him, barking for the other Greeks to find shelter. This Greek looked more experienced in battle than the other Greeks - perhaps it was the many scars visible on his body or the look on his gaunt face. His hardened eyes and well-built body showed he would go to any lengths to defeat his opponents, even if it meant using his staff physically.

"Hey, exactly who are you, hmm?" asked Ajax.

"My name is Miles," the Greek answered calmly.

"Miles as in General Miles of the Greek army?" Ajax asked. He had heard rumors of this General Miles. He was an extremely strong warrior who left no survivors in the battlefield. Ajax felt a twinge of fear, but relinquished it with the knowledge that he had nothing to lose.

Ajax got into a fighting stance, holding his staff ready for quick usage. Miles calmly motioned for Ajax to make the first move, which surprised him because Ajax had expected Miles to come quickly and with power, not ask Ajax to attack without even getting into a fighting stance.

Ajax knew Miles was the greater spellcaster, so he decided to incapacitate him first.

"μεταβάλλω!" roared Ajax, conjuring an image of a Pokemon in his mind. Pokemon were mythologic creatures that were rumored to live in the deepest pits of hell for they were the lowest of the low. Thaumaturgians often transformed their targets into Pokemon if the normal hit-and-run didn't work. The Pokemon Ajax had in mind was particularly low: Slowpoke.

A spark of blue-green energy left Ajax's staff at the speed of light - one of the reasons why the transformation spell was the signature move of Thaumaturgians. Despite that, the transformation spell was one rarely used by Thaumaturgians. If the spell was stolen by the Greeks, then the Thaumaturgians would have absolutely no chance against them.

Miles suddenly exploded in a flash of white light. Once the light faded, Miles was replaced by a fat, pink pig-like animal. However, his snout was flattened and brown. His eyes were large, unlike a normal pig's. Also, his tail was long and straight, unlike a pig's short and twisted one. On the top of his tail was a white tip.

Ajax smiled, satisfied. "βλήμα!"

A missile of energy left Ajax's staff, speeding straight towards Miles. However, Miles easily uttered something inaudible and mirrored the missile back at Ajax - undoubtedly a spell, though Ajax couldn't identify which spell it was because Miles' uttered the incantation so quietly.

Ajax rolled to avoid the missile, and swore. Whatever he did, Miles would just reflect back at him. Then, he knew what he could do.

"φυλακή!" yelled Ajax. A jail cell created of energy shimmered to life around Miles. However, Miles muttered a spell with his staff, causing the jail to shimmer back into unexistance.

"Crap..." Ajax murmured. Now he knew how Miles was such a terror in the battlefield. He never attacked, but by reflecting his opponent's attacks back at them, they would die at the hands of Miles himself. Any attempt to hinder Miles via a condition or trap could be easily countered against, and all quietly so the original spellcaster wouldn't notice until it was too late.

"Face it - you can't beat me," Miles laughed, "Defense is the ultimate offense!"

"Perhaps so, but I don't lose! καλώ Miles staff!" yelled Ajax. Miles' staff flew into Ajax's hands. Ajax smiled. Without his staff, Miles was defeated.

"No, my staff!" cried Miles, letting despair creep into his facial expressions for once.

"Heh, it's over! φυλακή!" Ajax bellowed. Again, a prison shimmered to life around Miles.

"I will never lose!" swore Miles angrily, "θέληση!"

Somehow, Miles managed to conjure a spell without a staff. That spell had been the willpower spell - a burst of energy would explode from the user, though the blast radius would be as strong as the user's willpower. Ajax watched as the blast rushed towards him, and his last hope was that his jail cell managed to ensnare Miles - once a spellcaster dies, any long-term spells such as the prison spell will remain casted forever.

Going For: Slowpoke
Characters: 11178
Characters Required: 10,000+
Status: Complete

Last edited by Nitro; 04-21-2009 at 12:46 AM.
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Old 04-20-2009, 03:57 PM
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Default Re: Thaumaturgians

Okay, so Iím grading this.


As far as intros go, this one was just fine. It definitely grabbed my attention with action and it also gave a brief description of the main character. However, I would have liked a more in-depth description of the setting. As it was, the only thing I could see was that they were in a Ďcity built of amethyst.í This is intriguing, and not something you should just say and assume your readers will understand. You should really have expanded on this a lot more because it would have been a really cool image to have in my head, and in general stories should have a fairly good description of the setting anyway.


The plot by itself was fairly bland. Sure, there were big battle scenes (which could have been much bigger), but if you look at popular stories about war (a la Lord of the Rings), thereís a lot more than just battling going on. No, Iím not encouraging you to write like J.R.R. Tolkien, but I think you should have expanded on the plot a whole lot more, especially concerning who the Thaumaturgians actually are, what they stand for, etc.
Having more plot twists with an actual storyline helps.

However, my biggest problem with the plot was the fact that it was hardly related to Pokemon at all. Maybe itís just my fault for being obtuse, but I didnít get that Miles was supposed to accidentally have been turned into a Slowpoke until I finished the story and was like, ďWhat Pokemon is he even going for?Ē Some graders may have a different opinion, and consider it creativity, but I personally thought you went a bit too far without relating the story to Pokemon in a more coherent way.


For the most part, you described stuff really well. However, as I already mentioned, itís always possible to develop your description even more, and to use more vivid adjectives. The greatest piece of advice I would give based on this story is to remember that sight isnít your only sense. Make sure you immerse yourself in your own story and think about how things sound, smell, feel, and even taste every once in a while to really make your reader be able to imagine the story the way you do.


I could be insanely nitpicky and go through the story again, pulling out a million different grammatical errors, but there werenít any that immediately jumped off the page at me as I read, and I think you have a pretty good grasp on the conventions of the English language anyway. If there were any errors, Iím sure they were just typos or mistakes that could have been found with a little extra proofreading, so my advice is to simply make sure you do so every time you write a story.


On the low side of the recommended range, but that doesnít present any problem here.


Unfortunately, I really donít know what to say. Given the usual expectations of a battle, there really wasnít any in the sense that I would look for one. However, after I realized the creative way you tried to work Pokemon into the story, I would say that for the most part it was all right. Again, you could always add more vivid descriptions to your battle to make it more exciting. Otherwise, it seemed to be fairly two-sided and intuitive, so besides the fact that it was a little confusing to relate to Pokemon, it was okay.


As Iíve already told you, Slowpoke not captured. If you want to use these characters in a story to catch Slowpoke, I would suggest going back and really working Pokemon right into the storyline, because the biggest reason I failed the story was its lack of Pokemon-ness. You could also take a look at the plot in general and add a few different scenes in to make it more creative and exciting if youíd like. If you do choose to edit this story, PM me anytime for a regrade.

SotaOMG (10:05:46 PM): i think stunky is sexy
iamnotyou11 (10:05:54 PM): Soda stop being gay (10:06:03 PM): ironic statement?
I can probably take some grading requests now. But don't all rush me at once. :/
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Old 04-21-2009, 01:04 AM
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Elrond Offline
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Default Re: Thaumaturgians

Okay, I suppose the rest of the story wasn't bad enough to drag the entire thing down with the edit you made, so I'll say Slowpoke captured.

Have fun with your transfigured Greek.

SotaOMG (10:05:46 PM): i think stunky is sexy
iamnotyou11 (10:05:54 PM): Soda stop being gay (10:06:03 PM): ironic statement?
I can probably take some grading requests now. But don't all rush me at once. :/
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