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  #1  
Old 04-01-2009, 10:38 PM
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Default OMGIMATHEBEACH! and Other Stories (but not really)

Forgot to mention, maybe a little PG-13 ish. Some suggestive themes and such, but not much.

OMGIMATHEBEACH! and Other Stories (but not really)



“HELL YES!” I exclaimed. Our car had just passed a sign that read, “ Welcome to OMGIMATHEBEACH!, Florida.” My Family was bored of the same-ol, same-ol, so we decided to take a vacation in the middle of January. It is sad to say, school will not be missed. By missed, of course I mean, I will not miss being there, while everyone else is going to school. I hope they don’t start asking about my grandmothers funeral after I return…


Somehow, we were able to bring along my best friend, Osama, on the trip with us. He’s about my height, 5’9” with blond hair, like mine and my mothers. We are actually mistaken for twins quite often. The only real difference between us is that I have much broader shoulders and a bulkier build. I find it interesting how we both look strikingly like my mother, though he is in no way related to me… I’m pretty sure. His parents agreed to let him go, probably because they think he needs to stop playing with his Pokemon constantly, get out of the house, and meet some girls. What better place to do that than on the beach, right?


Hours later, after we check in to our hotel and things such as that, Osama and I headed down to the beach. My parents, exhausted from the long drive from our hometown, stayed in the hotel to relax. On our way down to the shore, we realized, we had not seen anybody walking the streets when we passed by the flea market. When we reached the beach, nobody was there. It was a completely barren plane of white sand, not a person in sight in either direction.


“ Zeke, man, this sucks,” grumbled Osama, “ my parents are gonna kill me if I come back without getting any action.” I guess I hadn’t mentioned before, my parents were high when they named me. What kind of parent names their kid Zeke?


Seeing that there was little to do at the beach, Osama and I headed back up into town to investigate this peculiar incident. You’d think that there would be plenty of people out on the beach in the middle on January with no good reason to be.


When we reached the downtown area, the place seemed like a ghost town. No noise could be heard, no people could be seen. “ This is beginning to really freak, dude.” Osama whimpered. It looked like everybody had just suddenly disappeared, or left without being able to take their belongings with them. Some moldy fruit was still sitting in baskets to be sold labeled, “Fresh.”


“Calm down,” I said, “ If there’s nothing here, there’s nothing to be afraid of.” We walked about for a while longer, until we heard a noise. I was coming from around the corner. We heard a loud snapping noise, that sounded like a whip, and a lot of moaning.


“ I might just get some action after all!” exclaimed Osama. He ran around the corner ahead of me, before I could react. I had a feeling it wasn’t just because, “his
parents said so.”


I was about to follow him, when I heard the sound of the whip melodically cracking stop. The moaning quieted. There was some commotion I ran to peek around the corner and what I saw was terrifying. It was town square, with a few peculiar additions. There were thousands of humans and their pokemon down in a pit, erecting some sort of monument. Its shape seemed somewhat familiar to me, but I could not place what it was. I saw Osama being chased around the square by large, bulky men with whips and clubs. Something was unusual about these men however. They moved in a strange manner, like they had suffered some nerve damage and were unable to move properly. They sort of waddled around like they had really stiff joints. Zombie-like would be a good way to describe them. They also had a glazed look in their eyes, like they were not looking around so much as staring.


Finally, they cornered him and tossed him into the pit with the other enslaved citizens. Why were they doing this?
“ You, over there!” said one of the men in a monotonous voice, “ Stop! SEIZE HIM!” He was pointing at me! I took off in the direction of the hotel. I knew if I was gonna save Osama and the townspeople, I was gonna need my pokemon. For some reason, I had decided to leave them behind in my suitcase.


I was about a mile from the hotel when I arrived at the flea market. It was bustling with people! “ What’s going on around here?” I asked as I ran into the crowd of people. Suddenly, they all stopped and stared at me.


“There it is, the filthy human,” said one old woman standing nearby, “ Capture it!”. The crowd started waddling toward me awkwardly, just like the men in the square.


I took off toward my hotel, leaving the mob in the dust. When I arrived, I ran inside and rang the bell for the man at the desk. He swiveled around and gave me a strange look. He had the same look as the people at the flea market and the men in the square. He immediately recognized that I was clearly not one of them, whatever it was they happened to be. The man suddenly shouted in a monotonous tone, “ I have found the intruder! Get him!”


I sprinted toward the room with the room key ready and the man awkwardly waddling close behind. Hotel staff began filing out of every hallway and room to get me, as the man whom was at the desk continued to shout for my capture.


I finally made it to my room! I began to move toward the key card slot, when the door opened. I found myself face to stomach with a large, six foot tall maid. She grabbed at me, but I quickly dove between her legs and slid toward my suitcase. I quickly unzipped it, and pulled out four poke’ balls. I threw all four toward the woman, hoping for the best.


Emerging from the flash of bright light, were my four best pokemon. Vigoroth, stood there, twitching, ready for a fight, like a man after far to many drinks. It stood, slouching, it’s arms hanging in front of it’s body like two limp sausages. To his right, was my trusty Sneasel, ever ready to strike, if necessary. It stood up straight, it’s eyes shifting from right to left. It was sharpening it’s claws against each other nervously, as if it was anticipating the battle to come. My Machoke stood next to Sneasel and he was cracking his huge knuckles, ready for a fight. It was leaning against the wall, quite relaxed, almost as if it had no idea that I had summoned it from it’s poke ball for a battle. Farthest to the right, and much to my relief, was my Staravia. It was might first pokemon and the bond we shared was impossible to break. I would trust that pokemon with my life, if it was necessary. It was perched on the dresser next to Machoke, watching the small jellyfish pokemon sprawled across the floor. It stared at it with curiosity, following it’s every move.


“ Guys, we gotta get out of here, try pushing our way through these people and down the hallway!” Machoke and Vigoroth charged and knocked over the lady and ran into the hallway to try and move the people that had been chasing me. As I started toward the door, I noticed something wriggling its way out of the maids apron. I watched it for a minute, until it fully escaped the apron. It was a Tentacool! Tentacool must be latching onto people and and using the a puppets! I kicked the Tentacool out of my way and ran into the hall.


Vigoroth and Machoke we unable to gain any ground and were being repelled by the mob. All of a sudden, Vigoroth, followed by Machoke, charged toward me. Vigoroth grabbed me, and picked me up. He turned into the room and jumped out the window! Sneasel, Machoke and Staravia followed us out. Vigoroth put me down and we ran toward the town square.


After a few close calls with mobs of people controlled by Tentacool, we arrived in the street where Osama and I had first discovered the slaves and the monument. I now recognized it as a statue of a Tentacool. “ Ok guys, Osama and the townspeople are down in that pit. Vigoroth, Machoke, and Sneasel. I want you guys to liberate the slaves and pokemon out here. Staravia and I will move inside the town hall and look for more prisoners.”


I charged into the square flanked by my pokemon. The people looked up from their work and stared. Sneasel rushed down into the pit and began cutting the ropes of the prisoners and pokemon who had been tied to stakes in the ground to prevent their escape. Soon, an enormous battle had broken out in the square against the townspeople and those who had been controlled by the Tentacool. Machoke covered us on our dash toward the town hall, on the opposite side of the square from which we had run, and left us after knocking down the front doors.


Staravia and I ran through the building. We could not find any additional prisoners. Finally, we ended up in the mayor’s office. We burst through the door. A man in a large chair swiveled around to greet us. “ What is that pokemon doing in here?” said the man, “Remove it immediately!”. He did not have the strange, glazed look in his eye like the people who were controlled by Tentacool and seemed to have full control of his muscles like any normal human. His voice even sounded normal.


“ Please sir, help,” I begged him, “ the town has been taken over by filthy, mind-controlling Tentacool!” The man glared at me, then laughed. I did not understand it. Why was he laughing.


The man rose to his feet, still chuckling. “You think we’re filthy do you? I’ll show you filthy!”. Suddenly, the man’s knees buckled, and he fell to the floor unconscious. A Tentacool revealed itself from under his shirt, only this one was different. It was much larger than the average Tentacool. Its head was atleast a foot larger in diameter and its tentacles reached around seven feet long. It was enormous!


“Staravia, use Aerial Ace on the Tentacool!” I exclaimed. The bird pokemon flew toward the ceiling and dove at the Tentacool. The Tentacool, thinking fast, grabbed a bottle from the top of the mayor’s desk in one of it‘s tentacles and broke the bottom off of it against the side of the desk. It fended off Staravia with the sharp edges of the bottle. As Staravia backed off, the Tentacool tossed the bottle at it. Staravia dove, barely avoiding the bottle, which shattered against the wall. A small shard of glass buried itself in Staravia’s back. It shrieked in pain and dove at Tentacool. This move caught the jellyfish off guard. The blow sent it sprawling into a bookcase in the back of the room. The Tentacool, enraged, grabbed the mayor in his tentacles. He then proceeded to chuck the mayor at Staravia. The human hit Staravia in the under belly and knocked it out of the air. Staravia land right in front of Tentacool. It got back up and began to peck at Tentacool. Tentacool pointed one of it’s tentacles to the left. Staravia, distraced, took the bait and looked. Tentacool smacked it in the back of the head. Staravia was sent sprawling to the other end of the room. “Staravia, come over here!”. Staravia flew toward me and landed on my shoulder. “Staravia, use Brave Bird on that Tentacool!” Staravia flew up to the top of the office and stayed level for a moment. Then it shifted position, and dove at the large squid. Just as Staravia was about to make contact, the Tentacool fire a blast of water at Staravia and and began climbing a nearby bookshelf with its tentacles. Staravia lay on the ground in pain. “ Staravia, get up, hurry!” I cried in desperation. As Staravia began to get up from its blow, Tentacool reached the top of the book shelf. It hurled itself off the shelf and head first into Staravia. Staravia was knocked back to the ground, with Tentacool laying on top of it. Before Staravia could retaliate, Tentacool grabbed it and prevented it from moving with its tentacles. “Staravia, do something, quickly, don’t quit on me!” I shouted, with tears in my eyes, as I watched Tentacool brutally beat down on my favorite pokemon. Staravia suddenly launched itself into the air with the Tentacool attached to its back. Frightened, the Tentacool tightened its grip, holding on for dear life. I saw a glint in Staravia’s eye, it was going to win. Then I saw where it was heading. About fifty feet off the ground was the ceiling of the of the mayor’s office. The ceiling fan was on at full power, probably because the Tentacool had needed to keep the temperature in the office down to prevent it from over-heating. Staravia flew right next to it, and quickly turned to avoid hitting the ceiling. The fan’s blades struck Tentacool, sending it spiraling into a wall.


Tentacool was clearly incapacitated. I saw this opportunity and took it. I tossed a poke’ ball at it. All I could do now was wait and see…
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Last edited by We Taste Pies...; 04-14-2009 at 06:09 AM.
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  #2  
Old 04-01-2009, 10:39 PM
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Default Re: OMGIMATHEBEACH! and Other STories (but not really)

Read if you dare, lol. My first story in over two years, please don't grade TOO harshly.

If you're wondering:
Characters: 10394
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  #3  
Old 04-04-2009, 10:24 PM
poke123 Offline
 
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Default Re: OMGIMATHEBEACH! and Other Stories (but not really)

I shall claim this story. Expect a grade within the next few days.
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  #4  
Old 04-14-2009, 03:39 AM
poke123 Offline
 
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Default Re: OMGIMATHEBEACH! and Other Stories (but not really)



Sorry this was late.

Introduction: This was a nice introduction. While it wasnít an action-packed intro, it introduced me to the characters and made me laugh a little. You also managed to cover the basics of an intro, such as introducing the characters, the setting, and beginning to unravel the plot. So, it was pretty good. Congrats on that.


Plot: This was a really great plot, especially for a Pokemon this level. I liked the whole mind control thing. It was a very original plot. I can honestly say that Iíve never read a story about several Tentacool taking over citizensí minds and enslaving other people. This was really well thought of. You really managed to change this story from relaxed to adventurous. It was very well written. You also managed to include some comedy in some parts of the story really well. Good job with that.

Of course, I would have liked to know why the Tentacool wanted to take control of the citizens in the first place, so next time try and include more important details like this. To help you with this answer questions such as: Why did the Tentacool want to enslave people? Why enslave only some of the people? Why enslave that particular city? If you answer questions like these, you can make your plot far more elaborate and interesting.



Description: This was ok. For the most part, you gave basic descriptions. However, I did not know what Zeke and Osama looked like at all. This is a problem because they are the main characters. So, next time, I would suggest describing them as best you can. Also, when you describe something or someone, try and make it flow with the story instead of blatantly saying it. You did not describe any of Zekeís Pokemon either. You described what they were doing, but not what they looked like. I know youíve written stories before, so you know that you shouldnít ignore a Pokemonís description even though this is a Pokemon Forum.

Also, describe things using all your senses. What did the city smell like? Did it smell like a light, salty breeze? How did the sand feel under Zeke's feet? Describing things in other senses greatly improves stories, trust me.

I mean which sounds better?

This one?
Quote:
She lay on the beach and tanned. She felt the wind. She liked the experience.
or this one?
Quote:
As she lay on the cool, granules of sand, the relaxed teenager was bathed in the resplendent sunlight. She smiled as the soft, salty sea breeze seemed to caress her skin ever so gently, sending a pleasant tingling sensation throughout her entire body. It seemed to her that she was living in eternal bliss.
See how you can spice up descriptions?


Grammar: There were some mistakes in this section. Many of them could have been prevented through careful proofreading, so next time proofread it a couple of times before you post the story. Here are some common mistakes I found.


Quote:
six foot tall
Should be
Quote:
six-foot-tall

Quote:
same-ol
I know what you meant, but it should be "same old", but that isn't a big problem.



Quote:
On our way down to the shore, we realized, we had not seen anybody walking the streets when we passed by the flea market.
The comma I highlighted should not be there. This is because it does not separate two clauses. You could just take away the comma or replace it with the word 'that'.


Another thing is never capitalize every letter when someone is speaking. This is unnecessary. Exclamation points can do the exact same thing. There were also some typos here and there.

Another main thing that hindered the story a bit was that you often had verbs of different tenses. One minute you were speaking in the present tense and the next you were speaking in the past tense. It made the story a bit confusing. Try and avoid this in the future.


Length: The length was ok. No complaints here.


Battle: This could use some improvement. The battle was a bit one-sided because Staravia only got one hit in and managed to knock out the Tentacool. I know Tentacool seems weak, but he could have put up more of a fight. The same goes for Staravia. He beat the Tentacool in one hit. While that can happen in the game, doing it in stories just makes the battle dull. Let Tentacool take a few hits to make it more even. Also, try and describe the attacks when they are used. How were they executed? What did it look like when the attack hit the target? Answer some of these questions to add to your battle description. Use your surroundings next time. I really like how you used the ceiling fan to win, but you could have used more. Maybe Staravia toppled over the bookcase or Tentacool used the human as a shield. Doing things like that will help your story greatly.



Outcome: The plot was really good, but the battle and description brought it down. So, Iím gonna have to say TENTACOOL NOT CAPTURED! If you want the jellyfish, just make the battle longer and two-sided. Also, add some type of description for Zeke, Osama, and Zekeís Pokemon. If you want, you can fix up the grammar too, but you donít need to in order to get the Tentacool. PM me for a regrade.

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  #5  
Old 04-14-2009, 06:10 AM
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Default Re: OMGIMATHEBEACH! and Other Stories (but not really)

Quote:
Originally Posted by poke123 View Post


Sorry this was late.

Introduction: This was a nice introduction. While it wasnít an action-packed intro, it introduced me to the characters and made me laugh a little. You also managed to cover the basics of an intro, such as introducing the characters, the setting, and beginning to unravel the plot. So, it was pretty good. Congrats on that.


Plot: This was a really great plot, especially for a Pokemon this level. I liked the whole mind control thing. It was a very original plot. I can honestly say that Iíve never read a story about several Tentacool taking over citizensí minds and enslaving other people. This was really well thought of. You really managed to change this story from relaxed to adventurous. It was very well written. You also managed to include some comedy in some parts of the story really well. Good job with that.

Of course, I would have liked to know why the Tentacool wanted to take control of the citizens in the first place, so next time try and include more important details like this. To help you with this answer questions such as: Why did the Tentacool want to enslave people? Why enslave only some of the people? Why enslave that particular city? If you answer questions like these, you can make your plot far more elaborate and interesting.



Description: This was ok. For the most part, you gave basic descriptions. However, I did not know what Zeke and Osama looked like at all. This is a problem because they are the main characters. So, next time, I would suggest describing them as best you can. Also, when you describe something or someone, try and make it flow with the story instead of blatantly saying it. You did not describe any of Zekeís Pokemon either. You described what they were doing, but not what they looked like. I know youíve written stories before, so you know that you shouldnít ignore a Pokemonís description even though this is a Pokemon Forum.

Also, describe things using all your senses. What did the city smell like? Did it smell like a light, salty breeze? How did the sand feel under Zeke's feet? Describing things in other senses greatly improves stories, trust me.

I mean which sounds better?

This one?


or this one?


See how you can spice up descriptions?


Grammar: There were some mistakes in this section. Many of them could have been prevented through careful proofreading, so next time proofread it a couple of times before you post the story. Here are some common mistakes I found.



Should be




I know what you meant, but it should be "same old", but that isn't a big problem.





The comma I highlighted should not be there. This is because it does not separate two clauses. You could just take away the comma or replace it with the word 'that'.


Another thing is never capitalize every letter when someone is speaking. This is unnecessary. Exclamation points can do the exact same thing. There were also some typos here and there.

Another main thing that hindered the story a bit was that you often had verbs of different tenses. One minute you were speaking in the present tense and the next you were speaking in the past tense. It made the story a bit confusing. Try and avoid this in the future.


Length: The length was ok. No complaints here.


Battle: This could use some improvement. The battle was a bit one-sided because Staravia only got one hit in and managed to knock out the Tentacool. I know Tentacool seems weak, but he could have put up more of a fight. The same goes for Staravia. He beat the Tentacool in one hit. While that can happen in the game, doing it in stories just makes the battle dull. Let Tentacool take a few hits to make it more even. Also, try and describe the attacks when they are used. How were they executed? What did it look like when the attack hit the target? Answer some of these questions to add to your battle description. Use your surroundings next time. I really like how you used the ceiling fan to win, but you could have used more. Maybe Staravia toppled over the bookcase or Tentacool used the human as a shield. Doing things like that will help your story greatly.



Outcome: The plot was really good, but the battle and description brought it down. So, Iím gonna have to say TENTACOOL NOT CAPTURED! If you want the jellyfish, just make the battle longer and two-sided. Also, add some type of description for Zeke, Osama, and Zekeís Pokemon. If you want, you can fix up the grammar too, but you donít need to in order to get the Tentacool. PM me for a regrade.

Added some character/pokemon description and lengthened the battle. Go ahead, grade again if you dare =P
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  #6  
Old 04-18-2009, 12:27 PM
poke123 Offline
 
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Default Re: OMGIMATHEBEACH! and Other Stories (but not really)

Ok, well the description for the characters was better. The stuff you added for the Pokemon was great, but it didn't really describe the Pokemon, you know? What did they look like? However, you did add a longer and two-sided battle. It made me laugh a bit. Anyway, I'll say TENTACOOL CAPTURED!
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Old 04-18-2009, 04:23 PM
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Default Re: OMGIMATHEBEACH! and Other Stories (but not really)

Quote:
Originally Posted by poke123 View Post
Ok, well the description for the characters was better. The stuff you added for the Pokemon was great, but it didn't really describe the Pokemon, you know? What did they look like? However, you did add a longer and two-sided battle. It made me laugh a bit. Anyway, I'll say TENTACOOL CAPTURED!
Thanks for the grades and stuff. I'll be sure to do that stuff in my next story
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