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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 04-19-2009, 08:41 AM
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Default A World so Broken [IT HAS RETURNED! O:]


By: iKawaii

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal – it is the courage to continue that counts.”

-Winston Churchill

Hi guys, I’ve recently decided to start writing a Fanfiction. This was originally meant to be a URPG story, but I wanted for people to comment in the thread and actually give me feedback as this story is one of my best so far.
Also, if you don’t know what arsonphobia is (this is mentioned once in the story), it’s apparently the fear of fire. :)

This story will contain some scenes of gore and violence, and some mild language. If any of these offend you, I advise you not to read this story, or to skip these parts (I will post a warning before a chapter with any of that content. If you don't want to read it, PM me and I'll send you a summary. :) Also, there are UK spellings (e.g color = colour, realize = realise).


Prologue

Twenty years ago, the War of Dejection began, wiping out a huge population of humans and Pokémon alike. The fiery onslaughts span into existence quicker than one would have expected, responsible for bloody cataclysmic showdowns and huge destruction of major cities and towns.

The War of Dejection all inaugurated thanks to a huge entity named Darkrai. Darkrai was a large creature created by Aruseusu, the God of the known universe, as a being to watch over the dominant life forms of Planet Earth, the humans.

Darkrai knew that Aruseusu was focusing more on its other creations, specifically Dialga and Palkia, the deities who span space and thread time. Depressed, and outraged over the humans, even going so far as to call them idiotic fools, loathing the idea of capturing and training Pokémon for battles, Darkrai attained a strong shadowy side, something that Aruseusu could not prevent. Even as it had created the beings, it could not control their emotions. The creator of the universe was so weak that it was forced to take to a long, deep sleep.

The Pitch-Black Pokémon attacked Dialga and Palkia whilst Dialga was forming the Spear Pillar, a huge pillar that it planned to take to a huge sleep at, and gravely injured a Pokémon named Shaymin, which had accidentally stumbled upon the battle. Ignoring the small hedgehog which Aruseusu had created to form fantastic plants and fields, Darkrai destroyed the Spear Pillar and proceeded to defeat Palkia.

However, the creator of space had fled before Darkrai had defeated Dialga. The shadowy Pokémon was also weak after the battle, and began to absorb the souls of sleeping humans with a move named Dark Void. The humans, never to wake up again, were helpless.

Darkrai gave chase to Palkia and found him trying to escape into a different dimension. Outraged, the battle lasted several years, and Darkrai decided to form an army at Palkia. He went about the world, asking the Pokémon to join him. He asked if they were tired of forcing to obey their Trainers, and whilst many joined his alliance, some dared to strike back at him. Obliterating those who did oppose him, Darkrai then began to locate the Spatial Pokémon, Palkia.

Palkia was not pleased, and was forced to take extreme measures; he could not withstand his enemy as well as its own army. The Shaymin who was previously injured by Darkrai suddenly appeared before Palkia, suggesting gaining an army of his own. She took Palkia to the Torn World, an ancient dimension, wherein just as many, if not more, Pokémon resided. Palkia spoke to the Pokémon at the Torn World, explaining the story to them. Quite a few joined Palkia and Shaymin to counter back at Darkrai, and as they left the Torn World, another mysterious figure flew in with them, unbeknownst to the new army – Giratina.

Giratina had created the Torn World, and, upon arriving in the human world, was angry at the cataclysmic war between Palkia, Darkrai and Shaymin. Giratina was unfortunately tempted by Darkrai to join his army, and thus the war continued.

Death sprawled everywhere, and whole towns were destroyed during the wrath of the two armies of Pokémon. The humans decided to pick up their own arms and counter back at all of the creatures that opposed them, as well as find place to take shelter at. Throughout the planet, large underground vaults were created, home to many thousands of humans. Most of the time, the Pokémon did not know about these vaults, but some had managed to discover a few. The toughest humans of the vaults occasionally set out to recover food and fight the Pokémon, but even they were afraid.

And thus, the War of Dejection never seemed to stop. This is the tale right in the middle of the conflict, about several Pokémon and humans inclined to stop the hellish nightmare. Palkia and Shaymin and Darkrai and Giratina clashed mercilessly, hundreds of their Pokémon perishing over vicious slaughtering…



List of chapters

Chapter One; Midnight Flames (below)
Chapter Two; Safe for Now
Chapter Three; Destroyed Beauty
Chapter Four; Julian
Chapter Five; Searching for the Crystal
Chapter Six; Arrival
Chapter Seven; Reflections
Chapter Eight; Shattered
Chapter Nine; The Twilight Forest
Chapter Ten; Memories - ( Part I ) - ( Part II )




----------------------------------------------------

Fan Art

Yasuo, Julian and Bloodclaw by the incredibly talented Xanthe! Thanks!
Sam and Aqua also by the amazing Xanthe! :D

Last edited by Dark Lightning; 04-25-2010 at 07:09 AM.
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  #2  
Old 04-19-2009, 08:43 AM
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Default Re: A World so Broken

A World so Broken
Chapter One: Midnight Flames

Bellows of rage and agony resonated through the forest as the opal, crisp flames devoured countless trees. The foliage and moss strewn around the forest ground prior were burnt to desolate ashes as the battle raged on and on, ceasing to halt. Countless creatures, diminutive and tall, were fleeing the massacre with their dear lives.

As the moon hung in the pitch-black sky, bathing anything possible in glistening ivory light, the forest fire below delivered such a petrifying sight to the aerial Pokémon soaring high. Several souls were collapsing and giving into the blistering tongues of the colossal fire, morphing into a pile of disturbing flesh and bone. Trees cascaded onto the solid earth as they could stand no more of the conflagration’s hazardous wrath.

The forest fire had illuminated almost everything in a terrifying, predominantly-orange glow. At least half of the forest had been destroyed by midnight.

“Naomi, we have to get out of here!”

Yasuo bit his thin, black lip as he hopped up and down, waiting for his love to come. The crimson ‘fan’ atop his head swayed back and forth in response to the vicious wind. He coughed loudly as he inadvertently fed his lung the smoke polluting the air.

There were huge scars and bloody openings on the bipedal, young Weavile’s bluish-black skin. He had not obtained them from the battle currently raging, so he was able to move swiftly than one would come to suspect as the lesions were in a state of healing. Yasuo smothered his twisted, long incisors with saliva, indicating his hunger. His belly could wait, however, as he had to flee the imposing danger.

All of the foliage around him was falling victim to the huge fire as did most trees towering above him. They would tower no longer as their trunks were steadily devoured by the perilous infernos. The bushes about him were obviously the first to burn, and the ivies connecting to each collapsing tree soon joined their emerald comrades.

“Yasuo!”

The second voice had been emitted by a younger, feebler Pokémon. Naomi was a Sneasel, no more, no less. Her usually-dusk-black skin was illuminated by the glow of the raging fires around her. Her long, black eyelashes joined the eyelids to which they were bounded in blinking quickly, petrified of the ominous night. Naomi’s garnet feathers shuffled and she herself shook in arsonphobia.

The Sneasel quickly dashed over to Yasuo, squealing as bone-chilling bellows reverberated behind her. Soon, Naomi was standing right beside her lover.

“We need to get out of here, this is a massacre!” Yasuo stated, looking into Naomi’s small, garnet eyes.

“What about the rest of the clan?” she responded.

Yasuo sighed, shaking his head as he moved away slowly, scraping his claws together. “There’s nothing we can do.” He quickly swerved around to face her as she continued to tremble. “Didn’t you see what they did to Angus? We don’t have a choice but to get the hell out of this nightmare, otherwise we’re next!”

Naomi slightly nodded, and immediately prodded behind Yasuo as he broke into a sprint. The two ran, stomping their paws in the dirt and ashes below them. Cries of pain and sorrow from fellow Pokémon tackled at their eardrums, and they were horrified at how many Pokémon were becoming slaughtered.

As they continued to run, the warm breeze and smoke tickled at their skin. It was then when the true horror came.

A high-pitched squawk screeched through Yasuo’s ears, causing him to shield them with his claws. The Weavile collapsed to his knees as the screeching continued, swerving his head to the right and noticing the Staraptor flapping one metre above the ground.

The inside of the aerial Pokémon’s beak was oozing with saliva, evidence that it was looking for dinner. The Staraptor was covered in a down of dusky-black and pallid feathers. It was absolutely huge, much larger than a normal Staraptor could grow. It spread its wings out, lowering the bloodied crest atop its head. With a screech, it flew forwards.

Yasuo, without thinking, pushed his legs forward, performing a quick jump in said direction. His elbows crashed onto the soil and dirt, spraying a multitude of the matter on the ground around him. He let out a groan as he utilized his limbs to rise from the solid earth.

Whilst he had avoided the Staraptor, he was absolutely horrified at what his eyes were scrutinizing.

The Staraptor was now quite a fair level above the ground, flapping its wings madly. Upon looking at the beast, one would not fail to notice the prey caught in its talons.

That prey was Naomi.

“NAOMI!” Yasuo screamed. The Sneasel wasn’t moving, and simply hung from the monster’s talons. With a shriek, the Staraptor flapped its wings harder and reached down to Naomi’s neck. It fastened the terrifyingly sharp fangs around it, emitting one last bellow. After its mouth had completely clamped onto her neck, he mercilessly shook left and right at a blinding speed. Naomi’s neck snapped like a twig, and Yasuo stood there, gaping.

In seconds, the Staraptor had taken to the skies, streamlining its body so as to become airborne. Soon the hawk was nothing more than a speck beside the moon and stars.

“NO!”

A wave of guilt, fear and sorrow washed over Yasuo. A water droplet formed in his eye, and an invisible snake bit at his nose, injecting a burning sensation into his nostrils. He felt like collapsing on his knees then, since his limbs were numb already – but there were undoubtedly more dangers waiting for him, and he had to flee.

He swerved around and darted into the forest as the plant life burst into flames beside him. He kicked up piles of dirt and mud as his lungs demanded gasps of air. Yasuo didn’t get far before stumbling over the remains of a long, ivy-like plant.

The remains of the plant were sprawled before him, but his foot had caught on it, thus flinging him forwards. Small bones and burnt foliage leapt into his mouth as he collided with the ground. It was probably his carelessness and how his love was slaughtered before him why he didn’t see the matter that tripped him.

Yasuo groaned with pain. He steadily turned his body around and noticed a huge beast screeching and knocking countless Pokémon down with pitiless blows from where he had come – currently, he was mauling what seemed to be a small Growlithe. The beast bellowed through the forest, causing Pokémon here and there to respond and scream with fear. Yasuo let out a huge gulp as he watched the Pokémon attack the poor Growlithe.

The monster was covered in huge plates which were silver and dull-grey. Two drilling horns were situated atop its rock-hard head, and ivory bands were strapped around the thing’s shins. The humanoid brute swished its elongated, dusky-black tail here and there, occasionally slamming it on the hard earth and delivering a small tremor. Waves of blood emerged from the small dog Pokémon that was lying on the ground below it as it took huge arm swings. Yasuo could see the Growlithe bursting into a fit of convulsions, and soon immediately ceased to move as the Aggron dealt the final slam to its skull. The dog’s scarlet liquid had stained on the beast’s indestructible armour.

The Aggron let out another riotous holler, rotating its head to lock onto its next target – Yasuo. He gasped, petrified. His limbs refused to move – he just lay there, on the warm ground. The Aggron almost deafened him with another howl, charging towards him like a bloodthirsty rhinoceros. As he approached, Yasuo could see the pure rage and its heart pounding against its metallic armour.

Just as the Aggron raised its arm into the air, a shadowy figure leapt in front of the Weavile. The Pokémon could have sworn that the figure was going to get killed instead of him. He shut his eyes as a small spray of blood met his eyelids. A shriek then resounded through the forest, quickly followed by several arm swings and slashes.

Yasuo cried in pain as one of the arms slammed into his chest. He spilled blood and shut his eyes just as he fell into a world of deep, dark unconsciousness…

Any comments? XD I'll try to get the next chapter up ASAP.

Last edited by Dark Lightning; 04-27-2010 at 03:50 PM.
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  #3  
Old 04-19-2009, 12:25 PM
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Default Re: A World so Broken

I must say: this is very good so far. Your vocabulary seems full of the right words to put in the right places! :D It's really interesting, and you're very descriptive.

A few things I found:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Lightning View Post
Obliterating those who did oppose him, Darkrai then began to locate the Spatial Pokémon Palkia.
Should be a comma between 'Pokemon' and 'Palkia'. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Lightning View Post
The Shaymin from before suddenly appeared before Palkia, suggesting gaining an army of his own.
By saying 'before' makes it seem...well, I can't really describe it, but maybe you should put: 'The Shaymin who was previously injured by Darkrai' or something like that. x3
'before' kinda sounds like it closely followed the event...or something. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Lightning View Post
Naomi was a Sneasel, no more, no less.
I would put a double hyphen there instead of a comma (the first comma).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Lightning View Post
but there we undoubtedly more dangers waiting for him, and he had to flee.
x3 'were'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Lightning View Post
Yasuo didn’t get far before stumbling over the remains of a long ivy-like plant.
I, personally, would put a comma after 'long'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Lightning View Post
he just lay there, on the arm ground.
Just wondering... What's an 'arm ground'? x3

There we go! :D All done. :3
I really like it. Dark but great. ^^ Keep going! :D

~Xanthe.
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  #4  
Old 04-19-2009, 12:27 PM
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Default Re: A World so Broken

Heh, thanks!
Dang typos >.< and 'arm ground' is meant to be 'warm ground'. XD
I'll fix those mistakes, thank you for pointing them out. :3
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Old 04-19-2009, 12:30 PM
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Default Re: A World so Broken

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Lightning View Post
Heh, thanks!
Dang typos >.< and 'arm ground' is meant to be 'warm ground'. XD
I'll fix those mistakes, thank you for pointing them out. :3
No worries! :D
Yeah, I get 'em a lot, too. :3 Oh. xDD Lol.
No worries. ^^
(You replied fast!)

~Xanthe.
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  #6  
Old 04-19-2009, 05:19 PM
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Default Re: A World so Broken

Great opening; plenty of suspense.
Can't find any mistakes that weren't pointed out already, so I'll just say keep it up. :D
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Last edited by Pokol DaErran; 04-19-2009 at 05:26 PM.
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Old 04-19-2009, 08:50 PM
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Default Re: A World so Broken

I agree with above posts. I'm suprised it took me so long to read this fic

Anyway, I am glad that there is an increasing amount of good fic's coming out. Namely, yours and Sylver's.

Also, there seems to be many fan fictions starting focusing on Darkrai. I don't know: Is Darkrai the next Mew?
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Old 04-20-2009, 06:57 AM
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Default Re: A World so Broken

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Lightning View Post
Several souls were collapsing and giving into the blistering tongues of the colossal fire,
Ha ha! Found it! Would be better as two separate words. :3

~Xanthe.
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Old 04-20-2009, 02:46 PM
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Default Re: A World so Broken

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pokol DaErran View Post
Great opening; plenty of suspense.
Can't find any mistakes that weren't pointed out already, so I'll just say keep it up. :D
Thanks, Pokol :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheDarkEevee View Post
I agree with above posts. I'm suprised it took me so long to read this fic

Anyway, I am glad that there is an increasing amount of good fic's coming out. Namely, yours and Sylver's.

Also, there seems to be many fan fictions starting focusing on Darkrai. I don't know: Is Darkrai the next Mew?
O.O
There are? Wow...that's weird XD I've had this story planned out for a long while though. It was only until recently when I decided to continue this.

And thank you! I'm sure Sylver's story is just as good as mine, or probably better. I need to read it XD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune View Post


Ha ha! Found it! Would be better as two separate words. :3

~Xanthe.
Ah, another pesky typo! You're good at finding them. Thanks for pointing it out!

I'm about halfway through chapter two, expect it tomorrow at the latest.

EDIT: If you're confused, you're supposed to be :) I'll answer the questions in the next chapter.
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Last edited by Dark Lightning; 04-20-2009 at 02:48 PM.
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Old 04-20-2009, 09:47 PM
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Default Re: A World so Broken

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Lightning View Post
Ah, another pesky typo! You're good at finding them. Thanks for pointing it out!

I'm about halfway through chapter two, expect it tomorrow at the latest.

EDIT: If you're confused, you're supposed to be :) I'll answer the questions in the next chapter.
Haha, well, it comes with writing my own stories. :3 However, I often miss typos in my own stories. x3

Okay! :D I'll be looking forward to it. :3

~Xanthe.
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Old 04-22-2009, 06:43 PM
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Default Re: A World so Broken

Sorry this took so long!

A World so Broken
Chapter Two: Safe for Now

Yasuo groaned as he endeavoured to regain consciousness. He could see blurred figures walking around him as he cracked his eyes open. His brain immediately then forced them open, and for a moment, the world was a mixture of blurry colours.

“Hey, wake up!”

That resonating voice was then the key to Yasuo’s awakening in what seemed like a hundred years. Claws grabbed onto the Weavile’s shoulders and shook him back and forth quickly, speeding up this process.

Under intense and conclusive scrutiny, Yasuo realised that he was not back in that terrible warzone, where almost everything in sight was burning horrifically.

A well-lit tunnel greeted his pupils, which, in itself, was massive – stalactites hung from the ceiling, and there were many stones lying around the area, ranging from colossal to diminutive sizes. Fiery lamps were strapped to the rough cavern walls, tickling with bright golden energy.

Standing above Yasuo was a Zangoose – quite a strange one, too. He could tell that the Pokémon’s gender was female – males had smaller tails. She had many scars and marks across her snowy-white fur, plus elongated, sharp claws.

“Are you okay?” the Zangoose asked Yasuo worriedly.

“W-What happened? What is this place?” the Weavile responded, taking heavy breaths and peering around the caverns. The Zangoose sighed, shaking her head, obviously disliking the immediate bombardment of questions. “Where am I?”

“Underground,” the cat ferret grinned. “In a connection of tunnel networks named the Refuge Caverns.”

“The Refuge whats?”

“The Refuge caverns, jeez!” the Pokémon crossed her arms. “My name’s Bloodclaw. If you give me a chance, I’ll tell you where you are properly. And you are?”

“Yasuo,” the Weavile scoffed, rolling his eyes. “There’s no place you can call ‘refuge’ or ‘shelter’ nowadays anyway.”

“Well, Darkrai’s not going to think of searching underground when all he wants is to destroy Palkia and Shaymin and those opposing him,” she snapped back. “Just be grateful I saved your bacon back then. These Refuge Caverns are huge – you’ll be amazed at what kinds of Pokémon have been living down here for so long, when all you know from your time on the surface is blood and death.”

The Sharp Claw Pokémon hesitated, desperate to respond with some smart sentence, but could not think of any reply before the Zangoose spoke again.

“None of us like the war raging above. We’ve all lost someone or mostly everyone we’ve known due to Palkia, Shaymin, Darkrai or Giratina’s stupid actions. Some of us wised up and built these underground caverns as shelter for those innocent Pokémon who didn’t want to fight.”

Again, Yasuo couldn’t find any way to argue. A sigh escaped his mouth. Had a massive Pokémon group been hiding down here all this time? An army of Pokémon who wouldn’t fight that was pretty much as large as those that would?

“If you stay here, we’ll get you a room to stay in, and you won’t have to fight all day long. We should go down to the Rocky Area hall and someone will show you where to stay.”

Committing a single act of nodding, Yasuo plodded behind Bloodclaw as she turned away from him and strode into the caverns. There were large tunnels connecting various underground rooms together – this was like a proper, well-dug cavern. There were rooms suited to the needs of the wide variety of Pokémon – play areas for the little ones, large meeting rooms for those considering the well-being of the inhabitants of the caverns, etc.

There were, as Yasuo knew by Bloodclaw’s facts, a huge variety of Pokémon; Grass-types, Ground, Water, Flying, Fire, and obviously more. The Zangoose he had met seemed to be leading him to an important part of the Refuge Caverns, and it wasn’t long before they arrived.

The Rocky Area Hall was gargantuan, a massive fire in the middle lighting all noticeable parts of the room. Sitting around the flames in a circle were a lot of Pokémon, sharing stories and staring into the roaring inferno in front of them. Some of the younger Pokémon were sleeping, snoring quietly and lying beside parents or carers.

Bloodclaw sat down next to a Kadabra; the creature was obviously elderly, two of his spoons laid out before him. He seemed to be closing his eyes and ever so steadily rocking back and forth. A gesture to come forward and sit next to her bought Yasuo to the circle of Pokémon.

“Papa, who is that new Pokémon?” a young creature asked the hound lying near him opposite Yasuo. The Houndoom was lying loyally, resting his head on his paws. The long, curved horns atop his head was glowing the colour of the fire, and resting on the side of his smooth, black body was a peculiar little Pokémon – a Seedot. It had tiny, stubby legs and seemed to have an acorn for a hat, with black lines around its eyes.

“That is a Weavile, Acorn,” the Houndoom replied, nudging the Seedot with his nose.

“Nothing to be worried about,” Bloodclaw whispered into Yasuo’s ear. “Acorn always questions the new Pokémon.”

The Weavile sighed, feeling unwelcome after the Seedot’s sudden question as if he didn’t like him. He scratched the fan atop his head and turned to face Bloodclaw.

“What’s the point of all us being here?” he asked, shaking his head.

“It’s just a place where some of us can chat and rest beside the fire,” she replied. “Nothing beats laying near toasting flames – just as long as you don’t roll in, heh.”

She then pointed to a Seviper sitting in the circle beside Acorn and the Houndoom, moaning as it glared at a huge burn running down its side. Yasuo chuckled at the creature, then staring at the ground.

“Okay, everyone, this is my new friend, Yasuo the Weavile,” the Zangoose announced. Pretty much all of the Pokémon curled upright in response to this. “He’s going to introduce himself, and then I want someone to direct him to the spare room that the Golem was going to stay in.”

“Ooo, ooo, oh, me! Me! Me, me, me!” Acorn called, jumping up and down. “I want to take him, I want to take him!”

Bloodclaw grinned and nodded, turning to nudge the new Weavile.

“My name is Yasuo. I was part of a Weavile clan, and we favoured neither Darkrai nor Palkia’s armies. Our clan was ‘neutral’, if you like, but Darkrai obviously hated the cowards who didn’t fight for him and were hiding from the violence…our clan burnt along with the forest…I…I watched my clan leader d-die…”

The whole forest was undoubtedly burning – bringing down its inhabitants with it. Every member of the clan was either screaming and fleeing the forest or already transformed into a grotesque pound of flesh.

All Pokémon that had made their home in the once-peaceful forest were in a state of bewilderment and chaos. Most were fighting for their life against the huge collection of Pokémon invaders. Darkrai, the Dark Legendary Pokémon, had sent a large group of his army to conquer the Shimmer Forest of the Renäi region. He ultimately planned to be in control of the entire Renäi region by eradicating the continent of the ‘cowards’ that lived and did not wish to fight in the war. If he controlled a lot of land, his fellow minions could breed and his army would expand, thus increasing the chances of destroying that pesky Palkia and the idiotic Shaymin once and for all. Of course, Palkia and Shaymin would want their own land so that their minions would breed and increase in numbers too, so this would lead to inevitable conflict.

“Angus, we have to get the hell out of here!” I called to the clan leader as the fires grew larger, feeding on the oxygen of the air. The Weavile was much like me, except had a long, tattered emerald cloak and scars across his stomach.

“You don’t have to tell me twice, Yasuo,” he replied as lithe shadows made their way towards him from behind. I quickly comprehended the situation…those shadows didn’t mean anything good…

“ANGUS, BEHIND YOU!” I screamed at the top of my voice. It was too late for him to react, however. Massive dogs pounced on him, causing him to fall onto his back with a sickening thud. They tore at him with their fangs and claws, snarling with anger.

Angus yelled in pain as the Mightyena bit at him and roared with fury. Strips of flesh tore from his body. I turned away, closing my eyes as I heard a squelch, a thud, and Angus’ screams cutting off abruptly.

“He’s gone! We have to save ourselves now!” a voice called into my ear. A Sneasel stood by me, tugging at my hip. I nodded, and he plunged headlong into the madness.


Yasuo then explained to the Pokémon how Naomi was unfortunately taken from him that night. Bloodclaw turned all quiet, and Acorn the little Seedot gasped with horror, yawning not long after this.

“That’s quite a story, Yasuo,” the Houndoom resting near him remarked. “I’m sorry for your losses. Just know that you’ll be safe here. My name is Darkfire.”

“That’s okay. I must say though, it really does seem peaceful down here…” the story teller replied, scanning the ceiling of the cavern room. “If only I’d done something to help my clan leader instead of watching him die…”

“It was not your fault. Shock glues those whom witness death right before them in place,” the Kadabra floating beside Bloodclaw articulated. Its eyes didn’t seem to have any chance of opening, lost in deep meditation. “What’s done is done…”

For a few moments, there was a stunned silence, until Bloodclaw yet again decided to break it, noticing Yasuo’s yawn of tiredness. She turned to Acorn, whom had made it obvious he wanted to escort him to a room he could stay in, but the youngling was fast asleep.

“C’mon, I’ll take you to where you’re staying. I’ll sort everything out for you,” she assured him as she rose from the ground, glancing at the Pokémon in the circle.

The Weavile dared not argue; after the horrific events that had occurred later that night, he needed to rest and try to block the thoughts out of his mind. Angus was slaughtered right before him, followed by Naomi? What was happening to him? Was he cursed? To live on and carry the deaths of those whom he loved as the War of Dejection claimed innocent victims every ticking second?

Yasuo’s only friend strode down the cavern towards a tunnel with the Dark and Ice-type in tow. The colours of the fire continued to glow on his claws before he stepped into a large corridor, lit by lamps strapped to the walls.

“Where is this place?” he asked the Zangoose strolling in front of him. She didn’t look back at him.

“Underground,” she sighed.

“Yeah, I know that, thanks,” was the Weavile’s harsh reply. “I mean, where underground? How deep?”

“Pretty darn deep. Is that too vague for you?”

“Yeah. Okay, well, are these ‘underground caverns’ near anywhere?”

“We’re right near the Shimmer Forest. We used to get our berries, poffins, fruit, vegetables and other things from there.”

She led him into another room which was relatively big with several soft beds lying around, consisting of a neat line of hay. This room also had many lamps lighting it up.

Bloodclaw pointed to one of the hay beds, glancing at Yasuo.

“I guess it’s a better bed than sleeping on the tree branches back when I was a clan member…” he exclaimed.

There was a long silence until Bloodclaw turned away and attempted to walk out of the room. Yasuo stopped her, grabbing her arm with a claw.

“You’re just going to leave me in this room? In this…cavern, that I don’t even know? When I don’t even know where I am?”

“Well, what else do you want me to do? Explain to you fully what happened back up there?” she pointed to the ceiling, obviously meaning up on the surface.

“Yeah. Y’know, that’d be nice.”

Bloodclaw sighed, locking eyes with her bewildered friend. “I noticed that an Aggron was making its way towards you, and so I tried to save you…”

“Kinda hard to believe,” Yasuo hissed back at her, crossing his claws.

“Well, there wasn’t just me – there was Darkfire, the Houndoom you met earlier…and some others. We managed to distract the Aggron long enough so we could drag you back to these caverns and get the hell out of there.”

The Weavile looked shocked, a little unsure as to if he was indeed looking at his saviour. She fiddled with her claws, her amazing white fur shaking slightly as a chilly wind breezed through the air.

“But…it wasn’t just any ordinary Aggron. Much, much bigger – and a lot deadlier, may I add – who kills, and kills and kills,” she eventually drew her voice to a whisper, moving her head towards Yasuo’s. “Steelhorn…”

“Steelhorn?” he instantaneously questioned loudly.

“Yes, Steelhorn! He’s the secondary commander of Darkrai’s army!”

“So?”

“He’s responsible for the attack on the Shimmer Forest! Darkrai told him to lead a portion of his army to destroy YOUR clan, amongst a hundred others!”

The Zangoose was now breathing heavily and angrily, frustrated with Yasuo’s scoffing. He froze, emotions of sadness and anger invading his mind. The Aggron that so nearly killed him was responsible for Naomi’s death?

“Wait…” he slowly asked. “What were you doing in the forest?”

“Trying to save you! Some of us were up in the forest just before the assault. We can’t just live down here forever – we need to get supplies from the surface. You’re lucky some of us were up there!”

Yasuo didn’t know how to respond. He knew that Bloodclaw had told him everything he needed to know, paralysed by a hatred for a creature right near him that had claimed the life of his lover. If he’d just stayed conscious, he could have fought back and destroyed that stupid Aggron once and for all!

“I want to see this Aggron,” he finally remarked, fixing his eyes on the ground. “I want to slit his neck and watch him suffer.”

Last edited by Dark Lightning; 06-11-2009 at 06:34 PM.
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  #12  
Old 04-23-2009, 01:01 AM
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Default Re: A World so Broken

Wow. More suspense. XD
Again, keep it up.
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  #13  
Old 04-23-2009, 01:11 AM
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Default Re: A World so Broken

Pretty good, cept' for three things:

While the Weavile was having the flashback, you switched to first person. After the flashback, you stayed in first person for a few sentances, then you switched back to third. You need to keep it in the same perspective, otherwise it gets confusing.

When Yauso was first talking to the Zangoose, she didn't seem much like his "friend." And in five minuets of walking, suddenly the Zangoose is calling the Sneasal friend and escorting him to his room. You should take time to develop the friendships, don't just shove them in there.

Please, please, oh please don't use the un-compounded "cool" names like Bloodclaw and Darkfire. I know it seems cool, but it gets very annoying. Plus, it's kinda wierd if you have a Japanese-like name (Yauso), and then you have the un-compounded word like Bloodclaw.


Just a suggestion, the last one. I hope it all helps! ^_^
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  #14  
Old 04-23-2009, 07:07 AM
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Default Re: A World so Broken

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Lightning View Post
He could tell that the Pokémon’s gender was female – males had smaller tails.
How could he've seen her tail in that position? (Assuming she was leaning over him like the text said) x3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Lightning View Post
The Zangoose sighed, shaking her head; obviously disliking the immediate bombardment of questions.
That should be a comma, not a semicolon. I saw someone had once told someone else that when you put a semicolon, the following sentence needs to be able to stand alone without the one before it. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Lightning View Post
a massive fire in the middle light all noticeable parts of the room.
I think this is supposed to be 'lit'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Lightning View Post
The Weavile was much like me, expect had a long, tattered emerald cloak and scars across his stomach.
xD Should be 'except'

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Lightning View Post
If he’d had just stayed unconscious, he could have fought back and destroyed that stupid Aggron once and for all!
I think you know the problem here. x3

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheDarkEevee View Post
When Yauso was first talking to the Zangoose, she didn't seem much like his "friend." And in five minuets of walking, suddenly the Zangoose is calling the Sneasal friend and escorting him to his room. You should take time to develop the friendships, don't just shove them in there.
Yasuo is a Weavile, not a Sneasel. -.-
And that doesn't matter. It's got to do with personalities. She thinks he's her friend, and therefore calls him a friend. Besides, they can become friends as fast as they like.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheDarkEevee View Post
Please, please, oh please don't use the un-compounded "cool" names like Bloodclaw and Darkfire. I know it seems cool, but it gets very annoying. Plus, it's kinda wierd if you have a Japanese-like name (Yauso), and then you have the un-compounded word like Bloodclaw.
I like the compound names. I think there's nothing wrong with it. And it's always good to have a mix. One shouldn't be restricted with the names they use.

Anyways, good chapter. :P I liked all your descriptions and where they ended up.
It's getting more interesting! But I have no idea where it's gonna end up going. xD

~Xanthe.
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  #15  
Old 04-23-2009, 02:31 PM
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Default Re: A World so Broken

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheDarkEevee View Post
Pretty good, cept' for three things:

While the Weavile was having the flashback, you switched to first person. After the flashback, you stayed in first person for a few sentances, then you switched back to third. You need to keep it in the same perspective, otherwise it gets confusing.
This story was meant to originally be in first person, so I may have written as Yasuo for a few sentences, sorry. And the flashback was in first person because he is telling the story to them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheDarkEevee View Post
When Yauso was first talking to the Zangoose, she didn't seem much like his "friend." And in five minuets of walking, suddenly the Zangoose is calling the Sneasal friend and escorting him to his room. You should take time to develop the friendships, don't just shove them in there.
He's a Weavile, mate. ^^
She warms up to him when he tells her his past, because she feels sorry for him. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheDarkEevee View Post
Please, please, oh please don't use the un-compounded "cool" names like Bloodclaw and Darkfire. I know it seems cool, but it gets very annoying. Plus, it's kinda wierd if you have a Japanese-like name (Yauso), and then you have the un-compounded word like Bloodclaw.

Just a suggestion, the last one. I hope it all helps! ^_^
I think it adds a kind of variety. Besides, there's a limited amount of Japanese names.

Scytherwolf's story inspired me to use names like Bloodclaw and Darkfire, because she used names like Bladewing, etc, which I thought were cool. :o

Thanks for the suggestions.

@Graceful Suicune: thanks for pointing those out, and thank you for reading. Yes, it will get more interesting, I promise you. ^^

Chapter Three should be up in a few days.
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