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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 04-26-2009, 10:48 AM
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Default The Great Escape! [Chapter 3 Ready For Grading]


I spent a lot of time writing this story, as I received 5 story deal requests and accepted 3 of them to do. I plan on linking all of my story deal requests to this series so if my title says I'm accepting requests, I give permission for someone to post a story deal request so I can start another part to my story. This is for a Swinub, then a Wailmer then a Ralts and it will be intresting in how I link them all together. I only just cut the character limit but I assure you it's quality I was looking for. Hope you enjoy.

The Great Escape Part 1
Target 1: Swinub (15-20K Characters)

Ah, the barren wasteland we call the Antarctic. Cramped tight with empty space, the harsh environment makes a perfect home for many Pokemon but for humans, they will be met with force if they dare to intrude. Many have tried but none have come back. There’s only one person that’s going to rescue the frozen bodies as well as capturing the creatures residing there. But he never came to the Antarctic by choice…

It was 8PM in the summer season as the SS Anne was sailing elegantly across the Shore of Snowpoint Island.

“All passengers, we are making a brief stop at Snowpoint Island so please bear with us as the passengers arrive and depart,” called out the Captain through the speakerphone.

As some of the passengers left the rather small boat, Ray watched as the presence of people faded away and eventually closed his hazel eyes. The lack of sunlight in the area faded out his red bandana and the shadows cloaked his white jacket in grey. His black tracksuit bottoms camouflaged him even further as he completely faded out of the new passengers views. His white muscular arms were folded and his strong legs were stretched out in front of him, as he sat there completely engrossed in thoughts.

“Hey dude I hope the weatherman was wrong, apparently it’s gonna be freezing temperatures tonight ha-ha!” Said one of the chatty passengers that had sat down next to Ray.

Ray wasn’t too bothered as he had his Cyndaquil with him. Ray always had a rhyme of how to tell people about his precious Pokemon. “Fiery, red! His eyes are dead!” Cyndaquil had amazing senses; they were as good as a car was at accelerating. Ray was sure that his two footed friend would be able to stand the challenge ahead at Pastoria City and that Cyndaquil would be able to keep him comfortable in case they had to stop in Snowpoint City.

“Attention Passengers, we are about to depart so please make sure to sit down on one of the isles as soon as possible, the weather seems to be a little harsh but we’ll be sure to get you to your destination as soon as possible!” once again the Captain spoke, but he was now tired. His worn out voice echoed in Ray’s mind. He was cautious, but always came through.

Ray jumped out of his seat, and took a look at his surroundings. The isle he was in was easily compared to a small train, as the thin white corridor was cramped with empty space and closed doors. There were a few windows around, but they were closed. The ship started moving but everyone just stopped. They all had their eyes on Ray. Cracked down by peer pressure, he sat back down and closed his eyes using strong body language to get the message across. Their eyes were still locked onto him as if they were trying to get him. He listened to the music playing on the iPod that the person next to him owned.
Half an hour had gone. Ray finally opened his eyes and took a look at the blinding darkness outside, but he could pick out… a massive island. It was covered in ice and water, but there was hardly anything eye catching. If you were asleep like most of the other passengers were… But there were Pokemon on the island. Staring at the boat.

“We need to get out of here!” Ray shouted but they were all asleep.

There was a mist flooding the room. He could hardly see anyone. His eyelids dropped down but he refused to find out what was going on. He felt a person grab his arm with a strong desperate grip.

“Take me with you,” A feminine voice cried out to him.

He didn’t answer but he was already looking at the frozen window behind him. He took a kick and nothing happen. It was completely solid and mere force would not break it. He reached into his pocket with his unoccupied hand and picked up the Pokeball he had been secretly want to unleash for times like these. But this was scaring him. It wasn’t a chance to show off to the poisoned people inside, it was a chance to live.

He threw it at the window so the rebound would land back into his hand, and it opened with a blinding red beam releasing Cyndaquil, who almost immediately knew what his job was. It unleashed a spectacular array of fiery attacks landing consecutive hits on the layers of ice as the overwhelming heat turned the ice into water whilst it spilt on Ray slightly, Ray leaped out of the window. He felt the woman had smacked something during the jump but she would be fine. Cyndaquil got on top of the now sinking boat, unleashing powerful blasts to try and distract the attacking Pokemon. They were already here.

Ray was shivering under water and he tried to resurface. His head collided with a frozen piece of water. He immediately swam to the piece around the ice, so he could climb it. He tried to resurface again, but another piece clashed against him with devastating force. They were firing at him. They were going to freeze the entire water to drown all the survivors and also to expand the island they were on. Ray was now scared. He had to escape. Fighting didn’t matter; he’d rather live to fight another day.

He was well suited to swimming. However, the person in his hand was gargling and trying to break free from his hand. He could see all the bubbles coming to the surface from her mouth but she was even more desperate. Instead of trusting Ray, she opened her mouth and closed in towards Ray’s arm. It was too disgusting to think of. He had seen it coming and without any thought, used all of his strength to throw her out of the water and into the air. Whether she fell back in after breathing or was murdered by the Pokemon didn’t matter to him. She was a decoy manipulated by her own fear.

He darted around the block of ice, quickly lifted his wet body onto it and pointed towards the island. There was a hole underwater where it was. It was dark. Cyndaquil gave out a whine to protest but jumped into the water regardless. He was doggy paddling underwater surprisingly and he was only just managing to hold his breath but Ray had big faith in him. Ray took his eyes off of his friend and looked up to the person he had threw. A shot of ice made contact with her and sent her crashing down. Now she was dead, but also floating and also acting as an obstacle for the survivors to get through as they were ambushed by the mass collection of Ice Pokemon waiting above the water. No more thinking. Ray was going to follow Cyndaquil straight away.

He stood up straight, then took off with his legs and plunged through the water head first allowing himself to be consumed by the water. He took his chance in a mad rush, as he swam in a quick frenzy across the water trying to follow Cyndaquil’s fire tail which was giving him much needed light. The Pokemon were now attacking the boat instead and were completely focused on destroying the boat completely, like a group of hell-bent hitmen that wouldn’t stop until they were done.

Bubbles spewed out of Ray’s mouth and they floated to the surface but he wasn’t going to give in to the tide and neither was his friend, the one showing him the way. All of a sudden he became overcome by his fear. His throat was tickling him. His nerves were vibrating and his body was being dragged up to the surface. He didn’t have a choice but to risk taking in breath. His head bobbed up at the surface and he looked back trying to find the boat but it was gone. The ice creatures were staring at him and their stern eyes dared him to run away and they were counting on it.

Ray closed his eyes and shot himself back into the water and unleashed speedy breaststrokes in an uncontrolled manner but he didn’t care about style he just had to keep going. He opened his eyes after about ten seconds and saw the fiery glare just ahead of him. Ice was crashing onto his back as the creatures planned to freeze the water and drown him under the surface with the rest of the victims but he kept going and with a sigh of relief, touched onto the underground surface he had been so determined to reach.

It was simply a cave where the water had eroded some of the island, and the only way out was to go back into the water. But he was alive and so was Cyndaquil. Nothing else mattered. He smiled at his friend and huddled up next to him and quite quickly fell asleep without thought and without comfort. The dark sky swallowed all of the water and disguised Ray and Cyndaquil as they recovered their strength. They were going to need anything at their disposal in the barren ice prison up above.

Daytime was rather bright and the water was rather warm, as it rose up to Ray’s shoes and drenched his feet thus waking him up. His eyes opened first and he noticed that Cyndaquil’s flame had gone out but he was fast asleep. Ray stroked his ever radiant fur as smoothly as his rough hands could. Cyndaquil slowly sat up and let out a friendly greeting to Ray.

Ray put himself back into his mind of concentration. The best way to ensure that he was able to survive on the island and stop the Pokemon’s rage was to capture some of them. He could swim away at night with a Wailmer or something. But he needed another companion other than Cyndaquil.
“Cyndaquil, time to go into the Pokeball and don’t worry I reckon you’re coming back out soon!” Ray said as he jumped up to his feet and stretched his arms. He reached for his drenched bag and reached in for a Pokeball and straight after Cyndaquil was already in it. He took note of the spare Pokeball’s lying in his bag.

Ray took a look at the water. It was warm but he wasn’t quite sure how to get in and what the tide was like. He took the bag off of his back and dipped it into the water but he still kept hold of one of the straps. The tide would push him further away from Snowpoint City and also away from the island he was on. He could travel anywhere if he wasn’t careful. But he had to go regarding the tide and he had already shown himself that if he could swim that fast into a cave he spotted or hold your breath for a long time to avoid drowning then he knew that he would be able to cope with the tide. At least the ice had melted.

He crouched down and dipped his feet into the water and almost instantly the water pulled his body into the tide, and his sharp nails scraped the rocks. He dug them in and he was being pulled. He was being pulled around the edge of the island by his nails. He looked to his side and there was a ditch he could go on, then he could get onto the island. He had to time it just right. Ray ignored the pain he was dealing with and pointed his legs toward the muddy ditch and with one expert move, his nails came off of the rock and he was in a barrel roll which was directed towards the marsh.

He smacked his hand against the edge of the marsh but he was caught nicely. He leaped with all of his strength and completely came out of the ruthless water. He was now starting to doubt his chances of escape. He had never seen any Pokemon underwater and maybe they were taken away from the island. What was so important about this island that everything on it had to destroy anything near?

He climbed out of the shallow marsh with only a slight bit of brown tinted on his shoes. Ray took a deep breath and scanned his surroundings.

There was a simple straight line of ice and a forest flocked with trees was further on. There was about a mile before he could make it into the forest and there was no way he could make it into the cave again. He would be both found and drowned or the tide would hide his body completely.

He now held the Pokeball like a cowboy with a gun did. Ready to fire but ready for something to strike. He knew this was a trap and he was ready as they were possibly helping his purpose.

CRASH!

The very ice he was standing on collapsed as his footing was lost and he was sent tumbling into the marsh. A fierce roar shattered Ray’s eardrums but he held onto the Pokeball. There was a problem. He couldn’t get back up as the marsh had gotten bigger and there was now no chance of escape whatsoever. He was completely trapped with nowhere to go. He had quite a bit of space but that was the only good point he could think of.

He looked up at the peak of where he had fallen to discover a Pokemon standing on the top. It was a pig like creature with brown arctic fur with four legs with a pig snout and similar size to the tiny Cyndaquil and also the same eyes. The closed blind dead eyes that were almost like battle armour. This was awkward as Ray had heard of these Pokemon before. Cyndaquil had the type advantage as fire beats ice but Swinub had ground moves at its disposal. One earthquake could completely destroy all the footing Ray had and although Swinub would be killing itself in the process Ray would be floating for the rest of his life.

Swinub let out a honk and slid down the hill with its eyes focused on Ray. He quickly threw the Pokeball towards where Swinub would stop sliding and Cyndaquil unleashed its flames from its body and overwhelmed Swinub stopping it in its tracks. The first blood was always the most important as Ray had learned no matter what the cost. Swinub let out a Tackle as its brown fur stood up and it threw its entire body weight onto Cyndaquil. Its rough underbelly scraped Cyndaquil’s skin and the marsh was forcing Cyndaquil’s flame out. The pressure mounted on Ray as the Pokemon were headed straight for him.

“Cyndaquil stop!” Ray screamed possessed by fear. By losing control.

Cyndaquil didn’t reply with his voice but his body actions did for sure. Cyndaquil let out a Flamethrower onto Swinub’s face and forced its grip off of Cyndaquil. He would be the first one to land and stop Swinub from taking them both into the water. The Pokemon quickly landed on solid ground and performed sidestep to dodge Ray.

“Cyndaquil, use Overheat!”

Cyndaquil had lost some of its energy but the flame hadn’t died out. He let out a massive roar as his entire body was covered in flames and was acting as a force field. Cyndaquil was merely the missile in a rocket. Cyndaquil let loose at extreme speeds dashing in a trance towards the hill. Just as Swinub’s mud covered body touched ground it was met with the heat of a super volcano. The mud gave it some resistance but that didn’t stop Cyndaquil from burning Swinub’s fur off. Swinub was completely skinned.

They were facing eachother. Cyndaquil had used all of his energy in that attack and Swinub had lost all of its fur and was simply recovering from shock. Swinub stared at Cyndaquil intensely trying to scare him and unfortunately it was working. Cyndaquil was backing off closer to Ray. Ray had completely planned it perfectly, or so he thought.

He gripped the Pokeball he had just unpacked and gripped it tightly. He needed to time it perfectly. Cyndaquil and Swinub were recovering in deep breaths but behind Ray was the most important thing. A rubber ring from the boat had made it to the battleground and it had escaped from the tide.

Swinub was ready. It stomped down with all of its feet and unleashed an Earthquake that sent Cyndquil flying into Ray’s arms and Ray flying onto the rubber ring. He sighed in relief. Swinub had taken out the ground below itself and was floating quickly towards the rubber ring. Both Pokemon completely exhausted, he returned Cyndaquil and threw a Pokeball gently at Swinub. He caught the Pokeball and watched it rumble in his hand…

Characters: 15, 275
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Rampardos pwns (16:33:31): i r older than you :P
Volcanflame (16:33:35): ooo wat a coincidence
Rampardos pwns (16:33:35): and samrter

Last edited by umbreonandespeon; 05-29-2009 at 04:05 PM.
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  #2  
Old 04-26-2009, 05:48 PM
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Default Re: The Great Escape! [Story Deal For Brizer] [Ready For Grading]

Yay, I'm done. :) Time to eat brekfast now.

Story/Plot: Something about this story reminded me of The Day After Tomorrow; it must have been the frozen ship, I think. To be honest, this was one of those stories that really hooked me. I think you captured the sense of urgency and danger just right, especially when Ray was swimming towards the island or when he was battling Swinub. There were some parts, however, that confused me. For example: one minute, Ray’s on the boat, and the next, he’s in the water saying the Pokémon will freeze the water to drown everyone. There was no transition that said the Pokémon got on the boat or that Ray dove into the water, and it completely threw me for a loop. Make sure you explain everything that would otherwise confuse the person who’s reading.

Also, I’m not sure how Ray could see that there was a cave under the island. For one thing, it seemed land was far away, and two, it was night.

Overall, the plot was good enough for a Swinub. For the next part, though, really go over your story and ask yourself if there are any places where you can elaborate so that readers will understand what you’re trying to say. A story can be awesome and exciting, but if the readers get lost just because you didn’t explain something, that awesomness will go right over their heads.

Introduction: Okay, the very beginning was worded a bit weirdly, which made me re-read more than once to understand what you were saying. After that, though, the intro was fine. You described Ray and the section of the boat he was on. In the future, remember to also describe the surroundings to the best of your ability. Were the skies above his head churning with an approaching thunderstorm or were they a placid white that said everything was fine? What about the water the boat swam in? They may be practically in the middle of nowhere, but you can still tell us about it.

Grammar/Spelling: For the most, this was good. However, there was a good handful of typos here and there. You may be writing a Pokémon for somebody, but take your time and PROOFREAD your story before you post it to get rid of all those pesky mistakes. Read what you wrote at least twice; it will do wonders.

Next, I’ll tell you about some repetitive mistakes. They’re nothing big and won’t effect your overall grade, but they’ll greatly improve your stories:

Quote:
“Hey, dude I hope the weatherman was wrong, apparently it’s gonna be freezing temperatures tonight ha-ha!”
Whenever one person addresses another (in this case, the passenger addresses Ray), you need a comma before the name of the person being addressed. So you need a comma before “dude” (aka Ray).

Example: “Come on, Sarah! We’re going to be late!”

Quote:
“Take me with you,” A feminine voice cried out to him.
“A” should be lowercase since “a feminine voice cried out to him” is still part of the dialogue.

Example: “Hold your horses!” shouted the captain.

Quote:
The isle he was in was easily compared to a small train, as the thin white corridor was cramped with empty space and closed doors.
An “isle” is a small island. What you’re looking for is “aisle,” which means a corridor of some sort.

And finally, remember to put a comma before the compounds “and, but, so, yet, nor, or, for” in your sentences:

Quote:
“We need to get out of here!” Ray shouted, but they were all asleep.
See?

Once again, not too bad in this section. Just remember to PROOFREAD YOUR STORY before you post it.

Length: Swinub is actually 10K - 20K, same goes for Ralts. ^^ Yay, you’re right in the middle!

Description/Detail: This was probably your strongest area. Ray and the way he swam towards the cave were described beautifully, and same thing goes for the marsh. Just remember that you should describe all scenery (what was around the boat and not just the marsh) and the characters and Pokémon (also describe Cyndaquil and whatever Pokémon you encounter, not just Swinub). Elaborate and describe everything in your story, not just some chosen parts. This is absolutely crucial if you’re going for harder Pokémon like Wailmer. Describe all characters, Pokémon, attacks, and surroundings; give us the completed picture and not the work in progress.

And something that I felt needed to be pointed out:

Quote:
Cramped tight with empty space, the harsh environment makes a perfect home for many Pokémon…
When someone says “cramped”, they think something in a small place, so “cramped tight with empty space” is basically contradicting itself.

Battle: It might seem a little short, but it’s not too short. Though Swinub put up a good fight, I would have liked him to get more attacks in than just a Tackle and that final Earthquake. Just think of it this way: if Cyndaquil used three attacks, then Swinub should get in at least three attacks. Try and make all your battles two-sided, even until the last second.

And don’t be afraid to describe your attacks in more detail. The more we see, the more exciting the battle will be. Tell us about colors, the way the attacks moved, the way the Pokémon released them, and whatever else you can think of.

Outcome: Although grammar and the battle were iffy, I think this story is well written and exciting. So Swinub captured!

Really work on your grammar and description, okay? I promise you that if you do, you’ll have little chance of failing to catch those other Pokémon you’re going for. Take my advice and keep on writing, U&E! :D Enjoy whatever Pokémon you get!

- Kat
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  #3  
Old 04-26-2009, 05:55 PM
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Default Re: The Great Escape! [Story Deal For Brizer] [Ready For Grading]

Thanks. Cramped tight with empty space was a oxymoron fyi. Okay, I'll get started on my next one. Thanks for grading!
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Rampardos pwns (16:33:31): i r older than you :P
Volcanflame (16:33:35): ooo wat a coincidence
Rampardos pwns (16:33:35): and samrter
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Old 05-05-2009, 06:20 PM
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Default Re: The Great Escape! [Chapter 2 In Progress]

I'll edit my little info and edit anything you want me to later. Thanks for grading Kat. ^_^

A day had passed without food, water, speech or even movement. Ray had fallen asleep with two filled Pokeballs in his hand, floating across an ocean his boat was meant to have sailed across. His sleep was abruptly stopped by a gust of wind that tipped his rubber ring over.

He opened his eyes swiftly and gripped tightly onto the edges of the ring making sure it wouldn’t tip over. Luckily he didn’t. But he had dropped his Pokeballs in the meantime.

He returned to his neutral position and watched his two Pokemon emerge in front of him. First Swinub then Cyndaquil. They both let out a yawn and hopped onto the ring.

“Guys what are you doing you’ll capsize it!” Ray addressed them both, urging them to jump off. But they couldn’t could they? Those two Pokeballs were gone, they couldn’t swim on their own and the Pokeballs he had left were in his bag, and he would have to be on land to get them.

Both Pokemon closed their eyes in thought, facing to the water behind Ray. A pretty small thought as a few seconds after his comment he was blasting off in the opposite direction he was facing.

Swinub was releasing a solid Ice Beam onto the water, and it was instantly evaporated by Cyndaquil’s scorching hot flamethrower. All the energy by their attacks was propelling the ring backwards and they were aiming for solid ground. Ray could see it now.

Ray once again was surprised to find that the ring was losing air. One of the Pokemon had caused a puncture in it and as they were flying it was losing its air. It was shrinking rapidly as Ray’s bottom was sinking in the air and soon after it would be the sea next to the town.

“ALMOST THERE!” Ray shouted with a big tone of hope, urging Swinub and Cyndaquil to push theirselves to their full potential.

Ray was gasping for air as he turned around and looked at the sandy shore that was about to collide with his eyes.

All at the same time, Ray was viciously thrown off of the rubber ring and his body was bouncing on the smooth tide of the water as he made that desperate attempt to reach the shore. As well as that, the rubber ring flew under Cyndaquil’s and Swinub’s feet sweeping their footing from them but they were lucky and were going to have a better journey than Ray was. Swinub’s feet dipped into the water as its floating body floated on the surface of the water and Cyndaquil continued to use Flamethrower. They continued their momentum together and were sent with amazing speed, straight into Ray as his body crashed into the sand.

The sun shined on all of the Pokemon, and the clear blue sky gave them a nice, radiant feeling to relax in. All of them took their faces out of the sand and laughed together. It was probably their happiest moment they would have together. They sat there for hours just laughing and relaxing, and little did they know they were returning to the island, and that they were going to go back to it through a massive game of torture that would span the entire region of Sinnoh.

After Ray had woke up from his dazed slumber at the beach, he awoke with his eyes pointing towards the evening sky, flooded with orange mist and the sun was setting. Ray wasn’t bothered about the sight, He needed to get moving, and he didn’t feel right. He didn’t bother waking up Swinub and Cyndaquil, he insisted on keeping them in their Pokeballs.

There was a forest to the right. He stood there briefly, thinking of where would be safe. He had no house to live in, and sleeping on the beach would surely end up with everything stolen, perhaps his life.

He decided to go into the forest. A dark area where they could camp for the night. What was the worst that could happen?

Brushing off the rough sand glued to the still damp jacket he was wearing, he embarked into the forest as his body stepped into the darkness.

“SHIT!” Ray shouted as he fell to the ground.

His head was aching; his head was contaminated with pain. All he could do was make frustrated sounds out loud, hoping it would go away. But it simply wouldn’t. His arms and legs went numb. He couldn’t lift himself up. The pain continued to work its way into him, until he fainted. The last image he saw was a strange plant being with a green and pink helmet which was concealing its face.

For most of the animals of Farthing Wood a new day was beginning. The sun had set, and the hot, moistureless air was at last cooling a little. It was dusk, and for Badger, time for activity.

Leaving his comfortable underground sleeping chamber, lined with dry leaves and grass, he ambled along to the connecting exit and paused, snuffling the air warily. Moving his head in all directions, his powerful sense of smell soon told him no danger was present, and he emerged from the hole.

Outside waiting for him were all of his friends, Fox, Tawny Owl and Mole, who looked rather shifty.

“We’ve found another human,” Fox spoke up, moving his radiant orange fur into a lighter area of the forest.

“I wouldn’t say it’s a threat…well from the human anyway…” Mole added, not budging at all.

“You don’t mean-” Badger gasped.

“We do. It’s the Ralts Pokemon that has been attacking these people lately. I fear for our safety because humans help us get food, and they’re not the vicious people we had to deal with a while back” Tawny stretched her white wings out, making Mole flinch for a second.

“To put it straight the latest…victim, isn’t too far away and I think you should come with us so we can decide what to do with him” Fox said, trying to speed up the conversation.

“I remember when my dad taught me about humans and their ways, he always said that you should say still when they come near you and they’ll leave you alone and as well as that, if you’re lucky they’ll feed you! Oh what luxuries I used to receive with my dad…” Badger began to ramble.

Fox had known Badger for a long time. Badger tended to enter these states where he didn’t know when to stop talking. Fox was usually the one that had to get him to stop as he had to now. He grunted towards Tawny and Mole, and then stepped forward.

“We can hear it later ok Badger?” Fox interrupted him, then turned around and walked back into the cover of the trees and journeyed towards where the human was lying, relying on his friend’s tendency to tag along during their travels.

He almost instantly felt the rough fur brush his and the reaction from Fox was a big smile. Mole had climbed onto the back of Badger, and Tawny was flying above them.

A few minutes passed. The path seemed endless and the trees all looked the same. It was a bit depressing sometimes and definitely not a place to be chased in.

Tawny saw the human above. It was standing up rather awkwardly and was dazed. Tawny wasn’t surprised; the person had been sleeping in the middle of a forest surrounded by vicious Pokemon that attacked from the inside. Little did Tawny know that the person had also been to sleep in a cave where the only exit was the sea.

Fox and the gang froze in their tracks, and paid heed to Badger’s little rant. They were hardly moving. They were breathing but anything else would ruin the moment that they wanted.
“Don’t be scared…” The humans calm mild voice said. It was Ray.

He wasn’t feeling right. His vision was blurred and the headache was still there. Something was wrong with him and he was sure these animals would have had nothing to do with it. He had to get some company, some protection. He couldn’t afford to release his Pokemon on them. There was no reason to.

“So he’s awake…but we can’t talk to him can we?” Fox muttered to Badger and Mole.

“Well he obviously needs something…but what?”

“Food!” Mole spoke up.

“Good idea Mole, Fox?” Badger responded brightly.

Fox already seemed to have it worked out. He ran up to Ray and gave him a good stare, and stood up and sniffed his legs. Ray acted rather nervously but found the courage to lower his hand towards Fox, who took another look at Ray who was now smiling. He got the watery scent from Ray then proceeded to walk further on down the path they were walking down.

Once again, everyone followed him. That was how it was always meant to be.

Ray started walking rather slowly, holding his head with his eyes closed. He was getting frustrated. He would never get anything this way.

(Follow the creatures…)

Ray opened his eyes and stopped. Did he just hear something? He closed his eyes and kept on walking; now his mind was being swallowed by two minds.

(Yes I am talking to you…)

Ray didn’t reply. He just did what the voice told him to do. He didn’t have a choice after all. They knew the forest a lot better than him.

“Chirp!” Tawny cried, and was heading towards Ray.

Tawny perched its long feet on Ray’s right shoulder and looked forward. Ray knew it had no intention of hurting him which was a change for him at least. He carried on, trying to not cover his head with his hand so he didn’t hurt Tawny.

The cover of trees started to evaporate into the luscious sunset sky, and they came across a water hole.

There was plenty of fine cut grass laid out in the floor ahead of him and the animals had led him to a big pile of apples, acorns and honey for them to eat. They were sharing all of this with him as well! He was finally starting to maintain his grip on reality.

“Best picnic ever! Ray shouted with joy, trying his best to show appreciation towards the creatures.

“Can we trust him?” Mole questioned the group.

Tawny was the first to answer “Well, he makes pretty darn good transport!”

“We’re all creatures, some more primal than others but we’re supposed to look after eachother right?” Fox asked, already crunching his sharp teeth into the soft, juicy, red and round apple he was indulging himself with.

There was no answer after that, as Mole hopped off of Badgers back whilst Tawny did the same with Ray, and then they all sat next to each other and helped themselves to the produce.

They sat there in silence, dipping their apples in honey and taking it in turns to feed themselves. The sun had completely gone, and the darkness had come at the worst time for Ray.

(I’m coming for you!)

Ray jumped up disturbing the group and ran towards the water. He looked at the tree and gazed in shock. The Pokemon he had barely seen before was there.

A pale grey coloured life form with that infamous helmet, its source of power.

“The human and Ralts both have horrid vision at day. But all of us 3 are adapted to night!” Fox explained.

“Just watch the battle then step in at the end!” Badger replied.

Mole, Badger, Fox and Tawny ran into the edge of the forest. Hidden further by the trees but also able to see Ray and Ralts. Fox was the first to run for it, trying to blend his orange fur away from Ralt's view, and squinting with his dog like eyes towards the battle and his nose could smell every drop of blood. Mole dug his way underneath the ground with his sharp claws and his creamy fur disappeared underneath the ground.

(I don’t even have to come near you!)

Ray could pick out the evil smile coming out of Ralts’s face. He was being swallowed by fear.

“STAY…AWAY…from…MEEEEEE!” He screamed, now being attacked in every form. Physically and mentally. It was about the worst experience you could have.

Ray couldn’t take it anymore. He had to let the Pokemon do it for him. He quickly reached into the leather bag and threw Swinub’s Pokeball out.

The brown ice pig emerged straight away and looked up at Ray, waiting for orders.

“Tackle him head on; just like you did against my Cyndaquil!” Ray shouted, revealing a tremor in his voice.

Swinub nodded its head, and went to pursue Ralts. Its brisk feet glided across the grass as quick as possible and as soon as Ralts made a break for it, Swinub lifted its feet from the air and pounced towards Ralts with extreme force.

Ray gasped. The pain and the voice left Ray. He watched as his Pokemon’s body was encased by some sort of blue aura. That radiant light blue outline saw around Swinub, and he could see the effect it was having on it. It was a Confusion attack. Swinub's body was shifting around rapidly letting out squeals to try and gain sympathy from its attacker but it wasn't working. Mercy was not going to be given, but pain was.

The poor Pokemon was floating in the air upside down, having its body manipulated whilst its cold blood dripped towards its head. Its leg muscles were trying to break free, trying to put in enough resistance but it wasn’t working.

“Ice Beam! Full force Swinub!” Ray called out to his troubled friend.

Swinub was too tired from having to propel the rubber ring. It released a tiny burst of ice towards Ralts, and it was lucky enough to freeze Ralt’s hand for a second. It turned into ice briefly and was able to set Swinub free from Ralts’s clutch.

It was time to send in reinforcements. Ray dropped yet another Pokeball onto the ground. Cyndaquil immediately emerged, fired up. Its red fur lit up the sky and gave Ray some strength to go on.

Ray admired Cyndaquil’s passion. The fire in its heart was amazing. Cyndaquil would do anything for Ray and the bond they were building together was growing. Cyndaquil would be the most amazing Pokemon he would ever meet.

Cyndaquil covered itself in a weak fire, ready to tackle. It did so almost instantly after and the fire grew with every step Cyndaquil took. It was jogging into a furious sprint, and watched as Ralts lost its smile. It could only stand there in awe as the powerhouse collided with it, the Flame Wheel was growing stronger.

Ralts didn’t move. The ice from its hand had melted and the blue outlines appeared once again, but on Cyndaquil. The Pokemon whined, and didn’t even try to resist. It was too tired to even try, as Ralts used Psychic on Cyndaquil, and continued to manipulate two bodies once more, and was completely weakening all of Cyndaquil's muscles and shutting down all signs of resistance.

Ray knew it. He shouldn’t have tried to push Cyndaquil that far.

CRASH!

There was an explosion. Cyndaquil was freed, and watched as a white blur crashed straight into Ralts’s stomach. The creature was Swinub, but it was encased in a bright white light that blinded everyone in the area of the blast. Steam flew into Ray’s face and chaos ensued.

He wasn’t sure to do. He felt Tawny take a bit of hair from his head to alert him that she was there, and Ray looked up above him. He could make out a black silhouette through the mist blocking his way. He dropped another Pokeball, and then released it with full force towards Tawny’s claws.

He saw the silhouette leave in the direction of Swinub, and suddenly picked up a roar from Cyndaquil. All of the mist and steam collapsed, being overwhelmed by the sheer heat of the second blast.

There were two evolutions. Two insane blasts that threw Ray off of his feet, and left the animal spectators fleeing. They had left him. Only Tawny was there.

The bird dropped the Pokeball directly on the green head it could barely pick out, then merely watched as Swinub and Cyndaquil were being transformed…but into what?

The entire forest had been torched. All of the leaves were singed, and the fire was raging on further into the forest. The Pokeball was still shaking. There was so many things Ray needed to think about. But he couldn’t. He needed to sit there, and wait for the dust to settle…would the Pokeball roll 3 times? Would Swinub and Cyndaquil evolve or would they be in danger and what about the animals, were they gone? Was the forest gone?

Tawny picked out the balls second roll. One more time…
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  #5  
Old 05-06-2009, 02:43 AM
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Default Re: The Great Escape! [Chapter 2 Ready For Grading]

Darn Database Error. Oh well, it's up now. :)

Plot: I don’t normally restate the plot, not anymore anyway, but for my sake, I’m going to since this story was…confusing a lot of the times.

Ray has been on that rubber ring for a day, then when he awakes, Cyndaquil and Swinub help him to get shore. There, he faints. Tawny, Fox, Badger, and Mole, animals (or Pokémon?) of the forest, find him, and help him out, deeming he’s a victim of this Ralts Pokémon that’s been attacking humans. Ray is lead to a picnic with the animals, and then the Ralts attacks. A battle ensues where the animals help him when it seems he’s losing.

To be honest, this is not as good as the first part of your series. It made me go, “What?” too many times for my liking. The overall plot wasn’t that confusing now that I finished reading it, but it just didn’t flow smoothly enough for me to get everything that was going on the first time around. Why did Ralts hurt him in the first place? I know this is not the last part of your series, and you will more than likely explain this later, but I really feel you should have explained this NOW. The attacking, evil Ralts just seemed too random, too unrealistic. This chapter, really, just seemed like a bunch of unanswered questions fitted together.

Introduction: You don’t need an introduction since this is a continuation, but every continuation should have a brief summary about what happened before. Maybe I can’t get grade this and somebody else who hasn’t read the first chapter has to. Or maybe you posted this months after you posted the first one, and I remember absolutely nothing about the first part. So whenever you are continuing a story, always include a summary that explains the main things that happened before.

Grammar/Spelling: (sigh) You didn’t proofread this really well, U&E. Missing commas and punctuation all over the place. If there’s anything that grates on my nerves when I grade is when authors don’t listen to the advice of previous grades/graders. I adamantly advised you to proofread before you post. We graders don’t write up grades to just get money; we also do it so authors can get better at writing.

I just put it in caps before, so now I’ll take it up a notch: PROOFREAD before you post your story for grade. It’s only 14K, not 100K.

(P.S. Whenever you use numbers, write them out, don’t just put the number. So “3” should be written out as “three,” as in the, “But all of us three are adapted to night!”)

Length: 14K, no problems here.

Description/Detail: Once again, I redirect you to my previous grade. What happened to describing the surroundings and the Pokémon? You described Ralts adequately enough, but what about Fox and the other animals. I honestly don’t know if they’re simply animals or Pokémon. I need to see them. I need to see the shore. I need to see the forest. What did the sand feel like beneath his exhausted body? Did the trees tower above him? Paint us a picture, tell us where your characters are and describe the not-so-important characters as well.

Battle: Ralts got hit by a Tackle, a very weak Ice Beam, a flaming Tackle (perhaps a Flame Wheel?), then a glowing Tackle from Swinub. Ralts, on the other hand, merely lifted Swinub and Cyndaquil in the air. For all the pain he was causing Ray, the Ralts barely participated in the battle. His move pool is pretty good for a basic Pokémon, so there’s no excuse for not including any attacks. Never forget that the battle should be as two-sided as possible, at least until the last moment.

Outcome: I hope you didn’t think that you could ignore my advice and capture the Ralts just because it’s for me. Until further notice, Ralts not captured! For a successful capture, describe Fox and the rest as best as you can (meaning not just a couple words for each) and improve the battle by making Ralts fight back with some actual Pokémon moves. Since Ralts got hit by about four moves, make him use four moves in return. Since I’m disregarding your grammar mistakes and lack of description for the surroundings, the battle and the description for the animals has to be pretty good. I know you can do it, U&E. PM me when you’re ready for a re-grade! ^^

- Kat
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Old 05-06-2009, 04:49 PM
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Default Re: The Great Escape! [Chapter 2 Ready For Grading]

I already said I needed to post it, when I was in a rush. >.>

So I already said I'd proofread it later and I NEVER intended to get away because of you, so don't accuse me of such bullshit. I'll PM you when I'm ready for a regrade.
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Old 05-10-2009, 02:29 AM
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Default Re: The Great Escape! [Chapter 2 Ready For Grading]

I already said everything I needed to say about that in my PM.

*moving on* You improved the battle. Ralts actually gets some attacks in and doesn't just lift the Pokemon in the air. You described the animals a bit better, but you also improved most of the typos I had seen. So Ralts captured!

- Kat
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Old 05-10-2009, 04:44 PM
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Default Re: The Great Escape! [Chapter 2 Ready For Grading]

Thanks. ^_^ Let me know when to confirm the trade.

SeaWolf, your Wailmer is coming up next.
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Old 05-29-2009, 04:04 PM
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Default Re: The Great Escape! [Chapter 2 Ready For Grading]

The ball halted to a stop and faded back into the smoke of the explosion. Ray dashed into the haze amidst the chaos and tried his best not to inhale the toxic waste that could go into his healthy lungs. He picked out the spherical shape, picked it up then came out of the other side of the explosion.

He took in his surroundings and sunk into a state of sudden despair. All of the colourful leaves atop the tall majestic trees were ablaze wrapped in a huge layer of fire and all of passage into the forest was hidden amongst the choking smoke.

Now he had managed to get all of his Pokeballs back, he dropped his light and soft bag onto the ground and quickly pulled the rough zip revealing the almost empty interior to find that his only possession inside of it was the food he was able to take from the area they were eating in. He quickly dropped the Pokeballs into the bag and watched them bounce before closing the bag and strapping it onto his back.

He had kept the Pokeball Ralts was in, but he didn’t want to release it straight away. He didn’t know if it was going to attack him or not and time wasn’t on his side. He would be consumed by the flames or drowned by the Pokemon during his attempt to escape.

“What was that?” Ray heard something which he presumed was footsteps.

Two silhouettes came out of the dark smoke taking equal steps in time with each other.

“Guys are you there?”

The one to the left closest to him froze for a moment as its partner raised its body to stand up to its tallest height and with a huge sense of pride, emitted a flame from the top of its egg shaped head which blew away all of the smoke in front of it revealing itself to Ray. It was Cyndaquil evolved now sporting a creamier underbelly but also much stronger and masculine in appearance. His best friend had become even cooler Ray thought as if that was even possible.

“Quilava!” His evolved friend cried out then immediately approached him with a burning desire to be back in his arms.

“Nice job Quilava!” Ray kept cool putting his thumb up in praise and winking at Quilava’s now perfectly visible eyes in such a way that he now felt proud of owning such a nice Pokemon.

With Quilava standing next to him, he turned his attention to the still covered Pokemon that was next to Quilava a few moments ago.

A taller creature that lurked in its own cover and raising its arched back, almost as if to say that it was ready for a fight. It moved forward poking its new shiny white tusks through the mist and then its face appeared with a bigger marshmallow snout and eventually Ray could see the brown shaggy fur coat emerging as well.

“Wait...where’s its eyes?” Ray asked himself.

The Pokémon had now lost its cover of mist and its nose vibrated for a moment as its head shifted around uneasily then it walked towards Ray and brushed the side of its coat around Ray’s arms.

Ray was united with his friends and he enjoyed the short moment of bonding but he had to wake up immediately as there was no more time left to be wasted. He quickly took the Pokeballs he left in his bag and touched both of his new Pokémon on the head with them so now that they were safe and sound and reaping the reward of relaxing rest he clutched Ralts’s Pokeball ever so tighter now ensuring he had a strong grip on it.

Ray would almost certainly need help through the escape he would be attempting.

He threw the bag onto his back and instantly dashed onwards to the entrance to the forest which was the closest thing to the tree he had eaten by earlier.

He was now sweating from the heat. Standing outside of the entrance he found his eyes attracted to the growing flames that had climbed onto collapsed trees and eradicated all shade away from the remains of the forest.

Ray wasn’t sure what the future held for him but whether he liked it or not he had to move or else he wouldn’t have a future.

Taking a deep breath Ray lunged forwards in a furious sprint urging himself to ignore the scenery. He simply held his head down and ran but his feet collided with a tangled bit of thorn sticking out of one of the trees. His body came crashing down with his feet stung by the thorn and he lay there trying to soak into the pain.

Luckily when he had his feet swept from underneath him he dropped Ralts’s Pokeball which in turn released him into the situation.

“Ralts! Can you help me pal? Ralts!” Ray strained as he issued his urgent call.

“Yes but it WILL cost you,” The voice came into Ray’s mind once again but it wasn’t hurting this time even though it had that overpowering tone of confidence on it once more.

“You have psychic powers right?”

“Right”

“Well use them and get me out of this mess!” Ray raised his voice to make sure he was heard over the roaring flames.

“You don’t tell me what to do as you already tell me how to feel!” Rays head began to hurt as Ralts’s voice changed for the worse.

“Right of course, how silly of me. You’re the emotions Pokémon aren’t you?” Ray realised he had just revealed Ralts’s secret feelings and Ray intended to expose it.

“Yes and you will not wrestle any more power away from me...understand?”

“I understand that if I die right here and right now then your mind will be killed along with mine and we’ll both cease to exist!”

“I can see into the future....but it will hurt you AND me unfortunately but it should be worth it so close your eyes and keep as quiet as possible...” Ralts’s voice became quieter and much gentler than before which motivated Ray even more to relax and enjoy the soothing feeling his mind now had and not the feeling his legs had which was far less enjoyable.

Ralts used the move Future Sight on Ray and sent a sound wave to Ray’s head which allowed Ralts’s mind to become one with the wave. Ralts saw a image of the near future and it showed Ralts a beach with lots of sand and a everlasting ocean which was up in front of it. Then there was Ray lying on the edge of the beach holding his head in despair but Ralts didn’t want to see anymore nor alert Ray of the future as after all, it would come soon.

“Get up and head for the beach straight ahead before the fire manages to reach your feet, quickly!”

Ray quickly lifted himself up and galloped over the thorn which was seconds away from being burnt into ashes. Ignoring all of the scratching and stinging pains he followed Ralts’s slow moving body and regained his breath. Ralts had two feet just like Ray but he understood that Ralts was a lot smaller and it was unfair to leave him behind so he simply kept at the same speed and eventually wound up at the beach.

The fire was finally starting to fade away and flames never went outside of the forest into the nearby town or the beach. Ray had finally escaped the smoke and started coughing madly trying to release all of the horrible air he had inhaled and after a few minutes he was okay.

He reminded himself of the time he had first discovered the area and felt the water infiltrate his torn shoes and soothe his skin. His head was overwhelmed by the Future Sight attack Ralts had used to predict the future and his entire head had given in to the pain. He smacked his head on the rough grainy sand and felt his eye pupils be forced close by his body.

Ralts watched as the events he had already seen came to provision and he merely sat down, admired the view and waited for Ray to recover.

The next day...

A moist fishy smell greeted Ray’s eyes as soon as he opened them and he quickly rolled over to discover the morning sun rising to greet him. It was a pleasing and refreshing sight for sure and it was one that he would remember. He looked at the raw fish he had woken up to and tucked into it with his small but strong teeth.

By the end of his meal he was fully fed and he suddenly felt the need for company. He looked behind him and as if by strange coincidence Ralts was there waiting for him noticing the food that hadn’t been eaten.

“Hello”

“Hi Ralts, were you the one that got all of this nice food?” Ray smiled.

“Yes...do you like it?” Ralts began to willow away slightly blushing because of its lovely self esteem.

“Of course, I ate it all didn’t I?”

Ralts didn’t reply but he did move over to Ray’s side.

“So why were you attacking me when I was in the forest? Please tell me...”

Ralts hesitated for a moment but then began to explain rather awkwardly.

“I needed you to catch me...” Ralts paused trying to put his thoughts into sentences. “Because if you hadn’t I would have died!”

It all made sense.

“So you’re saying that your master had left you and that you needed to find someone or else you’d share your master’s fate?” Ray tried to get Ralts to talk a bit more and to get him to say more in his sentences.

“Exactly but when I tried to tell you through telepathy I released too much energy and knocked you out...” Ralts once again paused trying to remember more. “I thought those animals would try to attack me so I was scared and wound up in that battle in the hope you would capture me and you did”

“Thanks for letting me know and you do realise you are in safe hands right?” Ray’s reassuring voice was very calming for Ralts.

“Of course!” Ralts finally let out his emotions and had a big grin on his face.

Ray decided to end the conversation and nudged Ralts then pointed at the food he had left for Ralts to eat. He nodded back at Ray then began to tuck in.

Ray looked at the water ahead of him and he spotted a ball like silhouette swimming beneath the surface of the water and he noticed ripples of water were heading in his direction yet he said nothing and merely kept his eyes on it.

A few minutes later the water became thicker and the shape became bigger and bigger until its head dipped out of the water and Ray saw its blue whale skin surface in front of him and the black round shaped eyes menacingly stared at the food Ralts had stopped eating.

“Wailmer!” The Pokémon roared intently.

Ray shifted backwards with a unreal sense of speed and within a instant so did Ralts.

Wailmer lifted its body into the air revealing its ball shape as well as its creamy underbelly and its huge mouth that could probably swallow Ray whole if he wasn’t careful. Wailmer didn’t have a tail but it was still very menacing and its soft whale skin crashed onto the creamy sand and because of its heavy weight it released a sand blast which flew towards Ray’s closed eyes and collided with his eyelashes smothering them with sand. Ray found it hard to open them again and when he finally did the sight was Wailmer greedily devouring all of the food Ralts had left to eat.

Ray found himself enraged.

“Are you going to catch it?” Ralts talked to him through telepathy.

“Red handed,” Ray said in a much deeper response than Ralts thought.

Ray took big steps covering long distance until he was face to face with Wailmer and screamed with rage, with fury and with such anger that Wailmer jumped backwards but also Ralts, having now developed a bond with Ray felt the power of anger.

Ralts let out the scream as well and their roars sent Wailmer running in the opposite direction towards the town. Ray and Ralts followed in quick pursuit with determination to teach the perpetrator a lesson that it would never forget.

Now free from the cover of leaves and branches Ray had nothing to fear whatsoever. In front of him was Wailmer who was rolling exactly like a football being passed to something and Ralts was trailing behind but still keeping up.

Wailmer reached a dead end and knocked its head into the wall before stopping and turning around to see Ray towering above it and putting it in a bad situation.

“You’re going to pay!” The voice of violence came from a voice with no reason.

The act of desperation was performed by Wailmer by it successfully knocking each of the brown brick walls next to it making them vibrate and rumble whilst creating an intimidating noise trying to catch Ray off guard or make him flee just like Wailmer did. After successfully rebounding itself in a frantic manner it let out a low pitched grunt and rolled forwards in a big rush and it was perfectly aimed towards Ray. Ray tried to stand his ground but he failed pretty quickly as the fifteen stone Wailmer crushed Ray with its entire body and rolled over him.

Wailmer quickly performed a U-Turn and headed back for Ray but because of its rolling its eyes weren’t adapted to seeing clearly at these speeds and it came to a heart stopping halt and was lifted into the air but not psychically but mentally. Ralts had came to make the save.

“I got you Ray don’t worry.” Ralts assured Ray’s tired mind.

Now that Ralts had rendered Wailmer completely helpless he decided to inflict the pain by using Psychic and creating the blue aura effect on Wailmer. Ralts lifted his hands into the air and then clenched them into fists and watched as Wailmer tried to resist the pain by shaking in a desperate sloppy manner and then watched as Wailmer dropped to the ground and created a mini shockwave.

“The bigger they are the harder they fall,” Ralts praised himself.

Wailmer rolled himself back and stood in its confusing erratic, confusing and unpredictable manner that Ralts wasn’t used to fighting and then unleashed a flurry of Water Gun attacks and the rough but cold water streamed onto Ralts’s face and harmed its eyesight even further which briefly took Ralts’s vision away from it. Wailmer used this time in order to attack from far with Brine.

Water rose from under Ralts’s slim feet and sent it into the air for damage and then let Ralts fall back to the ground severely injuring his back and also preventing it from getting back up but his eyesight was much better.

“Confusion!” Ralts called out and sent out a rainbow coloured beam which caused a direct hit on Wailmer.

Now too weak to move Ralts lay there beside Ray and tried to get his breath back.

Wailmer made a key mistake however just like Ray because of the rage that Wailmer had now been overwhelmed by he didn’t turn back nor run away but he merely used Rest and curled himself up, closed his eyes and went to sleep.

CRASH!

A solid Ice Beam crashed straight into Wailmer’s back and it was so cold that there was no chance of Wailmer ever thawing out. Although it wasn’t very effective damage wise it had frozen Wailmer whilst it was asleep and it was vulnerable.

Without any speech, the new figure that had joined the battle dropped a black and yellow Ultra Ball onto the encased whale and waited.

~I understand entirely that this is below the length requirement but I intended this because I am testing out roughly how many characters a good battle can provide but I am also trying to get the capture by trying to excel with other things and you’ll see me returning to length next chapter. I also proofread this for once which I am certainly glad about lol! Thanks for grading Kat, you are oh so helpful. :)~
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  #10  
Old 06-04-2009, 04:27 PM
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Default Re: The Great Escape! [Chapter 3 Ready For Grading]

Kat has dissapeared and Dark Lightning apparently got caught up with schoolwork.

Requesting grade.
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Old 06-05-2009, 01:55 AM
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Default Re: The Great Escape! [Chapter 3 Ready For Grading]

Damn virus pop-up. It was so freaking annoying to type this with that thing popping up and making me stop. >>

Plot/Story: This new installment to the series was similar in action and excitement as chapter two, but since you’re going for a Hard Pokémon this time around, the word “lackluster” comes to mind. When you break it down, the story essentially consists of: Ray gets out of the forest and winds up on the beach; he then wakes up and finds out why Ralts had “attacked” him and befriends it, and then a Wailmer pops out to steal Ralts’ food. The plot itself, I guess, wasn’t that bad, but it didn’t seem you elaborated on it enough to make it good enough for a Hard Pokémon. For example, at the end of chapter two and at the beginning of chapter three, the forest fire seemed like a big deal, but you didn’t take the time to tell us about how he escaped, about how he practically died in there. So in the end, I was left with a, “So that’s it?” feeling.

Also, Ralts’ explanation of why he “attacked” Ray, I’m assuming, was the chapter’s climax, kind of the whole reason the reader is reading. That also felt a bit too…lackluster-y. I’m not saying the way you wrote it wasn’t good. I just think that you could have really elaborated on that scene since it’s so important. For example, if I was Ray, I wouldn’t trust the creature that knocked me out so easily, explanation or not. That could have led to Ralts having to earn his new trainer’s trust (maybe that would be a reason Ralts caught that fish for them the next morning?)

(By the way, I also thought that Ray knowing right off the bat what happened to Ralts was too unrealistic. Ralts’ words could have been interpreted in plenty of ways.)

In a nutshell, the plot was okay, just like your last one. It just seemed that it needed more explanation about the events that were taking place.

One last thing:

Quote:
The fire was finally starting to fade away and flames never went outside of the forest into the nearby town or the beach.
Was the town always there? :x If so, I’m wondering why Ray didn’t think of going there.

Introduction: Once again, you don’t need an intro since this is just another chapter. However, once again, you should put up summaries of past chapters. Maybe somebody else is grading the chapter, or maybe I just forgot what happened last time and need a reminder. So remember: put up summaries for every chapter you write.

Grammar/Spelling: First of all, I saw fewer typos than before. So good job in this area, U&E! There were still typos, though, so make sure you proofread your story more carefully. They were simple ones like forgetting periods or commas.

And now, I just have to say this: it seemed most of the sentences in your story were run-ons or just plain awkward. O_o I highly suggest you read your story aloud when you proofread. If you do, you’ll see that in many of your sentences, you have run out of breath at least twice before you reach the period. For example:

Quote:
He quickly took the Pokeballs he left in his bag and touched both of his new Pokémon on the head with them so now that they were safe and sound and reaping the reward of relaxing rest he clutched Ralts’s Pokeball ever so tighter now ensuring he had a strong grip on it.
This sentence is MUCH TOO LONG AND INCORRECT. You can easily determine where you need to split it up by reading it and putting a full stop wherever you stop to take a breath. The first period is needed after “them”. The second period is needed after “rest,” and the third is needed after “it.” So this sentence should now look something like this (with some very minor editing because of the added periods):

Quote:
He quickly took the Pokeballs he left in his bag and touched both of his new Pokémon on the head with them. So now they were safe and sound and reaping the reward of relaxing rest. He clutched Ralts’s Pokeball ever so tighter, now ensuring he had a strong grip on it.
See? Isn’t that much easier to say? Please, please read your story aloud when you proofread. I know it may sound stupid and as though you’re talking to yourself (you have no idea how many times my own mom had looked at me weird while I was reading my stories aloud), but you’ll be able to catch weird wording, missing commas, and run-ons. If you don’t, the problem will continue, and it will be difficult for you to capture harder Pokémon.

And now I’m going to repeat the same mistakes and corrections from my last two grades. Again, please make sure that you correct them in your future stories. Pointing them out and telling you how to fix them is useless if you don’t actually do it in your stories:

Quote:
“Wailmer!” The Pokémon roared intently.
The “T” should be lowercased because “the Pokémon roared intently” still pertains to the dialogue that is being spoken.

Quote:
A solid Ice Beam crashed straight into Wailmer’s back and it was so cold that there was no chance of Wailmer ever thawing out.
You need a comma between “back” and “and” because “and” is joining two complete sentences into one. The same thing goes for combining words: but ; or ; for ; so ; nor.

Quote:
Ray shifted backwards with a unreal sense of speed and within a instant so did Ralts.
The “a” should be “an” because “instant” starts with an vowel. (I don’t think I said this before.)

Quote:
“I got you Ray don’t worry.”
You need a comma before the name of a character that is being addressed. In this case, Ray is being addressed by Ralts, so a comma before “Ray” is needed.

Length: You’re more than a quarter under the required length, though I’m pretty sure you knew that. I’m not going to scold you or anything because you did this intentionally and know exactly how much length can effect your final grade.

Description/Detail: This section was better this time around. I could finally see the Pokémon, which I’m very happy about. However, like your plot, I felt this section was lackluster for a Hard Pokémon (for a Medium, I think it’s perfectly fine, by the way). You told us about the smoke and leaves ablaze in the beginning, for instance, but that was about it. How did the flames take over the trees? What did Ray smell while he was in there? Did he hear the crackling flames? What I’m trying to say is that once you hit the Hard tier of writing, you MUST, no excuses, use more than just your sense of sight. In my opinion, description based solely on sight is merely Medium description.

To make it easier, try your hardest to see yourself in your character’s place. Don’t envision your character in the story setting. In all seriousness, imagine that you’re the one in the burning forest, and then tell yourself what hear, smell, and whatever else you can think of.

Other than that, your description was okay. There were instances where wording in your description made for awkward reading:

Quote:
A moist fishy smell greeted Ray’s eyes as soon as he opened them and he quickly rolled over to discover the morning sun rising to greet him.
Eyes cannot detect smell; your nose can.

Quote:
He smacked his head on the rough grainy sand and felt his eye pupils be forced close by his body.
“Pupils” are the black spots in the middle of your eyes, and while they can become smaller or bigger, they can’t be closed. I’m pretty sure you were looking for “eyelids”.

So try to incorporate more than just sight in your description. As you do so, pay close attention to the way you word your words.

Battle: Try to include the names of all the attacks used in the battle. It’s confusing to try and figure out whether the Pokémon merely reacted instinctively or if they used an actual Pokémon attack.

This battle was much better than your last ones. More attacks were used. There was more detail. If you ante up the description, this section will be great. As a tip, the main thing I think make battles great is when the author goes into detail about what each Pokémon felt when they got hit by an attack. Did Wailmer feel as though knives were stabbing him when he was frozen? Pokémon aren’t the pixels we see in our games. In URPG stories, they are living, breathing creatures that can feel pain. Remind everybody this whenever you write a battle.

Outcome: Overall, this was better than your last captures, but you fell short of what’s expected when going for a Hard Pokémon. And since you were 6K under the minimum, I can’t help but be that much stricter. For now, Wailmer not captured! For a capture, you either need to:

- Get the character count up to 20K.
- Greatly improve your description and detail. This includes the battle and the forest scene.

To be honest, I think adding 6K more will be much easier since even with added description, you’ll still be under 20K, and I’ll still be very strict. I think it would be best if you try and improve the description in the next chapter. It will also give you a chance to improve your plot, which will greatly sway me towards a pass. Whatever you decide, good luck! PM me for a re-grade whenever you’re ready! :3

(Please bold any changes/add-ons you make; it makes it easier to do a re-grade. ^^ )

- Kat
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Last edited by Phantom Kat; 06-05-2009 at 07:23 AM.
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Old 06-05-2009, 04:21 PM
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Default Re: The Great Escape! [Chapter 3 Ready For Grading]

Thanks for the grade and corrections. I'll let you know when I'm ready for a re-grade.
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Rampardos pwns (16:33:31): i r older than you :P
Volcanflame (16:33:35): ooo wat a coincidence
Rampardos pwns (16:33:35): and samrter
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