Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 05-27-2009, 09:41 PM
Gokudera-Kun's Avatar
Gokudera-Kun Offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Duelingnetwork.com
Posts: 4,391
Send a message via AIM to Gokudera-Kun
Default Rest In Peace[NWC Entry]

"We have gathered here today to honor the memory of Gary Wilson. He left us exactly one year ago today. He was a loving son-in-law, husband, dad, and grandfather. His memory lives on in his friends and family. I knew him personally, once a month we would travel to the Great Marsh, and every July we would travel to Kanto or Hoenn for the Safari Zone. He made friends wherever he went, and always had a story to share," Reverend Michael said, reading the speech he had prepared for this memorial, "I would now like to extend the podium to anybody with a fond memory of this man."

I watched my grandmother, a short brown woman, step up to the microphone. Tears were already trailing down her cheeks, "When Gary left us a year ago, the entire family was devastated. My son Steven and I never got along very well. Whenever we fought, Gary was the voice of reason. Whenever one of us was being stupid, he didn't hesitate to let us know. Now that he's passed away, and my grandson Alex left Solaceon Town to pursue a finer education, the only thing stopping us from killing each other is little Samantha. But that is beside the point, we're supposed to be remembering all the great things my husband gave us. I remember nine years ago, we would always ride this Rapidash around. Alex, who was six at the time, always wanted to ride with us, but Rapidash was too big and dangerous for him. One day, Gary disappeared, he was gone for an entire month. He had gone to the Kanto Safari Zone. When he returned, he had captured a Kangaskhan! That thing was so big, I don't even remember how we could afford to feed it. But Gary didn't care, that Pokemon provided a safe ride in her pouch for little Alex. It made him so happy, and Gary was happy too," my grandma began crying fiercly and stepped down from the podium.

Miguel, my uncle, a very tall man, was next to step up, "My dad loved dogs. I remember he had this Growlithe. He loved that thing to death, which sadly it did. One day, it swallowed a Skorupi. The poison was so strong, it killed the poor thing. Fifteen years later, I finally found the perfect dog companion for him. They were two young Eevees. I remember that Father's Day. I had been taking care of them for a good month. So it was only natural that I expected to have to force them to stay with dad. As soon as I opened the box, the two furballs jumped into his arms. Man he loved those things. In fact, his love caused them to evolve into Umbreon and Espeon. The whole family cooed over those two. He vanished for two weeks, taking them both with him. When he returned, he had a big sack tossed over his shoulder. It was funny because it was Christmas and his white beard made him look like Santa Claus. He had an egg in his arms, which he gave to thirteen year-old Alex. He then said, 'son, a nice couple I know gave me this egg. I am quite sure it will hatch into an Eevee'. I told Alex to take care of the egg, its contents were valuable. Dad looked at me and said, 'I think you over-looked something Miguel'. I asked him what he meant. He reached into the bag and pulled out another egg, exactly like the one he had given Alex! The bag held six more eggs, each identical to the two he had already revealed. 'That nice couple,' he said, 'are Umbreon and Espeon'. I was so surprised, I failed to check their genders! I intended to buy two females, but one of the Eevees was actually a male! He gave an egg to each of his kids and grandkids. Even my daughter, Polly, who was only a year old at the time. I just wish he could see how those little Eevees have grown," Miguel began crying, throwing me off my guard. He was so big, and this was the first time I've ever seen him cry.

The cemetary stood quiet. Nobody wanted to give another speech. At first I was upset, but then I realized that they were still grieving. I left Solaceon Town a month after the funeral, so I wasn't around for most of the grieving process. I suddenly felt terrible, everyone else was torn apart, but I felt nothing. I knew what I had to do. Everybody quieted down as I stepped onto the podium, "As you know, I left Solaceon Town in hopes of higher education. I found that in Sandgem Town, where I spent my final school year with Professor Rowan and obtained my Battle Dimension degree. I made several friends, but returned here instead of exploring the world with them. My memory is one that describes my grandfather's vast forgiveness. I was ten when I got into my first fight. I beat the kid up and got suspended for a week. My grandpa worked the crap out of me. I was cleaning stables, digging trenches, and feeding all the Pokemon. The last day of my suspension, he told me he was going to teach me to fight honorably. So he pulled out that harmonica of his and played a soft tune. A small Skorupi, the same species that had killed his Growlithe, popped out of the ground. He snatched it up with a Pokeball and gave it to me. I initially refused, saying that I would get my first Pokemon when I finished school, but... he insisted," I took a break, fighting back the tears, "we spent the entire day battling with our Pokemon. He was constantly filling me with battle strategies and his own philosophies. I-I just wish he could see what that little Skorupi has become now."

The reverend, dressed in his fine black suit, closed the ceremony. The family all returned home, except for me. I stayed behind, standing over my grandfather's grave. The atmosphere was heavy as I stared at the marble tombstone. The grass under me, which engulfed my grandfather's deceased body, was fairly damp. The cloud cover was thick, casting a dark shadow over the town. I looked up and saw the Pokemon Tower. Suddenly, a thick fog wafted over the cemetary. An eerie green light shined through the thick pea soup-like cover. I cautiously walked towards the strange glow. I hid behind a dark tree that bore Enigma berries and watched a man wearing a dark trenchcoat and wide-brimmed hat. In his hand was a strange rock, this rock was the source of the light. As he crouched down to set the rock onto a grave, I noticed that there was nothing in the trenchcoat! In fact, the coat and hat were floating in mid-air. Green light flowed from the grave and into the rock that rested atop it. The light gave me an ominous feeling.

"What are you?" I asked.

The hat turned to me. In an instant, it bent down and scooped up the rock. I gave chase as it floated deeper into the fog. The farther I chased, the thick the air around me became. Suddenly, the air became freezing cold, goosebumps ran all over my body. Time seemed to stop as the fog wrapped around me, clouding my vision. When it cleared, I found myself lying on the dirt outside of the cemetary. My soul felt like it was being drawn out of my body!

"Alex! What the hell happened?" a familiar voice asked.

I looked up to find a fifteen year-old boy wearing a fancy blue hat and coat. He had black hair that protruded out the back. He carefully lifted me off the ground.


"Riley? What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I was on my way to Veilstone and remembered that you had that memorial today," he replied, "Haven't seen you since we stopped Team Galatic from getting their hands on Professor Rowan's Pokemon."

Riley was one of the friends I made while studying under Professor Rowan. He had inherited the power of aura from Sir Aaron, the legendary hero of Sinnoh. Back then, he, Dawn, Lucas, Barry, and I were, still are, some of the best friends there are. We would always spend our free time training. Eventually though, it was time to split up. Riley was called to Iron Island to train under Gen, another aura-user. Barry, Dawn, and Lucas all left to participate in the Sinnoh League, and to thwart Team Galatic's plans. Riley led me under a tree, where I sat down and relaxed after that eerie experience.

"What happened to you?" he asked.

"I was standing in the cemetary when this weird fog came in," I explained, "everything felt cold, and there was this strange green light, so I followed it. There was this floating trenchcoat and hat that was holding this glowing rock. The rock had these strange markings on it. He put the rock on a grave, and this weird green light came out of the ground. The rock, I think it was absorbing the light! I chased after the man and the fog closed in around me. Next thing I know, I'm lying on the ground outside the cemetary, and then you showed up."

"As I feared, Spiritomb has returned," Riley replied, a strange tone in his voice.

"Spiritomb? What the hell are you talking about?" I asked.

"Gen taught me about this," he replied, placing his hand on his chin, "One of Aaron's first missions was to stop a Spiritomb. I believe the rock you saw is the Odd Keystone. Spiritomb lives in that rock, and that's what gives it power. I'm sure that floating trenchcoat is one of Spiritomb's minions. When the Odd Keystone is placed near a soul, preferably on top of its resting place, Spiritomb absorbs that soul. Judging by how it gave you the slip, I'd say Spiritomb is incredibly powerful."

"If it's so strong, then why didn't it come out and fight me?" I asked, hooked on Riley's story.

"Spiritomb hasn't been placed in the Spirit Tower Well yet. If it had, you would've seen it in its true form."

"So...how do we stop it?"

"I was hoping you'd ask."

Riley and I went to my family's house in Solaceon Town. We sat under a green canopy whose ceiling was transluscent, giving us a clear view of the cloudy sky. Riley explained that Spiritomb's activity is to blame for this dark weather. We sat on a cherry wood bench and watched the Pokemon that were in the Daycare's care. My family owns the Daycare, which, besides the Pokemon Tower, is the only reason people stay in Solaceon Town. Many breeders come here, eager to have their Pokemon learn Egg Moves. Although it was our motto to never turn down a customer, my family despised breeders. They would ditch a Pokemon just because it didn't act the way they wanted. Sometimes they would take a mis-behaving Pokemon and abandon a shy one. Being a trainer, I understood the breeder's methods, so I was the go-to guy whenever I was around. My dad, Steven, a man in his late thirties, roughly the same height as me, joined us under the canopy.

"What are you two talking about?" he asked in his deep voice.

"Spiritomb, Mr. Wilson," Riley politely replied.

"Spiritomb, you mean that old wife's tale?" dad asked.

"It's not a work of fiction dad," I replied, "I saw the Odd Keystone, it stole a soul from a grave."

"I believe you," he replied, "I saw the same thing happen last week, I just wasn't sure what it was. But do you really think it was Spiritomb?"

"Yes, I can sense its presence," Riley replied, closing his eyes, "it is in the cemetary as we speak, collecting souls."

"Then we have to go!" I yelled, rising to my feet, "we can't let it get to my grandpa!"

"He's right sir," Riley added.

"Be careful you two," dad responded.

Riley and I stood in front of the black gates of the cemetary. Sure enough, the strange fog from earlier shrouded the graveyard. We walked through the gates and suddenly felt like we were in Snowpoint City. The green light shined brightly through the fog, just as it had done this morning.

"Listen Alex, we can't just madly run into the fog," Riley explained, "we have to vanquish this fog first."

"And how do we do that?" I asked.

"Simple, use Defog," he replied, pulling out a red-and-white ball.

He pressed a button on the small ball, causing it to expand to the size of a grapefruit. He shot his arm forward, the force cracking the Pokeball open. A flash of white light formed a strange shape. The Pokemon that came out of the ball was egg-shaped, with large wings emerging from the sides, feet and a tail in the back, and three spikes in the front. Togekiss let out a gentle cry, spreading the happiness she stored in her body into the atmosphere, warming up the two boys.


"Togekiss I need you to use Defog," Riley commanded softly.

"Preeee," the Jubilee Pokemon cried.

She beat her mighty wings rapidly. The breeze caused by her constant flapping drove the fog away, revealing the dark grass covered in dew, the marble grave markers, and most importantly; Spiritomb's servant and the Odd Keystone. The floating trenchcoat and hat turned to face the two boys. It knew there was no way to retreat, so it raised its arms and called forth two ghosts. The ghosts were short purple creatures, with sapphires for eyes and a ruby in its chest. The two Sableye erratically moved towards the humans that were interrupting their master's feast.


"Got some assistance for me?" Riley asked, turning to me.

"Yeah, I have my Chimchar right here," I replied, throwing a Pokeball of my own.

The white light dispersed, revealing an energetic orange monkey with a fiery tail. The monkey danced around on his tan feet and hands. He did a back-flip and then leapt into the air, a big grin on his face.


The two Sableye leapt toward the monkey and the fat bird with incredible speed. They were ready to erase the happiness in the two opposing Pokemon. Both of the Sableye fired off glowing rocks at Chimchar and Togekiss.

"Chimchar, dodge it now!" I yelled.

"Togekiss, counter with Aura Sphere," Riley commanded.

The bulky white bird fired off a light blue orb that collided with the Power Gem. Both attacks exploded, dispersing each other. The Power Gem that was aimed at my Chimchar clashed with the ground as the Chimp Pokemon quickly leapt to the side. Using this oppurtunity, the floating trenchcoat fled with the Odd Keystone in tow.

"Chimchar, Flame Wheel, go!" I yelled.

"Togekiss, use Air Slash," Riley said.

Chimchar spun himself into a ball and surrounded himself in fire. The sphere of flames burned through the damp grass. The Flame Wheel ground the Ghost/Dark-type with fire. Togekiss used the wind caused from her flapping to form thin knives that cut through the second Sableye. Both ghosts vanished instantly.

"What the hell?" I asked. "How can they be illusions? Those Power Gems were real!"

"Chimchar! Behind you!" Riley yelled.

The two Sableye rose out of my monkey's shadow. Chimchar turned right into a barrage of claws. The Shadow Sneak was successful. Chimchar was knocked into a tombstone, thunking his head on the marble. Both Sableye chuckled with malice.

"Togekiss, use Fire Blast," Riley said calmly, "that'll cause some trouble."

"Chimchar, make it double!" I cheered.

Both of our Pokemon drew in a large well of flames. They both shot out a human-shaped bullet of flames. They hit the pair of Sableye from both sides, exploding and engulfing them into flames. When the fire dispersed, both ghosts were gone. We took a quick check, to make sure there wasn't another Shadow Sneak coming. Once we were sure the coast was clear, we recalled our Pokemon and bolted towards the Spirit Tower Well.

After several minutes of running, we found ourself in a clearing surrounded by trees at the riverside. The floating trenchcoat dropped the Odd Keystone into a large mound of rock. The glowing rock fit in perfectly. The Odd Keystone floated out of the hole, surrounding itself with all the green orbs that contained the souls Spiritomb had absorbed. A dark purple black hole formed from the Odd Keystone, collecting the souls. The black hole opened up, revealing a glowing green face. Spiritomb cackled and floated into the cemetary.


"Where do you think you're going!" I yelled.

When Spiritomb opened its mouth, an eerie chill engulfed the area, "Dussssssknoir my good man. If you don't mind, I prefer to feasssssst without interferenccccce."

"As you say Master Spiritomb," the trenchcoat replied with a British accent.

The trenchcoat and hat disappeared, and the ghost brought his image into the living realm. It had a bulky stomach with a yellow face on it, a head that looked similar to a knight's helmet, and a curvy tail replacing his legs.


"I don't have time for this!" I yelled.

"Don't worry Alex, I'll handle this one," Riley replied, pulling out a Pokeball, "you protect the souls!"

"Right," I replied, chasing after Spiritomb.

"I will make short work of you guv'," Dusknoir said, turning to Riley.

"Gallade, let's show this guy what you can do!" he yelled in response.

His Pokeball burst open to reveal his Fighting/Psychic-type. A tall figure with white legs and a green upper body let out a cry. His arms were skinny, and sharp blade-like appendages extended from his elbows. An odd fin popped out from the top of his head.


"Ahh, a battle of Good versus Evil," Dusknoir sighed, "This will surely prove interesting..."

The bulky ghost bowed like a true gentleman. Gallade did the same, both Pokemon, albeit being on different sides of the good-evil divide, had a strong sense of honor. They both retreated from their bow and into their fighting stances. Dusknoir widened his arms, his red eye began shining viciously. A strange glow emanated from him and into the sky.

"With Future Sight, I can see the outcome of this battle," he explained, "Two defeats...I see, but from who?" the Gripper Pokemon twitched violently, and lost his accent, "Hundreds of souls...gone. The ones you love...devoured. What's this? A light? What does this all mean? Eons...eons...the key lies in the eons. I don't understand."

Riley was startled by Dusknoir's sudden change in personality, "W-what do you see?"

"It doesn't matter... if your friend wins, or if Spiritomb wins, every soul in that cemetary will be lost!" it yelled.

"Damn! Gallade, we gotta take this guy out fast!" Riley yelled, "Use Fury Cutter!"

Gallade dashed forward and viciously hacked at Dusknoir with the blades that extended from his elbows. Despite Gallade's ferocious strength, Dusknoir didn't move a muscle. It was a bulky Pokemon, capable of taking tons of punishment. But still, it is supposed to feel pain. The Future Sight seemed to drain all of Dusknoir's awareness. Riley tried to run off, but a strange purple light surrounded everything within a fifteen foot radius of Dusknoir.

"Imprison? What the hell!" Riley roared, banging on the barrier.

Dusknoir began glowing with a strange purplish-black aura. It was warming up to use Memento, a vicious attack that, when used, trades the user's consciousness for the ability to drain the very life out of everything in the nearby area. If Riley and Gallade didn't do something about this, they would be left at the mercy of the elements.

Last edited by Gokudera-Kun; 05-30-2009 at 06:59 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-29-2009, 12:58 AM
Gokudera-Kun's Avatar
Gokudera-Kun Offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Duelingnetwork.com
Posts: 4,391
Send a message via AIM to Gokudera-Kun
Default Re: Rest In Peace[NWC Hopeful]

There I was, in the middle of the dark cemetary, standing face-to-face with the soul stealer itself; Spiritomb. I knew there was only one way to keep my grandfather's soul safe: defeat Spiritomb.

"You fooool," it hissed, "you fight me in the middle of a cccccccemetaryyyy? Ho-oh isssssn't here to sssssave thessssse ssssssoulsssss."

"W-w-what the hell do you mean?!" I yelled, startled by its mention of the legendary bird.

"Ho-oh exorcccccissssesssss the ssssssssoulsssss and leadssss them to afterlife," it replied, "but you humansssssss sssssscared it off, ssssssso now they are ssssssstuck in the gravesssssss."

"S-s-so what you're saying is, for this past year, Grandpa Wilson is..." I stuttered.

"That'ssssss right, he could've eassssssily been taken to Heaven, but Ho-oh hassssss forssssssaken him," Spiritomb replied, its words were like a parasite, drilling into my mind.

I was ready to give up. I was going to let Spiritomb have every soul in the graveyard! A light, not an eerie one, a warming light in the sky convinced me that I had to fight. Spiritomb turned to begin feasting, so I threw a Pokeball. The ball erupted, revealing a prickly dog. The dog was yellow with a white band across his collar. This was my Jolteon, the evolved form of the Eevee I had received two years ago.



"Jolteon, use Double Kick," I commanded.

The Lightning Pokemon leapt into the air. He angled himself so his hind legs were facing the Forbidden Pokemon. Once they were in range, the legs began kicking fiercly. At first, the attacks merely kicked at the purple fog that engulfed the spirits, but then the leg knicked the Odd Keystone that served as the base. The rock began spinning, taking Spiritomb with it.

"So that's how it is," I commented cockily, "being a ghost, you can't be touched by Fighting or Normal attacks, but the Odd Keystone is fair gain."

"Impresssssssive," Spiritomb replied, "but it won't do you any good."

Suddenly, the air lost a lot of its warmth. The area around Jolteon turned an odd shade of purple. The air around my dog hacked at his body. This was Ominous Wind, an attack that is more helpful to the user than dangerous to the target. Spiritomb began glowing with increased power.

It chuckled a slammed the Odd Keystone into the ground. The terrain under me opened and dragged me under. I soon found myself up to my neck in a rocky tomb. I struggled, but could not free myself from the Rock Tomb. Jolteon focused his attention on me, ignoring Spiritomb who was now right above him.

The Forbidden Pokemon laughed maliciously. The Odd Keystone began glowing a bright orange color, the same color that warns you of an incoming Hyper Beam.

"Jolteon! Use Agility now!" I yelled, scraping my throat in the rocks.

My yellow dog vanished in a flash as Spiritomb came crashing down. The aftershock of the Giga Impact formed a large crater in the ground, giving me enough room to free myself. I climbed out of te crater and found that several corpses were lying in the center, where Spiritomb was recharging stamina.

"Jolteon, Thunder," I said, capitalizing onte Dark/Ghost-type's inactivity.

Jolteon howled, causing lightning to form in the sky. The clouds flashed yellow until finally, a large bolt of lightning struck the center of the crater. The smell of old, burning flesh filled the air, along with smoke from the deceased. Spiritomb laughed as it shook off the powerful attack, seemingly unharmed.

"Thossssse poor ssssssoulssssss," it muttered.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"Look and seeee."

I looked into the crater and saw green flashes of light just vanish. Spiritomb was laughing harder than ever now, then it dawned on me.

"I destroyed those souls!"

"Yesssss, that Thunder doomed them to Hell."

"Wait? How?"

"Sssssoulssss are fragile beingssssss. Ccccertain attacksssss, like Ssssacred Fire, can ssssssend a ssssspirit to the afterlife. But mossssst movesssss usssssually banisssssh them to Hell. Thisssss issss why Ssssir Aaron lured me away from the cccccemetary. Now every inhabit issss under my dominancccce."

"So you're saying that if I don't fight you I'm damned, but if I do fight you, then I'm damning the souls in the graveyard."

"Of courssssse."

"Fine, Jolteon use Dig!"

My Lightning Pokemon obediently dove into the earth. The experience must have been hellful, should he have run into one of the many corpses. The prickly yellow fur of my dog leapt out of the ground, throwing rocks everywhere.

"Jolteon, Bite and then add insult to injury with Thunder Fang."

Before Spiritomb had a chance to react, Jolteon had sunk his fangs into the purple mist of a body it possessed. This was the pre-requisite to using attacks like Thunder Fang. The real fun began when Jolteon pulsed electricity through his fangs, putting the "Thunder" in "Thunder Fang". Spiritomb shook around madly, desperately trying to shake off Jolteon. It was successful, but my dog took a big chunk of the purple mist with him. Around twelve green spirit balls floated aimlessly in the air.

"They're mine!" Spiritomb roared, opening its souless mouth.

The green orbs were drawn inside the purple whirlpool, restoring the original 108 spirits. But the Forbidden Pokemon was not about to leave it at that. The air grew increasingly cold as spirits rose from any graves within a ten-foot radius of it. The spirits zipped towards Spiritomb, but a strange blue light stopped them. When they came in contact with the light, the spirits shot straight into the heavens. Two spinning balls of light flew in from the East, exploding on contact with the Odd Keystone, temporarily stunning Spiritomb.

Riley jumped out of the trees with his signature Pokemon by his side. This Pokemon resembled Anubis of Egyptian legend. He was mostly blue with black limbs and mask. His torso was tan with a lone spike in the middle. This was the Aura Pokemon, Lucario,


"What took you so long?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Dusknoir proved to be a suicide case," he replied, "Memento...Gallade sacrificed himself...to Teleport me out of the attack's range."

"I'm...sorry."

"It's okay," he replied, then putting on a serious face said, "You and Jolteon keep Spiritomb busy. Whenever we can, we'll exorcise the spirits."

"Gotcha."

"Y-y-you... YOU RATATA BASTARDS!" Spiritomb roared.

"What happened to that weird hissing noise?" I asked, confused.

"My patience has grown thin," it replied, "I want to eat these souls now!"

Suddenly, time stopped. The feeling was exactly the same feeling that I felt in the morning. While we were frozen in time, Spiritomb opened its ghostly mouth. The power radiating from the ghostly black hole was stronger than anything I had ever experienced. Five hundred souls rested in Solaceon Cemetary, and five hundred assimilated with the Forbidden Pokemon. Spiritomb grew to twenty feet in diameter, dwarfing the Odd Keystone. The green dots in the vortex were numerous, like the acne on a newly pubescent teenage boy. We finally regained motion, but it was too late. My grandfather's soul was already claimed.

"Y-you... I-I-I... DAMN IT!" I yelled, falling to my knees.

"Chin up boy," a deep voice called out from behind.

"We're here for you Alex," a girly voice added.

"The Wilson family stays together," an extremely deep voice boomed.

I looked behind me to find seven members of my family. My dad commanded Flareon, an orange dog with a yellow mane. My sister Samantha had a pink cat-like dog with pointed ears with a pronged tail, Espeon. My uncle Miguel took control of a black dog with golden rings, Umbreon. His daughter, my three year-old cousin, Polly had a little brown puffball, Eevee. My aunt, a big woman, took control of Vaporeon, a mermaid-like dog. Her kids had control of Leafeon and Glaceon, users of Grass and Ice respectively. I looked around, waiting for my grandmother to show up. My family simply pointed to the sky, where I found the grey belly of a fierce red-winged dragon, Salamence. This was grandmother's prized Dragon-type Pokemon. This family reunion proved to end like all the ones before it; in a battle.


"The eons... is this what Dusknoir was talking about?" Riley muttered, placing a hand on his chin.

"Okay guys, we gotta take this mother hubbard out of his cupboard!" my dad yelled.

"That was lame," my sister face-palmed.

"We'll discuss that later," I butt in, "WILSON FAMILY NINE-WAY COMBINATION ATTACK!" I roared, loud enough so my grandmother could hear.

"Umbreon, Dark Pulse! Block out his positive vibes!"

"Espeon, Psybeam! Turn around his way of life!"

"Glaceon, Blizzard! Freeze his evil deeds!"

"Leafeon, Seed Bomb! Let Mother Nature do her thing!"

"Flareon, Overheat! Melt him to ashes!"

"Vaporeon, Hydro Pump! Douse the flames of hatred!"

"Eevee, Trump Card! Go!"

"Salamence, Draco Meteor! Show this creep that wisdom is not the only thing that comes with age!"

"Jolteon, Discharge! Fry this guy!"

The eons and Salamence combined their elements into a giant super attack. The mega blast exploded in the giant Spiritomb's face, scattering the spirits. We all cheered, hoping that we avenged poor Gary Wilson. Lucario and Riley threw themselves in front of me, sending out an aura barrier. Spiritomb unleashed a menacing green flash, that seperated the spirits from the bodies that weren't protected by Sir Aaron's aura. Spiritomb increased in size as it absorbed the souls of my family and their Pokemon, including Jolteon.

"You idiots," Spiritomb taunted, "You should've gone with them, now you have NOTHING!"

"I don't... believe this. Now how can we win?" I complained.

"Listen," Riley said, placing a hand on my shoulder, "Dusknoir says that losing the eons is the key to bringing something big."

"What?"

"I don't know, it could be good, or it could be bad. All I know is this: We have to keep fighting."

"You should just quit," Spiritomb said, trying to influence my mind.

"You've already tried that once," I replied, grabbing a Pokeball, "Just because you're huge and you've stolen my relatives' souls, doesn't mean you're any more influential. Drapion, let's do it!"


A large purple scorpion whose body was split into segments rose out of his metal home. He had a thick tail with a two-pronged stinger on the tip. His hands were also vice-shaped.


"Drapion, use Cross Poison."

"Lucario, Force Palm."

Drapion's claws glowed purple with the toxins in his body. Lucario's right hand glowed with a powerful aura. They were both really close to Spiritomb, which it had planned. Out of nowhere, two fists flew out of the giant black hole, striking our Pokemon with a cheap shot. Sucker Punch was incredibly successful.

The Forbidden Pokemon's mouth began glowing with orange energy. After ten seconds of charge time, Spiritomb fired a massive Hyper Beam that was half its size. The four of us would be caught in the blast, and would surely be killed. In the knick of time, a giant pillar of fire rose from the ground. The pillar eradicated Spiritomb's Hyper Beam!

A hole opened in the thick cloud cover above. A rainbow was freed from the sky and its rays landed in the middle of the battlefield. A giant crimson bird with a white chest and green feathers in its wings descended upon the cemetary.


"H-h-h-Ho-oh!?!" Riley gasped.

"That is right my child," the elegant bird replied, "I could not ignore the countless souls that were being snatched. I just wish I had arrived sooner."

"You could've arrived a week ago, it wouldn't change anything!" Spiritomb howled.

"Riley, prepare the Aura Prison," Ho-oh said, then it turned to me, "I am sorry my son, but know this, your family's loss is what brought me into battle. Through their sacrifice, the world will be free of Spiritomb."

"T-t-thank you!" I cried.

Spiritomb tried to launch an attack, but Ho-oh was too quick for it. The Fire/Flying-type summoned another pillar of flames that engulfed the Forbidden Pokemon, searing it in white hot flames. Riley focused his energy and used it to trap Spiritomb in a sphere of light. The tighter the sphere closed, the more spirits that were exorcised. The sphere would have to wrap around the Odd Keystone to purify it. The Aura Prison grew smaller and smaller until...

Last edited by Gokudera-Kun; 05-29-2009 at 05:17 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-29-2009, 05:20 PM
Gokudera-Kun's Avatar
Gokudera-Kun Offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Duelingnetwork.com
Posts: 4,391
Send a message via AIM to Gokudera-Kun
Default Re: Rest In Peace[NWC Hopeful]


Pokemon: Spiritomb
Target: 30,000
Actual: 31,074
__________________

VPP: Giratina, Level100 @ 4,554
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-30-2009, 06:37 PM
Nitro's Avatar
Nitro Offline
Ultra RPG Official
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: x*3=21, solve & PM answer
Posts: 5,379
Send a message via AIM to Nitro
Default Re: Rest In Peace[NWC - U-B-3-R is the Paul-bearer]

Plot: Well, I have to say I absolutely loved the entire thing. It was smart thinking, all of it. I'd compliment you on all of it, but that'd take too long. I'll highlight the better bits, naturally. :P The whole play on the word "eon" was... pretty amusing, and smart, as well. And then, there was Ho-oh, and the Dusknoir's Memento bit. And basing the entire plot around soul-sucking... It was definitely not unique, but I absolutely loved it. xD Pass for sure. I'd definitely love to see a sequel, but I admit it would be hard to forge one with a plot related to this story while also making it as good. I'd like to see what you come up with, though. ;)

Introduction: This was probably the section that bugged me the most, though it also drew me to read the story. You see, as a Grader, I pick the stories I Grade (unless they're by request, in which case they're automatically enlisted for a Grade) by looking for two things: clean grammar because it turns me off otherwise, and an interesting plot. Now, I don't read the entire thing, I just read the introduction to see if it hooks me in and makes the entire story sound like it has a good plot. Well, your introduction was alright. It was a little too boring for my tastes (blame it on all the action movies I'm forced to watch), but it piqued my interest, so I decided to read your story. As a hook, it worked for me. It might not work for some other readers, a very likely possibility since your introduction was kind of boring. And then, there was the stunning lack of a setting description and character descriptions for most (but not all) of the characters - unacceptable for a Spiritomb story. So, I think I'll decide to Fail you. You can have the satisfaction of having your hook work on me, but not the satisfaction of a Pass, sorry. XP

Length: Pass.

Grammar: A few typos, and one extremely repetitive mistake - I'll keep you guessing till the end as to which one it is. ^_^

Quote:
Dad looked at me and said, 'I think you over-looked something Miguel'.
You need a comma in between 'something' and 'Miguel'. You know because the name of the person Dad is talking to in this scenario could be considered something that isn't essential to the meaning of the sentence, so it should be seperated by a comma. This wasn't the first time you made a mistake like this, mind. There were similar mistakes like this throughout the story.

Quote:
Haven't seen you since we stopped Team Galatic from getting their hands on Professor Rowan's Pokemon.
You misspelled 'Galactic'. You made this error many times throughout the story. Now, this error is kind of like "Artic"/"Arctic", and I'm quite sure you know which one's correct there. If you read over something during a quick proofread and it doesn't look exactly right, just confirm it with www.dictionary.com. It works pretty well for me.

Quote:
"So that's how it is," I commented cockily, "being a ghost, you can't be touched by Fighting or Normal attacks, but the Odd Keystone is fair gain."
I'm not 100% sure, but based on the context, it looks like you meant to put 'game' rather than 'gain'.

[QUOTE]It chuckled a slammed the Odd Keystone into the ground.[QUOTE]

Here, I'm 100% sure that you meant to put 'and' rather than 'a'. ^_^ Like the last one, I think this is a typo. You only had a few of these throughout your story, so don't mind them that much.

Well, for a 30,000 character story, I think you had a fair amount of mistakes. I strongly suggest looking at the first mistake and commiting it to memory, because I found it everywhere. To clarify, the comma is applied whenever a name is in the sentence, because it's something extra and the sentence would work without it (though it's better to have it there for describing purposes). Now, even when the name is replaced by a noun such as boy or girl, like in the following quote, there should still be a comma, provided the scenario is still the same.

Quote:
"Chin up boy," a deep voice called out from behind.
(Taken from your story)

Anyways, I think you have a pretty easy Pass here, just remember to fix that mistake. Once that's gone, you would seem to be off pretty damn well.

Battle: Hah, like your Plot, I LOVED this part. To clarify, I'll only be marking your battle with Spiritomb, but I did like your Gallade-Dusknoir suicide bit and the clever Shadow Sneaking with the Sableyes. Your battle was intense, but it felt a little too short. The entire battle was long, but I want it to be longer because I liked it a lot. Good for you, in a way. As a Grader, I admire your writing ability. As a reader, I'm pissed at you. But, right now I'm a Grader, not a reader. :P With all the Pokemon in there, it was bound to be jam-packed with action. It kind of made up for your boring Introduction, but I can't transfer marks from your battle to your introduction. It was a shame that you only gave Ho-oh a small amount of time to shine, but if you take my reader's advice and write a sequel, then with most of the other Pokemon dead, Ho-oh can really take on the limelight. ^_^ Back to the Grader's comments. The terrain was incorporated, unexpected things happened, the obvious outcome not that likely had it not been for the eon clue, etc. All in all, a near perfect job here - Pass.

Description: As I said in the Introduction section, it was lacking in the introduction. It improved after the introduction, however.

Now, there are bits that bugged me, apart from your lackluster introduction. When trying to describe a large amount of Pokemon (the eons and Mence), you should try to avoid taking too long to describe them. Mostly, I found your descriptions up to par for being a sentence long (a sentence long is good in this case, mind). The only descriptions that screwed up was Leafeon and Glaceon. Absolutely no visual description, and that is needed as a minimum. And after that, you didn't even describe the super element blast thing. Q_Q It did pick up after, when you had Drapion and Ho-oh in the battle, but I can't give you a perfect Pass with so few character descriptions from your introduction coupled with a few missing descriptions around the end. A Borderline Pass sounds about right. :)

Outcome: A quick summary of the entire Grade. An INCREDIBLE Plot and Battle, a pretty bad Introduction, an alright Description, and a relatively clean Grammar section. One section bombed, one section barely surfaced the Pass/Fail border, one was good, but could've been better, and two skyrocketed. Well, it's pretty obvious to me. Spiritomb Captured! Focus on fixing those many errors in your story - it wasn't as perfect as your Plot and Battle made it seem like. :P
__________________

Last edited by Nitro; 05-30-2009 at 06:47 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:21 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com