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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 05-19-2009, 01:08 AM
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Default Attacking the Odds [Complete - Ready for Grading!]

Target Pokemon: Ralts
Length Needed: 10K - 20K
Characters as of now: 13,825 (Without Spaces) /// 16,966 (With Spaces)
Status: Complete

~~~

Intensity grew at the poker table. It was me against Ryo Kaoru, the son of last year’s ‘champion’, Iori Kaoru. Everyone was cheering for me to win because of an incident that happened on that same year Iori won…

~~~~~

One year ago, I was a poker freshman entering in my very first poker tournament. I was on my way to the tournament, wearing what I normally wear when I play with my friends at clubs. All it takes to look nice nowadays is a red fedora with a red feather on it and a red trench coat, and it also complements my red lopsided glasses. Tonight was absolutely fine, I couldn’t ask for better weather. There were clear skies, shining stars, and a luminous moon. Luckily for me, these tournaments allow people to bring their Pokémon with them, so I brought Rina, my one and only Vulpix, as a good luck charm. Her fur was a nice amber colored red, and her tails were nice and combed to boot.

I arrived at the contestant’s entrance, where a guard confronted me and said, “Hold it, name and ID.”

I properly introduced myself to this lovely guard, “My name is Shigu Kawasaki, and this is my Vulpix, Rina. Here’s my ID.”

I handed him my ID card. He nodded and checked the list. He then gave my ID card back and said, “Very well, you may enter. Your number 51293.” He took a large sticker stating my number, and put it on my coat.

I entered the building, and its vista was fantastic. Everywhere I looked, there was a large and expensive poker table. There was a nice bar on each of the wide ends of the room. It was absolutely breathtaking. I went to the first table I saw available and began to play my first game as a poker expert.

A few days later, and the final day of the tournament was upon me. Every single person in that game was knocked out, and it came down to me and the guy sitting across the table from me. He was pretty portly, and was wearing clothes you’d expect a mafia leader to wear. Iori had twice as many chips as I had, and I was at a pretty bad spot myself. Rina was feeling the tension herself as the game progressed. The mystery of who would win the game and the prize money felt like it would never be solved.

The dealer handed our two cards. Iori quickly peeked at his cards and showed a look of dissatisfaction. In poker, sometimes you have to assume the opposite of what their current emotions showed. I took a look at my cards, I had a pair aces, one was a heart, and the other was a spade. I felt pretty good about my hand, so I betted pretty high. Iori wouldn’t give in to that much, so he raised. I then decided to call his raise. The flop came in. The three cards were an ace of diamonds, 3 of clubs, and a jack of diamonds. As soon as I saw that ace, I felt like raising, so I did. Iori called it. The turn…was a 10 of diamonds. I didn’t feel too good after that, but I called anyways because of that one ace’s presence. Iori shiftily smiled and called all in. I was truly shocked after that, but I wanted the game to end, so I mimicked his action and called all in.

The tension was rising at its highest point. It all came down to the river card. Whatever dark secrets were hiding in that next card on the stack, I wanted to know now! Rina was jumping up and down in excitement, and so was the crowd who watched. The river card was a…queen of diamonds.

I was disappointed, but I haven’t lost yet, it was time to reveal the cards. I revealed mine first, the double aces. The audience gasped, and Rina was vibrating with such suspense. The dealer called, ‘three of a kind’! Iori was laughing now, that wasn’t good news to me. He showed his cards…and it stricken me as hard as the explosion of a grenade. They were…an ace of clovers and a king of diamonds. The dealer called, ‘royal flush’! One fourth of the audience fainted. This occurrence is the rarest occurrence in poker history.

The caller then said, “The winner is Iori Kaoru!”

I offered my hand to show sportsmanship, but he declined it, he was too busy satisfying his ego to even care about others.

I walked home pretty sad about what happened, with Rina following me just as sad as I was. The rain started pouring down, and everything was over for the day…

So how exactly did the incident happen you ask? Well, the next day, I was watching the news, and then it happened. While showing the clip of Iori’s victory, they zoomed in on the most eye catching thing I’ve seen all of that year. A whole deck of cards were falling out of his sleeve…he cheated. With everyone in that area noticing this, they removed the trophy and the money out of his hands, and the dealer was about to give it to me, but I already departed the building at that time. I wouldn’t have accepted it anyways. I only believe in winning clean and fair matches. They then showed scenes of Iori having his poker license removed and destroyed, and then getting kicked out of the building…

~~~~~

Anyways, back to the present, it was the final showdown, and both Ryo and I were all in. The flop was a jack of diamonds, a 4 of spades, and a 4 of diamonds. The turn card was a jack of clubs. The cards I currently have at my possession is a jack of clovers and an ace of hearts. Will this be my ever first poker championship victory?

The dealer picked up the card, and was about to put it on the table…

“Hey! Get back here!” a guard shouted.

The game was at a halt, there seemed to be a disturbance. Out of nowhere, a swift body came and stole all the playing cards, including my cards, Ryo’s cards, the showdown cards, and the whole deck itself.

I was enraged, there was no way this could have happened, and to think I was about to find out if I won or lost fair and square.

The dealer sighed and said, “Hey, we need another deck of cards here!”

A response came, “No can do, all the cards that used to be here are all missing!”

The audience gasped, this was an outrage. How could this one person alone steal all the cards in the whole building? Is that even possible?

The dealer then said, “Okay, does anybody have some kind of evidence of what the cards were before they were stolen?”

Three different people responded, “I have a shot of Shigu’s cards!”, “I have a shot of Ryo’s cards!”, “I have a shot of the showdown cards!”

“Good, the game will resume tomorrow, as I know what the final card was,” said the dealer. And everyone left the building.

When I just exited, I heard an angry voice come up, “I have what I needed! I longer need you!” And then I heard a kicking noise and a Ralts landed right in front of me.

That voice…it seemed awfully familiar, but I had no idea who it could possibly be. Anyways, that voice seemed to had a Ralts, and just abandoned it with a hint of physical abuse. The Ralts had fresh bruises on its body, and was lying there, crying like a little child. I couldn’t leave something so defenseless alone. I removed my red fedora and reach my hands very gently towards the Ralts. It twitched a bit when it felt my hand, but later, it sensed kindness and serenity. The Ralts turned its head to face me. The Ralts felt a bit calmer after seeing the benevolent expression on my face. When it finally stopped crying and started to smile, I picked it up and put it on Rina’s back. She didn’t mind, because Ralts aren’t really heavy. We all walked towards home, where a fresh new day will come anew, and the final poker card will be revealed…
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Last edited by TeirusuFX; 05-27-2009 at 09:23 PM.
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  #2  
Old 05-19-2009, 11:16 PM
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Default Re: Attacking the Odds [Complete - Ready for Grading!]

The Ralts has already gotten used to me, Rina, and my house. I seriously thought it’d take longer than that for a stranger to get used to. Anyways, we were hours away from the ultimate showdown, so I decided to have a bit of leisure time with the two. It was a nice and sunny day anyways, what more could you ask for? First of all, I wanted to name this Ralts, but I couldn’t unless if I know its gender, so off to the Pokémon Center I went.

I arrived at the center, and it wasn’t crowded today like every other day it was. I went to go see the person who seemed to know everything about identifying the genders of Pokémon. I knew how she looked already. She was pretty slim and had blue hair, also wears rectangular glasses that made her look professional.

I approached the counter and she saw me and said, “Why hello Shigu! Are you here to drop off Rina again?”

“Not this time, she’s perfectly fine. I was wondering if you can determine the gender of this Ralts…”

She answered pretty quickly, “It’s a male.”

I was amazed yet again, “How’d do you keep on doing that?”

“That’s a family secret, now have a nice day!” And she left to see other customers.

I left the center and was walking aimlessly, thinking of a name for this male Ralts. Too bad for me, I wasn’t paying attention and happened to walk straight towards a tree. The Ralts, however, noticed that I was and teleported the tree out of my way. I just noticed the he did, but, I started to wonder where he teleported it to. Then a few seconds later, it appeared again falling onto the ground, next to where it was standing before. How he was able to teleport something that large, I’d never know.

We got back home, and did random stuff until the night shift…

~~~~~

It was time for the final card to be revealed. I dressed up accordingly and was on my way to the poker championship building with both Rina & the Ralts I still couldn’t name.

When we arrived, a lot of people were already there, awaiting for the last card to be revealed. A few moments later, Ryo arrived, and lastly, the dealer, holding a whole deck of cards in his hand. We were both told to grab the cards we had before they were stolen. Since neither of us knew which cards they were, we used the reference pictures given by the photographers to see what are cards were, mine were a jack of clovers and an ace of hearts. Neither of us would dare to cheat, because the photo evidence was right there, and we didn’t want to end up like Iori. The dealer then placed down the flop cards (jack of diamonds, 4 of spades, and 4 of diamonds) and the turn card (jack of clubs) according to the photo, and then grabbed the card in the deck that he was about to place down before the game was interrupted. I felt a bit tense at this point, because what I’ve long been waiting for is finally about to happen.

The dealer said, “I will now reveal the card.”

Something wasn’t right about him like he was yesterday. His voice was a lot deeper than before, and I just noticed that he was a lot fatter than before. I felt very suspicious. The Ralts was hiding behind Rina in some kind of fear, I started to wonder what that was about.

The dealer revealed the river card…it was a 4 of clovers.

I didn’t feel good about this, I didn’t think a full house was enough to win this game. But anyways, I revealed my cards. The deeper voiced dealer called, ‘three of a kind’! Then Ryo showed his cards…a 4 of hearts and an ace of diamonds. I was struck again, and the dealer called, ‘four of a kind’!

“The winner is Ryo~!” He was interrupted.

“Not so fast! Who do you think you are?” Another dealer appeared from the double doors. This was actually the dealer who picked up the card yesterday.

Everyone was confused, who was the dealer of this game?

But then the fat dealer laughed, in that horrible laugh that sounded too familiar to me. And then I knew…

“Hold it!” I pointed at the fat dealer, “Aren’t you…Iori Kaoru?!”

The fat dealer was no longer laughing, “Very good Shigu, I’m amazed you were able to figure it out!”

“But why sabotage the game?” I asked in such an annoying manner.

“It’s simple, really. After I was kicked out of this place, I wanted no one else to win the money! So I found a Ralts, and used it to teleport all the card decks it could find, to someplace where I only knew. However, it failed to teleport the deck you were using in your game because it was ‘too tired’. So I had my Scyther get in there and steal them for me. After I had all the decks in my possession, I disposed of the Ralts and went home to formulate the second phase of my plan! I disguised myself as the dealer with one of the stolen official deck of cards, and delayed the arrival of the official dealer by using one of my minions!”

I didn’t even pay attention to half of that, “Well, don’t think I won’t take legal action against you for sabotage and impersonation!”

“Not a chance!” He released his Scyther and it immediately went to work. It threw the dealer out of the room, and sealed all the doors. This only left me, him, his son, Rina, and the Ralts, which the Scyther didn’t notice, in the room.

“You and your Vulpix are going down! Scyther, slash them to bits!

The Scyther flew at mach speed towards Rina, but I said to her, “Rina, burn that Scyther to a crisp before it thinks about it!”

Rina shot a blazing Flamethrower at it, but the Scyther dodged it and slashed Rina very hard. Rina was knocked into the wall, and when she got back up, a part of her body had a visible cut. However, the Flamethrower she shot earlier hit the mini bar at the other end of the room, causing the flammable alcohol to burst into flames. The Scyther felt the heat, but it wasn’t affected as bad.

Iori gave Scyther its next command, “Scyther! Use Night Slash on that Vulpix!”

The Scyther’s arm glowed light blue and it flew at its high speed towards Rina.

I then gave Rina her next order, “Rina, use Payback!”

The Scyther first hit Rina on the back with its Night Slash, Rina was wailing in pain. But she leapt into the air, and used that damaged she just got earlier and hit the Scyther right on its back. The Scyther wasn’t in pain like when she got it however.

“Next up, Fury Cutter! Get ready for your demise!”

The Scyther slashed Rina with its scythe. It didn’t deal too much damage, but it put another cut on Rina body.

“Okay Rina, Fire Spin!”

Rina breathed out a flame and aimed it below the Scyther. The flame than rose up like a twister and burned the Scyther’s wings. Because of that, the Scyther was no longer able to fly.

“You’ll pay for that, use X-Scissors, Scyther!” He yelled at it.

The Scyther’s arms glowed again and crossed its scythes. It approached Rina and slashed them, but Rina jumped out of the way on time.

“Let’s use Extrasensory, Rina!”

Rina’s mind focused on the Scyther, and she burst invisible power at it. The Scyther flew back far, but not far enough to touch the flaming alcohol.

“Use Double Hit!”

Scyther approached Rina, and slashed her with both scythes at once. Rina couldn’t take anymore, and collapsed to the ground.

Iori was laughing louder than ever, “That’s what you get for crossing me!”

But then I started laughing, “It’s not over yet. Come over here Ralts!”

The Ralts was too afraid to come out on the open because of Iori’s presence, but after seeing my non-maniacal expression, the Ralts came forward.

“Hah, do you think you can beat me with that weak sauce? Use Fury Cutter, Scyther!”

The Scyther ran towards it, but I had a move in mind.

“Ralts, use Teleport!”

Ralts started teleporting away from the Scyther. The Scyther kept on following it, but Ralts kept on teleporting. As soon as the Scyther was tired out, the Ralts had something in mind. He teleported the Scyther right inside the mouth of the flaming alcohol.

The sight wasn’t pretty at all, the Scyther’s skin was crisping to a brown. Iori returned the Scyther in it’s Pokéball before it got any worse.

Iori was angered, “You got lucky! I’ll be seeing you again for revenge! Come Ryo, let’s go home.”

Ryo did not object his father, and left the scene without saying a word, in fact, he hasn’t said anything since it began.

I put out the fire with an extinguisher and forced all the doors open. Everyone was already gone, and the game was never finished after all. I carried Rina in my arms, and the Ralts slowly followed me. I something a little eye catching on a bar counter. It was a face down card, and there was a note next to it. It read, “I’m sorry we couldn’t finish the game, the game was cancelled because of this disturbance. But just for laughs, I left you the river card for only you to see.” –From, Kuro Hakun. And at the bottom right-hand corner, there was a Luxio stamp on it.

I assumed this ‘Kuro Hakun’ was the original game dealer. So I took a look at the card, and shocked I was, it was a jack of hearts. I would’ve won the championship if it weren’t for that disturbance. It didn’t really matter to me anymore however, I just wanted to go home. And all three of us departed.

~~~~~

The next day, I started off by watching the news. The showed a report on Iori Kaoru being sent to jail for committing felonies. Afterwards, they showed a short bit on that Kuro Hakun guy, asking him what that final card was.

He replied, “I’m very sorry, but that secret is mine alone.”

He was very sly to not mention that he showed me the card. But it didn’t matter, because my poker career is behind me. I think another job will suit me.

Ralts came up to me and teleported a Pokéball on my lap. His facial expression read that it wanted to stay with me forevermore. I can’t say no to a face like that. I threw the Pokéball at it and his silhouette was absorbed into the Pokéball.

The Pokéball shook once, twice…

~~~

Ready for grading!

Notes:
» My knowledge of poker is very limited, please don't count that against me.
» In this story, the move Teleport can also teleport other objects to designated areas
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Last edited by TeirusuFX; 05-27-2009 at 09:24 PM.
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  #3  
Old 05-27-2009, 11:16 PM
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Default Re: Attacking the Odds [Complete - Ready for Grading!]

<3 Mine.

I'll get to it right after I do NN's, which will be after I go eat. Will be done by the time I go to bed, don't worry!

Edit: I feel awful for claiming so many then not getting to them when I said I would. I'll be doing this tomorrow morning. This will be my first priority, promise. I'm really sorry, Teirusu. x.x
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Last edited by Nikki the Mew; 05-28-2009 at 04:02 AM.
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  #4  
Old 05-27-2009, 11:22 PM
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Default Re: Attacking the Odds [Complete - Ready for Grading!]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nikki the Mew View Post
<3 Mine.

I'll get to it right after I do NN's, which will be after I go eat. Will be done by the time I go to bed, don't worry!
Arigato Nikki-san

I can get started with my story for that competiton afterwards



Mairusu
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Old 05-28-2009, 04:55 PM
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Default Re: Attacking the Odds [Complete - Ready for Grading!]

Huzzah, done. =D

~"Attacking the Odds" Grade~

Introduction & Plot: Good introduction. I liked the part about Iori and Shigu, it was a nice way to make the rivalry between them clear.

The plot was inventive. Pokemon and poker, on paper, don't seem like such a good thing to mix, but you did it well. Although, initially it seemed that the Ralts came out of nowhere. But, you explained it later, which is what matters.

Detail: Detail was so-so. Some things were described, but a lot wasn't. When you're writing in first person, you don't have to describe how the character looks, but it was a little hard to "see" the tournament area and the Pokemon. You described Vulpix a little, and Iori when he was pretending to be the dealer, but not much else. If I didn't know what a Ralts and a Vulpix looked like, I wouldn't have been able to imagine either at all. It was also a bit hard to imagine the battle. For example...

Quote:
Rina shot a blazing Flamethrower at it, but the Scyther dodged it and slashed Rina very hard. Rina was knocked into the wall, and when she got back up, a part of her body had a visible cut.
I would like to know what a Flamethrower looks like. Also, what part has a cut? Her head, her leg, her side?

Work on the detail a little more, for both the surroundings, characters, and some attacks involved. If need be, have someone who doesn't know anything about Pokemon read your story and tell you what they saw. Details are there to help us see while we read what you saw while you wrote.

Grammar/Spelling & Dialogue: All of this was pretty good. I tried looking for mistakes, but I could only find a couple.

Quote:
I properly introduced myself to this lovely guard, “My name is Shigu Kawasaki, and this is my Vulpix, Rina. Here’s my ID.”

I handed him my ID card. He nodded and checked the list. He then gave my ID card back and said, “Very well, you may enter. Your number 51293.” He took a large sticker stating my number, and put it on my coat.

Note: This is a little awkward. You're calling a male guard lovely... it's just a little weird, that's all. Think it over some more after you type it and think if this will be awkward to the reader. If you can fix things like those, then you should be fine.
Another thing I noticed is that sometimes you left off the double quotes ("). I think this only happened once, but it's something to be aware of.

Quote:
“You and your Vulpix are going down! Scyther, slash them to bits!
One last thing. When you do ellipses (...), make sure you have a space after. Like this... see? XD

Battle & Reality: The battle was pretty good. I liked how it was initially Vulpix vs. Scyther, then Vulpix got KO'd and Ralts came in. The first part of the battle was well-balanced, because Vulpix kept fighting back well after Scyther had hurt her. However, after Ralts came in it was a little unrealistic.

I would've liked to see it be less one-sided, so Scyther would get in some hits. I understand that Ralts can Teleport around, but then it's like RPing and going "Haha I can dodge all your moves" or something. It would've also been interesting to see Ralts use something else. He's not an Abra, after all. ^^

Length: No complaints. =D In the range, so it's all good.

Overall: I think the main thing is detail and proofreading. Always double-check your work. If you're too caught up in the story and don't realize the mistakes, then try waiting a couple of days, then proofreading it, then you can post it. It'll help in the long run, as will working on your detail. ^^

Ralts Captured.
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