Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 05-30-2009, 06:45 AM
ragnarok0422's Avatar
ragnarok0422 Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Why should YOU care? =/
Posts: 2,595
Send a message via AIM to ragnarok0422 Send a message via Yahoo to ragnarok0422
Default Malfunctions Part 1: Shivery Seas [Chapter 1 Status: Uhh... :)]

I would like to tell the readers/graders that all the stories I'm writing are sequels of my previous story... hence, this chapter is the sequel of this story:

"The Mysterious Oasis"

Assume that Sableye and Rhyhorn is already caught in the above story, okay? Cause they are involved in this story you are going to read...

- Chapter 1: Castform -

Ragna stands in the middle of the desert, looking at the sunset with Rhyhorn on his side; Rhyhorn is a grayish pokemon with spike plates standing out of its body, with a horn on its head and three paws from its feet, and Sableye’s pokeball on his hand that stop wiggling. Sableye is Ragna’s pokemon that he tries to battle when he is luring the Cacnea gang to the oasis when this tricky pokemon showed up; it is a purple-colored pokemon with thin and long arms and feet with jewel-like eyes on its face. Ragna is a regular trainer that is looking for rare pokemon that might benefit his future of strong pokemon. He wears a black coat with a bright red shirt underneath the coat; he is also wearing regular pants, and a gold-like hair with a touch of red. Ragna approaches Ryza and bids her goodbye. Ryza is the girl in the town whom Ragna befriended easily and the one that makes plans for their mission to begin. She is wearing a bright pink t-shirt with a long blue skirt falling down from her body; she is also wearing a big hat that is used for your head to be protected against the sun, her blonde hair falling down from her head.

“Well… this is the part where we go on our separate ways, Ryza.” Ragna says as he throws the red and white pokeball that stop wiggling earlier this morning in the air releasing a bright white light. It reveals a strange purple pokemon that has its eyes look like precious diamond, sparkling as the sun hits it while it sets down, and its long slender arms and feet falling from its body, it is a Sableye that Ragna releases. A gray pokemon with spiky plates standing out of its body, big feet with two or three paws on it and a large horn on its head, its eyes glowing with a dark red color; Rhyhorn approaches Ragna. He pats Rhyhorn’s head, grabbing a blank white and red pokeball from his bag, putting Rhyhorn in it.

“Yeah… I wish you the best of luck on your journies, Ragna!” Ryza comments as she runs towards Ragna and gives him a nice, tight hug. Her grandmother approaches Ragna as Ryza releases her grip from Ragna, her grandmother hugs Ragna as well as a sign of farewell to Ragna.

“Don’t forget to eat the food that we gave you or else it will be spoiled.” Ryza’s grandmother comments as she releases her grip from Ragna as well. Sableye eventually starts running in circles in the town. Some other pokemon that the trainers released follows him and starts to play with him as well. Some Charmander and other fire pokemon exhales some fiery wind which eventually hits Sableye’s jewel-like eyes, making it sparkle as bright as ever.

“I won’t forget the food you and Ryza packed for me, don’t worry!” Ragna giggles as he leans towards Sableye. “Okay buddy… it’s time to go and start your journies with me instead of those vicious Cacnea gang!” Ragna adds as he grabs Sableye’s red and white pokeball. A red light comes out of the pokeball, going towards Sableye and eventually puts it inside the red and white pokeball.

“Promise me one thing Ragna…” Ryza says, as she looks down out of sadness.

“S-sure… what is it?” Ragna answers as Ryza looks at Ragna once more, her eyes starting to become wet because of tears which will eventually start to fall down.

“Please be safe on your journies Ragna… I will never forget the things you did in this town!” Ryza replies back as she hugs Ragna once more, only this time; it is much tighter than her hug a bit earlier. Ryza releases Ragna as a red and white pokeball from his hand starts to open by itself, releasing Rhyhorn from the pokeball. Ryza approaches Rhyhorn and gives him a hug as well. “You too Rhyhorn, make sure you’re safe in your journies along with Ragna… inform me if you’ll evolve! I’ll wait for the day that you’ll be a Rhyperior yourself, fighting against gym leaders, entering leagues and what not…” Ryza adds as Ryza’s grandmother approaches her and steps back with Ryza. Ragna retrieves Rhyhorn back to his pokeball.

“I will…” Ragna answers back as he starts to turn his back on the town and starts to walking continue the route to continue his search for rare pokemon. He glances back at Ryza and the town once more, looking so small from the distance. “Well… I should get going now… it was nice knowing you all!!” Ragna shouts as he waves his hand in the air as the others from the town, Ryza, her grandmother, Nurse Joy, the other trainers and their pokemon, waving all of their hands as they bid Ragna farewell. He continues to walk towards the desert.

The scorching hot desert, filled with sands, some Cacnea and Cacturne wandering around the desert, the sun still setting down. Ragna continues his journies towards the unknown for his search to find some rare pokemon so that sooner or later he can add it to his team, training them very well so that it could be a very valuable pokemon not only because they’re rare but also because of its strength and capabilities as a pokemon itself. The sun is nowhere to be seen anymore, and Ragna continues his journey towards the desert. He eventually stops because it is too dark to see anything at the moment so Ragna grabs some things from his bag, grabbing some materials he would basically need to build a tent and sleep in the middle of the desert for the rest of the evening.

“Oh well… I should set this up as soon as possible… Come on out my best friends!” Ragna sighs as he starts to throw six red and white pokeballs in the air as it all opens and release a bright white light, each of them revealing different kinds of pokemon. Two of those red and white pokeballs release Sableye and Rhyhorn, which are the pokemon that Ragna manages to catch earlier this morning. Another pokeball reveals a small, green, cactus-like pokemon with spikes standing out from its hands with a yellow crown-like thing standing out from its head; it is a Cacnea that one of those six pokeballs reveals. Another pokeball releases a yellow pokemon that clearly looks like a mastermind, having two spoons from its hands, a long beard falling down from its face, having big eyes with a purple color glowing on it; it is one of Ragna’s best friends, Alakazam. Another pokeball releases a white bird-like pokemon that its wings having the same size as its body. It has three hair-like things standing out of its head with two of them having a blue and red color on its tip, also having some red and blue triangles from its body, this is another of Ragna’s best friends that he releases, Togekiss. And last but not the least, the last pokeball reveals a purple cat-like pokemon that its tip of her tail splitting into two sides, her head having a bright red jewel, sparkling very brightly, it is Ragna’s cutest pokemon, Espeon that he releases.

“Hello everyone… this might be shocking but… we’re going to sleep here in the middle of the desert…” Ragna sighs again as he looks to his pokemon, all of them are doing different things that makes them not pay attention to Ragna; Sableye and Rhyhorn are staring with one another like they are playing a game of whoever blinks first loses. Espeon starts to run in circles, chasing the tips of its tail which keeps wiggling as it runs in circles. Alakazam is floating in mid-air, meditating its two spoons as he starts to send them flying and when it returns back to Alakazam, it is as good as new once more. Togekiss and Cacnea are on the other side of the tent, looking at each other weirdly like what Sableye and Rhyhorn are doing to each other, which, of course, annoys Ragna.

“Oh well… Hey guys… I will be sleeping now, okay?” Ragna sighs as he looks at his pokemon, still ignoring him so he rushes towards the tent and prepares his things so that he can get a good night sleep. The pokemon, on the other hand, keeps playing stuff in the night; Sableye and Rhyhorn are now chasing each other when eventually Togekiss and Cacnea joins the two. Espeon stops chasing its tail as she approaches Alakazam and starts to meditate together. They are playing all throughout the night when suddenly, this small white pokemon, it looks like a white sphere floating in the sky if you look at it closely. It has two smaller white spheres below the bigger one which appears to be its hands, sparkling blue eyes as it wanders towards the desert. All six pokemon of Ragna stops what they are doing as they look at the weird white sphere pokemon weirdly and after is passes by. They eventually run towards the tent and start to sleep as well.

They continue to sleep inside the tent as all six of Ragna’s pokemon wonders what kind of pokemon would that be; suddenly appearing to them and wander the desert in the middle of the night. Scary and annoying as it can be; all of them continue to sleep in Ragna’s tent as the night continues to pass by. The grainy sands of the desert starts to become as hot as usual, the atmosphere becomes so hot once more as if someone is using a Heat Wave attack, of course, this wakens Ragna and the rest of the pokemon up. Ragna comes outside the tent to see what is currently happening in the desert when he sees the sun blazing so bright once more. It is morning time and he needs to continue his journey and find another town quickly before he gets burned under the sun once more.

“Ahhh… it’s so hot, we need to continue walking guys… fast!” Ragna comments as he fixes up the tent he sets up last night and eventually puts it back to its bag. He grabs some red and white pokeballs in his bag, all six of them, and retrieves each of his pokemon back to their respective pokeballs. Eventually, after retrieving Espeon to her pokeball she immediately comes back out afterwards. She approaches Ragna and jumps onto him as he sighs.

“Oh alright… you can come out from your pokeball for once… come on, Espeon. Let’s continue our journey!” Ragna adds as he starts to put all six pokeball, five of them containing the rest of his pokeball and the other pokeball being empty for it is Espeon’s pokeball. They continue to walk along the blazing paths of the desert when eventually Ragna spots some grassy fields up there in the distance. Lots of non-coconut trees standing on the grassy fields as tall as ever, tall grasses standing out from the ground as well and a green sign with two arrows on it pointing in opposite directions. Ragna runs towards the sign. Espeon quickly follows Ragna towards the sign.

“It says here that the route with the desert is Route 228, and this grassy route is Route 229… Off we go, Espeon!” Ragna comments as he continues walking with Espeon towards those tall grassy patches standing off the ground. In a distance, Ragna can see some people talking to each other, some tall, brown-painted houses standing there as well and as he looks in his side, he can see a large pier; some sailors chatting with each other and some ferries on the water as well. This must be a nice town to live in since people are happy and are talking with each other. Eventually, a small white sphere with two smaller white spheres, which appears to be its hands, floating above the air with a smile on its face as it approaches the town. Ragna consults his pokedex what kind this pokemon is.

“Castform, the Weather Pokemon. This pokemon is said to change its appearances as the weather changes.” the pokedex said as Ragna closes the pokedex and puts it back in its bag when eventually, Espeon starts to growl at the Castform because it must be the same pokemon that they see last night when they were playing during the night in the desert. Ragna looks at Espeon weirdly and continues to go towards the Pokemon Center. The Pokemon Center here in Route 229 isn’t your regular Pokemon Center because it looks like it is a very large mansion turned into a Pokemon Center. On the counter desk you can see countless escalators taking you to different floors, some leading to the cafeteria, some leading to the emergency rooms and many more floors that each trainer basically needs. Nurse Joy, wearing the usual clothes; light pink dress with a nurse’s cap on her head with a light pink plus sign on it with her hair curled up as usual, approaches Ragna and gives him a smile.

“Hello… welcome to Route 229’s Pokemon Center. How may I help you?” Nurse Joy asks Ragna as he still observes on how big the Pokemon Center is. She sighs silently because most people that enters the Pokemon Center ignores Nurse Joy because they become amazed on how big the Pokemon Center is. Ragna looks at Nurse Joy and replies with a silent smile. A few minutes later, the same Castform that Ragna encounters earlier goes inside the Pokemon Center and sits on Nurse Joy’s shoulders.

“Hey, that’s the Castform earlier, right Espeon?” Ragna asks as Espeon replies with a silent nod as she jumps towards Ragna. He catches Espeon, sitting on Ragna’s arms with her two tails wiggling cutely.

“You know this Castform?” Nurse Joy asks,

“Well yeah… we encountered it a bit earlier. It seems that the Castform is always happy, huh? Seeing as it must have been raised by a good trainer…” Ragna comments as Nurse Joy replies with a silent sigh once more.

“This Castform isn’t raised by any trainer… this one is a wild Castform… though it may seem as happy as usual, when the weather changes all of the sudden, this is the type of Castform who rampages with the sudden weather changes because it doesn’t like its appearance changing most of the time.” Nurse Joy answers when suddenly, the light of the Pokemon Center goes out, as well as other electronic devices in the Pokemon Center when suddenly it opens again all of a sudden. Eventually the escalators starts to run as fast as ever, tripping one trainer at a time then a spark of blue electricity comes out in one of the escalators and goes towards the lights as it starts flickering on and off when few of the light bulbs starts to break. The spark of blue electricity comes out of the lights again and starts to laugh maliciously as it goes towards one of the refrigerators. The refrigerator turns into a red color with a pinch of orange as a blue aura starts to glow around it, two electric bolts shoot from its sides. It opens one of the box-like things in the refrigerator and releases a very cold snow attack, the cold gusts of wind blows harshly that is makes most of the trainers go outside while some of the appliances there starts to become frozen solid.

“A-agh! W-what is this monster!?” Nurse Joy yells as Ragna picks up his pokedex from his bag to consult it on what kind of pokemon can infiltrate electronic devices and goes haywire all of a sudden. The pokedex views a small red sphere with its eyes glowing with a blue color with a spiky tip on top of its head and two electric bolts shooting out from its sides.

“Rotom, the Plasma Pokemon. It is said that its electricity-like body can enter all sorts of electronic devices, using them to cause mischief.” the pokedex says, as Ragna closes the pokedex and puts it back in its bag. The red refrigerator shoots out a blue spark of electricity once more. The color of the refrigerator turns back to its regular color when suddenly it creates a small explosion, breaking the refrigerator into pieces.

“A Rotom huh… hey kid, can you do me a favor?” Nurse Joy asks Ragna as she rushes towards the broken refrigerator and hoping that she can fix it back into a regular refrigerator.

“S-sure… the name is Ragna, by the way.” Ragna answers as he approaches the broken refrigerator as well. It looks like the refrigerator is burned into pieces, making it very impossible to fix. Nurse Joy stands from checking up on the refrigerator.

“I want you to catch that Rotom for me, and make sure it doesn’t make any more mischief when you catch it!” Nurse Joy commands Ragna as she rushes towards a map, along with Ragna. “This is the town where you are currently standing right now. Route 229’s town…” Nurse Joy adds as she picks up a stick and points it towards the map as it creates a whipping sound, she points the stick towards the sea that is beside the town and ends it in a small island in the middle of the sea. “People from this town say that the Rotom can be found here but no ferries here can take you there so you may want to find your own way to go towards that island and catch that Rotom!” Nurse Joy ends his commands when suddenly, a television near from the map starts to buzz and gives a view of a person wearing some white clothes that make him look like a scientist.

“To all Nurse Joy who are viewing this video right now… this is a professor from the Hoenn’s Weather Institute calling… and we would like to warn all of the towns all over the pokemon world that we will be conducting some weather experiments about our Castform here so that we can study the Castform’s appearances and what it can do, using our weather-controlling devices and weather-making pokemon, please be aware of the sudden weather changes that will occur any minute now.” the scientist says as the television buzzes again and removes the video of the scientist as Nurse Joy becomes surprised because she knows that the Castform that is sitting in her shoulder will start to rampage again upon the arrival of the sudden weather changes when suddenly, the Castform that is still sitting on her shoulder starts to float towards outside of the Pokemon Center, making her more worried.

“Ragna, right?” Nurse Joy says quickly as she looks at Ragna with a determined look.

“Y-yes… why?” Ragna answers.

“Remember what I’ve said earlier? On how this Castform here doesn’t like sudden weather changes? Well once the sudden weather changes starts, this Castform here will start to rampage! I’m sure of it!.” Nurse Joy replies as Ragna replied with a silent and determined nod. Espeon starts to go down from Ragna’s grip, looking all prepared for a battle.

“All right, Espeon… I’ll use you in stopping the Castform’s rampages!’ Ragna commands as Espeon goes ahead of Ragna in going outside of the Pokemon Center when Ragna eventually follows Espeon. As they approach the town, outside of the Pokemon Center, they see the sun blazing harsher than it blazes during their times in the desert. Ragna approaches on Castform as he sees a red sphere floating from the sky, with a smaller gray sphere inside the red sphere which looks like the Castform that changes forms, smaller red spheres standing out from the bigger red sphere taking the look of a sun. Castform eventually approaches each trainer and starts to use an Ember attack, small flames shoot out from its mouth, burning people bit by bit.

“Rgh… the weather changes must be starting already… Espeon use Confusion on the Castform!” Ragna commands as Espeon’s eyes start to glow with a purple color as it stops Castform from using Ember to burn people when suddenly Castform struggles to be free when it launches a large Ember attack, breaking Espeon’s psychic graps against Castform, setting it free as it approaches Ragna and Espeon, releasing an Ember attack towards them.
__________________

|| VPP Stats || URPG Stats || ASB Stats || Pokedex Project Stats || URPG Ranger Log ||
~ Credit to myself for making the Finnel avvie & banner! ~

Last edited by ragnarok0422; 06-24-2009 at 10:20 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-30-2009, 07:12 AM
ragnarok0422's Avatar
ragnarok0422 Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Why should YOU care? =/
Posts: 2,595
Send a message via AIM to ragnarok0422 Send a message via Yahoo to ragnarok0422
Default Re: Malfunctions Part 1: Shivery Seas [Chapter 1 Status: Still under construction]

“Ack… this is some Castform we are dealing with, huh Espeon?” Ragna comments as Espeon growls back at Castform when it floats away from Ragna and Espeon and keeps on burning people. The flame it exhales is stronger than usual because of the harsh sun that is blazing atm that makes any fire attacks stronger with more flames on it. Ragna runs towards each house there is and starts to warn them about the rampaging Castform or maybe the mischievous Rotom that might attack them any second now.

Eventually, the harsh sun starts to fade away. Castform flies towards in a nearby tree when it starts to calm down. Ragna and Espeon finally sighs that the harsh sun is finally over. Meanwhile in the Weather Institute, the professor prepares a group, more like a community of large tree-like pokemon that is colored white which makes it look like a Christmas tree, with its arms having green tips on its end and its body with a brown color on the bottom, it is a group of Abomasnow that the Institute is preparing to step on the platform. Eventually, the group of Abomasnow exhales a very strong gust of blizzard together. With those many of Abomasnow suddenly using its ability “Snow Warning” together, it is sure that their power altogether can create a strong hailstorm that can make the whole world experience the hailstorm.

Meanwhile back in Route 229, the harsh sun ends when suddenly, the clouds starts to turn very dark when all of a sudden, large white chunks of ice starts to fall down from the sky, hurting anyone that is standing on a path without any protection or roofs to protect them towards the chunks of ice to begin with when suddenly, Castform becomes angrier once more as it starts to change form again, the base of its body looks like some white fluffy clouds and the tip of its head having a spiral cloud like thing standing out that can serve as protection to Castform from the falling hail.

“Urghh… this is making Castform even angrier… I wonder what moves it can use under its sleeves… Espeon you need to stay out for a while, I’ll use a different pokemon that can face the wrath of this icy pokemon.” Ragna comments as he starts to throw a red and white pokeball in the sky as it releases a bright white light, revealing Ragna’s Alakazam.

“Alakazam, I need your help in calming this Castform down… since you’re more trained than Espeon, use Confusion!” Ragna commands as Alakazam starts to lift his spoon in the air making it glow with a bluish aura as it makes Castform glow in a bluish aura as well. Trying to free from Alakazam’s psychic grasps, Castform tries to exhale a gust of powdery snow towards Alakazam as the snow sparkles brightly as it starts to circle around Alakazam, disturbing it from controlling Castform in calming it down.

“Rgh… this isn’t good… we need backup!” Ragna yells as some people come out of their houses with umbrellas on their hands so that it can protect them in the hail, some other trainers releases some gaseous purple pokemon with its hands detached from its actual body making it able to scare the fun out of them for they are releasing some Haunter to help them stop the Castform and maybe they can scare Castform so that it can stop him from attacking them. Some other trainers releases a much more fearsome and scary pokemon than Haunter, its evolution, Gengar. They rush towards Castform and tries to block its way as the Haunter approaches Castform, looking at him with a terrified and scary look, using its Mean Look move, it can hopefully immobilize Castform from moving when it screams and eventually exhales another Powder Snow attack as it circles upon the Haunter, sparkling along with the hail that is falling from the sky and it sends the Haunter flying back to their respective trainers. The trainer’s Haunter gets back up and eventually stores some kind of black ball in their arms as they all aim towards Castform. They release those black balls when Castform releases another Powder Snow which holds the black balls there for a moment when suddenly they start to create a snowy explosion. The chunks of ice falling from the explosion eventually shatters into pieces as the snow from the ground starts to create a large mist that covers anyone there making anyone can’t see with each other.

“Hey… look guys… it looks like they are helping us!” Ragna shouts as Alakazam and Espeon jumps for joy as they prepare to stop Castform as well. Meanwhile, some other trainers which are using Gengar, uses the same move that the Haunter uses against Castform, Mean Look. Castform closes its eyes so that it cannot see the Gengar from making the scary look that can immobilize Castform when suddenly it releases a large and shiny ball when the hail turns it into a frozen solid ball, aiming towards the Gengar when eventually sends them flying back for Castform uses the Weather Ball attack, which responds to the current weather, hail. A trainer’s Gengar eventually comes back up when its body starts to glow in a black aura when suddenly it releases lots of small black spheres, all going in their own way when some of those black spheres hit Castform. Though it is damaged with the black balls and the smaller spheres the Haunter and Gengar does, the Castform immediately gets back up from the snowy ground as if nothing ever happened to it. Hail continues to fall as the Gengar goes back to its trainer.

Ragna approaches the trainers which uses some Haunter and Gengar that fail in stopping the Castform and helps them in standing up when Castform floats towards the seas and releases another Weather Ball attack, the white and shiny ball responds to the current weather which turns it into another icy ball and aims it towards the sea. Making a large impact towards the seas, some water pokemon like Barboach, Magikarp and some Chinchou rises from the water and swims away from the Castform when suddenly it uses another Powder Snow attack, the icy winds starts to make contact with the water when suddenly it freezes a part of the water.

Meanwhile, back in the Weather Institute, the group of Abomasnow eventually stops exhaling strong gusts of snow with hard solid ice that turns the weather into hail as it returns back inside the large tall building when they start to prepare another group of pokemon to set up the next weather. In Route 229, the hail finally stops as the trainers, along with Ragna, sighs heavily again and wonders what kind of harsh weather will come up next. Back in the Weather Institute, the scientists gives a signal to the other scientists to let the group of Ludicolo in. This large pokemon with a green cap on its head that looks like a sombrero, some yellow zigzag pattern on its body enters the experimenting site as they command the group of Ludicolo to use a Rain Dance move when all of them starts to dance in a weird way when the clouds starts to become even darker when eventually it turns the weather into a massive thunderstorm.

“Bah… a t-t-thunderstorm!!” Ragna yells as Castform changes forms once more, from the cloudy form turns the Castform into a blue form with its body being a blue-colored raindrop-like structure that makes is blend with the rain. It approaches all of the trainers as it releases a strong water blast attack, aiming towards the trainers as it sends some of the pokemon, including Espeon and Alakazam flying back towards the Pokemon Center for it is using a Water Gun attack.

“I’ll handle this trainers… I’ll battle this Castform and end this situation once and for all!” Ragna comments as Nurse Joy watches Ragna from the door of the Pokemon Center as she takes care of the pokemon that is send flying towards there, including Espeon and Alakazam. Ragna throws yet another red and white pokeball in the air as it releases a bright white light as it reveals a Togekiss. The Castform automatically charges towards the Togekiss with full power, using its Tackle attack, which catches Togekiss off-guard and slams it towards one of the buildings, leaving a mark or a crack on the walls.

“Hey, that was uncalled for!” Ragna yells as Togekiss eventually struggles in the wet and muddy path to come back up when it soars back up in the air as Ragna grins happily towards the Togekiss and then points his fingers towards the Castform with its form being the teardrop-like one that makes it blend with the rain. “Togekiss, use Nasty Plot!” Ragna commands as Togekiss rushes towards Castform and eventually stares at it weirdly that Togekiss looks like a scientist plotting something evil as it stares towards Castform’s blue eyes. Eventually, Castform launches another strong Water Gun attack, which makes it a direct hit since Togekiss is right in front of him. This sends Togekiss towards one of the trees, slamming on it as it breaks the tree, falling down from where it is standing.

“Togekiss, get back up!” Ragna yells as Togekiss struggles to get back up as usual. While Togekiss is struggling to get back up, Castform prepares a large white ball in its mouth makes it as big as ever while Togekiss is still standing up. Eventually, Togekiss soars back up from the ground once more as Ragna sighs with relief.

“Good, now before it can use Weather Ball, use Thunder Wave, Togekiss!” Ragna commanded, as Togekiss starts to glow with a yellow color as it releases a ball of electricity, aiming towards Castform when he starts to release it when Castform releases the Weather Ball as well. The thunderstorm releasing gusts of wind, strong rains and thunder crashing down from the sky, it turns the Weather Ball into a large blob of water going towards Togekiss when it interacts with the Thunder Wave and eventually creates a cloud of black dust that the interaction between the Weather Ball and the Thunder Wave creates a small explosion. The thunderstorm continues to crash thunders and rain falling from the sky. Ragna waits for the smoke to clear so that he can command Togekiss, giving it the upper hand to attack.

“Togekiss, quickly, use Aura Sphere!” Ragna quickly commands Togekiss as it stores a large orange aura in its mouth as Castform still waits for the black cloud to disappear and make its move. Togekiss starts to make the large aura bigger and bigger when the black cloud finally disappears when eventually Togekiss sees a large water blob coming towards him. Surprising Togekiss, he releases the Aura Sphere again as it collides with the Weather Ball when it finally creates yet another black cloud from a small explosion when out of nowhere, Castform starts charging towards Togekiss using a Tackle attack, catching it off-guard again.

“Togekiss, use Extremeseed!” Ragna commands Togekiss as Castform is getting closer and closer to Togekiss when Togekiss stretches his wings out in the open air and eventually charges towards Castform as well. Both of the two pokemon charges for each other as Ragna prays that Togekiss can make it safely and hopefully deal some damage to Togekiss.

Meanwhile back at the entrance of the Pokemon Center, Nurse Joy comes out from the door with some potions handy to heal the pokemon that is send flying towards the Center. When Espeon and Alakazam sits on the ground as they look at Ragna which is currently facing Castform and having a bit of trouble that he needs some help and advices that can help him defeat the Castform. After a few minutes of healing the pokemon with potions, Nurse Joy is finally done healing the pokemon when she approaches Ragna with cautiousness, along with his Espeon and Alakazam to help him stop the Castform from playing tricks on him.

The thunder crashes loudly from the sky that at this simple moment, no one can hear someone talking for a few seconds if some thunder crashes again. Nurse Joy continues to run towards Ragna along with Espeon and Alakazam. They see the two pokemon charging for each other. The two pokemon finally makes contact with each other as they continue to float from the sky. Eventually, Castform falls from the sky and drops towards the ground as Togekiss breathes heavily when suddenly; Castform immediately soars back from the ground as it starts to release a large Thunder attack towards Togekiss.

“Ragna, be careful… there are many more moves that Castform can use other than the ones that meets the eye!” Nurse Joy warns Ragna even though it’s a bit too late as the Thunder reaches the black sky and creates some loud crashing thunder sounds from afar when suddenly, the Thunder attack that Castform releases starts to fall down from the sky when it catches Togekiss, yet, off-guard once more.

“Togekiss, hurry… use Hidden Power!” Ragna quickly commands Togekiss as the Thunder still crashing down towards the sky aiming at Togekiss when suddenly he is being surrounded by small glowing spheres that appears from its body which he eventually releases, turning into some small orange balls that goes towards Castform. Ragna knows that the type of the Hidden Power that Togekiss knows is Fighting type so it looks just like small Aura Sphere attacks that quickly approaches Castform. Eventually, the Thunder attack finally reaches Togekiss and hits it perfectly well, with that strong of power attacking Togekiss, Ragna starts to become nervous if Togekiss can even survive the strong Thunder attack.

“Togekiss, you’re a strong pokemon and you know it!!” Ragna yells Togekiss as Nurse Joy, along with Espeon and Alakazam, watches Togekiss gets hit by the Thunder attack when eventually the Hidden Power Togekiss releases finally reaches Castform, hitting it so hard that it makes it fall to the ground while Togekiss is still soaring in the air, making sure that he survives the Thunder attack.

“You’ve already faced the Cacnea gang and yet you survived the Sandstorm attack, now we’re in the same situation but now you’re being struck by thunder… please Togekiss, survive!!” Ragna yells as he starts to throw a blank red and white pokeball towards Castform that is currently lying in the ground as the Pokeball creates a red light that sucks Castform into the pokeball as it wiggles once, twice and thrice.

The rain falling heavily from the sky as thunders crashes from every part of the world while Togekiss is still being struck by a strong Thunder attack that catches them off-guard knowing that Castform can know such moves. The Thunder attack finally stops hitting Togekiss as it leaves him bruised on all parts of his body when eventually it falls down from the sky as Ragna, Nurse Joy, Espeon, and Alakazam approaches Togekiss and make sures that he is okay as the pokeball, containing Castform in it, continues to wiggle.
__________________

|| VPP Stats || URPG Stats || ASB Stats || Pokedex Project Stats || URPG Ranger Log ||
~ Credit to myself for making the Finnel avvie & banner! ~

Last edited by ragnarok0422; 06-21-2009 at 01:28 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-30-2009, 10:07 AM
ragnarok0422's Avatar
ragnarok0422 Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Why should YOU care? =/
Posts: 2,595
Send a message via AIM to ragnarok0422 Send a message via Yahoo to ragnarok0422
Default Re: Malfunctions Part 1: Shivery Seas [Chapter 1 Status: Still under construction]

Chapter 1 is now ready to be graded!! ^ ^

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Pokemon going for:

Castform

Difficulty:

Complex

Characters Needed:

30 - 40k

Characters Achieved:

33,637 characters

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

POKEMON INVOLVED:

Ragna's Pokemon:




Other's Pokemon:



Wild Pokemon:

__________________

|| VPP Stats || URPG Stats || ASB Stats || Pokedex Project Stats || URPG Ranger Log ||
~ Credit to myself for making the Finnel avvie & banner! ~

Last edited by ragnarok0422; 06-21-2009 at 01:29 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-19-2009, 07:46 AM
Phantom Kat's Avatar
Phantom Kat Offline
ˇCon ganas!
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: In my strretchy pants
Posts: 5,018
Send a message via AIM to Phantom Kat Send a message via MSN to Phantom Kat
Default Re: Malfunctions Part 1: Shivery Seas [Chapter 1 Status: READY!]

Sorry for being late with this. I joined WAR late, and I wanted to get my FF entry up in time. Hope this makes up for it.

Plot/Story: The plot was not bad, per say. While I was reading, it just didn’t strike me as original or complex. The beginning up to where Ragna arrives in the town is nothing exciting. You mentioned some weird Pokémon passing through (Castform), but you didn’t elaborate on it. Thus, it was boring because it didn‘t catch the reader‘s attention. When Ragna arrived at the Pokémon Center, there was excitement, but all of it felt abrupt. One second the Rotom is attacking, and in the next, he’s gone, and Nurse Joy is telling Ragna to go to some island to capture it. A split second later, Nurse Joy is now telling him to catch Castform, who will cast havoc soon. You didn’t give the reader enough time to breath, to let it sink in. In two short burst of events, we’re suddenly in the battle. In a nutshell, what you did in your story was elaborate on the parts the reader finds unexciting and rush through the parts that could have made up for the lack of excitement in the beginning.

Other than that, there were two things that bothered me about the plot itself.

Number one: The reason for Castform’s anger seemed…petty. It attacked people, froze part of the sea, merely because it didn’t like how it looked? Was there a particular reason why its appearance angered it so much? Did something happened to it that made it hate its different forms? This is what I’m talking about when I say you’re rushing some parts of your story. There was no elaboration on this part and because of that, Castform’s motive seemed silly, almost childish.

Number two: Actually, this reason is split into two:

2a) I find it hard to believe that one Pokémon can change the weather for the entire world. No Pokémon, even a Legendary, is strong enough to make such a global impact so quickly. In Pokemon 2000, it took the combined efforts of the three Legendary Birds to effect the weather of the world.

2b) Second of all, I also find it hard to believe that anybody would allow a group of scientists to mess with the world’s weather. Anything from earthquakes, droughts, hurricanes can happen, and all of these can kill hundreds of people.

Introduction: You don’t need one since this is a continuation of a series. However, like I said in my VM, you need to put in a recap about what happened before. A grader will only read what they are going to grade and won’t bother to go back and read past installments. Because of that, they’ll be confused about characters, plot, and setting, which can potentially come back and bite you in your grade.

That aside, I’m glad you described the Pokémon and the characters again. Many authors forget to do that or assume the reader already knows.

Grammar/Spelling: Spelling was great. The grammar, on the other hand, was really awkward and bad. There were fragments, sentences that were way too long, and parts that just didn’t make any sense. Let me point out your main mistakes:

Quote:
“S-sure… what is it?” Ragna answered as Ryza looks at Ragna once more, her eyes starting to become wet because of tears which will eventually start to fall down.
There were plenty of times where you switched from present tense to past tense, and it mostly happened when it dealt with dialogue. You have of habit of making the character’s dialogue verb (like “said” and “commanded.”) past tense and the rest present tense, like how I showed above in the quote. Remember that in a present-tense story, everything is present tense, including actions such as speaking.

Quote:
Two of those red and white pokeballs releases Sableye and Rhyhorn, which are the pokemon that Ragna manages to catch earlier this morning.
Another persistent problem was that you used singular adjectives or verbs to describe something that is plural. For example, Poké Balls is plural, so it should be “release.” What you used, “releases,” would only be correct if it had been only one Poké Ball.

Another example of this:

Quote:
Another pokeball releases a yellow pokemon that clearly looks like a mastermind, having two spoons from its hands, a long beard falling down from its face, having big eyes with a purple color glowing on it; it is one of Ragna’s best friends, Alakazam.
You are talking about more than eye, so instead of “it”, which only pertains to one eye, it should be “them”, which means two or more.

Quote:
Nurse Joy asked Ragna as he still observes on how big the Pokemon Center is as she adds a silent sigh because most people that enters the Pokemon Center is amazed on how big the Pokemon Center is that they can ignore what Nurse Joy is saying and continues to observe the building.
Your biggest problem was your sentence structures. Sometimes, your sentences were too long, like this one. The first sentence in this huge sentence should end should before the first “as.” “She adds….” should start the second sentence. The part after “is” needs to be somehow reworded to make sense.

It seems you are making your sentences too long because you keep using the word “as” too many times. If you find yourself using the word “as” more than once in a sentence, split it into two because if you don’t, more likely than not, it will be a run-on. If you read this sentence and replace all of the “as” with periods, you’ll find that it’s easier to read and understand.

Other times, your sentences were fragmented. It was like there was a fragment in the middle of a complete sentence, and the result was the whole thing was just too confusing to read and understand. An example is this:

Quote:
Ragna shouts as he waves his hand in the air as the others from the town; Ryza, her grandmother, Nurse Joy, the other trainers and their pokemon, waving all of their hands as they bid Ragna farewell as he continues to walk towards the desert.
Everything from “Ryza” to the end is a fragment because it cannot stand alone. If you reword it, you can make it so it makes sense. One way you can do that is to get rid of the semicolon (which, by the way, is used incorrectly; it should only be used when connecting two complete sentences, like this one.) and change “waving” to “wave.” A new sentence should be started with “He continues…” by getting rid of the “as.”

After looking through “The Mysterious Oasis,” I noticed that U-B-3-R graded your second chapter after you posted this one, and it was in that grade that he pointed out your many mistakes in grammar. You edited that story fine, but you didn’t come back to edit this one. Just because you already wrote a story doesn’t mean you can’t go back and fix it up. Since you didn’t, it makes me feel as though you don’t care about the quality of your story.

Length: No problems here.

Description/Detail: It was pretty inconsistent. You describe humans, Pokémon, and attacks very well, but when it comes to things like the town and the desert, all you gave was a pretty vague picture. If you describe one thing in great detail, you have to do that for everything else. Don’t slack off in some parts and excel in others, especially in the Complex tier. It makes the story sloppy and the reader confused.

Two things I wanted to point out:

Quote:
e pokedex views a small red sphere with its eyes glowing with a blue color with a spiky tip on top of its head and two electricity-like things shooting out from its sides.
Avoid using the word “thing” in your description. “Thing” is such a broad word that can be interpreted in hundreds of ways. Electric what? Electric plugs? Electric bolts? A better way to describe things that you are not sure about what they are is to compare them to other things that you do know. For example, those “electric things” Rotom has look like prongs. So if you say “prongs made out of electricity” or something along those lines, it gives a much better, and specific, picture.

Quote:
A large Mexican-like Pokémon with a green cap on its head, some yellow zigzag pattern on its body enters the experimenting site….
This is just my opinion (so you can listen to it or not), but I would refrain from using races to compare Pokémon because most of the time, when you compare something with a race, it mostly deals with stereotypes, and some people might find that offensive. In this case, I think you’re leaning towards the hat-like thing Ludicolo wears, which resembles a sombrero. I say some people because I’m Mexican, and I don’t find this offensive. Others, though, may not share my viewpoint.

Battle: The beginning was slow. The Haunter and Gengar seemed more like liabilities than actual help. Their Mean Looks did not work, and they got hit by Castform’s Power Snow. After that, though, it picked up, and I’m happy to say that I finally got the action I was looking for. Only advice I’ll give you here is to vary the attacks used (mostly on Castform’s side) and to incorporate your surroundings more into the battle.

Outcome: The battle was great, the description borderline, and the plot iffy. The grammar was what really hurt you, though, despite all that. There were so many mistakes that weren’t just typos. They were mistakes that confused me, made it hard to read and understand. So: Castform NOT captured! I really don’t know what to say now. You can add more description, fix those plot holes, but all of that cannot make me ignore the grammar, no matter how much you add. If you fix as much of the grammar as you can, I’ll ignore the plot and description since I‘m asking for a lot. However, that means EVERTHING, from fragments, to tense changes, the plural/singular problem. Leave no mistake unturned. Basically, it would be like rewriting the whole story. : I

If you do that, I’ll give you Castform. I’m not asking for a perfect, edited version of the story. What I’m looking for is an improvement, an improvement that will make me say, “Wow, he really did listen t my advice and wants this Pokémon.” PM me for a re-grade whenever you’re ready. ^^

- Kat
__________________

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce

Last edited by Phantom Kat; 06-19-2009 at 07:51 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-23-2009, 05:57 AM
Phantom Kat's Avatar
Phantom Kat Offline
ˇCon ganas!
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: In my strretchy pants
Posts: 5,018
Send a message via AIM to Phantom Kat Send a message via MSN to Phantom Kat
Default Re: Malfunctions Part 1: Shivery Seas [Chapter 1 Status: NEEDS A REGRADE!]

You said you fixed the plot holes, although a group of Ludicolo and Abomasnow still don't seem like they could cause such a global impact. Think of it this way: surely some kind of colony of Abomasnow (maybe like a good forty, let's say) live near Snowpoint City or Mt. Coronet. It seems that they effect the climate of that area but not world. Why? It's simply because they're just regular Pokemon, not Legendaries, whose powers are much greater than that of your typical Pokemon. I'm sorry if I didn't make myself clear in my original grade. However, it was a slight improvement to the plot, and the plot, after all, it's not what I'm focusing on my re-grade. I guess this paragraph is just something you would want to keep in mind for future plots.

The battle was also a bit better, especially with Gengar and Haunter actually dealing damage instead of just showing up and getting creamed.

While I could read the story a bit easier this time around, there were still parts of your grammar that made me pause. You were closer this time around, but I still have to say: Castform not captured! Please, don't get me wrong. You improved this story, you made it better, but I know that you can make it better. After all, if you learn exactly the grammar standard for a Complex Pokemon (well, I guess "my" standard), you'll have a much easier time on catching Pokemon.

These are the things I specifically want you to fix. If you improve these three aspects of your grammar in your story, you will get Castform easily.

- Change verbs that do not match the noun. What I mean is that you used a singular verb (like "releases") for a singular noun (like "Poke Balls"). Go back and try to fix as many verbs as you can so that they match the noun.

- Separate run-on sentences into individual sentences. For example:

Quote:
Ragna approaches the trainers which uses some Haunter and Gengar that fail in stopping the Castform and helps them in standing up when Castform floats towards the seas and releases another Weather Ball attack, the white and shiny ball responds to the current weather which turns it into another icy ball and aims it towards the sea.
Use the same process I showed in my grade. Read the sentence aloud, and if you find yourself taking a breath, more than likely, that is where a period goes. Don't confuse a period with a comma. With a comma, it's only a very short pause that you are taking, not an audible breath.

- Eliminate incorrectly-used semi-colons and/or replace them with commas. For example:

Quote:
Ragna shouts as he waves his hand in the air as the others from the town; Ryza, her grandmother, Nurse Joy, the other trainers and their pokemon, waving all of their hands as they bid Ragna farewell.
A semi-colon is used to join two complete sentences. If you only want to mention a list (like a group of people or Nurse Joy's clothes), you used a comma, like this:

Quote:
The people, Nurse Joy, Ryza, and the other residents, bid him farewell as he waved at them and walked to the desert.
I want you to ONLY focus on fixing these things. Don't go back to add to the plot, battle, or description. Grammar is your weakest section, which is why it's the section I want you to concentrate on. If you find anything confusing or you have questions, you can always VM/PM me. All I want to see is an improvement in those three areas just like how you improved the other parts in your grammar. :3

P.S. I'm sorry if this seems to come out as harsh. I go back and re-read my grades, and it strikes me like that. I'm just saying if I DO sound harsh, I'm not meaning to be. ^^;

- Kat
__________________

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-24-2009, 09:54 AM
ragnarok0422's Avatar
ragnarok0422 Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Why should YOU care? =/
Posts: 2,595
Send a message via AIM to ragnarok0422 Send a message via Yahoo to ragnarok0422
Default Re: Malfunctions Part 1: Shivery Seas [Chapter 1 Status: NEEDS A REGRADE!]

Edit:

I'm gonna finish this thing and get that Castform... XD
__________________

|| VPP Stats || URPG Stats || ASB Stats || Pokedex Project Stats || URPG Ranger Log ||
~ Credit to myself for making the Finnel avvie & banner! ~

Last edited by ragnarok0422; 12-22-2009 at 07:23 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:23 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com